Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep44: Loremen S4Ep44 - King Charles: The Prequel

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Could this be our most respectful episode yet? Inspired by the crowning of Charles 3: Return of the King, the Loremen recap the entire King Chuck franchise. James recounts Charles I's ghostly premonitions and the much more boring Charles II is briefly mentioned as well. In devastating news, James discovers that he was mispronouncing the word "chrism" throughout the entire coronation. Like the history of Britain's monarchy, the reality is much, much worse than you can imagine. This episode also features respectful cameos from King Cnut, a serial killer turned mayor and little Jimmy Shakes himself. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I am Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, we have such a respectful episode today. Ooh, is it bejeweled and draped in ermine, James? Yes, it is going to be put on a 3D printout of a finger and touched by a monarch. It's so

respectful. I really feel like that bit was designed by someone who didn't visualise it. Or did really visualise it. Did it anyway. So England's got a king. There's nothing we can do about that. Well, let's get up to date on the previouslys

on king's charleses that sounds perfect alistair james can i just say this is a very respectful episode. So respectful. It's going to be, I think, one of our top two most respectful episodes. I think top three, with the Stone of Destiny. Stone of Destiny. I nearly said Stone of Density. It is dense. And it's also, that's another Under the Radar, Back to the Future reference.

It's the bit where George McFly is doing the chat-up lines. Our density has brought us together. I mean, our destiny. Which is also, it's actually quite a good joke, because density does bring things together because of gravity. Yep. Yes, nice point. Actually, good work, Gail and Zemeckis.

Any road. Alistair, I don't know if you've noticed, there's been a coronation. Oh, there's a change in the air. You can tell. Dogs are smiling. Birds also smiling, singing happy songs. The sky is without a cloud in it.

Everything feels different. What is it? it's got that new king smell we're in the carol ian era is that right carol carol ian carol ian carol ian i want to say carol indian i'm not surprised you do it sounds like a great word no i've said it aloud that sounds like nonsense carol ian is that that it? Carolean? Carol? Ian? It's Chazzy time. We're in the Chaz times. It was the Chaz'd of times. It was the Chaz'd of times.

Basically, England. I was about to say England's got a new king. So is Scotland. Bad luck. For now. You made your bed, Scotland. And I'll leave it at that as far as the commentary of the nations that make up the United Kingdom. I think also, I think Wales was invaded and Scotland was a forced agreement because they had bankrupted themselves trying to colonise America.

I believe. Is that what really happened? Folks, if I'm wrong i mean you're gonna let me know yeah but as a sort of vague back of a cigarette packet sum up that's pretty much what i understand it to be well this has been an extremely vague intro so far but i think what you're getting at is that former prince king charles has become a king in an unprecedented career move. After the longest job interview in history, he's become king.

He is, and he's Charles III. As anyone who's stumbled upon a franchise three films in wants to know, what happened in the other two? Because the thing is, he dies at the end of the first one, doesn't he? But then they find a way of bringing him back, if I understand it yes in two very unsatisfying narratively it's like all the all the big franchise movies slasher horrors you just you think you've killed them yes they just keep coming back what's that is that the sound of a golden carriage following me home. Me, a high school teen in a crop top. Okay. This isn't Lawmen Nights.

It's a podcast. I can describe that. And if you imagine it, that's your fault. Yeah. I haven't shown you any images. If you're imagining me as a teen wearing a crop top, that's on you. It's the grubby theatre of the mind. I'm not responsible for your visualisation faculty.

For your mind's eye. Our aphantasic listeners have never been happier. Yeah. I don't know if that's how you pronounce that. It means people who can't visualise things. Yes. Sorry, this has been the vaguest start to an episode ever. Yeah.

Well, to be more vague, before we go into a little sort of pick and mix of Charlie's one and two, I just want to talk about King Canute ever so briefly. Yes. Do you know the story of King Canute? And I made a joke that he outlawed anagrams. And you said, why? And it was very difficult to explain the joke. I get it now. Yes. It's a written down joke. But sometimes it's Canute spelled C-A-N-U-T-E.

