Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep30: Loremen S3 Ep30 - Ross Brierley - The Plague Village of Eyam

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

The award winning Ross Brierley (of The Not So Late Show) takes the Loremen on a (virtual) tour of the village of Eyam. Fans of nominative determinism will be both pleased and annoyed by this tale, like someone whose name was Jolly Upset. This Derbyshire tragedy features ghosts, noble sacrifices and 1 (one) magical pudding-boy. No explanation needed or given. (To the listeners writing in about our lax scoring: you win all right... or do you?) If you'd care to spare a sou or two...  ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alastair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. This is a lockdown-appropriate episode because we are talking about the plague village of Eam. Ooh, Eam. You almost travelled to Eam,ague Village of Eam. Ooh, Eam. You almost travelled to Eam, young one. Eam. It's really hard work to say dramatically.

I'm going to try again. The Plague Village of Eam. The Plague Village of Eam. With special guest Ross Briley. Ooh. I like it when we have a guest. Sometimes they bring gifts. Three, two, one.

That was nice. And you were perfectly in sync from my point of view, but probably not your own. I you were perfectly in sync from my point of view, but probably not your own. I was going to say, from my point of view, James was way out. But that's the magic of internet. What if one of us seemed to clap before you? You could easily do that

and really undermine my sense of reality. So, James. Hello, how are you? I'm all right, actually. Thanks very much. Are you having a nice time? Yeah, lovely time. I've been out into the wild recently.

Went to a park yesterday. Yeah, just doing a little bit of foraging for food? Just staking out your territory? Yeah, well... Urinating in a circle? That did happen. That was unrelated. But when you've got to go, you've got to go.

And there's no public toilets at the moment. Well, on the subject of public urination. Yes. We've got a guest on the show. That's a really unfair introduction. I have no basis for that. But I would like to introduce our deputy law person to you, James, who has, as far as I'm aware, no history of public urination. It's Ross Briley. Hello, Ross. Hello, Ross. Hello. Hello, hello um i'm really

sorry i introduced you like that that's absolutely fine i've definitely had worse when was the last time you urinated publicly the the funny thing about this was it was genuinely yesterday so as i uh i went for a walk um around uh the uh what is it called? Some sort of beacons in North Yorkshire and got caught short down a winding path, which is also the title of my folk album released next week. I really hope that you can somehow dig yourself out of this urine-stained hole that we've put you in.

For the last time, James, it's called Leeds. Just call it Leeds. It is. It is absolutely a urine-stained hole. But again, when you asked me to be on this podcast and said we prefer it if people talk about something from where they are from originally or where they grew up, and you said, I assume that is Leeds. I was deeply insulted.

Did I offend you? I'm so sorry. I threw my phone immediately into the puddle of urine that I just created. Marking the phone as yours, naturally. Yeah, absolutely, just in case any... To ward off thieves. Any passing dogs wish to check Twitter or order a Deliveroo to the Peak District. Listeners might know,

Ross is a powerhouse of alternative comedy in Yorkshire and putting out loads of lockdown content. Is that the word we use? Content? We're all content creators now, Alistair. We are. We're no longer human beings with real feelings. We are mere conks in a machine beings with real feelings. We are mere

conks in a machine. It's all about the content. But I was wrong in thinking that you were from Leeds. Where are you actually from? I tell people I'm from Sheffield because my entire family are from Sheffield. But to be fair, I did grow up in

Dromfield Woodhouse, which is a lovely little suburb Once the largest housing estate in Europe But no longer Was it made of wood? Did it get smaller or did another one get bigger? Or did a wolf come along and blow it down? That's it, yeah

It was briefly for six to seven hours, the largest housing estate in Europe. After the straw one got blown away. Absolutely. But we still cling on to that slight claim to fame. It's slap bang in between Sheffield and Chesterfield. So, as I explained to Alistair yesterday, when I was mortally offended by the Leeds comment,

if you don't claim Sheffield, then people will then assume that you are from the Chesterfield side, and no one wants that. My dad is a very, very tanned man. He spends all his time in the garden, and I've taken to referring to him as the human Chesterfield. He looks like he's made of leather. Yeah, to be fair, Chesterfield, the name chesterfield conjures up um both leather sofas and cigarettes which is quite the um quite the combination isn't it that that you've just described my dad are you saying he looks like a leather sofa smoking a cigarette yeah this is your dad jimmy shakeshaft east end gangster yes yeah jimmy shakeshaft senior yes are you jimmy shakes junior i think I'm actually Jimmy Shake's The Second

because my grandad was the original Jimmy Shake's. Wouldn't that make you Jimmy Shake's The Third? Junior. I mean, I'm not the king of counting, but wouldn't that make you The Third of the Jimmy Shakes?

