Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep29 - The Beast of Barrisdale

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

Alasdair takes James to the Loch from Hell. Loch Hourn boasts no less than two distinct cryptids. One is your standard water-based Nessie-alike, but the Beast of Barrisdale breaks ALL the rules. Except the rules of front door etiquette, of which it's surprisingly respectful. Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Oh, man! Shop back to school at IKEA. Introducing Bon Bonn Number 5. Get a little bit of mystery in your life with scandal on the stage. The fifth murder mystery who'd done it for kids and maybe grown-ups. Written by me, Alice De Becket King, from Lawmen. You know me. Please buy it or pre-order the audiobook.

Thank you. Bye. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscene. your curiosities from Days of Yore with me, Alastair Becket King. And me, James Shakeshaft. And see you there, we James here. I hope you got your wellie boots on. Yeah, well what, boots? Yes, we are going to Wales. No, it's not Wales. It's Scotland.

We're going to the Highlands of Scotland. So come with me, James. To the Highlands and meet the Wild Beast of Barrisdale. Well do. Or Barry'sdale. Either. I'm not true. James. How are you? Oh. Whoa. Whoa, what's going on? Oh, is that a sling I can see with my eyes. Right. Okay. Where to begin. What happened, James? Right. Okay. Smash cut. We're at the pub. Me and a friend who is visiting from abroad meeting up with him, local pub. There's a couple of two separate incident. I had two separate injuries, Alistair. The first one happened at the pub. Smash cut to the pub. And you were injured in the smash cut.

You were actually injured in the transition. Some of those star wipes can be pretty pointy. You do have to take care. Yes, that's, yeah. Those are the forgotten victims of the Star Wars. Yeah, all the people are just losing limbs in those sideways wipes. Well, okay. So, you know, sometimes when you sat on a pleather bonnet.

Yeah, yeah. And you feel like a little sort of, oh. A little sort of pain in your bum or upper thigh because you've sort of pulled the skin or perhaps even, if I'd want to be too graphic, maybe point out a little hair from your dairy hair. Yep. And it's like, oh, that's a bit uncomfortable. So that sort of thing happened. And I shifted over and I took my wallet out of my back pocket in case that was aggravating things. And it was still, the pain was, if anything, getting more intense.

So I sort of, oh, stood up and shook myself out. And then I looked down on the seat and on that pleather bonquette was a curled up wasp. What? I got stung on the bum by a wasp like a beano character. Was the wasp okay? Sorry to immediately ask about the wasp. Because it kind of sounds like you sat on a wasp. Hey, are you victim blaming me for a wasp sting?

Are you victim blaming the wasp for being sat on by you? He just lashed out. He didn't know any better. Okay, all right. Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. So you got stung on your behind. Stung on like a Beano character. And it really hurt.

And I didn't. And then we went to see Spider-Man, and I was annoyed that I didn't receive any superpowers from that incident. Well, really want to be Wasp Bum Man? Wasp guy. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Off to a terrible start.

What a week for you. But two days later, we met up in the park with our respective children, not respectful. we were playing a game of football and I went to kick a ball and I trod on that ball and went flying into the air onto my bum

not the previously mentioned bum the aforementioned bum evident it's a bit of a blur but evidently I bounced and bounced onto my front and I sort of put my arms out to break my fall but instead of breaking my fall

I broke my elbow I guess at this stage in our life our body still put our hands out to protect ourselves, even though my, I don't know about you, my wrists are flimsy and my torso is a weighty body. Yes. And I just like, just let the torso deal with this on its own. Don't get the wrist involved,

but the hand naturally goes out only to be crushed by the falling weight of me. Yeah, exactly. Oh, poor James. Had an uncomfortable afternoon and evening and night, and the next day I rang one-one. Which is 999 for people who aren't panicking about it, Yeah, that's probably fine.

9.99 for the chilled. And then I went, so I rang one one, one, and I spent a pleasant hour in a local non-emergency community ward thing, just in a nice hide-back chair read in a book. It was lovely. Very, I assumed I were being ironic when you said you spent a nice hour there, but it sounds like, it sounds like as a parent, that was actually a treat for you. Yeah, it was. It was quite relaxing.