Bye, cowards. So the story of King Canute is that he told the tide to turn back and it didn't yes now i was taught that by bible people yeah and they said that it was like a sort of a warning to like not try and usurp the power of god because he was kind of he was being all hubristic and saying i'm more powerful than god i can turn the tide back and then can't. But that's not the point of the story. The other version of it that I've heard is that he did it to demonstrate to his followers that he wasn't supremely powerful, because they believed that he could turn the tide back. Yeah.

And so he did it to show that he couldn't. Although that kind of feels like the way he spun failing to turn the tide back. Like as the water sloshed into his mouth, he's like, so you see, I was making a point. It's a test. It's a test. It's a test, and you failed. Everyone leave me alone. You've all failed, and I've made a brilliant point.

And I've made the point so clearly, there's no way anyone could misunderstand it in the future. So make sure to put that in the books. The point was, I couldn't do it and i meant to not do it actually just a little quick sidebar on the sidebar king canute's dad king swine of denmark s-w-e-y-n like swine okay like the wayne's world. The anti-schwing. It's for, like, someone you dislike. Swine! Yeah, King Swine of Denmark was killed by a ghost.

What? By a spear-wielding ghost of St Edmund. Oh. Who'd been martyred by the Danes 140 years earlier. You don't get a lot of killed by ghosts in history, really, do you? Killed by a ghost? Yeah. So, to be fair, if you? Killed by a ghost? Yeah. So, to be fair, if your dad was killed by a ghost,

you might think, I might be able to stop the sea. You know, the frame of what's possible has expanded if your dad's been killed by a ghost. Yeah, I suppose so. This is from Folklore, Myths and Legends of Britain, a friend of the show. That's the big, the Reader's Digest one. Yeah, Reader's Digest, Folklore, Myths and Legends. The one with the guy on the front great this goes with the narrative that canute was trying to prove that

he wasn't more powerful than god yeah and it has the quote let all the world know that the power of monarchs is vain no one deserves the name of king but he whose will the heavens earth and sea do obey oh i see so king can it was saying i'm not even really a king it's not even king's not even important mate so yeah i just thought i'd just tell that story apropos of nothing yeah no one deserves the title of king continue james anyway because i i presume you didn't watch the um match on Saturday, the big correlation. No, I did not watch it. The bit that was the most interesting bit was the bit that they brought a special screen around for.

Wait, which kind of a screen? Like a big screen to allow you to see it? No, it wasn't the Jumbotron. We're going to want to really see the crown going right on the head in 5k resolution wouldn't it and the archbishop's giving him a kiss because they did that don't they in american sports when they put they they'd have a kiss cam i'll do that oh i see i see i thought you meant for the players kiss during like if you do a really good thing in the game oh they also do that but yeah great kick that would be nice it's usually like a goal it's not just a sort of midway through the game like running back to defend give him a quick peck on

the cheek just a little kiss as you go yeah just a little kiss in passing good command of the space there no um the bit where they anoint the king with the holy oil, chism. You've got to be careful how you say that. This is actually pronounced chrism, not chism. Chrism, not chism. And that's the bit that gives them the God power, the power to cure the king's evil and stuff like that. So the power is in the oil? Yeah, so that's the bit where they get the power from God.

So, James, if you or I, if a plebeian like you or I were to get a hold of that oil, where they get the power from god so if james if you or i if a plebeian like you or i were to get a hold of that oil we'd have the power of kings i think so i think it was like some king said it got prophesied at one point that the the special king would get this oil on him and then he was like look i found the oil that everyone was talking about so gasped in the auditorium. But yeah, that bit wasn't allowed to be shown on telly. That's where they put the magic screen up. We weren't allowed to see the magic oil going on him. Yeah, that's the only

bit I was there for. You told me I was going to see an oiled up king. And now I'm not even going to see that. I'm glad I didn't watch it now. Where the god powers come in, in what i presume were 80s style electric special effects the only special effects they had in the 80s the archbishop canterbury goes all like the emperor by the power of this stone that's a

bit like greystone i have the power so to recap re king char I, he came to a sticky end at the end of the Civil War. Yes. And, you know what? He could have avoided it. Are you saying he went a little bit too far? Are you telling me that he lost his head? He did lose his head, actually. But, yeah, he had a warning. He was warned. Before the Battle of Naseby which he lost and was a big turning point in the civil war he stayed in daventry at the wheat chief inn

on sheaf street he'd just taken lester by storm i'm getting this from law of the land westward and simpson which seems to be reviewing a tour. Yeah. I mean, I've always gone down quite well at the Leicester Comedy Festival, so I suppose I've got something in common with King Charles. And then I've gone on to die in a different location afterwards. He was on his way to Oxford. So King Charles was in Daventry, and he entered there with a thorough resolution of fighting, but overnight changed his mind.

