Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep4 - Wild Wild Maidstone

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

In preparation for Alasdair's UK Tour, James has been digging up the dirt on Maidstone. He's found a cute little Kentish tale, plus a murderous bull straight out of Looney Tunes. This installment is longer than a minisode but shorter than an episode. It's another classic Loreboys midisode. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Local news is in decline across Canada, and this is bad news for all of us. With less local news, noise, rumors, and misinformation fill the void, and it gets harder to separate truth from fiction. That's why CBC News is putting more journalists in more places across Canada, reporting on the ground from where you live, telling the stories that matter to all of us, because local news is big news. Choose news, not noise.

CBC News. When McDonald's partnered with Franks Redhot, they said they could put that shit on everything. So that's exactly what McDonald's did. They put it on your McChrispy. They put it in your hot honey McNuggets dip. They even put it in the creamy garlic sauce on your McMuffin. The McDonald's Frank's Red Hot menu. They put that shit on everything.

Breakfast available until 11 a.m. At participating Canadian restaurants for a limited time. Frank's Red Hot is a registered trademark of the French's Food Company LLC. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. With me, James Shakeshaft. And me, Alistair, I know you're going on comedy tour. Yeah, I mean, I actually am. It's not a joke that I am going on tour. I actually am. But it's a funny tour.

It's a very funny tour. I'm looking up some of the places you're going to go just to pre-warn you about some of the spooky, things that might come across your path. So I've got you some tales from Maidstone in Kent. In Kent. In Kent. Alistair, this is kind of a midi episode. Do you remember the midi format?

Somewhere between a full episode and a mini episode. Exactly. I always hypothesised that they should have midi baby bells. Because you get mini baby bells and you get bells. Yes. And then it's somewhere in between should be a middy baby bell, I think. And the Maxy Bell, of course. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the summer. The Maxybell XL. Yeah. Well, in that case, in order to sort of pad this midi episode out, can I raise a point of order? Because this has been, it has been weighing on my mind all year, James. All year? All year.

By which I mean, I have forgotten to bring it up every podcast we've recorded so far. Go on. Would you describe, and I'd say, I invite the listener in their head before James answers to consider the answer. Would you describe a jammie dodger to me? Yes. Go on then. You describe a jammie dodger.

What is a jammie dodger? Is this like the time when you tried to claim my voice to get into my voice activated? No, just tell me what a jammie dodger is and also your mother's maiden name and your bed's date of birth. Okay. Well, I'll start with the jammie dodger. Standard jammie dodger because there are variants. Oh, he knows this stuff. I'm not going to catch James out. Go ahead. Go ahead. Flat biscuit. Yeah. Jam. Yes.

Biscuit with a hole in it, like a donut sort of shape. Absolutely. Absolutely correct. James, I'm not at all surprised that you have nailed it. Because if you got it wrong, it would have been the end of this partnership. Definitely. They say that the hole in the middle of the jam, we doddry is a window to the soul. Yeah. By the way, if you are American, you don't know what they are, because it does sound like, Like it's something that might be a slur in Britain, Jammy Dodger. But it is a biscuit or a cookie that James has just described. Did you know, James, there are people out there, including my lover and confidant, who reckon they've got cream in them, cream and jam? No, that's the variant.

That's the variant. You're speaking in my language here, James. That's the variant. That's not the basic. That's not the standard level. Yes. Yes. Your basic jammy dodger is just jam plus dodge.

which is presumably refers to the hole. And the whole of the hole is the dodge. Yeah, because they're saving money on the hole. That's actually, you think that's, you think that over the course of, you know, a decade of biscuit production, think of what they've saved by leaving that hole. Yeah, that's the dodge. That's the dodge. Well, I'm glad we've cleared that up because I will bet you that there are people listening

who reckon. Well, it upsets me to think that people who listen to this might think the jammy dodgers have cream in there. But I feel like if there's, if there's ever. a group of pedants geared up to set the world to rights about something,

it's the listeners to this podcast. And so let's just spread the word jammy dodgers don't have creaming. Let's just clear that up as standard.

