Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep3 - The Shug Monkey of Cambridge with Edd Hedges

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

The Loreboys are joined by the legend that is Edd Hedges, returning to right an ancient wrong. Comedian & podcaster, Edd is probably best known for being on the fabled lost episode of Loremen. We're finally making up for that whole palaver with a bevy of Cambridgeshire oddities, from a terrifying monkey (some would call it a dog) to The Chronophage. Check out Edd on tour in the UK, Ireland and the US! AND if you're in the mood for seeing live comedy, come see the Loremen Live at Leicester Comedy Festival 7th February PLUS ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Edited by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Laurence Hisee⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At Desjardin Insurance, we know that when you own a nail salon, everything needs to be perfect from tip to toe. That's why our agents go the extra mile to understand your business and provide tailored solutions for all its unique needs. You put your heart into your company, so we put our heart into making sure it's protected. Get insurance that's really big on care. Find an agent today at Dejardin.com slash business coverage. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. I'm James Shankshaft. I'm Alistair.

We've got a deputy this week. It wouldn't be old Ed Hedges, would it? It bloomin would be as well. He of the legendary lost episode of Lawmen. He is, yeah, he's back to write what once went wrong. And also, he's got a tour coming up. In England and the USA? Yes, exactly those two places.

Wow. But in the meantime, enjoy the episode, The Shug Monkey. Alistair, it's comedian and friend of both the podcast and us, Ed Hedges. Oh, hello. And podcaster as well, actually. I wouldn't call me a podcaster. I'm not a podcast. It's got a podcast.

I've got a podcast. You're podcasting right now, Ed. Very professionally, may I say. This is a self-worth problem, I feel, at its heart. I will, I'll accept the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I'm a podcaster. He's just sort of, I'm a podcast. Are you even a white man, Ed? I'm not even sure. Wow. The thousands of episodes, I just look them all the way and I listen back to him, I'm like, very good, Ed.

Another singer. So, Ed, of course, um, I remember you from knowing you for several years. And from the legendary, the now legendary last episode of Lawmen that we recorded at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2019 with some quite dodgy sound equipment that made it all go weird. And I'm glad that you are here and we can finally write an ancient wrong. Glad to be back. It's going to be like when they return all the gold in Pirates of the Caribbean and then everything's better. Everything's back to Norman. The curse would be lifted and we can finally stop making this hellish podcast.

Somewhere a student reviewer is going to crumble to dust the second week. finish. So there were lost episode, just for completists. That was the, it was the basilisk, wasn't it? It was the, yeah, what was it called? The Essex Basilisk?

It was the Saffron-Waldon Cockatrice. Oh, Cockatrice. Oh, half-sake, cockerel. And he was eventually slain by the mirror knight, a knight that glued mirrors all over his shield. The glitter ball night.

This is all coming back to me. Yeah. Yes. That's a good story. But upon review, I have thought about it. And I thought, well, you know, that's not honest. Because I was born in Cambridge, but I was raised in Stance did Mount Fitchett. And Stance to Mount Fitchett's a really small village.

Mount Fidgett. Mount Fitchett. Mount Fitchett. Mount Fitchett, M-O-U-N-T-C-H. Oh. So the reason it's called that is because there was a French, like, Duke who moved there in the old times. And he built a big castle, and the locals couldn't pronounce his name, similar to the elephant

and castle situation. So all the car, his name was Count Moffichette. And all the locals called him Count Mittfichet. Oh, lovely. Just to the left of the airport. Anyway, I googled if there was law around there, and there was one piece of law, but it's not enough to do a podcast on. That doesn't stop us.

Well, it was a fourth there. That's never, never, never stopped James in the past. We can push through the treacle. there was a fort there and it said that it was cursed that no king would ever be able to re-establish the fort so it would always be in disarray and i've looked into it and that is definitely true now because they've built a big co-op there so that's kind of it's kind of the end of that but they the curse says that the shelves will never be completely stacked and the top section which is for colleague use only will never be accessible the whoopsie aisle will never have more than a five percent reduction

And then Ed did a joke about shops as well My brain then was like Come on, think of something. Castle, food. Yeah, so there's nothing to do with that one So I thought I'd go Cambridge this time. I didn't know you were born in Cambridge. I was.

I was born in Adam Brooks Hospital. A healthy 13 stone baby. Is that a lot for a baby? Yeah, I came out. 13 stone is too much. Oh, stone isn't it? That's like a stone less than me. No, 13 stone is...

Right now. That's a... Sorry. I'm sorry, I don't know Imperial Measurement, so I have no idea how large a baby you just described. It's like a baby that weighs the same I do. That is too big for a baby. It's a 32-year-old accountant baby.

