Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep39: Loremen S5Ep39 - The Many Ghosts of Sandford Orcas

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

James lures Alasdair to a bad mannered manor house in Dorset*. We're in Sandford Orcas - which is a village, not pod of Free Willies - and the place is simply brimming with ghosts! From Ghosts in the South West by James Turner, Shakey tells a tale of troublesome monks, lunar assassins and one very macabre way of not getting blamed for farts. And you'll be pleased to know that this spooky/farty manor is currently on sale for less than five million quid - so get your offers in now! Follow along here... https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/147382139#/?channel=RES_BUY * You wouldn't endorse it. This episode was edited by Joseph Burrows - Audio Editor. Come see us LIVE Again! https://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/loremen-live-again-18th-aug-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202408181730/ LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Si vous faites vos achats tout en travaillant, en mangeant ou même en écoutant ce balado, alors vous connaissez et aimez l'excitation du magasinage. Mais avez-vous ce frisson d'obtenir le meilleur deal? Les membres de Rakuten, eux, oui. Ils magasinent les marques qu'ils aiment et font d'importantes économies, en plus des remises en argent. Et vous pouvez aussi commencer à gagner des remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés, comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia, et même cumuler les ventes et les remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia. Et même cumulez les ventes et les remises en argent.

C'est facile à utiliser et vous obtenez vos remises par PayPal ou par chèque. L'idée est simple. Les magasins paient Rakuten pour leur envoyer des gens magasinés. Et Rakuten partage l'argent avec vous sous forme de remise. Téléchargez l'application gratuite Rakuten et ne manquez jamais un bon deal. Ou allez sur rakuten.ca pour en avoir plus pour votre argent. C'est R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends

and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And from a hotel in Clitheroe, I'm Alistair Beckett-King. Oh, Alistair, I hope you have ordered an extra duvet in that hotel because you are going to be chilled to the bone by the amount of ghosts. I can't wait, James. To your very bones, because there are so many ghosts in this story. Well, let us waste no further time, James. I'm going to introduce you to the many, many ghosts of Sanford Orcas.

Ooh, I mean, I'm not going to remember all their names. I'm terrible at that sort of thing. Don't worry. Don't worry. You'll recognise them. Before we start, James, you might have noticed that I sound like I'm in Clitheroe. Yeah, I was going to say there was some sort of... It was a bit roomy, bit Clitheroe-y. Bit Clitheroe-y, bit of echo, bit of Clither. I'm in a hotel room in Clitheroe. James, I know that you only like to

read the starts of words. I implore you. I implore you not to do that on this occasion. I'm in Clitheroe. And I was just doing a little folkloric roundup of Clitheroe as I went between the train station and the hotel where I now am. It was an extremely short walk. And basically all I found out is that they're putting up a folkloric statue to a mythical dog. But I can't find out where because the magazine Live Ribble Valley, a.k.a. Ribble Valley Live, doesn't have page numbers on it. So I can't work out. What? I can't find out anything about this dog.

I went past a news agency called Banana News. What's the latest? Unfortunately, it was closed. So I couldn't be like, come on, guys. What's the latest? Unfortunately, it was closed, so I couldn't be like, come on, guys, what's the news? These are the bananas. What about the spider eggs? Are they spider eggs all the way through the middle? Are they real spider eggs?

There's black bits. Can you eat them? Is that safe? There's a butcher's called Calman's Butchers, which raises questions, I think, that you don't want raised. I mean, the listener probably doesn't know because I never mentioned it, but I'm a vegan. But I would say if you go to a butcher's,

you probably want to be confident that a human, not a cowman, is serving you and that the human is serving cow and not the other way around. But Alistair, I didn't bring you here to have you tell me about your walk around in Clitheroe. You didn't? A town that i do need to read right to the very last letter i brought you here to tell you about sandford

orcas no we're not going to need a bigger podcast it's not a killer whale we're not in a free willy situation no sandford orcas is a village in Dorset since 1896. Of course it would. Since 1896. Because it was previously... Yeah, of course it would since 1896. It was previously in Cornwall, but there were changes in the past.

