Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep51: Loremen S4Ep51 - Guy of Warwick

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

Man vs Cow! The epic battle continues. James tells the romantic tale of the English knight Guy of Warwick, who (rather unromantically) killed a massive cow. The cow was very, very angry and bigger th...an a van, so don't judge Guy too harshly. He also killed a handful of dragons, but we skip over them. It was all a witch's fault, really. Listen carefully, and you will learn about a rude flower, what sneezes mean and what NOT to do with children's teeth. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, I want to talk to you about a guy. Yeah? Yeah, a really special guy. Time for guy talk. Yeah, this is guy talk.
Starting point is 00:00:39 Okay. A humble guy who fought a big cow. You're going to find out all about that. Mm-hmm. This guy, Guy of War cow. You're going to find out all about that. This guy, Guy of Warwick. Guy of Warwick. This guy. Hello there, Alistair.
Starting point is 00:01:01 Beckett King. Hello, James. Shake shaft. Sit down, I've been a spitting you. Take a seat. I've been a spitting you. No this is my office. Wait wait whose house are we in? I don't know. Oh okay I think it's my office. I don't know. You can't you can't you have to yes and you can't make it your office. I just said come in. We're doing the worst kind of improviser. It's not yes and. It's neither yes anding and not no butting it's just what what hey what this is the kind of in-sync banter that people really compliment the podcast for it is you you guys bounce off each
Starting point is 00:01:35 other so well in a completely repelling each other kind of way like two bouncy balls in a small box just and confusion just doing their own thing i've got well first of all i'd like to share with you something that i learned this weekend from my children via their grandma turns out there's a plant called stinking willy all right yeah it's it's a ragwort. Ragwort? Ragwort. And that's Stinking Willie. A.K.A. Stinking Willie.
Starting point is 00:02:09 Wow. It's a flower. It's spelled W-I-L-L-I-E. Of course. Which tones down some of the... I should hope so. Thank you. Unsurprisingly known as the Jacobean vulgaris.
Starting point is 00:02:22 Yes. Because it's ever so rude. Mmm. Also, Stinking Nanny, Stinking Nilly. Why are you bringing nannies into this? I don't know. And the dog standard. The dog's standard?
Starting point is 00:02:34 A dog standard. That's quite rude to dogs. That's for a newspaper, isn't it? That's a newspaper with the latest canine news. Oh, cost of bones has gone up again Then to a human Bring me my pipe and slippers The air human lopes off
Starting point is 00:02:50 Gets hit by the newspaper for dragging itself across the carpet The human is doing that Yep Oh dear what's he eating He's rolled in another human's poo But that's pretty rude on dogs That a dog standard Is the same as a stinking willy
Starting point is 00:03:06 it is poisonous to horses and cows by the way thank you for the warning um and fairies probably used it as a form of transport to get to ireland there's a mixture here of right and folk all right okay A form of transport. How? Using the petals of the flower like a helicopter? Donald McAllister on the Isle of Arran, I love Arran, said that that's how they picked a plant,
Starting point is 00:03:37 sat astride it, and arrived in Ireland in an instant. So, yeah. Sort of the Concord of the fairy world. That's very fast. But, Al alistair i'm not here to tell you about stinking willies no no no no i want to tell you about a guy yeah a very special guy guy of warwick do you know much about guy of warwick i don't know anything about guy of warwick is he one of the frenchy ones so it should be like gee gee de warwick
Starting point is 00:04:05 or is he from a different period altogether i think the name did come over with the normans his stories who don't sound that french but were yeah he's one of the knights of yore oh yeah his stories have sort of written down the 1300s to 1600s that's when he was kind of quite famous he didn't write them down over that 300-year period. No. In the late 17th century, Doug Dale wrote them down. That's the guy's surname. Oh, not Doug Dale.
Starting point is 00:04:34 He's not Doug Dale. Oh, I thought he was Doug Dale. I thought he was an American sports commentator. Or every dad from Neighbours. Sir William Doug Dale was... Nicknamed Stinking Willie Dugdale. He was a historian and whatnot. But he was already in the past. I'm sorry you're going to have to say that again.
