Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep23: Loremen S3 Ep23 - Evelyn Mok - Swedish Nymphs

Episode Date: May 28, 2020

Swedish comedian Evelyn Mok brings us a selection of Scandinavian stories about nymphs. This episode is like a delicious selection of small, tasty treats. If only there were an appropriate Swedish word for that...   Nope, can't think of one.   Prepare for an abundance of naked nymphs and some phallus-y fallacies, all from Sweden's SECOND best city - Gothenburg.

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And in this episode, we are joined by a deputy lawperson from the Isle of Sweden. Is it an island? No, it's not an island. What is it, a peninsula? by a deputy lawperson from the Isle of Sweden. Is it in Ireland? No, it's not in Ireland. What is it, a peninsula?

A country. And I have to apologise because for two thirds of the episode, I recorded the sound through my web camera by mistake, so I sound like I'm in an old BT telephone box for almost the whole podcast. Because a lot of people don't know that you have a sideline as a cam girl. the whole podcast. Because a lot of people don't know that you have a sideline as a cam girl. So here is Evelyn Mock with an assortment of Swedish nymphs. Evelyn Mock,

thank you for joining us on Lawmen as a deputy law person from the distant land of Sweden. Yay! Hello, thank you for having me, Alistair and James. I was going to ask you how Sweden is, but we're recording this on lockdown, so we know how everywhere it is. It's horrible! How is it? It's inside. Oh no, Sweden's quite outside, isn't it?

Sweden's still outside isn't it sweden's still outside yeah it's still like you can still go to the restaurant you can still go to shopping like three times a day if you want to whoa and you can go and you can loiter in a park if you want to without fearing the stern hand of the law oh wow yeah the shopping thing's good for me because I'm a very forgetful shopper. So it's handy to be able to go back to pick up the eggs that you went out for in the first place. Do you not keep a shopping list? Yes, but I don't keep to it. I see, I see.

This is an illustration of why rules that work in Sweden don't work in the United Kingdom. Do you not have a list that you intend to follow? Oh, yeah. Still didn't do it. Still just didn't buy all that stuff. Just ignored it. It's called Freedom, Regi Magna Carta. Well, here we believe in controlled fun and freedom. As soon as it's regulated.

We actually have a saying in Sweden, which goes, which means literally, let's not have that much fun. And it's usually like, it's usually said if a person goes like, oh, let's get another drink. And it's like, oh,

we're not going to have that much fun. It's a day tomorrow as well. That's how it goes. I'm already thinking you are in, I'm going to say it wrong. I want to say Gothenburg. Yes. You're from Gothenburg. I am in Gothenburg.

But should it be Gothenburg or something? Jotabori. Whoa. Nope. Not acceptable. Jotabori. Yeah, that's pretty good pronunciation. Because I've always read it as Gothenburg, like most Anglophone people.

And I've always pictured it as being like a sort of a goth version of Duckburg from DuckTales. As ducks are to Duckburg, so goths are to Gothenburg. I have always visualized. And I would watch a show called GothTales. That's very accurate, I would say. We just have a bunch of goths. Here in Gothenburg. In Gothenburg that's of a mystery

or think about misery it's a goth world so do you do have a lot of goths in sweden we have a lot of um i remember as a teenager we had emos everybody was emo for a while so you went through that phase with like, dark hair, and then a really long fringe, and a lot of eyeliner, and converse shoes, and you wrote poetry that you would sort of recite for your classmates. But in Gothenburg, I don't know, it's quite quaint. It's very, I would say that Gothenburg is quite, it's like a big, small town. Oh. So we're the second largest town in Sweden. And Stockholm's like the capital. So it's the largest town.