It would be a very different law. Very, very healthy. The baby would be healthy, sure. It would have written a good Edinburgh show for you if you had been a 13 stone baby. I was a big baby. I was a really big baby, and it was all in my head. So I had like a five-year-old head and a infant's body. Well, just came out like a bowling ball.

Like a chuppie-chap. With the body of a damn troll glued to it. Yeah. Wow. I took my first steps when I was like six. Couldn't get the balance. Would you think you just roll on my head? I was on the car fraser just trying to get catch up.

That is, I mean, that is law unto itself, the bowling ball baby. But there's more. there's more that you bring into us on, isn't there? Yes. Would you like me to introduce my law? Please do. Let's have a little bit of law. I looked into it and the thing, Cambridge is an East Anglia as well. Lots of law, lots of folklore, lots of very old tombs on the internet that you can look into.

But the thing I found was called the Shug Monkey. I think I'm saying that right. S-H-U-G-Munkey. Shug-Munkie. The Shug Monkey. It sounds like a word we wouldn't say anymore for people. It feels like it's a cancelable slur. It does feel like a slur.

These Shug monkeys, don't like them. Well, you guys with your twisted minds, for me, it just sounds like, it sounds like a shrug monkey. And it's just like, you've got like, see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. And I don't even know what evil is. You're just not bothered about evil. What I love about the Shug Monkey, right? Do you want me to give you a brief synopsis of who this character is? Yeah.

So I've read old books on this. It's a cross between a huge shaggy black dog and a monkey. Okay. So it's got the face of a monkey and somehow it's got... Me too. During the club, fellas. And it also really essentially has... glowing red eyes.

Oh. So I wonder if etymologically, Shug and Shook must be quite close because we've got Black Shuck, the dog, and then the Shug monkey, it feels like we're in the same family of monsters in the, in the, in the Fens. In East Anglia and the Fens,

Shug, Shook, Shooka all mean devil or demon. And the reason for that is unknown to me. See if you can pick this apart. It walks on its hind legs continuously, so it's upright all the time. At what point do we stop calling them hind legs and start saying it has legs for arms? Yeah. If you're forever on your hind legs, you've just got two leg arms. I mean, you're always on your hind legs as well, Ed.

And we don't say that. I do not have front legs. If occasionally I sauntered down some steps on my hands and I had calloused heel palms, we can call them hind legs. But these are just normal legs and we're focusing and on the wrong thing, old people. It has leg arms.

I'm now focusing on you going down steps on all fours. That sounds dangerous. I might go upstairs on all fours. Never gone downstairs on all fours. If chased by a parent that was clap, clap, clap, clapping to get you up to bed,

sure, you're going to scrabble. What kind of Beatrix Potter did you grow up in that that was the thread? Shoo! Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. Oh, it was terrifying. You were, sorry, you were applauded to bed every night, James.

That's why explains a lot. That's why he does a show business. Another wonderful day completed. So the Shug Monkey was first written about by James Wentworth Day. You were aware of his work? It does ring a bell. He wrote a very, very famous book called, Here Are Ghosts and Witches in 1954.

And this book... Oh, that sounds good. Here are Ghost and Witches. That's going on my list. That's another issue I have with it. I've really struggled with it because it feels like you've walked in halfway through him telling you what the book's title is.

Do you what I mean? Yeah, I should have been listening as to what was in the other spot. Yeah. If here a Ghost of Wittes, what's there? Or when you read it, you look like he's put... He must have been pointing somewhere when he told his editor. They're there.

And just outside three witches. So in it, he had an interview with a guy called Andrew Doyle, which is like an unsettling, it's a very modern name for a man, but he was the police constable. So Andrew Doyle said two things in an interview with Mr. James Wentworth Day. He said that the Shug monkey is a cross between a rough-coated dog and a monkey with big, shining amber eyes. he then went on to say something that I feel is a bit of a letdown.

He said, children, give them a wide berth. Which I don't think strikes fear. Children are like, oh, just go to the other side of the road. That's not, it's not running fear of your life. It's just skirt around the monster. This book by James Wentworth Day comes out in 1954, and it's based on reports from years and years and years ago. Like loads of loads, loads of reports.

You know, the constable of the police has done one. It's all over East Anglia. We're in 2026 now. I think if I hadn't have seen television, which the people in 1954 likely hadn't, I wouldn't be able to tell you what a monkey looked like. Oh. Yeah, good point.