I don't know. Can you adjudicate on this, Ross? Let's have a think. No, it does would make you because Queen Elizabeth II is The Second. But she's not Elizabeth Junior. That is true.

Yeah, that is, yeah, fair enough. I'm pretty certain that makes you JS3. Don't insult JS3. I think they're a K-pop band, and they have a very, very feverish fan base. So they will find this podcast, and they will take you down. Much like Jimmy Shake Shaft's The Top Dog. Jimmy Shake Shaft, Eastern Gangster and they will take you down. Much like Jimmy Shake Shaft's The Top Dog. Jimmy Shake Shaft, Eastern Gangster, he will take you down. When I was younger, it was Jimmy Shake Shaft was Grandad,

Jim Shake Shaft was Dad, and I was James, and the dog was Jamie, and then presumably... Now Grandad's gone, my dad became Jimmy, so I guess I'm technically Jim. Does that mean you've moved up to the dog's position? I think I'm past the dog. I'm past the dog. Was there a ceremony where you rose in the ranks

and your dad took on the mantle of Jimmy Shake Shaft Senior? They called it the Jimining. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. What I like about this is, and I hope you don't take this as a criticism of your name, James, because I know people in stupid name glass houses shouldn't throw stones. But I like the way, having hit upon the name Jimmy Shake Shaft, your family went, right.

We'll stick with that. We'll stick with that. It's not going to get any better. It's not going to get any better. You can't improve upon perfection, can you? We'll stick with that name. Also, it implies that if your father's full name or your grandfather's full name was Jimmy Shake Shaft,

East End Gangster, it implies that Alistair Beckett, King. It's also your role in life. So I like it. I like it. Ross, I asked you about mysteries, folklore, strange things that relate to places where you grew up. You did suggest a story which seemed almost too timely

as we continue to record our podcast in lockdown because of, is it the zombie apocalypse? I've forgotten which one it is. I think it's the reign of Jimmy Shake Shaft. It's just all Shake Shafts out there. Everyone's a James Shake Shaft. Yeah, well, we've experienced the Jimining and the true believers.

And now dogs called jim and men called jim walk side by side in a grotesque parody of god's plan yeah the rap jim stop bringing up hip-hop on the podcast james i know i don't understand it it's confusing you began to tell me the story of a of a village but i don't know if i'm going to pronounce the name of it correctly. Can I throw that to you, Ross, to make sure that it's correct? I would like to throw it back and see what your interpretation is. Actually, I'm intrigued. Well, it's spelt E-Y-A-M. Is that correct?

Correct. And so I naturally pronounced that as any good-hearted person would. I am. Is that correct? I mean, you are, but it's not. I am. I am. It's very difficult not to argue in this situation is it pronounced i am am i correct no i am i am so so how is i am pronounced uh quote unquote correctly by the people in the derbyshire village. It is, of course, the Plague Village of Eame. The Plague Village of Eame?

Oh. That's a good name. It is. I mean, it's nominative determinism right there, isn't it? You should have said the Nice Village of Eame. I know of Eame. You've heard of Eame? My school, Chipping Norton School, did a production of the Play Roses of Eame,

and all these country boys did northern accents. Wow. It was something else. Can you give us a proper dab, or could you give us a couple of lines from the play? Something about, oh, I'm a vicar and I'm upset. What happens in, I've never heard of the play Roses of Eam. Oh, everyone

dies. Spoilers. Everyone dies. I think that's also probably a spoiler for this podcast. I mean, it is called The Plague Village. Yes, it is actually. Most of us, no, it was just one of us actually. It was Graham at number three, he got the plague and then we burned him. You very rarely have a solo

plague, do you? No. it's very much a sort of group activity how many people does it have to be before it's a plague oh that is a very good question what are the levels it's sort of like tragedy inconvenience plague straight after inconvenience a couple of us in the house have got a slight chesty cough the village is dead that's the but it is um is, as you said, very apt at the moment And it's almost quite quaint in a way Because the plague village of Eam was a village in Derbyshire Eam, as we call it

Of our way And I first knew of it at school Because we had houses I don't know if you had them where you grew up. Yes, people in County Durham live in houses. Of course we do. Come on. I'm sick of this prejudice. More huts, really, or a cave if you're lucky.

It's a circular hollow dug into the ground and I'm proud of it. I assume that you grew up in a circle of twigs and the Shake Shats in a disused nightclub or something like that. Full of what you think is leather furniture. It's just a family gathering.

