Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep14: Loremen S3 Ep14 - Sunil Patel - King Bladud of Bath

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

Bath comedian Sunil Patel ( BBC Asian Network) dons the mantle of Deputy Loreperson in this Covid-19 Lockdown Special. Sequestered in our separate garrets, sheds and jazz lounges, we learn the story of King Bladud. Bladud was a daredevil, a leper, an assistant pig farmer and founder of the city of Bath. Now that's a portfolio career. Who petrified the Keynsham snakes? Is it possible to fly from Bath to London, Icarus-style? Does Sunil Patel's mum know he's on TV? Find out in Episode 14. @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @SunilDPatel

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And this week we have another deputy lawperson, Sunil Patel. Not in the studio, because we're recording this during the corona thing. I'm in a shed on my own. I'm in a flat on my own. And Sunil was in his house as well on his own. And yet through the magic of audio, we're going to create the illusion that we're all sitting together before a roaring fire, hearing an extraordinary tale. But with all sorts

of weird, different background noise going on. Today we're joined remotely, at great distance, by the public figure, comedian and beard owner, Sunil Patel. Hello. Hello. I thought you were going to say broadcaster, as I refer to myself as broadcaster. Broadcaster. Oh.

I guess we're all broadcasters now, aren't we? Broadcaster. Sorry, broadcaster. We have an accent problem that's going to come up in this show, because I know that you're from Bath. Bath. And I also know that people in Bath... I'm not going to bring it up you're the one who always brings it up in bath don't know how to pronounce bath bath i'll happily it takes too long to say do you know what you're entitled to your ill-informed opinion and that is why the world

is in the state it's in i'm afraid so do i have to say bath you can say what you want i'm is it offensive to no not at all i'm very open to different cultures different people yeah it's you call it whatever makes you happy and i'll be able to translate i'm gonna call it newcastle no come on no the spanner in the works there we go and manchester oh it really is does do you suffer that set the same pain in the stomach when you hear that when i say bath does it cause that suffering oh no not at all i genuinely i genuinely don't we at school we had a northern boy and we got used to it like a pet yeah no it wasn't a pupil you got you had to take him home once a week didn't you yeah changes water we had him when he had babies do you know i like the north i've got a lot of love for it i've been in the north recently

um i was in york delightful sheffield very nice uh leeds all the all of the north big fan manchester that was nice hmm is that helpful yeah i'm just you know i'm aware that people in the north have a real issue with people in the south i don't feel the same way i feel like we're all one all god's people it's very much a one-way rivalry yeah i think do you know we've had our conversations in the past haven't we long drawn out affairs uh which i won Overall I think I don't remember ever having disagreed with you No I think we Lived together in Edinburgh briefly a few years ago

And I remember having long chats with you Very informative, very interesting I think we're both good people Open to other opinions I don't know about James But I think we're on the same page i think so james i think it's it's bath so you're from bath oh pass me another glass of should we just call it aqua sulis as it as the

romans called it should we go back far enough that people don't actually understand the dialect? Aquasoulis. That's an amazing name. Sunil, you're a bath boy. That's right. I think that's what they call people from Bath, isn't it? A Bathonian. A bather.

Bath's 80th favourite son. I don't know how many others there are. I don't even think... Honestly, I don't think people in Bath know who I am or that i'm even from there well my mom said that she said a fat man came up to her on the street and said your son's a comedian and he's on tv and then she went no he isn't because she didn't know about it so i think he might be the only person who knows well look i mean you can't really blame your lack of fame on that if you're not even telling your parents,

if you're keeping it that quiet, because you've got TV credits, but if your mum doesn't know that. No, but Alistair, that fat man was him. He was like one of those time travel things. What year is this? Who's the president? Is Sunil Patel a comedian yet?

Listen, I think the fat man must have seen me on an advert. I think that's it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's where the money is, isn't it? I'll tell you what. I'm doing all right. Of course. Nice, nice.

You've always said minted. That's the air you carry yourself with. No. Minted. Is it? Well, it shouldn't be. I mean... But what do you mean you own a lot of mints?

