Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep27 - Metroland with Metroland

Episode Date: July 30, 2026

In England's North East there was a land. A Metroland. Apart from being a gang of Geordie sketch comedians, Metroland was also a semi-mythical theme park peopled with gnomes, wizards and 1990s teens who quite wrongly believed that things could only get better. But what could ever beat the biggest shopping mall in Europe (at the time)? Or the most gigantic (indoor) rollercoaster in all of Christendom? This episode includes James's absolutely bang-on muntjac impression. BE CAREFUL - it could entice muntjacs and/or beasts. Metroland return to the Edinburgh Fringe with Metroland Live: As Seen On TV at Pleasance Dome, Jack Dome from 5th to 30th August at 9.40pm (not 18th). Tickets here. Edited by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Laurence Hisee⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now streaming on Disney Plus, the Hulu original series Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black, played by Emmy Rossum, on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. New episodes week over week. Watch the Hulu original series Furious, now streaming only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Introducing Bon Bonne Number Five. Get a little bit of mystery in your life with scandal on the stage. The fifth murder mystery who'd done it for kids and maybe grown-ups. Written by me, Alastair Beckett King, from Lawmen.

You know me. Please buy it or pre-order the audiobook. Thank you. Bye. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about the audiobook. local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. With me, Alistair Beckett King. And me, James Shakeshawt.

And you like remembering things, don't you, James? I'm not sure. I think I used to. Think back. Yes. Yes, I definitely did. Well, get ready, James, because I've got Geordie Sketch Troop Metroland in the room for some 90s nostalgia and what I'm going to call the Muggleswick Mysteries.

Ooh. Hey there, James Shakeshift. Hey there, Alistair Beckett King. I'm dispensing with the frankly tedious whispering that we use. do when we've got a guest. Why? Why? Why would I get, why would I dispense with that? Because I don't think either of us know why we're doing it. And I just want to get in there and whip out a pair of proper northeastern lads who are possibly going to beat me up or make me look posh. We don't know which. Let's let's find out. Are you ready, James? Yeah, a little bit. I've got John and Jack of the

sketch group Metroland on the line. I don't know why I said on the line like this is live television. I've got John Dole and Jack Fairley from Metroland, the Northeastern Sketch Group, here in our imaginary room. Welcome. Welcome, John and Jack. Hello, you're all right? Pleasure to be in this imaginary space, Alistair. Thank you. Make yourself comfortable.

Pull up a chaise long. It's tighter than I thought it would be in this imaginary space. It is nice. Because you brought an imaginary chaise long. It's too long. It's not a normal chaise. It's not a regular chaise. That's the longest chaise available.

I'm on an imaginary primary school chair. Your poor imaginary lower back. I'm on one of those little ones where the chair is built into the table that you get at Beamish. Do you guys know what Beamish is? Because nobody I speak to on this podcast. No, we know what Beamish is. Thank you. That was my summer holiday every year.

Yes. Beamish, Britain's favourite over at our museum? Yes. Yes. Yeah, museum. It's a historic village, James. It's a village. It's a historic one.

It's more than a village. It's a mine. and it's a state of mind. It's a... There was a line there, yeah. Do people work there and live in that village? They live in the place. They don't work in the mine, James.

Who do you think we are? It's the 21st century. Not a Beamish, it's not. No, it's true. That is, you've absolutely nailed me there. That is the main thing about Beamish. Yeah. It's not the present day there.

It's historic. Do they live in, the people actually live in this... Because I know what it, right, just for people... Because for some people... It's an open. their first episode. It's a museum the size of a village. Yeah. People actually do live on the Beamish estate, yes. And they, right, people live there. Do they, are they basically sort of like educational, um, what's that religious sect in America? It's, I think it's less cool. Are they educational

Mormons? No, it's not like the Truman show, James. They, they, they, they know it's a museum. They're not born into it. No, that, yeah. It's not like spoiler alert, the M-night Shaliener. The Village. The Village. It's absolutely not that. Is it like spoiler alert, spoiler unalert, the M Night Shall Amelam film Split, or The Lady in the Water? It's a bit like The Lady in the Water because I like it, but not everyone does.

The Lady in the Water is such a deep cut. I know very few people who've seen that Paul Giomardi classic. Is that the one where does a critic, like, have a bum for a face or something? I don't remember anyone having a bum for a face. There's a critic character and they're absolutely derided by everyone. So you have been abeamish. So we've made a terrible error here. We've started off talking about the wrong northeastern attraction.