DFS is a front for the Shake Shats. Don't sit on Grandad. They were sitting in the window, officer. I didn't realise until it was too late. So we had, at school, we were separated into houses, much like Hogwarts. It's very... You know when you start to talk about your own childhood, you start to realise the weirdness of some of it.

And each house obviously had a colour, and we were also assigned a local... Tragedy. A nearby massacre. Or murder-suicide. Well, that's the thing when you think about it, because there was four of them and the other three

were Chatsworth, home of a lovely, delightful house full of art and wonderment. Bakewell, which is fantastic for feeding ducks. Buxton, famous of course for the water. And Eam, famous for the plague.

Yeah, Buxton really came out of that well I was in I was actually in Chatsworth which I have very good memories of they have an I mean if you're ever a child and I have been thinking about it spend a weekend as a child go to Chatsworth go on the adventure playground

at Chatsworth house I mean with adventure playground at Chatsworth House. I mean, with my last dying breath, I'll be like, I will remember that giant zipline rope swing thing. So I'm loyal to Chatsworth. However, I have vague memories of us, once we learned the true history of Eam, using it obviously as a stick to beat the people who were in the Eam House with. Little plague boys and girls, that kind of thing.

So what happened? How long ago are we talking? We're talking all the way back 1665, which five past five, as we know it now, when a piece of wet cloth was brought back from London. So many great stories begin with a piece of wet cloth. Absolutely. London wet cloth, though. Oh, but it was expensive. Where's it from?

London. How wet is it? It's really wet. We look like proper London water in that. Yeah, yeah. Has it got fleas in it? It's full of them. So, yeah, so a tailor ordered the wet cloth from London

and George Vickers, not nominative determinism, he was the tailor's assistant in EAM, he hung up the wet cloth to dry. Why'd they order wet cloth if they're just going to dry it? Some people don't appreciate a proper London delicacy. Yeah. He's dried his London wet cloth. We've paid a premium for that.

Are you drying that cloth? I am. That was his catchphrase. I am. Whatever he was doing. Whatever very unwise thing he was doing. I was going to clap that, but it would really ruin the syncing of this audio. Yeah, so yeah, they hung out the wet cloth. It dried and the fleas ridden I was going to clap that, but it would really ruin the syncing of this audio. Yeah, so yeah, they hung out the wet cloth. It dried and the fleas ridden with the plague from London escaped into Eam

and spread merry hell around this tiny village, which is, if you go to Eam, you kind of, I assume that back in the day there wasn't a small dual carriage way that you have to take a quite sharp right turn off. But you're kind of driving down a fairly normal road and exactly as you would expect from a quarantined plague village, there is a strange turning that you can barely see and you go weaving up a road and into the hills of the Peak District and there you stumble of the Peak District,

and there you stumble upon the village. So it is very much as you would imagine it. And as the plague began to spread, havoc was unleashed on the village, and they took it upon themselves rather nobly to use hand sanitiser and wear masks when going to the supermarket. Heroes. Heroes, absolute heroes. I mean, it sounds like the beginning of The Thing, but with a wet cloth instead of a dog.

But it seems quite quaint, because when you actually read about it now, George Vickers, the tailor's assistant, much like James Shakespeare, East End gangster, he was the first one to die in the village, and the total number of deaths was 260, which, again, obviously is... It is horrific, but given our current...

I feel that also makes me feel how incredibly desensitised I've become to the current situation we live in now, where I'm like, 260? Oh, that was yesterday. Yeah. But these things happen. But anyway, we're taking this live in now, where I'm like, 260. Oh, that was yesterday. Yeah. But these things happen. But anyway, we're taking this into reality now, and I realise that this is... I'm changing the tone of the podcast, so I apologise.

That's the first time reality has come up on the podcast, and I didn't enjoy it at all, actually, remembering reality. The reason why EME is encased in history in particular is because they did take an incredibly noble decision to essentially quarantine the entire village. They set out boundary stones of the... The boundary of the village is where other villages around Eam would bring them supplies and food and things

to keep them going in the village. And in payment, they would drop coins in tubs of vinegar because the vinegar sanitised the payment methods, so therefore they could have those transactions. The 17th century contactless payment, isn't it? Absolutely, it is, yeah. Just putting your hand into a pool of vinegar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which I've tried a little, but they said, you haven't actually paid for that vinegar yet, so it's very confusing. Let me try it again. Splosh. Do you have anything to dry my hands? I've got some wet cloth. That's incredibly brave of the people of Eam. Absolutely. And quite rightly, they have been enshrined in history as noble people who took it upon themselves to not spread the plague into the surrounding villages.