Starting point is 00:04:55 It seems weird when you see historians that lived in the 1600s. Like, that's history times. A lot of it was guessing back then. I've read history books from that time. And they were like, Wizard came to town. yes that brings us to guy so guy of warwick is one of the tales that makes up the matter of england which is it seems that matters were like a sort of a triptych of combined historical works from the past right so like there's the matter of king arthur which is all about king arthur's the matter of king arthur which is all
Starting point is 00:05:25 about king arthur stuff the matter of charlemagne which is about charlemagne business yeah paladins and whatnot and then a matter of greek and roman stuff which is like return of the greek myths basically and then there's the matter separately there's the matter of england which is a bit there's no real agreed list and there isn't like a through line so it's a bit sort of cobbled together and the names of those stories uh are great these are the ones that are broadly agreed to make up the matter of england athelstan bevis of hampton guy of warwick hornchild or king horn okay which we're definitely going to come to one day f Fouke Fitzwarren. Ooh. Fouke Fitzwarren. Gamelin. Havelock the Dane.
Starting point is 00:06:08 Richard Curdileon. And Waldeff. Wow. Richard Curtis's lion. Yeah. They have names reminiscent of, I think, early computer games. Yeah. Yes.
Starting point is 00:06:20 Lord British. Kingdom of Daventry and so on. Gamelin. Waldeff. Oh, I keep losing on the first level of Daventry and so on. Gamelin, Waldef. I keep losing on the first level of Havelock. The Dane. Oh, the Leon got me again. I'm imagining it's a lion.
Starting point is 00:06:37 Yes, yeah, I think so. Even the name, The Matter of England, is an odd name. It makes it sound like he's found it difficult to broach, like it's a house meeting. Yes. Yeah, he's done a big inhale inhale through his teeth before so to the matter of england yes um i i clearly wrote on the whiteboard uh wales was mine yeah yeah yeah see i buy 16 loo rolls at a time. I'm noticing you're bringing them individually, already started,
Starting point is 00:07:07 and it's the same brand that they have in the pub. Take me for a fool. Those pub ones are massive, so that's really good value. Yeah, that is good value. But they don't fit on them. You should be thanking me. They don't fit under that woman's crochet dress, Nan.
Starting point is 00:07:24 That's a callback to your Nan. Yeah, my Nan nan would be furious she did have the big one for the hoover she would have had to use the hoover one yeah for loo roll yeah so guy of warwick so oh let me cite my sources it's a wonderful book called folklore old customs and superstitions in shakespeare land which is a sort of cutesy way of referring to Warwick. It's not a probably rubbish theme park. By J. Harvey Bloom, M.A. on FSG. Oh. Don't know what that means.
Starting point is 00:07:56 Should have looked it up. Yeah. We can but guess. But it would involve swearing. M.A. Master of Arts. Yeah. That's honorable. The honorable arts, not the not the
Starting point is 00:08:06 dishonorable arts so not necromancy not media studies he also is the author of shakespeare's garden the griffins of dingley and english seals etc and it's literally only on that reading there that i've realized he's talking about like coats of arms type stuff genuinely all day i've been picturing something yeah with way more rainbow balls it's as he outlines in his in his foreword so this was uh compiled in 1929 and he was talking to like the oldest people he knew in Warwickshire Shakespeare Land sorry Shakespeare Land
Starting point is 00:08:52 you're saying Lund to make clear that it's not a theme park yeah I'd go to Shakespeare Land yeah get your picture taken with the skull from Hamlet get signatures of the three witches from Macbeth and other things from other plays. Yes.
Starting point is 00:09:07 You'd be like, the only person in the costume is like Timon of Athens. Like, who are you? I don't even know who you are. Are you Julius Caesar? No. I'm Timon of Athens, but I'm not supposed to talk. It's not pronounced Timon like Simon.
Starting point is 00:09:23 It's like Timon and Pumbaa, which is based on a different Shakespeare play. Yeah, that is quite annoying, that he's called Timon, but it's got nothing to do with that play. Yeah. Is there a Pumbaa in Shakespeare? Is he one of the Gentlemen of Verona?
