Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep13: Loremen S3 Ep13 - Amy Gledhill - The Hull Werewolf

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

The Loremen are joined by the delightful half of award-winning double-act The Delightful Sausage - Amy Gledhill. We chat about the Hull Werewolf, also known as "Old Stinker". With bonus coverage of an underwater witch, a beheaded boy and, of course, the Pig-man. Plus we hear some of the funniest place names in all of Yorkshire. Warning - This episode may cause you to question the very nature of reality / Hull.  @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @ThatGledhill

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shake Shaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And this week we have the wonderful comedian and half of the delightful sausage, Edinburgh Festival nominated double act, Amy Gledhill. The way you said that was as if a series of telegrams were arriving, giving you the information.

I tried to pronounce brackets. And what is Amy going to tell us about, James? Well, we were going to find out in literally a matter of seconds after the music's finished. I'll just wait. Just wait. It won't be long now. Oh! Alistair. Yes, James? We've got another deputy lawperson.

What? Look over here. It's Amy Gladhill. Emerging from the... I was going to say bushes. Wow. I'm sorry, Amy. That's not how I see you. Emerging from shrubs. I do look like I've come from a shrub. My hair's very wild today.

Mine too. It's the wind. It is the wind. I haven't been able to keep the frizz down for weeks. Tell me about it, sister. It's the fine rain and the wind. You're ruined. able to keep the frizz down for weeks. Tell me about it, sister. It's the fine rain and the wind. You're ruined. It just spritzes you the whole time.

I go out wider. My hair just gets wider and wider and wider until it's surpassed my shoulders and I become... Like the shoulder pads in the 80s, women would wear them as a power suit. Yeah. My hair becomes more powerful.

Yes. Like how Lion-O is powerful. like how what's powerful lion oh from the thundercats oh i'm unaware oh i'm so sorry i thought you meant like lino on the floor like that is powerful it is very powerful that's so powerful i'm just like lino with your uh hip pop culture reference to floor coverings You've revealed the fact that you are from Hull Yeah Is that correct? That's factually accurate The first city to be made entirely of Lino

If I remember correctly Lino and Cod That's what we are It just goes, you put the Lino down Then eventually it's covered in Cod And what they would do is I'm sorry listeners They would just put another layer of Lino over the top It was a lasagna That's what we are. It just goes, you put the lino down, then eventually it's covered in cod. And what they would do is, I'm sorry listeners, they would just put another layer of lino over the top.

It was a lasagna. It was like a lino fish lasagna. The city is now several metres higher than it was at the start of the 20th century. They laughed at us, but then when everywhere's flooding, they're like, why didn't we have fish lino lasagna floors? Standing on Cod Mountain, laughing at the drowning neighbours. Over in Grimsby?

Yeah, Grimsby. What's near? Scunthorpe, Grimsby, Lincoln. Oh, it's just... Is Lincoln that near? It's kind of near. It's just over the bridge. But not Yorkshire, though. No, Lincoln isn't Yorkshire.

No, it's Lincolnshire. Yeah. So I would assume there's a strong antipathy there. No, I don't think anyone cares. Really? I was thinking it would be like, Lincoln! No, no, no. No, we're more like that with Leeds, actually.

Leeds is the nearest big city. Well, they've got an economy, haven't they? Leeds. Well, I mean, come on. Who's got an economy? I told you about the cod. I told you about the lino. If you're selling it to yourself,

it's just that the lino guys are making all their money, but they're blowing it all on cod. The codmen have got fully linode houses, ceilings and all. But it works for us, okay? Yeah, that's true. Cultural relativism and all that. We shouldn't judge a culture we don't understand on the podcast.

No, but if it smells of fish and lino, you're going to judge it. You're going to have a knee-jerk reaction. You're making me feel bad for sitting so close to you because I definitely smell of fish and lino. And I don't want to be judged for this. This is my aroma. I'm happy with it. That's fine. What does your place smell like?