Your sketch group is called Metroland. Do people live in Metro? Oh, I wish. No, Metroland lives in our hearts. What is a Metroland? Can I hear about it again? Because I've never yet understood. Well, first of all, a disambiguation is necessary

because people who aren't from the North East might associate Metroland. with the northwest suburbs of London, because that apparently is where the phrase was coined to describe, which is an area characterized by, I would say, god-awful mock-tudor houses that I really hate before I knew what it was called. I always hated them. I found out that's Metroland. And there's like a, there's a Julian Barnes novel and there was a John Betchaemen documentary called Metroland. It's not about that. That's not the real Metroland. What's the true Metroland? John, Jack, will you tell us what the real Metroland is. Oh, it's a whisper upon a dream. It's a magical place that we all, if you were

lucky enough to be born at the right interstice and space and time and your summer holidays brought you to the Metro Centre, the largest shopping mall in Europe at the time. There was an indoor theme park inside of the shopping centre with a roller coaster. Also the largest indoor theme park in Europe. Whoa. There you go. A magical place where we all grew up and had so much fun. We dance with the metro nooms, go up the elevator, escalator. Yeah, there was an escalator. Things you would only dream of, James, in your southern shopping centres, escalators. I do genuinely remember when the first escalator was installed in the town I grew up in.

Yeah. Yeah. But the villagers there with pitchforks. It ain't right. It may be godly. The stairs be moving themselves. I think it broke on the first day and we weren't sure if we'd been conned and it was just a regular. stair salesmen. It just degenerated into it into stairs. Wow.

I was going to say, there's a great joke that no escalator can have a really truly break. It can only become stairs. Beautiful. But you still got to go up one down the other. There are rules. There are rules for a reason. We're civilised. The Metro Centre James was basically like the Crystal Maze. It had a Roman section. It had a Mediterranean village. It had all the shops that you could imagine. All the relevant and contemporary shop brands were there. Dixon's electronics boutique. C&A. Rumbullos.

Never heard of it. Our price. What? You never heard. Was there a Warworths? I don't actually remember if there was a Walworths in the Metro Centre. I don't remember. There was a Toys R Us next door. I just remember that. Ah, Toys R Us next door. Toys R Us and then Metroland.

Toys R Us pales in comparison to the Metroland, James. If you, the amount of fun you think Toys R Us would be, it's a thousand times that. Wow. That's much. We should say at this juncture, the Metro Centre, as in the shopping centre, still exists. Unfortunately, it's no longer the biggest in Europe. But metro land only now exists in our hearts. Is it 2008?

Was it a victim of general? Yeah, 2008, all the closures in 2008. It's very sad. Where it was, there is now a Namcoe Funcade, which is effectively just gambling for children. Ah. It's win tickets, and it's not the same. It's really not the same.

It became an audience. That's the thing they were like, We'll make more money with it being a cinema and all that than we would ever with a leisure part, you know. Well, it was incredibly cheap. I was watching a documentary when it was new from the 80s, and it was at that time, £3.95 to get in for like a day ticket, and all the rides on the inside were free. That's incredible value. You can go on, there is only one roller coaster, but you can go on as many times you like. You can spin around in the spinning around chairs.

You can go to the Wizard's Castle, which is a hall of mirrors. Could you do anything to any no? Well, when I was a kid, the Metro Gnomes weren't there yet. The Metro Nomes were an innovation that I was a bit too old for, unfortunately. I'm revealing my age here. And there were a last ditch attempt to make Metro Cent and Metroland more relevant. So many companies do go Nome. Yep.

They're trying to bring out a purchasable mask. Go Nome or go home, I suppose. Exactly. When a gnome. Keep them coming. The Woolworths did it, didn't they, just before they went under? It was like, we've done pick and mix. The Woolworth's worm.

What was it? Some kind of a maggot or something. Yeah, they refilled all the picker mixes with them. With maggots. Why have we done this? Why have we done this? We need to go for the fishermen crowd. Because every fisherman will bring a friend.

So you've made two sales there. Sorry, I'm going to end the call on that. That was lovely stuff. So I looked into, I tried to find whether there are any local legends around that area. So before it was a metro centre, it was some fields. So that's not very exciting. I found there's a whole thread of

90s nostalgia remembering the metro centre on Reddit where people have mostly really positive memories like me. People really loved it. But I've picked out a few people who have bad memories. This guy remembers

back of the day when you could still smoke inside, having a tab outside Pizza Hut and my mum who went to Metrositerra about once a year, walking up to me and dragging me home, cry, laughing face. So there we go. I tab James is a cigarette. He got busted for smoking by his man. Outside.

In the Meros and... In indoors, when it was illegal to do that. There was a long time after the smoking ban where all of the bins that you could put your cigarettes out in, in the Mepard Center, were still there. And it was just, it felt weird. It was like, I should be able to smoke in here. One guy says, he remembered, or he or they or she remembers, my mate crying and running away from the gnome that used to walk around, absolutely petrified of them. Sorry.

Sorry, James, the gnomes were real guys in suits. What? Yeah. The Metro noons. I'm sure. What is it about the phrase metro gnome you don't understand, James? Were they like just really in time? They were garden gnomes the size of an adult in a costume.

