Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep25: Loremen S3 Ep25 - Rachel Fairburn - The Gump, Cornwall

Episode Date: June 18, 2020

Joined by Rachel Fairburn (off of the All Killa No Filla podcast), the Loremen return to the Wild West Country for a poke around a magical and mysterious area known as 'The Gump'. With hooting stones, partying pixies and wrestling demons, this tale has something for everyone. Giants? Yes, mate. Plu,s Alasdair remembers an encounter with the ghost of Yorkshire's Gary Coleman.  Wap us a few pennies here would you guv?? Ko-fi.com/Loremen @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @RachelFairburn

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I am Alastair Beckett-King. And we have some Cornish tales today. From the Wall of Corn, aka Cornwall. Yeah, we've got a veritable inside of a Cornish pasty of Cornish Tales. Ooh, sweet at one end, savoury at the other. Is that how it works?

Traditionally, yeah. It would be a full meal. What, you've got like a little prawn cocktail, and then all the way down, and then there's just a tiny little after-eight mint on the end? Yes. Am I right in thinking there's a guest in this one, James? There is a guest as well.

Rachel Fairburn. She's fantastic, isn't she? I can't wait to get to it. Probably should then. Yeah, do it. Let's listen to it. Let's listen to it. Alistair.

Yes, Jamathon. Jamathon? Jamathon. That's not a thing. Jimmy Shakes. Jimmy Shakeshaft, East End Gangster, Jamathon. Jamathon? Jamathon. That's not a thing. Jimmy Shakes. Jimmy Shakes shaft East End Gangster, the second. My father is the first. Actually, no, he's the second.

I'm the third. It doesn't matter. What were you saying, James? I've got a couple of things. I've got some amazing stories for you and a special guest law person. Oh, wow. Look at your Zoom screen now. Okay, I'll take the blindfold off.

It's Rachel Furburn. Hello. Hello. How are you? I'm very well. How are you? I'm all right, thank you. I can see you are sequestered in a garret in a Victorian attic. Yes, it's sort of an attic thing. And there's some sort of Christmas decoration still up for some reason because nobody really lives in this part of the house uh it's a haunted attic it's a ghost christmas ghost attic thank you for coming on the podcast christmas ghost rachel fairburn absolute pleasure it's nice to be out this time of year is it the ghost of christmas attic it looks a bit like an easter wreath this is very true i must say that that is a christmas wreath but it was done up for easter as well but now because because of lockdown everyone's lost

hope with everything it's just staying there i'm just like she's gonna keep it it's it's fine it's it's a memory of things we used to celebrate but you know times have changed by the time halloween comes around it will just have naturally got spider webs all over it perfect perfect and then light it on fire a week later so rachel you're you're from manchester right i am yes i'm from manchester we're not talking about manchester today no no no you've done a few manchester ones i've seen you did the manchester mummy did you know about the manchester mummy already i did yeah i did know about the it was called was I did, yeah. I did know about the... It was a woman called Hannah something. She was in the museum for ages, wasn't she?

And then they buried her in... I think it was Harpahay Cemetery, wasn't it? And I'm from Harpahay. And also where I'm from, I lived... The house I sort of grew up in backed onto the Boggart Hole Clough, which is a haunted park. So there's plenty of things we

could have spoken about for manchester but we're gonna go somewhere else yes is it as far away as you can get from manchester but still be on the british isles oh yeah it's miles away i mean i remember going where we're gonna talk about where we're gonna talk about i used to go every year i still go but at least twice a year uh used to go as a kid on holiday, and it'd be one of those holidays where it'd be like, you load up the car at midnight, and my dad's like, he's a taxi driver, he's a lorry driver, he's a coach driver now, so he drives for a living,

and he would be obsessed with like, he's Welsh as well, so he's like, right, we want to be on the road by midnight, and then you'd wake up at like five in the morning in Exeter, and then you'd have another like three and a half hours to go. It was like an eight hour drive to go there on holiday. But it was great. The way back was awful.

Arriving on holiday in time for the Little Chef breakfast. Absolutely. Nice. I had a very similar experience as a kid because my mum's from Northwest Scotland and we lived in the Northeast of England, which is not quite as far away, but it's a long drive. So you would just be woken up in the middle of the night, like the stars were about to burst through the door and we were

fleeing. And just be, just get in the car. Here's a puzzle book. Don't talk. If you pass any checkpoints, get under the blanket. This is what your childhood's like when you've had no real problems. Yeah. We're going to be having a story from Cornwall. Yes. The wild, wild west country, as I believe it's known. Absolutely. Yeah, my absolute favourite place in the world, I would say.

