Loremen Podcast - S1 Ep6: Loremen S1 Ep6 - Durham Cathedral and Yubberton Yawnies

Episode Date: January 25, 2018

There's a range of "miracles" associated with Durham Cathedral and Alasdair and James really get to the bottom of them. Plus a bunch of idiots. And that's putting it nicely. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, the podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm James's conduit and spirit guide, Alastair Beckett-King. In every episode, we present pieces of forgotten folklore, and at the end of the tale, apply our entirely arbitrary scoring system. In this story, we find out how a milkmaid was responsible for the construction of Durham Cathedral. Not all of it, just... Listen to the story.

My story, or collection of little stories today, is about Durham Cathedral, which is where I'm from. I'm from Durham, not from the cathedral. Do you know Durham Cathedral? I don't know anything about Durham Cathedral. I can't even say it. Well, it's a Norman cathedral, which is, I think, about 900 years old, something like that, between 900 and 1,000 years old, something like that. So it's pretty old by British standards. And, well, I'm going to tell you a few of the miracles

that surround Durham Cathedral, which were all taught to us when we were in school. So some of the things are from 16th century text, but some of the things are genuine oral history in that they were told to me and then when i looked them up they turned out probably not to be true so this is genuine folklore that is still alive to this day so do you know lindisfarne holy island yeah i know i know of it because of the group the the band lindisfarne yeah and that i know i know that that refers to

holy island but i have no idea what that holy island is. Well, a holy island is Lindisfarne, a holy island. That's how he got his name. And it is where a saint called St. Cuthbert, who is a big deal in the northeast, was alive. St. Cuthbert died, and this is like the year 800-something. So this is during Viking raiding times. Right. St. Cuthbert died and was interred in a chapel, which was built on purpose, according to the text that I read,

which is always nice to know. Yeah, not one of them naturally forming chapels. It wasn't just a, what's happening there? Oh! Oh, chapel. A chapel. Put St. Cuthbert in here. So he died and was put in the chapel

but well burying saints or people who are about to become saints is like making a cake you have to keep checking on them to see if they've done any miracles well one of the miracles is he's not corrupting, not decaying so they checked on him after a while and he was absolutely fine

sorry to call you up on your cake making skills you should not be removing the cake from the oven that is true as i said that i did mine pulling out a tray um but they didn't know that in those days so they did pull him right out on the tray and then got him out with a pair of gloves and put him up on the hob oh god this is during the dane wars as as the the document which i'm referring to which is called the the rights of durham i refer to them as the dane wars this is viking raiding parties coming in and and all causing all kinds of chaos so they thought we've got to get saint cuthbert's body out of here and so they put his um coffin on a i don't know what they did actually they got it

on a boat and they they sailed it uh away they had the idea of going to ireland oh that's far which this is the east coast so it's completely miles away. Luckily, St Cuthbert had a better idea and sent three waves of blood towards the ship. Dead St Cuthbert? Dead St Cuthbert. This is one of his miracles. They dropped a holy book overboard and thought, this is bad luck.

We've lost that holy book. And then St Cuthbert appeared and said, guys, are you going to find that book? And they went, yeah, well, look. And so they went to look for the book. I'm explaining this in as much clarity as the text. They went to look for the book. They found the book. And it was in better condition than it was when it had gone overboard.

Another miracle. They saw a bridle hanging on a tree and a horse ran towards them at that moment. And that was St. Cuthbert's way of saying, you can use this horse to move my coffin around. Right. Which was deemed extremely generous. It makes me realise up until this point can use this horse to move my coffin around. Right. Which was deemed extremely generous. It makes me realise up until this point, they had just been carrying the coffin around. So then for the next little while, they went from town to town. This is how the story was told to me when I was a kid,

that they were going from place to place trying to decide where they should rest the body. I don't wish to be rude, but these guys sound like they don't know what they're doing. They have no... What you've got here is a monastic a sort of ecclesiastical version of weekend at bernie's where they cart the body around with no real direction they had the idea to go to ireland once that was kaiwash they they lost their heads yeah and and they go and this so i knew they went from town to town and so having looked it up i know they went from they went from Crake to

now it says Chester but it means Chesterly Street so not the town Chester another place in the North East which has come up in the podcast before

Chester the Street so they went from Crake and then they went to Chester and they went to Rippon they went to Crake and they rested there for four months

and from thence brought him to Chester where they remained 113 years whoa and then they went to Rippon where they stayed for four months. And then they decided to go back to Chester.