What? Yeah. Power Rangers of the North East. This is new news. But they committed crimes instead of fighting crimes. That was the, that was the, that was the, difference. Just for legal purposes, the metronomes did not commit any crimes, just to

be clear. That we know of, unless those crimes come out. Maybe they just got away with them. Right, okay. I thought these genuinely were statues, which is why I was scoffing at the idea, that would be a last ditch attempt to revive a dying brand. A big guy dressed as a No, they had shows on in the middle of the shot

and sent there. The Butlin's red courts, you know? If I'm not mistaken, gnomes are more child height. Yeah. These are like five foot to six foot men. Yeah, but you've got to get, yeah, you've got to hire, well, you can't hire a child to dress up as a gnome and do a 12-hour shift, James. It's got to be an adult. Wow.

Right. Okay. This is... You and your southern ways, James. Oh, I want my gnomes tiny. I want a real stumpy gnome. They were big, okay? I want to look down on my names.

James, I don't know if you know. James, I don't know if you know, James is like a six-three. Like, you would, you would still be taller than these gnomes. And I suppose you'd want them in the garden as well, would you, James? Yes, I'd simply put them in the garden and I wouldn't let me in the house. You can't have a gnome in the house. That is weird. All right.

Just cancelled. Canceled for anti-nome sentiments. My anti-nome agenda. Oh, no. I will try to get over this, but I don't think I can. And there's no legends about these. There's no legends about the gnomes. We do have giants in the region.

Yeah. So we're in Gateshead. That's where the metro centre is. That's where Metro land. was pour one out for Metroland. And it's exactly at the point where the River Derwent joins the time. There are several River Derwent, this one in Derbyshire. We're not talking about them.

This one is very wiggly, and it forms the border between County Durham and Northumberland, I think. And it runs past a place in County Durham called Muggleswick. No. And there's all sorts of mystical stuff between Muggleswick and Newcastle, including one of the many caves where King Arthur is supposed to be sleeping, awaiting the hour of England's greatest need if you want under one of those caves that's a good

although do you not think at this point it surely the hour of England's greatest need has happened is it going to keep getting worse I do worry if that's the crack if we haven't seen our darkest day was we haven't seen the worst yet King Arthur's like no wait wait wait

wait no not yet does he know the future though does he know the future or is he just very pessimistic I reckon it's like in a RPG video game when they give you a really powerful boon and you just never use it because you don't know when you're going to need it you just hold on to that for the whole game.

There's a very real chance that Merlin did speak to him and he was like, you're going to be tempted to get up when the Blitz happens but the Blitz 2, that's when you really need to step in. Okay, just remember these words, Cat bin lady, okay? That's when you're asked. I'm not going to tell you anything more.

But it will get worse. That will be England's Nadia. And he slept through it. He didn't act. So my source here is Tales of Derwent Side by J.W. Fawcett, who seems to be from the northeast. He seems to be based in Darlington. I don't know if he's born there. And this book came out in 1902. And it's got a lot of stuff. There's got giants. He's got witches. Now, I think I might have mentioned these giants before, but they lived along the Derwent Valley.

Cor, Ben, and Con. Does that ring? a bell, James? It does. I'm going to talk a little bit about them all the same. There are three villages based in the North East that took their names from these giants. Yes. Oh, brilliant. Go ahead if you've got giant related info. What are those villages, John? Concet being one of them. Yes, con is concert. Corbridge. Corbridge. Corbridge is for core. And then what was the last giant called? Ben. But there is another one which is Mug. And in that case, it's Muggleswick. I don't know if I know where Ben's. It's. It's.

Benfieldside, which I also... Benfield side, but I don't know Benfieldside. Now we can. Bedfold five. Yes. I know they used to fight over a hammer. I remember that much. That's it.

They had one hammer, and when they needed the hammer, and they didn't have it, they would whistle, and the other giant would fling the hammer across the landscape, and the brother would catch it. But once a cord dropped the hammer, and it left a huge dent or hollow dean in the earth, and that's where Howden in the North East takes his name, supposedly. Wow. I think we may have mentioned them in the past. In a bowled by Lauren's good child called Durham Giants, he writes, On Christian flesh they daily fed.

Their drink was Christian blood. And the delicate limbs of a Christian child, to them was dainty food. Fud. Which old people from the North East did used to say. Do you pronounce it Fud in Newcastle? I would say Fudd. And that, James, is how you do a Geordie accent. Okay.

So they died, the giant's core was shot with an arrow at Anfield Plain. Ben was slain by Lancelot off of King Arthur. Oh, King Arthur's, mate. And Mug, much more excitingly, tried to seduce a beauteus nun, but she thrust an iron spike through his temple. Ay, yeah. Yeah. So he really bent down, in, lent down into that nun.