Yeah, Chippy School did that play one time. So their fame has spread as far as Chipping Norton. Yeah. The guy who was the real hero of Eamon was the, I think he was the vicar of the local Paris church, confusingly not George Vickers, who was the... He'd be called George Taylor, I assume. George Taylor's assistant, to hyphenate.

They were on a job swap for the week. It was very confusing. It was the worst time it could have happened. I smell a sitcom. The rector, it was Rev. William Mompison, which is, again, a very... a noble name. That is a name to conjure with. What was the Mompison, which is, again, a very noble name. That is a name to conjure with.

What was the Mompison called? Well, I'm quite intrigued, because obviously most names come from what our ancestors used to do, Mr. Shake Shaft. King. Exactly. Briarley. No idea. Bushes. Summit with bushes. Geographic, I assume. Briar Lee. No idea. Bushes.

Summit with bushes. Geographic, I assume. Lee means field, and a briar is a briar. So that's what... Briar field. So it used to be sort of what... I just was outside in clearings. Yep.

If true, that was Etymology Corner. If not true, I'll let it out of the podcast. But yes, they introduced all those precautions and made the arrangements and and they were essentially you know the the the leadership that eam needed in their time of need and i what we would give for a william momperson so did no nowhere else around had the plague then no they they essentially yeah they essentially managed to quarantine it within the village so it did not spread to surrounding villages. And they essentially saved hundreds and hundreds of lives by sacrificing their own.

Because, of course, if you've just been told there's plague in the village, the house three doors down has plague, your immediate instinct would be to... Drive to Durham. To drive to Durham, perhaps. Absolutely. But luckily, the Reverend William Momberson was there to say, instinct would be to to to drive to durham to drive to durham perhaps absolutely but but luckily the um the the reverend william mompison was there to say no back to your houses they managed to save

a lot of the surrounding villages while sacrificing literally whole families and it's it's a strange it's a strange phenomenon when you actually go to him because the strange thing about this is that myself and um fellow uh northern alternative comedian as well sean morley took a visit to eam last year to have a wander around to in theory record a podcast but i don't know which one of you two does the editing for this but you're a better man than i put it that way and definitely um forgetting to clap at the start was a terrible terrible error on my part but we went to obviously for a wander around even to get the feel of it and start was a terrible, terrible error on my part. But we went, obviously, for a wander around, even, to get the feel of it. And it was a bizarre, incredibly misty day.

It was so perfect for the vibe. It's obviously quite strange now because people just live there normally. We had a jacket potato in a delightful cafe in the Plague Village. And in particular, the know, the original plague cottage where the cloth was hung up has got, you know, like a plaque outside and you can go and look at it and it's just a normal person's house.

It's just somebody living in there with their family with a plaque outside and obviously people will regularly come and stand outside and go, oh, that's where the plague started 400 years ago. Try and get them to sign their wet cloths. The souvenir shop was full of wet cloths the uh souvenir shop was oh full of wet cloth it really was but there's just signs it's very strange it's obviously you know

it's a perfectly normal peak district village apart from the fact that you go oh oh yeah oh oh miss um mr and mrs browning and their entire uh family of seven or eight children perished in this house. As an estate agent, it must be a nightmare. It's interesting that you mention the mist because it's not without its fair share of ghosts from what I hear which is hardly surprising considering the mass deaths that occurred there.

Presumably the graveyard is huge. It's very popular. The 1665 date was a very popular one for these gravestones. They must have run out of sixes. Absolutely. Wonder what happened. The author, Tom Cox, has a blog about going there to write.

So he took a cottage there to write. And it's interesting you mention it being foggy. He describes finding the fog in Eam extremely eerie. And he catalogues on his website the ghostly experiences, like the ghost of a cat he could hear in the walls, but he couldn't see. But that turned out to be a dog that was blind. Pictures fell off the walls.

Books fell off bookshelves and a salt shaker moved. And there's a very lovely quote you can find on his website where he just writes, where there is ghosts, says a note in my journal made on one blizzard night. And I think where there is ghosts, says a note in my journal made on one blizzard night. And I think where there is ghosts is a beautiful sentence. I'm sure he's better right

than that quote suggests. But there are lots of ghosts. There's a ghost of Sarah Mills, who was a servant girl who fell into a well and is known to wander around I Am. Sorry, Eam. Eam.