Chipping Norton. Yes. Chips and Graham Norton. Yeah. aroma i'm happy with it that's fine what does your place smell like chipping norton yes uh chips and graham norton yeah there's wood chips actually nice keeping it dry i was thinking like kettle chips like posh middle class chips that's what i see your place is smelling like that's about right yeah actually no sheep and uh tweed which is... Yes, that's just someone who's weed on wool. Is that what tweed is? That's where the wee... I'm putting a wee in tweed. Yeah, it's very much the sort of lino and cod of the Cotswolds.

Wool and wee-wee. I'm from Durham, where we've only got one thing, and it's coal. I banged the... I shouldn't have banged. It's a recording sound situation. Sorry. Coal. Coal. Coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal. They wouldn't sing in my accent they'd sing it in a proper Durham accent.

Coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal. Oh that's nice. I could just talk like that the whole time and everyone would think I was from Durham which I am. Durham I should say. Sorry I said it in the wrong accent. And then everyone would think I was from Durham, which I am. Durham, I should say. Sorry, I said it in the wrong accent. And then everyone would think I was working class, even though I'm not. And I might get some opportunities coming my way. It's so easy being working class these days.

Please cut this out of the podcast, James. I don't know what you're saying. Right. So knowing that you were coming on and you were from Hull yeah I looked up Hull in my two big books of folklore myths and legends one reader's digest just to be clear neither of them are called the big book of folklore myths and legends one's called the reader's digest book of folklore myths and legends okay and it's a big book uh and the other one's called the law of the land and I looked cracking book great book is it yeahback? This one's a softback.

The other one's a hardback. I've got it in hardback. And if you want to kill a man with a folklore book, this one is like half a metre square. You could really do some damage. Wow. Good to know. If you find me dead and that book's not there,

it's the murderer. And it's one of us two that's done it. Because you're the only ones who know. So far. That's assuming nobody listens to the podcast. So it's one of us two that's done it because you're the only ones who know so far that's assuming nobody listens to the podcast so it's one of you two there was nothing on hull nothing on hull at all nothing on hull at all so much so that i thought i'd got the wrong county or something so i was looking in the yorkshire counters i'm pretty sure hull was in there at one point I slightly doubted whether

Hull even existed and perhaps I dreamed it so I looked it up on the internet if there was such a thing as Hull and it said Kingston upon Hull and I thought ah right went back to the K section of my index nothing on Kingston upon Hull did you try looking up Humberside no because I got distracted by hilarious Yorkshire place names and I made a little list. Can I just share them briefly before we start? Yes. One of my favourites, Sex How? Which is home to old nanny's ghost.

The ghost of her told a farmer, there's some silver and gold buried under here. You keep the silver, give the gold to my daughter. He didn't. He kept both of them until he was tortured by her until and turned to drink and then finally he was seen riding at full pelt on his horse with a cackling old lady holding on to him and he was going i will i will i will the horse stopped the old woman was gone and he was dead well i mean that's how i have sex sex how on a similar tip willie how in a place around there called thwing there's a huge barrow which is called willie how a lot of swingers

and it's a fairy's house and someone stole a fairy cup from there um jisborough see we're getting close to places where i've lived and i'm just like yeah they're normal And it was a fairy's house and someone stole a fairy cup from there. Gisborough. See, we're getting close to places where I've lived and I'm just like, yeah, they're normal then. Yes, that's fine. What's wrong with that? I think this one might have to be actually bleeped. Hawkeye. And of course... It's not going to make any sense.

The hole of Hawkeye. Or the Devil's Punchbowl. or the devil's punch bowl which is and it's where wade a giant dug up a big with his spade and threw it and he which formed the hill blakey topping which sounds like the character from a 60s sitcom and then sock burn um so you had the sock burn worm and then danby which it was famous for the hand of glory and i didn't dare look that up. We've got Pity Me in the North East. What? A little village called Pity Me.

