Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep14: Loremen S5Ep14 - 2023 Almanac Part 1

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

What a year! James and Alasdair are counting down the top 14 (fourteen) episodes of 2023 (twenty twenty-three). This is only part one, so prepare yourself for eight of our highlights from last year. (Yes, it would have made more sense to do seven, but we got carried away.) If you don't want to know the results, look away now... 14: The Spitting Ghost of Haddon Hall 13: Denizens of Another World 12: The Vampyre with Sacha Coward 11: The Devil's Hoofprints 10: The Queen Rat with Tom Mayhew 09: The Flaming Head of Norton Mill 08: The Denham Tracts 07: Kelpies of Kintyre There's also a cameo from Geordie Samuel L. Jackson. LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, it's that time of year again. It's Happy New Year time again. It's happy... Again! Again!

Yeah, doing it again! It's going to be Plough Monday any second. What's Pl New Year time again. It's happy. Again. Again. Doing it again. It's going to be Plough Monday any second. What's Plough Monday? Don't know. It's one of the first Mondays of the year. They take the plough into church and pray for it. They don't.

You're just making stuff up now. They don't do. They don't. But it's our tradition to do an almanac looking back at the best ofs of the year so let's do that okay go on i'm sorry that sounded a bit aggressive go on then so alistair what i've done is i've compiled a list of episodes that made the Law Folk Discord subcategory bests of 2023. Oh, wow. And then I asked the law...

Quite an accolade. Wow. I don't know if the listener is appreciating the gravity and seriousness of this. Wow. And I did more. I then got all the law folk to vote on their top five episodes of the year.

And I've collated all that data in a spreadsheet. Yeah. Yeah. That's how we normally say that word. Good. Yep. In a spreadsheet. And I've got the top 14 episodes of the year, of course.

And we're going to count them down. So this is basically science. Yes. It is a form of science so what i've got here i've got the top 14 episodes of the last 12 months nice round number 14 just a classic countdown number yeah of course 14 it's as in as in it was a top 14 hit yes in the lawman 2023 almanac part one we are of course going to be counting down from 14 to 7 that's just so satisfying that's just so neat and satisfying great well what was the 14th best moment of the year

let me ask the question that's on everyone's lips it was the spitting ghost of haddon hall oh that disgusting ghost that was only like three episodes ago. Yeah, 14th of December. We're putting it back on already. Now this is basically a cheat, this whole premise. This is outrageous. Well, it featured, your friend and mine, a brand new character, Geordie Samuel L. Jackson. Of course it was Geordie Samuel L. Jackson. Well, you can hear what he got up to here.

And also a welcome return for Harry H. Corbett playing David Bowie reading a Victoria Man's poem. To be honest, it's more inspired by it because I saw a little bit of poetical writing that he did and it turns out the place he was referring to also has a bunch of ghost stories. Oh, very nice.

And the place he was referring to was Haddon Hall. So is that in the Peak District? This particular Haddon Hall that I'm referring to is in Bakewell, yes. I'm not referring to the Haddon Hall in Beckenham, where David Bowie wrote Hunky Dory, sadly now demolished. You must have been a little disappointed when you found out those were different Haddon Halls. Yes, I was a little disappointed.

But I had a look at loads of pictures of Bowie in this house and that buoyed my spirits again. Oh, good. Oh, that's nice. In the North East, Haddon means hold on. Haddon. Like wait. Like, uh, Haddon. Oh, yeah. Or Haddon. If someone's getting ahead of you, you might say, Haddon, Haddon. Okay. Not like, hold on to your hats or hold on to your butts. Yeah, you could say that. You could say that, yeah. I don't know if you would say that, but you could. If Jurassic Park had hired a Geordie instead of Samuel L. Jackson. Had on to your butts.

That was Geordie Samuel L. Jackson there, a new character for the podcast. There's so much distance in Geordie Samuel L. Jackson. Here, give us one wallet. I'm not getting on no plane with no snakes or something. I haven't seen. That's Mr. T. No snakes on a plane.

I know it's snakes on a plane, but I'm pretty certain I'm not getting on a plane with Mr. T. I don't think he's... He's definitely on the plane. Oh, he's already on the plane. Yeah, he wasn't told there were snakes on the plane beforehand. That's why he's so annoyed. The whole film falls apart, James,

if they know in advance that there's snakes on the plane. There will be some snakes on this plane. We're experiencing some snakes. What does he say then? I know he did a big swear and we're avoiding the swears. I think he says, I'm sick of these flipping snakes on this blooming plane, I think is the line.

Do you ever want any more snakes on this plane? Is that offensive to Geordies and Samuel L. Jackson? If I see one more snake, it's deeply offensive to Samuel L. Jackson, so I don't think it's offensive to Geordies. It's complimentary to Geordies. AK-47, when that absolutely has to kill every fella in the room. I needed a radio-friendly Geordie equivalent to Melon Farmer.

But no, none of that. No, not that. Okay. None of that. Haddon Hall is near the river. Why? Because that's the bank it's next to. Do you want to hear the bit that inspired me to look it up?

If you can face reading a little bit of poetry. As you and regular listeners will know, I'm not a fan of poetry. I'm going to undermine it slightly. But this is quite good. It's not a poem poem. It doesn't rhyme and stuff. Right, okay. It's just like quite nice writing, which I think is the happy medium between poem and story.