Oh. Yeah. And according to the history of Southwell, 1787, the occasion of this alteration was said to be some presages, is that the right pronunciation of that word? Of ill fortune which the king received and which were related to me by a person off Newark at that time in his majesty's horse. What?

Sorry, at that time in his majesty's horse? Yeah, in his majesty's horse. Why would you mention that? If that means really throwing that guy under the bus or into the horse to mention that while he told you he was in a horse. How do you... He can't all have been in the horse or you wouldn't have been able to hear, so part of him must have been protruding.

Oh, yeah. I don't want to think about that. No. Right, OK, so... At least his mouth must have been out. That has to have been a typo. He was either on the Majesty's horse or in the Majesty's house. Surely he wasn't in his horse. Surely he wasn't in his horse. Surely he wasn't in his horse.

But the story goes that about two hours after the King had retired to rest, some of his attendants, hearing an uncommon noise in his chamber, went into it where they found His Majesty sitting up in bed. The King, in a trembling voice, told them how he had been agitated in a dream by thinking he saw the apparition of Lord Stratford. Now, sidebar to this, Lord Stratford is someone that was the king's former counsellor whose death warrant he'd signed four years earlier.

Oh, so he's dead now. Yeah, so he upbraided him with unkindness and told him he was come to return him good for evil and they advised him by no means to fight the Parliament army that was at that time quartered at Northampton. Okay, so it's like, you killed me, but let me help you out. Prince Rupert, in whom courage was the predominant quality, raided the king out of his apprehension the next day. So Prince Rupert was in whom courage was the predominant quality, rated the king out of his apprehension the next day.

So Prince Rupert was like... Prupert. Yeah, Prupert. Yeah, that was a dream. I know I say that a lot on the podcast. In this case. But in this case, it was also a dream. It's always a dream.

Well, the very next night, Alistair, the apparition appeared a second time, but with looks of anger. Was he also in bed again? Yes. He was. Well, in that case, I'm stumped as to how this could have happened. Please continue.

This ghost slash dream basically said, I've told you I'm quite annoyed now. I've warned you not to fight tomorrow. If you do, it will go badly for you. So Charles remained another day at Daventry, and he wasn't sure whether to go for the big fight or not. He finally decided to take the ghost's advice, but it was too late.

The army had caught up with them, so he had to fight, basically. As it's reported in the history of Southwell, if his majesty had taken the advice of the friendly ghost, his affairs might perhaps still have had prosperous issue. After this, he could never get together an army fit to look the enemy in the face. Ooh, ooh.

And Charles was often heard to say that he wished he had taken the warning and not fought at Nasebury, the meaning of which nobody knew. Everyone's like, what are you on about? The warning. And he said about this thing that happened and everyone said yeah you probably should mention that mate

sounds a bit weird I thought the ghost was tricking him so I was wrong no the ghost was loyal beyond the grave and beyond the pale he was murdered he was a true friendly ghost he puts Casper to shame also a little sidebar

I'm going to pop a little question in, and I'm just going to drop, I'm going to pop a little question in here, which I'm going to answer later on. Nice. That's structurally satisfying. So in the town of Naseby, there's bits of folklore, unsurprisingly, and ghost stories about this big famous battle. It's one of the towns where you're supposed to be able to see the battle recreated in the sky. Yep, yep. Love a sky battle.

Reading from Westbourne Simpson and Laurel Land, friend of the show, the Battle of Naseby evidently remained the talk of the village for many years. The Reverend John Mastin, vicar of Naseby, wrote in 1792, Some years ago, on a Shrove Tuesdayuesday two women of the village had a violent dispute in the churchyard from words they proceeded to blows and fought most furiously when a man who was shot at the battle of nasebury came out of a grave and parted them wow yes oh the ultimate she's not worth it intervention. To actually leap bodily out of your grave. And Alistair, that actually happened.

