Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep32 - The Poole Pirate

Episode Date: September 3, 2026

It is time to screw on your sea legs, because the Loreboys are heading for the high seas! Specifically the ones immediately around Poole. (In Dorset? Of course we be endorsin' it, ye lubber!) James tells the life story of the Poole pirate Harry Paye, who learned that crime can actually be quite profitable. Get tickets to Alasdair on tour - ⁠⁠Immediately!⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know the same way you can skip an ad? I get it. I'm Siaia and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll.

So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast of a podcast of a show. local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of York. I'm James Shakeshaft. I'm Alistair Beckett King. And Alistair, I hope you brought one, your sea legs. Did you bring your sea legs?

Yeah, I've got them in a hold all. Good. And probably a blow-up vest with a whistle and a light for attracting attention. An only child's vest, I like to call it. I wear one all the time. Well, good, because we are going onto the seven seats. mostly the English Channel. Surely number one.

Surely that's the first of the 70s. That's in at number one. They wouldn't start counting not next to England. And we've got Harry Pay, Harry Pay, the pool pirate. James. What do you know about pool pirates? What springs to mind? Well, James, I've been on this podcast before.

Yes. So I'm going to guess we're not talking paddling. No. I'm going to guess we're not even talking swimming. I'm going to guess that we're talking, endorse it. Of course I would. I bloody love the place. Said in the voice of Davros, I think, there.

Yes, yes. Of course I would. Bloody love the blaze. Yeah. Yes, Paul, endorse it. P-O-O-L-E. E? E.

You better believe it. Sweet cheeks. I don't know why I called you sweet cheeks. It's okay. my cheeks are pretty sweet. That is true. But it wasn't always known as such, by the way. When it became a place, it was called La Pole.

La Pole? Yes. And it was in 1248, William Long's Pee, the second Lord of the Manor of Canford. He was known for his toilet breaks. Long's Pee. Long's Pee. He basically allowed the

people of La Poul, the right to elect six men to form a borough council, and basically he did some haggling and he got some money so that he could go on crusades. Oh, so there's a bit of quid pro quo there. They got a borough council and he got some taxes from them to fund his holiday, his violent holiday. According to Haunted Pool by Julie Harwood, you can, on St. Clement's Lane, which is where it happened, you can hear him haggling. still to this day.

Wow, what a negotiator. Still going on. You can still hear him peeing. Yeah, and apparently on the mayor's parade, you can see the face of William Longspee in the crowd. Or is that just, you know, some rural areas that you get a sort of a face type. Am I being unfair to Dorset here?

Yeah, we'll find out. We'll find out in the comments. But, yeah, you have to post a picture of yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can correct me on that, but you have to prove me you don't have the same face as William Longspy. You've got a standard length of P. Anyway. Now I'm wondering if it was long in time or in distance.

Oh, like he could, well, that would be fast P. Because the long jump isn't a jump that takes a long time, is it? It goes a distance. No, it should be the far jump. Yeah, yeah, good point. What fool called it long jump when it should have been called Far Leap? That's clearly a better name. Much better, much more slips off the tongue.

But you did mention violent holidays. I did. And that brings us to the subject of today's episode, which is a guy called Harry Pay, who was... Is he sort of like an old-fashioned version of Klana? Well, funny, you should say that as well. This is from Dorset Curious and Surprising by Roger Gutt. I like that book title. It sounds like a lyric from a musical.

Dorset. Curious and surprising. Yeah, it does, yeah. According to this, Harry Pay, and actually many other sources, but this is my primary resource for this, Harry Pay was a 14th to 15th century pirate or a knight who scours the seas as a corsair with many ships plundering all the Spanish and French vessels that he can encounter. According to a Spanish strife, because he was very famous in Spain for going on sort of violent holidays. He would go along the coast, Robin Towns, and he was in fact known by the Spanish as Aripe, A-R-R-I-P-A-Y. Oh, I see.