So I'm going to read it in the style of David Bowie. happy medium between poem and story. So I'm going to read it in the style of David Bowie. And as regular listeners and yourself will know, that is in the style of Harry H. Corbett playing David Bowie in an ill-fated biopic that was sadly never made. This noble family left Haddon Hall for Belvoir Castle about 150 years ago. And now the council board, where the mighty chieftain sat, is deserted. The minstrel's song, the merry laugh, the shouts of mirth and revelry, no more are heard. Silence

now pervades this once joyous place. All is hushed as the broken minstrel, silent as the grave. Time, the ever-rolling stream of time, washes all the way before it. The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, eventually perish before its overwhelming flood. Look here, proud, arrogant man, read in this fast-perishing mansion the transitory duration of earthly stability. Wow!

The paranormal activity of Haddon Hall is neither well documented nor encouraged, yet there is definitely something that even the sceptics can't fail to notice. Ooh. And so when she says it's not encouraged, she means the people in charge of it are discouraging the ghosts? I guess so. Or at least not encouraging the ghosts. What's the opposite of a Ouija board?

Well, Ouija is yes in German and French. So it would be a non-nine board. Yeah. Yes, a non-nine board would be the... The non-nine board. The opposite. It would be the quite literal opposite of a Ouija board. And is it just no?

Just one? A planchette and a board just has the word no. Not for me, thanks. I suppose it would be for the ghosts to contact you. And when the ghosts say, are you there? You'd have to be like, no. Leave a message. To somebody sent there,

I think our impressions are limited by not being able to do good Geordie accents and not being able to remember any lines from Samuel L. Jackson's films. But apart from that, I have no criticism. I have looked up his big famous speech from Pulp Fiction. And it's got the- Is there any of that that we can put out on the podcast?

I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempted poison and destroy me brothers. Okay, yeah. When I lay my vengeance upon me. You would see a Maris, I think.

Would he? Those who attempt to poison and destroy me Maris. But now it sounds like he's guarding a vegetable patch. Maybe that's what

Geordie Samuel L. Jackson's all about. That's what's in the briefcase in Geordie Pulp Fiction. It's not a snake. It's a courgette. Yes, which is they're all the same, right, courgettes and marrows, just different sizes.

Aren't they? I think so. I think they're a sliding scale. That's not exactly a life hack, but that's more of a fact hack, if true. Is a marrow just a big courgette? Yeah, or a courgette is just a small marrow. Well, of course, a courgette does imply the existence of a courge. And as I say that, it feels like we've discussed this already.

It feels like ground we have trodden upon before. Well, that segues us excellently onto the next recap of the year. Numero 13. Yes, from the 9th of February, so early on in the year, and it was from a live stream, no less, Series 4, Episode 32, Denizens of Another World. Ooh. so early on in the year and it was from a live stream no less series 4 episode 32

Denizens of Another World which was a book that I'd found through being referenced I think in a Betty Puttick the Betty Puttick Betty Puttick

it turned out to be an entire work of fiction about an alien encounter in the Victorian times. But nobody could have guessed that. So he

decided, I'm going to go and see what happened up there on that hill. I know where those trees are. I'm going to go there. Puts his boots on, gets his stick. He goes out for a walk and he's poking around the area. There's no scorching on the grass as you might expect from some sort of flaming thing coming down to the ground he's poking around there's nothing there there's nothing ahem then came the discovery without which i should never

have set pen to paper this day though in the first instant i thought little of what i now saw which was no more than a movement in the low, bushy growths nearby. Bushes. Yes. Bushes to you and me, James. Bushy growths. Low, bushy growths. What were they?

Small bushes. Some manner of bush, I would say. Reader, what does a stirring in the undergrowth signify to you? All right. Saucy. Mm-hmm. A bird hopping to or from its hidden nest? A fox or badger creeping furtively from its earth?

I was curious. Still I peered close. Saw only a shifting of leaves which rustled. Incontinently I thrust my stick into the foliage, thinking that perhaps this animal might be goaded into showing itself. Imagine my astonishment when the steel ferrule struck. Was it stone? No, metal.

Some improvident farmer then had tossed out an old plough rather than have it mended. But again, no. This guy's internal monologue is just a rollercoaster of and then I saw an alien. Oh no, probably just a badger wearing shoes. Oh. But I poked it with my stick and it was definitely an alien.

No, probably just a horseshoe. Have you already read this? Because I do confess to one wild thought of an armour-clad fox. An armour-clad fox? I think it just said labyrinth. It is no easy matter to describe what I saw. A thing at whose sight a fresh access of awe and wonder held me rooted to the spot

David also um postulates that the images shown to him the three images were the three images of himself and that this alien was trying to work out if he could recognize himself kind of thing and when he did it was like okay we're going to try and communicate gave him loads of maths basically they were mathematically significant numbers. Something about a Pascal triangle, a Fibonacci sequence. These all sound like delicious puddings. A representation of the solar system. It tries to sort of show him that he's planet number three

in this representation of the solar system. And all these images, like, they, other things, like, represent atoms that sort of correspond to Schrodinger's wave equation, which wouldn't be formulated for another 50 years. If they'd have showed him a woodwork-based thing, he would have been all over it. Yeah, they're just trying to diagram the difference between being a carpenter and being a joiner.

