Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep8 - The North Aston Terror

Episode Date: March 5, 2026

England is notorious for its bad weather but at least an Englishman can shelter from the rain in his home/castle. Except in North Aston, where an unlucky bunch of Englishmen and Englishwomen (and one Englishdog) got caught in a shower indoors. And it was a shower of rocks! (Twist!) Taken from actual friend of the show Mike White's The Ox-Files. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Edited by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Laurence Hisee⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And contact Desjardin today. We'd love to talk, business. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. With me, James Shakeshaft. And me, Alistair. Okay, Alistair, I've got to tell, broadly local to me and will be slightly local to you when you are on one certain bit of your tour. Are we talking about Oxford, James? Yes, Oxfordshire.

And this is the North Aston Terror. Hey, Alistair, Beckett, King. Woo! Hey! Here he is. That's how I'm entering the podcast this time. Here I am. So, listen, this is part of the spooky tales from near where Alistair's tour is going to

and in some cases has already been. Has been, yes. Most people try and promote things in advance of the event. But I like to promote things that have happened in the past and it's too late for you to get tickets. Well, this one, we're in a weird hinterland at the moment because at the time of recording, you've not yet gone to this place. But at the time of broadcast, you will have gone to this place. I will have been to that place, yeah.

So it's very much a case of don't look for him. He's fallen into not being there anymore. It's just ticking off this catchphrase for this season, series. Yeah, okay. This, well, as a little, you're going to have an idea about which of the locations you're going to be going to. This is from, when I tell you in the name of the book that it's from, it's from the Oxfiles, weird and wonderful tales of Oxfordshire. Great book.

by actual friend of the show, Mike White. Mike White. Who, when we did a show in Oxford last year, and he took me around the gubbins of an Oxford college. He took you around the gubbins. I saw all the gubbins. For all I know, that is an actual part of an Oxford college, a gubbins. Probably.

Yeah, that's the oldest bit. That's the most protected bit. But it's, I mean, it's they're weird. It's weird. I didn't know that the students, they stay in the gubbins the whole time. You know, like normally... Surely they're allowed to leave occasionally.

Oh, you can go out to pick fights with locals, sure. And smash up a bar whilst wearing top pattern tails or whatever they did. You know who I'm talking about? But like, you know a uni, like you do the first year in halls and then you get a flat and you continue your sort of transfer from childhood to grown up? Yes. Which is the other function of university. Not so at Oxford colleges.

You stay in those, I think it's literally called cloister. isn't it? You stay in a cloistered scenario, like on site in the weird little medieval garret for the whole three years or whatever that you're there. And then you either become a politician, a repressed lecturer or a stand-up comedian, as far as I know. Or that drug dealer. Which is the drug dealer who went to Oxford? Yeah, the fame, Howard Marks. He went to Oxford, I didn't realize. Yeah, and he dealt drugs out of his window. And I think I know which window it was. Oh.

Yeah, it's a smart. Well, that explains how we got a book deal off the back of being a drug dealer. I always thought that was weird. Yeah. It's who you know. Mm-hmm. But this story, but, oh, actually, quick advert, whilst Alistair will have fallen into not being there anymore by the time you hear this, we are returning to Oxford on the 1st of

July as part of the QED festival. I'm not sure if tickets are live yet. I'm not sure if we're allowed to say that yet, but it's going to happen. Oh, 2026. 2026. Yeah, James dropping some secret hints there. That may not even be legal information yet. Yeah.

And it certainly is more than a hint. Yeah, I know we're definitely doing it. But Alistair, when this comes out just as a quick heads up, it's going to be the 5th of March, you're going to be in Ton Ton. Oh, yes. The Home of the Meat Dragon? Is it? Yes.