Don't Google it because you will be led to a, as far as my internet browser tells me, questionable money website. Right. Okay. All right. No, we don't want that.

Whenever I go to click on the link, it doesn't take me there. It takes me to a warning page. It's one of them. Hey, it may be legit. Maybe a problem with my browser. I don't know.

Yes, that happens all the time. And I don't know. I feel like I should complain. I don't like to be nannied, but I actually like the commuter going, you don't want to say this. You're all right, mate.

You're all right. Look, just have a little look at this gray screen. and just go back. They, you don't need to hang out with these kids. You don't know, they're not trustworthy. He was also known as Hazer. Hazer?

Yeah, which is a really good... You know, I think the Spanish probably have quite a similar attitude towards British people on holiday today who have nicknames like that. I think it hasn't changed as much as we might imagine. For somebody who died in 1419... Yeah, that's incredible. Yeah, we've got Hazer, also known as Hazer Page or Aripe, to the Spanish.

It also says he was the most implacable of enemies of the French as well. So he basically just went robin the town pirating around. So he wasn't a privateer then? He wasn't sort of tacitly licensed by Britain. Not first of all. Okay, not at first. He was an amateur and he worked his way up to the rank of privateer. Exactly.

He did it first of all for the exposure. And then he did some evidently some, from an English, as it says here, he did some corporate work for England because he suppressed a Welsh revolt. I don't endorse that. We were all only a good laugh when he was brutalising the people of France and Spain, but the Welsh, what have they done to deserve the kiss of his cold steel? Exactly.

This work was encouraged by the King and Government, and he was, it says he was charged with piracy after seizing a cargo of wine from the French, but within a year was officially authorized to fit out privateers for the specific purpose of harassing the French. Is it a crime? Oh, you accuse me of piracy merely for stealing wine from a French boat? Like, yes. Because that is what that is. That is a crime.

Or stealing from a boat? That is piracy. Give me a minute. Actually, you know what? Carry on, mate. Oh, they were French, you say. Hmm, hold on a minute. Let's not be too hasty.

So he was born in Poole, at the corner of Carter's Lane and Hill Street. His name appears in official documents, usually as the result of complaints from foreign shores. Yeah, so he was known as Aripe, a Spanish chronicler, wrote, this Aripe came often upon the coast of Castile and carried away many ships and vessels, and he scoured the channel by Flanders so powerfully

that no vessel could pass that way without being taken. This Aripe burnt Gijon and finished Finister pronunciation, Shakespeare's own. Finisterra, I think. Sure. Carried off the crucifix from Santa Maria de Finister era, which was famous for being the holiest in these parts. Much more damage Aripe did in Castile,

taking many prizes and extracting ransoms. You're not mispronancing Castile there, are you? Yes. Okay. Just checking. Although other armoured ships came from England in like manner, he it was who came most often. So he was a notorious.

This one guy was notorious around France and Spain. And he didn't pay. It was the opposite, really. Yes, exactly. Ari wrong. They should have, yeah. Harry take. Harry Knicks a bit.

I think the Welsh Revolt thing, just to sort of muddy the waters, the way he helped to quell the Welsh Revolt. was he defeated a French fleet that had been sent to aid a Welsh revolt. Okay, so he did focus his ire on the French, not the Welsh. Yeah, he did a break from his M.O.

Or, as the French might say, emmo. Because as a pirate, it would be very difficult to quell a revolt if it was landbound. Yes. You'd have to be like, do any of you want to get in the water? Because everyone want a revolt near this pond. No, we're just revolting on land here, to be honest, with you. We don't really have any reason to get in the water there.

Apparently, the people of Poole did refund Finisterra with a wooden crucifix. Oh, just a plain wooden crucifix. When was it? In like 20-something. What, this century? Yeah, like really recently. Well, it's not going to be nearly as holy as the one that was taken.

No, I think it was probably a gold one. I don't think you just did it for the... I don't think you did it because he liked the shape. I've just realised that I've been picturing, I know he's a pirate, I should have been picturing him piratically, but I've been picturing Michael Kane as Harry Palmer, you know, from the Ipricus file.

