Loremen Podcast - Loremen S7Ep9 - The Hermit of Barnard Castle

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

No, not THAT Barnard Castle. This is Barnard Castle the castle not Barnard Castle the town. And neither have got anything to do with eye tests, ok? There's another funny little man that puts this town/castle on the map and James tells Alasdair all about him. Plus, one freaky ghost from Glowrowram. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠See Alasdair On Tour in 2026!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Shorts edited by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Laurence Hisee⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from Days of Yore. With me, James Shakeshaft. And me, Alistair, I am absolutely tailoring the current episodes specifically to your life. Yes, you're following my itinerary, like a hawk, follows an itinerary. If the hawk had access to the internet and could use its feathers as fingers for clicking. So what have you got for me, James? I've got a ghoul from Glorowram.

What? And the hermit of Barnard Castle. Whoa there, James. How you doing? Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Where are you going, James?

I'm just pulling up on my horse. All right. There's you. Whoa there. Let's just dismount and start the recording, shall we? I don't wish to start the episode with sort of a worry about hate crimes. But, hey, would you be saying, whoa, there if I was a centaur? I've got to say, James, of all the things I thought you were going to end that sentence with,

I just wasn't prepared for, would you say that if I were a centaur? No? Whoa. No, I suppose I'd probably, to answer your question, nay, I would. not say that if you were a centaur. Calling people naysayers. What's so bad about that? This is casual centaurist.

You're doing some great horse puns on the hoof there, James. Oh, lovely. Because again, and then there's like, I'm not going to take any bull from you, and the minor to us like, what's that, mate? What you're saying, mate? Is today's story about a centaur? Is that what you're telling me?

No, not at all. No, not even slightly. It's about Alistair, this is part of the ongoing series. Hey, there's some places Alistair's going to on his comedy tour. And so I'm using that as a launch pad for some law. That's the title of the epithily named episode, which is consistent and has not changed. No, it hasn't. So there's no need to go back and check what it was called in previous episodes.

It's always been called that. Yes, and it always will be called that. But Alistair, I believe the weekend just after this is, episode comes out, which is in March 2026. You're going to what I consistently misread as Bernard Castle, but there plays Barnard Castle. Barnard Castle, yes, somewhere on the 14th of March. Which is in the Palatinate County O Durham. Bebe, be, bough.

The Palatinate County of like the Warrior Monks, or was it something called? To use its full title. Yeah, that sounds right. I'm sure I've seen that on a sign while driving. Or, as most people say, Durham. Durham, yeah, Durham. That is confusing because that is also the name of the county town. It is, yes, Durham, Durham.

Durham. It's the start of the Pink Panther music. It's so Durham, they named it Durham. But, Alistair, I don't know if you know Durham well. In fact, I do know it quite well. Do you know Barnard Castle well? I've gigged in Barnard Castle before. It's a well-known spot.

Probably best known to the listeners. Probably best known for the Bose Museum. Yeah, the listeners will immediately have started doing Bow's Museum jokes. It has its 18th century Silver Swan Automaton. Oh, I've never seen that. That sounds brilliant. Oh, my gosh. I love an automaton.

It's a Silver Swan automaton. It's from the 18th century, and I'm just getting to the Wikipedia description of it. I mean, some of the suggestions I'm getting, type it in Silver Swan, one of which is genuinely, Silver Swan's near me? That's fine if you are in Barnard Castle. No, the Silver Swan Automaton. When the clockwork is wound, the music box plays and the glass rods rotate giving the illusion of flowing water. The Swan turns its head from side to side

and also preens itself. After a few moments, the Swan notices the swimming fish and bends down to catch and eat one. The swan's head then returns to the upright position and the performance, which lasts about 32 seconds, is over. Wow. Yeah, this is... I think I'm looking at pictures of them, I think I've seen it before.

And also, fair play to that swan going on tour with only 32 seconds of gold, because that's all you really need, isn't it? A good 32 seconds. Apparently, it's now, because it's so old and they want to sort of preserve it, it only does it once a day, twice on holidays.

So it only does a matinee. Wow. But it's big. It's like swan size. Yeah, yeah. Yes. It's beautiful. And it was, of course,

invented by Merlin. Merlin? Yeah, John Joseph Merlin. I see he did there. From 1735 to 1803, well, he wasn't an inventor for that amount of time. He was alive for that amount of time. That was his living times.