Sorry, I was thinking of that thing that they ride in Star Wars. Is that called a Tonton? Yeah, is that the way you said it like that? Yes. I think both me and Ron did the same joke at the same time with internet lag about Taunton that we thought it smelled bad on the outside. Ah, brilliant. I was in Taunton when the, do you remember when the Aurora Borealis crept south? Yes. And everyone could see it. Yes. And you could see it in Taunton, but I was in a motel next to a motorway. And it was lit with bright floodlights. I don't know if I've moaned about this on the podcast before. I think you might have. There was nowhere you could walk, so I couldn't go. away from the light to see.

Wasn't there, I can't remember where it was, but wasn't there somewhere where someone mistook a brightly lit motel for the Aurora. Yes, it was probably me standing outside the travel lodge. Yeah. It was the glowing sign of a Premier Inn. But, Alist, this, we are simply talking about 2026 and also 24 or 5

whenever that Aurora thing happened. But I want to take you way back to November, 1591. Now I know... Oh yeah, the early 90s. I know. Yeah, we've had a few ghost tales recently. You're not the biggest fan of ghosts. I like ghosts. I just don't believe in ghosts.

Okay, well here's something you can believe in and be scared of. The weather. I do believe in the weather. Yes. And also a mysterious big dog. And potentially a crossover to the wider Lawman Cinematic Universe of one of our strangest cryptids that we've ever chatted about. Not the big slug. Well, I don't want to squire. That's my favourite one. But this is the North Aston Terror.

And this comes from a PAMPth that was published in 1592 by Edward White, with the title of, A true discourse of such strange and wonderful accidents has happened in the house of M. George Lee of North Aston in the county of Oxford, being in truth and a matter of such special weight and consequences seldom hath the like been heard of before. They knew how to do a title in those days. They knew how to use all the words in those days. Do you think you were paying by the letter?

No. And the, presumably not. Yeah, fair enough. Definitely not. Apart from, they do the thing where that caused me to stumble. They do the M dot, which I only know from Puroro. Usually that's Monsieur, but I guess it means Mr. I know, that's what I nearly said, monsieur then.

But yeah, Mr. So they're, they're scrimping on the letters. Anyway, so, yes, this happened in. North Aston, which is a village, about 10 miles north of Oxford, seven miles south of Bambry. You going to Bambry on the tour? No, I didn't think so. We're getting a couple of digs into Bambry there, James. Yeah, of course I am. They haven't got the coffee factory anymore. What are they got? What are they got? They got quite a nice canal, I think. Watch it, James. We're going to have to offer

Banbury a right to reply in a future episode if you keep zinging them like that. They can publish it the Bambory cake, which is the local newspaper. I got actually, I went, Bambri was my cinema. Bambri's where I saw Batman Returns, Jurassic Park. That's two separate films. Batman returns to Jurassic Park. Back to the futures two and three, I saw there. Wow.

Yeah. Wow, and still you disband Banbury like that. We used to go to the Deep Pan Pizza Co. That was tied into the whole cinema excursion. What a time. Then I moved on to go into Oxford. And that's where I saw Batman and Robin. An equally good film.

All of which are films. So North Aston, according to Doomsday Book, it was overlorded by Edward of Salisbury, The Doomsday Book. The Doomsday Book. Edward of Salisbury had the overlordship. That's a pithy title for something that is very, very dull. We're aware as the pamphlet we're talking about

is kind of the opposite. The Doomsday Book, yes. Edward of Salisbury held the overlordship, And this passed down eventually to Margaret Longispe, which is how I'm pronouncing that name. And that passed to a daughter and a son-in-law who was deposed by a party of barons and executed. And the manor was taken over by Baron Hugh Dispenser, the younger. A Hugh dispenser. Yeah, there's a person.

Someone needs to refill the Hugh dispensers. This one's out. Get Grant in. Get Dennis. Those are the only... I spent ages trying to think of Hughes. Walpole is maybe another

Hugh that has come up on the podcast. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. And yeah, there are no other hues. That's all the hues. Oh, huge, huge jacked man. Huge jacked man.

Yes. Yes, yeah. I think it was a Tracy Morgan thing from 30 Rock where he kept referring to him as Jack Human. And that tickled me so much. I went also to the Wikipedia for the village. It doesn't have a controversy section.

