Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep39 - The Haunted Ruins of Woodchester Mansion

Episode Date: October 22, 2026

In the depths of Gloucestershire there lived a man, nay, a visionary! This man dared to dream that his egg-intolerant wife could enjoy a sweet dollop of custard on her pudding and he made that dream a reality. That man is not the main subject of this episode. But let's hear it for experimental chemist Alfred Bird. Just like Mrs. Bird was haunted (ironically) by eggs, the unfinished Woodchester Mansion is positively riddled with ghosts. At least, according to its own website and some ghost hunting groups... Get tickets to Alasdair on tour - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Immediately!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. I'm Alistair. And Alistair. I'm going to take you to the wonderfully named Nymphsfield. Yes, Nymphsfield and the unfinished Woodchester Mansion. And it's ghosts. And it's many, many ghosts.

And there's ghosts. Oh, so many. Alistair. James. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you. Alistair, how are you, first of all?

I'm very well. Is this an intervention? Are we about to discuss issues that have come up in the podcast? Absolutely not. I'm about to say the word nymphsfield. Nymphsfield. Nymphs field. Let's go.

N-Y-M-P-S-F-E-L-D. I'm under one of a dung-d reason frolic around in NIMPS field. NIMPS field. Field. It's in Gloucestershire. It's in Gloucester, sure. Gloucestershire. What do you need to know about Nymphsfield? Well, there's a bunch of ghosts coming up and a mystery and a mystery solved. Don't worry, spook fans. In the meantime, one of the most famous things about Nymphsfield is it's the home of the inventor of birds custard. Wow. I mean, what a sentence. I'm glad you added custard, otherwise it would have raised so many questions. Even Cussert. Alfred Bird. Alfred Bird.

Who is, as it lists on his Wikipedia, a qualified chemist and druggist. And human. Yeah, that is unqualified. Like the term drugist. Yeah, we don't say drugists anymore. Does sound seedy. But he, aside from the chemistry and the druggery,

he invented instant custard. He's bird of birds custard. Before instant custard, it was a laborious. process involving eggs, I assume. Yes. It would take weeks. You'd have to hang it up in the loft for a while, like everything else. But now with instant custard, it's just hot water.

You probably have to coddle these blooming eggs. You'd probably have to coddle the eggs. These woke eggs. Not like when I... You know, when I was a kid, when I was a kid, the eggs would drink water out of this hose. And the eggs you went to come home because the street lights would come on. Yeah, you need trigger warnings now for eggs.

Yeah, these blooming coddled eggs. Well, just want to quickly sidebar. He also invented baking powder, and it was originally called Birds Fermenting Powder, which is a vague and misleading name. He invented baking powder. That's bicarbonate of soda and something else. It's bicarbonate of soda, basically cut with something to make it a little,

as far as I understand. One knows what the other thing is. Well, he did. He opened a shop in Birmingham called Alfred Bird, experimental chemist. Wow. He was bad at names. Yeah, let's just pick up some things for the kids. Because the point of birds custard.

The experimental chemist shop. The point of bird's custard was his wife was allergic to eggs. Right, yes. So prior to this, it mostly had eggs in and was disgusting. Standard custard is kind of, yeah, it's like a sweet, thin omelet. Yeah, well, it's their revolt. I remember making one in primary school, having only ever had instant custard, and it's just being revolted by the whole thing.

So this is what you were eating in the war, miss. Ugh. Oh, they weren't because they didn't have any eggs. But you know what I mean? As soon as the war finished, it was nonstop egg custard, revolting. Horrible. I can't believe that was food. Egg-free one.

It's basically just some dusts. The egg-free one, it's a yellow liquid that you pour on a cake. It's perfect. Yeah, he invented because his wife was allergic to eggs, but she loved a pudding, I guess. And he would give her that. Very relatable. One day, it was only intended for his wife,

but one day, either by accident or design. That custoders only intended to my wife. He gave it to his guests, and basically they either didn't notice or thought it tasted better. I'm with them. Alistair, he's bad at names. Yeah. Because he's tried to make an egg-free custard,

and he's called it Bird's Custard. That's the most egg-related animal in front of the lizard. Yeah, it also sounds kind of like a euphemism for bird poo. Oh, yes. It's actually good luck to get a bit of bird custard on you. Yeah. Maybe his wife was a bird. I don't know.