Obviously there are seasonal variant. There are variants. We're not saying there aren't variants. No. No one's saying that. I would,

I could conceive of a chalky dodger. A minty dodger? What about a chutney dodger? Do you think a savory dodger is possible? Oh, savoury, Alistair, print this episode out, record it onto a video cassette and send it to yourself because you've just come up with a million pound idea. Savory juttie dodger. A chutty dodger.

Sounds bad. That really sounds like a slur now. That sounds really bad. Well, Alistair, actually, on that theme. On this theme? on this theme of what is the basic, what is the original, when I used to

dine, take dinner, take lunch in McDonald's. Sup. Yes. When I would sup in a little known restaurant chain. Sucking at the trough of Ronald. Yeah. We used to get quarter pounders,

sans cheese. And in those, I'm pretty sure in those days in the 80s. Of course, in France they call those royals. Sands cheese. I don't know. It's not accurate, but it's close. But as far as I knew, that was the standard.

That was the basic. That was the Plato's form, McDonald's burger. Yes. And then you added on the cheese. The burg, Ur, yeah. But the variance is taken over. You can't, if you went into a McDonald's and I had to for a quarter pounder, they'll give you one with cheese.

you'd have to specify on those big, you know, those massive phones. Right. So a cheeseburger is the default for a quarter-a-bounder. Yes. Oh, I don't like that at all, no. Oh, well, I'm sorry. But that's what it is. Anyway, the reason I say that's relevant to this story is because it happened in Kent.

And this story happens in Kent. Well, you had a burger in Kent, and that's how you segway. I used to regularly eat burgers in Kent. This is part of a short-lived series called Alistair, these are places you're going on tour. You need to look out for these ghosts, etc. Oh, brilliant name for a mini-series there, James. Yeah, maybe I'll trim the name down over the course of the series

or maybe I'll extend it. But I've got a story from Maidstone, because I believe you are going on tour and you are going to the Kentish town of Maidstone, right? Yes, I'm doing that. There has lit theatre on the 29th of March. Ah, 2025. 2026.

2026? Yeah, I'm going to do it in 2026. Call me a maverick. Before we get into the Little Maidstone story, which is ever so cute and ever so sweet, and I think it's going to warm the listeners' heart cockle. Hearts, if not cockles, okay. Yeah, you don't want cockles on your heart.

That sounds like a complaint, right? Yes, oh, it's his cockles. He's got cockles on his heart. No, it's me cockles. They're too warm. This man's cockles are overheating. We're going to a very, very small village called Great Chart. Oh.

Have you heard of it? Great chart. Great chart. It sounds like you're trying to ingratiate yourself with a seaman. Yes. Yeah. I see, okay. I see where you're going, yes.

Great chart. I looked it up because I was like, where is that? name come from. And the answer is even more funny. It's first mentioned in 762 as, and I'm going to pronounce this as well as I can, celebrities chart. Celebrities chat. Celebrities chat. Like a list of the people who you, the famous people you like the most. Yes. Like a celebrities chat. It's S-E-L-E-B-E-R-H- T-E-S. Celebrities. Celebrities.

So this is celebrities, chat. So many celebrities. Ah, I need to chat the celebrities. That's, I suppose, the stars, isn't it, for, you know, for the Greeks and Romans. They were a celebrities, chad. There were the celebrities of the ancient times, yeah. Yeah. A bit before 762.

But yeah, it was noted that year that there was a village with a mechanical water mill. The first water mill to be recorded in Britain. So I'm reading from Westwood and Simpsons, The Law of the Land, the textbook. The textbook. And it says, according to a pamphlet printed in 1613 entitled, The Wonders of This Windy Winter, which is also a great name, almost as good as name as Celebrities Chart. A terrifying event occurred at the parish church.

During the evening service on a Sunday, a thunderstorm developed, and a creature like an enormous bull with very large eyes burst into the church, rampaged through the building, killed a miller. What? Yeah, killed the middle. Because remember, had a work in mechanical water mill.