Ah! What about personal life? There's some meaty stuff in there sometimes. No. It does have a climate. Climate? Yeah, so I thought, well, that's got to be interesting. Alistair, listener, I thought wrong.

All you can get from the climate section is it has mild differences between its highs and lows, an adequate rainfall. Right, so it's in England. is what we know. But weirdly, it has this thing that I'd never heard of before in the next sentence, which is like this classification for types of weather things. And it's called like Mid-Oceanic. That's how wet England is.

Even fully inland, it's like being in the middle of the sea. Wow. Mid-oceanic. Yeah. That sounds wetter than it must be. It can't mean that wet. But the weather we want, Alice. is inside and it's rocks.

Falling rocks inside? Yes. On the 29th of November, 1591, George Lee experienced diverse stones of contrary bigness being violently flung into his home, reigning down inside his farmhouse. Not stones of different big neths. Oh no, I hate it when things are of contrary big neffs.

Between one and 22 pounds. Wow, hold on. 22. That's a lot, right? Yeah, that's a rock. That is a rock. That's a kill-some one-sized rock. Yeah.

Raining down inside his home. Yeah. I've never heard of such a thing. And a quote, No man was able to conjecture whence they came, saving they beheld them fall, either through or the roof of the hall,

which calls the gentleman, his wife, with his father, and the rest of his friends, to be greatly affrighted and terrified. Now, fortunately, no one got hit by enemies. No one was hurt, but he got his friends round and neighbours to try and work out what was going on.

Yeah. And they got a serving man named John Yeoman's. A little bit of a straightforward name for a serving man, John Yeoman. He's smart. He hides himself in an alcove behind the fire or next to the fire saying he's going to keep watch. He conceals himself among a plate of crackers. Yeah, 45 minutes he's there. And then he's startled by noises and he cries out in fear.

And when the rest of the household come in, there's eight or nine stones on the floor. Okay. He did it. Well. Mystery solved. He did it. A few, a couple of weeks later, on the feast on the feast of Stephen, which to modern is Boxing Day, to Americaneers, the day after Christmas day, to some places in Europe, Christmas

day. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So the owner in the house, Lee, remember George Lee? Yes. He got his cousin Giles round, the vicar. And they were going to play cards. And it says, and as Mike describes, an argument.

again over who should deal. So Giles, the vicar, suggested pulling the cards and whoever got the knave, they're going to be the dealer. And as he said, that massive stone smashed into the wall behind him. Wow. And Giles said, the first knave have been dealt here indeed. Wow, that's real cool as a cucumber quipping from Giles. I see why someone chucked a stone at him. Yeah, what an unlikable guy. You don't want someone who's cool in a crisis, but you don't someone, You don't want him to be completely aloof. They do decide not to play cards and start to pray for a bit. But the stones continued.

Lee's sister Anne and her maid were staying, presumably for the Christmas period. They were pelted with stones whilst in the courtyard, and they moved inside and the deluge followed them, until John Yeoman's called out, If thou be a good fellow, do us no arm, for we come not hither to do thee any. and he's played by Finci from the office. Wow.

Yeah. So some of them go up to one of the bedrooms, two more stones fall on them in the bedrooms. One did hit someone, George Wright on the shoulder, but fortunately he was unhurt. Presumably, that was not one of the 10 kilo ones. Yeah. So still Christmas time,

a couple of neighbours come to visit. William Hwing and Richard Hicks, Dickie Hicks, Dickie Hicks came to visit and they were disappointed not to witness any events. So Wing started getting a bit cocky. He's also played by Ralph Edison. He said, Jack, if that'll be a good fellow, fling down a coit or two that my companions and I

may go and play at Coitz. And then two rings shaped stones were thrown towards them. Really? He asked specifically for Coitts and then it flung a torus at him. A double donut. You can't normally do a request. when you're dealing with poltergeists? No, no. And then Whing asked for two more, and two more came.