Maybe she wasn't allergic. She just didn't like the idea of eating eggs because she was a bird. She was a bird. Or he was her bird. And that's why she was attracted to Mr. Bird due to a misunderstanding. Yeah, love birds. They might have been called. I like these two.

I guess Americans maybe don't know that we do call pharmacists, chemists here. So experimental chemist is not as weird a name because the shot would otherwise be called chemists. Yeah, but don't call it an experiment. I want facts. I don't want to be doing my own research or having them do their own research on me. All right, Janji, if you want to just accept the mainstream media view. Paracetamol, yes, thanks.

I don't want some backstreet, cauldron concocted paracetamol. I want it to have had tests on it before me. But anyway, Alfred Bird's son, who was also a bird, but also a human, um, invented another egg substitute powder, which I get, you know,

for like cakes and stuff. Yeah. I mean, James, I'm a vegan. I know, I know egg substitute powder. Broadly,

these guys seem well vegan in, you know, they're, because you can have birds custard, right? I, I assume so if it doesn't have eggs. Does it have milk in?

Probably, probably, you can make it with, but you can make it with, like, a substitute. Can you? So it doesn't have milk powder in it? No, no, it's some powders.

You add sugar and a milk or milk substitute. Wow, it feels like I'm adding quite a lot of the stuff to this instant custard. Yeah. He's just taking out the eggs. They also, his son also invented Blamonge. Invented Blamonge? Invented Blamange. When is this?

The past. But which, which, which, which, which, which, which, you know. area of the past? 1800s. How can Blamge be from Birmingham? Blamange? I think it's the Blamange powder, instant Blamge. Instant Blamge, I see.

Because they have had Blamge in some forms since like Henry the 8th and that. James, it's only Blamange if it comes from the Blamge region of France. Oh, I'm sorry. Blamge obviously being French for white mange. Yum. Yum. Blomge, please. But yeah, he also made jelly powder. These guys have really, I mean, as far as horrible desserts go,

these guys have cornered the market. They really wanted to cut the corners. In cheap, horrible, quick desserts. Yeah. They didn't do Angels Light as well, did they? Don't think so, which is not made of angels, presumably. It's made because someone was allergic to halos.

But, Alistair, this is Nymphsfield, also near to Hetty Peggler's Tump. Hetty Pegler's Tump. Hetty Peggler's Tomp. HPT, also known as the Nymphsfield Long Barrow. Nymphsfield Long Barrow. Another Long Barrow. You're on a Long Barrow. New Yorker days, James.

While I'm on tour and not researching any stories. We're just going from Long Barrow to Long Barrow. It's beautiful. It's from 280B.E, which is the early third century BCE. I didn't get to the bottom of that math's thing. so I'm going to say it like that. So what's the date again? 2008-B-C.E.

is the early third millennium rather than century. Early third millennium BC. Right. Yeah. Yep, yeah, yep. Yeah. I think people by this point in the podcast know that we are confused by that.

Good, good. In which they found a number of bodies because it was excavated. It was actually, it's the, the, what's it called? English. Oh, bum. What are the two fused,

feuding houses that deal with Old Hout? National Trust and English Heritage. According to the English Heritage website, according to the National Trust website, I can't remember which one, so I'm saying both, I don't want to get in trouble. It had suffered from vandalism

and casual excavation. Casual excavation. Yeah. How rude. Wow. That was luci. archaeologists. Yeah.

But they did find 23 bodies in there and something called hematite which was possibly used as a face paint to make the dead appear alive. Well that's a mineral

hematite. It's a type of flint. It's got a lot of iron in it I think. Yeah. And you can... It's blood coloured. And you can use it as a

sort of a, you know... Does it make a red dye? It makes kind of a red dye that people would put on their faces. And according to this old paper, it would appear, therefore, that there is some evidence of the recurrence throughout prehistoric times of a desire for the dead to appear as living people with colour on their cheeks. Oh, I see. So a little bit of rouge for the corpse. Yes, exactly. And Dr. John Thurnum did the majority of the excavation. I was called Hetty Pegler, because that was the

name of the person that owned the land in like 1700s or something. So Hetty Pegler's real. Hetty Pegler's real. Hetty Pegler isn't a character in folklore, isn't a fictitious character? No, it's just a farmer. Wow. But yeah, so Dr. John Thurman, Thurham, in 1854, carried out extensive repairs to it,

also in 1871 and 1906. It's a doer up a stump. Yeah, yeah. Got a lot of potential this tum. It's technically, Alice. a transepted gallery grave. And that's the type of long barrow where you just go straight in,

there's no lobby. Straight in off the street. Boom, boom, bodies right there. Coming at you, looking as if twere alive. But that's not even the spookiest thing. The spookiest thing is Woodchester Mansion, which is an unfinished Victorian mansion. And I've got some information here from,

oh, mystery. Gloucestershire by Mark Turner. I want to get close to you, Gloucestershire. Yes. So there was a house there that was then and grounds Woodchester Park and that was bought by William Lee in 1845. Will Lee? Will Lee?