Yeah, I presume they moved the border line rather than the town. Oh, they moved the border rather than the town. Yes, of course they didn't move the town. But Sanford Orcas manor House is potentially the haunted-est house we've had on here in a while. And I include... Recently. Wow. I include Haddon Hall as well. Another sidebar, I watched Princess Bride with the kids the other day. Great. They enjoyed it as did i did they and it's shot in haddon hall so i got to see the inside of haddon hall but alistair sanford orcas manor house it not only is it haunted it's also on right move i think i believe i sent you a link earlier

yes i'm looking at it right now it's just it's but 4.2 million that's average for the southwest isn't it but alistair so with this story existing three time periods in a way if you want to follow along yourself go to google sanford orcas manor house for sale and you'll ruin your search history but you'll also find the right move site and you can have a look at the floor plan. There is lovely pictures of all the rooms that we're going to be talking about. And then the story also exists in the 1970s, which is when James Turner,

the author of Ghosts in the Southwest. I don't know what that font is, but I want it. Ooh, that's, yeah. I've never seen that before. Look how curly the S's are. It's a really, really 70s font. So he visited in October 1972, and he wrote all about it in Ghosts in the Southwest,

which I think is a distinction, perhaps for legal terms, for legal reasons. They're ghosts in the Southwest. They're not ghosts off the Southwest. So he went to Sanford Orcas, and he met with the then owner, Colonel Claridge, and also his wife. It was a quiet, still, perfect autumn day. It was, in fact, October 1972.

And as James Turner says here, although I listened to what the colonel was telling me, how he kept guinea fowl to frighten the foxes, I was conscious all the time of a splendid peacock strutting along a line of clipped yew trees and of the great Tudor house behind us. I was already prepared to see ghostly figures moving in the rooms and to hear screams of men murdered long ago.

So he's setting the scene here. Yeah. I'd like to say it was Chekhov's peacock, but as far as I recall, that peacock does not return to the story. But, yeah, follow along at home with the website. And when you hear this noise, you probably look at a different picture or something, or maybe it's your doorbell

he can do kernels he can do doorbells do a range of characters the taped book of the goonies that i had and then james turner goes on to explain a little bit about the history he has from an article from country life so arthur oswald wrote in Country Life in 1966 of the tenant farmers that had previously owned the manor house. Perhaps, sorry, perhaps you mean occupied rather than owned. Yeah, occupied, yeah. He sort of explains why these sort of houses were, they still looked like the past.

And it's basically, often the most enchanting Tudor houses proved to have been those that were deserted by the owners in the 18th century and turned into farmhouses. Although tenant farmers might not be the best custodians, they're unlikely to make more than minor alterations themselves. And most landlords would have been content

with the minimum of maintenance. So the house would remain unchanged. So basically that's why. That's why it still looks like the past. Lazy old landlords is the reason we have loads of beautiful historic houses because the landlords, the 18th century landlords, went off to live in some futuristic London pad with probably a dumb waiter.

Oh, yeah. And just left their tenant farmers in those stony houses with no insulation. A dumb waiter and a silly butler. And a lazy Susan. So a little later, Colonel Claridge asked me to come into the house, and I was made aware that he and his wife feel they have far more horrible things to deal with than foxes. Things which guinea fowl were no defence against. So, as James goes on, for virtually every room in this fine mansion is reputedly haunted by something or somebody.

Ghosts, one feels, have an enormous attachment to the splendid rooms and use the house as a kind of meeting place. It would seem impossible for any human being to put up fearlessly with what the Colonel and Mrs Claridge put up with,, they seem to make these phantoms welcome and are not afraid to any great degree of their visitors or of the possibility that bodies are walled up inside the house actually behind their own bed. Though this has not finally been proved, the thought alone is enough to drive sleep permanently away.