I've only seen like three monkeys in my life, probably. Tops, R.R. and the books. Yeah. So I'm thinking this is just a guy in a coat. You're right. Every description of it is,

so it's a monkey, and then the description is a description of a dog or a guy. Nobody's mentioned a tail so far, or swinging from trees, or eating fruit, throwing poo, or any of the other things

with which monkeys are associated. weighing on me that time weighing on James none of the classic although a dog could we on you as well James sure it has I'm sure it has I'm sorry

you're doing that thing of no kids well I know about I mean I could have been being urinated on by a dog yes oh you know I've lived I've been around

could have been weed on by a dog could have could have I've also I've done the research we are two years away from the PG tips chimps at this stage they didn't come out till 56

So there's no chance. So the PG tips chimps are in the future. Just in case anybody didn't grow up with animal cruelty for entertainment, James, would you just explain what the PG tips are? It's a brand of tea from England. Suitable for people aged 12 and up, I believe. From 1956 to 2001, they would dress chimps up in... humans clothes, make a walk around on their hind legs, and give them tea.

And then they sort of did, comedians would do voiceovers as though they were a family, the Tips family. Yeah. The Tips family. That was Tilly. Are we, when we were, when we were young, they were like, we've got to update this, we've got to update this. And the advertising people were like, don't worry, one of them's on a skateboard.

It's very radical and hip. It's very 1996. The evolution of the PG-Tips monkey to go from like, okay, we can't keep using monkeys like this. what if we knitted him? Remember, there was a knitted Phaed Tips Monkey that was insanely popular. Johnny Vegas' friend. Johnny Vegas's friend.

And now, he's back, I think. Is that the Pagetis monkey? He's voiced by Ivo Graham now. Is he? I think so. Yeah. Is this a, is this? The knitted one?

The monkey, the monkey. The knitted monkey, not the knitted Ivo Graham. I'm pretty certain that's real. Hold on. Let me check. Let's fact check Ivo Graham. Yes, he was played by Ben Miller originally. Ivo Graham.

Ivo Graham, the comedian, was originally played by Ben Miller, the comedian. The monkey was originally Ben Miller, but he's been reincarnated as Ivo Graham recently. Wow. Do you want to hear my favourite fuchs about the Shug Monkey Bi-Mile? Yes, praise. Yes. So the Shug Monkey, exists in an area called Slough Hill Lane in West Ratting, I believe it's pronounced in Cambridge.

It's just outside of Cambridge. West Ratting. W-R-A-T-I-N-G. Beautiful and revolting name, West Ratting. Yeah, Ratting. Damn you, North Rattoners. I'm sure there's a big East Side-West-Side rivalry, as always, between East-E-Retting and West Ratting. This creature, right,

that's written about in books and it dates back to the 16th century, exists in a two-mile long country lane. It's not in a church or it's not like a demon in a like a college. It's literally just a monkey dog that walks up and down a lane. Simple as that. I feel like that makes it quite sweet. Yeah. I feel it's quite endearing.

He sticks to his lane. How narrow is the lane? Is it possible to give it a one? birth on this lane? Or is it a matter of you just going home? If you go halfway down it and you meet the monkey. Do you mean like when you meet a car

at one way and you have to start of us? You've got to back up to a passing place. Bloody Shug Monkey again. No, this time he backs up, actually. We had to cancel the holiday. He didn't say thanks. See that. Sometimes the Shug monkey

will just flash its eyes to let you know that it is giving you permission to do. It's amber eyes. Yeah. So that is the Shrug Monkey. I think it's an adorable thing. I'm on your side though, Ed.

I don't understand where, how they're getting dog from this. It's everything about it screams monkey. Just a regular monkey. Yeah, you think it's so well branded as a monkey there, James. They've tricked you with their marketing. There's nothing monkey like about this. There's nothing dog-like.

like? There was a thing... There was a thing that said it ran. It's a pure monkey. You're dreaming? He said it ran. Well, it's walking on its back legs. It does run on all four. It does run on all four, to be fair.

What's this? Breaking, breaking, breaking monkey news. Monkey moves like dog. What's this? It runs on all fours? Yeah, I suppose monkeys do run on all fours, don't they? Monkeys do that, yeah, actually, yeah. I still think it's, it sounds a lot like a dog.

If they're being clapped upstairs when they've just done a really good advert. Yeah, Shug Monkey. I like him. Beautiful. A very sweet little, not monstrous and terrifying like many of the Shugs of the region. Just a little sweetheart. Just a little cutie, patootie. I heard whispers of a clock. Have you got a clock in that bag of tricks there, Ed? Right, guys, I am going to get my clock out. You can edit that out if you want.

You mean I use it as a clip to promote the episode? The most scandal. The smallest lawman episode ever. It's too hot. It's too hot to handle. They're calling two hot hedges. He makes your podcast too hot for the clean tag on Apple Podcasts. Spot off.

Why would you say that? So. The corpus, it's called the Corpus Christi Clock. Have either of you, fine gentlemen... Body of Christ. Have either of you been to Cambridge before? assume you both have. I've been to the city.

I think I actually have. This is dead in the middle. I'm from Oxford way, though, so I didn't realize. We're like Bloods and Cripsed, I never knew. We're like Romeo and or Juliet. I don't think we are, because Oxford's a proper city. And Cambridge is like a village that got a grant. I don't want to say it.