With big thick glasses? West of 90's glasses, yeah. I'm Harry Pay. I've come for your crucifix, people of Finaster. And that is how Michael Kane would pronounce that, so that's accurate. Yeah. You don't give a line reading to Kane.

If you're going to revolt, do it near the pond. I'll burn down gauge on. You're only supposed to blow the bloody gauge on off. Have you seen, sidebar, but have you seen Stuart Laws as Michael Kane being directed saying never? Yes. Yes, I love it. Look it up if you haven't seen that listener. Comic Stuart Laws.

He's done it live numerous times. it's Michael Kane in whichever one of those Batman films it is. Is it a Batman's? One of the Batman. Yeah, one of the Batman. Saying, never. That's it. That's the premise. You'll enjoy it.

It's really very good. Have you seen SNL one about the directing of that pork advert from the 80s? Yes, beautiful. Yes, I'm glad to see a friend of the show, Cantrell, cropping up. Stephen of the show. The fiend of the show. And how he will look in the future.

Yeah, with a fantastic bald headwig. What a paint. Right. Unless that was just the stress of writing the show. It may be that that's what he looked like by week six. Yeah, it turned him into a 1980s man, normal man. So, yeah, Ari Pei, Harry Pay, from Paul in Dorset. He says he, he was one of the captains of an English fleet

that burnt 40 towns and villages in Normandy in 1405. Oh, dear. Back in 1402, he'd boarded the Marie from Bilbao off the Isle, and seized, I quote, a glittering cargo of gold, silver, and expensive clothes. They'd set adrift any of the crew that were left alive and just sort of pushed them towards the French coast. His ruthlessness, though, had repercussions. I hope so, because he sounds awful.

He sounds like Michael Kane and Get Carter. I've not seen, to be honest, I haven't seen that many Michael Kane films. You haven't seen Get Carter? Well, claim to fame. Yeah. The only film set in the place I grew up. Well, it's not set there, but there's the only film ever filmed. You grew up in that car park?

Yeah, I grew up on a beach where a body is dumped out. Oh, no. No, there is a mansion. I think it's now been knocked down. But in the village I grew up in, there was a very unattractive mid-century building, like a house of a rich guy in the village. And it's one of the locations from Get Carter. I think it's got a swimming pool.

So it's completely unlike all the other buildings around it. And it's got one great joke, Get Carter. Yeah. When he answers the door naked with a shotgun and they say, put it away, you're not going to use it. And clarify it. He's talking about the gun. It's just really... Because it's one of those films with no jokes

and then he's got one really good joke and everyone falls about laughing and then it goes back to being a really grim film about the price of living a violent life. But he makes no effort to do a Jordie accent in spite of being from Newcastle. I'm finally back in Newcastle.

I'm backing my own tan. That's if Keir Stama played him. Or as I call it, Tune. Howie the lads? My favourite entertainers. This has gone to Harry H. Corbett doing Kier-Sterma. Her mutters pop into her greggs. Anyway, anyway, so the repercussions, presumably this are some of the...

I haven't got a month date for this, but also in 1405, I'm assuming from context, after this English fleet has burnt 40 towns and villages in Normandy. I didn't think they had 40 towns in Normandy in those days. I mean, they didn't. Don't look for them now because they're not there. They had had that many. Wow. In 1405, a squadron of five Spanish galleys and two smaller French ships singled out pays

pays hometown pool for special treatment during a mission to harass England's south coast. There was a load of, and they brought a load of crossbow men, which is, People who fired the weapon, the crossbow, pedants. Yeah. Yes. But they were also angry. That is the whole point of the mission. They were cross, crossbow men.

Okay. So it's a case of you burn our cities, we'll attack your hometown, even though you're not there. Probably not there. I think he is there. Oh, he is there? Oh, right. No, maybe he isn't. No, I don't think he is.