And people do. That's all Durham's got, sympathy. I can't believe you don't have Wetwang. Oh, my God. There's a place called Wetwang? Wetwang, yeah. It's where uh richard whiteley r.i.p from countdown was the mayor of wet wang that's an anagram gone wrong from countdown i think i once saw whiteley in a vehicle what vehicle a moving vehicle with his car

a helicopter no it was his car car. He just drove past me, but I just got the full, the full Whiteley experience and just being that close to his presence. You got a wet wang. I understand. He developed clinical wet wang. So there was nothing.

I could find nothing on Hull. And then I Googled Hled hull legends came out with a picture of you and what's his name ronnie pickering oh i don't know who is that is that the is this the other famous person from hull ronnie pickering is a guy who made it big on youtube a few years ago he was driving there was a cyclist the cyclist was wearing a helmet with a camera on oh a helmet cam yes

yeah and they had a bit of an altercation and Ronnie Pickering says to the cyclist do you know who I am do you know who I am and the cyclist is like no

and he's like I'm Ronnie Pickering and Ronnie Pickering wasn't anybody because of this video he became a star so now Ronnie Pickering is like you know

a whole legend wow that's like the message isn't it or the the secret he created it he visualized what he wanted and he made it yeah oh i'm gonna try that but what i found was the whole werewolf and then i had to do something else and i came back to it and you know when you start putting in a thing to the search terms and it comes up with suggested things yeah started typing in whole werewolf first option whole werewolf second option whole werewolf latest it's ongoing yes is this contemporaneous folklore happening as we record then i've only found this in digital formats this folklore but it claims to be quite old though i think you've been researching the same i've had a little look old stinker yes the

werewolf old stinker that's his name yes old stinker sounds like an old-fashioned name for a werewolf well his legends date back to the 1100s or something this is where there was a lot of werewolf myths around in England. Were, meaning man, and wolf, meaning wolf. Man-wolf. Wow, thank you for labouring that, James. Yes. I got into proper, like, oh, this is actually

teaching people things. But were also means to wear, and it's slightly that sort of shamanistic thing of putting the animal skin on. Have you read Sabine Bering Gould's Book of Werewolves? No. I don't know if I'm pronouncing his name correctly, so apologies if I'm not.

He wrote Onward Christian Soldiers, but he's also a folklorist. And it's a fairly sober historical account of where the werewolf myths come from. And mostly it's just stories of actual cannibals and legends. So there's plenty of historical accounts of people eating people, obviously. And some of them are fairly grim. But one of the interesting things is,

I think he traces the etymology of it to somewhere in Scandinavia, where the word for wolf was also used to mean like brigand or thief. So someone was sort of cast out of the village and became a wolf, means cast out of the village and became a wolf, means cast out of the village and became a sort of Robin Hood-like character. And then over time, the transformation turns into actually becoming a wolf. So in the retelling of the story,

they actually start to transform. So that was his explanation for it. Like a shark, like a loan shark. Like a loan shark. In future, they'll think that they were actually sharks. That's what Jaws was about. I'm glad you said something funny at the end of my really long factual bit. But that is similar to, like you said,

the shamistic thing of it being sort of performed, not necessarily a literal transformation. But also because there were actually wolves in this country. Oh, yeah, yeah. And apparently they would dig up graveyards and start eating the bones eating the stuff so they had this weird like they were like oh those are quite evil creatures and that was where the idea that wolves werewolves will feast on bodies human bodies where does the idea of the moon come into it then the idea of um this sort of uh humans

turning into animals is like a global idea and but that element comes from europe in general i don't know exactly some maybe something to do with dracula or it was i think it's that wolves actually do howl at the moon isn't it real wolves howl at the moon so i assume that's where that comes from yeah probably yeah there's a little sort of desert gerbil that does it have you seen it no google it google it's a little rodent and it howls at the moon oh wow it's like incredibly cute oh yeah you absolutely need to insert the little howl there for your listeners could you just do an impression of what you think that would sound like so adorable. So the whole werewolf. Yes, old stinker.