Which 1735 to 18303. is for the 90s kids among us, neighbours and a little bit of the news. Oh, you got me there, James. Didn't know where you were going once again. Fun fact, well, I bet you didn't know where John Joseph Merlin was going. Do you want to know one of his other invention? No, yeah, go on.

Other inventions, inline skates. He invented inline skates. He invented in line skates. And I read a description, and I unfortunately can't find the exact quote, but I believe it was a Wikipedia. But in essence, someone describes him at a party, going around on his inline skates, whilst playing the violin, and then he just smashes into a mirror and breaks his violin, breaks his skates, breaks the mirror.

By accident, or was that the act? Because that's making the swan's act sound terrible by comparison. He hadn't, I can't remember the exact phrasing, but, Basically, he'd vetted the skates. He hadn't invented skate brakes. Ah, I see. I thought it was that he thought someone else had also invented skates and was coming towards him. And he was like, what are you stolen my idea?

And you're playing the fiddle. That's my act. And so he was hurrying over to confront that person. Like a YouTube video of a cat? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Like when an animal sees its own reflection and becomes infuriate. Infurious, a definitely real word.

I used her. Just a little bit of extra info. This guy also developed musical instruments. One was a piano forte with a six octave span. I think that's just a bigger piano. I'm afraid I'm ignorant. I don't know how many octaves pianos normally have. Well, he apparently did this before the guy came along and made the grand piano,

which has a five and a half octave span. Right. Well, so it's bigger than a grand piano. Yeah, it's Piano Maxi. Piano XL. Yeah. Venty. Mm. Forget your piano grande.

Moldo Octave. He made some cool stuff for people with disabilities. He made wheelchairs, self-propelled wheelchairs, which evidently hadn't been around before, and whisked cards for the blind. But Barnard Castle, Wikipedia, Alistair, does not have a controversy section. Well, there was one, big controversy that the British listeners will know.

It does have a notable visitors section. Okay. Now, I just feel like, I think I've mentioned it probably on the podcast before. It's annoying because everybody in the rest of the UK thinks the Barnard Castle must be a castle because it's called Barnard Castle. Yes. But of course, it's a town. With a castle.

With a castle called Barnard Castle. But the town is also called Barnard Castle. It's like a Durham, Durham situation. The only people that don't think that are the people that live. live in the town of Corf Castle and are like, yeah, mate. Yeah, exactly. Tell me about it. The people that live in Castleton are just glad that people are referring to it as the home of the devil's ass.

But the notable visitors section, it talks about how Walter Scott went there, Sir Walter Scott, apologies, and wrote, he begins his epic poem, Rokeby with a man standing on guard on the round tower of the Barnard Castle Fortress. Very atmospheric. Also, Charles Dickens, Chuckie Dick, visited, was one of the other notable visitors. And then there's like a list. Wordsworth, Defoe, Hillair Bellock. Every one of them, a genius, a much loved, I would say British hero. And Hiller Belloc, the Indiana Jones Nazi.

Oh, yeah, yeah, is that what, no, is that what he's called? Belloc. Oh, yeah. Anyway, they haven't written it, but I think if I were to like, you know, sometimes they write stuff in a website in the same color as the background of the website and you can only sit like when they do spoilers sometimes. Yeah. I think if you were to like control A on that bit before the next paragraph there's just in italics the word sigh. And it talks about how Dominic Cummings famously visited there during lockdown. I hated this story because I didn't

think it was funny at the time. And now you can't say, you can't mention Barnard Castle without people being like, oh, you're going for an eye test? Americans won't know what we're talking about. A man drove to Barnard Castle during lockdown. That man was the Prime Minister's advisor, and his reason that he went there was to test his eye. He wanted to see, is that it? He wanted to test out his new glasses or something?

I believe the sort of the tone is he wanted to prove to his wife that his eyesight was okay to drive to London. And so he drove to Barnard Castle, the London of County Durham. Yeah, but Alistair, Barnard Castle used to be famous for a very different odd little man. And that was the hermit of Barnard Castle, which is Francis Shield, the son of an Osler. Son of an Osler. He was born in 1815, and he used to live in Barnard Castle, in one of the turreted rooms, which he decorated... Oh, in Barnard Castle Castle?