I think she must have said, come in for a kiss. Yeah. Bang. Wow. Famously known for their violence and treacherous ways are nuns. The nuns, yeah. The northeastern nuns, yes. Very dangerous.

I just want to just go back to the legend. So what, they ate Christians for food. They drank Christian's blood for drink. Yep. And the Christian children think, I thought it was going to be like toothpicks or something for their limbs, but it's just food again. It's just lovely food, yeah.

Not even pudding or something. I wonder, because I was just thinking, about this. When I was a kid, because he says the delicate limbs of a Christian child, but when I was a kid, delicate was a thing you would say on the playground if something was really good. I don't know, have you had that, John and Jack, but if something was really cool, you'd be like, oh, delicate. That's proper del. That's proper dell. Like Mario Kart would be like, oh, it's delicate. I would imagine it's like when you go to a restaurant and then you get like a little side plate. And I feel like that's like, you know, it's like the, this is the

soup, but then the children were the kimchi that was just on the side. for you to a train. Yeah. Like in a takeaway that little box that you didn't actually pay for, but you get it for free

and it's got like wrong crackers or something. Nice. The plastic bag of salad. Exactly. Exactly. Can I have a small bag of salad? Actually,

bag of salad is quite a worryingly normal turn of phrase, isn't it? Bag of salad. A bag of salad. There's not many foods that come in, aside from your crisps.

To me, it just sounds like a good name for a sketch group. If you're ever considering retiring Metroland, bag of salad. I feel like it's got a ring to it. We are bag of salad.

Go nuts. No? You could have a bag of vets as well, okay. You could have a bag of meat. That's bad. You can't call it to get a bag of meat. It's a sack of meat.

Yes. It's a raffle of meat. So there's a real giant in the area called Edward Ward. Wait, what? What? Edward Ward? Edward Ward.

Edward Ward. Edward Ward. Edward Ward. Or should there be Edward Ward or Edward Woodward? It's lazy on the parents' partner. Yeah. Edward Wad, Ed Wad, Ed Wad, yes. Is he Sean Bean in?

Is it spelled the same? Yeah, yeah, it's W-A-R-D, so we are in a Sean-Born situation. He seems to have been a real guy, so I think he was just a tall man. He was around in the 1660s and was a mighty hunter, apparently. He was so big that his favourite female hound littered in one of his shoes. Oh. It sounds disgusting. Because you didn't have many spares.

No. Not those days. He would have to be wearing those littered in shoes. This shoe is full of puppies. I can't wear this. Oh, God. Although that is obviously a lift directly, I think, from the legend of Mug, who we mentioned before, who supposedly let his dog sleep in one of his shoes.

So I think the myth of the fictitious giants and an actual tall man, who's probably shorter than you, James, in real life, have been combined. How many? What's the last? largest animal that could give birth in one of your shoes, James? I would occasionally pop my wife's shoes. They would fit within my shoes because she got small feet. Yeah.

So I could put those within the shoes so she could wear my shoes, but like, like safely. Like a Russian doll shoe? Yeah, but just for feet. But just for feet. It's just two, then a foot. So do you have to find someone whose feet are big enough that your shoes could fit in their shoes? Yes, this is why I go to the same.

circus every year just to find just the right clown. And then you have to marry that clown? Is that the way it works? I didn't, I didn't make the prophecy. No. I'm just trying to fulfill it. I've got a witch for you. Would like a witch? Oh, I'd love her. Love her. Go on. Yeah. Not much of a story attached to her, but she has got a great name. In Dr. Carl's poem Ode to the Derwent, he mostly talks about the giants, but he makes reference to Jane Frizzle, who was, uh, according to the bishopric gala. a notorious witch on the Northumberland side of the river who practiced on men, maidens and cattle. And you can still find the place where she lived.

Not far from Muggleswick, if you go northeast, there's a horseshoe-shaped loop in the river, which in 1902 was known as the Sneep. I was really looking to see if I could find a place called the Sneep. But that place that I identified is called Snape Forest now. So I reckon Snape and Sneep, it's probably the same place. And it's just, like if you say, Sniep in a North Durham accent,

Snipe, and you write it down, you might write it down as Sniep, if you were a posh person like me who doesn't pronounce it Snipe. Does that make sense? I can just imagine the conversation. Oh, it's a Snipe. Did he say Snape? Did you say Snape or Sneep? Aye. That's what I reckon's happened.

I don't think the names changed. I think they're just spelling the same noise, the same illiterate farmer noise differently. Not to imply that the people of Muggleswick are illiterate to this day. It's pronounced third. So just north-east of Snape Forest, the Sneep. What was she called Snizzle? Jane Frizzle.

The Frizzle Frisle. Jane Frizzle. It's got a bit of a hip-hop vibe to it, I think. Snoop Dogg Jason. Yeah. Jay Frizz. And she's just a little bit further north-east from the Sneep is Crooked Oak Farm, which is where she lived.