Starting point is 00:09:48 I bet in the gift shop you'd be able to get those sort of squidgy eyes that would be like the guy from King Lear that gets his eyes out. Oh, yeah, Gloucester, I think. Yeah, Gloucester. Yeah, you could get just maybe a bouncy ball. Doink! In the shape of Gloucester's eyes. And two, I think this is overlapping with some Shakespeare merch that we came up with beforehand,
Starting point is 00:10:03 which was the Coriolanusol, amongst other things. I forgot about Coriolanusol. Yeah, yes. So there would probably be a small pharmacy. Yeah. And you'd be able to get some Clearasil Outdam Spot. Is that brand new to this episode? That is, I hope, brand new.
Starting point is 00:10:22 And I haven't lost my mind so much that I've forgotten that I did that pun, because I'm very proud of it. Well, just as a little sidebar, one of the chapters in this book is children's complaints. They do complain, don't they? Don't they? No, it's things that you would do to help kids' illnesses get better. Oh, complaints, I see. Yes. help kids illnesses get better oh complaints i see yes so um the first teeth of children whether falling out naturally or removed should be sprinkled with salt and burned do you want to
Starting point is 00:10:54 know why go ahead because if by chance a dog ate one then the new tooth will be a dog's tooth so oh right yeah you need to be prepared also a milk tooth after it dropped out should be placed in a mouse's hole for then the new tooth would be as small as that of a mouse's what hold on make up your mind why do you it should be placed in it why would you want a very small tiny mouse you wouldn't want a mouth full of mouse what if the dog hit the mouse after the mouse ate the tooth? Oh, my God. Great questions all.
Starting point is 00:11:28 Unfortunately, this book is nearly 100 years old. We're never going to find out. No. Also, a little rhyme about sneezing. Please, go ahead. Are you a Molto sneeze guy? The people that go, choo, choo, choo, choo. No, not me.
Starting point is 00:11:39 I'm one and done. Okay, so there's a couple of songs. One for wishing, two for for kissing three for a shocking bad cold and then sneeze on a monday sneeze for danger sneeze on a tuesday kiss a stranger sneeze on a wednesday have a letter sneeze on a thursday something better sneeze on a friday sneeze for sorrow sneeze on saturday see your lover tomorrow and if you sneeze on Sunday, you will be a wicked person all the rest of the week. Ooh. It gets a bit harsh at the end.
Starting point is 00:12:10 Kiss a stranger? While you're sneezing. I mean, that is definitely pre-COVID. If you do have a cold, just put some onion in your socks. Was that the sound of you closing the book? Yep. Literally, we've closed the book on that issue.
Starting point is 00:12:26 No further questions. Yep. Put an onion in your sock. But Alistair, none of that has got anything to do with this guy, Guy of Warwick. So the story of Guy of Warwick, I think he deserves a bit more focus than I'm going to give him now. I'm just going to tell you a little escapade of his. Just as a bit of backstory, he's the son of a steward
Starting point is 00:12:47 and he fell in love with the Earl of Warwick's daughter, Lady Felice, but he was of too low a standing. So the Earl knighted him, but she was like, yeah, you kind of need to prove yourself. So he goes off a knighting, slays dragons, boars, Germans.
Starting point is 00:13:03 And in today's story, a big cow. Oh, and also, if you go to Warwick Castle, they've got his sword, fork, porridge pot, which is like this massive cauldron. How much porridge does one guy need? He liked his porridge. You're telling me? Look at the size of that pot.
Starting point is 00:13:20 No wonder he had the slow release energy he needed to fight a cow. A big cow. A big cow. A big cow. Straight over dragons to go for the cow. I can see your mind working there, James. You're like, I still won't be impressed with the dragon. No, you want to hear about a big cow. A big cow.
