Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep27: Loremen S5Ep27 - Leicester Fairies, Nuns, Ghosts and a Big Stone LIVE

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

This year's live show at the Leicester Comedy festival was a delight. The lorefolk were in fine form and James rustled up a folkloric feast, including 'facts' from Geoffrey Hodson's 1925 book Fairies at Work and at Play. Sadly, fairy mischief meant that our recorder batteries died towards the end of the show, so the final portion of this episode has been reconstructed from a low-quality backup. You'll hardly notice! Unless you listen to the episode, in which case you'll definitely notice. Why not defy the fairy curse and join us for another live show? The Loreboys are going live again in Oxford on May 25th: https://oldfirestation.org.uk/whats-on/loremen-podccast/ (We'll bring lots of spare AA batteries to this one, we promise.) This episode was edited by Joseph Burrows - Audio Editor. LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, this is a live episode from the vaults. It is, and I have an apology to make. I bought a brand new pack of 10 batteries for £3.99, and that was a mistake. They were to go in the sound recorder for the live show and they weighed nothing. They were like candy floss.

They were called X. They were not a well-known brand. They were called XLU Cell or something like that. They did not excel. No, they did not excel. I'm so sorry, everyone. I'm sorry, James. It's okay.

I'm going to apologise for trusting Alistair to buy batteries. I mean, you could apologise for not bringing batteries for the recorder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry about laptops running out of batteries. I can't. We're going to have to... No more apology there. Just play the episode.

Play the episode, Joe. Thanks. Are we rolling there, Joe, on the recording? Oh. It's happening. Let's go live then. there joe on the recording oh let's go let's go live then i'm waiting for the internet just wait for the internet

we're live we're live we're live hello lester hello hello the internet hi the internet lot quieter. I can hardly hear the internet at all. We'll hear them in a minute. Okay. This will blow up. I've just realised I need to turn the volume down in case the internet does get loud today. Whenever we do this, because I'm aware of what I look like, but yeah, I'm sort of like, as I was saying, a kind of a hot teen type, teen heartthrob.

Yeah. Bad boy. But whenever I see the live stream back, I've got a real sort of man of the woods aspect to me. It just doesn't come out when I see myself in a mirror.

What's going on? Is it the lighting? It's a filter. It's a special filter. Oh, okay, it's a filter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a humbling filter. Humble vision.

But you look amazing, James. What's the filter do? Yeah, that's me humbled. But in real life. Well, imagine. Welcome to Lawmen Live in Leicester. 2024. 2024.

Hello, everybody. How are you doing? Well, great. Good to hear that. Thanks. Alistair, how are you? I'm fine. Thank you very much, James.

Excellent. Very excited. This is my second day at the Leicester Comedy Festival. I was here yesterday as well. Oh, yeah. How was that? It was all my second day at the Leicester Comedy Festival. I was here yesterday as well. Oh, yeah? How was that? It was all right. Yeah?

That went up? It was a little bit weird. It was a little bit weird. You said you were going to ask me if anything weird had happened to me. Yeah, well, now I want to know if anything weird happened. It wasn't that weird. Yesterday I was here doing a kids' show. Because I don't know if you know, I'm a published children's author.

I've written two and a half books. And so I was doing a parents and kids show and four grownups came. And their staff were like, oh, it's a kids show. And they were like, yeah, but we're here now. So they just,

four middle-aged adults with their pints just sat at the back. And I was like, do you want to be a detective? And they're like, yeah, we want to be a detective. We want to learn how to be a detective. Woo-hoo.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I was asking for help and they were putting their hands up and everything. It was good. Right. I do honestly have some stuff to tell you about Leicester.

Leicestershire. I did do some research on a place in Nottinghamshire that I was going to tell you about, but then I thought I would have finger-pointed at me that I don't know my counties. I've got county blindness, okay?

It's a real condition that I'm in the process of making up. But listen out for that in upcoming weeks, because I'm not going to waste that research. It's a very fun story, but not as fun as today's story, which is Leicestershire based. In fact, have we got any Leicestershirean? Leicestershonians? What's the word? Leicestershonians. Leicestrians. Leicestershonians? What's the word? Leicestershonians. Leicestrians, yeah. Locals? Leicestrians.

I'm going to tell you about a place called Humberstone. Do you know the place? Do you know the Humberstone of Humberstone, just next to the KFC? There's some vigorous nodding happening for the benefit of the listener. Some real nods from the less, less types. Locals, locals. Locals, from the locals. I'm just saying locals.