Well, they certainly can't have known he was. No, he was away on pirate business. It says, he was away on pirate business. He's got his out of office on his emails. His home was one of the few houses to escape the raging fire that ensued. Seems doubly unfair. His brother did die in that.

Yeah. Do we know his brother? Do we know his brother's name? Harry Pay. Harry Pay's brother. Wayne Pay? Will pay? Will, that's good.

May pay, that'll be a sister. That's about it. Those are the only brother. Yeah, only possible puns, yeah. Only possible puns. No, I've got loads of puns on base on names. Sure, don't worry about it, but not that name. So, yeah, the flotilla entered Pool Harbour,

and this is according to the Spanish account of the raid, and discovered that the town was, weirdly, though, it's written in Michael Kane's voice. Oh. It said it was not walled, and there was a fine tower with a Coppola. and a capola is a little thing on top of a church tower. It's a dome, I thought.

Yes, it's a small dome. I would have pronounced it cupular, but... Yeah, well, you're not Keistama. Hold on. I don't even know. I'm not correcting you. I don't know how it's pronounced. Capola.

Kapala. No, I think... I don't know where I'm getting Yula from. Koppola. It's a cupola. It's got a couple of tops on it. It actually is... Cupola. I think it's Cupola.

Yeah, all right. No, no, that's not what I said, James. I was wrong. Sadly, Harry H. Corbett, as Keir Stama, as Michael Cain, didn't have access to YouTube in order to find out Cupola. Cupola. Cupular. Cupula. It's that guy who Mario meets at the end of the level. Yes. Yes, King Cupula. I think if you go with Cupola, I don't think anybody.

can touch you for that. That's all the letters in the right order. Ignore me. Ignore me and also ignore Harry H. Corbett as Kirstama as Michael came. So there was a bit of a, there was a bit of a contretempe as a French redabbit between the French commander and the Spanish commander. Wow. After all that fuss about Koupler, he just goes straight into contratom.

Contra-Tomb. Contra-Tomp. Do you think that is one of them words that is we pretend French when it's not? not is just an English thing that we don't want to say so we pretend it's French. I wonder. Because Dubloentondre, I don't, unless it is the classic French person not understanding my pronunciation, I don't think French people know what Dubloinand means. Like, it's not a thing.

So they just say a rude thing directly? They just be rude. French sitcoms are all just people directly referencing sexual organs the whole time. I mean, have you seen any French comedy? But also, yeah, so maybe Cont-O-T-T-T-T is like, we're going to pretend it's just a French thing because we don't want to admit that we sometimes have arguments. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the French disease. Have I said before on here about RSVP? I don't know. Respond de Cuv-P is like, I bet that isn't French. No, I bet no. No one knows in France what that means. It is just something. Do you mean the abbreviation?

I'm sure a French person would understand respondeves to the play. They don't understand the noises. That is French, right? But they don't use it. If you said that to a French person, but having said that, if you said that to a French person as an English person, they would act as if they couldn't understand it. No, absolutely. They would be silent, in fact. They would not respond it.

No matter how politely you asked. But I hold that that is not a French saying or phrase. It's an English way of saying something awkward, but just pretending it's French. Because it's like, oh, yeah, that's the sort of thing of French person. French person would ask you to reply if you were coming to this party. Like maybe in France they just say like, no worries if not. I was going to say maybe we could export no worries if not to France. Sure.

Yeah. N-W-I-K. Yeah. Maybe they do already. No, no worries if not with an N. No, I thought it was... Oh, I thought it was a bit of tied-up rope. I haven't got that wrong.

I haven't got that wrong. That's fine, no. I was giving you a chance to re-record that correctly, but I prefer your defence. I think you'll find a phrase is... It's a seafaring thing. And it is about tying up ropes. Yes, because it would be a problem on a ship if there were no knots, wouldn't it?

Yes, exactly. Because everything would be loose. So it's no worries if not. Yeah. But if not, buddy, we got ourselves a problem. Mm-hmm. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is the French commander and the Spanish commander fell out. Do you want to know the Spanish commander's name?