Well, they'd need a mechanical one after the miller's been killed. by a bull with big eyes, wounded the person and then smashed through the other wall. It smashed through the wall. Is this a cartoon? Were they attacked by a cartoon of a bull? I think so. They naturally, as it says here, assumed that it was the devil.

Yeah. But that's the end of the story. There's no further explanation. A big bull. This is the sort of thing I expect to happen in Spain. Yes. Because they've been pointing them up. Yeah.

Because these Spanish people are always trying to irritate balls. They're always... You see, it'd either be a big bull coming through or a massive tomato. And if it was a big tomato, that's going to annoy a bull because of the colour. Famously. You know, they're going to be egging each other on.

So that's what, if you do go to Great Chart and you go to the parish church, do beware for big cartoon bull. Watch out for a cartoon bull. It's a bit like... It smashes through the wall, leaving a cut out of a bull. We don't have it over here, but I think the Kool-Aid man would be a reference that would work. It's like a bull.

Yeah, he smashes through walls. It's a bull. But he's also red, so he would also anger a bull. Yeah. Maybe it was chasing him. I know because then he would have smashed through first and killed the Miller and then smash you the wall, and then the bull would follow. Anyway, that's what to look out for, nearby Maidstone, in Maidstone. this is the thing to look for

because this is a lovely little story. Do look for it. So there's the Allington Castle there which I believe is where Henry VIII met one of his wives. How romantic.

I think there's also a chair there which... Really? No. No, but it's got like an engraving... You're pulling my leg. This is in Reader's Digest. friend. Let me just grab the book because I want to get this right. I don't want to slander.

That's folklore, myths and legends of the British Isles. That's the one. Sorry, no, of Britain. I'm looking at it here, but a steep angle. Folklore Myths and Legends of Britain. Reader's Digest Edition. Has some real good page Foley there. Oh yeah. So, in... Hold on. Yeah. Oh, it was an... Anne Boleyn, Henry the Eighth is said to a first sight of eyes on Anne Boleyn at Allington Castle. And in the museum, actually, it made some museum, there's a chair from the castle with an inscription on the back, which gives substance to the legend that it was King Henry's privilege to kiss any woman who sat in it.

Ah. Ew. Hmm. Gross, Henry the Eighth. Yes, Henry the Eighth is cancelled. So this castle, Arlington Castle, was formerly the home of the Wyatt family and that one of them, Sir Henry Wyatt, he was around in Richard the third times and he was accused of treason in 1483 and imprisoned for two years in the tower

and he was kept alive by what do you want to guess? Oh, dripping moisture from stones. No. A piece of cheese rocked a... No, a cat. Oh, whoa, a cat? Yeah, a cat kept him alive. A cat kept him alive.

With its milk? Oh, no, it brought a live pigeon to the window every day. Really? Yeah. What? Yeah. They didn't just, it didn't just arrive covered in marmite. What?

The pigeon? The cat. Well, I was thinking it could go underneath a fence, like in Pepe Lepeu, get marmite on it, and then bring the marmite to it. him and he could clean it. Alistar, you're all right.

Just trying to think of ways of keeping a guy alive, yeah. Why is there a Marmite covered fence? Who's painting the fence in Marmite in 1483? Well, okay, yeah,

it does, for a Pepe Le Pue style accident, it does require, like, someone will be painting creosote, but they'd have to swap it

with Marmite, and then they'd paint the, then they'd paint the fence or tar or something, and then they paint the fence with marmite, then the cat goes through, and now the cat has a stripe of marmite on its back. It all works out, James.

I've thought this through. And it looks like a hot dog, and then the guy eats it because he's chasing it around, thinking it's a hot dog the whole time. Yeah. But actually it brought him a pigeon, which he presumably killed an ate raw. Yeah, but I'm a live pigeon every day,

which he would, yeah, slaughter and eat, without even a piece of cheese to go on top. Oh, dear. Maybe a mouse could have brought his, some cheese. Yeah, from underneath the cheese fence?

Yeah, so I'm just painting a fence with cheese. Probably a soft cheese. Like Brie. Just spraying on a Philadelphia. Yeah, or like,

yeah, like spray cheese, perhaps. Yes, a man confused that expanding foam with cheese,

with spray cheese, and filled, because you would use that to keep mice out. Yes. But little did he know. was making matters worse by filling a hole in the skirting with spray cheese. Yes.