Starting point is 00:13:37 There's a narwhal's tusk at Warwick Castle as well. And that was said to have been the rib of the Dun Cow. It's a Dun Cow, by the way oh a classic dun cow this cow was six yards long and four yards high i don't really know how long a yard is but i'm i'm guessing from your tone of voice that it's large it's a bit bigger than a ups delivery truck wow and the same color brown It's a big brown cow. Yeah. And it was a savage beast when it comes into this story, roaming Dunsmore Heath, which is where it gets
Starting point is 00:14:12 the name, Dunsmore Heath, because there was the Dun cow was there and it was more than another cow, I guess. I'm not convinced at all by that explanation of the origin of the name, but please continue. Or it was just the moor area. I just want to give you a little bit of backstory
Starting point is 00:14:28 on the old Dun Cow. It sounds a little bit like the Derby Ram, but that was a ram. He also killed a boar. He'd kill anything if it was massive. Dun Cow, also known as the Tifmo. So it was a savage beast that roamed Dunsmore Heath, which is near Rugby in Warwickshire.
Starting point is 00:14:44 The origin story was that the cow belonged to a giant in Shropshire and its milk was inexhaustible. And people would come up, get the milk from the cow, go away. There'd always be enough milk for everyone. And then a witch came along with a sieve. Okay. And wanted to try to fill the sieve. And she just kept milking and milking and milking
Starting point is 00:15:07 until the cow was milked dry and then it flew into a rage and started roaming around it would terrify the neighboring places destroying the cattle hurting and killing many that went about to destroy her she was beyond the ordinary size of other cattle six yards in length four high with large sharp horns and fiery eyes of a dun color fiery brown eyes yeah that sounds like um i mean that sounds like a euphemism i'm not defending the killing of villagers let me say that up front go on but i understand why the cow would be angry after being milked dry by a witch with a sieve yes why why why would you do that because you're you're not getting the milk it's a sieve it's just it just sheer villainy the witch was there to wind up the cow yeah you are
Starting point is 00:16:01 just you are taking the mickey yeah you come to come to an inexhaustibly milky cow with a sieve yes what it reminds me of a time uh a buffy did a similar thing happen to you james yes you'd get your carton to take away like a you know your classic sort of metal takeaway carton yeah and these guys came in and they built up the sides of it using prawn toasts to increase the capacity of their lunch the literage to be honest they were on them in a flash
Starting point is 00:16:35 I think they'd seen this before it's prawn toast we've got a prawn toast situation swoop in they're trying to extend the sides to build up the sides they're builders, they know in they're trying to extend they're trying to extend the sides to build up the sides they're builders they know what they're doing but even then i believe those gentlemen wish to eat the extra i think they would have had it i think i wouldn't they wouldn't have wasted they would not have allowed to fall baron on the ground baron's not really the right word there but still there would not have been like that which no just sprinkling it away through a sieve yeah that's
Starting point is 00:17:11 true colander i've been visualizing a colander i have to admit yeah i've been it's been a colander for me as well i don't know that they had sieve technology in those days it's less of a leap than this for the seals realization of earlier but a colander to a service i get angry when the sieve is used as a colander by the way i've talked about i must have mentioned this before no i didn't know that about you oh it's wildly out of character they are two different items they may share a form and a few key touch points but they are different they're different tools for different jobs okay that's all i'm saying what what would you do what would you do if i drained some few some few silly in a sieve i would what's going to happen so this is the starch going to go up the little holes it
Starting point is 00:17:57 is actually very difficult to clean a sieve i yeah yep have you got any secrets no because you because you're your classic shake shaftack life hack for cleaning a whisk. Whisk the water. Yeah, whisk the water. You can't sieve water. It's the one thing that can't be sieved. No, I'd be like a witch trying to anger a cow. I hate cleaning a sieve.
Starting point is 00:18:16 I find myself stabbing at the sieve with the little brush head, hoping that the bristles prong through the holes, clearing them of any debris oh no i invert the sieve and just sort of rub it rub the back of it with my hand hoping that i'm pushing enough water into it you're doing nothing there yeah you're just caressing a sieve i've got no hack for a sieve if anyone's got any sieve cleaning hacks, please write in. Yeah, send them our way. Definitely.