I bloody love the place. Yeah. I think, to be honest, I'm going to put it to bed now. They've got it right on the scones front. Oh, yeah. What is it there? Is it jam is it cream

jam first as much cream as possible on top well the argument I think the argument for the other way is presumably the cream is a substitute for butter right yeah yeah I prefer it that way I think it makes more sense I don't know

but if you do it the other way, you can just keep going with the cream to enormous proportions. I really want one now. Cream tea, that'd be lovely, wouldn't it? As a vegan, I've got very little skin in this game. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, sorry.

The milk and tea thing, also meaningless to me. Oh, yes. Is Die Hard a Christmas film, or is it an Easter film? I don't know. So this place that you go, Rachel, is it, am I right, is it St Just? Yeah. So I go, there's two places that, St Just,

we used to go and stay in like a holiday, various holiday homes there from when I was being a very small child. And it's like a, it's a small village. There's a couple of pubs there's a really old church there's um a butcher shop from which i had one of the worst scotch eggs i've ever had in my life but that's a different story uh and there's a beach it's sort of a cove sort of what's it called a cape that's the word uh down further down from the village called cape cornwall and it's it's very beautiful oh very lovely place quite eerie as well but really good

i love it is it sort of like the mist rolls in of a night time and and one or two kids go missing yeah it could have that kind of vibe it's just really sort of quiet and just i don't know it's like a little antique shop as well that's been there for years and years and i don't know there's just something about it that's just it's one of those places that you think this exists when i'm not here does that make sense you know you go somewhere so strange and quaint that you're like oh when i'm you know out gigging this place is here it's a strange place but quite charming at the same time have you ever been caught in in sea fog of the coast has that ever happened to you no as a student i was making a film on the beach in hastings and it was a blazingly sunny day and i'm ginger so i was

just doling out the factor 50 which i had brought and nobody else had so i was like a god i was like a drug dealer everyone was like god you gotta hook me up and i was like okay but you owe me um and so just completely blue sky and then and it's weird because it's like a doctor who scene then you sort of go oh look it's quite a lot of fog on the sea there isn't there that wasn't there a minute ago and then it's just all around you and you can't see the person next to you for about five minutes and then it just clears completely gone but a hundred years had passed that bit that's been true but right up until that point that is very eerie experience and you no longer had a sound man he'd just been taken up somewhere so this this area suggests it is pretty spooky from what i've been doing a little bit of reading around the area there's there's an area called the gump

or wound gumpus common which i guess is in the local dialect and that's a plane around there there's lots of standing stones and barrows i think the standing stones are called like the dancing stones or something like that so they're probably one of those myths of people dancing on a sunday and so yeah the merry maidens that kind of thing there's lots of those i think yeah yeah i think i think it is Merry Maidens that's around there. Because it's weird as well, because obviously my dad's Welsh. He's got a Wales every summer as well. And there's a load of lots of stone circles and things like that there.

And obviously Wales has got loads of myths and legends as well. But yeah, I think the Merry Maidens, I'm sure they're in Cornwall. And I think it was they had a dance on a Sunday and the devil was like, oh, we're not having this. No. But although we don't know why the devil would like, oh, we're not having this. No. But although we don't know why the devil would be like that, you'd think he'd be quite happy about it. He'd be organising the knees up.

Yeah, he'd be like, oh, come and have a dance, you know. Surely it would be God going, oh, turn to stone. But I don't know. Who am I to question people's mythology? Or question God's. But certainly, if you had to say which one of them probably had the best moves, I think you'd go with the devil.

First of all, his knees bend in like every different direction. So he's got an advantage in terms of limberness. God moves in mysterious ways, but are they rhythmic? No, but they might be like moonwalking and stuff. Whereas the devil, he's just going to be like boggling a bit much. It's going to be very sleazy. It's going to be sleazy. It's going to be too near to you as well

for you to really appreciate the moves. When you think of God, you think of dancing like Michael Jackson. That just came naturally. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, the guy that Michael Jackson nicked the moonwalk off, that's who I meant. All right.

As far as we know, he didn't do anything. He's clean as far as we know he didn't do anything he's clean as far as we know yeah so the gump it's not only has it got all the standing stones and whatnots it's thick with fairies down there oh can't move for him you can't you do you people won't walk across it at night because of the fairies or pixies or piskies piskiskies, yeah. As they're known in the local dialect. Like a drunk pixie. Yeah. Just a little sort of loutish, lad culture, 90s pixie. Yeah, he's got like a little tracksuit on, tracksuit top on and jeans,

Adidas Sambas and a can of Red Stripe. He's singing football's coming home. Yeah. And so, right, so back in 1861, Joseph Blight wrote about an old man who at that point 1861 was not long dead and this old man had been on the gump at twilight and had heard beautiful music and had followed it and found a fairy fair and there was all sorts of beautiful stalls with beautiful wares in it and little fairies with fancy clothes on. And he really wanted some of these goodies. So he took his hat and he threw it over a bit of the fair to capture that.

