Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep34: Loremen S4 Ep34 - Three Ghouls of Rutland - LIVE!

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

The Loremen return to the Leicester Comedy Festival, and James has brought a triptych of spine-tingling tales from the neighbouring county of Rutland. (Do look for it, it is there.) James's tales boast a credulous chemist, a spectral mist and an old man who liked sitting TOO much. Many thanks to the Lorefolk who turned out and giggled appreciatively. The whole affair was (incompetently) livestreamed by the Lorebois themselves: the PJ and Duncan of folklore. So you can see Alasdair and almost none of James's face here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90Tql8ADsPw Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And we done alive again, didn't we, Alistair? We in fact did actually, James, yes. It was a right laugh. Also, last minute snuck it out on YouTube as well, so you can go and track that down.

Ooh, the high-tech webcam imagery we produced. Ooh, yeah. It was by no means two men hunkering in a poorly lit corner. No, it was mostly one man and two microphones skewing the face of another man. What's the story, James? Oh, it's a bunch of Leicestershire ghost stories to shiver your spines.

Spines? Spines. Spines. Yeah. Hello, law folk. That was really rude the way we went live on the internet and I just completely ignored everyone in the room and was like,

oh, one person watching us on YouTube is here. Yeah. Oh, I've got on the camera here, I've got so many mics, I look like an album cover where someone's like, he's being pressed for comment. I think you're like Robocop and you're like a podcaster who was beaten up and we repaired you. Like, we've got the technology, let's make RoboShake shit.

Yeah, I'm part man, part machine, all pod. Right, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I want, I'm going to chill you. Are you ready to be chilled, folks? James warned me on the train here that this is quite a spooky one. Ever so spooky. It's full of ghosts. It is thick with poltergeists. I've got a triptych of tales. I'm going to paint a picture with my words. Wow. I'm going to paint three pictures with my words. So

that's about 3,000 words worth of pictures. That's good value. That is great value. In today's economy, that's very reasonable. Yeah. Other podcasts are offering that. I'm going to get started with tale number one, a.k.a. picture number one, The Haunted Bookshop. That's the sort of noise you would hear in a haunted bookshop.

Very good. You might hear the... A book's being thrown. Oh, those are wet books. Yeah, that was a really good impression. You might have the... A book's being thrown. Oh, those are wet books. Yeah, that was a really good... No, it was... You know old bookshops and the moulds, you know. The downstairs of a bookshop is always like, oh, this is great, but it doesn't smell great.

Well, I'm going to take you to, via the medium of picture-painted word, we're in Uppingham, which is technically in Rutland. Ooh! As usual, the anti-Rutland brigade is out in force. Yeah, and they've brought their snakes. I took this from, in good faith,

from Leicestershire Ghosts and Legends by David Bell and this came out in 1992 and at that time Rutland did not exist I don't know if it was like

that isle off the silly isles that only exists at some times or that town in Scotland but for a period of time

Rutland was not there it was part of Leicester and then it came back again had a massive comeback tour dressed in black leather,

had Rutland. I think it was there. I don't think it's accurate to say that for 20 years it wasn't there. Well, there was no Rutland. You didn't just zip to the other side of Rutland when you were driving in. Yeah, you skipped it. It was like a bug in a video game. And they patched it around 2007.

It's like when you get to the edge of Skyrim and it just says, there's nothing there. This is the rim. Turn your horse around. You reach the rim of the sky. Yeah, that was the original slogan for Skyrim. And then people went, no, we don't like it for some reason. Yeah.

So, yeah, we don't like it for some reason. So, yeah, we're in the 1960s. We're on Uppingham High Street East. You can see Hawthorne's Bookshop. It's next to the Ironmongers. Don't look for it. It's not there anymore. It's not a catchphrase. Don't clap it

as if it's a catchphrase. And in the flat above that bookshop. It's too long to be practical. If you at least make it a call and response. Don't look for it. Thank you. Thank you to those of you who shouted some fish that's the other that's a catchphrase

so alan morrison and his wife who is unnamed in this text but probably had a name in real life and their young son three-year-old son peter they're moving out There's a removals van there, also in the picture. They're handing their keys to a Mr Fuller, and he looks a bit apologetic. And giving them a lift in his car is their good friend, Pete Brown. He's an analytical chemist. And he's looking up at the flat with an expression that sort of says, good riddance.