Because everyone else was all one-one-one guys. Everyone was pretty chilled. Oh, it's just the one-one-one-one-one lads. One-one-wood crew. Everyone's really sort of chilled about it. It's not an emergency. Yeah, it had a x-ray, and it was confirmed, broken. It's just a little crack in their radial head.

Nothing's come off or anything. Okay, good. But it's a bit swollen and a bit painful, but I don't need a cast, annoyingly. So nothing to sign. Nothing for anyone to sign. But it is confirmed broken, so I can say I've got a broken arm. Broken your arm. Wow.

Not even just the wrist, as I assumed, but the whole arm is broken. Well, it's the elbow. It's the elbow. It's the top of the forearm. Top of the forearm. But I can say, yeah, so I can say I got a broken arm. And I did ask them to put on my record that I've been incredibly brave. Wow.

Well, I mean, on behalf of the listeners, let me express my sympathies, James. Get well soon. Actually, thank you. We'll do. Thumbs up. That was only one thumb, I think. Yeah. He's only able to do one.

It's tragic. When I did go see the doctor and they asked how I'd done it and I said whilst playing football, they said, oh, well, you subbed off straight away. And it was clear they thought I was playing like proper football. Yeah. Actually, what happened straight away was a six-year-old blew a whistle and held up a homemade red card at me. Oh, brilliant. A homemade red card.

Yes. I like that. Yeah, no, that's it for injuries right now. as that time of recording. Yeah, fingers crossed. Something exciting will happen to you. No, take care. Take care, James.

I will. Don't do yourself another mischief. Would you like a relaxing trip to the Highlands and Islands of Scotland? Yeah. The Highland Island? To take your mind off your injuries, James. Would that please you?

Yes, thanks very much. Well, I don't think it will please you. I think it will be terrifying. Uh-oh. Yeah. I'm about to introduce you, James, to wild beasts of the Highlands and Islands. Wild beasts.

Yeah, namely, specifically, the wild beast of Barrisdale. Barry's Dale. Friend of the podcast, the Wild Beast of Barrisdale. Nice. Eagle-memoried listeners might recall the Wild Beast of Barrisdale

being mentioned, I think, in the Devil's Huff Prince episode as one of the suspects for who might have left the devil's hoofprints, and one of the theories was the Beast of Barrisdale swooped down

from the Scottish Highlands and left strange footprints in the Devon Snow. Right, just like on holiday. Yeah, exactly. And let me quickly say, before we start, apologies for the pronunciation of Scottish place names to my mum,

who occasionally listens to the podcast, but I think she stopped listening because it makes her too angry when I mispronance Scottish place names. Oh, dear. The wild beast of Barrisdale, Barrysdale, also known as the three-legged monster

of Loch Hoorn. Ooh. Hmm. Now, suppose. I don't think this is necessarily true, but supposedly Lohun derives from the Gaelic name, meaning Lach Hel, and the sort of neighbouring Loch Nevis on the other side of the mountains

supposedly means Lough Heaven. Lach heaven and Lough hell. Yeah, I don't know that's true. But supposedly. So Loughon is a big sea loch where the mainland gets near to the Isle of Sky. I love Sky. You like the Isle of Sky? I love Sky.

The Sky. Sky? Yeah, just nice. Got like clouds in it and stuff. Yeah, well that's the one. All sorts of colours. Yes. Well, it takes his name from the Isle of Sky, obviously. And Barrisdale is a valley leading into Lochhorn on its south side. Now, you might have noticed, James, I said that the beast of Barrisdale supposedly swooped down from the Scottish Highlands, because you might imagine that the three-legged monster of a loch was sort of amphibious in some west. You might imagine, you might have visualised it dragging itself out. of the water on its three legs.

No. This beast can fly, James. Whoa. Yeah, this ain't your mama's loch-based cryptid. No way. How many wings it got? Two, two wings. Okay, not three.

No, two wings, three legs. I'm going to send you from a book of creatures.com. There is a, I think, very likable drawing of the beast. If you open the envelope and then click on the link in the envelope, I've sent you. you? Oh, yeah. Wow. It's a sort of donkey-faced, bat-winged, three-legged creature with two legs at the front and one on the back. Yes. And three, three-fingery toe things? Well, I don't know what the source of this illustration is. It's not credited and I haven't been able to track it down.