You are not a servant girl, Alistair. I am. Although you do have the delightful locks to pull it off It's true Was there also a girl called Sarah Wells who died at a mill? It really was, it was a freaky Friday, I tell you Yes, Sarah Mills, yeah Who's apparently, who've read on another blog who's uh soaking wet apparition has haunted the the hall ever since so again it's just wet things in eem apparently are

best avoided i think yeah my my wife's from hayfield which is near eem and i've been there quite a lot and i'm not surprised that the moisture and wetness is a feature of all of this. It's the rainiest place I've ever been. And Hayfield is home to mermaids. And what's wetter than a mermaid? Three mermaids. Yeah.

The only thing wetter than one mermaid, apart from two mermaids, is three mermaids. Ironically, we don't know, nature doesn't know why, but two mermaids are actually drier than three mermaids. No, one mermaid. So yeah, Sarah Mills haunts Eam Hall, which again, if you walk through Eam, this is the bizarre thing about Eam,

if you walk through, you're kind of down the high street, you're like, oh, that's a nice house. Oh, that's Eam Hall, you know, home of all the hauntings. It's just kind of, it looks like a posh hotel and you can just pop in and visit.

And it's also haunted. Eam Horne was also haunted by a man. The haunting is described as a man in an upstairs room where... A ghost, hopefully, this man. Well, I mean, maybe not at the time, because the description was that he brought such misery and despair that his room was permanently locked forever. I have had housemates like that.

It's possible that he was, yeah, just a bit of a nuisance and they thought, right, we're locking the door, he can't come out. But he must have eventually become a ghost, at least. You know, like some hotels kind of, or old pubs as well, put around ghost stories to try and drum up a little bit of custom. Do you think maybe that they were trying to create a ghost and he wasn't that bad? They just invited this bloke into their house and they're like, we'll lock the door and then he were trying to create a ghost and he wasn't that bad they just

invited this bloke into their house and they're like we'll lock the door and then he'll die become a ghost brilliant we've got a ghost we've got we've caught ourselves a ghost how do you catch a ghost kill a man i would have ordered one of those wet ghosts up from london they're the best just have it brought in absolutely i'd look at Westworld and Simpson's Lore of the Land To see if Eam had any entries Thinking I was going to find some plague ghosts Quite the opposite I found a little fairy child

From the village of Eam Wow Do you want to hear about the fairy child? Absolutely Yeah Well the folklorist S.O. Addy That's so Addy

In his 1895 book Household Tales Tells the story of a farmer's wife who was uh mixing up pudding and then the pudding started to jump around in the bowl and jump out of the spoon and eventually it jumped right out and onto the floor as if it were bewitched reading from so addy now as the pudding was rolling about on the floor a traveling tinker came to the door and the woman picked the pudding up and gave it to him so So the tinker put it into his budget, which I think means bag, not just, he didn't immediately open up XL, and slung it over his back.

As he trudged along the road, the pudding kept rolling about in the budget till at last it broke into pieces. When out came a little fairy child who cried, Take me to my Dathura, Dad. Take me to my Dathura, Dad. Now, Dathura is not a word and no one knows what it means. S.O. Addy thinks it might be related to, I think, an Icelandic word meaning weedle. But that's

a bit of a stretch, but it suggests the fairy father of the little pudding boy. The format of tale it belongs to is the runaway pancake. What? We all know and love the runaway pancake. That's a genre. Yeah, it's a genre. Yeah, thriller, western. The Pudding Chase movie.

Is it a sequel to Humpty Dumpty? The Gingerbread Man is the most famous example of that type of story that we know now, where the food comes to life. But in this case, it was a pudding. What year are we talking there? I think that was the olden days. Ah, ye olden days, yeah. That is a legend belonging to the village of eam but i don't think we know exactly when the pudding came alive and then said something to a tinker i'm afraid i don't have

that information i didn't notice uh the memorial plaque outside of the house noting the day the pudding came to life yeah as witnessed by this talking sandwich and an angry thermos. Yeah. I think the mushrooms you baked into the pudding, Mother, may have been a different kind to what we were expecting. So, yeah, so it's not just ghosts in Eam, then. It's got tragedy, it's got a fairy child, it's got ghosts. There are loads of other ghosts.