So the Humber Stone is thousands of years old. Aren't all stones thousands of years old? That's a very, apart from like hot new lava. Yep. And it is granite and it stood eight to 10 feet tall and seven and a half feet wide until the mid-1700s. What happened, James? Well, according to someone who wrote into Gentleman's Magazine in 1813,

as we've talked about before in the past, you could just name stuff. When you were the first people to give things names, you could call them anything. So I did do a bit of Googling into Gentleman's Magazine. You could just name stuff. Yeah. Before, when you were the first people to give things names, you could call them anything. Yeah. So I did do a bit of Googling into Gentleman's Magazine. I got somewhat distracted. No, don't. It was a magazine from the past.

It was aimed at gentlemen. Do you think in those days, people were rooting around the sidings of the railway and pulling out Gentleman's Magazine and just learning about standing stones. I'm like, oh, eight feet tall, eh? Four! Seven and a half feet wide.

Granite, you say? Thousands of years old, you say? According to someone who wrote in, JD, a fella, come on. JD, what a lad. He just calls himself JD, so I'm going to call him JD. I don't think, that sounds like a self- going to call him JD. I don't think...

That sounds like a self-applied nickname to me. I don't think his mum calls him JD. I was taught to drive by a JD. Were you? Yeah, JD. What, like a 12-year-old boy in a baseball cap? Yes. Taught you how to drive?

It was fully illegal. He didn't have the dual control either. He just kept leaning over and pushing my pedals. That sounds weird. So J.D. wrote into Gentleman's Magazine to describe how the Humberstone had stood in a hollow until the 1750s when the top was chipped off and the hollow was filled in. And now it's just like a couple of foot sticking out of the ground. If you look at the top of it, if you Google the pictures on the internet, it looks like a scrunched up cheek. It's like a pinkish colour and it's got these sort of undulations in it. It's

a very peculiar thing to look at. Do we know why? Why anyone would not just, I can see why you might fill in a hollow, but why would you then lop the top off the standing stone? I don't know. I don't know. They say it was to enable the field to be like plowed better. I think it was quite a bumpy field. Okay. So they sort of leveled it.

But also they've got this big stone, which I don't know. I guess they wanted it a bit flatter. That's the thing with standing stones. I can't stand how standing they are. Yeah. Make them flatter, I say. Yeah. Okay.

Sign my petition. If 100,000 people sign it, it will get debated. Should stones be flatter? Standing stones, it would say. Make them lie down. Yeah. They all used to be lying down before, like, students in the 70s put them back up. Yeah.

Well, back up is the real thing. Anyway. Sorry, are you a Stonehenge truther, James? Yes. Yes. Jet fuel can't melt wherever. I don't know. I don't know.

I've become confused. According to the then frequent remarks of the villagers, the owner of the land who did this deed never prospered afterwards. He certainly was reduced to absolute poverty and died about six years ago in the parish workhouse. This is in 1813, I think. Is that J.D.? Are you quoting J.D. there, J.D.? I'm quoting J.D. there.

J.D. Sorry, I should have changed it. Could you do a sort of a young teen's voice? Got on the bus with my day saver. That's my in. I've lost it again. I don't know what my ears heard there. There's a kid getting on the bus with my day saver.

It's from a viral video from 20 years ago no it's just it's just the way you vanish into the character it's baffling to me according to the then frequent you know what character

I've vanished into is Chris Cantrell again according to the then frequent remarks of the villagers the owner of the land who did this never prospered afterwards

he certainly was reduced to absolute poverty and died. About six years ago in parish workhouse. Yeah, so don't mess with the stone. What a lesson about chopping the top of a stone and then filling in the bottom. Don't do that. Exactly.

Leave them where they are. And a plot, well, uh according to this is all according to jd jd plot of land 100 yards northeast was called hellhole furlong which is now a kfc and in hellhole furlong it is well it is widely thought that's where druids did their human sacrifices and they might have done it even on this humberstone or as it's called in some cases a hell stone on the subject of uh fried chicken james oh yes so i realized you were moving on to human sacrifice so i better jump in. There's a fried chicken place near me,

and you can see that I think it used to be called Perfect Fried Chicken, but presumably another business has already got that name. Yeah. So they've had it like a... They've just got really guilty. It isn't actually perfect. I'm sorry, I can't make those claims anymore. So what they've done is, and they haven't changed the whole sign,

they've just got a new letter done so that they've replaced the P at the start with an F. What? It's called Furfect Fried Chicken. Furfect Fried Chicken. I know that probably you can work out where I live based on this information, so don't, but... Furfect Fried Chicken, FFC.

