Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep5 - A Romantic Welsh Buffet with Jenny Collier

Episode Date: February 12, 2026

Roses are red, Daffodils are jollier, It's Valentine's time, So we're joined by Jenny Collier! Jenny returns to the pod having just moved house, so James pulls out a classic Shakeshaft grab-bag. Prepare yourself for some romantic Welsh tales! Or, at least some Welsh tales with a tenuous link to romance. And please, can no one ever mention the welly incident again? Follow Jenny's house-moving saga on her new Substack blog ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Edited by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Laurence Hisee⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of York. I'm James Shakeshaft. I'm Alistair. It is coming up to the most romantic time of the year, which is Lawmen's patented Welsh Valentine's. Welsh Valentine's. At this time, we welcome guest deputy. Welsh Valentine's correspondent Jenny Collier to the show. And what has she got in store for us, James?

Oh, we've got a little romantic grab bag of Welsh bits. A romantic grabback of Welsh bits. I'm sorry, Sensors, there's nothing you can do. You can't touch him for that. There's nothing actually rude about any of that. Hey there, Alistair. Hey there, James. I'm doing the whisper.

Oh, sorry, I didn't whisper. Hey there, James. It's a stage whisper. need to do it. Sorry, I keep forgetting you've got a theatre training. Exactly. This was, honestly, day two. What was day one?

It was the hop start to a run when you're going to go off stage. Take this message to the king. And you sort of do like a little sort of, yeah, a little hoppy type. And then you're off. Yeah. But you've got to, this is where a lot of people fell down. You've got to stop that run as soon as you get. in those wings.

The audience doesn't know this. There's nothing there. A lot of theatres, or as I like to call them, spaces, don't have much wing depth. Anyway, I feel I've derailed things with...

But who is that in the wings? I'm making a link, James. Oh, that's perfect. But who's standing in the wings in that very, very cramped small space? Well, any listener who has checked their calendar will know, it's bloomin February.

And in February, is Valentine's Day. And when it's Valentine's Day, we put out the call to our Welsh Valentine's deputy law person, the comedian Jenny Collier. Please, welcome to Jenny Collier.

Welcome to the Jenny Collier. Jenny, if we had like a bat signal for you, what would the image need to be? What would summon you in the way a bat summons Batman? Oh, a love spoon. Nice. I guess, of course.

Like a carving Welsh spoon. And to do with Valentine. Yeah. Might be confusing as a signal. You might get like Superman.

Which is like Short and Superman. He couldn't get the name on the internet. He couldn't get that email. He couldn't get a Superman email address so he called himself Superman. He thought people would get it, but they didn't.

When is Welsh Falun? Have we missed Welsh Valentine's, actual Welsh valentines? So we got in trouble last year, rightly so. Yeah. Because we forgot to mention... We didn't mention Santa's twin-win. Yes. Don't you know anything?

It's the 25th of January. It's amazing that you know that off the top of your head. Yeah, just ignore the typing. There we go. 25th of January. Well, there's only typing because you've also sent us a message in the chat saying, don't you know anything? It's the 25th of January.

That was why. That was what it was. But welcome back, Jenny, because it is in the law folk universe, Welsh Valentine's season. Now, Jenny, it's a busy time of year. We've all been busy. I believe you've been moving house recently, haven't you? I have been moving house, ultra busy, three car fulls, three cars full. Whoa. Including this very Futon that I'm sitting on now that I had to wrangle down six flights of stairs and up two flights of stairs.

Wow. My gosh, and into a car. And into a car and out of a car. Oof. Yeah. Blimey. But as a consequence, it's a bit of a different Welsh Valentine special because your Mabonogian is still,

is it still in the futon? Is it still in the car? The book is somewhere in one of these many boxes that I haven't quite. You've got boxes with pans written on them and a boxer says folklore books, but there isn't time to go through all of them. Yeah. This is it. It's hard to say. It's so exhausting, moving house.

You have my sympathy. Congratulations. Thank you. I appreciate that. I've moved 15 times in the last 15 years. Oosh. Wow. And let's be clear, she means house, not just physically.

This is not another exercise. Slam. That's horrible. Moving house. And I assume you're moving house in a city that really welcomes people moving house and where it's really easy to find a new place. Oh yeah, it's really easy and stress-free. It's like a well-oiled machine.

Sometimes machines can have too much oil, can't they? So, but with that in mind, the lack of Mabino... We're not Mabinogying this week, this year. It's a Mabinogin'an episode. As the French would say. Okay. So it's fallen to me to source some stories, and I've turned to friend of the show,

The Reader's Digest Book of Myths and Legends of the United Kingdom or something. I wish I'd should learn my friend's names, shouldn't I? It's folklore, myths and legends of Britain. You know the Reader's Digest one. Yep. With the user on the cover.