There's a ghost in the play cottage, apparently, where the new owners of the play cottage um heard some banging and shouting and clanging in the the fireplace uh so he lit a fire and and burned holly this was around christmas time to bad news for holly but fair enough yes but again it's that eve nominative determinism coming back to kicker in the backside. A bundle fell out of the chimney and he was so terrified by this happening he refused to open the bundle and merely burned it on the fire

and apparently after that the shrieking and the hollering and the clanging stopped. So, rumour has it it was merely an Amazon delivery driver trying to drop off a parcel. Apparently the stocks are haunted, unsurprisingly. I mean, they still have the stocks in the middle,

opposite Eam Hall in the middle of the High Street. And, I mean, if you're going to keep the stocks, you're going to get haunted, aren't you, basically? Yeah, keep stocks, get haunted. That's how it works. My favourite report was the man who ran the stables who said that he would regularly see shadows and hear bangs and footsteps. I mean, I've not worked in a stables,

but they add up to me. I mean, there's a lot of legs in the vicinity. There are, there are. And the Miner's Arms, the local pub in Eam as well, which is curiously the name of my local pub when I was a kid as well, which is even weirder. I don't think a child should have

a local pub, but carry on. But if a kid's going to go to a pub, it'll be the Miner's Arms. One of those little cup and ball games on the shingle. The spelling did confuse me as a child, but yeah, you're absolutely right. Peeking over the bar, the usual. It's that nominative determinism problem. It is.

It is. It was very confusing for all the gentlemen who came in covered in soot to be thrown out. This is not for you. But apparently the former landlord's wife of the miners' arms, who was brutally murdered there in the 17th century as well. It was a tough century, wasn't it? It really was.

And that was a swift transition there between whimsy and brutal murdering. It was. That's Eam. Oh, I don't think I was ready for that. That genuinely is Eam. Honestly, right next to the plague cottage in Eam, the garden of the woman who owns the cottage next door is so chock full of trinkets and gnomes and tiny little things from gift shops.

Oh, wow. Hundreds and hundreds of them. You've got that kind of view and then next door is the play cottage. So Eam very much is a swift transition between whimsy and death. But yes, apparently the old landlady of the miners' arms haunts the pub wearing a blue bonnet.

Wow. I assume, I don't know if she's naked from the neck down, apart from that, but I guess the bonnet's the first thing you see. I think it's time to do some scores for the village of Eam. What do you reckon? Yeah, I think so. Ross, do you have any categories there on your parchment?

I have got categories to die for category number one fine gentleman of law has to be names it's got to be names a classic category come on james you you can't move for names literally everybody in the village had a name they did definitely 200 of them every one of them and every one of their names was different to their job yeah and we've already been confused by the name of eam, I am, Eam. I am. I think that's how you sort of break it down Latin-wise. If you live outside the village, it's you are.

I am, Eam, we Eam. I mean, personally, I think it's got to score highly on this because, I mean, if it doesn't, that's 90% of the podcast that's ruined and a waste of time. Exactly. Come on, conjugate yourself, James. Yeah. It's got to be a good score for names.

I think I would say, I think it's a four. We've been getting some messages from the tweets who are suggesting that during lockdown we've become too generous with the scoring out of presumably sadness and the delight that comes from the human contact of the podcast yes because i i in my heart i believe this to be a five but i think you are pandering pandering to a vocal minority in the listenership who think we're getting lax with the scores and and i can tell that's why you've you've knocked one off this obvious five well the thing it's like in a in in the football game uh early on you know we're in the first five minutes and someone does quite a bad challenge but the crowd gets on at the ref he doesn't want to go in with a red he doesn't want to spoil the game so i'm gonna say it's a four

because it loses one point because of the aim i am i am that's the highlight that's the highlight i cannot believe that's that's I can't I can't believe that you've you've done this to William Mombasin of all people I can't believe you

tried to explain something to me using a football analogy I think I can this is my last shot to win that point back

here's a line from the EAM Wikipedia that the measures introduced by William Mombasin included the arrangement that families were to bury their own dead and the line from the EAM Wikipedia that the measures introduced by William Momperson included the arrangement that families were to bury their own dead and the relocation of church services and natural amphitheatre

of Cooklet Delph. Now that's a name. I want to... That is a wonderful name. Yeah. He sounds like a leading libertarian to me. Cooklet Delph. Cooklet Delph, James. Yeah, I think. Although you're describing a lazy yeah he sounds like a leading libertarian to me cooklet delf cooklet delf james yeah i think although you're describing a lazy vicar we've all used lockdown to get out of jobs we otherwise

didn't want to do um yeah okay okay you've worn me down you're like the the players coming up and hectoring the referee in the football game and he's turned he's reached into his pocket and he has brought out a red. It's five points. I got confused with it as well. I am the podcast equivalent of Roy Keane. No idea. Don't understand that, yeah. For the benefit of the listener,

my face just looks like a blank magnolia wall. It looks like the motionless painting of which I assume you emerged. What's the next category? The next category is, I mean, this was the most apt of them all. I mean, names was obviously the dominant theme here, but I do feel that there was a large supernatural bent to the whole proceeding. So, the supernatural.