Now that is Chekhov's dead body walled up behind because that does come back into play later. Don't you worry. Oh wow, okay. Don't you worry. Colonel Claridge assured me that he had learned to take care of himself.

Whatever this might mean exactly, even at midday, the words were a kind of comfort. And he spoke about himself in the third person like that. Colonel Carridge has learned to take care of himself. Is that how he told it? He had learned to take care of himself. It is quoted.idge has learned to take care of himself. Is that how he told it?

He had learned to take care of himself. It is quoted. He has learned to take care of himself. I don't need a guinea fowl to protect Colonel Carridge. It's only the single quote marks. Single quote marks, are they more like it's a gist? I don't think so. I don't think there's a difference.

I think it's just a stylistic choice. It's just whether you can be bothered. But is Carron referring to himself then not some other farmer says however colonel clarendon assured me that he had learned to take care of himself yeah i think that must mean him because they were talking about the the sheer amount of ghosts and he is a colonel so you think udope would have the story of the haunt is kind of like a little tour with ghosts you know when you turn up at someone's house and they're like, oh, give him the tour.

Take your shoes off, first of all. Yes. And then you can have a look around. This is that, but with ghosts. Take your ghosts off. So they were standing in the porch of the house. And from there, the Claridges saw an old lady in a Macintosh coming through the small garden gate, cross the court, and disappear into the gate leading to the staff wing.

So far, so an old lady crossing a courtyard. A woman in a coat, yeah. Yes. Now, when you say disappear into, I want to be clear, we're talking about vanishing before their very eyes or going through a gate because how impressed I am entirely depends on which. Well, I think you're going to have use the the power of your imagination on that one because they don't elaborate any further apart from to say that later on in a garden shed they found hanging

that macintosh so it could easily have been an old lady visiting who forgot her coat yeah it's probably a woman wearing that Macintosh then. Like a ghost doesn't wear a coat. And then she forgot it. That's not a ghost coat. That's just a real coat, isn't it? That's standard coat fare. I've never been more confident that something wasn't a ghost than I am now.

Okay. Well, ghost number two, a horse ghost. Well, ghost number one, arguably. Carry on. The horse ghost. A visitor once said to one of the claridge's daughters who was leading two chestnut horses across the stable court again they don't elaborate but i'm assuming chestnut in color yes yes i'm sure given the rest of the story there the visitor said but i like the white one in the middle best and there were no white horses within miles that's

very hard yeah yeah That's very strange. I'm reading that in the modern times. I'm concerned that that's just a lech. I think, is that him chatting up the daughter, the one who was walking in the middle? Yeah, I think that's a really weird and poor attempt at chatting up. We don't know for certain that she was white,

but if she were, then that's what that is. That's clearly a pickup line yeah and a weird one a horrible creepy pickup line yeah okay so ghost number one in the dining room okay this is the third ghost number one we've had in the dining room which is the former kitchens follow along at home on the website oh Oh, the ghost of a kitchen. Here in there is seen a man, a man dressed in a long cloak and a black hat, looking across the room in the direction of the windows. And Claridge is certain that the man's from the 17th century

and was not looking out the windows. He was ogling the maids of the day. What? Yeah, very lechy. What's the matter with these ghosts? Ever so lechy. And James Turner remarks that it all seems very peaceful now. And the Colonel looks sideways and said, it's not by any means a peaceful house now. When we went upstairs, we entered, as it were, into a sliding scale of hauntings, getting greater and more horrible as we went on. Great. Good.

Are you ready? Yeah. Great, good. Are you ready? Yeah, yes, please. So, first of all, they're in the principal bedroom, which is dominated by a huge four-poster bed. If you're following along at home, I think this is the red room. Also a good spooky name. Mm-hmm. And this is the bed where the Claridges sleep.