They loved it so much. You can tell they love Chester history. If you've been to Chester history, it's good. It's not 113 years good. Four months, 113 years, four months. Anyway, so that shows the level of planning that went into this.

These guys. By this point, the Dane Wars have finished. The Vikings have stopped raiding. Yeah, because they've all died, all the people involved by then. Yeah, because 113 years has passed. And the monks who are told in the story as if they're the same guys, but presumably are not the same

monks as we started with. They're still dragging St Cuthbert around. They get to the point where the coffin stops moving. They literally can't drag it. No matter how much they try, no one can move it. And this is St Cuthbert's way of saying, this is ridiculous. Yeah, I didn't like Chesterley Street that much. 113 years in Chesterley Street. So they fasted and prayed for three days until there was a revelation about what they should do with the holy body of St. Cuthbert. And their revelation which told them that they should go to Dunholm, which is the old name for Durham.

Ah. Bad news is the monks didn't know where Durham was, so they couldn't take him to Dunholm. But just at that moment, by serendipity, they found a milkmaid or a shepherd girl searching for her cow, the Dun cow. Dun means brown, of course shepherd girl searching for her cow, the Dunn cow. Dunn means brown, of course. So searching for her brown cow.

And she said to another girl, have you seen my cow? And the other one said, yes, it's in Dunn home. And the bunks all went, oh, like Dunn home. And then they asked directions. And this is, as told to me, the climax of the story.

So finding out from a milkmaid where Dunholm is, is the climax of the story. As they were going, a woman that lacked her cow did call aloud to her companion to know if she did not see her, who answered with a loud voice that her cow was in Dunholm, a happy and heavenly echo to the distressed monks, who by that means had intelligence that they were at the end of their journey, where they should find a resting place for the body of their

honoured saint, and thereupon, with great joy and gladness, brought his body to Dunholm, which was, in culta telus, a barbarous and rude place, replenished with nothing but thorns and thick woods, save only in the midst where the church now standeth. Of course, now there's an Argos as well, so it's not that bad. First of all, they built a little church of wands and branches, and then they replaced that with a white chapel, and eventually it was replaced with... Was that on purpose?

I believe all of... An accidental chapel. These may have been a series of accidental chapels until they deliberately built the great Norman castle. What is it? Half Castle against the Scot is the way it's described, engraved on something nearby. This particular one?

Durham Cathedral yes it's a bit it's a sort of a stumpy keep out of here kind of a cathedral it's not so much to the glory of God as a sort of a

and a kind of a castle kind of a cathedral there is one more part to the story that I've forgotten is it they pop back to Chesterley Street

presumably it was great guys all the monks would occasionally sneak back to Chesterley Street what's to Chesterley Street? Presumably. It was great, guys. All the monks would occasionally sneak back to Chesterley Street. What's in Chesterley Street? Very little. It was a Roman settlement, but there's not a lot there. We would go to the Argos, but they've got one of those in Durham now. Yeah, you don't need to.

You don't need to go. Oh, that was it. Yes, so the whole of the hill was covered with thorny bushes. And Uthred, I think I'm going to pronounce that, Uthred, Earl of Northumberland, aiding them and causing all the country, now, this was written hundreds of years ago and their spelling of country is unorthodox.

All the country to cut down the woods and thorn bushes which did molest them and so made all the place where the city now stands habitable and fit to erect buildings on. Maybe if they're being molested by bushes maybe their spelling of country is i mean it paints a horrible picture of what durham used to be like now you might think that that would be the last miracle that saint cuthbert performed the other one where he said dunholm and then the cow. Yeah. Do be impressed because that's a very impressive miracle. It's memorialised on the side of the cathedral. There is a carving of a cow with two women standing next to each other.