Ooh, supernatural. You've got ghosts. Yes. You've got a little pudding doing a dance. If this was on Broadway, it would say, ghosts, ghosts, ghosts, and then featuring little pudding ghosts. Yes. You've got a little pudding doing a dance. If this was on Broadway, it would say, ghosts, ghosts, ghosts, and then featuring Little Pudding Boy underneath. Yes.

Starring George, Martha and Jenny Ghost. And like all 1950s films, Little Ghost Boy's voice would be dubbed over by an adult woman. And it was really weird that that was considered normal at the time. It was so he could get served in the miners' arms. Oh, I thought it wasn't like a Gerry Adams thing. He's also on Twitter

so you could tag him into the episode. Is he? Yeah, he posted a video of himself on Twitter on a trampoline. Times have changed. If you told my dad now that that had happened, you'd have a very angry sofa on your hands.

He'd be smoking from every angle. Just angrily sort of doing that retracting into a lazy boy thing towards you. He's gradually approaching. As if to go... So supernatural. It's pretty spooky. Weather is ghosts. Weather is ghosts.

Weather is ghosts. Weather is ghost. Weather is ghost. Weather is ghost. That's Tom Cox, the author of several published books, saying that. The fog has been witnessed by two witnesses. We've got three. We've got Tom Cox, the author. We've got Ross Briley. And we've got Sean Morley, the Northern Alternative comedian.

Yes. There's a fourth witness, as we did find one of those dog draft excluders that people have in the middle in the middle of the road in eam and he was very traumatized by the whole proceeding so ain't no drafts in the middle of the road pick a side pick a side is what i said to that draft excluder okay you've got um you've got a pudding child i really like the idea of a live pudding. I like puddings. And I really like the idea that there's a funny little child in there.

I'm not sure I do like that idea anymore. Now I've explored it. We've got a lot of potential for ghosts. That doesn't happen, though. Are you saying that 200 people have died and you want 200 ghosts? Do you want a one-to-one death-ghost ratio? Oh, at least 100 ghosts. Two to one.

Is that too much to ask? That would really ruin the tourism of Eme, I think, if everywhere was haunted. If the Jacket Potato Cafe was haunted, that might be a bit too much. The little garden with the gnomes, haunted. Nine ghosts, cheek by jowl in that garden That is definitely haunted anyway It's absolutely 100% haunted It's haunting

But is it haunted? Yeah that's true There was also a I forgot to mention this But there is a sheep roasting pit Which looked haunted as well So just to know that It's where all the locals gather round

To make really sarcastic jokes At the expense of shit absolutely and the best joke wins a wet cloth the gates of the school at eam have uh ringa ringa roses and the actual thing it's no children skipping so as you if you're a child in the school of eam you are constantly reminded about your ancestors horrific death so and presumably the echoing sound of nursery rhymes being sung by children who can't be seen that is very spooky you're not being reminded of your ancestors because they they famously the entire village died you're you're reminded of why your ancestors got such a good deal on that property. Fair. A spookily good bargain, James. That's our supernatural replacement.

It's why Ofsted always, they just, look, just give them a good report. I'm not going there. It's four. It is going to be four. I liked that they tried to engineer their own ghost. If it would have been the three, if they hadn't got that extra ghost in there. Yeah, exactly. Category number three, gentlemen,

is sharp right turns. Not politically, admittedly, but you have to take a rather severe sharp right turn into Eam. And I feel the swinging between whimsy and death is... It's disconcerting, to say the least. I found it startling. I genuinely felt my heart leap at one point. Yeah, from a dancing dessert to, yeah, plague-riddled families

burying their own dead. That literally is... It's gnomes, it's dancing puddings, it's, come on, darling, we need to bury our sixth born. It's grim. History is jarring, James. and i do know the sharp right turn that you mean to get to him it is i would have been had it not been for how poorly signposted uh yeah uh yes i heard i heard an f there i heard a labiodental fricative is that

the beginning of the word five or four free it. It's three. Damn the accent of James Shakespeare, East End Gangster. You're fooling me. Three. No, yeah, I think it can't be more than a three because there's only... There's one literal sharp right turn and then the figurative ones only add up to two. You drive a hard bargain.