Great now. That's good. That's fantastic. Unfortunately, not much is known about her, So I'm just going to move on to a really good story about a guy whose arm burnt itself off, if you don't mind. Yeah, no, please do. Because all of these are fairly regular stories. Yeah, giants who throw things about forming new features, a witch who's probably just an old lady who lives alone, you know, just outside a village.

But I've never heard a story like this. It's a story of spontaneous human combustion, isolated entirely in the arm. Ambustion. Arm bustion, yeah. So this is the mid-18th century on ebb. Hester Hill, which is between Ebchester and Medemsley, I think. And this is a guy called Robert Johnson, who has a son called Cuthbert, and his son married without his permission.

And he didn't like that at all. And this is where he made his mistake. He vowed that he would never leave a penny to his son. And if he broke that vow, let his arm be burned off. Now, that was his mistake. This is sort of like Chekhov's vow. just to set you up for the idea that his arm might get burned off. Because the years passed and the old man mellowed

and he got to know his son's wife, he got to know his daughter-in-law, and he realized that she was a good sort, and all was forgiven, and eventually that he died, and he left his son his estate. But of course, the vow had not been forgotten. I'm going to read from the text now.

This is from Tales of Derwentdale. Circumstances arose, however, that the old man altered his mind and left everything to the sun. Shortly after he had made his new will, he died, and if we had to believe the superstitious belief and tradition of those days, the wish he had expressed years before was realised. Before the body had been coffined, observing a disagreeable smell and finding the room full of smoke, the relatives examined the corpse and found the right arm nearly burned off. The body was slowly smouldering and the horrified relatives hastily put the remains into the coffin and nailed it down.

went immediately afterwards a noise of burning and crackling was heard to proceed. The coffin was consequently hastily carried to Ebchester churchyard and there buried. That is a real way of getting out of a problem, isn't it? Yeah. We'll just put it in a box and nail it down and then just take it to a church really quickly. Yeah, yeah, bury him. bury this guy fast. He's on the ground, but is anybody hungry for a bacon sandwich right now?

Yeah, people thinking that the wake had laid on some absolutely delicious barbecue. You'd think they were out of trouble, James, but during the funeral, supposedly, the steeple fell down, nearly killing the attendees. Unrelated, unrelated to the vow. That is surely unrelated. That feels like a very cursed day. Yeah.

But I've never heard of, I've never heard of spontaneous combustion just being one bit of a person. No, I would have thought it would have been organs, right? But, no, there's not, you know. It does remind, like, it reminds us a little bit of Lenin, you know, the Russian leader

because his when they you know how like there's a blanket over his embalmed body over his legs and they got it completely wrong

so his legs are just completely they messed up Lenin's legs because his body's on display and you can see it but you can't see the legs is that right no no there's a black blanket

over his legs yeah they put the feet on backwards and yeah they put it they start thankfully they started with his legs because they got it

completely wrong and how do you know how do you go definitely. Does anyone who know what Lenin's legs look like? Could you just come in here? You just got to learn on the job when you're in farming. Yeah.

Really? Imagine that you were a trainee in Barmer. What's your first gig? It's Vladimir Lenin. Just V.I. Lenin. Just a guy. It's not a big deal. You have seen feet before, though, right?

It's not important. It's skin in there. It's fine. We'll get to his knees. We'll have a little bit of a break and see what we're doing. Just have a thing. Well, compare it to a photograph.

You know, I've been doing octopus tentacles, but this is just normal legs. Are they supposed to look like hooves? Speaking of hooves, I've just got, that's all the legends I've got from Dillwintdale, the Dirlwind Valley. But Dirlwind side, I don't know what it's called, but I do have a bonus tale

that doesn't come from the North East, but is from a shopping centre. Oh, yes. I'm up for that. A modern legend. I'm much for all the shopping centre tales, yeah. This just happened. Breaking news.

How recent is this? Breaking... Breaking 2026 news. Actually? Yeah. An actual current weird thing that happened. A deer got stuck on an escalator in Marks and Spencers in Norwich. Oh, no.

I hope they didn't put the Phil Collins drumbeat underneath it because that would really work. Well, it didn't get stuck. It didn't get stuck walking on an escalator. worse than that. So the BBC news headline was, oh dear, Munt Jack gets stuck on M&S escalator. And then they opened with, this is not just any animal rescue. This is an M&S animal rescue. I'm really hoping to MNJack's okay. The Muntjac's fine, yes. And Muntjac are basically cryptids, aren't they? Because they've got weird glands on their face. Have you seen their faces? They've got like, open out. Yeah. And they've got like, um, spiky, sticky out teeth. Yeah. That looked terrifying.