I'll be honest, I'm sceptical so far. That there is a 700-year-old, 800. More than that, yeah. Yeah. Well, no, because he was last seen in 2015. I think since then. Oh, really? I think 2017, perhaps. Breaking old stinker news. Yeah. 2017 perhaps Breaking 2017

Old stinker news Yeah Someone's posted In 2019 Saying Has anyone seen Old stinker recently As if

It would So casual I think that you Can see it It's like Has anyone Going to check On old stinker

He's not been Collecting his milk It's like in Durham There's a guy Who everyone Calls Mario Because he looks like super mario but he's just a greek guy with a mustache and sort of curly hair but everyone knows who he

is he's got his own facebook page um and i feel like old stinker is sort of a bit like that by the sounds of it but but an eight foot tall eight feet tall he's eight feet tall covered in matted hair red burning eyes like uh fires of hell probably or something like that, and terrible breath. Awful halitosis. That's why he's called Old Stinker. Right. Yeah, that's where he gets his name from.

I've read that he also has quite a human face. In recent times, yeah. In recent times, yeah. He's got a unnervingly human face, which could be part of the... Jim Menken legend. Jim Menken, yes. Yeah. Yuriko came and told us about the Japanese legend of the human face, which could be part of the... Jim Menken. Jim Menken, yes. Yuriko came and told us about the Japanese legend of the human face dog.

Yeah, he's a dog that has a human face. And he says, leave me alone. That's all he says if you go up to him. Leave me alone. Because he's eating rubbish out of a bin. Yeah, he's embarrassed. And doing green poos.

Yeah. Which actually ties into... i've been to hull so i did actually i did know hull existed i went to hull because in my early days as an out-of-work actor i was in a information video for the hull gas works where the gas comes in off the north sea and i was in like a safety video. Gas how? And I was one of the two workers and there was a bit where they were like, just be like putting your helmets on and just be having a chat. And I decided to, in my improv there, tell the other bloke about the time that I did a white poo.

that I did a white poo. Which is a story that you'll find on the Yuriko episode as well. I'm not going to repeat it here. To be honest, the title... Yet another episode that we have to tag with poo in the tags in case people want to cross-reference which ones have your poo anecdotes in them. Wow, it's a pigeon. Yeah, it looked like driftwood.

It had, like, little holes in it. We've already done the poo. Do you have a poo anecdote? Rather than just repeating, trotting out the classics? It's not my anecdote, but Christopher Cantrell, I mean, a double X,

but he does like sausage, okay, fine. He once, after Edinburgh Festival, it's not my anecdote but Christopher Cantrell I mean a double axe with a delightful sausage okay fine he once after Edinburgh Festival because he'd been eating so badly for a month he quite famously did a burp

which was a fart that's the sound of James dropping his book in disgust in horror yep wow and it was it wasn't like oh is it isn't it it was a fart Dropping his book in disgust. In horror. Yep. Wow.

And it was. It wasn't like, oh, is it, isn't it? It was a fart. That's horrible. But I'm not surprised. I remember bumping into Chris in Edinburgh in a McDonald's at 3am. Yep, that'll do it. Yep.

This has been one of the most disgusting episodes since we had Eureka on. Yeah. And talked about the gin man can. By the way, I've never seen that video. If anyone here works at the whole Gusworks and had to watch a video, let me have a look at it. Of one guy telling a story and another guy going, what? Just like really awkwardly dubbed over with something like,

oh, we're going to get a lot of Gus today. And then the other guy just crying and being a bit sick clearly thrown up in his mouth so old stinker he was spotted at Balmston Drain do you know that? near Beverley a woman

she doesn't move fast a slow woman. Sort of the Hull's version of the lazy Susan. So slow you can give directions relative to her. Keep going until you see Beverley. She'll be there, you can't miss her. Yeah, you know her, you know Beverley. You'll know when you see her.