I regret buying that sofa from you. Uncle Jim. I regret buying one of your relatives. Well, I will enter three into the ledger for the category of sharp right turns. Well, gentlemen, I have one more category for you. Let's hear it. This is what we're going to win. This is what's going to tip us over the edge.

It is, of course, three letters. Wet. Mic drop. Yeah. There's a lot's wet. Mic drop. Yeah. There's a lot of wet. A lot of wet in this story, James. A lot of wet. Eam is a damp and dank horse.

Yes. Can you imagine the texture of that draft excluder that was in the middle of a road? Yes. Of a Derbyshire village. Can you imagine the waterlogged draft excluder dog? Oh, yeah. My only son. It's very wet, James.

The whole thing is wet. The whole story. This story is dripping. Even the ghosts are dripping wet. And weather is ghosts and fog is literally moisture. That's all it is. It's just water

that has got tired of lying around and pouring and decided to float. Yes. A cloud is the ghost of water. Fog is the ghost of water. Weather is ghosts. I've proven it. QED.

Rain is the ghost of clouds. This has got very profound. And what did Sarah Mills fall down? Oh, well, yeah. Well done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're pretty moist. I bet that George Vickers, though.

Why, oh, why, oh, why did I order that wet London cotton? Hindsight is 20-20, James. It's easy for us to look back and think that ordering wet, flea-infested cloth from London during a plague was a bad idea. But at the time, it's imperfectly reasonable. I'm sure you've made purchases you've regretted. Oh, it's so wet, this story, though. And the area is so wet.

It is. It is very wet. It's sopping this story in school we would say satched because we didn't have time to say saturated so it would like oh it's satched oh god i got satched i i haven't heard someone use the word satched for about 20 years that was that really set off a brain firework that really did that was that was a memory i didn't know i still had yeah i think we've got a little bit off track. Wet.

Wet, wet, wet. Wet, James. It's wet. It's moist. It's damp. Ring it out. It's a five. Yes.

Oh, thank you for bringing such a moist and tender story to us. It really is my pleasure. It's a shame I couldn't bring you something horrific about Chatsworth as well. You never know, something might happen. Fingers crossed. Could happen in the next few weeks and we'll get you back on. Is there anything you would like to plug? Are you succeeding in doing anything during this nightmare we call existence?

I was, I was very much so for about eight to ten weeks. I was rattling out episodes of the Not So Late show with Ross Briley, which is an online chat show slash sketch show, which can be found at the NSL show on various social medias and on YouTube. There was supposed to be more, but I believe the term is burnout. It turns out that while trying to do 40 hours of creative work on your own in your dining room during a pandemic leads to somewhat of an energy drain. So please enjoy that back catalogue. Please check that out. You did say the handle there?

Yes, at the NSL Show. My personal handle is at it's ross briley if you want to follow me for uh the occasional joke and musings about horse racing which i don't know how much of a audience crossover you have with myths legends and law and equine sports but who knows we've had a few headless horses on this really oh yeah yeah the trouble is you tend to slip off the front with a headless horse. Yeah. It makes braking difficult. Is it called braking on a horse?

Yes, yeah, yeah. Horses nowadays, they've been bred to have ABS. If you ride through a puddle too fast on a horse, the hooves lock up. If you ride through a puddle too fast on a horse.

There we go, writing that down as well. This is my next album is writing itself. there we go writing that down as well this is this is my next album is right in itself you've been listening to lawmen with me alistair beckett king and me james shakeshaft oh fun fact me and ross have been kicked in the chest by the same person. The person who kicked you in the chest, as previously referenced in the podcast, has also kicked Ross Briarley in the chest. Yes, yes.

What a crossover. I know. If you like this podcast, even a tiny amount, you can give us a good review, you can like, subscribe, send us a tweet, send us an email, or you can give us a couple of quid on ko-fi.com forward slash lawmen. And thank you to everybody who's already done that.

Yes, it's incredibly amazing how kind everybody is. Thank you. Yeah, I'm rolling. Me too. Did you deliberately rolling there, James? Or was that just a... A little bit. Yeah, no, I did a little... liked it um pj and or duncan you know i don't think they get enough credit for inventing

hip-hop yeah they had so many lyrics they were actually frightened to use them i think they it was they had major anxiety troubles they were just there but That was them trying to tell us that this is a cry for help. He's saying that they were literally crazy cats in a mental health sense. Yes, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And they were really struggling at that time, but we were like, oh, they're fun-loving guys.

Like, no, this is, I'm really dampening the pain through alcohol and Saturday night takeaways. What wards do you see yourselves being on? Psych!