One of them was identified as having come from the garden of the house because it was covered in grass stains and recognisable. Interesting. All right, interesting, because I would have thought poltergeist stones were sort of put together out of the bare elements more than lifted from a nearby garden. That seems more like the work of a person to me. Dickie Hicks then says,

he doesn't want coitts, he wants something else. And then a big piece of mortar, as if it had been pulled from some old wall, fell to the ground with sufficient force to break into powder. It's Alistair, yes, it simply must be dust. Wow. Mmm. Mm.

But then they did go outside and play coitts with the stones. Okay. All right. That's the end of that bit. The next night, a small group gathered, and they were trying to keep watch. One of the maids falls asleep, but he's woken up by a clod of clay falling on her nose.

And the next morning, Lee, sent for John Yeomens again. And as he entered the little court before the hall, he bespied a great black thing in the likeness of a dog standing upright against the hall door, as if it listened to what was done in the house. Right, that'll be the devil, probably. Well, he gets his stick, and he shouts, What are thou?

In the name of God speak, if there be a man speaker, I will compare. Hell thee. And just to be you, this is John Yoman's doing this. John Yomans. Yeah, because all the characters sound like Finchie from the office, so it's hard to remember. Yes, yes, being played by Finchie from the office, yes. And he struck at the beast repeatedly, and the animal retreated to the corner of the courtyard, climbed up a pile of stones and escaped over the garden wall.

And did anyone other than the guy who I said I thought was behind this see this happen? No, but also in this case, I think that was just a dog, mate. from the sound of things. Sounds like a dog was pouring at the door and then he hit that. He shouted at the dog to speak. It didn't. So he hit it and it ran away.

Very dog. That's very dog coded. If it looked like a dog, it doesn't speak like a human like a dog. Apart from the one that said sausages, then it be a dog. You should do your own pamph, James. That's very profound.

Lee, George Lee, tries to get some sleep because they've all been up all night because remember that maid got him. by the clod of clay. They'll try and get some sleep. She tries to get some sleep on the floor of his chamber. I'm guessing from context is reasonably standard.

But she gets hit by a stone again. A stone hits her in the shoulder. And the only person in the room is John? No, it's George Lee. Oh, okay. Sorry. And she moves and she gets hit by another stone. And then she looks at the fire in the fireplace.

And it says it, now she is all. so played by Ralph Finnerce from the office. Because she describes the blazing the fireplace saying it began to flame very strangely, suddenly very dark and dim, flaming forth into sundry changes of colour. But ever in the end, it would be marvellous blue or marvellous black, black flames. Wow. I think, I think Sean Bean might have wandered into the booth as well for some of these. But yeah, she huddled at the bottom of the bed and saw the bedclothes being pulled away by an unseen hand.

Now this woke up George Lee, and then they start to hear the sound of loud footsteps from above. So George Lee gallantly asked the maid to go and have a look. And how would that have sounded if Ralph Innocon had said it? Maid, will you go and check what those ghostly footsteps are doing up there? Beautiful. And she goes up, and there is a... Now, these are Mike's words.

And I think they're technical terms. There was a naked sword up there, which was thrust through the window and hanging from the sill by its hilt. Okay. That's cool and unexpected. Mm. And then Lee comes and Gallant Lee comes and checks it out once the maid has already given it a first look. They look around the other rooms, and they find a number of bolsters have been thrown from one of the beds onto the floor. So.

Now, can I just check? Bolsters are those cylindrical cushions that are useless and for nothing, right? Yes. You get on like a hotel bed and you just have to immediately take off the bed because there's just nothing. What are they for? Is there a thing there for? I don't know what it is. I think it's for lower back support, Alistair.

Lower back support? It's the kind of thing I could use. Yes. I'll get a bolster. Get a bolster. That's what it's for to bolster you up, I guess. I think it is to prop you up in bed. Is it if you're in bed, like Charlie from Charlie and the chocolate factory's grandparents, if you all live in bed.