Did it? And I'm going to explain how later. Oh, I love it. In the meantime, you'll never guess who pops into this story now. It's little Jimmy Shake Shaft. What? It's me, the very me. The little Jimmy Shake's co-host of the Lawmen podcast. Yeah, the very the very me little jimmy shakes co-host of the lawmen podcast

yeah very same so i i don't know if i told this story on a bonus episode available via the patreon about a time when i was about 11 or 12 and i went on a bible away day a bible away day a bible away day where people you take people's Bibles away. Yeah. Just for a day. Hundreds of children sneak into houses and hotels across the land, steal the Bibles. At the end of the day, I was clearing up all the... We'd taken games as well as Bibles.

I was clearing up all the games and it was an old manor house. It was a former manor house that had been converted into like a college or something. And it was in a flagstone hall and I dropped the dominoes onto the flagstones. You can imagine that's quite a clatter. Yeah. And I was on my own. Are you going to tell me they formed like a word? Did they form like, and Jesus' face appeared and spoke to you.

Sadly, no. No? No. All they did was make a noise. Clatter, clatter, clatter. And I'm picking them up. So I'm bent down, picking them up. And the hackles on the back of my neck are up.

Oh. So I sense I'm being watched. There's all these like larger than life portraits of of former people to do with this manor house. You know, like the massive ones. Yeah. And I feel like they're all staring at me. And I've never been more scared. Really?

I felt like I was about to have a ghostly encounter. Nothing happened, but I just felt like I was being watched. It was really terrifying. nothing happened but i just felt like i was being watched it was really terrifying now through some internet research i've worked out where that was and it was little compton there's a old manor house which has now been turned into a school for accountants and i think that's what it was i think it was a school for accountants but they kind of oh like the hogwarts for accountants and i think that's what it was i think it was a school for accountants but they kind of like the hogwarts for accountants their sorting hat is is to be fair you know it's efficient but it's very dull yeah yes but to be fair there are there are like there's accountants who are nice and boring and then there's uh accountants who are eccentric and then there's accountants

who are evil which is the larger category I think This manor house that's now an accountancy school was not always an accountancy school it was formerly a manor house as you can probably tell and there lived the Bishop William Juxon

who was a close friend of King Charles I Bishop Willie Jux? Billy Jux, yes. He accompanied Charles I to the scaffold. That's nice of him. And heard his last words. And he was obviously relieved of his duties and retired to this manhouse in Little Compton.

Just lived a quiet life until 1660, when the Reggies came back in, King Charles II was crowned, and he appointed this guy as the Archbishop of Canterbury, and he died three years later. And it was claimed that following his death, his gentle voice was heard on many occasion in the manor house, reciting the forbidden Anglican offices.

This is from Folklore and Mysteries of the Cotswolds. It says, nowadays, the house is a school for accountants, but it is said that even today, the Archbishop's voice can sometimes be heard softly whispering in some of the rooms. Now, I didn't hear a voice. Yeah. But yeah, that's my...

Didn't even see an accountant. Didn't even see an accountant. They would have been able to count the dominoes really fast. Yes. I mean, to be fair, I am confusing accountants with the character Rain Man. Although he's not Rain Man, is he? Everyone calls him Rain Man, but Rain Man is Tom Cruise. Yes, Tom Cruise is Rain Man, Raymond.

Yep. And now we're going to go back to Reader's Digest Folklore Myths and Legends of Britain. Thank you. But I enjoyed that little detour, that little flashback that told us a little bit about where James comes from, what his motivation is. We're going to go to the Fens now. Ooh, the Fens.

The Fens of... East Anglia. That's where we were when we did the Zetetic astronomers. Oh, were we on the Fens then? We were out Fenwood. Ah. Because it's flat. Oh, baby, it's flat in the Fens.