We all know her, Beverley. So it's see it we all know a beverly so it's near beverly it's near beverly which is a little lovely town on the outskirts of hull and the drains run uh i don't really know where they run from and to you know what a drain like a like a drain yeah we have drains in the rest of the country this is looks like something out of it it's like a big huge thing that runs into the river. I don't know. I've never been to the end of it, actually. There's a quote from an 80-year-old resident

who'd lived in the area his whole life. He said, I used to go swimming in the drain when I was about seven. We used to call it Leckie because it was the water source for the local power station. The power station would heat up the water, meaning you could swim in it all year round. The water level was a lot higher than it is now. I wouldn't like to take a dip in it now though there's no such

thing as this werewolf though i have never seen anything i mean that sounds accurate i believe that i was ready to disparage his drain swimming until I found out that it was actually a supply for the... It's all perfectly reasonable. I think it was him, there's a further quote from him and it talks about having kids regularly drowning there and there's probably loads of ghosts of kids. People used to drown all the time. Yeah.

But in the drains, especially, my mum used to go swimming in the drains when she was young and they're so horrible and so scary and the bank out of it is pretty much perpendicular and it's just mud. So loads of kids did die there and my mum, to put me off ever wanting to swim in it, told me this thing of...

What did your mum have to do to put you off swimming in a drain? I'll tell you why you want to stay away from the death hole. Go on. No, go on. What's the sinister story attached to it? She said that when she was younger and she was swimming in it, she tried to get out once and she couldn't. And then when she looked back into the water,

and the water is like almost jet black, when she looked back into the water, there was a witch there who grabbed her ankle and wouldn't let her out. So my mum told me this story and then I, obviously, as you do when you go, I was like, well, that is a fact. So I tell my friends like,

oh, you know, there's a witch in the drain and if you swim in it, she grabs your ankles and she might let you out. So then people, my age, people didn't swim in them. But before that, it was the place to go. It was like a little so you stopped it by spreading that story you stopped it from happening that was all me yeah exclusively i spread so much gossip about this which that people stopped wanting to go for

a swim in the black black water of the drains of drains. It's not like the name even recommends it to you, does it? It's the drains. It's the drains. So I guess the old stinker legend of now is doing that job that your witch legend did for the previous generation. And I know the previous generation before that, there was a story of a headless boy who was on a boat that went up because there's loads of bridges or something,

and he was decapitated on the bridges, despite the fact a boat has never sailed up there. It's a drain. A boat has never gone fast enough to decapitate someone. It's not a train, is it? It wouldn't happen. You'd just knock off the boat, wouldn't you? You'd fall down.

I think you'd have enough time to see it coming and go, I think I'm going to duck in a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah i'm out of the way i've not been decapitated um yeah there's another made up recent made up legend of hull i found was that there's menabe a polar bear buried under the high street what because apparently there's there were regularly polar bears in like the zoo in hull somehow somehow. I don't know how. There was one in Skeggynest Butlins. Skeggy Butts? Yeah, Skeggy Butts. Big polar bear in Skeggy Butts.

Yeah, sure. I've been to Skeggy Butts. Skeggy Butts had a polar bear. Early 90s? Oh, mate, that's after my time. Yeah, man. Skeggy Butts. I can't believe I missed it. There's loads of tunnels under Hull as well maybe that's where the polar bear is

because there's an old pub there called the Black Boy and it's called the Black Boy because there's a tunnel that runs from the pub to the docks and that's where they used to unfortunately bring in the black boys to sell well, sadly that

ended with slavery. But skaggy buts, eh? Yeah, polar bear. Funny 90s polar bear. Listening to Oasis in the 90s. With a big parka on. Yeah. She's like, yeah, I remember the Arctic.

Don't know enough about polar bears or Oasis to continue. That's fantastic. I'm not used to oasis to continue. That's fantastic. I'm not used to this amount of sunshine. That's wet, yeah. That seems all right. End of the bit. Move on to another thing. Yes, so Old Stinker was around...

Originated in the 1100s, these myths and legends of him. His legends started to die out. The last one of the old style was in the late 1700s where a wolf-like monster attacked a stagecoach that was travelling through the Yorkshire Wold, which is a word I read, but I don't know what it was. I think it means forest. I think it's a version of the German word Wald.