Once a year, they are visited by a ghostly priest who is known to have murdered his master in this room. And another of the visitors is a servant who comes for seven nights every July at two o'clock in the morning. He too is reputed to have been a murderer. And these spectres stand beside the bed, glance down at the Claridges, and they just sort of don't do anything apart from look. So how do they know that they're murderers? It looks like it's a haunted room, this red room. It looks very haunted.

But how can you tell from looking at a ghost that it's the ghost of a priest who's a murderer? I don't know. Okay. These are the kind of questions I would have put to Colonel Claridge. Well, Claridge went on to describe how in September 1972, they were awakened by four heavy raps on the door. And just before Christmas 1970, I woke at 3.40 to find two hands putting a habit over the bed.

I assumed they were those of the monk who murdered his master and, who, as I've said, is a regular visitor. Probably recognised him, I guess. On the fifth octave, he points out the crucifix that was hung on the panelling outside the door of the room and continues, On the 5th of October 1971, the feast day of St Francis, patron saint of animals, I saw three cowled monks walk from this door here to the door by the bed at 7.30, just after I'd been down and come up with the morning tea. I called my wife's attention to them. Instantly, another three arrived. My dog attacked a black cowled monk in the doorway, and we often see a woman in black moving about the room from door

to window. We assume she is an old servant getting the room ready for guests. So there is, that is a lot of ghosts. I think that is- Yes, that's a ton of ghosts seven eight nine maybe ten if the monk putting the habit on the bed is not the same monk who murdered his master it's a lot of ghosts i have to say and i don't want to be a pedant but could be the same ghost what i was promised was a sliding scale of hauntings becoming more horrible as they went but they actually started out quite horrible and then became somewhat less horrible as they went. I don't think a lady preparing rooms is that horrible. Don't worry. There's plenty more ghosts where they came from. Are we sliding back up that scale? Okay.

So as James Turner says, more frightening than the many ghosts who visit the house was the theory that he's already alluded to, that behind the bed is a secret passage. And if you measure the wall behind the bed to the next bedroom, there's certainly enough space for one. Such a secret passage is nothing odd in a manor house of this age, but in that secret passage is likely to be the body of a boy who died there and was walled up by his mother. I think it's now, if you look at your map now,

that may have now been converted into an en suite. Oh, yes, yes. A very spooky en suite. Ooh, there's a shower in there. Mrs. Claridge even says that she often hears gassy noises from behind the bed. Such noises, her husband said, are due to a decaying body in a coffin. A little bit of a ghost.

It's a ghost, Margaret. A certain little ghost body. That's just the normal noise a decaying body makes in a coffin. And it's always when you have mutton. So, yeah, that's just the Red Room, and it's always when you have mutton so yeah that's just the red room and it's en suite well en suite now in then it was a secret passage oh i got confused they've got a garage and log store labeled and it says garage and log store and there's another room that says

apple store i thought there's no way they've got one of their own of course they mean for storing apples yeah it wouldn't be a so it's really small it's like it's like a meter square you can only have one nerd in there at a time you could barely fit a genius that's what they call them yes so he looks out the window and he looks across and down at the staff wing and james turner says what i think makes this part of the house more frightening is just this that it does lie below the main building a building of great style and length beyond and in the courtyard darkened by the height and weight of the house itself here in this wing i could believe in the darkest deeds and the most malicious of ghosts so every night between 10 and 11 o'clock a man

is seen to come from the gatehouse cross the small landing here and go into the staff wing he walks up and down at night and there's the sound of bodies being dragged about knocking noises and the whole building is penetrated by a smell of mortifying flesh that's probably the boy in the bloody Probably the boy in the bloody coffin again. The boy in the bloody coffin again, isn't it? Every night that happens. Every night. And you'd think they'd investigate,

because this sounds like... Do you remember the stories of the Scratching Fanny of Cotclane stories? I do recall. Where there was one that was clearly just a maid chucking stuff at her mistress. I do remember that, yes. This sounds like they need to look into it a little bit more.