There was another way that charles maybe could have got out of getting killed that time king charles king charles king charles yeah yeah yeah so there's an ancient custom in the fen country that whoever carried a split goose feather was entitled to the help and protection of fen men in times of trouble right it's weird but okay it seems the fen men are quite a separate lot i didn't really know this until doing this bit of research here oh by the way we're gonna find out about the monks of eli and they don't get on with the fen men no and the monks of eli are really genuinely bad people according to okay yeah so if you find yourself in fen country as long as you've got yourself a goose feather

that you can split yes you should be able to get yourself assistant from the fen men probably keep a packet of goose feathers unsplit in your back pocket and have a split one on hand yes that's a good idea and then if anything happens to that you can just split one of the unsplit goose feathers unsplit in your back pocket and have a split one on hand. Yes, that's a good idea. And then if anything happens to that, you can just split one of the unsplit goose feathers. One of the spares. So Cromwell came from Huntingdon, which was nearby, and he recruited many of his soldiers from that region by using the custom of giving him a split goose feather

and saying, you've got to help me out now. Be in my army really yeah as far as being press gang goes that's very very low bar to get over a split goose feather and it can be abused this custom because charles the first knew about it he was being chased by cromwell's troops from snow hall in norfolk across the little port fens and he and his cavaliers escaped by showing split goose feathers to the roundhead sentries. And Cromwell took no action against the men saying it was better

that kings escape than old customs should be broken. Words he would eat. I suppose. Like you or I or I would eat a goose. Yeah I wouldn't eat a goose. No. So the king was caught in 1648 and sentenced to death. And legend has it that on the night before his execution,

he sent a messenger to Cromwell. And the messenger says, His Majesty, scorning to ask for mercy, demands to be given the rights and privileges always granted to everyone who presents this. And the messenger threw a split goose feather on the table sorry i thought i was going to be like he he gives him the finger he said he's just got a little message for him in my pocket no i'm just kidding it he

has got a message for you it's got one message actually it's two let's go to another one just around the back here oh can you hear this message would you like me to turn it up that's that one where they they do yeah and yeah upside down and then turn it around hold on this one's uh this one's like a wind-up thing where you gotta oh that's a nice one there it is my favorite one i like to do fist with thumb sticking out but your thumb in your mouth and struggle like you're blowing up a balloon. Yeah. Pop the finger up.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, lovely. Brilliant. And you're telling me that after that, Oliver Cromwell was not moved to be merciful? He sat and stared at the goose feather, fighting with his conscience. And though the execution was carried out the next day,

it is said that Cromwell brooded for the rest of his life over his refusal to honour the ancient Fenland tradition. Mmm. Mmm. I don't believe that. No. There's some right old stuff about the Fens in here. Some real...

I don't think we've got time for it now, but those bishops of Eli are... The cheeky, cheeky monkeys of Eli. Terrible. How bad were they because you you're just you're making me worried like they're stealing people's wives what yeah you're monks so just tying it back into earlier the fenland is one of the places that that king canute story is supposed to have happened right it's like everywhere with a river or a coast has said that that happened there and legend says

that he did it there and afterwards as it says here the king wandered away by himself and went fishing just really brooded over the fact that that uh just uh just a little bit of time alone to deal with how well my thing went where I demonstrated what I intended to demonstrate. And also maybe to change my clothes. Because I am sodden. Satched. Absolutely satched. He asked for shelter at a nearby monastery,

but the drunken monks refused him. So he found refuge instead at the hut of a poor fisherman named Legres. Legres. L-E-G-R-E-S. Leggers. Yeah, let's go with Leggers. It's definitely not that, but let's call him Leggers. And King Canute was like, bloody monks, not letting me in.

Chief, blooming. I mean, I may, you know, a king might be worthless and all that, as I pointed out in my excellent demonstration earlier. But still. Which went completely to plan, by the way. Yeah. Have you got any spare clothes? I didn't bring any with us.

How confident I was that it was going to go well. I wanted to really make my point. But I am a bit cold now. And the man was like, yeah, them monks, tell you what, they stole my wife. Mrs. Leggers? I went to try and rescue her. They beat the S out of me.