Not looking at it, wondering where it is. Yeah, exactly. Well, it's symbolic. But it's described as two women in the costume of George III, presumably meaning the period of George III, not both of them dressed as George III. Or maybe George III liked to dress as... As milkmaid.

So it's definitely true because it's carved into a cathedral. Right, yeah, that's fair enough. Although the carving is obviously much more recent because it's in the costume of George III. The text there is from the 16th century, and all of this happened way back in the year 999. Which started in 800 and something. Yeah, but for a long detour in Chesterley Street.

So the contemporary accounts don't mention the Dun Cow bit of it, so it's probably a little bit of local folklore. It's also a bit of a coincidence that the cow is also the same colour as Dun Home, Dun Cow. Brown cow. It's kind of a bit neat um and at the same time doesn't make any sense yeah they really spiced that story up didn't they with this lost cow eavesdropping yes come on this the waves we've got waves of blood we need we need to top that that bit is extremely popular where i'm from but his his most recent miracle, to my knowledge, is St. Cuthbert's Mist.

Ooh. Yeah. So guess which century this takes place in? The 20th century. No. Second World War. And this was taught to me as fact as a child, and I've looked it up,

and all I can find are accounts of other people telling it to other people as fact, but nothing to back it up. So in the Second World War, Hitler was out to bomb Durham because it's of no strategic value. And he was evil. Well, there is a story, because he did try and bomb, he did successfully bomb Coventry.

There is a story that they were targeting historic towns in order to lower morale. So he was trying to destroy beauty spots. So it is possible. And Durham. And Durham. It's really improved. Since we got rid of the molesting bushes,

it's got a lot better. Those days are long gone. So, yeah, so he sent his bombers out to bomb Durham, small city. But it was a cool moonlit night, exactly the bombing weather. Bomber's moonlit night um exactly bombing weather but bomber's moon but is that a phrase yeah well it was it was it was bomber's moon however an unexplained mist suddenly rose up as the planes approached enshrouding the entire city and hiding durham

cathedral and so they just had to drop their bombs on uh i think there was a record of this someone else's house, which is very bad luck for that guy that St. Cuthbert didn't live in his house. But Durham Cathedral was saved and Durham was never bombed in the Second World War. Ah. There are other versions of the story

and other reasons for why they were trying to bomb it, but the basic story is that the mist rose up to protect the cathedral from bombing. The problem really is it's sort of a bit of a two fingers to Coventry as if to say, haven't got any good saints, Coventry. What about you, Dresden?

Yeah. It's a little bit unfair to other cities that have experienced bombings to gloat about the fact that you were fortunate enough not to get bombed. I don't think they have records of whether or not they tried to bomb somewhere but didn't successfully bomb it and drop the bomb somewhere else right so how we know how the people during knew that they were trying to bomb durham that night when it got foggy i don't know but that

is the story as it is as it is told and believed as unimpeachable fact. Well, it's very lucky that those Nazis didn't overhear a couple of milkmaids looking for a cow. Yes. There are two other small semi-apocryphal or apocryphal asides. One is that on the way into Durham... Oh, three. Durham Cathedral has a massive door

and a lion-shaped door knocker. There are two of them. And once on the news in the 70s, someone said, if you want to see a nice pair of knockers, come to Durham. And the moment has never been forgotten. Was that not Blue Peter then? It might have been Blue Peter.

There was a thing about Blue Peter about knockers. I didn't research it. This is oral history. I didn't research any of the bits that are just from my memory of childhood. That's what makes this genuine folklore. The possibility of it being nonsense. Right next to's what makes this genuine folklore, the possibility of it being nonsense. Right next to where the knocker is now, there is a mound with a monument on it. And that is supposedly a mound from all the bodies of dead Scotsmen when they tried to

attack Durham and they all got killed. And then they were piled up. And now that mound is just a big pile of horrible corpses, which is sort of a grisly story that was told to us as kids. But then they sort of dug into it and did a check, and it's full of dead Scottish people. Oh, right. So, yeah, it's turned out to be accurate.