Do you want to go for FFC? A perfect fried chicken. Perfect fried, why would you do that? Replace the C as well, so it's perfect fried thicken, why not? If you're going to do it, do it, commit. Perfect fried chicken, so it's FFS. But then it would be difficult to Google. I love something that just teaches you its own backstory.

You can be like, the F is not even the same size as the P would have been. It's smaller. They're like, this is the largest F we could get. Do you think maybe what happened was the P fell off and then they went... It's a terrible miscommunication. Yeah, they needed to go, or they went to the letters shop, which I presume is a place, and all they had was one F. That was all they got.

You just got an F. You can do it yourself. Fill it in. Could they not fill it in? Maybe. This, I don't know if this is broadcastable, but in Durham when I was a kid, there was a fish and chip shop called Benny's.

B-E-N-I apostrophe S. Okay. Yeah, right. Are you visualising those letters? Mm-hmm. And if it helps, it's in like a script font. So it's like a handwriting font. And some really industrious vandals painstakingly broke the bottom loop off the B. I think you're ahead of me. So it said pennies. Because they didn't get the apostrophe. And I was like, well, that would have been funnier if you'd got the apostrophe.

You metaphor yourself. The Hellstone, it is believed that it comes from the old English hella, which means death, or it could be... Hella. Hella. Hella. It's not an alarming noise for a word that means death. Oh, death.

Hella. It could mean that this place is a gateway to hell. Or maybe not, because... Those are the options. It is or it isn't. Might be, might not. Those are the options. Perfect or furfect?

Those are the only two options. Furfection. Furfecto from the the Italian, perfecto. Well, traditionary tales, not my made-up word, the made-up word of JD. Traditionary. Traditionary tales tell of a subterranean secret passage from a nunnery that apparently stood on the grounds to Leicester Abbey two miles away, which was thick with monks.

And it was... What was happening there, James? Well, we've got some young bikers in the audience. So I don't want to get too graphic, but it was for... Some naive young bikers. Not in front of the bikers, James. not in front of the bikers james it was potentially used to allow illicit monk and nun chicanery yeah chicanery yeah mischief shenanigans rejoindery i don't know joinery joinery yeah they were doing some secret woodwork down there it could be a gateway

to hell in that respect because if the monks and nuns were getting up to such things that would be something that according to themselves saying monks and nuns would send them to hell yeah so the devil would be all over that you very much so perfection on chicken yes exactly right one of the big reasons that might not be there, might not be true, is because... Hell doesn't exist? And there was no nunnery, yeah. But JD goes on to recount that fairies frequented or lived there. Now, says JD, some years ago, it was believed that fairies inhabited

or at least frequented this stone and various stories were told concerning those pygmy beings. How long have you worked as a newspaper boy? As a Victorian newspaper selling child? Well, yeah, quite a while evidently. Selling Gentleman's Magazine presumably and then he was like,

I'm going to make the news this time. And he wrote into the magazine. It's a lovely tale of redemption. According to a friend of the show, Laura the Land. Thank you. And for the world. Unfortunately, he does not go on

to relate any tales, but adds by way of illustration. Should I do it in JD's voice again? Yeah, I think the people have spoken, yeah. This belief was so strongly attached to the Host and Stone that some years ago, a person visiting it alone fancied he heard it utter a deep groan and he immediately ran away to some labourers

about 200 yards distant. Terrified with the apprehension of seeing one of the wonderful fairy inhabitants, to some labourers about 200 yards distant. Terrified with the apprehension of seeing one of the wonderful fairy inhabitants. I think that shows how time has changed because if I thought I had seen a fairy,

the last thing I'd do would be run and tell some builders. These fellows will help me. I expect to be taken seriously on the site. Yeah. Someone thinks they've heard a fairy. Is there a builder here?

Surely a builder can help. I gave up building a long time ago. I'll help you with your fairies. Yes. So could it be that that person who heard that noise, were they hearing fairies or were they hearing the ghosts of nuns and monks? A groan as well. Yeah.