This wife died in the monastery and then each year for 18 years on the anniversary of the day she died Leggers killed a monk good for you Leggers

he's killed 18 monks by this point wow and he just told the king this yeah this place is the wild west is the wild east this is a ridiculous that you would say that's the king within a day of knowing him but still good for you leggers canoe went out somebody's fleet he's obviously got an idea of this somebody's fleet and attacked the monastery many of the monks were killed and the remainder were forced to build a new fishing village which is today known as little port and in return for his kindness to the king leggers was made its first mayor oh so it worked out okay

for all leggers in the end yeah leggers the serial killer worked out all right for him some yeah i guess the lesson is sometimes serial killing pays off yeah tell the right person and it could pay off if you kill enough monks you could become mayor of a little fishing village yeah i mean it still worked out quite badly for leggers's wife so not everyone's a winner. No. And we haven't got time for Charlie 2, I'm afraid. Just a brief synopsis. During the Civil War, he hid in a tree. He hid in a tree? Yeah, hid in a tree.

He lost a battle and hid in a tree to escape the Roundheads. So brave. And that tree, there's a tree there still to this day. He bravely concealed himself in a hollow of a tree. He bravely hid in a tree. That is, well, that's just a little recap of Charlie 1 mostly. There you go. Well, a lesson to us all.

Yeah. Especially King Charles. Oh, his ghost does haunt somewhere. I forgot to mention that. That's extremely general. He was the king and he was executed, so I'd be shocked if his ghost didn't haunt anywhere. Where do you think it would haunt, though?

Around a scaffold or a royal palace. What about Marple in Cheshire? Yeah, there. Yeah, that's where it is. Right, yes, that's what I thought. It's at the ruins of Marple in Cheshire. Yeah, there? Yeah, that's where it is. Right, yes, that's what I thought. It's at the ruins of Marple Hall, which was owned by Henry Bradshaw, who was like his brother John Bradshaw.

They were part of the signatures of Charles I's death warrant. Oh. So he haunted the people who were responsible. Yes, but as it says here, it was the headless ghost of Charles I. How did they recognise him? Yeah, exactly, exactly. So there you go. I mean, I'm ready for some scores.

Let's do it. I imagine I'm going to be scored well and fairly. Oh, certainly, yes. I am true neutral when it comes to the monarchy. Always very, very fair. But otherwise, are you ready to score me? Yes, I am ready to score Go on then, go on then First category, names Now, yes, we've got three Charleses, minimum

Okay, yeah, but that is the same name three times Yeah, alright We've got Canute Great name, because it's funny. His dad, the Swang. The Swang, yeah, that's great. Yep, I like those. We just don't name kings as well these days.

We've got Dave and Tree. We've got Dave and Tree. Yes, we've got Charles and a Tree. Naseby. Does sound fun. It's fun to say. Yes, yep, yep, yep. The Cheeky Monks of Eli The Cheeky Monks of Eli.

Cheeky Monks of Eli. I mean, to be honest, kidnapping does go a little bit beyond being cheeky. They're more than cheeky. Yeah, that's more than cheeky. That's terrible. They're a terrible bunch. Really awful. Bishop Billy Jackson.

His full surname is Billy Juxtaposition. I think it's a three. One per Charlesles really okay then fair enough i'll take it but behind a screen yeah you're just gonna anoint yourself with that in private okay next category then supernatural supernatural uh well there was a ghost that was clearly a dream and he appeared twice yes a recurring ghost slash dream there was a ghost that was clearly a dream and he appeared twice yes a recurring ghost slash dream there was a great folk practice the giving of a split goose feather yes which it's it was not itself king canoe was just a man becoming wet that's

not actually supernatural is it oh yeah his whole point is that the whole point is that he wasn't supernatural uh what about me and the dominoes? Lil' Jimmy Shakes and the dominoes. Well, that was kind of like a little boy dropping some dominoes. And being a bit scared. I enjoyed the story, but it's not really supernatural, is it, for a child to drop something and be scared? I think it's a one out of five for supernatural, I'm sorry.

Damn it. What about the headless ghost of probably Charles I? Yeah, we don't even know who that ghost is. So until that ghost can be accurately identified. That ghost could be anyone. Oh, there was one thing. I've already rendered my verdict, but go ahead. Well, this category then is...