In the actual, yeah, in the, oh, this is... Barnard Barnard Castle? How should we distinguish the castle from the town? To be fair, the town should have thought of this before they became national news five years ago. I'm talking about the castle, castle. The castle of the castle. The Barnard Barnard.

Yes. He lived in the actual castle. He hermitted in the castle, because it's kind of a, quite a fancy looking ruin. Was he an ornamental hermit then, or was he just an odd ball? He was an odd ball that was tolerated. To a point. It doesn't sound like loved from what you're saying.

He dressed as a monk and he kind of lived in the tower which he decorated with his own. Can I just say he lived in a place which he decorated with his own? That's a really alarming place to pause. Yes. With what did he decorate it? Self-made plaster casts. Ooh, creepy, but less disgusting than we were imagining. Well, we don't know what they're of, to be honest.

Is it like that bit where all the hands are coming out of the wall in Willy Wonka? Maybe. Or all the heads in Return to Oz. Yes. They're not... Like that, but for Willys. Yes, but for Hermit Willie. In your area, if you're in Durham.

Tolerated hermits are waiting for you. No, we don't know that Frank Shields did this. He became a guide. He sort of was like an unofficial tolerating. guide of the place who dressed as a monk. He had a big bushy beard and people described him as if he had lived there since before the invention of scissors and razors and could not bring himself to patronise such novelties. That's very good. I also like the idea that scissors were quite a new thing. Yeah. I guess they're just making fun of him being hairy.

Yes. Yeah. He had a big beard and he didn't cut it. To quote English Heritage website, Sadly, his sojourn in the castle was cut short in 1859, when following an altercation, he was evicted, which is going to be difficult if you're hermit and your whole thing is living in Barnard Castle. Exactly, clinging onto your plaster casts. Yeah, but they just drag you out. I believe that you can go visit his room,

but they have taken the plaster castes down. And I don't know if that's because they are of what we alluded to earlier. Maybe it's like, well, I'm taking these with me. Yeah, you can't rush in there, you lose an eye. But loads of options for hanging your coat. Yeah, it's like a sort of unwrapped mug tree. Just a short 15 years later, he was living amid the ruins of Eggleston Abbey. Oh, that rings a bell.

Eglston Abbey. That's similarly up your way, up that way. It's not that far away. I mean, good for him, really, you know, as a. hermit to lose a job in a quite a major northern castle and to find another ruin in need of a hermit that quickly. He did well there. He slayed, he lived there for, he didn't do well there actually. Oh no. You've got to leave that link in, James. That was beautiful. Yeah, I misread it. He didn't do very well there. He was, within the year, he was, he went to the workers because he couldn't

stay in Egleston Hall anymore. He'd been tending the plants and stuff there and kind of making it look quite nice. But he had to leave because of the ghosts. Oh, he was driven out by the ghosts. He was driven up by the ghost, which is believed to be the ghost of a monk called Mad Jack,

who had drowned his lover in a nearby river. If you're a monk, you're not supposed to have a lover in the first place. This guy was a bad. It was doubly bad. It was a bad monk. And his, well, a ghost of a monk is still said to haunt around there on a bridge looking down

like they're searching for something. Could be Mad Jack, like searching for the person that you drowned or could be the ghost of old Franny Frank Shields. Frank Shields himself. The ghost of him. Could be the ghost of him. Franky Shields, yeah. We simply don't know.

So that's a little bit of Barnard Castle. If you do find yourself either at Barnard Castle or at Barnard Castle. If you're at Barnard Castle, look out for Hermit's Hull, so to speak, or nearby Egleston Priory. And I was looking this up in your friend of mine, Laura the Land. I couldn't find any entries for it, but I did find Alistair. And I would like to end with this little story. This is a place near Chester the Street, Chesterly Street, Chester the Street.

Have you heard of this play? Am I saying this right? It's called Glorow Rom. Glow, G-L-O-W-R-W-I-M. No, I don't know that. Gloriram. There's a ghost on Petty Lane near chest of the street. It's meant to be the ghost of a woman which, when approached,

the figure would fall down and spread out like a sheet or a great pack of wool. Wow. That's very anime. Yeah. And when anyone went to pick it up, it suddenly disappear. And it says, here it startled both men and horses. Women and children, not botched. Fine, yeah.