It's got such a smile on it, though. He's got such a smile and sort of teddy bear ears. Yeah, I like the cubility ears. And it's got that sort of black, and button eyes. for pink skin vibe of a bat. Yes, but with kind of a donkey's face. They put it next to a human in the silhouette. They've done the silhouette of a human and silhouette of it of the beast to give you an idea of scale. That's quite good. Yes.

Well, it's pretty large. It is big. I've got a couple of descriptions of it coming up. But the first account comes from the 1937 book, The Pete Fire Flame, Folktales and Traditions of the Highlands and Islands by Alistair Alps. McGrughan McGregor. Oh. Alistair, spelt.

Correctly. Whoa. A-L-A-S-D-A-R. Yes. He refers to the beast as the three-legged monster of Loch Hoon. To this day, the folks residing about Loch Hun believe that loch to be haunted by a monster to which they refer as the wild beast of Barrisdale. Less than 60 years ago.

So that was in 1937. Mm-hmm. So that's around the turn of the century. Is it now? No. That's no. that's mid-19th. My maths is terrible.

That's like... Past. The 1870s. It's the 1870s. More than 60 years ago. Yeah. We would say nowadays. For us more than 60 years ago, differently.

Less than 60 years ago, they lived at Barristale by the shores of Loch Horne, a crofter, who once encountered this monster. He assured his neighbours that this ungainly creature had gigantic wings and was three-legged. He often saw it in flight across the hills of Noydert, especially about Baristale itself. and he averred that on one occasion, when it was making for him with evil design,

he rushed for the shelter of his cottage, as the Crofter himself used to relate up until the time of his death, but not beyond the time of his death. That's when he stopped relating this story, James. Fair play. Standard, procedure. He'd just succeeded in slamming the door in the monster's face. And the monster presumably went, ah, fair play.

And it just went off. If you need more proof, you can just ask Ranald McMaster. not Ranald McDonnelld sadly. I know you would have liked that, James. I would have loved to. Ranald McMaster. Alistair McGregor continues, The dwellers by the more remote shores of Lochone

frequently heard the terrifying roar of the wild beast of Barrasdale and an old man living in this locality called Ranald McMaster. Oftentimes discovered the tracks of this three-legged creature on the hills and also about the sandy stretches fringing Barrisdale Bay. So I guess it's kind of famous for its footprints which might explain why it was connected to the devil's hoofprints. Right, and they're going to be no odd footprints because of... They're going to be oddly shaped because it's three-legged.

Yeah, the odd amount of leg. It wasn't three legs in a row, and famously what was odd about the devil's hoofprints was that they appeared to be in a straight line. Could have been doing cartwheels because it was an holiday. Could have been doing cartwheels? Yes, you should be taking care, James. I don't want you thinking about engaging any kind of acrobatics.

If I were to be doing cartwheels, I would appear three-limbed because I'd have to do one-hand car because you wouldn't be using the broken arm. Yes. Good for the pub game though, this old beast of Barry.

Yeah, Barry the Beast, absolutely. Barry the Beast. From the charm of Scotland, 1960 by John Herries McCulloch. He's got Harry what? John McCulloch, John Hedys McCulloch. He visited Loch Hun and he interviewed a Mrs. John McCray,

which honestly I was really confused by but of course that is the way they used to write in 1960 and Mrs John McCray and she said that the beast hadn't been seen for 90 years at that time in 1960 now that I think about it is completely comports entirely with the previous account

which said that it was less than 60 years but 30 years earlier than this roughly simple maths simple difficult maths case closed I think that proves the beast exists so Mrs John McCray said the beast hadn't been seen for 90 years Oh, and I've even written in my note, puts the last sighting around 1817. Needn't have tried to do it in my head, making a fool of myself earlier in the podcast.

According to John Heddy's McCulloch. Yes, it was a huge bat-like creature. Twenty times the size of a golden eagle, according to old people who knew the names of old people who had seen it. I think he knows he's being funny. Nice. I think he's doing it on purpose here. I like that. The obscene eerie of the creature was somewhere in the high mountains between Glencoigne,

apologies for the pronunciation there probably, and Kintail, and its terrible screech was something to chill a man's blood. It was known as the Beast of Bariadale, for it was first seen at that place on the Loch, and when it flew low, its smell polluted the night air. I think it was the best monster ever to haunt the West Highlands, and only hard-headed businessman from England

would doubt its existence. Poor souls. Nice. So I think he's being a little bit ironic, of course, but he comes to the melancholy conclusion that the beast will never be seen again, because essentially by 1960 there was barely anybody left living there to see it. Oh.