There he is. There they are. That was uncanny. No, that's a different and better podcast. Sorry. And I've turned to the chapter, The Land of the Red Dragon. Wales.

Wow. It's that, oh, it's Wales. It's Wales, of course. I got excited for a second and they realised it means Wales, which is great in a fantastic country. I've kind of, I mean, Jenny, you're going to have to help us out with the local flavour here

because I'm not too sure where many of the places are in Wales. I know one of them is near where I used to go when I used to go to Wales because I did you know that I had a Welsh godfather? And I used to go to a place called Lindenum. Okay. Which is kind of near, oh, what's it called, Macuntleth Festival. Oh, Macuncliffe? Sorry, can I just be clear, are we not doing a Welsh godfather riff at all then?

We're just going to let you say that. And we're not even going to say, who come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding? Have we done that already? And why are we not doing Welsh Godfather? No, we're not doing Welsh Godfather. When I thought I was out, he pulled me back in. That's from the Welsh Godfather 3,

which is the least liked of all the Welsh Godfather films. Yes, so I was driving to Mahantlet with Feend of the show Sinil Patel. and we were passing by and I was like, oh, I wonder if this is near where I used to go when I was a kid and I looked on my phone and it was really near. But, you know, we were already running late and, you know, snow was driving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was on a mission. So we didn't, we didn't pop in and see the little village where I went fishing and famously in my family did a wee in some fishing boots. That's very sweet. I was in them at the time It wasn't like an aiming contest You were wearing them

Yeah I was wearing them That story is you wet yourself All right Whilst fishing It was the rush of the water The sound of the water He didn't a fish are scared Wait until you see this kid

He's terrified I think I've been around there With the fiend of the show Chris Cantrell Him giving me a list back from Mahoncliffe Was that the first? the time he got scared by some pheasants? There were a lot of pheasants on the road. Is this a heavily pheasanted area?

Now that I'm thinking about it, I think that was abaristice. Okay. Well, they're all kind of in a similar... It's all Wales. It's all, Wales. It's definitely in Wales, aberristern. And I did find a little tale from nearby there, place called... Well, actually, you know what?

I'm going to tease that. We're going to get to it later because I think that's the best tale. Yeah. So I'm just going to... Can you start with a much worse tale, please, James? Well, no. I've got a... short. I've got a very short one just to get us

bang in the mood, back into the Welsh mood. This is the tale by James Wade or Shemmyroix. Yikes. I forgot to check with you, Jenny, before I did some pronunciation. You smashed it. You smashed it. You've sound like you've looked up what the little roof above the A means. What does the little roof above the A do? So it's called a Torbach, which means little roof. Oh, really?

Yes. Oh. There might be a grown-up word for it, but that's what we learned it as. Torbach over the A means elongate the A, and you just did it. That's so patronising on me, isn't it? You just did it.

No, that's good. No, you can hear the genuine delight in James' voice. Yeah. To be praised. Yes, exactly. That's what I needed on the fishing trip. You did a very big wee there, James. Well done.

That's going to smell for years. Well done, James. You've just created a family story that you're one day going to share on a podcast. Unprompted as well, I can't believe it. No one is going to wrinkle it out of you. And this is from the town of Goodwick or Woodig. Woodig?

Woodig. Woodig? In Pembroke. And so this guy, James Wade, Shemiwad, is, he's kind of quite well known. He's quite notorious in Welsh folklore for being quite the story. storyteller. Okay. Do you mean an exaggerator? Yeah. Well, I don't know. Maybe listen to this story, Alistair, let me have your own life. Okay, all right. Yeah, fine. I'll do my own research. So, as a little background of the guy, he mostly sort of became known when he was quite old when he

would tell these stories. And he said that he'd been a sea captain and traveled the oceans of the world. And what century is this? What decade? What century? He was probably born around 18. And in the 1841 census, he was a far, was it? The 1816 was the year without a summer. That was the year without the summer. Yeah. And in the 1841 census, he was put down as a farm worker in the parish of Uv. I don't know if you're afraid or trying to say it.

Klan, Klan W-D-A, Klan Wanda, Klan Wanda. L-L-L-A-W-N-D-A, Klan Wanda. Klanda. Konda. Why can't I find it? I don't know. Maybe I got a bad source. He told many stories which were

Yenwere Bob Gair. Every word was true. Oh. White lie tales. Oh, say it again. Yenwere Bob Gare. Yenwere Bob Gare. Is that good? Is that bad? Have I sworn? Inwir. One true. Bob Gare. Every, yeah, I guess.