Yeah. And you need to maintain a sitting position. You need a bolster for that. Exactly. I guess so. Anyway, these have been chucked on the floor. And so what Lee did, he got some chalk and he drew around them like they were dead bodies in the 90s, I'm going to say. You don't really see that much anymore, do you?

I don't know if they ever did it. The chalk found way. I think the chalk outline thing is a kind of a myth perpetrated by TV and films. Because was it a way of letting people know someone have been murdered without having to, without showing a dead body? Oh, that's an interesting idea. I think people may have done it occasionally, but I don't think it was ever standard to just draw around the body.

When you say just draw around the body, it feels disrespectful. Like do they colour it in? They do mark stuff, though, don't they? They mark the location of things. You see a little yellow triangles with numbers on them all over crime scenes, don't you? It does call to mind mini golf sometimes. Crazy golf, particularly crazy golf. Very crazy in some cases.

Yeah. Anyway, so he drew around them. They go out of the room, come back in, and the cushions haven't been moved, but the chalk has gone. So he remarks it, does another test, remarks it, leaves for 30 minutes, comes back, the lines are gone again. This time, he does a really thick line around with the chalk. and they go away, come back, the chalk marks are still there, but next to them is the unmistakable imprint of an animal's paw. That was identified as being that of a young bear.

No, no, no, it wasn't. And nearby, the imprint of a hawk's talon. Absolutely not the print of a bear's paw. I'm thinking Griffin. It sounds to me like, what was the kids' TV show? Was it Brave Star? where there was a, like, a Native American totem pole, and someone had the power of a bear and of a hawk.

Speed of a puma. Is the eyes of the hawk, ears of the coyote. Duck. Ears of some, Spock? Yeah. Some with good ears. So it sounds to me like you've got some kind of shape shifter. And they were mid-shape shift.

Yes. They went from bear to hawk. Left leg of a bear. Right leg of a bear. Oh, this isn't practical at all. Well, later, that same day, that maid saw a hair sitting beside one of the garden walls, not moving, and she approached it until she was within touching distance. It's still not moving.

So far so mixomatosis. Yes. As she gets right up to it, it vanishes before her eyes. Hmm. Yeah, that's not mixamotosis. No, I don't really believe this, man. Maid. This maid is seeing quite a lot of exciting stuff.

You, in this respect, are very close to George Lee because he, even all the other stuff that's happened, found it very difficult to credit this tale until they found a hair's footprint at the spot the girl had observed the animals. Well, yeah, I believe that a hair was there. You believe in hairs now? I just don't believe it vanished before her very eyes. The footprint doesn't believe, doesn't... What?

That doesn't prove anything. Well, later that day, they saw... You're off the case, George Lee. They saw the hair again, and it says here, one of the family's spaniel dogs made more haste away from the hair than to follow her,

which made him think, ah, yeah, maybe that is a bit of a spooky hair. And so the dog there was played by Ralph Innocon. Yes, the dog was played by Ralph Finnis. Oh, they're everyone playing it. It's like, what's her name, doing that Dracula thing, doing Draclia.

Draclia? The woman out of Wicked is playing all the parts in Dracula at the minute. Is she? I see. It's like that. But with Ralph Finnerson and a story about some stones and a dog. Okay, so by the time

we got to the 6th of January, so I think this is all happening over this Christmas period, which is old Christmas Day, the stones ceased, but they did start up again on the 15th of February, and this time they were accompanied by small puddles of blood. Oh!

Appearing on the surface of the family dining table. Very unpleasant. They wipe them away. They come back. They didn't know what caused them. So, don't worry, Alistair. You said that you weren't happy with their investigations. A new investigator has entered the scene. Okay, here we go. Sir Anthony Cope, the high sheriff of Oxfordshire came, interviewed everyone in the house, examined the evidence, sent men up on the roof to have a look, found nothing. All right. He's a good man, Cope. He seems level-headed. I'm enthusiastic about this. He couldn't find anything. He and his party departed, none the wiser. That's the end of that. Wow, come on. End of investigation. I don't know.