But I would say that Stockholm is like a proper large city. And Gothenburg is like a big, small town. Because Gothenburg has a feud with Stockholm that Stockholm doesn't care about. But Gothenburg really cares about. Gothhamburgians hate stockholmers yeah like manchester and london yeah exactly yeah well like stockholm doesn't care at all and we have a big chip on our shoulder i wanted to ask about um the origin of gothamburg because the origin of gotham as in gotham city of Gotham, as in Gotham City, is Washington Irving's short stories,

because he tells stories about Gotham, which is a town full of idiots, which is meant to be New York City, but he calls it Gotham, i.e. Goat Ham, City of Goats. So I was wondering if Jotunburg, or whatever you said, means Goat Town as well, if it has the same etymology. Yes, just a bunch of idiots running around here. Everybody's so dumb. Sounds like Stockholm propaganda to me.

Yeah. Lowest graduation rate. I think the origin of our town is, so we have like a statue in the middle of town of uh what's his name uh batman of batman and he stands there and he points to the town square and he says i want gothenburg to be built here this was like i can't remember his name it wasn't the king it was somebody else he he was like this famous uh kind of i guess town maker back in the day yeah that sounds like a job yeah so he traveled around like sweden building the towns and he had a big floppy hat and a cape

so kind of like batman yeah or maybe zoro oh he is actually he did have a mustache. His statue has a mustache. So he's more Zorro-y, probably. So the tale goes that he just pointed to the town square and said, I want Gothenburg to be built here. And so they started building it. And it's a seaside town. So we're a port town. So like ships and stuff. So I think they built it to create like a natural kind of port for ships to for trading. So they got people from the Netherlands to come in and build it because Gothenburg has a few canals in town. So they got people who made Amsterdam to come and build Gothenburg to kind of get like a similar layout. It's not though it's not as nice. We have like one canal. It very ikea-ish i think the idea that yeah we'll just turn into a flatback city like that one please yeah we went around the store we saw it we like it we'll have that did you say make make the city here not too big yeah not too big mind you we we still want it to feel small we still want it to have like a kind of complex about itself.

Still small enough to feel insecure compared to Stockholm. Exactly. Exactly. Let's get the second best mayor here, please. So he can rule it. Second best. But then we were a very big port town. It was a labor town, basically.

So I guess very similar to Manchester, like a working class kind of town. And people worked in the docks. And it was here the East Indian Company was set up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So from here, the ships would travel back to Asia and get all the teas and everything that they could steal. Oh, it's got very controversial very early on. Yeah.

It's amazing. You know, we think of corporations like, you know, Tesla and Amazon having huge power now, but the East India Company had its own navy. It did, yeah. Like a corporation had incredible powers. What happened to it? Like, what was its fall down?

Or is it still kind of... I don't know. Was it coffee? Oh. People start drinking something else tizer cola coca-cola vimto came in yeah really load of vimto we just don't want any more of that tea thank you there was the ribena wars wasn't there because ribena was like you can have it hot or cold. We're covering all the bases. Very much the opiate of the kids is at Ribena.

Oh, that's so gross. Hot Ribena. Hot Ribena. Standard Ribena. Ribena Spark. Oh, so Ribena, standard Ribena isn't sparkling. Oh, I see. But you can have like a Bovril or a cup of soup.

Get some bubbles in there. A cup of soup. Carbonated cup of soup. I like that. It's disgusting. We've asked you here to bring us a cup of soup carbonate a cup of soup i like that it's disgusting we've asked you here to to bring us a bit of um swedish folklore well i should say you you are you are swedish and also of chinese descent and we scrupulously didn't ask you to bring chinese folklore because we are not comfortable with making fun of china or chinese people in any way but sweden is a majority white country. So let's go.

Let's make fun of what they believe. Yes. And I am born and raised in Sweden. And so I think I know more Swedish folklore, actually, than I do Chinese, to be honest, which maybe is a letdown to my Chinese ancestors. And I thought immediately of the folklore of nymphs, because apparently there are a lot of nymphs running around in Scandinavia. And they're always naked. So I thought of the most popular nymph, which is, he's called Nekken. I did some research about it. And the etymology,ology apparently it comes from meaning