He's batting that by? Yep. Okay. Well, because he engaged the local architect, Benjamin Bucknell, Benny Bucknell. So, yeah, the building work began in 1854, and it was doing well for four or five years. However, in 1870, work suddenly stopped. And it says the builders down tools and walked out, leaving scaffolding in position,

and ladders propped against walls. So the whole exterior... Like a landbound Mary Celeste. Kind of, but if Mary Celeste was just the exterior and then just a big gap in some... It's not really like the Mary Celeste's at all. No. It's more like an unfinished building is what I would call it. Yeah, but it looks really, it looks from the outside really good.

But once you get into it, it's not finished. That would be good for movies because you could just part of the cars inside. I think they do film some stuff. I think they feel part of Series 2 of the Crown there and a bunch of ghost her. hunting type programs because there's meant to be a bunch of ghosts there. If you go to their website, it lists them handily,

but with zero explanation, so I'm going to read them as writ, and then we can talk about the way after. So the list of ghosts. One, a young girl, a young woman, a short man, maybe a stone mason, a man attempting to hide, a man searching for someone,

an American airman, a floating head, or horseman on the drive. Now, got a couple of points instantly. First up, yep, yep, yeah, a few things do leap out there. Go ahead. And end on the floating head. Everything else is a footnote, really, isn't it?

And I like that they've let us make the link between the man attempting to hide and the man searching for someone. Yep, that's classy. Yeah, that's what I noticed. Yeah, it feels like there's a story there. I also appreciate the pedantry of a man attempting to hide. But yeah, because if we were good at it, we wouldn't have seen him. Exactly right, ghost or not. That's the spookiest kind of a ghost.

A ghost that is so good at hiding, you never see it. They were there all along. Yeah. They're there right now. So going back to Mysterious Gloucestershire, I think we can fill in some of the gaps that the website leaves. Basically, the website just says, there's a bunch there.

It will scare the people that like paranormal and it will intrigue those that are scaredy cats, in essence, it says. Well, it sounds to me like the writer of that article left that unfinished and just down tools without filling in the details and just walked off. You know what? The website is pretty sparse. But as Mark describes in Osterosier, it's a strangely lifeless mansion with carvings and gargoyles

depicting mythical creatures and pagan images. And people well think it's haunted. It was used as a... But nobody ever lived there, so how could it be haunted? Well, there's a few things. It was used as a, like a billet for American and Canadian forces during Sekuel War. Okay, so that explains the American... That explains the American element.

And we'll get a little bit more information on that later. So there's the big park, which has some of the ghostly activity. It's got five lakes. And on one of those lakes, there's a coffin that floats on the surface. Occasionally, a spooky coffin appears. Ghost coffin? A ghost coffin. Wow.

It said to hold the body of someone from King Stanley. And I think they took their own life. And then so they were a set to drift on the water. Wow. A floating coffin is a good, strong Melvillian image. That's very spooky and. and Gothic. There's meant to be a Roman Centurion.

This is General Park Ghost. Roman Centurion, it says here a scruffy short person. That could be our stone mason? That could be the stone mason. And then maybe that's why they stopped building the house because the scruffy guy died. She was too scruffy? Maybe.

There's a Dominican monk who died by drowning after falling through ice on the lake. Dominican monk. What does that mean? Dominican. Dominican. I think Dominican is a type of monk. No.

I don't know that. Sorry. No. Yeah. I, because there's Franciscan and Dominican. And people always mention it like anyone knows what that means. Yeah.

No, I did know that. But for some reason I was just thinking of. Benedictian as well, isn't there? They're the ones I've heard of them and the Franciscans. For some reason, I was thinking of the Dominican Republic. I don't want to be a monk racist, but if I see any of them, I'm just shouting, Muck, Mug, Mug. Mug.

And then I'm just sort of tapping my own head as if to suggest a tonsure. Yes, exactly. Mug. I'm just drumming my hands on the top of my head. Yeah. I'd be like, well, I'm a Dominican actually. I'm a Dominican monk, actually. Yeah, not bothered.