The ghosts of amorous monastics. I hope it was an enthusiastic groan and not just the fairies being disappointed in you as you walk past. And they're like, ah, flipping heck. But I have a new friend of the show, which was given to me by one of the listeners. Thank you very much. Thank you. Jack Flash. Thank you.

This is Fairies at Work and at Play, observed by Geoffrey Hodson. Oh! Which sounds more, again, that sounds more illicit. So, presumably these fairies had had a Mars bar, again, to refer to an advert that was made before many people here was born. And it describes all the different types. Your standard, according to Geoffrey Hodson, types of fairies that they've that they've witnessed

you've got brownies and elves classic you've got gnomes you've got mannequins mannequins now a mannequin i don't need to tell you this name has been chosen for all the fairy people of male appearance who cannot be classified as either gnome, brownie or elf, but who exhibit some of the characteristics of all of these. So they may have the face of a gnome and the clothing of a brownie. Perhaps with the long pointed foot of the elf. So yeah, mannequins are kind of made up of ones altogether. Yeah, they're made up all right, yeah.

But all these, all the quite detailed descriptions, and I'm sure this will become an episode in itself at a later date, there's some very... The level of detail, though, there's a certain amount of detail where you can tell someone is lying. Do you know what I mean? Like when someone embellishes, like a kid's lying in school, the more...

I remember a school friend who claimed he was late because his foot slipped into a hole and a crocodile bit it. Now, if he'd just not put the crocodile in the story, I would have believed it. But the extra detail makes it obviously a lie. Yeah, because it could have been an alligator for all they know. If your foot's in it, you're not checking the shape of the snout, really, or asking it for its passport to see where it came from

because those are the two main differences. I beg your pardon? That's a very good point. For the recording... That was really good. You're going to have to repeat that for the recording. James, what is the main difference? Let's pretend you thought of that.

What is the main difference between an alligator and a crocodile? Well, yeah, I guess they wouldn't know whether they'd see it later or in a while. Copyright, not me. That wasn't my joke. That wasn't my joke. Thank you very much. How does he think of these things? Where do I get my crazy ideas?

This person. Yeah, yes. Someone saw some red mannequins on the hillside, and the main colouring is, of course, red. The shape is spelt M-A-N-N-I-K-I-N-S. Yeah, I pronounced it. Mannequins. Okay.

Mannequins. I just want to make it clear, it's not like shop mannequins. No, it's more like ramekins. The little things that you get puddings in. Those little bowls, the bowls that aren't classifiable as a different kind of bowl. Yes. It's a ramekin. Not a traditional shallow bowl, a ramekin.

The ones that you've got 10 of on the top shelf in your cupboard because you get the goo puddings and you think they're going to come in useful. And they are when you're doing some painting they're good for cleaning brushes life hack apparently so this is all according to jeffrey hill of longridge in lancashire november 1922 the shape of the head is most peculiar it It's very much flattened at the sides and almost comes to an edge at the centre of the forehead, but there is practically no front surface. What? How can you have an edge at the front? They've got a 2D head.

It's a sharp head. Like a shark? Like some sharks are very... Yes. The nose is curved and very sharp and thin. The lips are very thin and sloped upwards at the corners. The chin is curved and very sharp and thin. The lips are very thin and sloped upwards at the corners. The chin is prominent and pointed. Of course it is.

If your face meets at a point at the front, your chin is going to be prominent and pointed. They wear crimson hats with either a tassel or a bell. I think I hear a tinkling. This is according to Geoffrey Hill. I think as I hear a tinkling sound all over the field, they're four to six inches high normally, but they can and do enlarge themselves. So yeah, fair warning. They can and repeat do enlarge themselves. But so that's the tale.

And repeat, do enlarge themselves. But, so that's the tale. That is the tale of the Humberstone. You can go there and, hey, why not pick up a KFC chips afterwards? This is a part of the, sorry, we're now sponsored by KFC? Did you know? No, we're not. Now, another ghost story.

Do you want to hear a ghost story? Yeah. This one's pretty spooky. Okay, so there's a couple of little tales from a little town called Kibworth Harcourt. Yeah? You've been there? You've got no impression of what kind of a place it is at all? You're just acknowledging that it exists?

It's got a road. It's got at least one road. Okay, okay. With an entrance and an exit. There's an account from 1875 that speaks of a haunting at a house in Kibworth. And it said that for upwards of half a century, it had been haunted because one man killed another there. And afterwards, ghostly figures were seen fighting.