And he went over and he lifted the hat and there was nothing there but spider webs and snails. Disgusting. So it's a bit like your wreath. and snails. Disgusting. So it's a bit like your wreath. On this barren ground there were half-starved horses that were ridden by the arch-fiend, which is the devil,

and he'd hunt lost souls over the heath. Blimey. You're really taking a risk if you go for a stroll. It could be like the fairy version of the Metro Centre or it could be Satan on a horse trying to kill you. If you do go for a walk on it, it's not like you've not metro centre, or it could be Satan on a horse trying to kill you. If you do go for a walk on it, it's not like you've not been warned, is it?

I mean, there's nothing good that's happening on it. Maybe leave it. Like, even apparently there's an old style that, and this is a quote, bears an evil name. And that catches souls because they can't get over it. It's like some sort of, I don't know. Sounds a bit like a fence to me. Oh, there's a style you can't get over it it's like some sort of i don't know sounds a bit like a fence to me oh there's a style you can't get over that's a fence it's not a style i've rumbled it that's a broken style or fence oh there's also a ghost of a witch that haunts a well a little

story about her there were these two miners and they live with their sister in a little cottage near the gump probably because it was low property prices, I imagine. The sound of the fairy parties kicking off next door. And they always said to the sister, don't go to the well to get water after night time. We'll go, don't you go. And so one day she went to the well at night time and she saw a little old woman sitting in the gap of the hedge

with like a red cloak on and she like nodded the woman said nothing and she went to the well and she no matter how many times she put a bucket in when she brought it up it was empty and she could like literally see the water going into the bucket bring it up empty and she said to the old woman like what's going on here and the old woman nothing. And then she went back to her cottage and told her brothers and they were like, we told you not, that's the ghost of a witch. We'll go next time and that's the end of the story, really. Just a little warning, just look out for a little witch lady. I was really tense there.

It did peter out. That was like, if at the end of the ring they go up to the well and then they just go away and it's fine and nothing happened. A very lazy ghost. Yeah. I think it'd have a bit more, you know, you've got one job, which is to haunt and curse maybe.

Just sitting there. She's probably like got like sunglasses on and she's asleep behind them or something. What a lazy witch. So yeah, so there's miners in this area, the tin mines, and they've got all sorts of traditions, which are sort of borrowed from sailor-y ones, I guess because you were basically a sailor or a miner there,

so their sort of traditions kind of mix together, I guess. And really, miners are just the sailors of the earth, aren't they? Logically. Wow, never thought of it like that. Or the submariners of the earth. The tin is like getting the fish and you can suffocate. You can. Yes.

End of comparisons, I've proven my point. They're the same. Is there a sailing version of the canary? The parrot. Parrot. Yeah, the parrot. Yes, the parrot. I can't believe that I have won this one.

And like pit ponies are like um squids dolphins cabin boys manatees there you go it all checks out it just it just works so a lot of the miners had a lot of the the same sort of superstitions as sailors so there would be things like crows were a sign of bad luck and red-headedows were a sign of bad luck and red-headed women were a sign of bad luck a sign that someone was going to die that's a little offensive I know, I'm sorry

sorry to get a bit feminist on you there James but that's offensive to two quite oppressed groups but you're letting ravens just take the whole brunt of it yeah, sorry about that ravens sorry ravens there were these little creatures down the mines a bit like a blue cap like we talked about before called the knockers or knackers well it was dark and you probably as you were reaching out you can't always know what what

you're gonna get it's very hard to tell the difference. I was going to wait to see you with the first one to have a little giggle at that was. And I'm proud to say it wasn't me for once. Well done, me. It's dark down there. It's dark and lonely. You know, it's like when you're at sea, when you're in the mine, it's just different rules apply.

It's knockers or knackers. You've got to pass the time somehow. How that would work is when you were digging away in the mine, you would hear like a tapping up ahead, like a knocking, and you would know that that was a rich seam of tin because the little fairy things were digging away as well and you'd follow their sound and that would lead you to the good seams of tin.

You know, traditionally you'd them a bit of money, leave them a bit of food and stuff like that. Except Tommy Trevorrow. He believed in the knockers, or knackers, but he did not like them. He very much resented giving these gifts. He was down to minds, he was eating his lunch, and he heard something tap, tap, tapping away, and he got a handful of gravel and

hoid at it and that handful of gravel hoid back at him but he still ignored it finished off his dinner didn't leave those knockers or knackers a crumb not not a sausage big mistake not a pasty he ate all of it to the last crumb and then people heard angry voices saying to Tommy... I'm going to do the accent, actually. Oh, wow. All right, then. Tommy Trevorrow, Tommy Trevorrow, will send thee bad luck tomorrow. Thou old curmudgeon to eat all thy faggon, and leave not a didgin for Bucker.