You know the things on the Pioneer and the Voyager spacecraft? Yeah, got a couple of naked people. and being a joiner. You know the things on, like, the Pioneer and the Voyager? Yeah. Spacecraft. Got a couple of naked people. The embarrassed guy going, hi, I've forgotten my trousers. And then just some Wagner, probably, and an Elvis track or something. I don't know what's on there.

Well, on Voyager, it's got Johnny B. Goode. It's got Johnny B. Goode. It has. Just to sort of suggest that the human race generally tries to achieve virtuous behaviour. Goodness, we're good. Or at least Johnny was exalted to be good.

Yeah. And hopefully underneath there's a little plaque that says, maybe you extraterrestrials aren't ready for that yet, but your kid's going to love it. It's also got a song by Blind willie johnson blind willie johnson yeah the blues singer yeah i don't know about the existence of a blind willie johnson is he one-eyed willie's less fortunate brother there are multiple blind willies what's which blind willie johnson song is this i don't know i'm afraid but in the land of blind willies, the one-eyed willy is king.

That's a Goonies reference there. That's a twofer. There you've got. Alistair, what was the number 12? It was from early in the year. Sorry, I thought you were asking me for a minute there and I realised you're going to tell me. It's fine. I got stressed.

I know the answer. It was the vampire. Yes, with Sasha Coward. It was Sasha Coward's The Vampire. Yes, with Sasha Coward. It was Sasha Coward's The Vampire. Now, James. Yes. Is this a sort of serious one where someone actually makes a good point, which happens occasionally when you and me have the control wrestled from our hands

and someone says something intelligible? Yes. As voted for and mentioned by the law folk in the law folk discord, and mentioned by the law folk in the law folk discord, Sasha has a really beautiful speech about reclaiming queer monsters as part of queer history. Well, just, I mean... Probably better if he said it, James. Yeah, I reckon.

Do you want to do it? Can I do it as a Geordie Samuel L. Jackson? No, quick, play the tape, play the tape. Yeah, let's play the tape. I've got a copy of The Lesser Keys of Solomon which is like this text which is basically the Pokemon of demons how to catch them all

and Alistair Crowley has written his own introduction that's completely unintelligible but very fun and in the margins he's drawn his own little demons and they all have massive willies like literally every single one even when the description does not say that they're pre-apic and have massive willies, like literally every single one, even when the description does not say that they're pre-epic and have big willies.

No, Alistair's drawn like a great big horn guy, and they're all kind of like winking or like sort of – it's great. I love it. We had textbooks like that in school, though it was not The Lesser Key of Solomon, but it was avantage. Tricolore. Tricolore, yeah.

And the German textbook where they foolishly made the main character a sausage. Unbelievable. You're asking for trouble there. Come on. Do you remember at school you'd have like a textbook and someone would write on one page, turn to page 45, and then turn to page 20, and you'd be going backwards and forwards, and then it would always be a willy at the end.

Yes, it's the Alistair Crowley escape room, but in book form. In a book, yeah. We do remember that, and I'm confident every single listener to the podcast was a fan of those weird sort of... My favourite of those was someone, some wag at our school did like a classic, like on page 23 it said turn to page 45 page 45 it said turn to page 23 or they've got you you're in an infinite loop oh there's probably some kid that's still there

so that is the story of the vampire. Thank you. So one of the things that I guess the common theme here is that in drawing a parallel between the perception of vampires and perceptions of queer people, there's an obvious negative bent there. So how do you feel about that? I think it's there already anyway. about that um i think it's there already anyway so uh if we look at the way the vampire has been portrayed so during like the haze code um which was the restrictive code for hollywood which basically meant you couldn't depict anything that was deemed immoral which include people like me well i mean we are deeply immoral but you know you should still depict us it's their representation but but because of that the way that people would get around it was by showing uh queerness as the monster or the serial killer which is why we get

the trope of dracula having such a you know a swish and flick and there is a flourish and because of that i feel that explaining why that is and taking some ownership and taking some strength in that is way better than just like pretending it's not there and i think that if you know and you know i'm sure you've got tons of lgbt friends and listeners um we actually really love those labels we've reclaimed them or many of us have uh you go to a pride parade you are going to see fairies unicorns mermaids vampires devils demogorgons you name it we we sort of know how society has historically seen us so what i'm trying to do in the book is kind of say hey you're not just borrowing these weird labels you haven't gone to like a halloween fancy dress shop and you're trying something on uh because you're a weirdo you actually helped craft these you're part of the story of why we have these amazing monsters like

you're not just going oh these are camp and fabulous let's use them for a bit it's it's a lot deeper and to understand the story of the vampire it tells you the story of people like us throughout history how we were treated and seen. So I find it empowering. I would rather reclaim the monster than shove it back in the closet. That's right. What a good ending there. I feel like we want to cut straight to credits,

but unfortunately that's not how this podcast works. We need a music sting there. Good points. Well made. Yep. Yep. Good. We well made. Yep, yep, good. We haven't really got anything to add to that? No. Apart from number 11. Apart from number 11. So that was really good, really important,

but there are 11 bits that were better than it. Sorry, sorry for the serious bit, that's past. Now we're talking about a kangaroo. Yeah, the Devil's Hoof Prince from the 16th of March, Series 4, Episode 36. A particular highlight for people was the, to date, longest category title.