Mung. I got monk blindness. There's a horse and a rider, which is heard clip-clopping on the drive. Sorry, I had my phone rang, so I had to mute it and then come back in to say that. You don't see monk. A 17th century horse and rider, which is seen and heard click-clopping on the drive, a phantom coach with four horses that goes through the gates. So the horses are real, but the coaches are phantom.

Yeah, that's what that implies, isn't it? Yes. Two ghostly GIs are smoking as they're strolling through the park. Smoking. Smoking. Why did you say that like the mask? I don't know.

I just always do when I see smoking. Smoking. Somebody stop them. Somebody to stop this war. So these smoking. I've done it again. Smoking. Ghostly GIs may have been.

been it said that a pontoon collapsed during military exercises. Is that a bridge? I think it's like a... Yeah, it must be, isn't it? Is it a bridge that goes just to boat from land to boat? Hmm. Is it? Floating on the water?

Yes, maybe something like that. So there's a pontoon boat, which is a big flat boat. And then a pontoon, I think, is the thing that goes to that. Right on. But no sailor. But yeah, it collapsed. And apparently someone says they witnessed an angel surrounded by a white aura hovering in the air

at the place that people died beforehand. Oh. Which seems a bit rotten of the angel. Quite early for the angel. It's got the day wrong. And we don't know if that was the angel's delight or not. Maybe that's, you know, Red sky at night, Angel Delight.

Yes. I don't know. Yeah. Maybe there is something in that. Pondoon in the morning. G.I.'s warning. Tragic. Hmm.

So, and obviously people have then investigated the general spookiness of the place. In the early 2000s, the Association for the Scientific Study of Anomalous Phenomenon, the Assap. The Assap. Arsap, which is, you know, I'm on a donkey as soon as possible is what that stands. No, they did an investigation.

They sound pretty serious. They spent several nights there, and they had a, do you want to hear some of the strange occurrences? Yes, please. A bell was heard ringing in an empty tower. The ringing bell. A ringing bell. Wow. Hands on a clock, which had been stopped to repeat.

had seemed to have moved, lights in the house suddenly illuminated. So has it been, has the interior been built now? No, it's kind of half built. It's got bits and bobs. So it has a clock in there. There is a, it seems to be a clock. I think it was like some of it was habitable, habitable for a bit. Right, I see.

And they sort of did a bit, but a lot of it like. They didn't bring their own broken clock to the, to the ghost hunt. The lights came on, although there was no one who could have turned them on. Long-haired women in the team felt their locks being tugged at by something unseen. Ooh, great line. Yeah. Long-haired women. I don't know.

Somehow, the way you said it sounded a bit rock and roll. Yeah. Long-haired women. The locks are being tugged by something unseen. Did it, did it. I mean, I'm not a musician. I think that was good enough. I don't know anything about music

and I thought that was really good. Other team members became aware of a strange, persistent banging sound that seemed to approach them and they recognised the noise was like a steam engine. Alistair, there's no railway line within a mile of the mansion. Of course there isn't. No. Yeah.

Wow. Well, we have had that kind of disturbance on some episodes of this podcast. Yeah. Banging noises in the background and sounds that can't be accounted for. sometimes one of us sounds like they're in a well. Yes. Have you ever felt your locks being tugged up by something unseen? Often, yes.

Although quite a lot of the time, it's because I've behind my back caught one of my tresses under my armpit without realizing it. And then I turn my head. Behind your own back. Yeah, so if you can imagine it sort of loops around under my armpit and pokes out the front as if I have a very hursuit armpit. And I don't notice this has happened.

and then I turn my head too sharply, scalp comes clean off. There were further investigations, Alistair. In 2005, members of the Seven Side Centre for Forteum Research. The Seven Side Centre for Fourteen Research? Yes, the SCFR, the scuffer. It's very hard to work out how many of them there are. The Seven Side Centre for Fourteen Research. They actually haven't told you any numbers there, but it sounds like they have.

I told me several numbers. They did an overnight investigation, and there was a blue-colored light phenomenon manifesting on the second-floor corridor, where a perfect sphere of light appeared and rapidly traveled down the corridor before disappearing at the knees of two of the investigators. Wow.