It's because I carry a lot of mints it's because i carry a lot of mints on me what do you want peppermint spearmint after eight tree boar polos he's got them whenever i've struggled for money i've always made sure i've i've kept enough like i always spend on um luxury items i think it's best poverty is an attack on humanity isn't it so you know you must always keep up the niceties in life is Is that why you're always looking so slick? I think so. If that is true, that I look slick, it's because I care more about what people think of me

than I, you know, than I should. This ties in very well to the story, actually, doesn't it? Alistair, have you ever heard of King Bladdered? King Bladdered? Yes. That's a Mancunian phrase for drunk. Kim Bladdered. King Bladdered? Yes. That's a Mancunian phrase for drunk. Kim Bladdered. Yeah, exactly.

He's a person, not just what people from the north get on a Friday night. King Bladdered. I have never heard of King Bladdered. He's King Lear's dad. Oh, I've heard of that. Right. And King Lud's son, King Lud Hubridus. So is he real? I don heard of that. Right. And King Lud's son, King Lud Hubridus. So is he real?

I don't think so. Yes, I know that because of the subject matter of this podcast. He's apparently the, he was the eighth king of Britain, descendant from Brutus, who apparently named Britain. Oh, yeah. Or something. And this is like centuries before Jebus and stuff like that. It's a long, long time ago.

Well before the Romans, isn't it? Well before the Romans, yeah. So he was the prince, prince-bladdered, and he got leprosy. Bad luck. I know. They banished him, and he had to go into self-isolation. Very timely.

First of all, before he went, his mother was very upset, and she gave him a special ring so that he could prove who he was if he ever came back presumably because his face would have fallen off or something what do you have on your face when you have like scabs and that i think all bits of you fall off i thought yeah i thought legs and that fall off yeah i think what it technically does is it attacks the nerve endings so you can't feel anything so when you damage something you don't know that you've knocked your leg off or something so yeah you don't know that you've knocked your leg off yeah it's a week later and you haven't noticed yeah yeah leprosy yeah leprosy standard

leprosy situation i think i'm not getting through my shoes as much as i normally do so yeah he he he self-isolated um and he was just eating berries any birds he could catch and presumably if we've learned anything had a lot of toilet paper any birds he could i'm king bladded on the lookout for birds moved to a different northern town where have you got this information from James? From a little book called Somerset Legends by Berta Lawrence I want that book It's a good book, it was like three quid

Off the internet, published in 1973 Can you hold it up to the camera So we can see the cover? Horrible horrible typeface But I love that folk horror photograph What do you call that typeface, just horror? I think it's called like Charleston or something like that. Not to suggest a Rain Man

like ability to recognise all fonts. Oh, that's from the Bath Central Library as well. It's from the actual Bath Library, yeah. I used to spend a lot of time in there. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Isn't that a stolen book? Have you stolen this book from a library? Yes. Or is it Ex Libris, as Romans say? Nerd.

Using Latin. Get out. So, Bladdered. He ended up in a place called Kensham. Is that still a place? Do you know of Kensham? Kainsham. Thank you very much. Home of Bill Bailey, actually.

That's where he was from. Absolutely horrid little town. Horrid little town, Kensham. Halfway between Bath and Bristol. What's where he was from. Oh, right. Actual Bill Bailey. Absolutely horrid little town. Horrid little town, Keynesham. Halfway between Bath and Bristol. That's right. What's halfway between Bath and Keynesham? Dunno. Saltford. Is that helpful? No. No. Okay, Keynesham.

We're in a Zeno's Paradox of horrible towns. In between each one, there's another horrible town. And in between that town, there's another horrible town. Each more unpleasant than the last. Keensham was so horrible, it was full of venomous snakes. That can't be right. They've worked that out because a few hundred years later,

St. Kenya turned them into snake stones. Oh, yes, of course. And people dug those up. Yeah, you know, ammonites. Yeah, they thought they were snakes. That's what they thought they were. They thought they were snakes that had been turned to stone. Easy mistake they were snakes that had been turned to stone mistake to make by saint kenya easy mistake to make that what annoys me is as soon as you said it was full of snakes so no said that isn't correct

you immediately cut in with skepticism and unfortunately it turned out you were right but what i want to say is young man that attitude is not going to fly on this podcast you can't just keep cutting in with nope didn't know this doesn't seem true at all. This whole thing seems nonsense. A whole village full of snakes. A little bit difficult to believe. I'm sorry, let's concentrate on the facts. Let's concentrate on the facts here.