Absolutely blase about the whole thing. It says a farmer's horse got scared, and it would appear when the girls went out at night to milk the cows and frighten them. Oh, so it did scare girls as well. Oh, it scared girls. It frightened them so dreadfully that they spilled the milk. But there would never be a drop of milk the next morning.

Oh, so it came and sort of slurped it all up. Yeah, I guess so. Or maybe the milk soaked into the ground, thinking about it. Yeah, that's sort of what happens, isn't it? If I poured some milk on the ground, I don't think I would expect it to still be there the next day. Oh, because of ghosts. Because of ghosts, yeah.

Because of a ghost that can evidently turn itself into a big floor sponge. Mm. And just... I think that killed Spock once in the original series of Star Trek. Yeah, sort of a big blanket. A gloran. Not Spock, but one of the other guys. Tasha Yard?

Maybe it is the thing that killed Tashire. It was an oil slick, wasn't it? Yeah, it was a big blob of tar. that killed Data's girlfriend, Tasha Yard. Oh, Tasha Yarr. That sounds like some of it you'd say up your way, isn't it? Or Tasha Yard. Oh, Tasha Yard.

Watch out for that blob of Tahr, Tasha Yard. That's a well-known saying, yeah. Oh, like most good advice, it writes. Yeah, exactly. No pain, no game. Watch out for that blob of tar, Tashiyah. See, I've kept away from the Palatinate County of Durham chapter in law of the land because it's very much your to much. That's my stomping ground, yeah.

Yeah, we've got also... So there's this... Are you telling me, I've been missing loads of gold? Loads of good stuff. There's something called Hell Kettles as a place. Hell Kettles, sounds good. Hell Kettles. There's these sort of sulfuric pools or something.

But more on them another time. But yeah, so the Glororom ghost, Glororam, ghost, some people are like, oh, is it some sort of shape-shifting bogey or some sort of little demon-y-trickstery thing? But when they dug up the road, they found, presumably aside from some milk, they did find the body of a woman. A woman, Skellington, in fact, and the ghost never walked after that.

Wow. So it definitely was a real ghost then. That turned itself into a carpet. And ate Taschia, yeah. And ate Taschaia that time. There you go. James and I don't only talk about the episode where Joe Piscopo teaches date as a stand-of-comedy. Yes.

We also talk about the episode where Tashiyar gets eaten by a big bin bag. Oh dear. Well, it's just a midi episode this week. Just a little one. I'm very tired. I'm rocketing about places hopping on trains. You are. And many, many replacement bus.

Oh. They have stopped doing trains to about half the country, knowing that I was on tour. So I've got many, many a dodgy connection coming up. I went to see your show the other day, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Oh, thank you for coming, James. Would recommend. Well, there.

you go. An objective, an objective review there from James. And I think I spent the interval, the brief interval, furiously texting you about 90s cartoons because you're the, the pre-show playlist is all vintage TV themes. It's really good. But it led me down a few wiki, Wikipedia holes, especially about Rood Dog and the Dweeps. Hey, yo, slam your eyeballs against this. That's how you start a kid's show.

scraping and sneaking, gaping a major dude, or something like that. The guy that voiced Rood Dog was the voice of so many things. You told me Raphael and Donatello at different times. He was Raphael in the 80s version of Turtles. And then in the 2012 series, he was Donatello. And I think that speaks to the sort of the trajectory of someone's life. You start off as the Raphael. Yeah.

Cool, but rude. but in later years you you sort of mature into the Donatello doing machines yeah yeah exactly it's like the Sphinx's riddle isn't it yeah who is cool but rude in the morning and then in the evening does machines lunchtime probably a party dude

so should you have a truncated score section Let's do some quick scores, yes. Names. Oh, great. You did Eggleton. Yes. Fantastic. Barnard Castle.

So Barnard, they castled it twice. Yes. Barnard Castle, Barnard Castle in Durham, Durham. Yes, exactly. It looks like a typographical error. Yes. Glorowram, which sounds like someone from He-Man. Yes, yeah.

Yeah, and he would have a glowing effect on him. Done through double exposure. Yeah, good, Dominic Cummings. Ooh, rubbish name. Don't like that guy at all. No. Chuckie Dick. Yeah, of course, yes.