They've been haunted out of the flat. Yeah. Morrison, the Morrisons, not the supermarket chain. The small family Morrisons had had a series of spooky instances in that flat. One time, Alan was alone.

His wife was at the Women's Institute. He was reading in bed, recovering from a nasty bout of flu. His cat was next to him. The cat was also unnamed. Probably. Cat reaching wife levels of detail there. And then all of a sudden,

the cat stands up and stares at the corner of the room. That's something a cat would never do. Normally, that's very suspicious behaviour. And Alan notices the room has become ice cold. The cat arches the back, tail goes, thump, thump. Yeah, as in all the hairs stick out, it didn't explode.

Tail shoots right off, sticks into the ceiling. A ghost? No, it just puffed up like a cat's tail does when it's scared of something. When ghosts are present. Yes. And Al realises the room's gone really, really quiet. It's only nine o'clock at night. He's on High Street East of Uppinger.

Can't even hear the ironmongers. No. Normally there'd be clangs and bangs. They'd be doing the night iron munging. There's a pub right there. You can't hear that noise. It's strangely silent. And this lasted for about five minutes.

Then everything returned to normal. That happened to me once. Everything returned to normal? No, everything went quiet. I was on the street once. Have I not mentioned it on the podcast before? No. Is that the mist incident? No, it was not when I got lost the street once. Have I not mentioned it on the podcast before? No. Is that the mist incident?

No, it was not when I got lost in the mist and frightened a postman. It was... We don't need to go into that again. For legal reasons. I loomed at him. No, I was walking to a gig in North London and I realised I could hear a man right down the street talking on his mobile phone

because it was the only sound. Like, you know, which in a city there's no traffic, no wind, no birds, nothing.

It was completely silent. And when he stopped talking, it completely sounded like it lasted about 10 minutes. It must have just been the lack of wind.

I don't know. It was really sinister. Just sometimes things get quiet, I guess. Yeah. I used to find that when I did stand-up comedy. Everything returned to normal.

And his wife came back from a WI... Incident. That's not the right word. A wincident. The wife came back from the WI and, as it says in the book, she did not like the story and asked him to not talk about it. Yeah, I don't know if that's spooky reasons. We've had some reviews like that for the podcast.

And then a few weeks later, Peter, Peter, the three-year-old child. Peter, Peter. Peter. I've got two Pete's in this story for a start. I didn't think it through. The three-year-old child. Peter, Peter. Peter. I've got two Pete's in this story for a start. I didn't think it through. The three-year-old Peter. Peter. Peter, Peter.

Peter. He was so Peter, they named him Peter. He was casually chatting with his mum. You're laughing now. You're going to be chilled in a second. For the benefit of the newcomers, usually we just say the word Peter for six or seven minutes mid-podcast. Yeah, and then it tends to Peter out.

He can just do it. It's not planned. It just comes out of him. I've just got the word Peter written for every page. It's like the shining, but for Peter. Yes, but with Peters. All Peter and no Peter makes Peter a Peter Peter. That's what it says there.

The three-year-old Peter, over breakfast, was casually chatting to his mum, and he mentioned that the lady had been to see him again. And apparently he used to regularly see a lady in old-fashioned clothes in his room after he'd gone to bed and shortly after that they decided to move out because that's a bit much yeah that is frankly too much they asked their friend the analytical chemist, Pete Brown, if he'd ever had any weird experiences at the flat.

And he was taken aback a bit. He was taken aback a bit. He was taken back. He was taken aback. A bit. That's actually what I've written. And I hadn't read it out loud, evidently. He was taken aback a bit.

He's a man of science. He's a man-o-science. That's got an exclamation mark in the notes. It says, he was dash, he was a man-o-science. I've written o. You've written it like a pirate. I'm a man-o-science. He be a man-o-science.

I'm a man of science. He be a man of science. But, yeah, he had felt a bit of a vibe around the flat when he'd been there alone, which, also, this isn't his house. Sure, he's an analytical chemist, but he's hanging around his mate's house when they're not in it. I would feel awkward, personally, if I'm ever left in a friend's house and they're not there.