hippopotamus. I think is that NYKR something like that? The old Norse word. It originally was a sort of a water horse like a Scottish kelpie kind of a creature that used to try and drown people but my understanding is that the Swedish version is quite different. He's very different because the Swedish version is he's a man. He's often naked and he often sits in like streams and he often plays a fiddle or a violin to try and entice you. And then when you come near him, he drowns you. But then for some reason, I don't know why i thought that he tries to seduce people and sleep with them i think maybe that's just me is that just what happened when you met one that's just what happened when we met yeah um and then i got pregnant with a little nymph baby

um but yeah so he and i remember and so he always wears like a, what's it called? Bandana? Like a crown made of flowers. Like a circlet. Yes, yes, exactly. And so I thought that he always used to appear during Midsummer. In Sweden, like Midsummer is really like shrouded in lore because it's the summer solstice. So it shifts time. Also, what you can do is you can pick like seven flowers and you can put it under your pillow. And then during that night, you'll dream of who you're going to marry. And I think like, for some reason, he's always been a part of that for me. The lore is kind of you have to be

careful from Nekken, because he'll try and seduce you and do something harmful to you and also his name is necken which i always like literally translate to the streaker because like in a football match yeah exactly like if your neck like you can be uh naked is knock in in sweden but then you can also be neck which means that you're basically just naked in the nip yeah. Yeah, the naked guy, kind of. The streaker. See, I think that must explain why he... Because across Europe, there are lots of versions of this, and he has lots of different names,

like neck or knocker or knicker in England. N-I-C-K-A-R. I guess it sounds like the Swedish word for naked, and so the Swedes have just made him naked instead of a horrible horse monster. They've just gone, what about a beautiful... I'm kind of upset because like in the wikipedia entry it says the british equivalent is like you'll remember james jenny green teeth the water monster um we've covered in a previous episode whereas the swedish version is like some

sexy timothy chamelet character who i have just found out who he. Because I tried to find an example of an attractive young man. And I really like Timothy Charamalee. Because his name sounds like the person who's saying it has forgotten his name. Yeah. And it's like, Timothy Charamalee. Charamalee. Timothy Charamalee. Yeah, Timothy Charamalee.

Charamalee. Timothy Charamalee. You know that guy with the cheekbones? Yeah, him. I think it's really unfair and incredibly swedish that you get a really beautiful naked person and we're all left with horrible trolls and horses it's so funny because it's like and isn't that such a stereotype that he has to be naked as well because he's swedish swedes are very they're so there's no insecurity when it comes to nakedness or body like there's no shame. Oh, it sounds dreadful.

It's Yeah, it's almost empowering. I think for them to be naked. They'll be like if you go to regular Swedish beats, there'll be women who are topless, just sunbathing. And it's kind of normal. Nobody really cares. I remember as a kid, actually, when it was such a big thing, we were walking in town, and it was a really hot summer. And then all of a sudden, there were just two women who were walking down the street, topless. And like people reacted, of course, but then it was also like, this feels very Swedish. I don't know why they have such body confidence. Is it because they're all gorgeous? Is that the reason? Yes, yes, that could be actually. Yes, they are. They're pretty much Hitler's dream. Very pretty people. I looked up the story of the Nocken, Nicken, Nocken?

Nicken. Nicken. And I found a British version of him, which was written by Thrasyne Evans in 1865. He wrote a long poem about, he calls him Nickar, Nickar the Soulless. The Soulless? The Soulless. He makes a big deal about him not having a soul. Can I tell you the story of the Soulless Nickan? Yes, please.

Nickan. Well, he was playing his gittern, which is like a guitar, I think. Made out of an urn. It was actually made, this is horrible, it was made out of the urn it was actually made this is horrible it was made out of the breastbone of an emperor's daughter slain underwater by her sister is that important for the story no it's just a disgusting aside about how his guitar was made so he was strumming away and he saw a woman who does not have a name in the poem because it was written by a man in

1865 who was incredibly beautiful and she's referred to as Ornan's daughter so we know who her dad was she was beautiful like a swan and she gets naked uh which is half the poem he falls in love with her of course but he can't marry her because he is a monster a naked beautiful man then a mysterious wanderer in a grey cowl appears yeah James you were giving me quite a look well this sounds like some late 19th century smut dressed up as poetry. It's not going in a smutty direction. You are giving me the evil eye now and this wanderer who is referred to in the poem

as the evil eye says, I tell you what, I can make her fall in love with you, but what will you give me in exchange? And he says, I'll give you this fantastic gittern. It's made of a breastbone of an empress. And he goes, first of all, I've never heard of a gittern. That's just a thing you've made up. That's not an instrument.