Yeah. Wow. Bucker being some sort of demon. That was pretty good, that. Yeah. Strong stuff from the knackers there. That is quite good. And the very next day, he went down the mines

and there was a rock fall and it crushed all his tools. Wow. And his knackers? Did they escape? I believe they escaped unharmed. What about his wife's knockers? Were they all right? And he was considered bad luck down the mines

and no one would employ him. Oh. Yeah. Like Jonah is to ships, he was to mines. Yes. Mines and ships, they're basically the same. Wow. I once visited a mine in Cornwall

and I think it was about, probably about eight or nine maybe. And it was, I can't remember what it's called, but it's still, Giver Tin Mine, I think it was. And it only closed not long before that. And some of the men that used to work in it were now doing tours of the mine and teaching people about its heritage and stuff. And the guy that was taking us around, he was really nice.

I just remember this vaguely. But when I look back, it was clear that he was really pissed off about everything. Because at the end of the tour, he was just like, yep, these are these big ball bearings. These were used to do such and such thing. Just take one. Take them if you want them. Take them. And he was just like, yep, these are, these big ball bearings, these were used to do such and such thing, just take one, take them if you want them. And he was just like trying to give everything away that was in his mind.

And I just remember like me, my mum and my sister and my dad, we just left with like little bags of stuff from the mine. Like, why have we got these things? And we kept the big ball bearing things, but we just left the rest of it in the holiday cottage. And when I look back, I was like, that man was off, wasn't he? Like, take it, have it, take what you want.

Like, all right, okay. I'm not sure he really worked there. I think either he was a disgruntled employee or he'd been dead for 50 years after a cave-in. He definitely, he died in a mining accident a hundred years before before off the knockers our ball bearing killed him and he and he would have his revenge there'll be no more bearings in the mine i guess the yeah the way to tell was b when you turned up did he have like a pair of

bolt cutters and was kicking away a broken padlock or did he just sort of appear out of the mist when no one was looking all i remember is he was just covered in blood. That was the only enduring memory I have from that day. He just wouldn't stop crying. Covered in blood, wouldn't stop crying. Nice guy. Yeah. But apart from that, very good tour guide.

Have I told you about the time I met a 100-year-old Yorkshire boy? No. This sounds good. It was just a second student filming thing. I was in Yorkshire and we were filming something with a video camera and it was very odd.

So a boy, maybe 11 years old, with a sister about the same age and a woman, sort of appeared down the road and were watching us for ages and not saying anything. And the kid was dressed like a cartoon of a farmer. So he had like a flat clap

and I think he had braces. So it was like old-fashioned clothes. And then he is sort of the man of a farmer. So he had like a flat clap and I think he had braces. So it was like old-fashioned clothes. And then he is sort of the man of the family approached us and asked what we were doing in a quite deep Yorkshire accent for a 12-year-old boy. And we explained we're making a film, so we're just videoing something here. And this is like, this is the public road.

We're allowed to be here. And he went back to his mother and I heard him say, well, just take in the photograph. And then they went away. And it's like, I don't know if that sounds to me like someone who has not heard of a video, doesn't understand the idea of filming video, but thinks that we were just taking a single photo.

I just think I saw a Victorian ghost child. Is that what I'm saying? Wow. That's the story. That is weird. He interpreted it the way I think a Victorian child or an Edwardian kid would have. That is so weird.

They're just taking their photo. That, yeah. Because the old sort of cameras looked like that, didn't they? Those big... Yeah, exactly. It's on a tripod. It would look to a Victorian eyes. It would look like a large plate camera.

And your long hair might look like one of those because they used to have to put the cloth over their head. Yeah, it would look like a travelling mountebank or showman who might be putting together a show to tour around London and the provinces. That's nothing to do with Cornwall, but I thought I'd mention it. A very strange interaction. Do you think it was a kid or was it like Yorkshire Gary Coleman? First of all, I'm really upset that your TV pitch,

Yorkshire Gary Coleman, never got picked up by a network. I think that is a crime. What a solid pilot that was. But also, yeah, I just couldn't tell. I was very perplexed. Did you try and film him, but the tape's blank? Yeah, it didn't come out on film. Just a weird blurring.

It was just orbs. Only thing that came out on film was his knackers. Anyway, we'll cut that out. Did you take his ball bearings? He was giving them away. You can grab them if you want. You couldn't shift them fast enough. Go on.

Have them. Go on. I'm sorry I took us away from Cornwall for a second there to Ghostly Field in Yorkshire. It was a lovely detour. I enjoyed it. Very, yeah. But not practical.