Also, you punt the wrong way around, but... That's the most yokel slur. You backwards punters. Don't even know I'm put. You're supposed to stand on the stick and push with the boat. So, in Cambridge there is a area called Trumpington. Oh, come on. Now there is. As in Baroness Trumpington's, the late Baroness Trumpington's former stomping ground, I imagine.

On Trumpington Street, there's a very, very large gold clock. It's about four foot tall. four foot wide, circles often are similar. Up and down. He real us in there with his circle description. This guy knows circles. Lean in. Some of you say the problem with podcasts is they're full of unnecessary verbiage.

But thank you for describing both the height and width of that circle. Thank you. Imagine a circle. Now listen as I tell you what you've imagined. So it's like a big, circle. There's no numbers on it. There's no recognisable features. Oh, I hate that. There's a series of Latin letters and numbers. There are also pictures of coffins as well. Oh, I like that. It has no hands. We got you back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The

Gondlock has got me back interested. So it has no hands. It has a series... Yet it must wave. Sorry, I bet so. That really tickle me. That's a bad reference, isn't it? I like that. So no hands at all. Everything about this clock is quite offensive because from afar

it looks like a large, very pretty like timepiece. It's shiny golden, like really bright golden. And it has a series of lights on it, like LED lights that don't look cheap or tacky. It looks very nice. But the LED lights are a type of blue that is offensive.

Oh, I hate that blue. It's like an offensive. Here's another annoying thing. The blue lights move in a way that is not uniform. Sometimes they'll move around a really quick way, then they won't move for three minutes, and then they'll move for like 30 seconds around. There's no logic to this clock at all.

Because we've just left the festive season, and the great frustration for me of the festive season is everyone's Christmas lights are on the demo mode where it cycles through all the different styles. and it's like, pick one. Twinkling, flashing, choose one. Exactly that kind of angle. It sounds like the whole of Cambridge

has been left on shop demo mode. Do you think there's a button on the back that if you push, it'll just start telling the... It's 3.40 on the clock. Just a normal clock. Like the designer's going to walk past it and be like, guys, what are we doing?

How long has it been like this? So is it an old clock, but with LEDs added to it in modern day? So the clock, no, it was a stab. on the 19th of September 2008, and seven years and eight days before that was 9-11. Oh, coincidence? You can't say. You can't say.

It was unveiled by Mr. Stephen King. Not Stephen King. Stephen Hawkins. Stephen Hawkins. Whoa, it's rare that a stumble like that gets upgraded to an even more famous guy. It's not Stephen King. Get out of here, King. we got Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawkins unveiled it or Stephen King was in the background looking sad some local mayor was like really sorry it was just the typo we'll get you into the next one I'll get you into the next clock so Stephen King

unveiled it no Stephen Hawkins God right okay guys Ethan Hawkins Stephen Hawkins Stephen Hawkins on the 19th of September 2008

so it's very new it wasn't a part of my childhood. What it was was the thing that I always ended up staring at for a long time when I'd go out on nights out with friends. I'd get drunk and separated. I'd always end up in front of the corpus clock. I never understood. Separated from your

friends. Yeah, they would go to a club and then I would get social anxiety and I would walk to the clock. Let's ditch this large baby and and I'll get really wild. Hey guys, let go of the legs. Let's let them go of the legs. Let's let them go down the hill. So it was it was unveiled. It's a very new thing. Whenever I go out drinking, I would end up in front of it with the bright, like you say, offensive Christmas lights, like burning my retinas. There's a thing on top of it called, on top of this clock is a giant golden grasshopper. So the grasshopper will blink with anamorphonic eyelids very slowly, very human, like, slightly too human-like. And at second intervals, the grasshopper opens and closes its mouth.

Is that on demo mode too? It could be. It could be. I've always wanted to put my finger in the grasshopper's mouth to see how tightly it pinches. Can you get, can you, could you touch it? Is it covered by a screen. It's behind a big glass. So it's kind of on the edge of, like it's on a corner.

So there's a street going that way. There's a street going that way and a street going that way. And on the corner is this clock. And I think King's College is behind you potentially. I don't know if I'm remembering that wrong. The big famous college in Cambridge where they do carols from the Kings. Which is probably why they called it that. So, the glasshopper on the top is called the, I'm going to say this wrong, the chronophage.

Oh, you mean it eats time? It eats time. So that's what this whole clock is about. How do you know that? Because I did all of the research. No, how did he know that? Because he's Alecester Beckett King. No, I'm just, I just know what, like, Fagg,

Fagas means eat, doesn't it? Like a sarcophagus is a body eater, I think. Oh? Maybe the yoghurt, Phage, is eating itself. And Kronos means time. Kronos means time. So he's the grasshopper is eating time.