I'd much rather have your soul. And in the poem it says, Nikar the soulless one, Nikar the crafty, thrummed on his gittern strings inwardly, laughed he. And he agrees because he doesn't have a soul to give. The wanderer casts his spell, and Nikar marries Ornan's daughter, but because it's the, you know, 19th century,

she dies in childbirth, and she and her little son are buried, and the Nikar is very sad, and returns to his pond even more miserable than before, and drowns himself. But then the wanderer turns up hoping to grab a soul soul because he seems to be basically the devil um and realizes he's been tricked the the the guy never had a soul to give

so he's furious and a bit embarrassed about how the people upstairs sorry downstairs are gonna feel about this and he goes to saint patrick who's in charge of purgatory and tries to haggle tries to negotiate a soul on behalf of the guy who just died so that he can steal it. He's really quite good. He says, just a small soul, like just a mere idiot, say, or a baby's. Babies are pretty stupid. Yeah.

It's like, oh, what are you not using? Just an idiot, yeah. Just an idiot's soul. He should have gone to Gotham. And St. Peter pulls the soul out of his pocket with its little tag and date still attached to it. And that's in the poem. And I really like that. And he goes, no, I'm not going to give it to you.

But what I will do is I'm going to give it to the unbaptized child of Ornan's daughter who was buried with her so he can go to heaven with his mum. Because, as we all know, they have a very strict door policy. Yeah. go to heaven with his mum. Because, as we all know, they have a very strict door policy. So it's quite sad, but it kind of works out in the end, because the kid gets into heaven. Oh, and so it's a happy poem. Because the dead child isn't condemned for eternity! For no fault

of its own! This one got away with it. Yeah, this one got away. Got into heaven. And I was trying to date it, that poem and um one of the places where you can find on the internet is on an incel forum because because because this kind of like incel poetry the um the neck and is a little naked incel going strum strum strum and then when you finally have sex he loses everything yeah and their comment is high iq required due to old english

and three page length this is so funny so guys i don't know if you were quite high iq enough for that but i did condense it for you oh wow that's great another version of him that I remember is that he would stare into, he was so mesmerized by his own beauty, he would stare into the lake and then eventually he would try to kiss himself and then fall and drown. But is that another version? I think that's Narcissus. Yes. Well, we've all done it. Oh, man, so many naked men and lakes in folklore. And so little time. And so little time.

That's so funny. It's about like regarding souls, because there's another Swedish lore nymph that's like the female equivalent. It's a forest nymph. Can I ask what kind of clothes does she wear? Dress? Oh, she has some. Oh, does she wear clothes? Oh, I don't know.

Oh, right. Yeah, I think this one wears clothes, actually. Oh, really? She's a bit more proper because she's a woman. She needs to keep her modesty. But it's like a forest nymph. And her thing is that she seduces farmers and huntsmen uh because she wants their soul well the thing is she seduces you and uh you make love to her and then you get punished if you

ever stray from her oh if you ever sleep with another person she'll come back and take your soul or your it said that you will be cursed with unfortunate so you will be cursed with like accidents and and stuff until you die but if you're a huntsman i think it's by sleeping with her she'll reward you by giving you much luck in your hunting apparently if you look at her from the front she's a beautiful woman and then if you look at her from the front, she's a beautiful woman. And then if you see her from the back, it's like looking into an old tree that has a hole in it. I've seen a drawing of this, and she was naked in the drawing. Oh, she was? Yes.

She has a wooden hollow in her back and sometimes a tail. Yes, and sometimes a tail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could find two names for them, but I can only say one of them because the other one is too Swedish. Okay. And one of them is Huldra or say one of them because the other one is too Swedish. And one of them is Huldra or Hulda. But the other one was like Skogskra. Yeah, Skogsroa.