Yes, please. Is Don Peronino. Very nice. Don Peronino. Don Peronino. Don Peronido. Played by Harry H. Corby. Charming.

In a second role. Harry H. Corbett playing Robert De Niro. Don Peronino. Are you talking to me? There's nobody else here. I have nipples. Can you milk me? Does De Niro say that?

That's not in taxi driver. No, okay. All right. meet the fuckers. Is it? Is it? Right. Yes. So, yeah, the Spanish leader, he's more furious. He's got more boats involved. He sends

in a raiding party with orders to set fire to the houses, but not to burden themselves with plunder. So it's just pure... We're not here to plunderlands. We're just here. It's a burn job. Yeah. So the dawn attack, which was led by Piero Nino's cousin,

Fernando Nero, took pull by surprised, and it took a little while for the townsfolk to organise their archers, and they took the doors off their houses to use them as shields from the crossbow bolts, and they put up a decent defence. Well, you're trying to remove a door. I can't tell you how long it would take me to get a door off its hinges. Are you being attacked by a crossbow?

While being shot with a crossbow. I don't think I could do it in ideal circumstances quickly, never mind while being crossbowed. I would assume you'd start with the back door if they're coming in the front. Maybe this is why they didn't get their archers organized quickly, because they all took their front doors off instead of getting their arches organized. Well, they won in the end because they, the Spaniards, protected by their armour,

were fledged with arrows fired by the pool longbow men, and the showers of arrows raining down on them were so thick that the cross-cross-bow men were unable to stoop to draw their bows. without getting an arrow in the back of the neck. Yes, exactly. And they brought in reinforcements led by Don Peronino. And they cried Santiago, Santiago, which is St. James, who is, ironically, also the patron saint of Poole as well as Spain. Ah.

So the Spaniards were crying out to Santiago, not realizing that they were on St. James' home turf. And they've eventually beat back the attack. And when Pay returned to the town and heard of his brother's demise, this is according to Haunted Bull, he swore vengeance. And he sailed to France with a fleet of just 15 ships and carried over and captured over 100 French vessels and brought them back to the men of Poole for defending the town. And it said that the locals were drunk for a month after we came back with that.

I don't know if it's revenge if you started. Is it revenge? I think I need to watch the film Get Carter to get some sort of idea of it. It's a good film. It's very bleak. Yes, it looks bleak. It's bleak. I've told you the highlight of the film, which is a joke about his Willie.

The one Willie joke. The one Willie joke. That's it, yeah. So Dorset, curious and surprising, has a different, or has a slightly more detailed version of the events that led to that French payload. So pay ends up getting captured. A ship is bordered by crewman from a Normandy Manor War in 1406.

He's forced to surrender and tied up. And the captors removed their protective helmets, gauntlets and armour and went below decks to assess the cargo, leaving two guards on the English pirates. And the English pirates pretend to make, their final confessions to each other, but they use this conversation to plan their escape. Very clever. So they got the French guards around them, and I would posit that in order to not be

understood by these French folks, they should speak French. Yes. So the French will understand that they'll be forced on principle to pretend not to have understood. Exactly. Yeah. Play them at their own game. What are the prisoners up to? Who?

I don't know. Looking for the discotheque, I'm guessing. Ali al-a-picine. So, yeah, anyway, they overpower the guards and seize their weapons. And rather than... They're not restrained in any way. I don't know. Because I just, in terms of plans,

overpowering the guards and seizing their weapons seems very root one. Of course, that's what you want to do, but how the how is the big thing when you're captured. Maybe they undid their... they undid the knots in French. I don't know. Maybe it was a case of no worries, if not, not. Oh, yes.

Very nice. But rather than simply looting that French ship and then scuttling it and going home, what Harry Pei did, Aripe, he took over the ship, dressed up as the French captain, sailed under the French flag, with his own vessel behind,

like he'd captured it, sails up the river, saying posing as a Frenchman, returning home. There was another English ship that he persuaded to join them. He was returning on right into the guy's house with his wife.