Mm-hmm. For now. For now. Let's see what 2024 brings. Yes. I was very confused by the donkey one, frankly. I don't know why you said all that. What donkey one?

The Desolation Island donkey. What was it? It was that similar hoof prints were found without an animal attached to them very far away, which is why Robert Gould thinks it might be something that came out of the sea. Right. It implies that it might have been. He's not be something that came out of the sea. Right.

Well, implies that it might have been. He's not really nailing his colours to the mast. I got confused. I thought it was a desolation donkey. Desolation donkey. Desolation, which is the name of my forthcoming EP. There's no explanation for this. Alistair, it's five out of five.

Great. Thank you. Thank you. I'm trying to think of other names you went through before coming up with Desolation Donkey. Bereft Ass. Sad Mule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My final category, and I appreciate the scores have been high so far, so I'm a little nervous because I think you're going to want to take me down a peg or two, but I've put my heart into it.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making people think he was a kangaroo, a cartwheeling octopus, 400 Romani travellers on stilts, a donkey from an island in the distance, or a prankster in a wheel. A rat prankster. Or an orangutan with leaves in its mouth.

That is the full title of the category. That is the greatest trick the devil ever pulled. Good luck to anyone who keeps a spreadsheet of these, fitting that into the cell. Well, they have it. Longest yet. It was unarguably a long title. It went on and on and on as if it were tracks made by the devil across Devon or wherever it was.

Very good, yes. It went on for 100 miles continuously, but we didn't check. In at number 10, it is Series 4, Episode 52, The Queen Rat with Tom Mayhew. Yes, and Jack Black. Not the Hollywood celebrity Jack Black, but the Victorian ratter Jack Black. I thought you were going to say rapper. Of course, this is the episode that gave us the phrase that we all now just take for granted and use every day. Yes.

Sparrows is the rats of birds. Sparrows is rats of birds. I mean, they are, really. They are when you think about it, yeah. What are pigeons, then? Did we ask? We might have asked this at the time. Let's find out.

Let's find out, because I genuinely can't remember. I'd like to tell you, James, about one of the people who Henry Mayhew interviews, and that is no less than Queen Victoria's rat catcher. What? The Queen Victoria's Ratcatcher. What? The Queen Victoria's The Ratcatcher. What? His name was Jack Black.

What? Yeah. Television's Jack Black. Hollywood's Jack Black was... Yeah, exactly. That Jack Black off of Tenacious D was also Queen Victoria's rat catcher. Was he any good? Was he any good, Jack?

He was Queen Victoria's rat catcher. Nuff said. Does that mean he was also Jack the Ripper or something? I really hope not. A voice boy at the end. No, I've warmed to him so much. If he turns out to be Jack the Ripper, I'm going to be devastated.

Because he is called Jack. If you could pass me that red string. Yes, hold on. I'll pull some down from Jack Black, the singer. You've just put a picture of Jack Black, the singer. Who turns out he's unrelated. Yeah. How many Jacks have you got on this pinboard?

I've got Jack Black. I've got Jack White for the set. Those are the only Jacks, generally the only Jacks. Jack Nicholson. Jack in a box. I've got a Jack in a box, yes. Carjack. Yeah, there's a carjack there.

That was a drunk Amazon purchase. I'm not saying these are likely, but once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, James. Even if it's a carjack. No matter how improbable. Even if it's a carjack, it must be Jack the Ripper.

He had, unbeknownst to his wife, tasted what cooked rats were like. Oh, OK. And he asserted that they were as moist as rabbits and quite as nice. If they are sure rats, he continued, just chase them for two or three days before you kill them and they are as good as barn rats.

I'll give you my word, sir. Chase them? Yeah, chase them for two or three days before you kill them, and they are as good as barn rats. I'll give you my word, sir. Chase them? Yeah, chase them. For two days? James, simply chase the rats for two or three days until they have sweated out the poo, basically, I think. They've got a lot of sewer in their system. Yeah, that's the implication.

Yeah. You want to just sweat it out of them. Where are you chasing them? A circuit, I would hope That's a good point You started at the end of two or three days You want to plot a circular route You don't want to be like, oh, I've finally got my rat

My now extremely lean rat But I'm three days chase from home Can I just check? Did you say this guy had a wife? Yeah, he had a wife How? And that's his main hobby. I was inclined, like the inhabitants of Battersea, to be incredulous of the rat catcher's hand fishing until, under a promise of secrecy, he confided his process to me.

And then, not only was I perfectly convinced of its truth, but startled that so simple a method had never before been taken advantage of. truth but startled that so simple a method had never before been taken advantage of. And what was that method? Did you just sort of grab him? Grabbing him, I think, yeah. It doesn't say in the book because obviously he's sworn

to secrecy. But even the description of the method was so convincing that he believed it. So it must be pretty, it must be slightly better than just grab him. Just grab him. They're eels, they're massive. Grab him must be pretty, it must be slightly better than just, pfft, grab them. Just grab them. They're eels, they're massive. Grab them. I mean, that's one thing, because Jack Black, he's described on Wikipedia

as a rat catcher and also a mole destroyer. A mole destroyer. Was that another sideline? Yeah, he doesn't mention it at all in the interview, as far as I can tell. But it's a lot easier to kill moles, I think, sadly. It sounds like he's taking them down mentally as well.