Not one your dad would have made during the drive because that's not going to work. I did want to say, Rachel, you said your dad was a taxi driver, coach driver, truck driver. Yes. Is that all at the same time? Because that's human trafficking for a start. I should have just said, my dad's, as he puts it,

a professional driver. But he is, throughout my life, he's a coach driver now. Long distance coach driver. He goes all over Europe as well. Not at the minute. He doesn't go anywhere at the moment. No. But that's what he does.

He drives all over the place. I think as somebody who does stand-up but can't drive, I get a lot of coaches. And I think coach drivers have a lot in common with stand-up comedians because you rarely meet such a range of born entertainers and misanthropic villains as you do. Comedians and coach drivers really have that in common. Some of them are just a delight to be around and some of them will be gladly driving you to your death.

They just hate humanity. 100% my dad is in the second half of those he's the most he's got no interpersonal skills he's not a a pleasant like is it obviously my dad and i love him he's a nice man but he's just not friendly at all he's got he doesn't care he just wants to drive to the destination and have nobody speak to him and i think that's absolutely fair but yeah he's got it has i mean he has been let go from one job for being rude to somebody but that's you know that's fine and when he's taking you on holiday you'd want a little bit of chat uh do you know what it was sometimes with with my dad like

it's good that my mum is there to provide a buffer sometimes like because it's like he's such a i mean for a man i've known all my life i don't really know much about him it's getting a bit deep this isn't it he doesn? He doesn't... For all I know, my dad could genuinely be a ghost. He doesn't talk about school, he doesn't talk about... He talks about his family occasionally, but he's just very much a man of the moment, and that is him. And he doesn't really engage with much.

He takes interest in things, but he's not really... What's the word? Enthusiastic. He's a classic dad from a bad sitcom, maybe. But he's a nice bloke. I think it's a real shame that your sitcom, Rachel's Ghost Dad, has also not been picked up yet, because that is also an outrage. What was that one where it was... So Haunt Me with Maureen Lipman.

Yes, So Haunt Me. I love So Haunt me with maureen lipman yes so haunt me loved so haunt me with maureen lipman and my mother the car which i think we've mentioned on the podcast before we have mentioned my mother the car he might be a ghost though it's from the sounds of things when you record your podcast does he refer to it as a telephone call he actually refers to the podcast as the double act so i think maybe he is a man from the past. Yeah, that's a very sort of musical 1910s terminology there. You're just sort of throwing hamsters through a hoop to bay in crowds. The double act.

I think it's a shame now that you don't both wear suits and bowler hats. I'd love that. Hey, there's still time. There is still time. We're going to run out of ideas eventually. Yeah, I think that is the one thing the publicity shots are missing, is that vibe, that vaudevillian sort of I say, I say, I say kind of. Can you play the banjo?

I can certainly learn. So speaking of hilarious double acts, this is a brilliant segue into the story Have you got a story? I've got a story for you So obviously in this area, St Just There's a lot of stories about miners And of course the knockers

And all that kind of stuff And there is a story that uh one evening there's several different versions of story as there always is with these things but the version i'm going to tell is this one there was two very poor young men who were miners and uh they obviously they're working down the mine it comes to friday night they're in saint justin like right i want to get hammered but unfortunately there wasn't very many pubs open because everyone was quite religious so they had to walk um further away to go uh and have a drink and as they go in one of the lads mum says to them oh you know what day it is don't you and they're like what uh she says it's Halloween so back be

back before midnight so they're like all right okay so they go off and they go over into the countryside and they find a pub and they get very drunk and they're chatting to everybody telling ghost stories and you know oh watch watch yourself when you go home and all that kind of stuff but they're having such a good time that they realize oh it's midnight now we'd. So they leave, and as they're walking home to the safety of their houses, a horse comes riding past them, and one of them says, oh, what do you think you're doing riding your horse like that at this hour? And as the rider turns around, he's got a big cloak on, and he takes his hood off, and he's got red eyes,

and he says to them, all right, lads, I'm going to go and watch the wrestling. Do you want to come with me? Now, they know at this point that it's the devil, but they love wrestling. So they're like, right, we're going to go with the devil because we cannot miss this wrestling match. I think a lot of people have thought, because like everybody knows Vince McMahon is bad,

but a lot of my friends who are fans of WWE have just decided, well, you've got to make a deal with the devil. If you want to watch it, you've got to watch it. So they go across the countryside, and eventually the devil stops, and they go into this, in fact, the area is called, I can't remember off the top of my head, but it's similar to where we were just talking about, near St Just. Cairn Knidjack.

That's the one. Is that right? That's the one, yeah. So they go into that area. There's all demons and ghosts and monsters gathered round for this wrestling match, and the devil takes his seat at the top so he can look down on it all.