I think the trick thing here is that James, you don't speak Welsh. Jenny, you sort of speak Welsh. We don't have anybody who, like, fully speaks Welsh. Because I don't speak Welsh at all either. And I think trying to guess what James is saying is a challenge. Well, that's a bit down. One true owner. Yeah, sorry.

Yeah. Every word was true. And according to his... Oh, Gair, Gair. That was the word I didn't get. Every word. Yeah, yep, yep, yeah. Thank you.

Sorry. Yinware Bob Gair. Gair, yeah. So I do speak Welsh Alistair actually. It's all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the Gungo Ool is going to come for you. He told many stories of his time at sea. He'd said about Native Americans in Fiji and Eskimos in South Africa.

I mean, a little side story, which was on this website that I read. One of his most popular stories was about the massive potato he'd grown, which was so heavy that had to be blasted into bits and hauled on a drag cart in four pieces. So it's got a sort of similar story to your move, did you have any big potatoes that you had to smash the pieces? Didn't bring any perish of balls. But the story that caught my eye from a friend of the show

was a time when he was fishing and a big crow swooped down out of the sky and picked him up in his beak and flew him all the way to Ireland where it dropped him on a cannon into a cannon, which fired and blasted him all the way back over again.

All right. I'm afraid, James, you're not going to like what I'm about to say. What? Not only do I not believe that, it's from Baron Munchausen. So not only is this guy a liar, he's plagiarizing another guy

who is famous for lying, such that his name is a byword for lying. So Baron Munchausen did that in the Adventures of Baron Munchausen. It did Baron Munchausen predate, Chemi Wad. I think so. Hold on. So when was he ever telling these stories? The 1800s.

He died in 1887. Chemi Wad. I think maybe, though, this is a warped... I saw a different version of the tale told. I mean, the basics are there. In a different version, he was fishing, and he put out lots of fishing rods and tied him to his leg and fallen asleep.

And the sea went out and all the bait was there. And then a load of seagulls tried to get all the bait. And they ended up picking him up. So there was a little bit more believable. There were a load of goals. Oh, yeah, several goals. Carried him all the way to Ireland, Dublin. And he was dropped there.

And then he was like, oh, no, what I'm going to do? and it started raining, so he climbed into a cannon and kind of curled up to sleep, and then in the morning, they did like the dawn firing of the cannon. To the Wales.

Pong. Pong. That is a bit less, that's a bit less Munchausen S. But no, Baron Munchausen, to pronounce it in a Welsh way, for no reason.

Yeah, he was, according to the website, could be any website, not necessarily Wikipedia that I'm reading. He retired in 1760, I started doing tall tales, and then in 1785, Erich Rasp's satirical retelling of his tales was published. So, yeah, I'm afraid this is a case of IP infringement. And if there's one thing I won't stand for, it's IP infringement.

Do you know how you know it's not true as well? Because if that had happened to him, he would have wet himself in his fishing boots. That would have been the key part of the tale that everyone mentioned. That's a very good point. It would be terrifying. Way more scary than fishing. So, okay then. All right, Jenny, I fear we're on the back foot.

I don't know if there's a Welsh phrase for that. I know another thing about Shemi Wad. Yeah. Is, did you read the bit about how he was famous for spitting tobacco? And so if you ever accused him of lying, he would spit tobacco, aren't you? Well, it sounds like something that someone with nothing to hide would do. Okay, all right then. We're going to go, we're going to move on then to a much more believable tale.

Is this from the same disgusting spitting liar character? No. Different person. That's different. I think there'll be more from Shemiwad in future episodes. But for now, we'll leave him and his legacy there, please. We're going to go to Guilfac in Glamorgan now. And this is the origin of coal.

Oh. Now, if you didn't believe that, you're now going to find out where Cole comes from. You thought it was dinosaurs. You're telling me it's not dinosaurs? Yeah, I am. Okay. Someone recently, it may have been you or it may have been Sunil, it was a bearded person in a podcast situation. Right.

Oh, you're from Toulos. They're not me. Yeah, sorry. I'm so sorry, Jenny. The move has been hard on Jenny. She knows. You know, nobody's in their best state immediately after moving house. They pointed out that plastic is oil, which was dinosaurs.

So children, when they're playing with a plastic toys, are playing with dinosaurs. Yeah. And if they're playing with a plastic dinosaur, then... Oof. Inception. Yeah. Yeah. It's making a mockery. Yeah.

That's more, probably mind-bable. blowing senile work there, I think. So, yeah, the origin of coal. Jenny, should we tell Alistair the origin of coal? Okay. What is this? So it's not fossilised trees. You're telling me.

Vegetable matter. What is it? No. Well, I'm not fully saying it isn't. What? I thought we were a team. Well, when we get to the end of the story, I'll explain my computer. Okay.