It's kind of a thing, and I think some people are saying that they should get the bones back. Anyway, horrible. Finally, it's got a secret passage. Or does it? Ah! Well, there is a story of the secret passage being tested by a man going down there with a horn

and everybody else staying up to listen to where he goes. So he would go a few paces and then would go... And they would listen a few paces on, he would go... And then move along. And they were trying to work out where it went. I've got a very sceptical expression on my face at the moment. Just want to point that out. The story's about to get super plausible.

All good. After presumably 40 minutes or so of... They heard an alarming sounding... And then that was it. Never again. And nobody ever went in it again to check. So that was the end of the story. Something happened.

And presumably nobody ever went down into the hole again to find out why. But that, in fairness, according to Westwood and Simpson, there are various versions of that story across lots of different parts of the country. Well, it's a great story. He's in a tunnel and then...

It's a good story, but it's undermined. Is that really the best way that you test a tunnel? I mean, I would take a torch down there or something. Some string. Yeah. Yeah, a rope is in there. And unfurl some string. Not a horn.

But you do have the very hilarious sound effect at the end that presumably implies a person's death. So, you know, it's got light and shade. Yeah, exactly. That's what I decided to end on. So those are the historical and modern miracles of Durham. So the scoring

system. The scoring. So the scoring system. No, the scoring. Okay. Scores for this story my first category for you is supernatural well this is high these there's a number of miracles three at least three at least three let's okay i'll list them lack of corruption of the body corruption of the body uh waves of blood book gets washed overboard different book comes back better they found a different book the guy that dropped miraculously they miraculously found a better book no horse suddenly appears horse and bridal horse and bridal um the coffin stops moving yeah then he tells them

that he wants to go to dunholm yeah how did he do that it's not clear okay presumably he appeared and said i want to go to dunholmholm. And they said, where's that? And he said, what? And then that was the end of the... Google it. And then the miracle of meeting someone who knew where Durham was. The miracle of overhearing. The miracle of overhearing where Durham was.

I mean, we're into the second hand. I'm counting on my fingers with miracles. And of course, the saving everyone from Nazis. Not saving specifically the people of Durham from Nazis. That is, yeah, Cuthbert's Mist is quite miraculous. But definitely the book one, you're not having that one. That is the guy that dropped it off, got another one and said, oh, look, I found it.

And they're like, well, shouldn't that be ruined? Because it fell in the sea. And he's like, miracle? No, it's a lot better condition. And it's got all different words in it as well And that's a miracle It's now a better book Yeah, I think that's what might have been what happened there

Horse Bridal Oh, so the bridal's a miracle but the horse isn't What's your metric, sir? If you hung around after these monks Had put this coffin on the horse And towed it away you might have had the miracle of the man finding his horse that he'd let off the leash you might have the

miracle of him being really angry these monks okay scores for miracles you do have a lot of miracles i've got a lot of miracles i've packed them right in there i'm no i'm doing a lot of debunking on those miracle i've debunked. I'm attempting to re-bunk as many of them as I can. But I think they're bunk. Bunk, you say? Yes, a bunkser. Well, tell that to a carving of two milkmaids

in historically inaccurate garb on a building. It's physically inaccurate. What more proof do you want? Well, yeah, no. You've got a number of miracles. I'm going to give you a four. For a story with nine miracles, you're giving me four out of five for supernatural.

It's not nine miracles. It's easily nine. It's probably some I forgot. That's how miraculous the whole story is. Yeah. The second traditional category is naming. Naming. Ah.

Hmm. Lindisfarne's a lovely name. Lindisfararn's very nice what is the origin of the name I don't know is it Lindersfarn and that means

Holy Island yeah it's not like Lindersfarn what else we've got Dunn we've got Dunn Home we've got the Dunn Cow yeah

Chesterly Street Chesterly Street is a big a firm favourite of mine because and of the monks everyone likes Chesterly Street they're Chesterly Street to sell you on naming why isn't it Chesterly Street is a big, a firm favourite of mine because... And of the monks. Everyone likes Chesterly Street. They, they're Chester the Street.

To sell you on naming. Why isn't it Chester LaRue? Because that would make it sound like a prostitute. Danny LaRue's brother, Chester. Chester LaRue. I don't, I don't know. I didn't name Chesterly Street. Chester the Street.