Like he's not just killing them, he's breaking them. Well, let's just move swiftly on to number nine, shall we? Number nine. 24th of August. I think there might have been a heat wave at this time, so we've gone a little bit. So this is The Flaming head of Norton Mill, series four, episode 57.

This was a great story. I think I'd found this in a Christ in a Hole, it's Christina Hole book, and I was going to recommend it to you, but then you brought it to the table yourself on a flaming platter underneath a hot cloche. And all I remember from it is yet another excellent catchphrase. Goodnight, gentlemen! Goodnight!

Goodnight! This, of course, was a flaming head of Norton Mill played by Chris Cantrell. The accounts I'm drawing from are Bob Woodhouse, the historian, talking to the Teesside Gazette and the book Haunted Hartlepool by none other than the scrutiniser himself,

Paul Screton. The scrutiniser. A welcome return for the scrutiniser. The triumphant return of the scrutiniser. Oh. And I have to say, no criticism on Bob Woodhouse, but Paul Screton's version of it is a bit less showy oh he showed a little bit more scrutiny i think nice and uh it's a it's a little bit more toned

down but this is a an amalgamation of their two accounts of the story of norton's mill so in the late 19th century the miller mr thr Mr. Thrattles... Right. ...was talking to his neighbour, Mr. Benson. It was a happy day. In fact, it was the day of Mr. Thrattles' daughter's wedding. Oh. Is he a Marlon Brando-esque figure? Mercifully, he's not a godfather.

Good. But Mr. Benson did come to him on the day of his daughter's wedding. You come to my mill. It's a Durham accent. It's near Stockton-on-Tees. Oh, well, that narrows it down for me. I'll just adjust my larynx. So we're looking for Marlon Brando from Stockton-on-Tees. Oh, you come to my mill on the day of my daughter's wedding.

I mean, you don't realise how accurate this is for a region. Can you ask me for a spectre? Once again, it's Chris Cantrell. It's Chris Cantrell. He spans all regions. He also goes method in his acting. He does. And he didn't wear trousers in Superman.

Is that right? No, he did wear trousers in Superman. Marlon And he didn't wear trousers in Superman. Yeah. Is that right? No, he did wear trousers in Superman. Marlon Brando didn't wear trousers. In one of his last films, he didn't want to be shot from the waist down, so he refused to wear trousers. Right, okay. So they wouldn't film his legs.

I've seen Cantrell not wearing trousers, but everyone was still looking. Well, you'd be aghast. Yeah. He forgot he wasn't being filmed. It was on stage. Yeah, you can't really stop people looking if you're on stage. He did read his lines off the back of a baby.

Of a baby. Is that how Marlon Brando, instead of learning his lines, he had his lines written on babies? At some point, it's going to be hard to get babies into the scene, isn't it? At some point. What if it's a long to get babies into the scene, isn't it? At some point. What if it's a long speech? Just passing baby after baby past him. It's unrealistic.

So it was Thrattle's daughter's wedding day. And he was talking to Mr. Benson when a black spectre came rushing towards them with eyes, nose, and I believe ears dripping flames. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, it rushed towards them. It swept past them at great speed. And as it did so, it uttered the chilling catchphrase for which this spectre was known. Good night, gentlemen.

And then he was off. He was gone. Either good night, gentlemen, or just goodnight. Goodnight? Goodnight! I said goodnight, sir. I think he said it really sarcastically. My understanding is it was a mini-mocking.

Goodnight! He doesn't actually wish you a goodnight. Whilst flames are dripping out of all its face holes. Goodnight! Meow! That wasn't the last time it appeared, even during the wedding. Flames are dripping out of all its face holes. Good night. Meow. That wasn't the last time it appeared, even during the wedding. They all calmed down a little bit. Did you see that?

It was like, don't talk about it. It's a wedding. Don't spoil the wedding by talking about the demon with the flames coming out of its face holes. And they all sat down. They ate. They played cards. And it happened again.

It rose up from the floor. And we can only assume, again, said his catchphrase, good night. Eventually, Mr. Throttle had no choice but to tell the story of previous occupant of the mill, poor Miller Gossack. Miller Gossack. Flashback a year. It's 1879. It's Christmas.

Poor Miller Gossack, at this time known as Miller Gossack. He was the miller and his son was a doctor, which is good. Sort of good. Oh. His son was a doctor, but also a bit of a prankster. Oh, no. Did he set light to all his face holes? I can see why you thought that, James.

What he did was he brought back a skeleton. Cool. A full, complete human skeleton, wired and jointed. Wouldn't have been a plastic version? No, I believe it was real. Okay. Because it was 1879 and he was a doctor. Yeah.

And you could just be like, can I take that home for Christmas, like the hamster in school, to look after? They were like, yeah, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, just take it. But don't play pranks with it. We've counted the bones. James, he played a prank with it.