Because I was a bit, I don't know what, tell the story and then all will become clear. Okay, okay, so this is how Cole was discovered in the Rimni Valley, Rimni, Rhymni. Hang on. R-H-M, no, R-H-Y-M-N-E-Y, Rymney. I don't know. I'm being really disloyal to Wales because I can't tell you which river, this is by.

Was there, yeah, the Rymney Valley, where a bunch of fairies lived, right? And they were being harassed by a giant who came to live around there, at Guilfak Fargoed, and one of the fairy lads whose own parents had been eaten by this giant.

Oh, wow. Swore revenge. Or as it says here, finally decided to kill the monster. You really pushed him to the end of his tether, this monster. And so...

Eat one of my parents. That's annoying. Shame on me. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to have to do something. What I am going to do is I'm going to go to a nearby farm and have a chat with an owl. Mm-hmm. And he talked that owl round to being on his side.

And so he's got the owls on side, which is what you need. The owl has joined his party. That's good. Yes, exactly. A little picture of the owl's face appears on the interface, so you know the owl's with you. And you've got his inventory and his abilities. claw, hooting and vision. Well, Alistair, is that what you think the owl's skills are?

Yeah, claws, hooting and vision, yes. You're prepared to prepare your mind to be blown. Okay. Okay, so they snuck. And coal production, I forgot to say, the ability to think it's coal. The other thing owls are famous for. Whilst the giant was courting a witch under an apple tree. Oh, because it's a Valentine's episode.

You had to work a little bit of sex interest. It's a bit of a love story. Okay, he's courting a witch under an apple tree. This is very romantic. And the owl. They're sharing half a fairy. He's chewing the head of a fairy and then offering her a bit. It goes to eat the head.

Yeah, and then... Or maybe they eat both ends of the fairy and then they're lit meat. Kiss in the middle. Like in Lady in the Tramp? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then the owl does its attack.

So you've rolled for owl attack. It is... Just doing my owl impression. Listener, that was not a sound effect. That was actual Alistair's actual owl call. That was my owl call. In a second, we're going to hear, fo, fo, fo, foot, against your window.

I'm fortunate I have summoned the owls now. So let's just get moving with the podcast because they're going to be here soon. Deathly silent flutter. will somehow mess with the recording. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing about owls, you won't hear them arriving

because they fly so quietly, don't they? Yeah, I was imagining them flying into the window, but they're pretty smart. Apparently they're very stupid owls. Really? Their reputation is for wisdom, but I think they've got tiny, tiny brains compared to other birds.

Really? So I think they are not great problem solvers. Is it because in the head, it's all rotational muscles. It's all gears. Yeah, they're basically like gym bros with a beefy, Beef necks and tiny little graniums, yeah.

It's all rotators. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, Alistair, what are you guess? Do you want to guess on the owl's method of attack? Swoop, the claw. No. Swoop and claw. Oh, no, it's a long range.

Beak to the eyes. Long range. It's a long range. A piercing cry shatters the glass pants of the giant. No. A bit more basic. The owl shot an arrow into his heart. Shot an arrow.

Shot an arrow. How is it... Owley's a bow and arrow? With claws, I'm guessing it's using its feet. No. I'm guessing feet rather than... I don't think the wings would be getting involved at all. They're going to get confused with the end of the arrow, aren't they?

You're going to need to use claws. So the giant's dead. Yes. Meanwhile, also, the witch was also killed, collateral. I blame the witch. A flock of the owl's companions who just wanted to get in. on it. Doesn't say what weapon they used, you know, whether they all shot the witch with a bunch of arrows or just, I don't know, probably, as you suggested before, pecked. The swoop and clawed.

Swoop and clawed. And then the fairies burnt the giant's body in a big pit and the ground caught fire and they found all the coal underneath. Right. So they found the coal. Yeah. So this isn't the story of the origin of coal, is it? It's the discovery of coal. Jenny was right. This is the discovery of coal. Discovery. I mean, I wondered, when I first read it, I was like, is this the origin of coal in the world?

Thanks to some Welsh fairies. Oush. What a claim to fame. But it's actually coal was discovered in that particular place. So maybe coal was already discovered worldwide. But it's only one they burned the witch and the giant that they were like, oh, is coal here as well? Yeah. It's a very Welsh-centric view to.

be like this is how coal was discovered, but it's just in one small Welsh village and buy some fairies. Hmm. Mm. Okay. Bit skeptical of that. Cole isn't made of Burning Giant. No.

Maybe it's like it's a, um, a byproduct of burning giant. You know, you just got to, you burn it near it. Like it's a, um, the science word that means, it's something that helps a reaction go quicker. Catalyst.

Thanks everyone else. And what's the Welsh word for Catalyst? Catalyst. Ah. Nice way. A good for language. I'm going to find out. I feel like maybe someone who spoke Welsh would have just known, but that's fine.