And this ghost is supposed to be of a man about seven foot tall. He's terrifying. And he just, he frightens everyone in there. Okay. I was about to compare him to you. So maybe you don't want that. And then in this bedroom, looking down on the staff wing, the colonel told me a story of a young man who was judged to be insane

and kept locked up in a room in the wing of the house. And he was supposed to have murdered a kid at Dartmouth, but was only mad on moonlit nights. And so that was only when he was only locked up on moonlit nights. Other times he was free to wander about the village. Seems like a reasonable compromise. This sounds terrible. And his cries and screams can be heard across the courtyard.

I don't know what he's got to complain about. That's a very sweet deal for a murderer. It's a very light sentence. It's extremely lenient. And when the moon is up, the colonel went on, we hear the most fearful screams from the staff wing. Furthermore, only a fortnight ago, we heard the same screams in our bedroom for the first time.

Like, mate, look into it. Look into it. This seems... How is this place worth £4 million? Well, master bedroom bedroom or the main bedroom if you look on the map i think it's called it's the one above the great hall the great chamber bedroom which has got the another four poster bed in it this bed belonged to katherine of arragon when she was a kid very famous lady and obviously james asked the colonel because this

is much nicer bedroom so why why on earth he and his wife did not use this beautiful room as their bedroom oh because there's no dead little dead boy ghost doing farts that's why because all night and every night a man parades up and down in this room, his footsteps heavy and quite clear, we thought it better to use a room haunted only once a year, even if it is for a full week, rather than one haunted every night. Yeah, I mean, that's logical, although there are three or four other bedrooms that I could have tried.

It's a ten-bedroom house. For the week where the Red Room is haunted, they could have gone to the Solar Room bedroom. Yes, or the auntie's chamber. The gatehouse bedroom. That looks lovely. I'm not saying it isn't lovely, James. It's a very lovely house.

In this room, too, two ladies from London, on a visit to the house, saw an old lady sitting in that chair at the end of the bed. She turned out to be, from their description of her, a lady in a portrait matching the description, which is in a room that we do not show to the public. So it's the classic, some people came over, saw a ghost, which matched the picture of someone in a painting. They passed out of that bedroom through a panel door.

And then he describes, beyond us was a chained up room, the solar, over the cellars. Oh yeah, I'm following along on the map. So they're in like a little staircase-y area. Spiral staircase. Yes. It's called a floor plan. I keep saying map.

It's a little map. It's not a map. It's a cool map. I suppose it's a kind of a map. Yes. It's called a floor plan. I keep saying map. It's a little map. It's not a map. It's a cool map. I suppose it's a kind of a map. Yes. And well, on those stairs, it often is heard the rustling of silk skirts coming up the stairs and an old lady in a hand-painted red silk dress materialises. They call her the Red Lady. And the dress she is wearing was found in one of the attics.

Could be the same old lady, though. Yep, could be an old lady who just puts on and takes off various items of clothing as she goes. Just leaves them around the house. We keep this room, we keep the room chained up, the Colonel told me, because whenever we've shown anyone in... Is he Australian now? Yes, he's a grumpy Australian, Colonel.

That's where I learned to take care of myself. We keep this room chained up, because whenever we've shown anyone in, the next morning the entire contents are found to be, that went very Australian there, didn't it? The entire contents. Let me get back into it. These bloody solar rooms are right off. It's because it's the solar room.

It's ever since the sun in. You flaming galah, you went in the solar room. Oh, I thought you would have been put off by the guinea fowls. Because whenever we've shown anyone in, the next morning, the entire contents are found to be thrown on the floor, and the confusion is terrible. There must be poltergeists in there. When once a party of ghost hunters was here with infrared cameras,

they recorded, just here on these steps, three children and an old lady with a spinning wheel. They've got footage of that, have they? Three children, an old lady and a spinning wheel. A ghost of a spinning wheel. Well, that's very impressive. And also just a description of a better image of a ghost than anyone has ever produced in the history of everything.