And it says here that he kept himself to the kitchen. Quite right! When you're alone in your friend's house, you keep yourself to the kitchen. Maybe the lounge, if they've taught you how to use the remote. In a house party, I tend to stand in the kitchen. But not alone. Oh.

Sometimes. I think we may tend to stand in the kitchen. But not alone. Oh. Sometimes. I think we may have to stop the podcast here. I'm going to have a little cry. No, he always stayed in the kitchen, except obviously when he needed the loo. And he describes what he would do. Not like that. Come on.

No. Peter says, if I had need to visit the toilet... That is a man of science way of talking, isn't it? What decade was he writing in? This is the early 1960s. In the 1960s? If I had need to visit the toilet...

If I had need to visit the toilet... Why is he writing it like Winston Churchill would? I'm an analytical chemist. Yeah. I would perform a ritual. What? Who is this person? It's not that much of a ritual, as it turns out.

He's building his part up, old Pete Brown. He would open the passage door. Wait a minute. Respect the ritual. Like a penguin. Open the passage door. Slide along the landing. Dive through. Turn the passage door. Slide along the landing. Dive through.

Turn left. Sprint along to the far end. Dive inside the bathroom. Slam door. I repeated this in reverse on my return. That's the analysis there. Diving backwards. Like literally feet first as well.

Yeah. So he used to get freaked out by the flat and they asked their landlord mr fuller when they were when they were leaving they asked if anyone had heard anything about there being a sort of a spooky lady in the kids room and the landlord was not surprised that he'd had three tenants in two years who'd all moved out because of this grey lady i think you need first of all he needs to check for a gas leak and apparently the original family that lived there the hawthorns of the booksellers um don't look for it. If you're going to do it, do it all together. Respect the ritual. I appreciate a lot of you not doing it.

Deliberately sabotaging the attempted catchphrase. Thank you for your support. And their son would never go into the rooms on the first floor unless accompanied because he was so scared. I don't know if that will have come out in the recording. I sound like a trapdoor creak. A bit less like a lamb, a newborn lamb. We got some lambs. We sold some tickets to some lambs, I saw.

Thank you. After the Peter interlude, there's usually a short lamb interlude. We do animal noises. Yeah, we're big in the sheep communities. They tend to move as one. So, once you get

one, you get a lot of them. So so that's the first tale the haunted bookshop now we're coming to west humberstone in leicester this tale is called the man who didn't want to leave bearing in mind i'm going to be telling a ghost story that should have been more scary less laughable it makes the place sound nice though

that's the problem with it as a title oh I don't want to leave so allow me to paint another picture with my words I wonder if it's the man who wouldn't leave or is it like me in the kitchen of a party, not taking a hint? Yeah, maybe.

Is it that kind of spooky situation? No. It's March 1988. Prince Charles has just been nearly killed in an avalanche. That actually happened. That did, actually. I was looking at what happened in March 88, and apparently Prince Charles was nearly, now king,

was nearly killed in the Navalanche I don't remember either also well I don't need to tell you Alistair that macho man Randy Savage

won Wrestlemania 4 oh yeah and he's here tonight macho man Randy Savage Randy man macho savage

so in this picture we're looking at a red brick semi and Keith Macho man, Randy Savage. Randy man, Macho Savage. So in this picture, we're looking at a red brick semi. And Keith? A house. It's a type of house. It's not, you can't even really visualise what you were visualising, so stop. I can, now I can. Yeah, it does make sense actually, to be fair. To be fair.

Keith and Elsie Kimberley are moving in with Samantha, their spaniel. The spaniel's got more detail than the wife in the last story. So they're moving in and they're happy. And up in the sky, in a cloud,

there's a bungalow. What? It's not a very good picture. How can it... That I'm painting. I think Pixar's up. No, this is more like, you know those pictures of like a wolf howling at the moon

and then in the moon there's another wolf? Yeah. That's the sort of picture I'm painting here. So there's the red brick house, the people, Elsie and Keith moving in with the dog, Samantha, and up in the sky is a cloud. And in that cloud is a bungalow. And in that bungalow is a man.