Which is, you know, so he sort of laments the decline of the rural community and economy of those places. He says, it flapped out of the Petriek in the time long vanished, when isolated crofters held a good storyteller in high esteem and set wide limits to his imagination. But the old days are no more. The crofts along the loch are crumbling ruins and the old fabulous stories are. are no longer told around a glowing fire of peats with a cruise light casting frightening shadows on well-smoked walls. Oh.

A bit sad. That's nice imagery, though. Remind me what a crofter is? So a crofter is, I think, a tenant farmer. A croft is a small portion of a farm, and a crofter is someone who works that farm, but rents the portion that they work on. So that's the beast of Barristale.

That's a good piece. But we're never going to see it again. I think it's a good beast, possibly the best monster ever to haunt the West Islands, in my opinion, and McCollock's opinion. I'm no hard-headed business. No, yeah, exactly. So I'm all for it. We're well in favour of that. But some people refer to that beast as being the Loch Hearn monster.

But James, this ain't your mama's loch with only one monster in it. Oh. There is another, well, I'm calling the real Loch Hewn monster. in a sort of Ghostbusters, real ghostbusters. Yes, exactly. In a sort of trademark battle situation. The real Lochoman monster is, in my opinion, one of the top two sea monsters in Invernesshire.

Whoa. Yeah. And basically, I guess you often get this, you know, like we all started with comedians who are now more successful than us. And equally, we've overtaken other comedians who started before us. At this time, the Loch Ness monster. was not that big a deal. Really?

The Loch Ness monster really took off in fame in the 1930s. So it was around but it wasn't... Because of that surgeon.

Is that the reason? Yes. It was the surgeon's picture. The surgeon's picture? Yes, of course. He's not even really a surgeon. No, it was a gynecologist but they just didn't want

to put that in the paper. I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, wow. They didn't want to call him a gynecologist. No. Yes.

So basically that, Basically, the Loch Ness monster went viral, basically, in the 1930s and became super famous. But at this time, it could have been any one of the Scottish lake monsters. Like the Mona Lisa. Is that also what happened with the Mona Lisa? A gynecologist, a gynaecologist. No, it was just a normal painting, but then someone tried or someone did steal it. Then it became really famous and became this kind of...

The icon of art. Yeah, but it was just, it was a good, you know, it is a good painting, but it wasn't like the sort of the go-to reference for best painting. Yeah, okay, so it was only because that gynecologist tried to steal the Lothnesn monster. Yes. I see. By the way, in Venetshire, in the book I'm about to quote, is spelled without a hyphen, so it has three Ss in a row.

Whoa. Wow. That doesn't look right. No, even Germany would bulk at that. Yeah, I also don't know. if it's infiniteshire, Invernessshire, I don't know if I'm pronouncing it. I think... Or Inverness...

And then it just deflates towards the end of letters... Inverness, hire. Yeah. And in this story, we've got another load of Macrae's, a different one. No relation as far as I can tell to Mrs. John McCray. However, we do have another John McCray, as far as I can tell a different guy. It's just a common surname, clearly, in the region. The Reverend John McCray, this is.

He was described by the Inverness Courier in 1872 as a gentleman on whose intelligent observation and accuracy we have perfect reliance. And he witnessed a giant serpent off the west coast of Invernesshire. A book called The Great Sea Serpent from 1892, which is a proto-cryptozoological text by Anton Cornelis Udermans. Nice name. Udermans! Antoinellius Udumans, yes. Udermans. Yes.

Antun Cornelis, I don't know if I'm pronouncing any of this correctly. Udermans. And the appendix of that book contains many of the first-hand accounts of the siting on Lochhorn. So the Reverend John McRae was sailing in Lader, his small, seven-ton yacht. Whoa. I have no idea what size of yacht is big. No, me neither.

Just except that seven tons is small. Okay. How much is... Is it small for seven tons? Is it very dense? No. I think just an incredibly heavy small boat.