So that's really, that's fascinating. There must be poltergeists in there. In the Great Hall on each 15th of September. So you follow along to the Great Hall. That in there is seen the ghost of the dog, Toby, that died in 1900 and is buried in the orchard. Sorry, I just spotted the flower arranging room. Oh, they've got, what?

It's the size of my flat. It's the size of my Apple store. We're going to have to open one of the Apple stores up to the public. A rumpf. Edward Noyle, who was a reasonably famous architect who altered the house is supposed to

haunt the great hall room standing before the windows looking out with his back on the Tudor fireplace and Jacobean screen I guess because

if he's an architect so he's looking to the future I think it's metaphorical that ghost yeah probably perving on the

mullion dwindles. Mrs Claridge, at this point, takes up the tour and took him to the staff wing, aka nursery wing. She too had terrible tales to tell of a visitor who visited the room that she was about to take him to and had been so frightened that it took him two hours to get over what he saw. Two hours.

And that's pre-Netflix. And in those days, this is the time when men were men, you know? So he would have had heaps, lashings of toxic masculinity. He wouldn't have been able to pop on a Netflix to take his mind off it. All he would have been able to look at is a Tudor fireplace or Jacobean screen. Or would that actually have made them

more easy to frighten? Like, you show them a Sudoku. He's patting, oh, what is it? It's blown my mind. Is that what they're called, Sudoku,

or is it Suduko? Sudoku. The young man went in that room, came rushing out, saying that someone was in there who was shouting

that he wanted to kill him. Mrs. Cloward shut and locked the door in a great hurry and they both ran from the building. That is quite scary, yeah. Could have been the Colonel, though, given my impression.

What, him as an Australian? Yeah. I want to kill you. I'm going to kill you so much. Colonel Claridge now passes Turner a glass of sherry before this next bit, because apparently it's so scary, he needs some liquor. So if you're following along, drink your sherry now.

And in fact, Turner does it. He does quite a nice, it's quite well plotted, like a Netflix series. We're in the kind of second last episode now, where it's like a random bit of a random. Well, he just goes, I was confused too. Was I talking to a human being or to a ghost

Colonel and Mrs. Claridge looked solid and friendly but by now so saturated was I with happenings that it would not have surprised me if they too had melted away

spoiler alert they're not ghosts but it is your classic second last like hint of a twist but nah nah sounds like they're guinea fowl they're three each three guinea fowl And it is your classic second last like. A hint of a twist, but nah. Sounds like they're guinea fowl.

They're each three guinea fowl. Yeah. In his and her safari suits. So they go up the wooden staircase to the long stonewalled corridor running the whole length of the wing. Can't really work this bit out on the map. I think it's the other building, the outbuildings. At the end, Mrs. Claridge unlocked the door in which there was a shuttered grill. You go on in.

I won't, if you don't mind. Oh. And he goes in. And yeah, this is, it's all made up to a bit like a cell in there. There's thick wooden walls built inside. All I saw was the iron bedstead and the dust. It was obvious that it had not been used for many years and that at one time it was in fact a prison

here at the end of the passage. I think now, if you're following along with the map, I think that might be the home office slash music room. I thought it was on the upper floor. I thought we were talking about the sitting room on the first floor. I think it's the outer buildings. Oh, it could be, yeah. Could be the sitting room on the first floor. Because it it's the outer buildings. Oh, it could be, yeah.

Could be the sitting room on the first floor. Because it's got that long corridor, hasn't it? The first floor of the... Oh, it does, yeah. Yeah. Of one of the outer buildings. Oh, they've got a proper studio as well, a music room. If you look at the way the doors are, that's like a proper music studio.