They were fossils and they weren't snakes. Fine. Okay. No, understood. I've been told off quite rightly. No, no. Those snakes are inadmissible, James. They're out.

That was a... The snake stones were a sidebar. Okay. James, no. Those snakes are inadmissible, James. They're out. That was a... The snake stones were a sidebar. Okay. James, answer me this. Where are the f***ing snakes now? They're stones, mate. What, all of the snakes turned to stone, is it? And they all curled up into exactly the same sleeping position. And who turned them into stone?

St. Kenya. St. Kina. Kina, as in Keynsham. No, Kenya. Is it? Not St. Kenya. Yeah. K yeah k-e-y-n-a yeah hence kainsham in it she's a keener that was quite an insult at our school what's a keener keener keener what you doing keener yeah k-e-y-n-a is yeah i've misread that well done so kainsham yeah yeah i thought she was saying kenya no don't worry don't worry it's an easy mistake to make so kainsham, yeah. Yeah, I thought she was St. Kenya. No, don't worry. It's an easy mistake to make. So Cainsham because it was St. Kenya and Sham because of the whole lie about the snake stones. I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, Bladderd finally got work as the lowest of the low, a pig farmer's assistant. Assistant pig farmer. Assistant to the pig farmer. A sub-swineherd. A swineherd's boy. I can't believe. Not even a swineherd a swineherd's boy not even a swineherd swineherd's boy but there

is at least progression did he show potential or not well uh the pigs caught leprosy so i don't know i don't know what he was doing to him it's the one thing they didn't want to happen right i'm going to look up how you contract leprosy because i don't know what he's done to those pigs it's touching i don't know is it touching it's not i'm not emotional i mean it's literally contact with the mucosal secretions of a person with the infection make of that what you will okay he sneezed on them well i think what we can say is he was a terrible swineherd's boy because he kept farming them what are you gonna do well they weren't even his pigs no they were the swineherd's pigs he's a swineherd boy it gives him leprosy and then what he does is like drives him further into the forest to keep away from the swineherd so he doesn't get found

out but why even keep the pigs no one's gonna want to buy bacon that's got leprosy this is the problem with making you know the upper classes do a normal job. They will f*** it up, won't they? Exactly. Just running from any sort of responsibility. Yeah, it's like when Prince Andrew claimed to have temporarily been a swineherd for a while. He remembers the exact time he wasn't a swineherd, though. He couldn't be a swineherd because he was in a war. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he lost his ability to sweat.

No, let's show a little bit more respect to Prince Andrew. Come on. Okay, he could be a swineherd's boy. So, yeah, he kept farming them, drove them deeper into the forest, drove them across a little shallow bit of the River Avon, which is still known as Swineford. Don't know it.

Is it? Don't know it. Swineford? Never heard of it. Never heard of it, mate. And then in this other bit of the forest, he made pens for the pigs. So he's basically stolen these pigs now from the swine herd,

given them leprosy, stolen them. And then one morning they all ran away. Well, I thought he'd made pens. He just made pens. Yeah, but he let them out. And then he finally found them wallowing in a swamp. And he lured them away with acorns, washed the mud off. And it looked like some of their leprous sores

was not so bad as they were in the first place. And this kept happening, day after day. They kept running away to this swamp, and he kept cleaning them off, and the leprosy got better and better until they were cured of leprosy. And then finally thought, I'm going to try this myself. Finally the penny dropped. He got into the swamp, and he lured himself out with acorns over a series of days. And washed himself off, and finally he was cured of leprosy.

Nice. Well done. Well, what a wonderful story. So he went back to the home, to his parents, the king and queen, got to the court, he's not being let in. Sorry to interrupt, James. Is that the end of the pig subplot? That's the end.