And they make an frankly alarming noise. What does that sound like, James? Oh, wow. Is there a Mongeck stuck in this escalator? I didn't get that. Could you do that again, please? But imagine that word. See, this was the one that me and my wife had an argument when we were both asleep.

Because a monk Jack, I live in the countryside, and a monk Jack, I believe a monk Chuck walked up the street making its noise. And we both half awoke and my wife said, I think the kids are in distress, go and check on them. And I couldn't remember the word monk jack. So I just said, no, it's in the street. There's a beast. He's coming from the street. It must be a beast.

That's the noise. The beast, mate. It's the beast. It's not the chicken. It's the beast. It's the beast of dark. And I looked out the window and yet there was a beast. So needless to say, I had the last laugh. The rest of this story can't possibly beat the beast. But yeah, basically, you know, you know escalators have those glass, there's sort of a glass bit on the side of the escalator. And sometimes there's two escalators next to each other. And what you've got there is a, it's sort of a slice of air with glass. glass either side of it. It's about approximately the width of a monk jack. It's exactly the width of a monk jack. The muntjack was in there, upside down.

No one knows how he got there. It jumped and it was upside down in between. And that's not normally where a muntjack would be. They're not even indigenous to Britain. Never mind marks and spencers. You tend to find them. They're more of a woolwoods kind of animal, which I haven't seen them on the high street for so many years.

They don't know where to go anymore. there's never an escalator in a woolwits. No. This one, we'd have to call it a Munchack with a slipper. Stephanie Leary, operations manager at Hillside Animal Sanctuary, said, it is unusual to find a Muntjac in Norwich City and no argument here. And then someone else made a point that, you know, we're building all these new houses and they're losing their,

they're living there, you know, their natural habitat. But on the other hand, I don't think we actually do build that many houses and this isn't their natural habitat. So, you know, just get him out of the escalator as far as I'm concerned. I've no sympathy for this Muntjac. If it had been a habitat shop that had been there before, then I can see what she was trying for. He's just confused.

So there you go, just a weird, a weird animal event there. They are a beast. They are a terrifying beast, especially when inverted. Well, it looked very, the inverted Munt Jack did look very frightened, but they draped it with a blanket to calm it. I bet that was expensive. Well, I want to know because obviously at them M&S, as they go, there's about three or four stories, aren't there?

Normally you get the food store at the bottom. I want to know if they were going towards the food mile. That's a great question. Were they just, yeah, looking for sort of men's pants? Yeah. Was it his food? Just a pair of unbranded boxes for me, please. My monkjack.

Women's, kids and women's intimates, men's and monkjacks. Talks at the top floor. So those are my tales of Metroland-adjacent weirdness. Metroland and the Muggleswick Giants I might go with as a title. That's nice. Yeah, it's got alliteration. Well, shall we score it, James? Are you ready to pass judgment on the North in general,

and the North East specifically? Definitely. Careful now. Okay, then, James. First category. I'm going to go with Supernatural. Ah, now then. Hey.

Whoa. How do you think that? That Muntjac got into that escalator. That's true. By natural means, that's not its natural habitat. You said it yourself. It could have quantum leaped right in there. Yeah, exactly.

It could have been a... It would have to have been another man was there before it quantum leapt into the man who was already trapped in an escalator. And then I go, well, my job is probably to get this guy out of the escalator. Get this monk, there's a 97% chance that I'm here to get this Munk Jack from between these escalators. Yeah. So it explains how it got out, but not how it got in. Yeah, that's true.

My money's on Jane Frizzle. It would have been the... She used to practice on cattle. Yeah, exactly. Jane Frizzle, a witch. Explain that. Yes, that's true. A hot arm. Not just hot, James.

The hottest an arm can be on fire. That is the most of the heart, at least. It had burned away. It's almost no one left. That is literally the opposite of what I know of spontaneous human combustion. Because normally it's a pile of ash and a limb. Yeah.

That famous picture where you can see the two-bar fire in the background. Is that an old lady's chair where it's just her legs? A lady's chair, a leg. And I'm really freaked out by the, by the slipper in that image. Yeah, no, I don't know about John and Jack, but that image, that exact photograph also haunted my childhood. But was it the slipper of it? I hated the fate.

The slipper bit of it was really weird. Do you know, have you seen this picture, John and Jack? I believe that I watched Bruce Dickinson do a documentary about spontaneous human combustion on Sky many years ago, and I feel like it had this image in it. Who's a Bruce Dickinson, sorry? He's the singer from Iron Maiden. Of course.

Of course he was doing a documentary about spontaneous human combustion. I don't know if that's a fever dream. At there's a period of my life where I had glandular fever and there's a lot of things where I'm like, I don't know if I happened or it didn't. And that's one of them where I'm like, I feel like I saw that. I have been picturing while you were speaking, David Dickinson, I've just realized from Bargain Hunt. Yeah, I was thinking it was David Dickinson.