That man is the previous owner. And he's referred to as Tom Martin. I don't think that's his real name. And he is looking out the window of his bungalow. And he does not look happy. Is it because he's in the clouds? It's because he's in a bungalow in Netherall. And he used to live in this red brick semi right i see okay okay but the is the bungalow on the ground james like a normal bungalow oh in real life is this for the purpose of the picture

that i'm painting right i'm just trying to give you it's like the jesus with the heart knocking on the door of the tree one it's not what actually happened didn't jesus didn't really knock on the door of the tree, one. It's not what actually happened. Jesus didn't really knock on the door of a tree. It's just an idea. Does anyone know what James is talking about? You know the picture of the Jesus with the heart and he's knocking on the door of the tree? Like Peter Pan's house. I think it was a crossover of Jesus.

The church that I went to, they made some of their own media and it was Jesus in Peter Pan land it's the parable of Jesus going into a tree that never happened it's the one where

he's got the heart and he's knocking on the door you know Jesus knocking on the door you're not seeing the picture of Jesus knocking on the door there's a famous one of like

oh but I did come to your house you know where Jesus pranks that guy Jesus rings the guy up and says I've come round your house you better lay on a good spread because I'm Jesus. And the guy goes, no problem.

And then the horrible, poor person knocks on the door and says, can I come in? And the man goes, no, I'm waiting for Jesus. Kicks him. And he scurries away. And that happens nine times or something. And then Jesus arrives and he's like, yeah, Jesus. And he was like, no, that was me in disguise, like Jeremy Beadle. Did he have a fake beard over his actual beard?

He had a fake beard over his beard. So it was like Jeremy Beadle, but instead of finding out your car wasn't crushed, you go to hell. Oh. That Jesus was such a prankster. There's that time when I was walking along the beach and there was just one set of footprints.

It's because Jesus was sneaking up behind me. He was going to do a trick. He's stepping in your footprints. Yeah, yeah. That's really good. He walked backwards like Danny at the end of The Shining. Jesus, I'm running around a maze. I'm trying to catch Jesus.

This is all spin-off. Right, but anyway, back to March 88. March to June, are later described as the only time that Keith and Elsie, presumably also Samantha, were happy in the house. In June, Tom Martin, the man who was figuratively in a bungalow in a cloud, but in real life in a bungalow on a street, became ill. He slipped into a coma and he actually died in july and it was in june when tom was in that coma that the hauntings began yes at first it was just sounds

starting in the front bedroom bangs on doors loud footsteps in the bedroom going up and down the stairs. Samantha, the dog, would growl and cry like a door and paw at the ground while staring at a corner of the room. Doesn't come off as well on audio. Doesn't come off as well on audio, no. And the neighbour said that Tom used to love sitting in that chair in the corner of the bedroom, which sounds weird. Yeah, weird thing to say.

How much did he like sitting in a chair? In his own bedroom. It was notable. Yeah. I've got loads of chairs that I sit in regularly. I don't think anyone would say, oh, he liked sitting in that chair. his own bedroom notable yeah i've got loads of chairs that i sit in regularly i don't think anyone would say oh he liked sitting in that chair in your neighbor as well how does your neighbor know when you're sitting in a chair in your bedroom and whether you like it or not i don't sit in a chair in my bedroom anyway sit on the bed right yeah i don't

even have a chair in my bedroom i've seen pictures of this place on the internet it's either a very small bed or a very small chair what a weird guy he's got a bed there and he's just sitting on a tiny little child's stool in the corner of his bedroom he must like it he must really like it

I like it so much no wonder the dog's like what the heck is going on? And these noises got so bad that Keith and Elsie had to start sleeping downstairs. It was that bad. They moved out of their own front bedroom. And they liked sleeping in that bed. Yeah, they did. Every night they'd do it for upwards of six hours

one night they had a big crash as if the house had been hit by a lorry it had not been hit by a lorry they went into that front bedroom and a portable radio had been thrown four feet i suppose i could have just said radio because the nature of what happened to it illustrated the fact that it was portable thrown four feet. I suppose I could have just said radio. Because the nature of what happened to it illustrated the fact that it was portable. Yeah, it had been thrown four feet. Also, some empty tins had been thrown around. Sorry, also some portable empty

tins had been thrown about. One day, the cable of the electric fire began to slap against the skirting board. That's a good... That's, again, a very damp cable. That sounds dangerous. Just add some water, I'm afraid.