We don't find out what happened to the pigs, to the swineherd? No, that's the end of it. Really? That's the end of it. I'm invested in those guys. Are they not coming back? No. He's just left them behind. He got what he wanted from the pigs, to the swine herd. No, that's the end of it. I'm invested in those guys. Are they not coming back? No. He's just left them behind.

He got what he wanted from the pigs. Someone else can deal with it now. Oh, right. So while he had leprosy, it was all about the pigs. Yeah. And as soon as it's cured, we've forgotten the pigs were even right. Someone else's pigs again. I don't know how long he was with these pigs, but they're not him.

Yeah, these are stolen pigs. But he's clearly formed a bond. He's wallowing in mudbats with them. He would have had a connection with those pigs. Well, he did. How did they get leprosy? They were obviously close. And then they're sort of in a jacuzzi situation.

You know, they're going to swap stories. They're going to bond. Yeah. But he just walked away from it all cold. Very cold-hearted man. He's trying to go back to take his birthright. Okay, fair enough. Which is not pigs.

So he goes... What's he the king of? Britain. All of it? Well, Britain in them days was basically as far north as the Watford Gap. Oh, yeah, because... And then you've got your Dane land. Oh, no, actually, that's later on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But basically, it was a... You've got people like Al land. Oh no, actually that's later on. But basically it was a... You've got people like Alistair, who clearly descended from Vikings. Yeah, real sort of macho alpha male guys like me. Inherently violent and warlike. Yeah, just burly blobs of testosterone rolling around the hills like marbles. Oh, that's horrible. That's a horrible image. Yeah, like a dropped meatball just gathering sort of bits of wool and twigs.

Marauding and killing monks. That's what you were doing. Yeah, just ploughing through worshipful buildings. Taking an axe to a monastery. That was your previous life. That's me, yeah. Just posing for Usborne books of the Vikings. Decided to really smash a friar in the face.

Believe in God, dear. What do you think your Viking descendants would think of you now? I think they'd be pleased that I'd moved up in the world and gained sort of middle-class skills and status. Yeah. What's your supermarket of choice? Sainsbury's.

I suppose they'd be pleasantly happy with that, yeah. Rather than Netto, the only Viking supermarket. You haven't made it to Ocado yet, but there's still time. No one can. It's been shut down because of the crisis. The crisis, that's it. Social mobility has stopped. Ocado has stopped accepting new members.

The middle class is finished. It's no more room. I've never seen a business give up like a Cardo did. It's amazing. It kind of, the whole of capitalism is collapsing because like the whole essence of people wanted our business too much. So we had to stop doing it.

How is that possible? There was so much demand for our business. We're out of business. It's the opposite of what should have happened. My local shop gave me £1.30 off my shopping because I didn't have the exact change because he's making so much money he doesn't care. Really? Never happened before.

So what shop do you shop in? What's your corner shop? It's actually like, it's a corner shop, but it also has lots of Italian stuff because the owner is half Italian. Nice. I get a load of pasta and stuff from there. Oh, it's got some beautiful meats,

like imported from Italy. Italian snacks. Probably not anymore. Pastas, tinsins of... Every one of them deeply infected with the plague. Heavily discounted. Well, it wasn't worth it. The delicious meats, I don't care. I thought you were going to say Mamma Mia at one point. I'm working on the Italian accent.

Are you looking at any other sources apart from the dolmio dolls and that wasn't a pun on sources by the way that wasn't intention wasn't an intentional pun on sources but i'm i'm happy that it was there he's got a dancing italian waiter in his head at the moment that's all it's not my culture and i don't understand it but but like so now i respect it so he went back to reclaim his birthright yes he goes back to the court but he's not let in because he stinks of pig i nearly spat water everywhere that's dangerous when you're on a laptop so he went back to the court he manages to persuade one of the servants to put that ring from earlier in the queen's cup that's very much not maintaining social distancing that's disgusting this is a very very sort of cinema theatrical device isn't it why don't you just say i'm here i'm the son here's