Or you could hear the noise of fighting or see shadows of fighting. Or just some people walking around. The householder appears to have taken it in their stride, referring to the manifestation as a bogey. Have you been to Kibworth Mill? Because a miller at Kibworth Mill, he died as the result of a bet. Ooh.

Are we in epic lad territory? Yeah, we are, absolutely. It was down the pub. I did somebody, whee. I forget how lousy our, we are. Absolutely. It was down the pub. I did somebody whee! I forget how loud our live audiences are.

It's getting pretty leery out here, James. Be careful. Do you know the pub The Coaching Horses in Kibworth? Yes. Well, that was the

scene of this. I looked on the website and it really doesn't mention this story, which you'll come to see is unsurprising. So it was some sort of drinking game or wager. And the miller was basically being bet how much gin they could drink.

And the people they bet with cheated because they gave them doubles rather than singles, which I don't need to tell you guys. That's twice as much. A few mathematicians out there were ahead of me. Yeah, he won the bet. What was the bet? I think it was just like, can you drink this much gin? He said yes, and then drank twice as much gin. It's the only way I can work it out.

He definitely won the bet then, but usually a bet has two possible outcomes. But I suppose him not drinking the gin. He would have had to stop drinking the gin. Okay. And he won the bet, but died. Swings and roundabouts. Or did he? Yes.

He was pronounced dead and be-coffined. Put in a coffin and this as it says in Law of the Land noises were heard from the coffin

they buried him anyway what what yep yep yep yep though noises

were allegedly heard coming from his coffin no one seems to have said anything at the time and he was duly buried. Wow, poor one out for an epic lance. What a tragedy.

And afterwards, there was a horrified suspicion that he'd been buried alive because his ghost was seen. And also because of the knocking on the coffin, I imagine. Or maybe he got out, actually. Maybe it's a happy ending. Maybe his ghost was seen. He was one of those brown, muddy ghosts that you get. He's really angry and has a horrible hangover.

Yeah, so that's maybe a little warning against some of the more, you know, laddish members of the audience not to get involved in gin-based bets. Or at least just have people double check your coffin um yeah so the final tale is from kiln coat kiln coat which is apparently in north leicester oh i'm getting some nods i'm getting some shakes i can see some people shaking james it doesn't exist so in 1790 a contributor to a gentleman's magazine lads lads lads yeah they sent the editor a brief account of the very best ghost which ever made its appearance in england people are already laughing, James. You clearly said goats. I know, I nearly said...

You clearly said the very best goats. I did. I think I better retake that. I think a retake is probably in order. They sent to the editor a brief account of the very best ghost which ever made its appearance in England. You're right. Because it's a ghost. What we'll do is we'll cut that and make it sound like, because it's a goat. What we'll do is we'll cut that and make it sound like you're impressed by the goat.

How good is this goat? You're wrong to ooh, because it's a goat, not an owl. James knows all the animal noises. I got a kid. I got a kid. You've got to learn them. You have to learn them. Dog. Rabbit got a kid. You got to learn them. You have to learn them. Dog. What? Rabbit.

Carrots. He's got me there. That's what a rabbit would say. Mm-hmm. It's an excellent impression i said i do say myself yeah so yeah the best ghost ever right it appeared for several years but very seldom and only in the church porch in Kilncut in Leicestershire, which was discovered by a lady now living and then the rector's wife.

They don't go into that. Oh, what happened there? They don't go into that. What happened there? Did the rector, what happened? She's now living. She's now living. So she was his zombie wife?

She's a queen. Yeah, I don't know. Can you get back from zombie to being alive? They don't tend to. They don't tend to. They don't tend to. Maybe your traditional voodoo zombie who's somebody under a thrall. A drug.

Yeah. Maybe. Yes, maybe. Yeah. So probably this... Probably that, yep. Probably this rector's wife is formerly a zombie. There's no other explanation.

NB, it was not a ghost that could appear ad libitum. Got to look that up. I'm going to guess that means something to do with freely. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But sometimes it did not appear for four years and the lady determined to approach it

and the nearer she advanced, the more... Actually, this is sounding pretty good, James. I thought you said there was a problem with the audio. Oh, it's imminent. Oh, it's about to happen now, is it? Yeah, I think it might happen mid-sentence. Well, I'll brace my ears then. Yeah, we're sorry, everyone.