A guy that brown, like, he was so tanned. He's probably quite worried about. His sort of oil content has got to be high. He's got to be when he was alive when he was with us. He must have been highly flammable. Can you imagine him froning Iron Maiden? Oh, yeah.

Yes. Okay, I can't remember enough Iron Maiden songs to do the bargain hunt pun. Run to the hills. No, that's me. For a bargain. I don't know. I feel like, James, you and I are more

of a bargain hunt crowd than an Iron Maiden crowd, I think. Very sad. Sadly. Right, okay. Supernatural, so many supernatural. Big, big giants, big giants. Howden as well.

Howden, I don't think James quite landed with you, but Hollow Den that now become Howden. If you ever visit that, that's a mythical place. Is it? Yeah. What's special about Howden? I know of Howden's, for some reason,

that a brand. It's a paint brand. I want to say, it's like a whole, sailors, maybe. Yeah. There's a hole sailors and it's made out of a devil's divot. Yep. And this wow. Okay. Now they're selling holes.

We've got a murderous nun. That's not supernatural per se, but it is cool. It's quite cool. She did a giant. Yes, she's a giant killer, yeah. Eat your heart out, David. I said at the start that they had men inside the costumes, but I don't know that for sure. child labour laws were a lot more laxed in the ladies.

They could have been multiple children in each one. It could have been that they actually were gnomes, real nouns. They could have stacked three names on top of each other and put them in a name outfit. That would be humiliating to pretend to be a larger gnome than you were. James, how natural was it, did it feel when your wife's shoe fit in the room? It fits so sweetly. It was a danger. Yeah.

It was a dangerous joy. It can't have been natural. Yeah. Fair enough, that has swung me. I'm going to give it a... I'm going to give it a three. James, you're forgetting about... There's a Roman section.

There's a Mediterranean village. There's fountains indoors. Whoever heard of such wonder? A wizard's castle. Inside. With a sort of miniature model of a wizard's castle forever out of reach. Because it was just a model and you couldn't get to...

A hidden cinema. A hidden cinema. Through a pile of... Plushies. That ain't right. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

You have actually who taught me up to a four. Okay. All right. Hidden Cinema legend. Well, I think it was true, but okay. Mm. All right.

Second category we got for you. Names. Yes. Definitely. Jay Fritz. The Metronome Nomes. The Norwich Monge. Jack.

Very hard to say that. The Metro gnomes, James. Yeah, yeah. The Metro gnomes. The Metronomes. The Metros Nomes. The Metro's Nome. I'd like you to, I'd like to introduce you to my friend, the Metro's gnomes.

And they're what you're nom, it's who you know. I feel like you're looking down your gnom at us. Are you guys so much better at puns than me? I'm so bad at puns. Trying to work out to do a Gnom Chomsky thing. Oh, that's very, yeah, very good. I don't know. I don't really know what he did, apart from some of that.

No more of this. Let's move on. Yeah. We've got Corbin and. Con or Mug. Yes. Okay. Oh, I did note down some of the names because all of the, I noticed there was a theme in all of the historian or the historians or collectors of folklore you mentioned had names that were things.

Their names, their surnames were known. Yeah, Dr. Carr. Jimmy Fossett. Yeah, Fawcett. Yes. Someone good child. Very good child. Yes.

A good child is a thing. Yeah. And I think there was a Johnson in there. Robert Johnson. Yeah, all of these. They're named after things. Robert Johnson's also the name of the blues singer who sold his soul to the devil. But that's just a coincidence.

He sold his own to a gnome. To a gnome. And Ed Chester. He sold his gnome to a gnome. That was his gnome de plur. We've got Eb Chester, sometimes written Abchester. We've got the Sneep. As soon as I hit upon the Sneep.

Well, there's a point. The sleep or snip? Yeah. Snip. The snip. The snip. I think that. Try and say like you're being reversed.

Snip. Yep. Okay. Fine. It's got to be five. Thank you. For Metro no knowns alone. My next category is, our next category is

the giant, the witch, the guy whose arm went on fire. C.S. Lewis's first draft. Yeah. That's a more, I think that's closer to the Jesus story as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that time when there was four footprints and some ash, that was from when

I walked next to you and my arm was burning. Yes. Makes you think. Father, forgive them for they know not why they're upside down between two escalators. That's what he said, wasn't it? Oh, father, why have you left me upside down between two escalators as well as what he said.

It's on it. It's the Monct Jack Jesus. I think this is Monct Jack Jesus. Monct Jesus. That's basically a crucifixion between the two panes of glass. It is, yes. Yeah. For a Monjack, yeah. Was they putting that monk chuck upside down between two escalators for our sins? Why did you ask that in such a West Country wife?