the ring here's the ring and then show the ring she makes a big toast during the dinner drinks the drink and sees the ring and realizes that he he's there, Bladderd's there. Where's Bladderd? She shouts. And he's reinstated and becomes prince again. Although I don't think, if you knew that you'd given a ring to someone with leprosy and then you finished your drink

and you recognised that ring in the bottom of it would you be, how happy would you be? Not very. Leper's ring. Touched him. He's probably put mucus on it you'd be slightly worried that he's he'd climbed into the wine barrel yeah and dissolved oh yeah leaving only the ring i wasn't but now i am this seems like a period of time where almost anything could happen uh what with the woman turning snakes into stones you'd be terrified of absolutely everything oh that's not for a few hundred years.

Oh, right. So the snakes are still out there now at this time of the story. That's why we know that the snakes were there, because not Kenya, the other one, Kenya. Kenya. I do just want to know, Alistair, when you eat at Christmas time, when you have a Christmas pudding and you find coins in that, do you think that a wallet dissolved into the pudding?

I assume a rich man has been baked inside it or a busker so yeah he's reinstated um he travels to greece and learns mathematics philosophy and necromancy what's the necromancy uh raising the dead that's useful it is yeah you say that with experience i know all the i know all the omancies um alchamancy oniromancy i think it is skunkamancy end the podcast there i think we're done i think we're done skunkaman antsy excellent stuff so he when he later becomes king he sets up the town there of bath around these um hot springs and that's why they're there today and in fact on the roman bars there used to be a painting there was a painting of him um scattering his acorns and the pigs following him and there's nothing you can read into that at all. So just to understand this,

Bath, the famous spa town, began as a muddy pool, a bog that pigs were wallowing in. Yeah. What a disgusting origin story. Yeah, the other places around it were actually settled way before Bath. So yeah, because Bath is in the middle of a a valley but they didn't realize there was hot springs there because they're fools i don't know where i don't know where the hot springs came from what was the

myth there was a myth that someone dropped a big stone the size of a tree into into some water and that turned into hot springs something that bladdered was a magician in league with the devil and um he buried a massive hot rock which heats the water i don't know where hot springs come from either does anyone it's and they actually do come from very hot rocks because they're so far down that they're near the lava and stuff like that so it's kind of true not it's not kind of true that a magician did it who's in league with the devil um so but some people believe that he created the hot stream i don't really don't understand this one some people believe that he created the hot stream i don't really don't understand this one some people think that he created the hot springs bladdered by burying four barrels or tons

two were made of brass and two were made of glass which just seems like more and more ways to wind up the north yeah brass brass and glass please goodness sake. Which were filled with salt and brimstone. That's probably the salt of the earth as well. Salt and brumstone. And that's what heated the springs. And there was something else about them turning into spherical stones when they were done, but it's all very confusing. Oh, come on.

For God's sake. It almost sounds like an ancient battery, you know? Like sort of different kinds of metal and an electrolyte. A bartery. But do you want to know how he died, old King Bladdered? Yeah, go on. Because of all his fancy Greek learning, he decided to make a pair of magic wings.

Oh, yes. And fly all the way from Bath, and he crashed into London. No, no, no, no, no, no. No? He died in Bath. He crashed into London. No, no, no, no, no, no. No? He died in Bath. He crashed into Bath. Oh, I thought... He went from the top of the hill.

He was trying to fly to London, but he fell very quickly. And just hit the Temple of Apollo. I was going to say, because there's a huge margin of error there between he crashed into Bath and he crashed into London. Yeah, it is... It's still a couple of hours on the train today into Bath and he crashed into London. Yeah, it is. It's still a couple of hours on the train today.

They think he was struck down by God. He was struck down by gravity. But Christian versions of this, Christian sort of interpretations of that say that because, like Icarus as well, like God was angry because it mocked Jesus's ascension. Oh. But all these things, but these happened before Jesus was around. Yeah, Icarus. Hundreds of years ago.

I mean, I'm put in mind of the flat earther who just died in a rocket test to see if the Earth was flat. At the time of recording, that happened recently. Did you follow that story? No. I heard someone had died, but I didn't know he was a flat earther.