Oh, we all know that. Of course, we all know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another creepy thing is on the hour, every hour, and this is the only clock like element it has, on the hour every hour, but not on our hour. So every 60 minutes, but it doesn't necessarily align with a number zero zero.

Do you understand what I mean? So it might be at half past two, it could be another time, but every 60 minutes, the clock chimes. It doesn't make a ding-dong noise. It plays either the sounds of chain scraping on the floor or the sound of a coffin lid shutting. What is going on with this clock? Cambridge is such a happy city as well. It's all about smart people. The reason I love Cambridge is because no one's got any.

need to go there unless they are either intensely intelligent, love reading, or just love a pretty city. So it's a very nice, liberal, like, multicultural city. It's really lovely. And then you've got the death clock. So it was designed by a guy, so I'll tell you what it's all about. Designed by a guy

called Jonathan Taylor, I believe. John Taylor, he goes by John. Sorry, Jonathan, I don't know you like that. John Taylor designed it. Jonathan Taylor, if he's in trouble. Get to bed, Jonathan Taylor. And he'd run up serves on his hands and legs. No applause for dinner for you, Jonathan Taylor. No clothes for Johnny Taylor.

No, get straight to bed. Straight to bed with no applause. Did you make another weird clock, Jonathan Taylor? We said, can we have a normal clock? And you promised you'd make a normal clock, and it's come out weird. Inside, I forgot to mention this, but inside the centre of the corpus Christi clock, there is a tiny wooden coffin. Lovely.

You can't see it. It's just buried inside of it. So just know it's there. So John Taylor, he came out and said, basically, I view time as not on your side. He, the chronophage, will eat up every minute of your life. And as soon as one has gone, he'll salivate for the next. So this is a clock designed by a millionaire,

funded by billionaires, to show struggling students that they're dying every second of the day and every moment is leaving them. It is the most morbid, creepy shit. I've ever seen in my life. And it exists for no reason. And the reason I'm bringing this up in the Lawmen podcast, I appreciate it's not like a piece of old law or like,

it's not got the old thing, but the kind of the mythical element. But if our civilization died out completely. And then we re-got back here as amoeba, amoeba, whatever. We started again, like Ivo Graham. Straight back to PG tips. We are at Typhoon, not even a PG-Tips yet. Working our way up, we dream of PG-Tips.

We've just got a couple of berries in a mug of tepid water, and we're getting there. I don't think there's anyone that could tell why this thing has been created, what it's been created for, what it does, it serves no purpose, it's a folly, essentially. It's the dumbest folly to make everyone remember death. And that's why I wanted to bring up in this, because we don't do follies anymore. Like, and for the listeners that don't know what folly is,

occasionally you'll see like an obelisk of just solid stone in the countryside. And that's, it's called a folly. And when someone in the old days was really, really rich, they'd just build a massive stone stick to show how much money they have. It was like the Dubai holiday of medieval times. Yeah. And this is the only thing I think we've done recently that's like just a folly. It exists for no reason.

You can't interact with it. It does nothing. It's not art because it's bleak. And it's extremely offensive. Like the light is very offensive. But do you think I kind of, unfortunately, I think old Johnny Taylor might win the day here. Because I feel like against your will, Ed, you're having an artistic reaction to... Oh, no.

You're making it well. I think Taylor's got you. You're making me feel things again, John. How can this be art when it's making me have an emotional reaction? Answer me that, Mr. Artist. I need to write a poem about this immediately. Actually, I think you're right not to consider it art because it won an award as a best invention.

What does it do, though? An invention? Yeah. In 2008, it was voted as one of the best inventions of 2008. And do you know what magazine voted it? Nuts. Time magazine. Oh, that's a bit on the nose.

Time... Whoa, they're just in the pocket of themselves. Big time. Big time. Big time. Is it an invention in the sense of Shindogu, the pointless inventions company? In that sense?

It just says Time magazine. Yeah, I think you're right. I think they've got a horse in that race. They shouldn't be allowed to say clocks are good if they're Time magazine. Or they're the way you go to. to find out if clocks are good. What was second place, sundials?

Well, there was another one as well. There's one on the Isla Man. Another corpus clock. Yeah, but it's called the Dragon Clock. We need a map and we need to start drawing lines between these to see what shape of about. 100% the different fragments of King Arthur's soul are being kept in these weird clocks, definitely. Yeah, yeah. It says that the gold-plated dial was made by,

explosive forming, using an explosive charge to press a thin sheet of stainless steel into a mould underwater at a secret military research institute in Holland. What? What? Anything that elicits that many questions, should it list at least one answer that isn't, we're all going to die. I don't feel like that's good enough. I guess a lot of art has a sort of,

element of Memento Mori, not necessarily as overt as the clock that reminds you the death is coming, but I like the sound of this clock. Is it a little coffin? Do you think it's, you know, it's so irregular and it's got this little coffin in it? Do you think we're just, it hasn't got to the point where it strikes the whatever, and it's like a cuckoo? And the little coffin pops out. Either that, or a tiny man will appear from the coffin and rule earth. I think we need to find out what's in the coffin.