Starting point is 00:18:48 I'll pass them off as my own at a later date. So that's where the cow came from. It was absolutely furious when it saw someone using a sieve to drain pasta. That is the dung cow's origin story, yes. Oh, by the way, the legend of the dung cow is unknown before the mention of it by dr caius in his book de rariorum animalium historia libellus the libellous history of animals sounds like it you you don't want to know what we claim these monkeys did and uh dr caius writes in his i don't know if
Starting point is 00:19:20 we should be repeating this libel in 1570 I met with the head of a certain huge animal of which the naked bone, with the bone supporting the horns, were of enormous weight and as much as a man could well lift. Of this kind, I saw another head at Warwick in the castle A.D. 1552. There is also the vertebrae of the neck of the same animal of such great size that its circumference is not less than three roman feet seven inches and a half i think also that the blade bone which is to be seen hung up in
Starting point is 00:19:51 chains from the north gate of coventry belongs to the same animal in the chapel of the great guy earl of warwick great guy guy's cliff there is hung up a rib of the same animal great guy great guy some of the common people fancy it to be the rib of a wild boar killed by Sagai. Some, the rib of a cow which haunted a ditch near Coventry and injured many persons. The last, I take it to be nearer the truth, since it may be the bone of Bonassus or Urus. Oh, sorry, Bonassus? Bonassus. I looked that up.
Starting point is 00:20:20 That is the European bison. Oh. And Urus, I looked that up. That's a type of lamborghini from 2009 right a bison in a car yeah deadly bison in the sports car yeah let's hope he doesn't seek his vengeance against man so do you want to hear how he killed it yes just to be clear those those bones are believed to be the bones of the big angry cow, the dun cow, by the common people. Yes.
Starting point is 00:20:48 But they might also be a bison in a sports car. Bison, sports car, narwhal. Narwhal, yeah, possibly a narwhal. The three major food groups. Yeah, all right, I'm on board. So an 18th century chap book tells the story thus just it's just a it's just a book for chaps i hope that isn't offensive to anyone but this is just for chaps now it's just for chaps it's just for chaps this is this guy of warwick it's not gal of warwick the king hearing
Starting point is 00:21:17 of the dreadful havoc this beast made offered knighthood to any that should overcome this done cow guy who was thought to be far beyond the sea privately arming himself with a strong battle axe Right. Oh. the carcasses of men and beasts she had destroyed guy no wit daunted at that pursued on his way till such time she espied guy staring with her dreadful eyes at him and roaring most hideously those the the fiery brown eyes yeah the. The, yes. Wow. I respect to him for arming himself privately. Yes. So the word didn't get, so the cow didn't get tipped off that someone was coming. They didn't do it in like a montage sequence.
Starting point is 00:22:19 Yeah, it was more of a chunk, chunk, battle axe. He bent his bow of steel and let fly an arrow, which rebounded from her hide as if it had been shot against a brazen wall. Wow. She, enraged, ran as swift as the wind at him, who, seeing his arrows of no effect, had prepared with his battleaxe to receive her, which he did with such a blow upon her head as to make her recoil. But she, recovering, more enraged at such treatment ran full tilt with her sharp horns at guy's breast which only dented his armor and made him stagger laying on many blows at last he hit her under the ear which was the only place that was penetrable where making a
Starting point is 00:23:00 deep wound the blood gushed out a mane he, following his blows in the same place, made so many gashes that with loud roaring she fell down and, weltering in a stream of blood, died. So I should have done a content warning there about killing a big cow with an axe. Yeah, I mean, he's made killing a cow with an axe seem quite heroic. And maybe the cow had a chance of winning. We haven't time for it now, but there's also the time that Guy of Warwick beat a big Dane.
Starting point is 00:23:34 Giant. An actual Dane, not a great Dane. Not a great Dane, no. One of the worst. Wow. With the help of a friendly crow. A Danish person. Yes.
Starting point is 00:23:43 A giant called Colbrand. This is at the time when the Danes were rife in England. Yeah, as we discussed a few weeks ago, they were the baddies. They were regarded as the baddies at that time. What a violent and horrible story, James. Yeah, it's pretty grim. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:02 But at least he got knighted. No, he got to be knighted, and he married that woman, and then... It worked out nicely for him. Just for, like, a brief synopsis, the rest of his life, he felt really guilty for all the violence that he'd done and became a hermit. Mm.