Yeah, a flat earther had been building a rocket so he could fly up and see the curvature of the earth or lack thereof for himself but it turned out that he was mad and it didn't work and he died his maths all wrong i don't know what happened i don't know if he exploded or if he just fell out of the sky it's also possible though that god struck him down for mocking christ's ascension and that the earth is flat. Yeah, that is true. Literally anything is possible. No, I'm really pleased that we've gone from a town couldn't be full of snakes

to literally anything is possible. Well, because he's a descendant of Brutus, which is what we said earlier. And that's the myth that that was a Roman lad who came over and became the first king of Britain. Brutus, top Roman lad. Brute of Troy. But he's a descendant of Trojan hero

Anus. Wonder what his weak spot is. That wouldn't be Aeneas, would it? Yeah, I did it for comic effect. It was unnecessary. His girlfriend was Dido. Try and make a joke about Dido. Try and mispronounce that. You can't.

But I never even knew about the whole idea that that was a Roman guy who was the first king of Britain. Yeah, I think the same myth, sort of the same probably not true myth, that Aeneas left Troy after the siege, went to found Rome, and that Brutus left Rome and founded Britain.

Didn't happen. Mad. Mad that. Didn't happen. So who did set up Britain? Oh, it was these two twins who were suckled by wolves. Anton Decker. A couple of twins that were suckled by wolves. A lot of people don't know that, but if you check Biker Grove,

that is actually that origin story. So Biker Grove was an allegory all along. Historical. Fantastic. Historical epic drama. It's like Game of Thrones. People don't realise that Jeff wasn't actually a person. It was an honorary title and when he dies it'll pass on to anybody else with that beard.

They remove the beard. It's like the crown. To whom will the beard fall? Alright, I think it's score time, James. Yeah, it's like the crown. To whom will the beard fall? All right, I think it's score time, James. Yeah, let's do some scores. So what's the first category? Naming, the old favourite. So what names have we got?

What names have we got that you didn't make more interesting by mispronouncing? Like Anus and Kenya. And St Kenya. What was the mum's name? Never found out the mum's name. Oh, shall I find out now? Sexist. I couldn't find it. King Bladdered. King Bladdered.

Alright, that's a strong name. King Bladdered is a really strong opening. The only time I'd ever heard the name Bladdered, really, and I never thought about it having seen it around Bath, is the only thing was that there's a pub called the Bladdered Arms, which is quite funny, and that was the only thing I really knew about. Those are all terrific names. Thanks for slipping in that

good pub name. Do we know any of the pigs' names? Squeaky, Squealy, Slippy? No. Yes, James, can you tell us the pigs' names, please? From your book? No. From your book he stole from the library? He didn't give them names. The snakes, do the snakes have names? Squeaky,

Slippy, Slidy? Snake Stones. I do like the word snake stones or keenest stones that's all right i think you're looking at a four out of five unless you can pull out something really strong that i have forgotten um the dad was called lud huddy bras no no that's nonsense that's nonsense is that true did you just make that up that is absolutely no that's the dad's name. That's the king. His name was Ludhuddybras. King Ludhuddybras.

Right, I'm going to have to Google it now. And of course, the name of the town, Bath. It's five out of five. I don't even want to know if Ludhuddybras is just a noise you made up. No, let's go for it. That's fine. Let's just add to the myth, even if that's not true. Just for people listening to this, James is just smiling at the moment. He's just smiling and he won't stop.

Sorry. Yes. Next category. Second category. Lay it on me. Supernatural. Supernatural. It is a low score, plummetingly low.

It's approaching absolute zero, which is minus 273, I think. Magic wings. Magic wings. No, they're real wings. No, no 273, I think. Magic wings. Magic wings. No, they're real wings. No, no, no. They were not magic wings. Just wax and feathers, isn't it? A man with the ability to jump off a building and fall is all we've got.

Bringing the dead to life? He learned necromancy, but we don't know if he practiced it. The big rock. Big hot rock. That's not true, though, is it? Yeah. That bit's not true, no. And also, is a big hot rock supernatural?