Two. Two? All right. I'm going to have to grab a little back with Nazis. The next category is Nazis. Well, punch in the face to a Nazi there. Take that, Adolf. Yeah.

And your boys. Because I don't think none of our other historical legends of England have featured any Nazis. No, no. So this is 100% more Nazis. Yeah. And none of our other, actually, tellingly, none of our other historical things have actually actively tried to subvert the Nazis. Yeah, and none of our other actually, tellingly, none of our other historical things have actually actively tried to subvert the Nazis. Yeah, so in essence, all

the other people were collaborating. Yeah. No, I think, yeah, that's got a score high for sticking one in the eye to the heart in there. Give it a... I'm going to give it a four. Because you can't bring yourself to condemn the Nazis wholeheartedly. Is that the reason? No, because St. Cuthbert, he didn't cause a miss

that caused the Nazi planes to crash. The Luftwaffe, I was going to believe they're known. To crash. They still did bomb someone. Yes, yeah, they did. Although it wasn't Durham. Yeah, he looks after his own, does St. Cuthbert. He's not even from Durham.

He just wanted to go there. Yeah, so what was that, four? Yeah, four. I'll take four because I feel like it's dropping by a minute. Cuthbert. He's not even from Dunmery, he just wanted to go there. Yeah, so what's that, four? Yeah, four. I'll take four because I feel like it's dropping by the minute. Okay, four. The category of bad planning.

Yes. I mean, yes, massively high for this. These monks, they are bad at planning. They are bad at planning. They are very bad at planning. Who spends 113 years somewhere,

goes somewhere else for four months, and then decides to go back to where they were already? See the world. You've got a dead saint in the boot of your car. You could go anywhere. Even the start of their plan is flawed. They wanted to sail from an island on the northeast coast of England

to Ireland, famously on the west coast of England. They have to go all the way around Scotland. Yeah, there's no Panama Canal. There's no misnamed Panama Canal in England. These guys... Can I pin you down to a number for bad planning? We've established that the planning was extremely bad. The two plans that they did make

were not to the taste of their corpse, which one was go to Ireland, another was go back to Chester Street. And then they rely on serendipity to even find where their corpse wants to go. Yeah, so a massive score, five. Obviously, five out of five for bad planning there. Excellent.

My final category, Secret Passage. Yeah, it's got a secret passage that goes who knows where. And no one wants to find out where now. And you'll notice what I've done, having learned from your errors, is made the category singular. So I'm asking you to rate in terms of secret passage rather than in terms of secret passages ah yeah yeah yeah you got me yep yeah yeah there's nothing i can do there's nothing i'd love to but i can't i think i have you banged to rights yeah secret passage there's one and it's great i'm gonna give it a four though because that horn thing

i made a very skeptical face about the horn thing i remember it would that even work would that even work that'd have to be a very shallow passage or very loud horn you're just going to use your imagination i'm sorry i'm only going to give it a four because the horn thing is great but a bit, it seems a little infeasible. It's the element of the fact that it obviously didn't happen

that I think is affecting it. Yeah, that's... Right. But what I think is positive there is that it's an endorsement that all the rest of the things definitely did happen. Yes.

Since what you find unbelievable about this selection of stories is that a man could play a horn underground so what's what is your final score four four I thought it was gonna be worse than that no

because it's British got a brilliant ending it's it's thank you this story is about a bunch of idiots. Shall we get into the Yubberton Yornies? Let's do the Yubberton Yornies. The Yubberton Yornies.

Am I pronouncing that correctly? You are, however, you wouldn't be able to tell that by reading it because it's a town called Ebrington. Ebrington. Ebrington, E-B-R-I-N-G-T-O-N, in Gloucestershire. Locally, it's pronounced Yubberton. Yubberton. Yubberton.