And as he goes on to say, as for the smell of mortifying flesh, supposed to fill the entire wing, I did not smell it. Nor, for that matter, did anything come at me saying it wanted to kill me. So not too bad. He's not had the worst time. A little bit cheeky there. Yeah. He'd been a little bit cheeky.

And then Mrs. Claridge kind of comes to collect him, and he followed her down the long passage and asked her what was in the other rooms. And she replies, we keep them all locked. And I mean, you've seen what the bedroom is like that they sleep in. That's just got a minimum nine ghosts in it. So what is going on in those outhouses? How many ghosts must there be in the rooms they don't even use? Yeah.

That they keep locked because too scary. Mm. Yeah. So, Alistair, I hope you enjoyed that little tour of Sanford Orcas Manor House. I did. I did. So then, to the scores? Yes.

Yeah. Great. All right. Category one, names. Names. Sanford Orcas. Sanford Orcas. Sanford Orcas. Not as exciting.

It's not named after killer whales. A little disappointing that they aren't. It's not a killer whale. No, it's some like old family whose name sounds a little bit like, it's like Orcasley or something. And then it's obviously changed over time. And there was a Ford there with some sand in it. Oh, okay.

By which I mean a small place that you could cross a river, not a car. Not a car. What about the Colonel? His name was pretty good. Colonel Claridge. Colonel Claridge. Good, solid fellow. Yes, take care of himself.

Sorry, I'll go to that again, but grammatically. He takes care of himself, looks after the wife, pegs out probably about 43, I think, 43, 44. Straight up heart attack. No messing around. Mrs. I think. 43, 44. Straight up heart attack. No messing around. Mrs. Claridge. Good old boy. She'll keep going. She's probably still there.

She's probably the lady who wears all those different coats. To be fair, Colonel Claridge does lease the house from Sir Christopher Medleycutt. Numerous unnamed ghosts. Arthur Oswald. Fine. I mean, the names are fine. Catherine of Aragon,

one of the top people of Aragon, I think, in our history. James Turner. James Turner. I'm afraid the names... In fact, the lack of names is one of the problems because how do we know

that these people did all of these things if we don't know who they were? That's the... Yeah, that's my objection did all of these things if we don't know who they were? Yeah, that's my objection to many of these ghosts. So I'm afraid it's going to be a two out of five for names. Yeah. All right.

All right. One for Colonel, one for Claridge. Fair enough. I'm happy with two, to be honest. I've got no... Really? I thought I was going with quite a low bid there, but you've just accepted the offer. Yeah.

Yes. If a listener comes in now with a three and gazumps me, I'm going to be furious. Okay, category the second then, Supernatural. I didn't warm to Colonel Claridge. I don't trust him. I don't believe him. I don't believe him. I don't think he's a reliable.

Why would he lie? Interlocutor? Is that how that's pronounced? Interlocutor? I don't know. I've only seen it written down, and I've only read the first five letters. However cynical I would like to be about this,

there's absolutely tons of ghosts. Yeah. If I strike down every ghost I can, if I'm as ungenerous as possible, we're still talking 15 or 16 ghosts. And one farting colonel. Yeah. And one colonel with a little tummy trouble.

So it's got to be five. It's got to be five. I don't want it to be five, but it is. Well, because I think all those nine... Even though nothing happened. They just went into a room. Hooded monks. They're all... five got to be five i don't want it to be five but it is well because i think all those nine even though nothing happened they just went into a room hooded monks they're all basically they all fit the same mo apart from there's now you've given me you've settled on the five i can debunk

my own ghosts well actually i think there are five there's three cowled monks who are just messing around in the bedroom and then they spend the rest of their time in the other bedroom but there's only three of them and he's just miscounted. Him doing a trump which he's blamed on the poor innocent

body of a dead boy on the poor innocent secret passage slash en suite and then there's the woman who's going around just dressing up just playing dress up that's not a ghost that's definitely not a ghost that's just a woman