Yeah. I think seven tons is quite light for a boat. I don't really know how much a ton is. How much does a car weigh? Elephant. What the same is an elephant? Elephant's a ton. Is it an elephant a ton?

I'm sure that can't be how we measure it. I think, like, you know, like a gram is a centimeter squared of water. Well, according to our website, elephants weigh four to five tons. Right. Yeah, I've got an adult tops out at seven. So it's the big elephant. So it's the big elephant.

Yeah. But small for a yacht, yeah. Yeah. But more controllable than an elephant. Yeah, yeah. And in the deeper parts of the loch, you are going to want a yacht. Yes. Not an elephant.

Yes. Even though it can pop its trunk up above the surface to breathe. There's a sort of smell periscope. The smelloscope. Of course, yes. So he was traveling in his seven-ton yacht with his. with his two beautiful daughters, his beautiful grandson

and a beautiful servant lad, as well as a beautiful friend who was also a vicar, a beautiful vicar. I'm just really worried for the one that isn't beautiful. And, well, the one that probably isn't beautiful is his friend Gilbert Bogle,

who he, in his account, forgets to mention was there. But then later on mentions that he was there, and Gilbert Bogle writes an account of it. Not even non-beautiful, just simply forgettable Gilbert Bogle. With a highly forgettable Bogle.

Oh, you're going to forget Forget Gilly Boges? He was a Newcastle gentleman, Gilbert Bogle, as far as I can tell. The beautifulness of the daughters is inferred entirely by me, I should say, and the beautifulness of the servants. His friend who was also a vicar,

I think he can like this guy, James, because you know the 19th century tendency to anonymise people by just giving their initials. Yes. Well, this guy was the Reverend Mr. T. Which explains why they weren't flying, at least. Yes, definitely.

Oh, he pities the fools that doth come to him. But was it not Mr. T that said? Do you want to know his real name? I feel like it would be a disappointment. It's quite a good name. Is it be Obracus? It was David Twopenny. Which a name I've got from one of the other accounts

that for some reason doesn't try to make him anonymous. And of course there was Gilbert Bogle there. Just dancing away doing a bogul. So Reverend McCrae wrote a letter to the Inverness Courier and they printed it. And I'm just going to read a few excerpts from it. Because while the previous ones were clearly the tall tales of crofters, the tales of the Beast of Barrisdale, this is all middle-class people who wouldn't lie seeing a sea serpent.

So this is much more true, definitely. While we were proceeding along the sound of sleet, it fell calm, and we were rowing the boat when we observed behind us a row of dark masses, which we took at first glance for a shoal of porpoises, but a second look showed that these masses formed one and the same creature, for it moved slowly across our wake, about 200 yards off and disappeared. Now, James, I've got a picture for you drawn by, I think, the Reverend himself, or possibly by Mr. T. Not a terribly exciting picture, but you can see it's your classic sort of Nessie hump-pump-hump-hump-pump situation.

Yep, hump-hump-and-up. Yes. It looks like a really wide road sign warning you that there are speed bumps for ages. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or porpoises, warning you there are porpoises for ages. Or a series of porpoises in a line. Now, James, you've immediately cut through the mystery

here. That is the big question. Are we talking about a sea serpent or a series of porpoises in a line? I don't have the answers for you, but I've got a lot more questions. Wait a minute. Are they at sea or are they on a lake? Well, both. It's a loch, but it's a sea loch. So they're at the mouth of the sea loch. So arguably they're in the sea. Or they're basically crossing over to the north. I think they're traveling over to the north side of the Seeloch. So basically there are at a very wide delta, not even a delta, what is it?

It's the mouth of a sea lock, James. I don't know. I don't know why you got more questions. That's what it is. It's the mouth of the sea lock. Is it salty enough for a poor poise? It would definitely be salty, yes. Okay.