And do they have pictures of this? No. No, okay. But CCTV, which is Spanish for yes, yes, TV. which was recorded in the chapel revealed the very, very vague form of a hooded figure, although this was far from conclusive. And if Mark's saying that in Mysterious Gloucestershire,

mysterious Gloucestershire... If it doesn't rise to the bar that you have to achieve to convince the author of a book of local mysteries, you've done a bad job. Yeah. Also investigated by the typical... which is the Institute of Paranormal Research. Tipper.

They had some stuff going on. They included the smell of candles in the disused chapel. Stones being thrown through the air and the sighting of several apparitions. And that's it. And I like that. A smell of candles, stones being thrown. And we saw several ghosts. Several ghosts.

Several ghosts as well, just as an afterthought. Yeah. But Alistair, I think. Going back to the list from the website, we had a little mystery in there, didn't we? We had a be bodied head. As in we had a head, a floating head. How is it bebodied?

As in the same way, beheaded. I see what you mean, yeah. Unbodied. Yeah, a traditionalist might have said disembodied. But bebodied makes just as much sense technically once you've explained it. An unbodied head. But yes, that head, Alistair, around the lakes

there is a ghost which is the ghost of Medina be the ghost of Sir Rupa de Lansigny which is probably said a bit different in French who is villainous and he committed murder

might be said a little bit differently in English but yeah he what did he do he committed a murder to try and obtain the estate and then he was killed by a friend of the murder victim's family which is a tenuous enough link. He's killed by the family.

No, a friend of the family. He's an aunt. An auntie, but they're not an auntie. Friend of the family. But his ghost is that of a headless horseman. Okay, so now we've got a full man. Yes, just in two places, which is where they would be, you know,

given the circumstances. Post-beheading. absolutely. Yeah. So that's, yeah. That's a mystery and a mystery solved. Well done, James. You delivered exactly what you promised.

I, like, bloomin did and all, didn't I? I forgot to look up to Sir Rupert de Lansigny. Just see if he actually existed. Yeah, I're only really finding him as a ghost. Yeah, man. He's mainly for his ghost work. Unless he is the much, for some reason, and it also gives me someone who lived a couple of hundred years later

called Rupert Della Bear, which I'm starting to realize maybe where Rupert the Bear comes from. Rupert Della Bear. He's called Rupert Della Bear. He was a baronet who lived from 1893 to 1978. He was a businessman, a soldier. I don't know if he had a scarf. He was knighted.

I always hated Rupert. Did you hate Rupert the bear? Yeah. It was a posh bear. He's a boring posh bear. Of all the bears, he's the worst bear. This guy's got a lizard on his crest, for some reason. Rupert della bear, which is, of course, as established French for Rupert the Bear.

Was Rupert the bear even English? Was it English? I think so. He's called Rupert. It was so boring. Which other country could it be from? Below Baba for Dolmus. Yeah, Baba.

And Baba was pretty dull. That was one bland cartoon, Babar. He's always dealing with some sort of domestic economic issue in the kingdom. It's like, what's this about? It felt like everything was letters. Turnip shipments are down. So, fair enough, I'll speak to the trade envoy. Mm.

It was like they should have learned those lessons for the Star Wars prequels. Yes, yeah. The lessons of Rupert the Bear and Baba, the elephant. Baba. I was an elephant. I forgot what Baba was. So boring. It's just family stuff.

It's got a suit, like a suit and tie on. Why are you wearing a tie? This is a kids show. Yeah. Come on. He's out. He's buying a copy of the telegraph. It's a kid's show.

I want a man in borderline sex wear and hairy pants. I'm talking about He-Man. I thought you're talking about Thunder cats, but it's the same. Same. It's the same. It's the same. I'm not in a sports bra. That's what I want.

I want a completely unscrupulous American who wants to sell toys to pay some very talented Japanese or Korean animators to produce something that is objectively terrible but will change children's lives. That's what we want.

And stick a moral at the end if you really have to. So that's a story. That's a story. Of NIMPS field. And now we probably have to do a moral where we say, hey, you shouldn't bully elephants

just because they're a member of the royal family. Also, if you're going to be doing excavation, don't make it casual. No, no. Commit. Yeah, commit or get off the tomp. Should we do some quick scores while we're here?

Yeah, yeah. Right, boom. Supernatural. Well, it's got to be five out of five. It's got to be absolutely loads because you have given me so many ghosts and all of them, Well, I suppose the headless body and the bodiless head is that actually fewer ghosts now that you've solved that case?