And then he's bound to encourage everyone who mocked the clock. Everyone who mocked the clock will be in big trouble then. I think we might have Rokos basilisked ourselves into endorsing the clock. So I just want to say thanks to the clock and we think it's a great idea. Yeah. I think irregular clocks, you know, they're not right twice a day. And I think that's a quitters. technique being right twice a day.

You want to be wrong all the time. A clock is never right at all. Yeah. Technically not a clock, just a large circle. Yes. Also, another thing that annoys me about the Wikipedia page of it is they've got it next to a man for scale. And that is literally what the capture of the picture says,

the corpus clock with a man for scale. And as previously discussed on this very podcast, men come in lots of different shapes and sizes. You can't use them. Yeah, wow. I'm looking at it now and I'm thinking that looks giant, or is that just quite a short guy? I don't know.

Could be a little guy. If you threw a child me in there, it would really fuzzy the borders with my giant head. Maybe we can't see the big sphere. It's got a pendulum that swings like an axe, like the like pose pendulum. I forgot this. Slicing through time.

This thing's great, Ed. How can you not like this clock? I think. I think the reason I don't like it is because why do I keep ending up there? I feel my, I'm drawn to it in a very, like, weird way. I feel like a dyslexic man drawn to a library. Like, what do you want from me? Oh, I've just seen the LED lights.

No, they are a bit too blue. It is a bit much. Have you heard of the Trinity Ghost Club? No. Oh, I don't think so. So the Trinity Ghost Club was formed in 1862 in the Victorian era. and it was originated in very, very early meetings of the Trinity College in Cambridge. Famously, Trinity College in Cambridge, as everyone listened to this, probably knows.

Real smart cookies. You've got some real, I mean, old Stephen King's a member, so we've got some thinkers. So the brain boxes are all sitting in their mahogany chairs talking about DNA and bunts and burners and stuff. unknowable evils. Did you go to Cambridge, Ed, by the way? I didn't. I studied zoology at the University of Rittal. Is that a nice or? I have no idea whether that's true or Rittal College.

I studied zoology at Rittal College. Wow. I left to be a comedian before the animal stuff, but after the cleaning up dung stuff. So I have a B-tech in picking up different types of shit. Wow. Wow. Where's a Rist? Rytle is just near Chomsford in a kind of Essex Sea. There's a whole area called in between Essex and Cambridge that share a border.

And that's where I'm from. I'm from like the countryside in between. The Rittal lands. Rittal famously has a goose. It's famous for a goose? Yeah, we have a goose. I was it a swan. I was there for about three months.

Well, this large-headed kids got a gift for. for zookeeping. Fast-tracking. This kid's confusing the meerkats. Get them out of it. So, the Trinity College Ghost Club was a paranormal activities club

formed in 1862 by a small group of Cambridge scholars and fellows. To become a fellow, you need to be crazy smart. Like, you're paid to read books in a college. It's mad smartness.

And they started investigating paranormal activity. They started they started looking at like Ouija boards, seances they did a lot of stuff in the college itself looking for different kinds of like old ghosts

I think it's Oliver Cromwell's head is buried somewhere in Trinity College they spent some time looking for that which is you know it's good the thing that confuses me about it is the clientele that it attracted because it's made me doubt science in

our history. Some of the noticeable members of the Trinity College Ghost Club were Charles Dickens. Okay. Chuckie D. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Makes sense. W.B. Yates. ACD.

Oh yeah. ACD. Arthur Conan Doyle with a lad's name. ACD. ACD. Do the... That's sir a ACD to you. really essay.

Hey, Sacked. W.B. Yates was a member of the Ghost Club. Yeah, he liked a bit of the magic, didn't he? And a wine lodge. There was another one who, everyone on Reddit was talking about a lot. And I was like, I'll include him, but I don't know who he is. So he can come, but I don't know you. So William Crooks?

Willie Crooks is a fresh one on me. If he's being lauded on Reddit, I think we should probably check. Check what his thoughts and feelings are. He's a science boy, and I don't think he did anything fun. Okay. So, fun thing about the Trinity College Ghost Club is they created more ghosts than they found. What?

Trinity College Ghost Club made four times the amount of ghosts as they discovered. Four different people fell off of railings and beams to their deaths while investigating ghosts. While looking for ghosts. That's incredible. I just think that's quite poetic. Yeah. And that's trinic...

That sounds like the ghosts don't want to be found. No. No. Also, Cromwell's heads buried somewhere there. So I don't know about you guys and what your next live episode looks like. That's a couple shovels. Yeah. Can you get a metal detector for head?