Okay, a guy, Thomas Power. He blew this case wide closed. He did nothing. Okay, Thomas Power and three friends come along. Tommy Power? Tommy Powers and his three pals. Tommy Power and friends for one night only, come to stay at the farm because they want to see it.

They want to solve the puzzle. They became offended and scoffed when Lee warned. them that they would encounter terrifying strangeness. They were offended by that, were they? They were offended, but... People are too touchy in the 1590s. Tommy Power?

People are too easily offended. Yeah. Yeah. You can't go to a haunted house and then be offended that the host tells you it would be frightening. It's going to be scary. But then what happened? Between 11 and 12 of the clock,

what they saw or heard, I cannot tell. But their former boldness was now converted into fearful trembling and making what best they could out the house. I think they never looked behind them until they came to the parsonage where they're not loudly until they were let in. Yeah, they got scared. Wow. I'm not surprised they got scared. It was terrifying strangeness.

Other little bits and bobs, a local man took one of the stones away and was immediately struck with excruciating pain in his eyes. My eyes! He's not played by Ralph Inneson. Wait a minute, yeah, I forgot. Sorry. Very weird, my eyes. He cried. It's like the film Men.

There's just one character that isn't played by him. Yes. is a chore de force. But that was the only guy that happened to. Other people took the stones away. Someone took a stone etched his name on it and took it home as a souvenir, but was not struck blind.

Another thing that someone said happened was the house was plagued by blazing lights. Sometimes such a light that the all else was thought to be a fire. And then one final thing happened, Alistair. So Lee's wife goes out to the molting house to check on the beer. there's a big molting tub with a blanket on top of it

to allow the malt to do its thing. Yes, yes, obviously. We all know a lot about molting and how it works. Yeah, I don't need to explain it now. Yes, just that's the usual molting blanket. But the unusual thing was she saw something moving around as if there was something underneath that blanket. There's something in the beer!

That is non-standard malting behaviour. She runs away, she gets the mistress, The two women returned, and they pull away the blanket and observe an ugly black thing come creeping forth and falling to ground and gliding along floor to door. Oh no. A beer lizard. Some sort of slug-like creature. The creature was so horrifying. A booze devil.

To offer any kind of description. So they get some workmen in, I guess we'll work there already. Sorry, it was so horrifying they couldn't describe it at all. Well, they got a guy in and he describes it as being like a great black dog with the face of an ape, but without legs or tail. So, really just the torso of a dog. I'm now a bit worried about that dog that appeared earlier. Yes. Has anyone seen that dog since then?

I don't think so. It retreated to the corner. of the room and when they had the courage to approach it, there was no trace of it. Only the marks of its passing on the floor. Does that mean poops? Or a slimy trail. Or a poopy trail. It doesn't mention the googly eyes that the slug had for before.

I think that might have been that slug. As a baby. A little booze baby. A little booze baby. Maybe it's a baby. And the author of the pamphlet sums it up with when Mustard, who was also Playboy. when Master George Lee was in the house then fell the stones with violent force

and as it were followed him some time but in May last his life ended and since then nothing at all have been heard or seen but all is as quiet as the heart can require so the stones ended with George Lee and they don't mention the slug thing again they don't mention the slug

Right. Well, I think someone was behind all that, but I don't know who. You don't think the stones were falling out of the sky inside? Absolutely not. No, I don't think it was really raining stones inside. The fact that some of the stones came directly from the garden, that is the end of any sense of the supernatural for me. If it's just come from outside, someone has picked that up and then thrown it into the air. Fair enough. All right, then. But why? Well, I do think the, I do think the Coates players seem, like cheeky wags.

So I think they were probably just mixing things up a little bit. Dicky Hicks. Yeah, that's Dicky Hicks. Classic Dickie. Okay, well, with that in mind, would you like to score? Yes, yes, I will. Okay, first of all, then, names. There's some good names, Finchie from the office, Ralph Inison.