Was they putting that monk jack up to the big town? Sorry. What's they doing that for us? I'll say it all smart like was they putting that beast between this movie stairs to save our sins to forgive us our trespasses

it definitely sounds like the subject of an Iron Maiden song when he say it like that oh yeah all of that all of those things definitely happened five out of five five for the giant the witch and the guy whose arm went on fire

it couldn't be any more guy a giant witch and guy whose arms went on fire. Yeah. Well, actually, there were several giants. I only wrote the giant in my notes, so it's too late now. I really didn't have spontaneous human combustion on my bingo card for this podcast. No, spontaneous human combustion brackets arm region.

But you did have inverted mung jack. It's the talk of the podcast sphere. Yeah. Everyone's talking about it. I was like, when are we going to do the segment on the munchack? Let's address the elephant in the room. Let's address the Munt Jack in the escalator. You're thinking about the Munt Jack, aren't you?

But please, you MMS employees, please just focus on the very reasonably priced meal deal, which costs about the same as buying the elements of it separately, I have noticed. It's like making a mockery of the concept of a deal. Every other supermarket, you get a significant discount on the meal deal, not M&S. Now, what I find a really funny thought is, do you have a go somewhere and you see like a rule written on the wall and you just know that somebody had to have done something so outlandish and then we've had to put a sign up there.

I'm just imagining the staff training when they come in and it's like, so if a Munch Jack is found in between the two panels of glass on the escalator, you'll need to go and find a blanket to comment, first of all. Don't pull its legs. I love when they in shops

have pictures of people who have shoplifted in the past, like photographs of them from CCTV, but it's just a Muntjack. Upside down. Keep it turning it the right. way up, no. Definitely this way up. That's what we want to be ready for.

Speaking of which, final category, The Beast. The Beast. That's a fine story you told there, James. And so really, I'm scoring your legend, the story of James and the Beast. James and the Giant Beast. Yeah, rather a normal size Monjack.

Yeah, which is quite small. Even smaller compared to you. It's going to look like a rabbit on stilts. I'm going to help you there. I think you've got to give you. out of five, truly. That story is timeless because that story could have been told now, and

if you'd said the exact same story, in the night, we heard a cry at the street. My wife said the children are in distress, and I said, no, it is the beast. This is the beast. That could have been told to me in 1850, in 1710,

right now, and it's funny every single time. It's a tailor's oldest time, James. We were, yeah, we were sleeping after prayers. It was the second sleep. The beast was loose. But also, we've got that beast, the Muntjac, but also, you know, the beast in a figurative sense,

the metro centre, biggest in Europe, Metroland, this figure that loomed large in the imaginations of every child from the North East. It was the ultimo grande, the Naples Ultra, of shopping centres with a theme park attached. It was good, I'm saying. Was the, wait a minute, what was the name of the roller coaster?

Because I remember that Alton's Tower arrived. Alton's Tower. A friend of mine got it wrong once and I never forget. So much so I've adopted it as my way is referring to Orton Tower. He must have thought it was rubbish.

When are we going to Flaming Go-Land? you're lucky that I've told James what Flamingo land is previously so he understands that that. That had to have been the catchphrase. Tell your parents to Flamingo go. To Flamingo Land. I can't say it properly now. But yeah, so Alton's Tower had a ride called The Beast 2.

And as far as I knew, they never had the Beast 1. So what was this? Did it have a name? So it was the roller coaster. Yeah, I think that's what. And then it was without any real changes, the new roller coaster. Oh. Oh. Same as the old roller coaster.

I think you've got a little paint. They might have put some, like, a dragon on the front of the car. Maybe they have some safety features to stop kids just flying off. Flying out, yeah. I'm sure I definitely in the Reddit thread read about someone losing a shoe on the spinning around thing and the shoe going straight into one of those large fish's mouths and never been seen again. Oh. That's horrible.

Yeah, they had big fatherglass fish. Right. Not a real fish. a real fish. It wasn't also an aquarium. That would be insane. The gnomes were living, breathing, walking around the fish. The fiss statues. The fish prostitues, obviously. James, just because your wife's shoes can fit inside your shoes doesn't mean any child's shoe could fit inside a live fish.

Inside any fish. A random fish, no way. Maybe a large, maybe a very large fish, yes. That sounds like this place is full of beasts. these fish shoeing fish beasts the rollercoaster that may well have been the mythical beast one yeah exactly

could have been were sequels to in the so way that no one's ever played street fighter one it's just that's good that's true actually

I've never played street fighter one it's terrible I did find it once and yeah you're right it's rubbish ah

it's just ruin Ken yeah they figured it out they figured out with the second one by that first one put more magic in um

I would say you're right is five out of five. Thank you. Thank you, James. I was worried for a second there. That's a beast. That's the win that we needed tonight. Yeah. Thank you very much for coming on the podcast, John and Jack, of Metroland. Tell us how we can see Metroland live at the fringe.

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