James is sorry for trusting me. I am actually very sorry. No, I'm just... It was a good episode as well. We were having a great time. You had to be there, really. Yes. Why not be there next time?

Anyway, we'll get on to that later. Get on with the rest of the episode. Thanks. She was that the substance or shade of this human figure was before her. Sounds like she's just seen a person. And as she goes nearer to it, it becomes more obviously a person. Is that not the end of the story? Because it would be terrible if it was.

Well, actually, funny you should say that. It's called To the Lord and the Land. This is a convincing account of an alleged supernatural encounter, not because it was the rector's wife that saw the ghost, but because no attempt is made to give it a life history to justify its presence.

Yeah, that is the end of the story. And that's why it's good. It's very much, if I look for it, it's not there. I do get a boy when they do the research in Ghost.

When someone will see a woman and they get the name Henry and then they look it up and they'll say, oh, but someone, for heaven's sake, someone died here

and his name was Hector. And that's similar. You know what I mean? And they'll be like, yeah, that's who it was. It's Hector. It's like, no, it's Henry.

People died everywhere. They did. Henry's died everywhere. People died everywhere. There's loads of dead heroes. Have we got any dead Henry's who it was. It's not. It's Henry. People died everywhere. They did. Henry's died everywhere. People died everywhere. There's loads of dead emeralds. Have we got any dead Henry's here? No. No.

Of course, also, I did look for a little bit more information. There's none. And in fact, the people that were shaking their head earlier were right to shake their head because you can't find the kiln coat what the whole place vanished it doesn't appear to be there kiln coat it goes did you oh did you mean kim coat

for the benefit of the recording someone said yeah kim coat kim coat k-i-n-K-O-T-E. But at the start of every chapter has a little map. And it's got Kimminkote on here up in North Leicestershire. It certainly should be a simple map. Corresponding that map with a different map. But Kimminkote, which you thought I meant, is in South Leicestershire. It's already non-mathematicians in or non-geographers.

That's the end of it. Yeah. With a kiln coat. With a kiln coat. But if you look up kiln coat ghost, you find another ghost story. And this is, I'm going to end with this. It's a sort of a process of divination that you can do. I got this from the paranormal database.

.com What you do that you know of the quality web 1.0 website to you. You don't even need to go on it to know you've got blue hyperlinks. You've got time to be Roman. Oh, absolutely. You've got a visitor

counter. That's a new roadmap. Yes. Oh, absolutely. You've got a visitor counter. This is where it's done. It's a new road, really. That's a number. Yes. What you do is you go on midsummer. I think it's midsummer's eve between 10 p.m. and midnight. And you go to the church and nothing happens.

And you go back again the next year on midsummer's eve between 10 p.m and mid-night and nothing happens again. You go back a third year, midsummer's eve, 10 p.m, mid-night, and something happens. Oh, wow. Shades, ghostly apparitions of all the people who are going to die that year are there for you. Wow. You see, it's a way to divide all the people that are going to die that year. The problem is you need to plan three years ahead. Yes, you've got to go back.

You need to know three years in advance. Yes. So you wanted to know if it was going to die that year. Yes. And what if someone had been the previous year? You'd get it a year early. Would you get it a year early? I don't know. Is it a transferable divination system? We just don't know. We don't know.

And we'll never know because the place doesn't exist. We've never had a vanished town before. That's very sweet. Yeah. That's excellent. You know what? So, yeah, don't look for them. It's not there.

He did it. He slipped in one of the old catchphrases. Unless you go three years in a row and then it will be there. I think you should probably do a round of applause for the historians. You ready to score? You're going to be like a bunch of Martin Scorsese.

You have to be staying for the Marvel films. So what can I do? Yes. A shout out for Martin Scorsese if you've watched it. Yeah. Martin. I think he pronounces it Scorsese. Let's do some scoring if you've watched it. Yeah. Martin. I think he pronounces it Scorsese. Let's do some scoring.

Let's score it. Yeah. We're not going to bother reading what you have to say. We don't respect you. So while you're all thinking of it, shall we do the first two categories? Yes, let's. Or we get kicked out of a group.

Yes. So first category. Names. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Kiln coat. Kiln coat. Did you wall. Kilncoat. Oh, sorry. Did you mean Kimbo?