And Yubberton Yornies is the name of the local people there who are... If you think of a village idiot, this is a village full of idiots. This is where they all came from. These are the original. This is the source. The author of the book that I'm taking some of this from, so he spoke to an Ebrington man who has many of the yawny characteristics. He used to do this thing, which in this book is referred to as a prank,

which is horrible. He would have a packet of boiled sweets with him, and he... All right, okay, I'll just read it. He always carried a bag of boiled sweets about the place and when he saw one of the younger children he would say oh gear sweet if you'll be a cuckoo and so the young child would hold his head back and then he would spit in their mouth is that the prank that's a prank oh no it's not is it that's horrible it's simply disgusting

although i when i did do remember doing smell the cheese. That's punching, isn't it? That's punching in the nose. And how does a horse bite? I don't know that one. How does a horse bite? Don't do it to me. Red rag to a bull.

You would go, how does a horse bite? And they would, as you demonstrated, go, I don't know how does a horse bite. And then you would get your full hand and grab the underside of the thigh and just pinch really hard but with a whole hand or we had this other one for some reason at our school this would work it would be you would go do you lick a no and presumably the person would go yeah sorry what was the question again so he'd do this prank which again that, that's not a prank. However, the Yubbaton Yornies have some great stories about them, which most of the stories do fit into the style of a joke.

So for example, in Ebrington Church, they have a tower. And the Yubbaton Yornies were jealous of Chipping Camden, nearby Chipping Camden's church. And so they wanted their tower to be bigger. So how do you make things grow? You put manure around them. So they put manure around the base of the tower. And then as the manure settled,

there was a stain on the tower that made it look like it had grown that far out of the muck. And there's a poem. This story is immortalised in a well-known local rhyme. I've got the full version here. Master Southam, a man of great power, lent a horse and cart to muck the church tower. They mucked the tower to make it grow high, but not as lofty as the sky. And when the muck began to sink, they swore the tower had grown an inch.

Doesn't really rhyme. Maybe I'll try an accent. Yeah, can you just keep saying that until it rhymes, please? Yeah. And when the muck began to sink, they swore the tower had grown an inch. Yeah. I mean, the sky bits even, that's a bit. They've chucked that in for the rhyme.

They mucked the tower to make it grow high, but not as lofty as the sky. And another story is that they wanted their another church related story they wanted their church on top of the hill they have two churches this is the same church the same church they were not satisfied with this church the other two new ones real sense of church envy here in your vision they wanted the tower higher they did the muck thing and then in a separate incident they wanted the tower on top of the hill, maybe to make it seem higher. So the tower wasn't currently on top of a hill? No, it was near a hill.

They wanted it at the top of the hill to show it off. Probably stick it to them Chipping Camden lot. I hate Chipping Camden so much. They got all the Yabbiton Yornies together on the lower side of the church. And they tried to push the church up the hill. And what they'd done is they'd left all their coats on the top side, and then someone, probably from Chipping Camden, came by and nicked all their coats.

It's the sort of thing Chipping Camden might do. Yeah, yeah. They're horrible people. And so they tried to push this church. They obviously couldn't move it. It's a church. That's not how this works. That's not how you move a church. shed maybe but then they went round and all their

jackets were gone so they thought they pushed the church over their jackets yeah oh um i've got an eyewitness account of the uh attempt to move the church they had the foreman of the bell ringers saying right oh chaps when i says heave, heave. So they heaved and they heaved and they heaved and the sweat was pouring down their faces. He says, right, oh chaps, that's it. Well, in the meantime, of course, they didn't know one of the pranksters of the village had nipped up and pinched all their jackets. Of course, when they went to put them on, there was nothing there. They says, good God, look what we've done. We've moved a tower onto our jackets.

It was a mistake to put the jackets there. Because even if they were able to move the tower, they would have moved them on. They should have... I think they deserve everything they get. I mean, I'm spotting a pattern of impossible church-based operations which they, due to their idiocy, believe they've achieved.

Yeah, so in a way... Is there anything else that they attempted to do with this church and then subsequently believed they'd achieved? I mean, it's not reported here, but I wouldn't put it past... We can only assume that was happening on a bi-weekly basis. Yeah, they did try to cage a local cuckoo so that the summer would never leave their village. That's a nice idea.