Hey, what happened to that bit earlier when you said the guy came out of the grave and stopped two women arguing? Oh, yes. Sorry, you're naming this category, hey, what happened to that bit earlier when a guy came out of a grave and stopped two women arguing? Yes, thank you.

Well remembered. Proceed, counsel. So on investigation, it transpired that Humphrey Thompson, a parishioner of Naseby, and quartermaster fighting for Charles I in the Battle of Naseby, was wounded but not killed. And after quitting the army, he was made parish clerk and grave digger.

And he was digging a grave when the argument took place. So he leapt out of a grave. There you have it, Columbo. Yeah, no, that was good. I mean, obviously, Columbo famously tells you who did it at the start, but still. Oh, yeah. It's really not Columbo, is it?

He could have chosen literally any other detective, but it's fine. There you have it, Poirot. Yeah, so he leapt up out of a grave, but he was alive the whole time. Yeah, so someone who was shot during the Battle of Naseby climbed up out of a grave and stopped them women fighting whole time. Yeah, so someone who was shot during the Battle of Naseby climbed up out of a grave and stopped them women fighting that time. That's very clever because the way you phrased it implied that the person had been killed.

But you didn't actually lie. I Derren Browned you. So that's extremely satisfying. That's exactly the kind of thing I like. You relied on my expectations and confounded me. And later confounded them. Yeah. Five out of five.

I mean, I can't take any credit. I've literally read it verbatim from the law of the land. Westwood and Simpson. Well, good work to them. Still, you're getting the points because there's no justice in this world. Well, final score has got to be. Final category. Final category. I'm just correcting you because I didn't correct you when you said clerk

instead of clerk earlier Carry on Chism Chrism Oh, chrism Oh, chrism Final category Putting a human face on things

This is not the first time that has been a category in Lawmen, I think You love to put a human face on things. I've put in human faces on things. Be it situations or dogs. Yeah. Situations, carrots and dogs. Yeah.

Eggs. Eggs. So I think we really put a human face on one. King Charles I, where we talked about him trying to get out of getting killed by sending a feather.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, true. That's kind of sad. Even though he may not have been a great guy, but execution's not nice either. So, swings and roundabouts. It's not a nice thing to have. Although, and he put a human face on that guy that he signed the death warrant of by having his that that guy's inhuman face come and visit him in a dream twice yeah yeah that's true and i had a human face when I was a child. Yes, yes, you did. And, hmm, that might be it.

I'll tell you why it's not I, James. That's because when Charles himself came back to haunt the people who signed his death warrant, do you see where I'm going with this? The one thing he did not bring with him was a human face. Yeah. Because he appeared in a headless form so he would have been he would have been turned away at a polling booth in 2023 good point charles the first famously wouldn't

have been interested that's yeah that's true yep he was he was kind of against the whole thing. So I'm afraid it's a very disappointing two out of five. You had three examples, but I'm knocking one off because of the pointed lack of a face. Yeah, I can see how that happened. To be honest, I can see how that happened. Yeah. Well, you've really fumbled it. really fumbled it oh thank you for updating me there james on uh charles and uh charles to oh alistair you bet there is a bonus episode for this which features so much more respect yeah yeah on the subject of giving money to people who do basically nothing to earn it, join our Patreon. Yes, and get access to that bonus episode,

which will feature in full the bit where I realise I've been saying chism when I should have been saying chism. Unedited. The penny drops. Live and in your ears. unedited the penny drops live and in your ears and I think back to how many times

I said Chisholm in front of my mum and mother-in-law on Saturday oh dear is it going to be a right royal respectful gore bless them flags little, flags, little cakes? Those are your nicknames for King Charles and Queen Camilla, flags and little cakes.

Flags and little cakes. I've seen wheezy little patriotic dogs. Oh, we love the monarchy. Are you on about the guy that was sat next to Lord Webber? I didn't watch it. I don't know who you're talking about. There was a guy sat next to Lord Sir Andrew Lloyd lloyd weber lord sir andrew lloyd weber yeah and he looked like sir andrew lord weber i don't know um yes and this guy looked like he'd be he was a scotty dog who'd been cursed

to live as a human