That's fine. I'm not saying Jenny doesn't speak Welsh. Far be it from me. She's spoken Welsh. She has spoken Welsh. Loads of times on this podcast. Hey. Catalyze.

Oh. Close enough. And it is said that on moonlit nights, the owls descendants come to Gilfak Fargoed and celebrate the giant's death in a song. Oh, nice. Romantic. Yeah, exactly. Very romantic.

So there's a bit of Valentine's romance. To Valentine's there for us, yes. Lovely. And the final tale. This is the big one from Dinnis Moldui. Dinnas Moldoy. Certainly the first word. I've got that.

Dinus Maldoy. Did he pronounce it like that? losing confidence throughout his name. Like saying James Shayshad. That's how he introduced himself. Yeah. It's one of the few words that changes font midway through. Changes font size.

No, it doesn't. Dennis Midway. It just occurred to me that Jenny Collier, if Cole had not been discovered in Wales, Jenny, then how would you be here? Because your surname Ms. Collier. So you'd be called Jenny Whatever the industry was before that

Unharmed Field Sexy giants having Trying on with witches Giant killing, yeah Jenny Field, yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Good to know Jenny Virgin Mountain Good name That's a good name That is a good name It's because It does sound like a ride of Disneyland I don't think they're doing

A Virgin Mountain At Disneyland No That's like that Jesus theme park. Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah. But should I tell you, my surname is from my English side of the family, so I don't know what happened. Is that cold in England?

Presumably, yeah. Yes. Yeah, we used to have coal mines in England. Let me tell you a little story about Margaret Thatcher. A legend. As far as I know, they've never heard of in Wales. She was on a day underneath an apple tree. I just whilst listeners, to be clear, I know that they have heard of Thatcher in Wales as being ironic.

And also, to be clear, I know that there is coal in England. Yep. Just, just clear that up. And also to be clear, I didn't really do away in the things. I just said it to sound cool. Oh, yeah. Okay. I was just saying it to sound cool, all right?

During the 15th and 16th centuries, around Dennis Malmell. south way, there's bandits, Alistair. And you know what sort of bandits there were? Outlaws, cut purses, padfuts. They're the red bandits. The red bandits. Communists. Wow.

No. They got red hair. Oh, ginger criminals. Ginger criminals. Oh, no. The russet-headed crooks. Oh, no. Yeah.

They were around the Welsh marches and their Marinioth I said that like I was recorded backwards and played forwards Mariniop And they They were written about

By all sorts of people And balladeas Wrote about them Poets Griffith Griffith Harriath Thog Who's a famous person

Who's famous enough To have a blue link On Wikipedia so I should definitely know their name, was a 16th century wealth language, Welsh language poet. He wrote about it. Robert Vaughn wrote about it.

I'm guessing a different one to the actor. And that's in Sabine Bering Gould's book, a Book of North Wales. And it said that these bandits never tired of robbing, burning of houses, and murdering people. They were always doing murder in those days, weren't they?

Mothering. See, here they've got Mourther with a T-H instead of a D. But, well, that's an old spelling, just like Berthen, instead of Burden. It's an old spelling. Abith of Berthen. A beath of Berthen? A beith of Berthen. It's absolutely murder on my back, is what the Bister Bairdardin would say.

Is my... Is my therine? My job. I don't know. I suppose not to be confused with Murther in Wales, totally different. unrelated. And, of course, Mertes she wrote. If there isn't a local

murder she wrote watchalong called Mertha as she wrote in Mitha Tidville, they've really missed a trick. That's the name of the bookshop, it's got to be. Yeah. Which specialises solely in crime novels in the fictional works of Jessica Fletcher. Is there any, surely someone's written?

James, you've come to the right person. Of course, I know the answer to this. Yes, several novels have been written under the name Jessica Fletcher, although obviously the fictional character did not write them. And there's two point-to-click adventure games. Two? Yeah, but they don't have Angela Lansbury's voice. So it's just another actor who doesn't sound anything like her.

So it's not good. Okay, thank you very much. I'll finish the quote. Murdering people in so much that being very numerous, they did often drive great droves of cattle sometimes to the number of 100 or more from one country to another at middle day. As in time of war, without fear, shame, pity or punishment

to the utter undoing of the poor resort. These red bandits are running rampant. Wow. And good alliteration there, James. Yeah, that was unintentional, but I like it. There's a lot of place names that are named after them. Lh-e-gwilyad, which is the bandits's lodging, lettie Kladron, robber's lodging, and Bulk Othruz. Oh, sorry.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. This is the arm from Twin Peaks, by the way, voicing all of these locations, if anyone's wondering. It's a special guest. If anyone wants to write in with their pronunciation issues, please write to the Twin Peaks TV show. If you play this episode backwards, James pronounces all the Welsh correctly. And does a little dance.