It means forest, so I assume it's Old English for forest. I think it's a version of the German word Wald. It means forest, so I assume it's old English for forest. And there's a lot of places... Comment on Twitter and correct me if I'm wrong. What are you going to do, come round my house? Come round your wold. It's my wold, my rules. Means whatever I want it to mean. And also don't come there because there's a witch who'll grab your ankle.

Sorry, Amy, what were you saying? There's loads of places like Easingwold in Yorkshire, which is just outside of York and is very rural and probably is a bit foresty. Shall we look it up and check while we're here? Because I don't want to be humiliated. I am really gutted about my Azizes. Which one's correct?

It's Azizes. It's Azizes and you said Azizes for the whole podcast. You said it right. Was I right? Yes. Oh, that's nice. Don't act surprised. i do enjoy that feeling hey i'm about to be humiliated over wold wold humiliated sounds like a village uh a piece of high open uncultivated land it's the opposite of a

forest opposite of a forest yorkshire wolds aonb what does that mean not safe for work area of outstanding natural beauty. Oh, right. I may have kicked the microphone in anger there. So if that was unusable, James has looked up what wold means, and it's not a forest. No, opposite. Those Germans lied to me.

Could I change my name to Amy Gledwold? Oh, yeah. I don't know if we said your surname at the start of the podcast, which is Gledhill. Yes. I said Gledhill, but I said it like Gleddle. Gleddle. I might have said Gleddle.

Gleddle. Which makes it sound like a fancy spoon from Yorkshire. Don't start arsing about, old hit your wit, Gleddle. Get on with the story, James. So, yeah, the monster attacked the stagecoach, shot at it, it escaped. It wasn't seen again for another couple of hundred years until the 1960s in fact 1960 a truck drive swinging coal yeah polar bears are all

doing kink songs and so forth they're kind of the same vibe as the oasis very similar yeah a truck driver saw some red lights off the side of a lonely road, and he stopped because he thought a car had maybe crashed or something, and he slowed down to see what was going on, and then a giant wolf attacked his truck, and he realised the two red lights were the wolf's eyes. Ooh. And he drove off, and then that was it for a bit.

It's actually pronounced wolf-zeezers. and then that was it for a bit. It's actually pronounced Wolves-ee-sers. But in 1975, there'd been reports of werewolves in Cannock Chase. Do you know about that? No. Me neither. Couldn't find out that much information about it. Apart from there were sightings of werewolves, UFOs and the pig man.

Who's the pig man? Don't know. Some people think it might be part of an experiment gone wrong. From pig that means pig. Old Stinker was quiet until 2015 when someone saw something around the Humber on two legs, then he went down onto four legs then two legs then jumped 30 feet across the river wow leapt probably more than jumped sounds bad doesn't it someone saw a

figure jumping over an embankment and then a couple saw at barnston drains saw this man eating a german shepherd dog thank Thank you. Terrifying. And he jumped over an eight-foot fence with the dog in his mouth. What? Yeah, old stinker. Wow. So is there, like, evidence of this then? So did they find the dog, the remains of the dog?

We don't ask those sort of questions. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. No, there isn't. I thought that maybe it would say once and for all that old stinkinker is real. In May 2016, everyone got together to go find a werewolf. Do you know what they found?

What did they find? They found that it was too wet and rainy, so they all went home. Oh. Mmm, coincidence. And that's Old Stinker's at large, as far as we know. So he remains at large? He remains at large. That's the end of the story.

They tried to look for him, but it was wet. It was too wet, so they called it off wow yeah so there's an eight foot man at large in hull who's hairy with a very human-like face and terrible breath i think they'll find a couple well funny you should say that a cannibal werewolf lived on reed's island in the river humber a different one a cannibal man a cannibal were man? A cannibal werewolf. Oh, a cannibal werewolf. So he ate other werewolves? Yeah, I guess.