Oh, dear. He hid it either somewhere in the mill or specifically in the linen closet. Right. And waited for the housemaid to find it. She opened the door of the closet, and according to Bob Woodhouse, somehow the hand of the skeleton had become caught on the door

and grabbed her around the throat. Okay. Now, let's be clear, that didn't happen. No. Sorry, Bob. It did not grab her by the throat. No, at best an accidental headlock. It might have flopped onto her with a sort of a xylophone sound effect.

But it's not the skeletons from a Fleischer cartoon. It's not the skeletons from a Fleischer cartoon. It didn't fold over itself and then play its bones. Didn't happen. More's the pity. What did happen that we'd be pretty confident of is that the serving girl saw the skeleton and immediately died. Oh. oh well she either went mad and

died or fell into a coma and was sent to sheffield asylum either way really really bad that is i don't wish to mock her but i would like to say that nowadays people on the internet, when they see a good TikTok and say, like, hashtag dead, you don't know the half of it. No, because they're not texting from beyond the grave. No. There you have it. Spooky. So what's number eight then?

It's from the 6th of April, and it's The Denim Tracts, series four, episode 39. This was an ABK special, right? All I've got in my notes is the phrase, brinkie my nutty cock. And I don't know why either. It was also recommended because it features your King Arthur spaceship theory. Is that the King Arthur spaceship episode?

That was, yeah, I remember getting very excited about the idea that something was a spaceship, but that's all I can remember. It was King Arthur was a spaceship. That should be a film. Come on, make the King Arthur spaceship film. Come on. King Arthur's Spaceship, the movie. Don't make me brink you my nutty cock.

Do it. Can you use it as a threat? I don't know. I don't know. We'll find out, I guess. I'm going to play the clip. And I'm sure we will return to the denim tracks in a future episode because there's loads of stuff in there,

but I have selected some choice cuts. Double denim? We're going to have double denim at some point. Don't get to the... I have come up with those categories for the scores yet. Okay. Save it. I can't help or I'm thinking of the actor Denim Elliot. I am visualising Denim

Elliot, yes, even though, again, it's spelt differently. What's he wearing? Quintuple denim, which is a jacket, trousers, pants, a denim tie and hat. I've got a nursery rhyme for you, but I'm afraid it falls into a category that we occasionally touch upon in this podcast, which is things that aren't rude, but nonetheless, to the modern ear, and I know you have at least one of those, James.

I do. Sound rude. Oh. All right. But I don't want to get us cancelled. Okay. Also, I've no idea what any of this means.

So this is one of the nursery rhymes he collected. Brinky my nutty cock. Oh. Brink him away. My nutty nutty cock. Brink him away. My nutty cock's never been brinked today. What we're carding and spinning on't we'll, we've never

had time to brink nutty cock we'll. But let tomorrow come ever so soon, my nutty cock, it shall be brinked by noon. And he's saying this to kids? Yep, that's a nutty Come on, kids! Gather round and hear about this guy's nutty cock.

Let's get Brank in. Brank appears to be a verb. It's something that you can do to the nutty cock. I don't know what it is. But he's not had it branked well today. Yeah, he certainly hasn't, but tomorrow should be sorted by noon. I believe nutty cock is a term of endearment, according to the footnote.

Good. It had better not be a threat, yeah. Following the faith that the entrance to King Arthur's Hall was now discovered, he cleared the briary portal of its weeds and rubbish, and entering a vaulted passage followed in his darkling way the thread of his clue. The floor was

infested with toads and lizards, and the dark wings of bats, disturbed by his unhallowed intrusion, flitted fearfully about him. At length his sinking courage was strengthened by a dim distant light, which as he advanced grew gradually brighter, till at once he entered a vast and vaulted hall

in the centre of which a fire without fuel from a broad crevice in the floor blazed with a high and lambent flame, that showed all the carved walls and fretted roof and the monarch and his queen and court reposing around in a theatre of thrones and costly couches. It sounds a bit like an SES showroom. Yeah. On the floor beyond the fire lay the faithful and deep-toned pack of thirty couple of hounds. Is thirty couple sixty? I don't know.

No, I don't know. I've never heard the phrase. And on a table before it, the spell-dispelling horn, sword, and garter. The shepherd reverently but firmly grasped the sword, and as he drew it leisurely from its rusty scabbard, the eyes of the monarch and his courtiers began to open. It doesn't make that noise.

I've just added that. No, okay. And they rose till they sat upright. He cut the garter, and as the sword was being slowly sheathed, the spell assumed its ancient power, and they all gradually sank to rest, but not before the monarch had lifted up his eyes and hands and exclaimed, Oh, woe betide that evil day on which this witless wight was born,

who drew the sword, the garter cut, but never blew the bugle horn. It's only supposed to blow the bugle first and then the other things. You are supposed to do all of them. Oh, dear. But, James, now this is just my theory. Yes. Like, if you and I were adapting that, if we were making the movie of that, do you know what that sounds like to me?

I don't think that's King Arthur's Hall. I think that is a crashed alien spaceship that he went into. Because don't you think the crew, all in suspended animation, lit by a strange, you know, a heatless fire glowing, illuminating their expensive chairs. Yes. Yeah, it's a crashed spaceship. It is.