No. That's good too. Very similar names there. I like that. I know that I suggested Furback Fried Chicken, but I still kind of feel like it's a good name. I think that's probably a couple of points. Humberstone. Hellhole

Furlong. I feel like Furlong of points. Humberstone. Hellhole. Thurlong. Hellhole. I thought Thurlong takes away. Well, okay. So I use this old English name, which was Hellhole Thur. You reeled me right in there. I thought you were going to do a real one there. Kibweth Harcourt, which is a place, not a person. Really sounds like a first.

Kibweth Harcourt, which is a place, not a person. Really sounds like a person. Kibweth Harcourt, you're reading a gentleman's magazine. Kibweth Miller, Kibweth Mill, and the Kibweth Miller, Kibweth Mill Miller. And I think that's it. Yeah, we didn't even get a name for the other writer in the gentleman's magazine. I think it's a five, honestly. I was going to knock one off for Cochranorsis, but you're right. It's such a high score in the pub game. it's a five honestly i was i was going to knock one off for coaching horses but you're right it's such a high score in the podcast is it a five i'm seeing some knots but it's just an audio medium tournament yeah it's fine some people are not going with it but

it's five it's five oh yes excellent it's a five it. We've got the second category of force, which is supernatural. Supernatural art. Supernatural art. Imagine a person where the more you walk towards them, the more they look like a person. You can see them in more detail than ever again. Imagine someone whose face is really pointy at the front of the floor. They're like, I don't know, like an origami face.

Yeah. Just imagine a really obvious lie. This really deep, really obvious, made-up stuff. But they were lies that were over 100 years old. Ooh. I'm not that impressed. You've got to go three years in a row just to see who is going to die. The average reward ratio is way off.

There's these supernaturals. You've got fairies, ghosts, and a big stone. Hellstone. Is it? No, it might be. Or, why not? It might have been a place of juridical human sacrifice. Everywhere might have been a place of juridical

sacrifice. That's a very good point. The guy that filled in the hole got in a load of trouble. Not with babbling. I'm going to say it would be a two except that they can enlarge.

They can and do enlarge and so I will enlarge that to a three. So we've got to chat to great top lads. Not looking for something. I think yes. I think we're going to go with both of them. Yeah, that works. We'll go for top lads next because there is some absolutely laddishness. Not only do we have those laddish nuns and mobs getting back to all sorts of loaded slash FHM magazine.

Zoom. Or Zoom. The young reader. Or the internet. Or the young reader. Or the internet. Or the Russian reader. Notes is what happens if you ask James, James knows the squirrel.

Oh, we still have to do the other category. That should be the end. Thanks and good night. Watch this category again. Erlang. Top flag. I feel like I'm not an expert in the modern slack.

I feel like top flags might have changed meanings. I don't know what a top is. Is it a bike effect? Sorry, people who weren't in the room. That's not going to make any sense at all. Speaking of twice as much in laddage next,

they're women lads on their backs. All of the fairies are basically lads. They work hard and they play hard. I like this quite. They climb up. They come and do it. Yeah, they go large. Yeah, I thought hockey. I like that. They climb out. They climb out too. Yeah, they go large. Yeah, both of us do that.

Does it mean that they just grow in size? Yes. Or they go heaven. I've been able to get smaller. To get to the doggy. Yeah, having a bet, having a drinking game, and then the absolute lardishness of burying someone alive. My thing is, it seems...

It's pure banter when you bury that man alive. I don't know, I feel like, I honestly think it's a five, but I just feel like it's just a testosterone in the room. The adrenaline is pumping. I feel like it might kick in the room, then the adrenaline is pumping. I feel like it might kick off. Really? People are going to start fighting some bottle books today, Geoff.

We'd better run and find some bills. I think it's a fine line of flight. Are you with me? Yay! Final category, don't look for it. It's not there. So, if one was really done, we looked for it. We should have looked for it.

Yeah. Even if you do that, if you put in Kilmaco, and he goes, no, I didn't mean Kilco. You say, no, I meant Kilmaco. All the results are Kilco. It's like, I really think it is. The humbler state is almost not there. It's mostly not there.

It's hardly worth looking for it. Yeah. They're just like, don't look. Tell whole furlock, it's hardly worth looking for. Yeah. They're just like, don't look. Tell whole furlock it's a KFC. Don't look for the P of perfect fried chicken. It's not that. It's been replaced. Don't look for a lack of pulse

in the person who's buried alive. Because he is alive and so he does have a pulse. So it is there. Do look. That's a do look So it is there. That's a doom look for it. It is there. And don't look for it. It's not there two years out of three.