Skogsroa, I know. Can't say it. Skogsroa. Skogsroa. Which is like forest nymph, kind of. Translates to forest nymph. Do you remember the advert for, I think it was sure antiperspirant in the 80s, with the people in the forest and they're all sort of painted up like bark and then they lie on the tree and the wolves run past. Do you remember?

I do remember that. Oh, really? Is that what the back of her looks like? The drawings are quite creepy. Because from what I understand is she seems to be like a sort of land mermaid because the story seems to have cropped up around like loggers or charcoal makers. So the top half is woman and the bottom half is log.

That sounds dangerous if you're going to be having sex with her. They crop up in communities where there's mostly men and not many women. And they're sort of on their own out in the middle of the wild. And they start inventing stories of beautiful naked ladies who will lure you away so that's what i mean by land mermaid oh my god if i can bring you into etymology corner here yeah interesting etymology aside it's to do with the phrase skid row in english you've had the phrase skid row yeah it's that um the place in la worth all the drug use i know it from little shop of horrors yeah it's that place in LA with all the drug use. I know it from Little Shop of Horrors.

Yeah, it's any part of a town which is crummy, but it takes its name from Skid Road. A Skid Road is what, you know, you'll have seen it when you have all logs on their side so you can roll things. Oh, that's how they did Stonehenge. Yeah, it's how people used to move things into olden days. So Skid Road would be the area

for instance a small small logging town that had been had cropped up in the hills where people are you know shifting all the logs out towards wherever they need to go and it would be mostly burly men in czech shirts and maybe some sex workers and a drinking establishment and that's a that is a skid road and skid road becomesid row, which is the name for the street in a city which is a bit like that. But less trees. Oh, I see. And that was Etymology Corner. That was a good bit of Etymology Corner.

Thank you. Yeah, very good. I'm trying to make Etymology Corner rival James Shakespeare's Life Hacks. Whoa, whoa. It needs to get a lot more useful. Are we going to get a Life Hack later? Have you got a Life hack there, James? Yeah, if you want to clean your whisk,

just whisk the water. It's really difficult to clean a whisk. That's so smart. I always... Oh, come on. I did a whole etymology thing and absolutely zero. He whisks some water and you're amazed at evelyn come on because i always like a chump try to clean it with my sponge and go through each individual

strain so it was more useful people do not listen to folklore podcasts for life hacks that's all that's not why people listen but next time i watch little shop of horrors i will pause that dvd during the opening number oh you pause that DVD during the opening number. Oh, you couldn't pause during the opening number. You know who I absolutely love? I don't know if you know that song as well as I do. Yeah. But there's one guy in it who has half a line. Yeah. Which is, down on skid!

And it's the best bit in the song. Just go to YouTube now, watch Skid Row, and wait for the guy who just says, down on sk says, And it's so good. It's like that guy for president. I think that was me in our school's production. Hobo 2. The third sort of honourable mention, I think,

is that my town has a big statue of Poseidon, the god of water and the sea in my town. And that's because it was a gift from an artist, but also because we were such a big harbor town or sea town. We had a lot of sailors and stuff. So they wanted to honor that by having something that represented the ocean and represented sailing and working on the ocean. So they had a big Poseidon statue made. And Carl Mills was the artist. So he made one version of it. And it got so many complaints that it was ugly,

that he then offered to remake it. So the first version was that he was too short and also he was too because he's naked he's holding a fish like suggestively or just just holding it no just kind of cradling him like a child almost attentively like in a fatherly manner yeah exactly and uh then in his other hand he has like a bowl and he's naked. And so his penis is prominently displayed. And the other sort of complaint was from the women in the town that the penis was too graphic. It was too big. That's the thing with short guys, relatively speaking speaking is it's going to look bigger exactly

exactly i just as a podcast made by mainly quite tall men i just feel like we should mention that there is a relative i just want people to be aware of that okay your point is proving right here because when he remade him he made him taller and he also made his penis much smaller. So he has a very small penis. No, that's not what I was saying at all. She left it the same size, just increased. Yeah, it's a sort of perspective. Anyway, carry on. Fine.