There's some residual tap water in my mouth. And several times, Elsie would phone Keith to ask him to come home from work because she was so nervous. And then, in April 91, three vicars got called in to try and fix this three separate vicars no right not as not as one not as one not this is a three vicar situation call three vicars it was a series of vicars and i think you'll find it is a series of diminishing vicar returns what they do right first vicar vicar number one felt a presence said a prayer

and thought that the spirit might move away though it seemed attached to the house and if it didn't want to move away it wouldn't and the eagle-eared of you will realize and the eagle minded, that was the best vicar response they had. Vicar two knew the Martin family and confirmed the disturbances could be connected with Tom Martin. Vicar three yeah, that was it. Rubbish.

Vicar three said they should hang up some crucifixes and bible verses and that. He's there to sell you crucifixes. Vicar's got a cut every time someone buys a crucifix. It's just basic business. Or that picture of Jesus knocking on the door. The famous one.

The famous one. If anyone wants to buy any pictures of Jesus knocking on a door... Of a tree. Of a tree. I think it was a tree. A tree. And he's, like like holding his thing in. He's got the Jesus heart.

Yeah, his heart's in loads of pictures. You can't keep drawing our attention to that. It's the door in a tree thing that we're not clicking with. I think, or maybe it was just a wooden door. Sometimes I get confused. All my door doors are made of wood. Especially in Jesus times, right? Yeah.

No, and one thing that they pointed out was that there are weeds on the door that shows that it's not been opened because they've not let anyone into their heart because i think the tree door thing is a heart of a human i think this is a fever dream that happened at bible camp anyway so that's all the third vicar the third vicar just suggests a redecoration. Opens his jacket with loads of crucifixes. Another one, just stencils of Bible verses. They can do it on themselves. There you go.

Jesus wept. Who gets Jesus wept on that one? Jesus wept. If you pay him by the letter, it's the cheapest Bible verse. Famously. They said it. That Bible school I went to.

Discount Bible school. It was in a tree. Yeah, things got worse. There were noises all over the house and the next door house that was empty. Yeah. How did people know that there were noises there then? Because you could hear them through the walls. Oh, okay, right.

The paper boy heard slapping on the door when he knew that no one was there. That is uncanny, isn't it? Yeah, like really wet slapping. And the police were even called about the noises next door and the police checked the door was locked no one was there so far so pipes wet pipes as well as we found but they started to see a strange white shape. It was a shiny mist, like exhaled cigarette smoke, but with silver flashes in it. I've got an account of it here.

We've all heard of exorcisms. We've all heard of the film The Exorcist. Yep. Mm-hmm. No one tried this. Keith's first reaction to the ghost is to shout at it and even to throw his book or newspaper at it elsie is not happy with this and says it makes the mist rush about as if agitated

she thinks they should speak calmly to it but keith admits he finds this difficult so try that with your ghost just shout at it and throw books at it fight fire with fire and then other times it would appear as a circle of a light that moved around the room and they've taken pictures and shown them to david bell the author that He's actually seen them. There's also a black shape. Oh, I went all wet in my mouth. Sounds weird. Do you want me to read this bit?

I'll just read it. I'll read it in your voice just to so the listeners won't know. A black shape begins a small field that's too wet hold on hold on

I'll try and make it just a little bit a black shape that's far too wet there's a little bit too wet there actually oh dear they'd see a black

I don't know how you do it. A black shape that... Did it again. A black shape that begins as a small sphere hovering over the carpet, and then it starts to rush about and change its shape, sometimes looking like a man. There are more manifests. More manifests.

Felt like someone walking on the bed. The bed's shaking. Elsie had her hair pulled Samantha the dog it's just not a good name for a dog Samantha it sounds like a human person's name Samantha Kimberley the dog

the spaniel and she would react like she'd been smacked or had her fur pulled. Sorry, Jones, can I draw attention to the note you've made there? Yeah, I've written human face on it. I knew, I knew, as soon as I mentioned the dog getting its fur pulled, that would get an R,

even though Elsie's had her hair pulled, which is very much the human form of fur. We've had a guy so upset he's shouting at Mist. Got the dog fur pulled brackets human face on it. Yeah. There was a smell like pipe

tobacco mixed with urine. It became a daily event and they moved round to their mate's house and stuff like that. People wouldn't like to come visit them in their own house. It was too spooky. Because of the smelly wee house. Yeah. Where they pull your hair, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And as of 1992, the publication of this book, they had not sold their house. They feel it would be wrong to saddle another family with the problem i looked it up on zoopla it doesn't go back that far annoyingly i can't find it i was really trying to find out they sold it in 93 but they could still be living there to this day right my final tale slash picture is Nighttime. There's a Georgian building built in 1805.