There's a freaky little dance. Yes. But they had, they had their very own sort of Batman, I guess. Like there was a Baron who was taken them down. It was Baron Lewis Apouin who he managed to get a bunch of them hanged and this is where the story comes in here. So the Red Bandits were running rampant

but legend says that many were captured and condemned by Baron Lewis Owen, the county sheriff and tradition claims that the mother of one of them went to the Baron and pleaded with him to save her young son's life and he refused. And she bears. her bosom, cursed him, and said, These breasts have fed other sons

who will wash their hands in your heart's blood. Wow. Yeah. This is like an arrested development when the secretary character keeps storming out. So where to make a point. Yeah. Two points.

I read another version that said, These yellow breasts will do the thing with the other, which, yeah. That's maybe a fake tan for you. Yes. And then, yeah, and it hanged a bunch of them. And in fact, it says they were executed where a place which translates as the

Hill of Loss now stands. And they were buried in a mound still to be found on Roscock, the Redmore, which is about two miles east of Mahwit. No, Mahwit. But do you know what happened to Baron Owen, the Batman? Yes, please. Yes, please. 1555.

He was murdered. murdered by members of that red bandit gang that had escaped catcher, they did put their hands in his heart blood. Oh, to be it. And that is the only bit that is actually backed up by historical accounts that he was murdered on the 12th of October 1555 by a group of bandits. And in the subsequent court case, it was alleged that John Goch or John Gok or John Gok, a bunch of Welsh names,

was the man that struck the fatal blow. App Griffith, App Hugh. So App is son of, so is he got, that's very progressive if he's got two dads. Griffith and Hugh are both this guy's dad. That's very modern. That's great. That is good.

My two dads. That's the sort of dark spin-off. Yeah, that's where they got the idea for my two dads from. Yeah. So there you have it, Alistair. That is... Wow. So it's a prophecy, but not so much a prophecy as a threat.

Definitely. More threat. It's more of a threat than a curse or a prophecy, isn't it? Yep, wow. Three, I mean, perhaps the least romantic tales we've ever had for Welsh Falunitines. Oh, come on that little so much-in-charted evening. Two- Dad. Before they were both murdered.

And two dads, I forgot about the two- dads. Yeah. My two yards. It's good. Very romantic. A woman got a bit of, got her boobs out. Yeah. Yes.

That's very romantic. Yeah. Well, yellow. And then that guy lied at the beginning. The witch and the giant. Yeah, they had a date. It was like my, it was like first dates. Mm.

You know the ones that don't end well? Yeah. It's form of owls a day. Yeah, because Frank, what's the, is that guy called Frank on the front desk of first States? I don't know. Or Barry? Is this a question about murder she wrote?

No, I'm lying in towards Jenny for reality TV. Backup, help. Who is he? Fred. Of course he's Fred. Yeah, Fred's let in an owl with a bow and error. It's carnage. It's carnage in there.

Shemmy Ward wasn't very romantic, was he? No. But that was just a story to whet your whistle. It was just a bit of fun. Just a bit of fun. just to kind of get you in the mood that there's going to be fantastic tales happening. No, I'm sorry, I just pause for a second because Jenny said, wet your whistle and I was trying to think if I could make a joke about your wing and your boots off the back of there.

And it's like, it's not so much whistles that James wetts. It's boots. It's too much of a stretch. So I've just given you a peek behind the curtain. It's boots not flutes. If it was, yeah, if it was wet your flute, then that would get somehow out of it with the rhyme. If the phrase was wet your flute, you're right. That would have been an open goal. I was just looking at my notes to really try and find something romantic from the Wooddig story.

And I saw the bit where it said, he spent the night and I was like, here we go. And then it's in a canon. So it's not, it's not sexy. No, I mean, the closest we got is he was picked up by some birds. He got woken up by the military. So he might have seen some privates. That's the closest we can get to romance of the military. Yeah.

Yeah. So romance. Very romantic. Yeah. Yeah. So, Alistair, are you going to score us? Let's score that, yes. Yeah, I know.

I'm an expert in all things romantic. Absolutely. Thank you. Apparently. Yeah. So, first up, naming now. Well, okay. All right.

Do you want to get your apologies in before I start passing judgment? Yeah. I hope my general, you know, I hope anyone who's listening to this, who has been offended by some of the noises that I made. If you've been affected by any of the sounds James has produced Yeah

There's a number at the end of the episode I hope none of those people have gone to France And tried to order unbeier And been rudely rebuffed And or Unpanochocular And been laughed out of the bolognjory Because of their bad pronunciation

Hey, at least I was making an effort Yeah I think that I don't think Welsh people are like that I don't think they do what the French do and pretend not to be able to tell what you're saying. Although Jenny did do that to you a minute ago. So maybe. I thought she was buffering.