And there's, like, three demons and a giant having a scrap in the middle. And it's not like any, it's not like normal wrestling they've seen before. This is like, this is something else. Yeah, there's like skin being ripped off and, you know, eyes being ripped out of people's heads and stuff like that. It's pretty violent. It's like UFC.

So they're watching the fight. And then I think one of the demons or a giant gets badly injured and one of the the miners is quite upset by this and he he goes over to uh see if he can help him in any way and uh he says oh i think he's dying we should say a prayer so he starts saying the lord's prayer and at this point the devil's like oh no no you don't not on my watch i'm not having this in here so he uh he sort of looks at the miner and the miner then realizes what he's done and they start to run and they're being chased and they think right well we need we know one thing we know we might not know that it's halloween but we do know that ghosts and demons

can't cross water oh classic so we'll run and run until we get to the river and then we'll be okay so they're running and running and uh you know it's it's taking a long time and uh there's a bit that i've missed out here that is essential to the last bit but we'll carry on and remember these boys are so poor that they don't have belts for their trousers this is how poor they are they have to string, which is something I should have mentioned earlier on. So you wouldn't think I was a stand-up comedian who tells stories, would you? So they're running, and one of the monsters, demons, catches them. And it catches them up in its jaws with its big horrible teeth and its smelly breath and everything.

Because the pants are held on just with string, they rip. And then the boys are free free and they've crossed the river and they run home trouserless and they bang on the door and the mother's like, where have you two been and why have you got no trousers on? And that's their excuse for getting...

and not being home on time. I mean, it's quite the story, isn't it? Wowzers. I really enjoyed you noticing that you hadn't done the setup for the callback. That is pro work there. You flagged it up, but you could have done that without flagging it up, and I would not have noticed.

That was real expertise. This is very true. I mean, I have to admit, there's nothing worse when you're on stage and you are sort of three quarters of the way into a story, and you just get into the bit and you go, I've forgotten the bit that makes this funny, and you're just standing there going, My favourite thing is, though,

actually watching that happen when it's not you. I quite enjoy that. It's now you're like, they've forgotten, haven't they? Let's watch them struggle. There's lots of giants and things in Cornwall as well. That's another big... Excuse the pun. That's another legend that they have. They've got St Michael's Mount, the giant there,

all that kind of stuff. There's giants, fairies. There's something for everybody, isn't there, really? I think got, St. Michael's Mount, the giant there, all that kind of stuff. There's giants fairies. There's something for everybody, isn't there, really? I think so, yeah. Well, a good slogan for Cornwall, something for everybody. Something for everybody. Giants, et cetera. That is a really terrific story.

Like, I wasn't expecting a wrestling match with giants and demons and stuff when it started, and it was just lads having a bit of a rough night. That was wonderful. It's a good one, isn't it? Would you have gone to the wrestling? Me? Yeah. Oh, it's not real, is it?

I think it's the conventions of television give away that it's not real. So the fight's going on, and then, oh, they're breaking out. One of them's running away. He's chasing him out of the studio, into the car park of the building. Yeah, but there's like a camera crew there ready to pick him up when he gets... Like the... It was...

They don't have a camera operator in the car park every day in case the fight breaks out into the car park. It's fake. I mean, I know this is a known thing, but it has always bothered me. I used to like it back in the heyday when it was WWF with Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior and stuff. Yes, they'll never let us down, that generation of wrestlers.

Well, when I was about nine, I went on holiday to Butlin's in Bognor Regis and they had wrestling on and we were like, oh, we're going to go see the wrestling. It was British wrestling and it was just a couple of big men in speedos, basically. And I could see them whispering to each other and I realised it was just a couple of big men in speedos basically and i could see them whispering to each other and i realized it was then they weren't it's not like they were slagging me off or

something they were like working out the moves and that was that was when the bubble was pricked for me and i was like oh and this stage is padded. No, thank you. I've never really watched it, but I mean, I don't know how to feel. If I was walking along a country lane in Cornwall and a bloke on a horse who I definitely knew was the devil asked me to come watch wrestling, I don't know if I'd say yes or no. Because on the one hand, it's like I feel like I'm going to miss out on something that I'm never, ever going to be able to see again.

But then on the other hand, it's like, feel like i'm gonna miss out on something that i'm never ever going to be able to see again yeah but then on the other hand it's like why is he asking me what could i possibly bring to this supernatural occasion yeah it's a bit of a weird one isn't it it's like if jesus turned up and said pop down the bowling alley you'd be like well i'm glad you've come jesus but it's such a specific suggestion my sitcom idea idea, which has not been picked up. Very upset about Bowling with Jesus not being commissioned. Come on, commissioners, use your imagination. Bowling with Jesus.