Much to the delight of the lucky rodent. What's the opposite of a life hat? Because that's what you've just come up with. A death hack. Yeah. Just, yeah, inadvertently paint your fence with Marmite if you want to keep a prisoner alive with the assistance of a cat. Is it. Spraise cheese into a hole.

To keep the mice in? Yeah. So, anyway, he was finally set free. Well, actually. You know what, Alistair, there is a commemorative tablet that was erected in 1702 that presumably you can still see there. Oh, it's not in the castle. For some reason, it's in Boxley Church. Oh.

Maybe it was used to slightly patch up, I don't know, a different place, patch up the wall from a marauding bull. Well, yeah, but we don't know. The bull could have struck again. Exactly. The tablet says, to the memory, of Sir Henry Wyatt of Allington Castle, Knight Bannarette, who was imprisoned and tortured in the tower in the reign of King Richard III, kept in the dungeon where fed and preserved by a cat. Wow. Wow. He loved cats for the rest of his life, and all portraits of him, apparently always show

him with a cat by his side. That's quite touching. And his son, the Tudor poet, Sir Thomas Wyatt, brought a particular breed of brown pigeons to keep at the castle in 1526. Oh, yeah, not at the tower, not where his dad was being held, but at the castle in Kent, yeah? The castle in Kent, yeah. Yes, okay. Oh, the tower, not just a tower. Yeah, I was he held in, I was assuming he was held in the Tower of London.

Yeah, I thought it was just in the Tower of the Castle, but I think you're right, because it's capitalised. Because if it wasn't the Tower of London, it kind of sounds like his son was dressing up as a cat to drop off pigeons. And just for giving him pigeons. And he wasn't even being imprisoned anyway. He was just being lied to. He's just very picky eater. It has to be brought by a cat.

It has to be on the back of a cat from a cat going underneath a fence that's painted with that food stuff. I don't ask for much. So there we go, Alistair. That was just a little middy episode. A lovely middy episode. A lovely midday episode with some great product placement from Marmite. Yes. Spray cheese.

Coolade. Spray cheese, generic spray cheese. Obviously, you're going to cut some of the Kool-Aid stuff and put it in the bonus. But still, that's just a little teaser. What did we say about Kool-Aid? Yeah. And the biggest product placement of all is tickets to your show because you're going to be going to Maidstone and other places.

Exactly. I don't want to reveal too much of the tour. So this is what it would sound like if you were behind a door and you couldn't really hear what I was saying. That was the audience there laughing at the joke I made. So that's just an example of what, if you want to hear what that sounds like, if you're in the room, you've got to come. Oh, that's a good, that's a very good selling point.

Yeah, it just came to me, just came to me. They're going to squeeze underneath the fence to get in there. They're going to my tickets. And we covered in my money. Everyone in the front row needs to have a streak of Marmite down their back. Oh, that is, that ain't going to look right. This is, this is not like Pepe-Lipu at all. No.

So should we do a quick brief score? Let's do a quick score. So first. All right. Yeah, let's really mess up the spreadsheet. Ah, yes. First up is supernatural. Supernatural.

Quite low, I think. Although the bull might have been a cartoon character. I think the cartoon bull that might have been the devil that killed the miller and injured the person. Smash through two walls. Two walls. That's pretty impressive. I was picturing it coming in the door. Why didn't it just go back out through the wall it smashed the first time then?

It was on a roll. I guess someone, maybe someone had painted a tunnel. Absolutely. There's a memorial or a fresco of some kind. Definitely. Yeah, it would have been of the stone being rolled back from the cave. Yes, and it tried to run into the cave. Clearly, you've cracked this cave wide open, James.

Yeah, all right. Like a big cartoon bull with bulging eyes. Yeah, all right. Well, then it's a two for supernatural. Okay. One for each of its huge eyes. Wonderful. And the next category is supernatural.