Well, you know, I'm feeling bad about saying that Jenny doesn't speak Welsh. So I think I'm inclined to be more generous on the names because some of them were very good. There were some great characters. There's somebody with two apps in their name. Yeah, a double dad. Yeah, a double-datted chap. that's very good. The rare double

Shimmy Shimmy Wad. Shimmy Wad. With an A with a little roof. Yes. The little roof. Yeah, the little roof, Wickewildward. Any other good names

that I should take into consideration before I random a judgment? There's a place called Udigg. Yes. Udg. Wudig. W-D-G.

W-D-I-G. W-D-I-G. You don't often go a word starting with a W and then a D. No. Woodig, yeah. And wasn't there a place called Mouthwee? Yeah.

Did this Mouthwee? Because in the north east, that would just be like, don't we in your mouth. Did it Mouthwee? Yeah, just for that, I think it's got to be a four. Thanks. Because it's great advice as well as the name of a place in Wales.

Dinner's Mouthwee. No, dinner's Mouthwee. That sounds like, you know. Oh, no. Oh, no. You've come back from the pub. too late an hour after you should have and your partners are very annoyed with you.

Yeah, very, very cross. In a 1950s sitcom. In a 1950s sitcom in which someone whee's in a mouth. Someone's threatened to have their dinner being wee in a mouth. Yeah, I mean, it was a product of the times. It was a different time, this imaginary sitcom that I made up. Okay, then. Let's stop talking because I think I've talked myself out of that four

and let's move on to supernatural. Well, fairies, giant, witches. Owl that can do a bow and arrows. An Olympic level arrow in owl. Because it's gone into a giant's heart. Yeah. And I'm going to have to be brawny as well. So that's very supernatural.

I think the first story is more of a lie than it is a supernatural event. But it's a bit of fun, though. You want to hear that. You want to get tobacco in your eye. I don't. I really don't. You keep on talking like that. And the final tale was more a case of some local gangsters,

the worst godfather, if you like. Oh, tied it back in, yeah. Yeah. Committing murder. Casino. Good fern. That's obviously, because there's two L's. It's the only gangst of all that's got two L's in it,

so I'm going to say good fenn. So would it be the Godfather pod? Yeah, that's the best one. All right. Robert De Niro. Yeah, no, I've enjoyed that very much. Yeah, even no. De Niro is in The Godfather, yeah, fair enough.

Godfather pot, too. I've not seen it. I've only seen the first one. Okay, pause. We're going to pause the podcast and have a little watch along. I tried to get out of that watch along. But you, anyway. Okay, it's another four for supernatural.

I'm knocking a point off because of the lie. Oh, what? But it's a four. But, yeah, the final, the tail in the middle, it was a non-supernatural sandwich, but the middle tail contained so much supernatural. I feel like I can't give it less than a fall. Okay.

All right. All right. We should have gone for a, we should have gone for a rare bit rather than a sandwich. We'd just like put loads of... Yes, yeah. Loads of supernatural on the top of the bread. What's your third category?

Yeah, go on. Jenny, hit him, hit him with it. We could call it that old chestnut or the morale of the story. So can you sense the theme? Yes. Okay. Chestnut, I think, might need a little breaking down, but those are both kinds of mushroom. Yes.

So this is what I thought is because Gwilyad Kockion Malthoy, which is the red, the ginger robbers, that Gwilad means fungi. And so I was trying to tie all the stories together with something that matched. So then the fairy one, the fairies were so small that they used to hide under mushrooms. Is that how they got eaten by accident? Maybe it was a big accident. It was just a big accident. Yeah, the giant just wanted a ham and mushroom slice,

but he got a bit of fairy in with it, yeah. Accidental. Yeah. He accidentally ate those parents, but yeah, you know, he ate both parents, come on, once again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I accidentally eat my parents once, shame or me. Yes, exactly.

That famous saying. Yeah. So there's a surprising amount of mushrooms, considering we didn't mention them at all during the telling. Yes. And then the Shemi Wad was on mushrooms potentially. Yes. His stories were such tall tales.

He was flying. You would say that old chestnut, because he's sort of telling old tales that plagiarizing. He's plagiarizing. He's in plagiarism. So that isn't, and that works. That really works. He was flying chestnut. Agaric.

Oh. Oh. Just fly agarick's that mushroom that makes you, gives you, you, you. you know, you know what I'm talking about. And the final tale had more chest than expected. Yeah. Yes. So that works.

Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks for that. So that's a mushroom per tail, isn't it? Yeah. And we had three tails. Oh, no. So.