It's salt water. I don't know why I got snippy with you there. No, no. It's got to make me sound good. Soon afterwards, what seemed to be its head reappeared, followed by the bumps or undulations of its body, which rose in succession till we counted eight of them. It approached now,

within about 100 yards or less, and with the help of binoculars, we could see it pretty distinctly. They had three on board, according to three sets of binoculars, so they all had a pretty good look, according to one of the other letters. We did not see its eyes, nor observe any scales, but two of the party believed they saw what they took to be a small fin moving above the water. It then slowly sunk and moved away just under the surface of the water. Now, he estimates it to be about 50 feet long, or at least the portion they saw, to be about 50 feet long, with perhaps 20 or 30 feet that they hadn't seen submerged, which is roughly 15 to 25 metres,

which actually is a lot less impressive, I think, once you put it in metric. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that wasn't the last time they would see it. They came back the next day and they saw it again, swimming across from sky in the evening as they travelled home. We distinctly heard the whizzing noise it made as it rushed through the water. There were no organs of locomotion to be seen, and its progress was equitable and smooth,

like that of a log tolled rapidly. Don't say that if you're trying to convince me it's not a log. No. Could be a series of logs. It could be a series of logs. But who's towing the logs, James? Mm-hmm. Porpoises?

It could be one porpoise and a series of logs. A lonely porpoise. Hmm. A lonely wood-cutting porpoise. Neither its appearance nor mode of progression had any resemblance to those of any known cetacean, shark or fish of any kind. Then he gets a little bit defensive and says,

in case any of your readers should imagine that I, as well as the subject of my report, are mere myth, you will please to give my name. And he ends by saying that no one who knows him would consider him to be dishonest, or so little acquainted with the sea as to not know a whale, a porpoise, a shark, or a herring barrel when I see them. What about a whale's willy? So there you go, James. What about a whales willy? He's seen millions of whales willies, James.

Okay. He's a seafaring man. Fair enough, then. He's a competent yachtsman. He knows a Wales willy when he sees one. He knows a series of whales willies tied to a porpoise. Yeah, that's true. Why do you think he's going out there every day?

Exactly, in the hope of glimpsing, a flash. They tracked down to the witnesses. There was Finley McCray. Again, seemingly no relation, a fisherman, I think, of Bundeloch, and two unnamed people from the Isle of Egg. I love Egg. The I-G-G-E-G, I think, in... Gallic. There was an account from Kate McCray, which is largely the same as what her father said.

I know Wales, Willie. She just drew loads of willies, yeah. No, they made drawings of the serpents and they matched each other very closely, but I haven't managed to find her drawings. And of course, her sister, Miss Forbes, Jane McCrae, who's also referred to as Miss Forbes. So I guess she was the one with the son and she's married and her married name is Forbes. But why they give that as her first name, I have no idea. Yeah. I thought it's impossible to know. She wrote, I fancy I have a closer view of the sea serpent than most people.

Shorter? Well, I think she spotted it seemingly before anybody else did. She writes, I noticed at about an oars length in the boat, a dark brown shining creature lying on the water, or rather a part of a creature, for there was neither head, no tail, nor fin visible. It seemed about six feet in length,

and the highest part of it was about a foot out of the water. None of the others were looking that way, so I was the only one who saw it. I asked my father if porpoises were in the habit of basking on the top of the water. He said he was not aware of their being in a habit of doing so, and we thought no more about it till the next appearance of the animal made us think that it must have been one of its ridges I had seen as we sailed just close to it. So there's so many witnesses, James, there's Mr Gilbert Bogle,

and after this he wrote into the Newcastle Weekly Chronicle to give his account, and I've got to say, he is very bad at making it not sound like something that isn't a serpent. He describes it as its colour was a dark, sleety brown, somewhat similar to that of a porpoise. He adds sometimes only four or five bumps or dark-raised portions of its body appeared above the surface about the size of herring barrels. What's a herring barrel?

Is it a herring barrel of herring? Well, I think these are barrels that once had herring in them that might, presumably were being cast overboard at an extraordinary rate. You might see eight of them in a row floating together. Is that the answer to what's more fun than the barrel of monkeys? The barrel of herring. Yeah.

Eight barrels of herring. Eight barrels of herring and a whales, willy, is the answer. And if you're playing lawmen bingo and you have eight barrels of herring and a whale willie, eight barrels of herring and a whale willy, you have won. That is hard to say that. Congratulations, yeah. Congratulations. See your local MP for your prize.

So having said that, he concludes, The above is a bare statement of fact which was written down by me immediately after getting ashore, while my recollection of the creature's appearance was perfectly fresh and vivid. Having cruised for many summers among the West Highland locks, I am perfectly familiar with the appearance and habits of whales, seals, porpoises, etc. He actually writes Anne and C. And I've seen a million willies as well, which can often be seen in great numbers.