Okay, Alistair. Have you got your numbers one to five? You're only going to need the number five, to be honest, for this one. So just get four fives right ready for for us how do i know how many fives to get ready if i've forgotten the number four james think think about it you've confused me just get five fives and we'll deal with that when we come to it you'll

have a spare i've got them all ready all racked up on like a little scrabble rack oh that's nice a number scrabble is there a number scrabble no number scrabble. Is there a number scrabble? No. A number scrabble wouldn't work because all numbers are a number. Yes, they are. You just come in and put a zero on the end of any number. Still a number. Still a number. Okay. For once,

one of my million dollar ideas is not a million dollar idea. Oh, we're going to put a one on it and make it a ten million and one dollar idea is that correct don't know anyway the scores i think first we're just gonna go with naming naming yeah all right who've we got um trego mills the bounty hunter from he didn't turn up in this one trego mills sadly ah but he always deserves a shout out when we're talking about the southwest go to trego Mills. Witness the peacocks.

Zero points for Trago Mills. Thick with peacocks. Zero points. We've got plus 30 for peacocks. I got overexcited thinking about the peacocks there. No, we've got names that are actually in this story. The Gump, a.k.a. Woon Gumpus Common. Joseph Blight.

That's just quite a nice name. Totally normal name. Tommy Trevorrow. Yeah, Tommyight. That's just quite a nice name. Totally normal name. Tommy Trevorrow. Yeah, Tommy Trevorrow. Bit of a ridiculous name. And he was down Ballowall Mine. That main story, that took place by Khan Kenidjak, which is also known as the Hooting Khan.

Because when the wind blows through it at a certain angle, it goes... Or there's an owl that lives there. I don't know. Who else? We've got the devil, St Nick. Old Nick. Rather, not St Nick.

That's Father Christmas. Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Santa's an anagram of Satan. If he ever turns up and suggests you go down the ice rink or something, watch it. I wasn't really impressed by many of those names that you listed there, James. And I was contemplating a low score.

And then I remembered the Knackers on Knockers. Knackers Knockers. The Knackers Knockers. They called them Knackers and i thought this name is unintentionally humorous yeah we need to come up with a new name so all the jokes end and they went with knockers which is arguably funnier than knackers so it's a four and that is two for knockers and two for knackers and the rest can go whistle i'm fine with that four good category the second supernatural oh there's a oh i can't think of a story which is as supernatural as this it can go whistle. I'm fine with that four. Good. Category the second, supernatural.

Oh, I can't think of a story which is as supernatural as this. It doesn't get more supernatural than this, does it? It's got all of them in it. They're all there. Yeah. And it's not like the devil appeared for a minute in a window or a mirror.

They went to watch wrestling together. They had the whole journey. They queued. They had to go to an arena. Yeah. People being turned away because they're bringing in bottles of water that are obviously vodka. And even in your little storylets, James,

you've got a classic Shake Shaft move of a fairy fair, which on closer inspection turns out to just be cobwebs and things and just isn't there. Slugs. Yeah, slugs. Classic Shake Shaft turned out it was a slug. That famous M. Night Shyamalan narrative move to make it

a slug at the end. Which is why my Gary Coleman Young Yorkshireman never took off. It was a mystery series. Always turned out it was a slug. Yep. I think it's five. I think it's five for Supernatural. Yes. And I think I'd be committing a real crime if I said anything less. Yeah, by the way, that witch earlier on...

Oh, I forgot about the witch in a well. It wasn't just a witch. It was the ghost of a witch. Double. That's a twofer right there. We both said that's a twofer at the same time, James. We've been doing this podcast too long. Even with the sink issues.

Even with the sink issue, we said it at the same time. Wow. For the third category, it's Weirdland. Corn weird. Corn weird. Like Cornwall, but saying weird. It's Weirdland. It's a weird land.

I don't know if I've ever been to Cornwall. I think you'd really like Cornwall. I think you'd really suit it, to be honest. I can imagine you walking across a clifftop and the wind in your hair and just having a look out, that kind of thing. It'd suit you. Falmouth. Isn't that in Cornwall?

Or is that in Devon? It's Cornwall, Falmouth, I think. All right. I have been to Cornwall. I went to Falmouth. 140 quid return on the train because I forgot to buy it in advance because I didn't realise how far Cornwall was. Ooh.

Ooh. Did I make that while doing my solo show in an arts venue to 20 people? Did I make that money back? No, I didn't. I paid the town of form of 50 quid to hear my comic musings did you sort of look at the audience and it was meant to be a full house and then you went out and tried to sort of grasp them with your hat and they just turned out to be slugs slugs and cobwebs a lot that happens at most of my shows frankly

what else we've got the gump this whole bit of them. That happens at most of my shows, frankly. We've got The Gump. This whole bit of area called The Gump, full of standing stones, long barrows, pick skis. Is there a forest? No, it's quite barren. That's frustrating for humour purposes. I've got a very creepy feeling about the whole of this, and I like it. Good.