Oh, no. He's doing us on it. Is it? He's doing us on that. Should it be three? No, but you just said that there was a third mushroom there because the, I mean, a fourth one. There's two in the, two in the math. Mowthoi one.

Oh, okay. And she'd only did that curse because she was doing her nut. It's a chest nut. Okay, so we're counting two for her. Yeah. All right, then it's four. It's four. Yes.

So, what's the final category, Jenny? Oh, it is Little Boots to Phil. Oh. Wait a minute. I thought we dropped this story earlier on. I thought this was going to get cut. Come on, James. You know as well as I do.

that this will never be forgotten now that you've mentioned it. And I think it's probably going to be the main theme of all future episodes of the show where you weed down the funnel of the trouser leg. Yes. Was it long trousers or were you in shorts? No, they were jeans. Jeans.

So are there those, or the heavy denim is just going to count. Of course. Of course he was wearing denim as a child, weighing into his little denim wellingtons. Yeah. The heavy fabric carrying the urine with ease. Yeah.

Straight down into the boots. Yeah. An incredible story. I've really forgotten what I was talking about, just thinking about it. That just happened in Wales. That's all... But, James, what happens in Wales does not stay in Wales. We've got to say that in advance.

And it doesn't count retroactively. You can't apply that. No. Yeah, absolutely. So you had little boots to fill. and that doesn't Well I suppose the fairies probably have little boots So that tied in there

Yeah And Shemi Wad was a little man And his boots were what was tied onto the The bait Yes In one of the versions of the stories Yes In one of the versions of the story absolutely

And he was small enough to be picked up by a bird So yeah presumably his boots would have been quite small Yeah So that's pretty challenging You know what It's not worth five But I'm going to give it five Purely based on Hamlet

I... Thank goodness. It's trickling its way up to a five. I thought you're going to go two because there are only two boots. Well, they could have gone with number one, James. Thank your lucky stars that I enjoy a story about a child weeing himself. Oh, hmm. It's not pretty romantic overall.

Yes, yeah. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's Day. Is there anything you'd like to plug, Jenny? Are you gigging? Am I gigging, did you say? Are you gigging? I'm gigging a lot.

I've also started doing a substack. So, and when I'm a minute ago, I said to you, oh, check up my substack because I'm moving house and I've moved house lots of times. I don't know what a subsack is. Have you just opened one while we were doing the, while we were recording the podcast? It's some kind of blogging platform, right? Yes, that's what I thought it was, but I didn't, I wasn't sure if, blog was like a 1990s term that would get me laughed out of the internet.

I probably is. I don't know. I think we've all said things that people have laughed us about today. But while we were on, I got two new follows. And I was like, hello. And then I looked and they were both the same person and it's somebody that already follows me. But yeah, I haven't really publicized it very well.

so I don't know. It's the kind of thing that I don't want to do a huge mail-out because it's got swears in it. And it might get back to grandparents and relatives and that sort of thing. And they might find out that you swear. Is that really worried about it? Well, no, I think it won't go through their spam filters. Oh, yeah, yeah. You probably, yeah, maybe just don't swear in the first, like, 100 words or something.

Don't swear in the email. What? I don't understand. I don't understand either. You're saying that you're going to send an email out to people to say to look at your substack. Hey, you, you flipping chumps. Collie has got a substack. Subjects, re-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

Cramming your ears, dimwits. I'm out of here. The thing is my mailing list is like full of things like parents of ex-boyfriends. Where you're just like, I don't know if I want them to receive a thing going, listen up January, beep! Are you popular with ex-boy, are you popular with boyfriend's parents? I imagine you make quite a good impression on a parent. It's hard to say.

They would never tell me how much they hate me to my face, would they? No, they'd probably just lurk on the substack, just leaving me in comments. Just keep following me even though they already do. How are you with God parents? Interest. The saga of your 15 moves in 15 years, is that recounted on the substack? It's going to be in my February one. Great, so the listener will be able to check that out.

Have you got any hints and or tips for movers? Get a boyfriend when you're 29 and stay with them until you're 42. It's what I should have done. I'm kind of torn. On the one hand, I think we were a bit mean to you about the childhood story that you shared with us. Yeah. On the other hand, I wish I had said dribble denim.

And it's been bothering me ever since the recording that I didn't say dribble denim when you, of course, said that you were wearing jeans. Yes. I really put the willy and wellie. If the listener would like to add more jokes about your embarrassing childhood experiences, James. Is there some kind of forum in which they can do that?

Our Discord, which you get access to by joining us at patreon.com forward slash your menpod. And there'll be bonus episodes of The Tears. James, we live very wet there. Yeah, with tears. With tears. With tears. It's tears.