Bonjour, Montreal. Yeah, it's, Sava. Who is the boulogé? Not a mal. Voila, la Petit de Janeiro. He thinks he'd have spotted something. But, yeah, basically,

they get up there, They get up the river and there are loads of ships there and they go on a looting spree and setting things on fire spree. And then they get back home and the pool thing and everyone's drunk for a month. So that's how we did it. He did the old dress. Escape through. He ends up serving in Thomas Barclays or Berkeley Squadron for keeping the sea against pirates. That's ironic considering he was a pirate.

Yeah, he became, it's the old poacher becomes the gamekeeper. And how did he die at sea? Did he die on land? I don't know how he died, but he did die. I was looking forward to saying RIP, REP, REP. He died on the 25th of March 1419. I've confused him with General Long P or whatever his name was. No, it's, it's Aripe.

Adip. Aripe. RIP, A repay. Yeah, it works. Yeah, it does. He's buried in Favisham, Kent, because... Favisham! Favisham!

He had a brass effigy. I don't know what the joke is, but it sounds rude. A brass effigy? He had a brass effigy. It sounds rude, James. It sounds... French people having no idea what a double entendre is will not appreciate how rude he had a brass effigy.

It does sound rude, actually. I'd never realise, especially because that is... It's not called... that they encouraged schoolchildren to rub them. His doctor gave him a brass effigy. He's never been the same since. Yeah, he was, he had a brass effigy, but it was, it's apparent,

don't look for it, it's mostly been torn away. You can still see like the very top of the bottom. Yeah, in this economy, we're not living brass effigies lying around. Alistair, this sounds pretty unspooky, right? I was going to say, he didn't, if he didn't die, how can he have haunted anywhere? Well, he did die. He did die.

Oh, okay. Although it would be quite supernatural for him not to have died. In Haunted Pool by Julie Howard, it believes that when Paul is threatened in any way, Harry pays ghostly galleon the Mary guards the entrance from attack. And they still have, to this day, have a Harry Pay Day. Really? In June.

Well, first of all, that's outrageous. But secondly, I mean, the one thing that he didn't do was protect Paul from attack. So that's ridiculous that his ghost would do that. Yeah. Or his ghostly ship, the Mary. The Mary. Yeah.

So there you go. The story of Aripei. The pool. There you go. The story of every pay. Yeah, great. Horrible, horrible man. A story of Aripe, the pool pirate.

You ready to score him? I'm ready to score. I could score. I could score. What about your listener? Could you score? Could we take a score? First up, naming.

Mm-hmm. Like the cows this size? Just took a big mouthful of tea. So I had to make that noise, or I would have sprayed tea over the microphone. Is that why cows make that noise? Yeah, yeah, they've just had a mouthful of grass, I assume. Yeah, probably. That's what they tend to eat.

Mm-hmm. Does milk taste different if you feed cows different things? Yeah. there's a real problem if a cow eats that wild garlic. Oh, it makes the milk taste or garlicky.

Yeah. Mmm. I'm a vegan. The cow's back. Uh-oh. Serves you right. Maybe cows just love the taste of grass. They don't need seven stomachs. Like,

they've just got there because they love grass. Because they insist on eating grass. Because that's why they make that noise. They're like, Yes. Yeah, anyway. Good to know. Yeah.

Well, Harry Pay. Harry Pay. Harry Pay. Two names. Don't Google it. It's potentially a dodgy website. It's dubious. We had the Reverend Longwang.

What was his name? No, Long's P. Long's P. Longs P. La Poul being the other name for Poole. How's that spelled? L-A space, P-O-L-E. Right, La P-Pol.

So French. Way. Where? And they translated it into English. They just called it Poole. Poole. Pool. Paul.

Paul. Lovely. Which sounds like the Kirstama, Harry H. Corbett, trying to speak to someone called Paul. Yeah, pole. Pole. Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Oh. And. some of the other French place names. Yes.