It depends if the devil gave it to you. If a volcano were erupting, would you be going, oh, spooky. Physics-wise, it makes sense. So it's not supernatural,

I guess. It's not. These are all easily explicable. Snakes turn to stone. And if he was here, King Bladderd was here, he would be going, but how have those pigs magically got leprosy?

There's no way they could have got them by any other means. Pigs can't talk, right? It's a one out of five for how slippy and squeaky and squealy the pigs mysteriously got a contagious disease from a man who spent a lot of time with them unsupervised. One out of five. Okay, well, that brings us to the next topic. Unsung heroes.

Who are the unsung heroes? The pigs! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slippy, squeaky. Nippy. Babe, babe two pig in the city. They're the ones who found out about the water first,

didn't they? That is true. Yeah, the animal testing that he did. As always, yeah, you're right, the royals are taking advantage and exploiting people around them. Good hard-working pigs. As I call everyone around me as I walk through London.

Is this what you wanted to hear, Alistair, isn't it? That's what you wanted to hear. Yeah, look out the window. Look at you, hard-working pigs. To me, you're nothing more than a pig with leprosy can't wait to open with that when gigs start running again just saying it to the akado man when he delivers you hard-working pig give me my fennel that'll do leprous pig that'll do often thought that my material is like putting pearls before swine anyway they don't deserve it anyway sorry unsung heroes five out of five i don't know what's this no no no so no said it's five out of five um those are the rules of the podcast i don't approve but you

you've said it so it's five out of five for pearls before swine or whatever this category was final category hit me final category is the didn't happen category didn't happen um didn't happen i think it did happen i think it did happen that someone was thought they were cured of leprosy from those waters are you negotiating down your own i care more about the truth than about winning. We've really broken Sunil on this one. It's not about the point. He went from there's no such thing as snakes. I've never seen one. If there's anything I've learned given current circumstances is that we must all pull together in the face of...

Didn't happen. Five out of five. Five out of five. Didn't happen. Didn't happen. Five out of five five out of five didn't happen five out of five loo rolls it really it really didn't happen so okay all right you got you got snakes you got magic pigs those pigs weren't magic okay but it's taught us a lot about ourselves and life yeah don't fly to your death there's a lot of morals a lot of lessons to be learned it's 5 out of 5 it didn't happen I think this is one of the least happened stories we've ever covered

oh I need to listen to the others then because this was bad this one thank you very much Sonal Patel is there anything you would like to plug and the answer is no because last week

Amy Gledhill plugged her tour which the next day was cancelled because of a global crisis so what have you got in the pipeline podcast i suppose haven't we all you do a podcast called why is harriet crying with harriet kemsley oh why is harriet crying of course she insists that i plug that one first so please listen to that uh second one is um but where are you really from which is on bbc sounds that's where we interview people

who aren't white and ask them where are you really from mate that's you and a couple of other people isn't it that's with ishan akbar and yeah and i think basically we don't know how things are going at the moment but we're still scheduled in to do a weekly radio show on the asian network but if you want to listen to that i'll be there mispronouncing every name but it is only for asian people so yes please don't tune in if you're not asian please please don't listen suspect there's a very large ethnic minority listenership for this podcast oh yes massive absolutely massive the italians are always emailing stop doing her accent why are you making fun of my mama they're always saying stuff like that i insist that stays in as well. Insist.

I'm so sorry. The mum in the next room calls through, Mama? Mia? Oh, James. Are you going to finish the podcast on that? No, we can't end on a horribly offensive Italian voice. So thank you very much, Sunil Patel. Pleasure. Thanks for having me on, lads.

It was fun. I learnt something. About pigs. Yeah, about the pigs. Keep your distance. Keep your distance. No matter how tempted you are, it's not worth it. So that was that story, which was very entertaining. I'm sorry that we appear to have broken Sunil's trademark cynicism.

I'm also quite sorry to the Italians. Yeah. And join us next time when, I mean, we don't know what's going to happen. It changes day to day, doesn't it? We might try and make another podcast. See you. Bye. Stay safe.