Yeah. That was what you were saying, right? But then as a revenge, he put the bowl that Poseidon used to have in his hand. He made it much more phallic looking, but he placed it horizontally. So everybody calls it like Mills's revenge, as in he still got the penis in there. So instead, he's just holding his giant, massive penis. This guy clearly was an artist.

I don't know how you make a bowl phallic, but he did it. He did it. Fair play to Carl Mills. Yeah. Yeah. A gravy boat, I could see. A thermos, yes. I think it's time to move into the scoring section, James.

How do you feel about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you ready to pass judgment? I've got a lot of opinions. On Evelyn's culture and heritage? Oh, definitely. All right. So as is conventional, I think the first category is names.

Yeah. We've got a necker, nicker, knocker, necker. Necker. What's he call it? Butt-necker? Yeah, we've got a necker-necker. Necken. And what else?

Skogskrå. Skogsrå. Skogsrå. Kutabug. Huldra, which is the same thing, I think. Oh, Huldra. Huldra. Hmm. Huldra.

I got Jottenboja. Jottenboja. Goat Town. Full of idiots. Goat Town. Skid Row. I think the fact that we struggle to remember quite a lot of them. Timothy Chamolay.

Timothy Chamolay. Timothy Chamolet. Timothy Chamolet. Hard to remember, but excellent. That's their technique. That's Timothy Chamolet and his limitless chalet. I think the fact that we had struggled to remember, it's a three really, isn't it? Oh.

Brutal. That is offensive to, I'm a headfet on behalf of sweden i feel like if evelyn was from stockholm you wouldn't be playing around like this james yeah because you'd be afraid of my big town uh tone and attitude yeah yeah yeah maybe yeah my metropolitan uh attitude you think you can push her around? Yeah. Just because they ordered their town flatbacks? Yeah.

You can't push us around. Gothenburg is great. We had the East Indian Company here. We still have the boat. Still got a boat. That's like when your granddad keeps a gun from the war. We still got that boat from when we ruined several Asian countries. James has rendered his verdict, I'm afraid.

There's nothing we can do. Yeah, you can't talk me around on that one. But because naked, I mean, it means the streaker, you know? Yeah, I think you might have forgotten that, James, that it means he's naked. Yeah, no, that's nice. But that's one name. Okay. Okay, then. All right, three points it is. Sorry, Timothy Chamelet. He's crying now. Okay. Okay, then.

All right, three points it is. Sorry, Timothy Chamelet. He's crying now. Yeah, he's crying. He's having a little cry on his beautiful face, wet with tears. The next category is supernatural. Ooh. Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty spooky. Oh, yeah. You do creepy forest ladies with hollow backs. Yes. That want souls for dinner. Yeah. And then a naked man in a stream. Yeah.

Yeah, strumming on a... A guitar made out of a breastbone. What is a breastbone? Is that the bit down the middle of the ribcage? The sternum, I think, yeah. The bit that I am hitting to make me sound like this. Because I realised we were all pointing on an audio medium there, so I thought I would try and explain it in sound.

Okay. It's also, also the devil was in the story, and St Paul, and dead babies, and dead baby souls. Ghost babies, purgatory. And potentially Batman. Potentially Batman. Possibly Batman. Yeah. Poseidon's wang. poseidon's wang poseidon's

wang yeah um yeah i'll give it i'll give it a four yay because it's it's some real spooks but some of them could be human oddballs the guy in the stream did the statue also have oddballs is that people were complaining about were they fixed or made more odd in the second version? They chime on the hour. Yeah, he just made a really small penis, but giant, giant testicles. Like space hoppers. The next category, which I've sort of bulldozed in, these two men had nothing to do with it.

What is that category? Arianness. Arianness. Arians. Oh, Arians. Was that one of the problems with Poseidon's genitals, that they were so realistic that he'd made them Aryans. Hairy ones.