Yeah, John Yeoman. Those names appear a lot. John Yeoman's, yes, a very straightforward name. Well, Dicky Hicks. Dicky Hicks, a fine name. Billy Hing. How is Hwing spelled? W-H-I-N-G.

Oh, like wing. But it's pronounced H-H-N-W-W the wrong way around in my pronunciation. Willie H-Wing and Dickie Hicks. Yeah, no, a fine pair of lads, obviously. Margaret Longest P and of course, the Hugh dispenser.

And the Hugh dispenser. I've forgotten about Margaret Longest P which I've no idea how. how that is felt. L-O-N-G, E-S, P, E with a little line on it, and then another E. Longest P. Pay, maybe, but yeah, longest P, very good. Longest P, and yes, the Hugh dispenser.

And the Hugh dispenser. I forgot about the Hugh dispenser. Yeah, no, that's going to bring it up to a four, I think, the Hugh dispenser. I could run a few more off. Hello. No, that's too many hues. It's hues. It's hues everywhere.

Okay, then, supernatural? I'm going to have to go low, I think, James. I don't think any of this happened. I mean, I do think it happened, but I think someone saw a dog, someone saw a rabbit that maid had a dream about seeing black fire. I mean, that's classic dream stuff, isn't it?

Because you wouldn't be able to see blackfire at night. Hey, what about the chalk? Well, someone rubbed. out the chalk. And you could easily draw an animal's footprint in chalk with your finger, couldn't you? You can explain anything like that. Oh, someone was a ghost. I'm sorry, now you put it like that.

You've persuaded me. It is supernatural. I know this isn't a podcast where we try and work out what's real and what isn't, but this definitely isn't really supernatural. It's a series of pranks. I think possibly perpetrated by John Yeoman's. who didn't like George Lee. Well, you know, they said, oh, I'll hide in a cupboard,

and then they hear him screaming and they come and there's rocks everywhere. Well, he put them there then, surely. That's the most reasonable explanation. Yeah, all right, all right, Sherlock. Yeah, no, that's fair enough. It does seem like he did that. It really does seem like he did.

There's another bit in there, which is sort of an explainer, obviously is referred to in the pamphlet. That bit, that bit when George Lee took, made the maid sleep on his floor and then she gets hit by some stones and then she goes upstairs and there's a sword sticking out the window. Oh, I forgot about the sword.

The sword is quite good. It says that Lee sent Yeomens to check on a flock of sheep while he tried to get some sleep. So it doesn't mention why that doesn't come back into it, those sheep. So it's just relevant that Yeomens wasn't there when all this happened. Is that the...

Yeah, and he'd been sent off. And then that weird thing of having them maids. Is that normal? The maids would sleep on your floor? Maybe, maybe. And he's also, he can't go up to the room. I left this out, but I'm, I shouldn't have because he couldn't go up to the room because he didn't have any clothes on. And the maid gets the clothes down from that room. And then he dresses and comes and has a lot. Why, why, I mean, why doesn't he keep his clothes in the room he sleeps in? Posh, isn't it? I do wonder, is the maid sleeping on the floor a bit of a cover for something else that was going on.

Maybe yeomans didn't approve. But also she... 10 kilo rocks at anyone who came to the house. I don't know. I don't think we can trust any of these accounts. If only that they... that proper authorities had investigated it thoroughly. Anthony Cope, the high sheriff.

Yeah, come on, cope. He didn't know what's going on. More like Anthony can't cope. Yeah, too right. Pathetic, yeah. So that's very disappointing. Yeah, obviously. The slug was clearly the devil himself crawling out of a vat of beer.

Yes. So it's two because there was a genuine sighting of Satan in slug form. That's all, that's only worth two. That was clearly real. That's worth two, yeah. But the rest of it is, no, pathetic. Right, then third category is, it's Christmas. Yes, because it was Christmas.

It was just a bit of a fun Christmas thing, apart from the, the bit that happened in February. Yeah, yes, exactly. And of course, we're putting this out in March. Yeah, March. March, yeah, perhaps one of the most Christmassy months. Yeah, I think so. It's just, like, Bublae is so busy this month.