A head detector? Would you... I don't know. I don't know how a metal detector even works. To even be able to guess at how a head detector. would work. I don't think we have the technology. If we find the body,

do you think it will just naturally be attracted and reattach and reanimate vampires? No, we've accidentally brought Cromwell back. We've put Cromwell and Trumpington back. It's the horror romance you didn't know you needed. Baroness Trompington and Cromwell. Wow.

So then my little stories about Cambridge. Thank you very much for dropping into Lawman Towers with those fine, fine tales, Ed. Thank you for having it. having me in... However, we must, as you know, now transition to the scores

where I will pass judgment. Yes. I will be acting as your lawyer which is a do awful pun. That one that has never worked and will never work. I can go for naming first. Okay, so names.

Yes. We've got Shug Monkey. We've got the Shug Monkey, very strong. Stephen King. Stephen the Hawking. Stephen the Hawking. Stephen the Hawke. Stephen King of the Hawks.

And there's got to be a Stephen Snake King. Stephen the Lion King. Stephen walking dog monkey. Baroness Trumpington. Baroness Trumpington who somehow sneaked in. The street name's called Trumpington Street. I think for names as well, we need to consider the fact that I bought to the table. quotes with the names of the author.

I had the wonderful Mr. John Taylor for the corpus Christi clock, the designer. James Wentworth Day, and who can forget, our old friend, the constable of Slauill Lane, I think his name, was Andrew Taylor. Andrew Doyle. Andrew Doyle, wasn't it?

Andrew Doyle. Andrew Doyle. Yeah, Andrew Doyle. And of course the title of the book You've got the title of the book Here are the ghosts Here's it There's the ghosts

Wait so it's Here are ghosts and witches I've got them quick In the head Gestures towards window Yeah I'm reading it It's like a bit of a sort of a dad At the end of his tether

Here a ghost and witches Yeah like the editor was chasing him for weeks Yeah Or ghosts and witches I want to write my book about werewolves I think it's a three for names, but I have enjoyed them. I think it's a decent three, a respectable...

I'll take a strong three. Mid-League three. Not noteworthy either way. Is me to a tea? Supernatural. I did call you James earlier in the recording, to be fair. I did, maybe I should do. James of the James. A B James, what do you think? James and little James.

Supernatural, where's the next one? Wow. Yeah. I mean, how else can you? you explain? A monkey that walks like a dog with the body of a dog and a head of a... I think a dog, if I recall correctly. It's an ugly dog. It's an ugly, intelligent dog. Very intelligent dog.

Do you know what, guys? I'm going to be really... Look, I love the show. I'm glad to be here. I'm not trying to con con anyone. Let's be honest, supernatural. We're lacking a little bit. We've got a walking dog. We've got a clock and we've got some people that looked for ghosts but never found them and a co-op. Oh yeah, we did that. I forgot about the co-op.

You know, the cursed, the cursed, the cursed co-op. The best co-op, the bread, I... Super actual, a low one. Perhaps it is a little low. It's rare that the guest tries to negotiate down in this category. Frankly, I'm perplexed by it, and my instinct is to push back and say, no, it was quite spooky, the Shug Monkey with its glowing eyes and children. Good, Alice.

Is it? Oh, my birth? Good. Good. Keep following that train. I'm going to say it's a four out of spite. You tell me how to score categories. My plan. It's the old... It's the old Oxford Cambridge Pushing Poole. Yes, it worked. Oh, Ed, I am going to applaud you up the stairs.

That is a wonderful bit of reverse psychology there. You should get badges made called a shake shaft applause or a shake shaft ovation with some stairs. a thoroughly undeserved four out of five there for supernatural because you tricks me what's the next category massive wind up massive wind up massive wind up

because you got yourself a big clock there that you Ed think is pointless but I actually think is quite thought-provoking and I think if you were being honest and looking deep within yourself I think you'd realise that you love the clock Alistair wait a minute wait a minute let's just break this down

what does this clock make you think of? It's the passing of time. That's all clocks. Yeah, but like clocks, you used to have like tempus fugit written on them, didn't they? Like time flies. My clock that we have downstairs always makes me sing the spice girls

because it says on it, precious time. And I just get the lyric from the spice girls. I just get, Don't go west there. It's just, um, just whenever I look at the... Oh, it's not because the two and the one merged. Yes, it's inaccurate.

It's similarly inaccurate. It's good to know what you're going to mumble to yourself in your old age. Every day. So what do we think? Massive wind-up. It is a big wind-up. It is a big wind-up. Because by it's a big clock.

There's no, nobody saying it isn't a big clock, Ed. That's not. Let's go. It's not being debilipers. Let's look at this like a reviewer from an Edinburgh magazine during August. What does it really mean? The clock itself is a wind-up because the guy, Mr. John Taylor must have walked into the pitch room. I assume it's like Dragon's Den and said, I'm going to make you a clock.