You can probably tell that because it's got one of them bricks in it that says 1805. And it's lit up by a car's headlights on full beam. And who's driving that car? It's Pete Brown, the analytical chemist from earlier. Remember?

There's an attic room and there's a window. And within that window is a sort of glow. You can sort of tell there's a bit of a glow going on. And you can see through the lounge window and through there there's the morrison family alan pete and the wife possibly a cat this is a few years later they're smiling and they're laughing in there they're having a great time yeah we can't hear them so it's sinister no they just look happy they do look happy right they do look happy i can't stress that enough um yeah we're at the morrison's new home we're we're finishing

off that story that we started earlier where they moved out because of the grey lady ghost and now they've moved into this house they've settled in it's the village of of Aston? Also Rutland? Sorry. Sorry. And it's this Georgian building owned by the Honourable George Finch. Pete Brown and his wife, also unnamed, have come to visit. And Pete felt fine. He didn't feel any of the unease he had

at the last place. But his wife. At 2am on a summer night in 1966, England may have just won the world cup and what about wrestlemania don't know it exists in 1966 i bet they did wrestlemania in really long shorts back then and they probably all had second jobs like delivering bread yeah yeah yeah at 2 a.m mrs pete brown shakes p Brown awake. She's terrified. She is in a state of terror.

She's normally tough and no nonsense and has no belief in the supernatural, but she has seen a shining white shape like a man in a white cloak. Ooh. Mmm. And the next morning, Pete breaks it to the Morrisons. Your new house is haunted as well, guys.

I thought you were moving away, but this one's haunted as well. And Alan's like, no, it must just be the light from when the car comes up the hill and goes around the corner and the light goes in the room. It must just be that. And they point out that the spectre wasn't moving. And even that night, Pete goes and gets in his car and drives up the route to prove that it wouldn't have been like that. That seems a bit much, Pete.

They're trying to enjoy their new life. But thanks to the angle of the car and the hedge and whatnot, it definitely couldn't have been that. I mean, at this point, it sounds a bit like a family being harassed by an analytical chemist. I think so.

I think so. That's probably what Alan thought. And he thought, I think I've made a mistake making Pete Barron my best friend. Leaving him alone in my house. They speak to that right honourable fella who owned the hall, Mr Finch. And he said that a previous owner had died in the servants' quarters in 1902. He'd been taken ill just before a party and had been put in the attic.

Just like a Christmas tree. Yeah. And the Christmas lights would just bundle him away. I'll just read the exact quote. He'd been taken ill just before a weekend house party and had been moved to the attic bedroom for everyone's convenience. Oh, yeah.

Next sentence, he'd died there two days later. Not everyone's convenience, is it? Now, Mr Finch had never heard of the room being haunted and was surprised to hear about the shining man in the white cloak. Mrs Brown insisted on a change of bedroom and has never seen a ghost since the incident. So that's the story. That's the third painting of a picture of words.

So it's time for the scores. Those were three great stories. Well done, James. Three great word paintings. Yeah. I really hope word paintings that are paintings for words catches on as the way you describe your stories. Yeah, I think so.

Category one. I'm going to go with supernatural because that's got to be the scariest tale to date. I think it was so dense with ghosts. And we know that ghosts and the supernatural are virtually synonymous. I think it's probably a four or a five. I'm going to put it by way of whoops and cheers to the room. Who thinks it's a four out of five?

That's quite bad. So they may think it's a three. But let's find out who thinks it's a five out of five. And who thinks it's a three. But let's find out who thinks it's a five out of five. And who thinks it's a three? One person. One cruel, cruel person. It's five out of five for Supernatural. Well done.

Excellent. The second category is names. Names. In my experience, wives usually have them. Yeah. More often than not. More often than not. So I'm thinking it's low. In my experience, wives usually have them. Yeah. Often. More often than not. More often than not.