I think it's a five. I'd hate to be too... I think lockdown is making me too generous, but it might be the lack of human contact outside of podcasting. But I think it's a five. I'm going to be too... I think lockdown is making me too generous, but it might be the lack of human contact outside of podcasting. But I think it's a five. I'm going to press that into your hand like a grandparent on holiday saying, don't tell your mum. I'm going to look down and it's turned into a slug. And I was the ghost of a witch and not your gran.

Yeah. So what is the final category? The final category is, how drunk were you? Expand on that category a little, please. Well, the two lads who went to wrestling with the devil were absolutely leathered, weren't they? Yeah. They were late back home.

They'd been told to be back before midnight. And sans keks as well. Yeah, no trousers on. Yeah, they hadn't been told to come back in their trousers, but it was implied. Oh, we've seen all these demons. I mean, the devil's going to have a bit of booze with him as well, isn't he? He's not going to...

Oh, yeah. I mean, say what you want about him, but I imagine he's a good host. I think he'd have he'd have whiskey jack daniels i think or you know he'd definitely have some sort of spirits or something he'd probably bruise his own yeah cocktails i would imagine made in sort of like a school shaker yeah probably a few drinks with him again like we were talking about the dancing they'd all be like the cocktails with the horrible names that you don't want to ask for. Like, sex on the beach. Don't make me ask for that. I just like

Baileys and Kahlua. Oh, you want a weird sort of sex where everyone's looking at you. No, I just want to get drunk. Again, that's why my cocktail bar went under. Names just weren't snappy enough. Shake Shaft Sensible Cocktails.

Any drunk chaps in your little storylets, James? I think the old man that tried to catch fairies in his hat and it turned out it was some spiderwebs is drunk. The part of the story that is plausible is a drunk man threw his hat on the ground and he got spiderwebs on us. That is a believable story. There's no mystery there. Yeah.

I don't know if Tommy Trevorrow was drunk down the mines and that's why he wasn't hired again. And he just made up a story that he angered some knockers. I think some of the fairies at the fair are probably drunk. I'm still enjoying it. They're having a good old time, aren't they? They're out in their fancy clothes. They're definitely drunk.

Yeah. If you've ever been to a street fair, then most of the people are probably drunk. Yeah, I'd say so, yeah. I think if we remove booze from the equation, there's probably not a lot of story going on here. Just some noisy rocks. I think it's a four out of five. I'm sorry I can't go to five,

but I think I've been a little bit too generous, but the last one just sort of represents the hangover, that little bit of regret. So that's why it's not a full five out of five. Because it's five now, but tomorrow morning I'm taking away one. That's the way it works. And our trousers.

Yes, remove the string now. We all know that none of us are wearing trousers because we're on Zoom. I haven't worn trousers for 12 weeks. We've only been in lockdown for 11. And I go to the shops every other day. To be honest with you, I just want to go to the pub.

That is my main thing that I want to do. I just want to go to the pub. On your way home though, Rachel, if you do meet a strange rider, just watch it. I will do. Having said that though, we've been inside for that long

that I'd probably just be like, yeah, fine, I'll come with you. I would would welcome it i'll sit right next year i don't care yeah yeah i've been well up for it bit of entertainment bit of fresh air thank you very much thank you so much for for coming on the podcast rachel what can i say i didn't know this i didn't know this podcast existed before you invite me to go on it and now i'm like i can't believe that this podcast is there and I've not listened to it because this is like right up my street. So I've got now,

I've got this to listen to before lockdown ends. So I feel absolutely thrilled about it. Of course, you are an extremely successful podcaster and comedian in your own right. Is there anything you would like to plug? I was on tour, but that all got cancelled. But I do a podcast with Kiri Pritchard-McLean, Old Killer,

No Filler, and it's about serial killers and there's lots of episodes out there and we're going to be releasing more soon and then we're probably going to go on tour next year but who knows what's going to happen. So at the moment that's the only thing I've got for you. Well that sounds wonderful. A potential tour on the condition that reality returns to an approximation of normal. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Incredible scenes. Extraordinary tales.

Don't go to the gump after midnight. I wasn't going to go at all, but I definitely won't go after midnight. Not with these train prices. They only sell a single to the Gump. If you've enjoyed this episode, you could like, subscribe, recommend us on Twitter,

tell a friend about the show, or give us a little bit of your money on coffee.com. Yes, that would be very nice. And if you haven't enjoyed this episode, do you want to come see some wrestling? Yeah, why don't you go watch Wrestling with the Devil? We'll go and see some wrestling. Nice trousers.

Hope you don't lose them.