To these, the creature I have described bore no resemblance whatever. Can you say, or my name's not, and then say his name? Or my name's not Gilbert Borgle. Nice, that's a lovely name to say in a drawing. It is a lovely name to say. However, he did previously say that it was about the size of herring barrels, and that it was the colour of a porpoise. Yeah.

So it does slightly contradict himself there. Could be a porpoise that swallowed a herring marrow. Could be. I guess we'll never know, really, James. The wild beasts of the highlands and islands will remain a wet, wet mystery. Mm. How do you like it there? Two Loch monsters for the price of one.

Great, great monsters, thanks. The best, in my opinion, way better than Loch Ness. Mm. Loc whom? Yeah. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Exactly. I don't even know. Do you want some scoring on that, on the monsters? Yeah, let's score those monsters if you're ready to pass judgment. Okay, my first category I'm going to get this out of the way is supernatural. All righty. There are the time-honored problem with cryptid. Yep, the old cryptid trouble.

These cryptids don't exhibit any paranormal power. No, no, they don't. They don't appear to be supernatural. Yep. They just there. they're just getting on with their day. Yep, they're just swooping down towards Crofters. Oh, the wild beast of Barrisdale appears not to be able to go through doors or even to knock.

Yes. So that seems vaguely, vaguely vampire-like. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Supernaturally respectful. But wings and three-legs, that ain't natural. No. Are there any three-legged animal? on that scale with the face of a donkey?

I'm sure there are three lugged donkeys out there. It's inspirational. Two. Okay. Could have been worse. Could have been worse? I thought I was staring down the barrel of a one. My next category. Okay.

I don't know if you can tell I'm rubbing my hands together here in anticipation. It is naming. Now, come on. Gilbert Bogle. Gilbert Bogle. Gilbert Bogle. Gilbert Bogle over here. I'm doing, I'm doing me dance.

What is? What is Bogleing? What is that? I think it's, broadly speaking, wiggling one's bottom. Is it? I thought bogaling was when you mime singing. No, unless words have changed, meanings have changed. Oh, I thought it was the word for pretending to sing something.

I've inadvertently googled boggling. I'd realize I don't know how to spell bogling. I tried to look up the pronunciation of porpoise earlier, and I hit enter too soon, so I giggled porpoise prom, P-R-O-N, which was swiftly by the search engine auto-corrected to what it assumed I wanted. Very much not what I was looking for. Ooh. I've also... But apparently it's out there.

I've also now Googled Bogling. I don't know how... I now don't know how you spell Bogaling. Okay, here we go. From the Star Wars Wikipedia, Bogelings were small furry creatures native to the planet Bougarno. So that's put that question to rest. To Bogle, but the Bogle is a dance move originating from Kingston, Jamaica.

I realize, I've realized why I'm confused, because I was introduced to the concept of bogeling to the line from Spaced, where he makes fun of her for singing into the mirror Bogleing to Aswad. And because to me, Bogleing to Asward is a sentence with very few words I understand. And so I thought the action he was describing, singing into a mirror with a hairbrush, must be bogling. But no. It does really say what the move is. But Gerald Levy or Levy was also known as Mr. Bogle, Father Bogle, and Mr. Wacky.

He was a mastermind behind dance moves that he invented whilst enjoying himself at Jamaican dance halls. Mr. Wacky. Wow. Yeah. He invented such moves as the Wacky Dip, the Urkel Dance, the Sesame Street, the Bogle dance, the Jerry Springer, the Zip It Up, the Hottie Hottie Bogle. You're just making these over this point, right, Julie? The Willy Bounce, the sweeper and Stucky. He's considered the greatest danceful dancer of all time by many people.

Wow. But they're not saying how... It's all very well to say he invented the Willie Bounce, but what does that mean? I didn't even know what a Bogle was. The Willie Bounce is named after his friend. John Bounce. The crew member, Willie Huggott.

Right. Right. Well, as we know now, the credit really ought to go to Gilbert Bogle, the true inventor of Bogleing. The true original Bogle. The original Bougler. I can't remember what the score was for.