So I'm thinking it's low. Have you got anything that can make up for the fact that that woman's name wasn't it, but we did know the dog's name? Samantha. Samantha the dog. That's such a bad name for a dog. Whilst that wife didn't have a name, Elsie Keith Kimberley,

their surname was Kimberley, that could be an extra name. But then Mrs Brown didn't have a name yeah elsie keith kimberly their surname was kimberly that could be an extra name but then mrs brown didn't have a name she was just mrs pete brown and there were two petes because there was pete and then there was peter yep the three year old peter peter from that bit when i said peter for an hour who thinks it's one out of five come on at least one per pizza. Two out of five. It's two out of five. Unless they were holding out for five. Do we have any Chattergree suggestion? Wet noises. Do we go with wet noises?

I'm happy to go with wet noises. There's Molto. Molto wet noises. What's the next category, James? Wet noises. You say that like I didn't, like like with confusion i was saying that for the recording we're gonna cut out that bit i said it with confusion because i was confused i think it's like well i'm sorry we're not listening it's wet noises

oh no i was teeing you up i thought maybe you'd cast magic i thought you had a like a little rutland moment where you... I just stopped existing briefly. Yeah. I think it's time for the next category, James. What? Wet noises? No, don't...

Oh. The sound of a wet horse clip-clopping down the lane. Do I hear a moist old five? Oh, it's like a wave of sound crashing onto us. The spittle is landing on us. They're actually saying it really wetly. It's a really wet, it's a sodden five. It's satched, as we would say in the North East. Final category is, let it lie, Peter.

He should have let it lie. He should have let it lie. The main thrust of this argument is the Morrisons have settled down into their new house that doesn't have a ghost in it and they've given you an explanation for why your wife thought she saw a ghost and you've waited till that night and you've got in your car and driven around to disprove that to them.

Let it lie, Peter. I know you're an analytical chemist, but turn the analysis off for two seconds. You want to stay friends with the Morrisons? I don't know. As the scully of our Mulder, as the hot ginger one in this podcast, I sort of sympathise with the hard-bitten sceptic. No way, he wasn't a sceptic. He thought it was ghosts. Yeah, screw that guy.

Yeah. He was the one who used to dive down the corridor. Yeah. What did he call it again? A ritual. His ritual. His ritual of going to the toilet involved diving now this guy is a menace let it lie peter i don't even think he's really an analytical chemist i think if you don't like being alone in your friend's house don't be alone

in your friend's house it's very curable yeah all right so i think it's a high one so i'm gonna i'm gonna start the voting at start the voting start the voting at... Start the voting. Start the auction at three. Start the noises. Do I hear three? It's just the noises. No. No sounds.

No three. It's almost spookily. Start the ritual. Begin the ritual. Do I hear an Eldritch four? James, it could be... Oh, this is so tense. It's either going to be five

or they're all going to get in their cars and drive around with the high beams on to prove me wrong. For Let It Lie, Peter, do I hear two? Nothing. It's all or nothing. I've never been this excited during a recording of a podcast. Is it five out of five?

Yes! All right, that's completely blasted, the recording. Could you do that again, less enthusiastically? Nice. Excellent. Thank you very much. Five out of five. What a high score.

This is a very generous crowd we've got today. A very discerning crowd and full respect to the person who about 40 minutes in just left because they were like it's not getting better

is it they were it's going to continue like this to the end and no actually it's going to have a score actually Alistair

no one left that was just the headlights of a car thank you to everybody who came along the headlights of a car. Thank you to everybody who came along. The lives are always fun, but I think this one was especially fun. We'd snuck into first class on the train on the way up.

We did. And I think that buzz of being... Of criminality. Criminality and seeing how the other half, the other 1% live bigger chance actually if you'd like James to be able to travel in first class

a bit more often you know what you can do oh yeah you could join the Patreon at patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod and you will get

something in return not just selfies of me in first class you get a load of bonus episodes you get some stuff you get stickers other things access to the law folk discord which is a lot of fun yeah um and yeah so see you next week um it's also it's world book day on friday so you better be prepared for that, I guess. I don't, I think you've got to be successful

before World Book Day becomes an issue, I think. Although moustaches are quite cheap, aren't they? Exactly. I might do something, I might dress up. LAUGHTER