There's a shack on Reed's Island in the Humber estuary. And this vagabond started living there. And people started to disappear. And they finally figured out it's probably something to do with that weirdo in the shack. They went over there. And it was full of skeletons. skeletons skulls and bones of humans and so they arrested the man took him to court and turned into a howling werewolf and escaped the court wow when was this 1986 i don't know i don't think it's got a date on it oh um it happened about 400 years ago all right so all those people would have been dead anyway by now or turned into wolves score time I don't think it's got a date on it. Oh, it happened about 400 years ago. Wow.

All right. So all those people would have been dead anyway by now. Or turned into wolves. Score time. Yes, score time. What is your first category for me, Amy and James? First category is... Supernatural.

Supernatural. Okay. Are werewolves supernatural? Or are they the product of an experiment gone wrong a la pigman yeah we're not talking about pigman yet his bitter rival yeah i yes i think yes you think werewolves are supernatural so it's a magical effect of the moon on the man turns into a witch's curse or something else supernatural okay because arguably we could just be dealing with a truck driver who lied and some idiots. Yes.

But we're not. But we're not. It's a supernatural phenomenon. Yeah. All right. Is he jumping 30 foot? He's jumping eight foot with a dog in his mouth? He has red eyes.

Bright red eyes. Very red. Pretty supernatural then. Very supernatural. It's very supernatural. It's daring to hang out in the drains. Have you heard about the witch? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We've got to have a witch that your mum invented. I don't... Look, I don't know if she invented it. You haven't gone back to check? No, I couldn't because I was too scared of the witch. No, I didn't mean to check whether the witch was real. I haven't asked my mum if she lied. I meant to ask...

Because my dad told me he lived underneath Timmy Mallet and I haven't checked because I don't want to know if that's not true. He lived underneath Timmy Mallet? Timmy Mallet lived to the floor above him and it used to annoy him because he always used to walk around in clogs. No.

No, I don't want to know if that's not true. What happened to Timmy Mallet? Is he now on a farm where there's no people living below him so he can walk around in clogs without annoying anyone so out of five for supernatural werewolves i'm going to say it's it's a three unless you can make it a four by saying the number four in a werewolf style ey. Four. All right, it's a four. Thank you.

I didn't know if I was going to like it. I did. It was a four. Yes. Should have said five. Five. It's harder. It's harder.

It doesn't work, does it? Five. I deliberately chose the only number that worked. Five. That sounds like a Welshman falling over. Actually, no. We know they'd say pimp. So, second category, names.

If you don't give us five for this one, I'm calling the police. Old stinker. All right, what have we got? Old stinker. Sex how? Willie how? Jisborough. Wet wang. That's not written on the page.

You just brought that one. I don't even know if that's a real place it it is a real place I like that that started to turn into a beat then let me tell you

about wet wang here we go she's Amy Glennell and she's here to say she's gonna get your wang and make it wetter in a way

sorry Amy I think that technically counts as sexual harassment it's all right i was coming out of a bush earlier it's not got any better it's five out of five then just to gloss over any awkwardness there i had an unhilarious bit of um supernatural animal based uh observational comedy yeah Yeah, go for it. Why of all of the supernatural beasts, why are they named after questions? You've got the werewolf. Oh, yeah.

You've got the witch. The wendigo. And Henry Hoover. That was the only thing. I was clutching at straws at the end there. I don't know if you know this. Very much tailed off. So five still?

Can we still have five? If we did halves, it would be four and a half for that, but we don't, so it's five. That's good. Next category. Next category is...

Oh, you can't read my writing. Is Crap Towns. We've got Hull. We've got Beverley. Beverley's a person. Yeah, she's no longer a listener. We're losing listeners by the second. I mean, Hull sounds awful.

I mean, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Now, you need to know, I love Hull. Hull runs through my veins. Like drains. Like the black, black water. Like the black, muddy waters of my veins. Like drains. Like the black water. Like the black muddy waters of my childhood. But Hull is,

and I say this with affection, a real crap place. I've only been once and it was to the gasworks. Have you visited Hull? I don't think I've been. I've been to quite a few places in Yorkshire. I don't think... I've lived in Yorkshire for years

and for some reason I never got on one of the. I've been to quite a few places in Yorkshire. I don't think... I've lived in Yorkshire for years, and for some reason, I never got on one of the tour buses going out to Hull. No, it never happened. Scarborough, yes, please. They've got terror towers. Yeah, true. But what's Hull got?