Starting point is 00:24:15 And studied with St. Dubritius. Ooh. Dubritius, near Coventry. And then he was called out of retirement, I think, because of the big day. They called him out of retirement I think because because of the big day they called him out of retirement because he used to be the best yeah
Starting point is 00:24:28 is it the classic scene yes Guy of Warwick haven't heard that name in a long time I'm I'm bloke of Warwick
Starting point is 00:24:37 Guy of Warwick you mean or bloke of Warwick okay one last case but I need a comedy sidekick. I need a friendly crow that is going to fly around the giant's head. And as it says in this version, help to confuse it, which implies that Guy himself was also doing some confusion in this battle.
Starting point is 00:25:00 Perhaps going, what crow? What are you on about? What are you on about, mate? There's no crow here. But yes yes so he defeated that and then he went back and became a hermit again and he used to beg arms at his ex-wife well not ex-wife his wife's door and she never recognized him oh and then i think one day he gave her his ring and she recognized him and then he went home and died. Wow, that's... I mean, guys, learn to express yourselves. Yeah, that really... And it isn't just people called
Starting point is 00:25:30 Guy that that applies to. No, but there's definitely this guy. Yeah, we've got to start opening up Guy to Guy. Maybe this should just be a podcast just for people called Guy who are oppressed. Talk to your friends. Maybe Crow. A a crow.
Starting point is 00:25:46 A helpful crow. Yeah, the friendly crow. Well, would you score it? Well, yeah, I would. I mean, you asked in a weird way, but yes. Yeah, I'd score it. All right, let's go. First cat.
Starting point is 00:25:58 What's the first category? Names. Names. Guy of Warwick. Hilariously generic. Yes. This guy. This guy. Get a load of Guy of Warwick yeah great j harvey bloom j harvey bloom it sounds like he assassinated an american president
Starting point is 00:26:12 great name the author of folklore old customs and superstitions in shakespeare land yeah shakespeare land great name and shakespeare's garden i'm sure i've said this on the podcast before but i would really love if there were a theme park called Barbara Cartland sure I've said it before but I just think it'd be great yes riding around in carts Bevis of Hampton
Starting point is 00:26:33 yep The Horned Child or King Horn I forgot about The Horned Child slash King Horn yes have a look
Starting point is 00:26:38 The Dane great names they're all bangers James yeah come on it's five out of five yes next category Supernatural then oh wow okay I might have They're all bangers, James. Yeah, come on. It's five out of five. Yes. Next category. Supernatural, then.
Starting point is 00:26:47 Oh, wow. Okay, I might have concluded that a very large cow was produced by natural means. When a mummy, very large cow, and a daddy, very large cow, love each other very much? Yep. When they did, they might produce a very large offspring. However, we know this cow was in the possession of a giant and we know the anger of this cow was caused by a witch so that's two supernatural entities i mean there's a later giant as well giant dane yes i've got some big dane
Starting point is 00:27:17 energy i don't think i want to claim a friendly crow to be supernatural because i'd i'd like to believe that they perhaps they crow among us i'd love to be pals with a crow so i don't want that admitted as supernatural evidence okay okay in that case i'm afraid i think it's a three because we've got we've got a supernatural cow a supernatural witch and a supernatural giant and an ordinary crow best friend yes who's a fun sidekick who who does wise cracks a humdrum crow chum yeah say things like wow flood of my feathers oh what a guy the crow okay then so third category it's no animals were harmed in the making of this folklore uh okay, okay. Bold choice of a category. Perhaps.
Starting point is 00:28:06 Some animals were harmed. I put it to you that one animal was very badly harmed. Yeah. At least. Almost a Great Dane. And any cows or horses that had nibbled on Stinking Willie. Yeah, they're gone. They're gone.
Starting point is 00:28:21 And in terms of the bones that are hanging up, we've got loads. We've got multiple potential boars and narwhals dead. And some dragons. Miscellaneous dragons. Dragons didn't even get mentioned, but they're dead. Yeah. In fact, the crow sidekick is the only character to come out of this unscathed.