I assume when they opened their eyes, they were like, poong, glowing blue. Are you going down the Ulysses route? Yeah, all the bodies. Yeah, exactly. The way back home has been erased from my memory banks. They're kind of floating. Father. You're alive, my son.

Father. Vous êtes vivant. Anyway. You're alive, my son. Father. Vous êtes vivant. Anyway. Just we know. Le petit robot. Amé Ulysses. This is not the first time we have said all the words we can remember from Ulysses in both English and French on the podcast.

James, we've reached it. We have. Number seven. Yes. Which is the last one for this episode. From the 19th of October. Because of the obvious and normal way that we're structuring this. Number seven, the seventh best episode of the year.

Series five, episode five, The Kelpies of Kintyre. Another ABK special. Yeah, I prefer special, thank you. This featured... Well, I think it's a great bit of observational comedy that you too can try out whenever your nan forgets who Kurt Russell is. Or how would it work? Because the thing is, someone has to see someone and say, oh, is that that guy from The Thing?

And you go, no, that's Kurt Russell. So I guess it doesn't need to be Kurt Russell on screen. It can just simply be anyone. But they have to use that exact setup line for the joke to work. It's very much the endorse it of watching of telly. It's the guy from The Thing. No, you're thinking of Kurt Russell. And that boat was supposed to be sailing from Quebec to Antwerp,

but it had been abandoned by its crew with, I think, 700 tonnes of timber in the hold just because of a little bit of sinking. But it's got timber full of wood. It's got a lot of wood and wood floats. So the boat's still floating, but it is, let's be honest, currently sinking. It's taking on quite a lot of water. But 700 tonnes of timber, James.

Mm. There you know, oh, cha-ching. Mm. You can't just leave that in 46 degrees north, 34 degrees west just to sink. Mm. And also, I told you the ship was abandoned. It wasn't abandoned. It was abandoned apart from a cat.

Uh-oh. Who presumably was by default the captain. Yeah, Captain Cat. Captain Cat. And according to David, it has often happened that when a vessel has been abandoned by her crew, a live canary, hen or cat has been found on board, which has saved the vessel from being condemned as a derelict.

So apparently they deliberately left an animal there, sort of vaguely in charge, but with no real powers. Because it's a cat. Well, that's what the cats want you to think. They're actually just like mass murdering sailors. Yeah. Yeah, basically it was the Demeter, but the cat had eaten them too fast.

So they were barely out of Quebec before nobody left. It's the thing. It's the thing from the thing. It's the thing from the thing. That's not me not remembering something for once. That is a really easy film for people with bad memories. I think my nan must have been on about it all the time. A lot of actors she recognises from that film.

That's what's his name out of the thing. Yes, it is kurt russell oh well that's the end of this countdown uh before we go i'd like to make a couple of honorable mentions okay ding ding ding ding ding i'm knocking a glass james has got something to say everyone have you got actually got a champagne glass there no I'm tapping a cup with my finger okay I'll do that as well

all right bitch I would like to shout out the evil jester of Moncaster

Castle Moncaster Castle to pronounce that correctly yes great episode very good episode that was a live that we did

at the Bill Murray in London's Glitterous London. Yes. That was a lot of fun. It was more, it was just the idea that luck is the opposite

of a sausage. And we're not going to play the clip. You've got to go and find the episode if you want to work that out. To me, that's just a nonsensical

series of words. And you were there. That was from a live show. We're going to be doing some more live shows this year. We're going to be at Leicester Comedy Festival. Leicester, we are. Just Google it and find all the information. It's in February.

So Google it quick. Come on. Go to YouTube and Google it. Get you to a Googlery. And a final, final shout out. Sorry, you pronounce that the way you pronounce spreadsheet? Spreadsheet. Way back.

It was a classic. It was a Valentine special featuring our Valentine slash Wales correspondent, Jenny Collier. Flower maiden. The flower. Yeah, it was a good episode. It was lovely. She's going to be back soon because it is coming up to Valentine's again. We're brewing up a great story. So look forward to that.

And I think we're just going to play out with one of the, a little excerpt from one of the bonuses that you would get if you joined the Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash lawminpog Sorry, I shouldn't have talked over the bit where you were plugging the Patreon. It's alright, I can edit it out. Probably edit it out. Edit that out.

Patreon.com forward slash lawminpog so this is ill-fated spin-off podcast, Biscuitman. I don't remember that at all. Sounds great. This is good for me because it's just seeing all of this stuff with fresh eyes. It's like, oh, what a fun and interesting podcast that's exactly themed around my interests but I know nothing about. For me, it's a bit like

visiting a grandparent in a home. Do you remember? Remember this? But also, I probably should also be in a home because I'm saying,

do you remember there was a flaming head in a mill? Do you remember that? Do you remember what it said? Is that him from The Thing? No, that's Kurt Russell. I mean... Did you that him from The Thing? No, that's Kurt Russell. I mean...

Did you burst him through the door? No, it's Kurt Russell! It was a different elderly relative, not related to you, who said that, but you beat the door down. Fortunately, you had to join him. Well, join us next week

for the Countdown. Join us next week. Classic Countdown, 6-1. Yeah, the top six. Did us next week. Classic countdown, six to one. Yeah, the top six. Did-a-lid-a, did-a-lid-a. Oh, no, I mean, I've got business. Like, I've got a bit of business. Oh, a bit of business.