Just terror. World's only Submarium, actually. Submarium? It's a word we invented so that we can have the world's only one of it. It's just an aquarium. But it's got Mary in it. It's got Mary in it. Beverly's mate, yes.

It's got that. Is Mary the witch from the underwater dreams? She may well be. She may well be because they call it a Submarion because something to do with the lift. You can get a lift in the aquarium that takes you low, sub, sub something. So maybe it takes you to see Mary the Witch.

It's sad to think about all those billionaires building themselves bigger towers while only Hull thought, who can go lowest? How can we undercut these billionaires, the Saudis? Who's got a Submarion? You like low? Get in! You don't want to know what Elon Musk thinks of it.

He is slagging it right off. Similarly, if you criticise a Submarion, the people of Hull call you a pedophile just like elon musk would if anything your attempts to recommend hall to me have made me less impressed do you remember the bit where we said we did an extended riff that hull was made up of laminated lino and cod i think it's five out of five. It is five out of five. And it's the only time Hull will win anything. It's a city of culture. I know, but...

Come on. Come on. Culture in the bacterial sense. So you got five, but you betrayed Hull. How does it feel? That's fine. I do it for a three. They'll have your back.

I'd do it for a three. They'll have you back. She's locked in a submarine until she realises what she did wrong. It just goes through layer on layer of lino, cod, lino, cod, lino, cod, old lino, old cod. You can see just slices of the different designs from different periods of lino. And designs from different periods of cod. I think there might be some bleed over into the final category

of stench. It's been a very stinky podcast. We've got a burp that was a fart. I'd already blanked that from my mind. We were going to invite him on. Oh no. Get him some mints going to invite him on. Oh, no. Get him some mints before you bring him in.

Some mints. Some mints. Some mints, yeah. Just raw mints, picking away. It's better. That's what they have instead of popcorn

in the Submarine Hall. Box of mints. Raw meatballs. We've got the drains. There's no way they smell friendly. No. With the black, black water. Black, black water in the drains.

We've got the... There's a decomposing polar bear in a racist tunnel. We've got the cod linovianetta. And the breath. And the breath of old Stinker himself. Yeah. It's a five, isn't it? Yes.

It's a five. I can't fault it for stench. That's how. That's the slogan of all. You can't fault it for stench. Say what you like. Say what you like, but we stink. Oh, sorry, whole people.

No, we're happy with that we like that we've i feel like we've we've still shown all in its in its true authentic colors we've done well before we go i mean is there anything you would like to plug there is actually so i'm part of a double act called the delightful sausage and we are on tour of all the crap towns in the UK. We're not going to Hull, actually, but we are on tour. They tried again. I know, it's so bad. Oh, dear. April and May.

And you can find out where we'll be on our Twitter or our website, which just type in The Delightful Sausage into whatever you want and we'll pop up. Just an ATM. Yeah. Put in your phone. Give us a call. Just ask the question at the television. A voice will respond.

Teletext. Reveal. you've been listening to lawmen with me alistair beckett king and i am james shakeshaft and amy gladhill who has left the room so we can say what we really think which was she's lovely isn't she isn't she nice she's very nice and also very funny if you have any comments or opinions about what we said

about Hull keep them to yourselves yeah especially if you like Hull have they got the internet in Hull but if you have nice things to say about

the podcast then you can leave us a review give us a rating recommend us to a friend or give us a comment on one of the social media outlets

thanks for listening let me just pop these on sorry i keep bashing that i'm angry at myself more every time it's fine we've been uh we've been pretty good for bumps and knocks this time it's been one of the least bumpy stinky but smooth extremely stinky like hull because of the fish

and the liner slide right off you want to wipe clean surface if you cover it with fish yeah yeah