Yeah. He's going to die and you've been injured. It doesn't exist. Don't look for that nuttery either. Yeah, it doesn't. It's not there. I bet we picked scores, to be honest. I think it's a three. I don I bet we peaked early in the scores to be honest I think it's a three

I don't know why you're going to do it mate I'm just here to dole out the numbers we peaked too soon oh he's back and thank you very much for joining us

thank you very much for joining us on the internet I'm sorry for being a spangy people on the internet you're my only real friends. And there's a link to coffee.com forward slash lawman.

Watch someone else. We should remind them. Watch this on the internet. Let's check in. For this? I think they can hear me still. Thank you very much for coming. And it's lovely to hear me still. Thank you very much for coming and it's lovely to see you all.

Thank you. Yeah, ta-ra then. So it wasn't that bad. I mean, come on. Probably sounds better in the room. Well,

if you want to be in the room, why not join us at the Oxford Comedy Podcast Festival on the, when is it? 25th of May, 2024. 2024. Or you can come and see me on tour in many cities. Look them up.

I don't have time to tell you. You can join us on patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod where you get access to bonus episodes and you get access to the lawfolk discord and thank you very much all the people that are already doing that your support is invaluable we wouldn't have been able to buy any batteries without you yeah even bad batteries yes and thank you much to joe for editing this episode and thank you the listener for listening tell you what have a little bonus bit at the end of the episode just a little few extra seconds of fun no way yeah

just for topicality i've had a brief look at the discord and the news in general about the solar eclipse in america oh yes they've had earthquakes and eclipses. Yes. It's been very busy for America. It has been. Cats and dogs living together. Do you remember the eclipse in 2000? I think we were on holiday in Scotland and the eclipse area was in the south. So I think we went, I think I was possibly on the Isle of Iona on that day, but needless to say, it was overcast and yeah, very, very unmoody, I think. It got a little bit dark and that was it. But that's Scotland. Yes. Everyone there was just, oh, it's the nature of Ferdronen, they just said.

Oh, it's a good break. It's a good night. It's a good night. It's not a break. It's not a break. Bro bricht, mun licht nicht, t'necht. Es nie bricht, mun licht nicht, t'necht. Es nie bricht. I was actually, Alistair. Where were you? You were actually on the moon? I was in France. Oh, wow. Oh, la, la.

Which at that time was the centre of the eclipse? It was on the line of totality. You were on the line of totality? Absolutely. The L.O.T.? Yeah. Shake shaft on the line? Big time. Absolutely. The L.O.T. Yeah. Shake Shaft on the line. Big time.

So if we could have spoken to you then, if we could have spoken to, I was going to say young James Shake Shaft, but you would have been a sort of strapping young book. Well, I'm pretty sure it was only seven or eight years ago, the year 2000. Yeah. Yeah. go well the year 2000 so yeah yeah which would have made you about uh about a teen a hot teen were you i was a i was a an uh an uh an hot 20 year old oh no actually i'd have been a hot teen if it was in when was it what was the actual date i'm picturing you straddling the line of totality looking like a hot teen, basically.

Is that accurate? I think it was the 2000s. So, yes, I would have been a hot 19-year-old. Well, now I feel like we're objectifying you a bit if you're 19. Now I feel like you're vulnerable, and I shouldn't have said all that stuff about how hot you were. Oh, I was super hot, though. Hmm.

Yeah, no, no, I'm sure the listener can imagine. Am I allowed to objectify myself well if if you don't i will someone's got it so let's be clear hot young james is straddling the line of totality in in i'm picturing jodhpurs i don't know why i don't think you're equestrian but i did they were very very baggy brown cords. Course. Course they were. But I just remember looking at it on a beach in France and probably near a jeté. And compared to some of the videos I've seen

of Americans witnessing such a thing, I feel like we underplayed the situation so i imagined i imagine some frenchman probably allowed maybe just a little bit more ash to develop on his cigarette on his little black cigarette than usual but i don't imagine he would have been running about and whooping and hollering and all the stuff I expect from Americans. Yeah, I think you've done just an ever so imperceptibly slighter shrug. Yeah, maybe a little eyebrow movement. But I mean, have you seen how Americans react to street magic? Yeah.

I mean, that's the street magic of space. So I'm not surprised that they were over the top about it. To be honest, it looks like they've had a whale of a time. I feel quite jealous. Yes, I can't begrudge them a bit of fun.