They would then put their clocks forward to make it Christmas sooner. They're stupid. They sound like idiots. Apart from this one, this Spitty Man one, who's got a real, I don't know. He's got a nasty edge to him. I'm sorry to have brought him up. In fact, I would maybe want to cut him out because it's given, it's tainted the Yabberton Yornies, which is,

it is actually just an enjoyable tale of laughing at simpletons to a sinister man who's spitting in children. Well, now let's be, I don't think it was an adult man spitting into a child's mouth. I thought, which is a distressing image. I'm sure it was a child spitting into one of the mouth of all of its peers.

He was older than the other children. He was abusing the privilege that his age would have given him at that time at school. Well, that's inappropriate. But I imagine over in Chipping Camden, things are much worse. Oh, yeah. They wouldn't even give you a sweet. The opening bargaining position is spitting in your mouth sweets are never on the table oh and they've got the this is a classic um there are many villages and towns around

the country that are considered to be the stupid town where the stupid people come from and that they have they've got their version of a man walking home at night past a moonlit pond and thinking that the reflection of the moon is a cheese. And so he tries to get this cheese out. He probably falls in. He's lost commitment to telling the classic moon's fallen in the pond story there. Yes.

Another Yornie carried a wheelbarrow seven miles to prevent the wheel from denting the ground. Do we have a name for that, Yornie? Or is this another anonymous? Just these Yornies seem to all merge into one. Total, total idiots. But good value. Don't think I've ever heard of a village of idiots

with quite so many church-based misapprehensions. There is a Yobbiton Yornie revenge story, however. What? This is not the revenge story. This is another one. This is the other church-based story. Whoa. Are you telling me there's a third church-based misapprehension story

to be found in Yubberton? Oh, you bet. So they lit a bonfire on top of the church's tower, and when the lead began to melt, they had no idea what it could be. And there's a poem about it. Some Yubberton fools, to show their power, they lit a fire on top of the tower

and lead ran down like blood from a slaughter. Old women went running to catch the soft water. I mean, that's got a horrible ending, really. That's not as bad as losing your coats or having a church towel that smells of... Yeah, I don't... That's got old women dying. Well, or at the very least being seriously burned by molten metal.

Yeah. Which is poisonous as well. Yeah. Not just normal molten metal, but poisonous metal. Now, here's the Yabutanyoni's revenge story. Yabutanyoni's revenge story, let's hear it. So during the Second World War, when all the signposts have been removed to confuse germans so a posh motorist asked the way to morton in the marsh and was told well i

don't know well what about chipping camden then well i don't know good gracious man don't you know anything i know where i be and that's a damn sight more than he does oh so the is that the revenge story well that's one of the two. That's the lesser. Because the Yubberton Yornie comes out not quite on top, but at least parallel. Another anecdote. Oh, yeah, this must have happened during the time

when there were no signposts, because a stranger stopped off at a local pub to ask the name of the town. And when told it was Ebrington, he commented, Oh, that's where all the fools live. Well, says a local, I don't know that they all live here. We get plenty passing through. Oh, burn!

I'm not sure if mic drops had been invented at that time. They would have probably dropped an actual person called Mike. These yawnies. That would have been the audience. From the church. I'm starting to think that it's a tricksy law. I've forgotten how to pronounce it. Yubberton.

Yubberton Yornies. This idea that they're all idiots. And then whenever we go there, we're scoffed at and have our mouths spat in by the horrible people who live there. So is it time to give a score to the Yubberton Yornies? Do I read the categories? Yes, you read the categories. Okay. So that's the format of our show. And I read the categories? Yes you read the categories. Okay. So that's the

format of our show and I shouldn't need to explain it to you every single time. Yeah. Well. I'm sorry but I

feel bad now because you've got a sad face on. Yobbit and Yornies scoring. Okay. There's a way you could turn that

frown upside down. Let's go for the first one. Supernatural. Supernatural. It's a hard zero yeah because there's nothing supernatural that they they may be sort of preternaturally stupid if that makes any sense at all when people say preternatural i think of a man called peter natural like he's like they were as stupid as Peter natural. Yeah. They're very, very stupid but I don't think that actually...