I did explain, I think it was more I explained some of the ghosts. I give you a big list of ghosts and then explain some of them. Even if we count the head and the body as one, it's still more than five ghosts. We've had many, many ghosts. Thank you. Rimming with ghosts. It's five out of five for supernatural. one of the most haunted places we've ever looked at,

even though it seems like nobody really lived there. Yeah. Second category, then, naming. Naming, Hetty Peggler's Tomp. Hetty Peggler's Tump. Hetty Peggles Tump. Alfred Bird, Mrs. Bird. Hettie Bubble Bobbles Tump.

Birds fermenting powder. You know, it's been so long I'd forgotten about birds fermenting powder at the start of the episode. Yeah, great, great name. I mean, terrible, terrible name. Great, fermented powder. Blamonge, rummy blamage. Alfred Bird, experimental chemist. Yeah, great name.

Alfie Bird. While we're here, can I just pitch an idea I had to you? Lactose intolerant, Wallace and Grommet. That's the idea. I haven't worked out of the details. He hates cheese. It's the same, but he hates cheese. Nice.

I said there to Rachel and she said, Was the cheese in that? These will be the wrong truth. Trousers soon or something like that. She should have a very good job. Which I've ruined, but I feel like I have to credit. I can't just take. Yeah, so if we include lactose intolerant Wallace and Grommet in the games and names.

I'm going to say it's four. And I do think Hetty Peggless Tump is a very good name. Yes. I love a Tump. Nice Tump. There's plenty of Tumps around there. I'm sure we'll come back to some of the other Tumps. James, you can't say nice Tump to a woman these days.

You can't say nice tump Whilst drinking from a hose It's probably offensive to someone We've got the eggs listening to this Okay Next category is Egglessness Egglessness

Egglessness Yes Well because there were no eggs in the story There was no eggs The custard had no egg Eggless There are headless man was egg.

If you think of as a head being like an egg, you didn't have one of them. I don't, but okay. Yeah. And. He had a bit taken off the top like an egg would. Yes. If you were going to dip soldiers into it.

Oh, yeah. They should make, if they haven't, they should make egg cups that look like Sleepy Hollow Man, the Headless Horseman. Yeah. You pop a head on for a bit. No, maybe that doesn't work.

Yeah. Because then he would just be able to. horseman. Yeah. People wouldn't know. It'd be an eggful horseman. But egg, egglessness,

there's no eggs. I don't think, I don't think the lack of eggs was a main feature throughout the story. It was really, very custard-focused, the egglessness.

If eggs had been lacking at some other point in the story, James, I'd be happy to reward that as a category. It really is just the custard. It really was just the custard up top. Yeah. So I'm afraid it's,

I'm afraid it's a one out of five for egglessness. It's another non-Euclidean episode. There just wasn't enough, no eggs. Find them. Only you'd had more, less egg. So what was that? Two? One.

It was one, I'm afraid. One? One for no egg. One for no egg. Okay, final category. Brain. Just so the listener is aware, we've got two minutes left before James has to leave. So this is really, this is really tense.

This is really tense. This is. do do do do do do da da da da da da da da da da da bong that's a theme tune to my show lactose intolerant countdown interesting idea I've had that's good the final category is case closed case closed because you have worked you've connected several of the ghosts together you connected together the hiding man and the searching man yes you connected the headless man and the floating head. And the builders might have kept their tools in a case, which they closed when they left and the building got closed up without an inside's case closed. That's tenuous, James. That's so

tenuous, but we've got 30 seconds left on the clock. So I'm going to have to give you five out of five. Yes. Because you've rushed me. Time constraint. You've hurried me into a five. I feel like I could pick holes, but that just isn't time, damn it. It's wonderful. Thank you very much. I shall feel about that. That was a lot of ghosts. What a lot of ghosts. So many ghosts. And what a lot of mysteries solved.

Well, yeah. Real ghostly Sherlock Holmes. Lighthouse intolerant Sherlock Holmes, just an idea. Just, if I say it, it's mine. It's Emmontal, dear Watson. Which works better than now. That's good. That's good.

You're in the writer's room for Black House and Tolerick Sherlock Holmes. Well, there's a few little extra bits. no doubt cut out there and those will be in the bonus episode which you can access by joining us at patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod and also you can join the law folk discord thank you very much to everyone who already does do that yeah it's a very nice thing to do and we do appreciate it and alice do's on tour right now in late 2026 yes go see in the late months of 2026

oh it was the riff police I had nothing for that beheaded stuff and they're like yeah you're going nowhere mate they've come for him they've come back like they said i could finish the recording which was nice