that's just a woman that's not a ghost okay fair enough okay then i'm glad you've already settled on this score because there's only two three maybe and then my own bespoke category is, first of all, I'm going to say how the other half after live. Yes, you've appealed to me because you know I was feeling resentful about how massive their house is and how affordable council tax is, even when you live in a massive house. So I was I was ready to be resentful. But then and then you topped it off with a beautiful bit of wordplay. So how many that's got to be. That's got to be in score. resentful but then and then you you topped it off with a beautiful bit of wordplay so how how how many that's got to be that's got to be in score band i mean yeah well i mean we're looking in the four to five area i think it's a five it's a five it's a five yes yes in in in this market, it's a fun. It's a scorer's market. So I'm going to quote from old Charlie Dickens,

Chucky Dicks, for this final category. An undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of the grave about you, which is probably probably the longest the second longest category name but it's a quote from a christmas carol and it's how scrooge tries to debunk the ghost of his old friend marley yes no marley marley yeah jacob marley i think there's two of them because of the cartoon there's only one yeah yeah in the book

there's only one so that's uh that's the um that's the category uh an undigested very well chosen yes very good just a bit of beef the so the entire quote is the category yes more of the gravy than the grave i think there is more of gravy than the grave with regard to some of the noises that mrs claridge was hearing. Yes. I'm afraid I've already rendered my verdict. I've already said that it's five out of five for supernatural. So I can't really now give all the points to a category that says that they aren't really ghosts and are a product of poor digestion. But, but.

No matter how weighty a literary quote you present this category in the form of. Dan, what about if I half remembered another quote about smart people can have two opposing thoughts in their head at the same time? That sounds like nonsense. Nope. Or is it? Is it? You nearly got me. You nearly got me. You nearly got me.

No, I'm afraid the score for this category, James, is going to be the number of Marley ghosts in that scene from Christmas Carol. Muppet Christmas Carol? Muppet Christmas Carol. Yes. So it's a two for Marley and Marley See? Loads of ghosts Yeah, that was a lot of ghosts

It was loads of ghosts Yes, it was, it was At the minimum there was still a load James, I think we're going to need a record scratch here Thank you. Because it's time for a couple of plugs.

Today, my book comes out, Mystery at the Manor. It's possible legally to purchase it in the United Kingdom. So, have at it if you're into mysteries for the 8-12 demographic. If they've listened to this episode, they'll like Mysteries in Manors.

Though I imagine yours a little more cohesive, probably a little bit more fleshed out characters. Yes. Well, you know, we'll read it and find out. There isn't an Apple store. Also, the Midnight Library crossover episode is released on the Midnight Library's feed, and that's got a little bit of extra stuff about how we were lured, or magicked, rather, to the Midnight Library originally.

Plus, the Quantum Mechanics podcast have released their episode of Stonewatch 2024. Stonewatch 2024. I don't actually... That's not the jingle. Oh, are you sure? I'm just pitching that as the jingle. Yes, that's out, which documents our visit to some Oxfordshire standing stones to see if they really did go down to the stream for a drink at midnight on Midsummer's Eve.

Ooh, I'll have to listen to find out. Oh, yeah, I mean, yeah, I'll have to listen to find out. I think you would have mentioned it to me. Yeah, it would have been said. If you had seen find out I think you would have mentioned it to me yeah it would have been said if you had seen a stone moving you would have mentioned it because I'd have found a load of treasure

because that's what's supposed to be under there oh yeah I would have been browsing for 10 bedroom manor houses on right move maybe that is

what happened there join us on the Patreon for plenty of bonuses and thank you very much to Joe for editing thank you Joe thank you you for listening and thank you to all our Pat for editing. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, you for listening.

And thank you to all our Patreons for already being our Patreons. Thank you very much. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Very much so. Or the worst superhero.

Cowman. Cowman. All the powers of a cow. Speed of a cow. Height of a cow. The ability for people around him to tell whether it's going to rain soon.