And everyone was like, oh, brilliant. And then he walks away and goes, yeah, some kind of clock. And that is a wind-up. It is a wind-up by its nature. And Ed, how do you feel when you're out? and the town's staring at that clock. How do you feel? Do you feel calm and chilled out within yourself?

So you feel, you could say, you were wound up. I was wound up. The clock wound up. Vitriolic rage in me. It makes me stronger. It's so frustrating. I can lift more because of the anger. James' crotch examination has convinced me.

It's five out of five for wind up, which is not to say that I don't think the clock is good, but I do think it's obviously had an effect. on you, Ed. Trauma is how I would describe it, and I don't think that's too big of a word. So the final category is Corpett T, one shug.

Oh, oh, there you go. Oh, break it down. A volley of wordplay there. We've got the corpus clock. Yes. Yes, corper. Tea. Tea.

Tea for Baroness Trumpington. Tea for Baroness Trumpington. And also the PG tips. The popular beverage. Now promoted by Ivo Graham. Peezy tips. Ivo Graham's premium pre-gig drink.

One shug. One shug. And what were the last? We did. No, we had a shuck. We didn't even have two shugs. There is only one shug. And that's the monkey.

It is the monkey. It's only one shug. Corp. I think you'll agree. There are a lot of moving parts there. You have really, you have really pulled. pulled it off, yeah. I pulled a hamstring picking that together,

and I hope that is seen by the panel, and I hope my plea is heard. It's a five out of five. You're going to walk free, Ed. Takes me to a respectable 12. 12. A potential question mark, because we didn't agree that five was the top,

so I'll take it. Yeah, yeah, it's actually out of 20, but yeah, no, well done. Well done to you. Thank you. With my freedom. I'm going to go and deface the corpus clock. Ed, before you commit a crime that you've just admitted to in advance, before you do that,

is there anything you'd like to plug? I think a little bird tells me that you're on tour. I am on tour. I'm doing a very brief tour of England, and then I'm going to America. So if you're American listeners, I will be literally everywhere. We're in America? In America, I will be going to Boston, Philadelphia. New York City

Philadelphia New York City I'm going to I'm going to do everyone Okay Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Tennessee Chicago

Pittsburgh Chicago Chicago I say Chicago I'm sorry I'm like out of bad way I said Chicago Chicago Chicago

We're going to St Louis Louis We're going to St Louis Slugger St. Louis. We are going to Nashville. Nashville.

Massachusetts. Nashville. Nashville, Massachusetts. Atlanta. Atlanta in Arkansas. Arkansas. Arkansas. Arkansas.

Arkansas. We are going to Washington, D.C. I really didn't think it was going to such a long list. Washington, D.C. I'm Washington, D.C. Here are the ones I would love people to I would love the listeners of my favourite podcast

genuinely Lawman Thank you February the 9th I'm in Dublin Dublin Dublin Oh Dublin

The Windy City February I'm so excited February 12th I'm in Manchester Manchester The Big Apple The Big Apple And then February 14th, on Valentine's Day, I'm doing the Leicester Square Theatre in London. In London Town, Ontario.

Lester Square Theatre, the city of brother thee love. Yeah, that's my thing. Wow, what an incredible itinerary. Itinerary, itinerary? Itinerary? What an incredible roster of shows. there, Ed? If any of your fans are true crime fans, I've got a podcast called Wisecrack

that is a six-episode podcast and it's just one story all the way through. And it's dark. It is. I've had a listen. It's dark, but then it's also got Ed being funny in it as well. It's a real, it takes a lot of boxes.

It's a real thinker. It's like an orchestra. A mixture of dark and light. It's a muller corner of audio. I would love to be the mulloch corner of anything. Cool. No one puts baby in a muller corner. That was good. I like that.

Wow. And what a range of accents we are capable of, really. All of the American ones, right? Right. Every single one. I'm sure there's a couple of it. They might have made it to the cutting room floor. Perhaps.

If you'd like to hear those, please join us at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. Lawman pod. Thank you very much to everyone who already does that. Whatever accent you have, whether it be this one or this one. Or the other one. All the accents. Your room tour as well, though, Alistair. Don't forget that.

I am. Yeah, if you want to hear great accents like that, come and see my show King of Crumbs across the United Kingdom. We'll not do the voices. We have no time. Who's on the ropes? Which one of us is on the ropes? You're on the ropes. Are we both on the ropes?

We both on the ropes. It's such an exciting match, we're both on the ropes. Both of them are on the ropes. A boxing match where the referee is stood in the middle, like, please fight. Please just... Come on, brothers. Come back. Come back.

We're all their arrests. Now, come on. People have paid money to be here.