No. The next category is naming. Right. Do I need to remind you great chart? Celebrity. Celebrity chart. Celebrity chart. Celebrity chart.

It's a celebrity chart. And the pamphly was called The Wonders of This Windy Winter. Yeah, great name, great title. Yes, absolutely. And I like Wyatt. Yeah, it's a nice name. It's got a vibe to it like you kind of annoyed at him, like, Wyatt, John Wyatt, Thomas Wyatt.

So that's quite fun. Yeah. Yeah, okay, it's a three for names. And then the final category is animals, Wild. Oh, yes. Yes, they have. They got cats serving pheasants or partridges on a tray.

What was it? Very raw pigeons. A completely raw pigeon covered in marmite. There was a mouse in this. I think there was a mouse in the story, you said. They got covered in spray cheese and formed it into a sort of bouffant. Yeah. Yes, as a disguise to get past the jailer.

Because if there's one thing cartoons have taught me is that if you put lipstick and a wig on an animal. Men fall in love with the animal straight away. And I wouldn't rule out that being the most accurate thing in most cartoons. Yeah, definitely. That's where do you think the mermaid myth comes from? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Someone put lipstick on a manatee, tried to sneak it out of jail. Anyone say where a manatee? It went that away. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh. And then it crawled underneath a fence. Mar-my-old.

And of course the bull. Without further, a dugong, there was the bull, yes. Nice. Yeah, I was just trying to do a bit of an animal. I put it in there. Thank you for noticing. Nice. Yeah, yeah, there was the bull.

There was a big cartoon bull as well. Yes, you can see it snorting, its eyes red. Mm-hmm. Doing that thing where the snort looks like little mushroom cloud type thing's coming out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, pouring the ground. Where's that miller?

Yeah, it looks at the miller, and then the miller, wobbles and turns into, what would a bull want to run at? A big tomato, I suppose, from what we were saying before. The mirror turns into a big tomato. Yeah. Smashes the Miller. Wow. Cool egg guy comes in.

He can't help. He's just, yeah, nothing to do. Yeah. Just refills the font and leaves sheepishly. Yeah. With Coolade. Yeah. Okay.

It's five out of five. Is it a big, chunky cartoon five out of five for animals gone wild because surely they have gone wild. This is beyond natural behaviour. A mouse wearing a wig. I've heard of such a thing. Made of cheese. A wig made of cheese. Dog is ridiculous.

That guy that spray paint in the fence with my instead of creosote. That's a big dog. That's a walking talking dog. You're right. It's a dog. It's a goofy. It's one of your goofies.

Yes. A dog that doesn't really resemble a dog in any way. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. That's also a bad, sad, bad and sad reason. Is there? I think he's a racist. Goofy's racist.

Ah, yeah. Goffy's a racist. Okay. Painting the fence is a milkshake duck. Oh. Milkshake duck, Marmite cat,

cheese mouse, bring them together. Delicious treat. Yeah, it's the Jammie Dodger. of link in an episode back to the thing we said at the start. Yeah, well done. Great work. What a delicious episode. There you go.

That was a little mid. That's what a MIDI episode sounds like. Well, now you know. Sure, there's a bonus. You can find that at patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod. And thank you very much to all the people who already support us via that method. But Alistair, if people are listening to this on day of release, they've still got two. days to get to Lester to see us Lawmen live as part of the Lester Comedy Festival.

The 7th of February, 2026. 2026. And if they've missed that, is there any way they could see at least you? Yeah, come and catch all ABK solo on the 22nd of February in the Fair City of Lester at the L'I Theatre. Why? Why? Why theatre? I also looked up his great chart, a nice place. to live. And this is on a website. So I, you know, this isn't like a, you know, a Google AI nonsense coming back at me. I think a human had a hand in this. You know, it pops up with the questions whenever you search something. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Is great chart a nice place to live?

And the answer from a website, which I won't know, because I don't want to shame, it says, great chart is often seen as the perfect place to live if you want all the benefits of living in a rural location, but still want to be able to enjoy close connections to the wider area. I think most places are where they are, but are also near adjacent places. Yeah, good. It's not in a pit. It's not at the top of a stick.