There was nothing supernatural in the story. They weren't spookily... Yeah, it wasn't sinister or mysterious or outside the realms of science. It's not like a village

that had been accursed to be stupid. They just... They didn't make the effort. You'd think that they'd have realised how stupid they are as well and then sort of

worked on it. I mean, there are the sort of the zingers and stuff. The revenge stories. Yeah. That suggests to me that they did start to turn it around after many centuries of being the butt of jokes. Yeah. They just didn't understand physics.

That was the main issue. That's their main problem. And that, whilst that may be the explanation for some supernatural events is nothing to do with this. No. So it's a zero for supernatural. Okay. Naming. Naming? Well, that's quite good. You've got Yobberton Yornies.

Or Edbrington Yornies. Yes. Are there any other names in the story? No. So you are leaning heavily on Yobberton for the naming category. Yobberton Yornies. Yornies is quite a nice word. It describes them quite well, I think. It suggests they're slack-jawed.

It's sort of you visualise slack-jawed idiots. A country bumpkin. Bumpkin type. Grr. Grr. Yeah. I thought I'd realised that bumpkin was a reference to people from the country being in bread. You know, that sort of trope.

Because I thought, oh, bumpkin. Kin being family. Bump. Sauce. Spice. No, I looked it up. It's Dutch for a barrel or a little tree. Barrels are idiots.

Stupid barrels. So we need a hard number for the naming, which the name is so good that they used it an incountable amount of times. So you're trying to make an asset of the fact that the same name is just repeated. And they're almost like... They're marketable. They're like the Minions. Yes, exactly. They're livable.

Thank you. I think it's a three. It's a three. Which is very good considering it's based on one name. Brilliant. I'll stick with that. Okay, next one. Church Envy.

Church Envy. It's through the roof. It's through the church roof. Yes, which they probably did in some way to make their church better than those. Chipping Camden, was it? Chipping Camden's. Yeah, I think it's an unarguable five out of five.

I don't think I even need the pitch because I've never heard of a story with so much church envy or rivalry. The whole issue between them

and Chipping Camden seems to stem from Camden's absolute pimp of a church. Who do you think built the Yobberton church in the first place? Like, was it like

a guy from Chipping Camden in disguise coming over and going, I'll make you a church. Yeah, you don't want to put it on top of the hill. You don't want it too high. Hilariously building them a sub-par church.

Yeah, a poor church. I don't see any of them qualifying as architects. They would have just buried a cross and thought that's how churches grow. Or the Jesus tree as they called it. So Church Envy, bang on, five out of five. Five out of five for Church Envy.

Excellent. Oh, yeah. Now this one, this has got to be good. This category, Sick Burns. The Yabbiton Yornies. Yeah, they really, they sort of surprise with the power of their comeback. So we've got two wartime-based sick burns. Yep.

And we've got the, I don't know if spitting in someone's mouth is a sick burn, but it is sick behaviour. Yeah, it is sick. And I feel like it might sting rather than burn, but it's horrible. Well, we'll gloss over that for what's potentially a five out of five. And the old ladies running to catch sweet water of melting lead would literally have been burned in what is... Frankly sickening.

Sick, sickening. The sick burns sustained by the elderly women. The old women. How could I... I'm going to say four out of five. Whoa! I'm going to say four out of five. First. I'm going to say four out of five. First of all, because you asked for a five.

Yeah. And I want you to learn a lesson. And secondly, I think there are so many stories in which the Yobutanyonis lose that don't feature a sick burn. So I feel like if Chip and Camden were sort of coming in and saying, and that's how you don't move a church or something. Yeah, I feel like there were some opportunities for sick burns missed. That's all I'm saying. Also, from the sound of it, it happened during the war

when a lot of the more able-bodied and perhaps able-minded people were out of the country. So the Yabbiton Yornies were the best that there was. The best of what's left. I suppose I'll take that fall then. That's quite a sad note to end on. You seem genuinely sad. I think it's just,

shouldn't have nailed my colours to a hideously burned old woman. You have been listening to Lawmen. The Lawmen are Alastair Beckett-King and James Shakespeare. If you enjoyed Lawmen, please rate and subscribe in all the usual places. And if you didn't enjoy Lawmen, well, f*** up your church tower.