Starting point is 00:28:39 Yeah. Good on him. So are you revising this category to some animals were harmed? Some animals. Most animals were hurt during the making of this folklore. That's annoying because by choosing a category, which is slightly irritatingly vague, you've forced me to give you a high score.
Starting point is 00:28:56 I have to give you five out of five for most animals. Because if you'd gone with animals were harmed, I could have given you a four. Because of the animals. But for most animals were harmed. Yes. It was a five you've you've gamed the system shakeshaft yes okay final category then let's just talk it out guys yeah guy come on come on guys come on guy guy yeah little folk come on open. Let's open up. Yeah. Don't express your emotions with violence to, as mentioned, dragons, boars, cows, Germans or Danes.
Starting point is 00:29:32 If you are a cow who's being milked by a sarcastic witch. Yes. There are ways of dealing with that using our words. Yes. Tell a grown-up or a teacher. Or the giant that owns you. Or the giant that owns you or the giant that owes you say she's got a sieve mate you can say excuse me stop milking me into that sieve it's a sieve she's taking the mickey or a colander a colander's no better yeah don't bottle that anger up until
Starting point is 00:30:00 you swell to an even larger size and then take it out on the people of Warwick. And go on a rampage, a big cow rampage. Don't rampage in Warwick. Yeah. And that's a great, great category, James. I also think it's a really important message. I think so too, actually. It is a really important message.
Starting point is 00:30:17 To humans and big cows alike. My score for it, though, is going to be two because I think that's going to really annoy you. I just want to see how you deal with that situation think of it as me coming in and milking you with a sieve i'm just gonna bottle it up yeah i'm gonna go on a rampage two a two for us for that category you worked so hard on there it is one two i might even make it a one you'll swell up to the size of a transit van i mean james you already are the size of a giant James Shakespeare. Exactly. And it's all rage inside. Yeah, well, I'm going to take that too,
Starting point is 00:30:55 and I am going to bottle it right up until one day I go on a rampage around Warwick. Get it right down there, James. James, is something wrong? Fine. No, fine. Okay. There's a little addendum. So the bit where I got the stuff about him blanking his wife for years.
Starting point is 00:31:10 Yeah. I got from a dictionary of British folk tales compiled by Catherine M. Briggs. There's a little bit of, sorry to be terribly well read, there's a little bit of the odyssey in that. The husband comes back and isn't recognised by his wife. I have to say that otherwise the listener will be thinking, this is a little bit like the Odyssey. Have these people never read a flipping book?
Starting point is 00:31:33 Yes. It's like people didn't watch an 80s cartoon. Does that happen? I've not got to the end of Ulysses 31. The one episode I had that my nan had recorded for me on VHS was the episode where they go back to ancient Greece and he takes the place and fires the arrow through the things and whatnot. Yes, yeah. To impress his wife.
Starting point is 00:31:59 Persephone. Persephone. I know it's pronounced Persephone. Just trying to irritate well-read listeners. But the reason I bring that up is because the way Catherine M. Briggs compiles the tales, at the end, she lists the various motifs. Very nice. That are within the story.
Starting point is 00:32:18 So you can kind of cross-reference them with other ones. These include decision of victory by single combat between army leaders, husband abandons wife to become ascetic, forgotten wife gives food to beggar, identification by ring, and helpful crow. The classic category of helpful crow. Yeah, I mean, I'll be looking up all the rest of them.
Starting point is 00:32:39 Wonderful. I look forward to more helpful Crow stories What a guy What a guy he was What a guy So yeah, that was Guy of Warwick Good story, nice little tale I'm sure we'll hear more about them another time But in the meantime What would the listener do if they wanted to hear more about other things?
Starting point is 00:33:09 I imagine they'd fall into a state of panic, James. They could call their butler to bring the internet to them on a salver. Yes. And log on to patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. Wherein lie bonus episodes. Yes. And other goodies. And access to the Lawfolk Discord.
Starting point is 00:33:28 Lawfolk Discord. Check with other lawfolk. Yes, I do that. A lot of corny lines because they like corn. Yes, they do.

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