Is he? Is he? Busy boobles. Busy boobs. Busy, busy boobes. Don't Google busy boobes. Yeah, it's a bit of Christmas fun, isn't it? It is, it is, yeah.

It is just a, I guess that song by Noddy Holder and Slade is just about a family getting together and having a good old Christmas fun. Whereas this is more about a household just throwing rocks at each other. Everyone has their own Christmas tradition? Yeah, I guess so, yes. It finished on the 6th of December, 6th of January. It finished on the 6th of January, which is old Christmas. That's old Christmas day, yeah. And I don't know.

Yeah, it's just a Christmas stoning. It's just a classic Christmas tale. of stones. Hmm. I have to say it's perhaps not as Christmasy as some stories I've heard. Well, that's why I've waited until March to tell it.

So the category is, it's Christmas. It's a bit of Christmas fun. Come on. Yeah, I guess I guess an evil slug crawling out of the beer. That's pretty festive. What could be more festive than

hitting a dog? Yeah, I actually, I'm James, I actually think it's that Christmasy, this story. But they were on the feast, on the feast of Stephen. Yeah, it happened at Christmas time, yes. The vicar came round to play cards and someone chucked a rock at him. Yeah, a sarcastic vicar came round. It's Christmas.

A Roger Moore like vicar raised an eyebrow at a haunting. I think we've already got a knave here. Bang, another rock hits him in the head. Dead. Dead. Stone that smug vicar. Yeah, I think it's a three out of five because I don't really. First of all, it's not Christmas now when we're talking.

Nor is it Christmas when this goes out. And it definitively didn't become a family Christmas tradition to chuck rocks at each other because he died in May and it again. All right. All right. I'm sorry, it was a good story, James. I feel like I've been punishing you with these scores. But you chose the categories.

That's fine. Okay, the final one is that this is a pun. You're going to have to look out for it. All right. I'm ready. The Innocence. Oh, I see. see.

Because of that. Is it the film adaptation of Turn of the Screw? Yes, the innocents. But in this case, what you did, James. It's a lot of Ralph Innocence's. More innocents than Hughes. Maltrow innocent. Yeah.

Oh, man, if his middle name's Hugh. Are you actually going to look that up to see, I mean, the likelihood of his middle name being Hugh is so slim. Michael. Michael. So close. Well, you let us down. Fernley Whitting stall.

Fernley Whitting stall. Yes. Are you on a list of famous hues? Oh, disgraced. Famous disgraced hues. Oh, there are some bad hues on there. There are some pretty bad hues. The innocents.

There were a lot of Ralph Innocence. Moldo. Yes. Yeah. Multiple innocence. It's like you wipe an innocent away and another would just reappear on the table. It was like that bit. in the Matrix when Neo is mobbed by a load of Ralph Innesons.

Yes, yes. They're all piling, looking quite plasticy in CGI in retrospect. Yeah. Towards him. Mr. Anderson. My name is Neo. That's because he's also playing. I would watch it entirely.

That might be the version of the Matrix. I finally enjoy the fully Ralph Inneson version of the Matrix. What if I told you? The Matrix re-innocent. The Matrix, Ralph Innocent. There is no spoon. It's got to be five out of five for The Innocence. Yes.

Well done, James. And each number is played by Ralph Innocent. Each number is played. Like it's number box or somewhere. So well done. Yeah, you redeemed yourself at the end. Perfect. Your commitment to doing Ralph Innocon's voice over and over again paid off.

Absolutely terrifying, yes. Especially if you're afraid of rocks. Yeah, and liars. And big slug creatures. And Ralph Innocon. If you made it to the end, and if you weirdly want more, you go to patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod, and you join us. Thank you very much to everyone who already does support us,

and thank you very much to Lawrence for editing this episode. Thank you, Lawrence. Thanks to all the people that's going to see Alastra on tour, I think. Yes, actually. Thank you to the real heroes.