And Spanish ones? Yeah, were any of those good? Uh, they were well pronounced. Oh, yes, Finister. Um, Castile. Finisterre. Castile. Castile.

It's a cast aisle bedspread. Not bedspread. Bedhead. You don't want a cast iron bedspread. You don't want a cast iron bedspread. If someone's trying to say that. Wouldn't you mean it's very cozy? It's the ultimate weighted blanket.

Yeah, but you try to put a duvet cover on a cast iron bedspread. You've got to start the corners. You have to invert something. Something has to be inside out by the end or start. But by halfway down, you're just making that noise like thunder in a play. Metallurgists listening going, Alastair, cast iron is not flexible like that. I know.

I know it's not. But you have to give me some allowance. Some license for comedy, please. Please, metallurgists. Come on, stop ruining jokes. You ironmongers, get a sense to humor. Right, so names. Yeah, names.

Yeah, I think it's, um, uh, AdiPay is very good, and so is. Gaza, his nickname, Howl. His nickname, Hazer, yeah. And of course, Wayne Linneker. I think that's all in bonus. Oh, well, the listener will never know why we'll be talking about Wayne Linneca. Oh, there's a way to find out. Yeah, it's a four.

It's a four. Mm-hmm. All right then. Okay, that's pretty good. The second category is, sadly, for me, supernatural. So his ghost protects. His ghost ship protects pool? Has anyone ever seen that?

Yeah, it's not even necessarily him. Any photographs of that happen? I'd accept an etching of that happening? No, there's a photo of in Haunted Pool, Julie Harwood, there is a photo of an old-looking boat and it says if Paul Town has ever threatened, you may see Harry Pais' Ghostly Galley and the Mary, protecting the harbour as a...

But it doesn't say pictured right. That's just an illustrative ship. That could be any ship. And I would guess this ship is not from the 1400s. There's way too much ropes on it. Right, yeah. ship guys know what we're talking about here there's just way too much ropes

on that vessel and there's that little lane St Clement's Lane I'd like to see a picture of it taken on the Game Boy camera I think that perhaps would be the spooky way to photograph a ghost There was the whispering of the bargaining

Yes the ghost of a bargainer Long's P's ghost That's just quite a rubbish haunting I have to say Yeah that isn't great yeah Well it's got to be It's got to be a two then. Two supernatural occurrences, one of which obviously didn't happen and the other of which is rubbish. Fair enough.

Okay. One of which is just sort of in case Paul is, we haven't, it's just says that if Paul does get threatened. Mm, break glass for ghost. Yeah. Okay. Third category is you are only supposed to rob the bloody cross off. Okay. Yes.

because he stole the crucifix. He stole the crucifix. He stole crucifixes. He stole wine. He stole salt. He stole expensive clothes. These are mostly things you would find in a restaurant. Exactly.

In an Osbourne Puzzle Adventure, these would be the things that you would have to work out something to do a clue that was really, really actually difficult. Yeah, realize that the crime must have occurred in a French restaurant. I always got stuck on them. The Osborne Puzzle Adventures? Yeah, there was always one that you just couldn't really work out. On the basic ones or the advanced ones.

Well, there was advanced ones. Yeah, the ones aimed at older readers. I never read those. I'm thinking of getting them. What do you mean, are older readers? They're still, I've gone from my kids and I still can't do them. Escape from Blood Castle. I'm still there.

I'm still in Blood Castle. He's in the castle, listener. Help him. I'm stuck in Blood Castle. They're a grown-up ones. Not grown up, but, you know, just ones for like teenagers to be a bit more challenging. These aren't for... Okay.

The intergalactic bus trip is aimed at kids. I'm sorry, are you struggling at the bit where you have to spot the difference between two drawings of a man and on one of them he has six fingers? Okay, I might be able to escape from Bloodcastle. Yep. Breaking news. He went too, he went to... It's too much, Harry. It is. It is too much.