Charles Dickens to you and me. Charles Dickens, to those who aren't overly familiar terms. And yeah, that's it really, isn't it? No, it's good. It's a very strong three, I think. He's dragging us down there, isn't he, old DC? Yeah, I'm afraid, Dominic Cummings. Damn it.

Has hurt that one. So second category is supernatural. Oh, very supernatural. Well, I suppose the monk The monk and his weird plaster casts were not that supernatural. No, there's a man to be... I really enjoyed the woman who flopped into a flap. I don't know what I mean.

I think she did in a way. She flopped into a flap. She flopped into a flap. I like the visual of that. Because you could imagine it the other way, but this is way weirder. Is that a figure of a woman? I think so. You're trying to approach.

Gone. Rug. Let me touch that rug. No, it's disappeared. What? It's like the magicians have that trick, don't they? Where they put a blanket over someone, but there's sort of a framework inside the blanket.

So then the woman slips out from underneath, but it keeps the shape. And then foe, foe, foe, fow, and, yeah, fooomph, gone. Very spooky. Also some milk disappeared. And then that milk disappeared, possibly soaking into the ground. Okay, so actually I just really liked the woman vanishing,

and the rest of it was quite rubbish. So I don't know what to do Because I'm feeling I really liked that though So I think it might even be four Just because I enjoyed Gloroham I like Gloroham And then they dug up the road

And there was a Skellington A full on Skellington down there A full Skellington, yeah Okay then So I'm just going to do one category And I'm going to even reuse a category Because I enjoy saying it so much It's Morgs

Morgs Mug Muggs is that you're slapping the top of the head where the tonsure would be. Oh, I found out a horrible thing about that the other day. What's that the tonsure? They used to maintain it using pumice. What? Yeah.

They just grind the hair off. Ooh. Ouch. Have you heard of Gillette, monks? The best a monk can get. I suppose maybe I guess pumice, I guess a sort of rough stone is maybe a rough volcanic stone. That's what pumice is, isn't it? Yeah, it's what you use for maintaining your feet when you're an old, old man, when you're Donatello.

I thought it was a pumice stone when I was a kid. I think I might have said that before. You have not told me that before. No? But I'm enjoying it. Pumice stone. Yeah. Yeah.

Pumy stone. Right. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, five out of five for mugs. Slap, slap, slav. Slap, swag, cool, great. Good news.

There we go. There you go. Take that. Any monk listeners out there, I hope you're sufficiently. I was going to say chastened, but monks should be chased all the time. Yeah, big time. Especially that mad one. Yeah, come on, Jack. Furious. There you go, really. So if people listening in time, go see Alistair at Barnard Castle. Barnard Castle, as the locals do not pronounce it. No. I think I've done a preview in Barnard Castle in the same venue, and it was lovely.

So I hope you've come and see me. Yeah, and again... Come on to see me on tour, please. A strong recommend from Lil Jim Shakespeare. Yeah, there we go. If that isn't enough for you, that's quite bad, actually. Really, why do you listen to the podcast? Great stuff, James.

Some more monk antics. There's a little bit of monk in my life at the minute, evidently. That's monkey top. Even though that was a midi, there are a couple of bits that are going to be in the bonus. Even though that episode was short, there were some bits there were still two wiers to include in that episode. So you can get access to them at patreon.com forward slash forward slash lawmen pod and thank you very much. Forward slash, forward slash.

Thank you very much to the people that already do support us in that manner. And I'll put a little bit of some of the bonus stuff at the end. Which you'll notice sounds like the stuff that happened before. It's quite similar. Please go see Alastair on tour using the link in the. show notes below. Yeah, go on. Or simply Googling

Alistair Beckett King in my area. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I'll be there with plaster casts. Yeah, or maybe it's big. Yeah, tap in at the screen. So what, you'd have like, you know how nowadays they have to have click?

This is not going to be in the intro. No way is this going to make the intro, James. Yeah, they have to say click or tap. Yeah. Because people won't, evidently, they don't trust people to accept one or the other.

Like if they think if someone has a touchscreen and they see it say click, they're like, well, I'm going to have to get the one as a mouse now. Would they have to have click a tap or peck? Is what I wanted to say. Anyway, so that's got in the bonus. Yep.