It was named. There were loads of other names. We had Udermans. Yeah, the Himdemans. Antun Cornelis Udermans. That guy with the Hairy McCallisters. Yeah, John Heres McCulloch. Rherald McMaster,

Alistair, McGrigger, the Beast of Barristale. Mm-hmm. Itself. All those Macrays. Loch Hell. That's what Loughorn might mean, but I suspect it doesn't.

Hmm. Oh, it's 5 out of 5. Yes. 100%. Very nice. Most gratefully accepted. Thank you, James. And of course, the Isle of Egg. I love Egg. I love Egg. My next category for you, and I feel like I might be, I'm glad you've scored names,

so I feel like I'm shaving a little bit off of names with this one. McCrazy like a fox. Oh, yes. What I'm getting at is that a lot of people were called McCray. I nearly said, but I anticipated this might have been a category, but I nearly said at the end of naming, I'd give you five out of five for the amount of McRae's alone.

Well, I'm glad you didn't say that, but if you had, then this would have been perfect. I would have to stick to it. Now that you've told me that, you're obliged to give me five out of five. Because how many, I mean, we had many McRaees. Too many Macraise.

Kate, Miss Forbes J, the Reverend. It was a McFad of McRae's. Yep, it was, it was, yes, the McCray craze. Mm-hmm. Muckray, Craig. That would have been a more up-to-date, rather than crazy like a fox, I sort of gone with cray-crae, shouldn't I?

McCrae. Crazy frogs. My crazy frog. Yeah, a more up-to-date reference, like The Crazy Frog. Yes. By the way, which decade do you associate the crazy frog with? Uh, it's a tricky one, isn't it?

It's end 90s. I would have said exactly that. It's the early 2000s. It's the year 2000. What? Yeah, I know. He didn't come around. He didn't expose us.

It wasn't exposed to us until then. Sorry, do you feel like the crazy frog was subjected to us? Oh, he exposed himself to us. He did expose himself to us, yes. Until they pixelated that video. Yes. I'm going to check this now. Hold on.

So the sound, the annoying sound, was from 1997 when a Swedish student recorded himself imitating the sound of an engine but the animated frog doing that noise is from 2003. Three? Yeah.

Yeah, so the crazy frog has the voice of riga diga dig dig or whatever it is. It's almost in the mid-2000s. I know. I know. Not even early. But it feels so 90s.

Yeah. I thought the crazy frog died in prison. So, yeah, in conclusion, McRazy like a fox. Yeah, five out of five. Five out of five, yes, because the crazy frog. Final category. Lach, stock and eight herring barrels. Nice. Oh, that is lovely. Yes. I was quite pleased with that.

Lovely, lovely, lovely stuff. Couldn't think of a word to replace stock, annoyingly. I had to just keep stock. But it's Loch Stock, see I did it a little bit. Well, it's, I mean, to honour that wonderful name of the scoring, I have to give it five. Really? Just out of respect for the name. Out of respect for the name.

That is wonderful work. Guy Ritchie's Loch Stock and eight herring barrels. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. If only there, if only I knew any other Guy Ritchie film. in order to continue the punning. If only anyone...

I don't think he made any other films. I think it was just that. Yes, that was it. Just a one and done like the... Which Find a General guy or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I'm watching it and thinking, oh, this guy one day directs a live action remake of Aladdin.

That's what I thought to myself, but it'll never happen. No, sadly no. With Will Smith in the role of the genie. That would be my dream. Yes. But it would never happen. Well, there you go. I think I did a fairly good job on the pronunciation of the words there, probably.

I didn't see them written down. Like, they could have been spoke completely different how you said them. So, yeah, sounds all right to me. James quickly distancing himself from the pronunciation there. Well, if you want to correct my pronunciation of any Scottish place, names or Gaelic words, you can write us a review. But please make sure it's a five-star review. We only take feedback from the five-star reviews.

Exactly. And if you want to hear some extra bits that may have been cut out from that and join the law folk on the lawfolk discord, please join us at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. And you're getting access to all those things there. And thank you very much to all the people that already do, do that. Thank you for doing that. Do-doo, thank you for your do-do. I want to be Sting.

I could have got the powers of Sting. Not the musician Sting. Oh, yes, the musician Sting. The powers of the musician Sting. Yes, the powers of the... If I was bitten by Sting, I suppose you would get the powers of Sting. Hmm.