You've brought, you brought, not shame, but you brought French and Spanish warships to your own hometown. Exactly. You've been that prolific a robber. Robber. No, he went too far. Yeah. So for the category of you're only supposed to rob the blooming seaside towns off? Yes.

I'm kind of annoyed on behalf of the people who had their crucifix replaced with a plain cross, because it was. It would have been a Catholic crucifix with a carved Jesus on it. And for that to be replaced in the modern day with two bits of two by four, that's rubbish. Well, it's still an outstanding crime in my eyes and it's five out of five. It might be stone, but it's still not as good. Oh, no, English Oak. English Oak. It was presented in 2008.

Does it have a carved Jesus on it? Oh, it was presented by the Pirates of Paul. I'm looking at pictures of people in stripy tops with tricorn hats in 2008 and a bemused-looking Spanish vicar. I'm not sure if he's smiling or if he's just got the sun in his eyes. And the vicar's like, and the murders? Anyway, so yeah, what was it, five? It's a five, yeah. I don't know quite why.

I feel like you've robbed me, but you plundered that five. and you've got it now. It's too late. I'll give you a paper five in 600 years. In a hundred years time. And finally, the category, crime does pay. Yeah, because it did. No, come up and so tall for this guy.

No. And yes, he did do crimes. So it's true that pay does crimes and crimes does pays. Pay does crimes. Pay does crimes. Yep. I mean, could it be more of a good category? I'm not going to put the bit in the bonus where you come up with that category

and tell me to do it and explain why it's good. I thought you were just saying that in the voice of Chandler Bing for some reason. Yeah, I'm a really good lesson. Could it be any better a category? Is that if Michael Kane playing Chandler Bing? It's Kirstama, Harry H. Corby, Michael Kane, reading a script from a friend's episode. So that never got made.

You laugh was kind to be this way. Your job's a joke, you're broke. Your love laugh is dead on arrival. It's like you're always stuck in second gear. So crime does pay? Yeah, it does. Five out of five. I'm not happy about it.

But when you look out there, James. Facts don't lie. Yeah. When you read the newspaper of a morning. Convicted criminal. Not to put too fine a point on it. But yes, a little bit of satire there from the... Law Boys.

He did. He was found guilty of a crime. He did crimes. And I heard he's got a brass effigy, if you know what I mean. That's a great story, but the name the pool pirate does make it sound like he's sort of floating around on a Lilo, taking people's cocktails. Yeah, listeners would have expected more pool noodles. Hey, there was a wealth, a wealth of nonsense that you edited out of this one, James.

Yeah, there was a bit of Wayne Linneker chat. A little bit of chat about Wayne Linneker. You'll find if you go to patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod, you can access that and also access the lawfork Discord. You can meet like-minded law folk. And thank you very much to everyone already does do that. And Alistair, you're going to be on tour like next week, potentially.

Mid-September, 2026. Where are you going to be? I think I'm going to need to do a record scratch for this bit. Scratch it. Irrit. Oh, so many places. Please pause while I look.

Oh, everywhere. Carlisle. Carlisle. The island of car. Clark. The island. Telford. Edinburgh, Aberdeen, Stirling.

The Gateway to the Highlands. Newbury. Basing, Storke. Kingston upon Hall Oh Not one of the other two Famous Kingston's

Otley Courthouse No that's the venue Otley Southport New Milton There's a New Milton Paterborough Peterstown

Bath or Bath Winchester Oh You could win Chester Yeah It's a prize draw Yeah Maidenhead

Southampton Shelton and Nottingham and that's it Is, do you think there is an Ingham that they had to be like, no, we're Nottingham There you go, you got your opening joke for the town Very good, no worries if Nottingham

Do you know the way When he did Muppet's Christmas Carol famously Michael Kane There's a quote where he says something like I will never do anything Muppetty Right. Do you think he says that for every film? Even when there are Muppets and nobody's asked.

Just one thing. Just one thing, Christopher Dalland. I will never do anything Muppity. Well, you see that long? That's fine. That's fine for this film.