Oh, I see, I see. I really appreciate a pun that needs to be explained. Yeah. It is all a little bit Norse mythology, tall, blonde, muscular people striding about having adventures. It's all a bit da-da-da-da-da. Getting into nature and having sex with trees or something.

Yeah. I don't know. Well, I mean, they're all naked, which we assume is because they're proud of their bodies, and they're proud of their bodies because of their statuesque Aryanness. Yeah, yep. Yeah, it's high, definitely, for the Aryanness. Yeah, yep. Yeah, it's high, definitely, for the Aryanness. Just to be clear, you're not rating the Aryan race here, James.

You are just rating the stories. You're not having to finally decide once and for all which race is best. That's not for this podcast. Because we already know. I haven't been told that anyone's blonde, blue-eyed. Oh, that's true. I didn't specify. I haven't been told that anyone's blonde, blue-eyed.

Oh, that's true. On this. I didn't specify. As far as my limited understanding of the Aryan ideal, it involves blondness and blue-eyedness. So I'm only going to be able to give it a three. Okay. You've gone very Nazi in the last few seconds there. Well, not quite blonde enough, no.

No. No. Three. One for each Reich. Definitely not keeping that in. Final category, smut. Oh, yeah. Which I think sounds like, it definitely sounds like a Scandinavian word of some kind.

Smut. Schmut. Yeah, smut. Schmut. We also have fart. Really? Which means speed. What speed you're driving in

or something it's spelled f-a-r-t fart and then we have ut fart which means just an exit

ut fart when you're driving yeah and it's called out fart basically the best kind better ut than in

this is still getting this is sort of still smutty because it's all very nether region based. They're very naked. We've had a lot. We've had a lot of smut in this. We've had one and a half pages of smut that you need a high IQ to be able to read. Yeah. A man sat in a stream strumming away. All sorts. I think, yes, read. Yeah. A man sat in a stream strumming away. All sorts.

I think, yes, five. Yeah. Yay. What's Swedish for five? Femme. Femme. Does that give us a good score? That's a respectable score, yeah.

I think James was very cruel to us on names, because basically I think he's dissed the whole of the Swedish language there. I think so too. very prejudice very prejudice for a man who went on to rate aryans as the best race i think they are slightly above average time to go back and check what you actually said i think i'm annoyed about swedish names of things because of IKEA's naming policy. Are they joke names? Are they messing around with that? No, and it's very offensive that you ask that.

No, some of them look like they're doing silly jokes. Thank you very much for coming on our podcast, Evelyn. Oh, thanks for having me. Listeners might well already know you from your podcast with Nigel Ng. Yay! Thank you very much for coming on our podcast, Evelyn. Oh, thanks for having me. Listeners might well already know you from your podcast with Nigel Ng. Yay. Which is called Rice to Meet You. Yes. Which I feel very racist saying.

That's the point. Very hard to advertise that. It's about Asian culture, but it's a comedy podcast foremost. So, yeah, give it a listen. If you guys want to hear something funny and slightly Asian. Thanks for having me, guys. This was really fun. Thank you.

Thanks for joining us. You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. If you've enjoyed the podcast, you can like, subscribe, comment, leave a review or recommend it to a friend. Now you can log on to coffee.com and sling us the price of a cup of coffee. From when we were allowed to go and buy coffee. What have we got coming up next week, James?

I'm going to be telling you all about the vegetable lamb of Tartary. And also some hot Back to the Future 2 news. The entire car runs on vegetable lambs. What happens to us in the future, Doc? Do we become vegetable lambs?

So here's Evelyn Mock with an assortment of Swedish nymphs. It's like a ragtag grab bag. I thought we agreed no more hip hop on the podcast. I just need to practice my bars. Stop spitting bars at me for one minute. There's fire in the booth. I think that's a very good reference. Is it?

I think. To me, it sounds sort of Napoleonic. It sounds like something that would happen on a ship to a powder monkey. There's fire in the booth. Some are often blown to pieces. Or just the reason why the little chef shut down.