A bit of classic shape-shaft business, I didn't realise. Yes. Let's do your business then. Alistair, how's your week been? It's not been bad, thank you. Good. Caught out by train strikes. Yeah, they kept that one under wraps, didn't they?

Well, I checked if the trains were on, and I went to Swindon, and they were on. And then the instant I arrived in Swindon, they all vanished. Yes. And I stayed in Swindon. Oh. Courtesy of the working man. Thank you. I support organised labour.

Well, my fortnight has been... I've developed a bit of a custard cream habit. I thought you were using Cockney rhyming slang or something. I don't know what it means. No, no, the biscuit. Custard cream, the biscuit. Okay. The delicious bicky.

I thought you meant the custard cream dream. I don't know. it means. No, no, the biscuit. Custard cream, the biscuit. Okay. The delicious bicky. I thought you meant custard cream dream. I don't know. Addicted to dreaming. Yeah. I do feel like I am. I've always thought you were a dreamer, James. I'm not the only one. How many custard creams have you eaten in a week?

I'm kind of doing a packet every other day. That is too many. Especially as every other day it's Bourbons. The body needs time to recover. And so you've got to switch to Bourbons. Yeah. Should we explain what a custard cream is? I suppose we'd better.

It's a type of biscuit. I suppose it's like an English Oreo, isn't it? Yes, an English Victorian Oreo. Yeah. But it's all yellow. cream it's cream colored yeah but yellowing uh and it's i think it's meant to be vanilla flavored and there's there's not much information about it like if you go to its wiki page it's very light sorry are you suggesting a cover-up of some sorts yes yeah yeah i don't know what it is but i think because

they've all got the same pattern all custard creams have the same custard creams it's like even made by different biscuit manufacturers well alistair the reason i go for a custard cream is because when you go for like a supermarket ownowned brand version, they're consistent. It's like they're an open-source biscuit. That's a good point because sometimes if you go for an off-brand ginger nut, it can be very mealy. It's going to be mostly nut. I guess.

James, are you a biscuit truther now? I think I am. I'm not sure. This isn't even like bonus Patreon material. This is an entirelyuther now? I think I am. I'm not sure. This isn't even like bonus Patreon material. This is an entirely new podcast, I think. I think this is a spin-off. The biscuit man. The biscuit man. The biscuit man cometh, and he sneaks into your tins,

and he snaffles up the best biscuits. To be honest, he takes too many custard creams. More custard creams than you were actually offering when you said help yourself. He doesn't get away that quickly because he's in the custard creams as he goes, leaving a clear trail. He is the biscuit man. By the way, you know the pattern on a custard cream? It's meant to, I think it's meant to represent vines or something for some reason.

But I think it's the tendrils of the custard cream manufacturer. Because I think there's only one. These are all made by one. Yeah. That's why there's such little information out there. Because they're like, we've cornered the market on custard creams. We don't want anyone else realising that it's like an open source recipe whatever they've done maybe they've shaken down the other suppliers yep that's clearly a racket

at least if not a cartel i just want to say to the listener if anything happens to us now just spread the word yeah you know why you'll know why yeah we've been not cream crackered so much as cream biscuited big biscuit got to us if we end up dunked if someone pulls off our rigid outer pieces and laps up the soft fillings, you'll know why. Yeah. Do you ever make a doubler? What? Sorry, I think I just did the audio version of a spit take there.

It doesn't work as well on podcasts. It's just a disgusting noise. What? Are you telling me, okay, you twist off one lid off one custard cream and one lid off another custard cream and then... Put the two cream sides together. The two cream sides together. But what happens to the other one?

You've made a horrible... You toss them to your butler. Yes, you have made the anti-cream. There you are, Jimkin. Thank you very much, sir. I do enjoy sir's offcuts. Yeah, you've made the anti-custard cream and you have to

eat that. To stay in balance. Like the Muller Fruit Corner, you have to eat the white bit of yoghurt. It can't be all Fruit Corner. No, it can't be all Corner, can it? Unless they brought out like a fruit octagon. Froctagon. Froctagon. It was just fruit.

And if that happens and anything happens to us and the fruit octagon comes out, then that has slightly muddied the waters. Yeah. These are the... Who did it? Was it Big Yogurt cornering us? Yeah.

Mullerising us. We got mullered. We've been mullered. Dial M for Muller. What you wouldn't do if you were worried about being murdered by big yoghurt. Yeah, don't. I can't think of what would be the opposite of yoghurt.

I don't know. Some sand? I don't want to be found drowned in a small corner of my bath. Full of blood. Yeah, just that weird, just that corner though. And I'll just be crumbled in a dusty heap by a big biscuit or squished between two biscuits. Yeah.

Well, that was... What a week! Yeah, what a week. What a week! So if anyone knows the inside track on custard cream, leave me a message in a, I don't know, in some sort of biscuit-themed manner. Probably write it on a biscuit.

Yeah, email, email. That's what CC in email stands for, custard cream. Oh. Yeah, so just pop us an email. And I'll reply with just a biscuit that says, nice. Because that biscuit already exists.