Loremen Podcast - 'Tween Season Bonus!

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

Its still the 'tween times and the LoreBoys are on their winter break. But fear not! Here is a wealth of bonus bits from the last year to keep your earholes warm! If you would like these bonuses and access to the LoreFolk Discord you can join the LoreFolk here... patreon.com/loremenpod AND ALSO Join us LIVE in Leicester on the 9th February 2025 (2025): comedy-festival.co.uk/events/loremen-live Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Welcome to the series break episode of Lawmen, the podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of your with me, James Shake Shove and me, Alistair Beckett King. And we're still on our holidays. So here's a little treat of some of the bits of bonus episodes. This is great stuff. What if I wanted to hear it more like all the time and get bonus episodes all the time? Alistair, you simply need to go to patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod or use your memory because you were involved in all the recordings. Yeah, I was there.

I just remember that would be great because then people can support the podcast that we make, give us a little bit of money and in return get all this bonus content and hop into the discord to chat with like-minded lawful. That's exactly right. Have a listen. Shake Shelf Life Hack Time. Whoa.

Okay. Re-broccoli. Mm-hmm. Keep it in a cup of water. Broccoli? It's a flower. Is it? Have you got a wilting broccoli?

How do you know? How did you know? So about the tone of your voice. Are you a Dr. James? Chop the end off and put it in a cup of water and it firms right up. The rest of the broccoli, not the end, I assume. Yeah, just like the floret. Just chop a pound coin's thickness off the stalk.

And the broccoli will fluid back up. It'll firm back up. It's a up. Yeah. It's a flower. Yeah. What? It's a flower. I know you're saying it, but I don't believe it in my heart.

I know. I mean, it's not the cornerstone of a great bouquet, but it is a flower. Could you give a broccoli? Is there any situation where giving flowers is acceptable, where a broccoli would pass muster? Definitely not a funeral. Unless it was of one of the producers of Bond. Unless it was a Jimmy Bond funeral.

But they're fat. I mean, I'm repeating, I'm now repeating something I learned from Steve Coogan's character in 24 hour party people, the broccoli family invented broccoli. Yep. I have also heard that. Yeah. I believe it's reasonably true. I Googled it and it was like, sort of.

Yeah, kind of. In a way. Like hundreds of years ago. Fair play to them though. Imagine being handed a cauliflower and thinking I can do better. This should be green. Not acceptable. But I guess a cauliflower is a flower as well.

And the same hack would work on that, but I don't think I've ever seen a limp cauliflower. Yeah, I haven't looked in my fridge. Some very elderly cauliflower. But honestly, have you got some broccoli? Are you asking me to do it now? Put it in by the end of the record. If you do have some, put it in overnight. You don't even need to put it in the fridge.

You can just leave it out. Like, like you do think it is a decent bouquet. Bucket. Well, the welcome return, the welcome return of the Shakespeare life hack there. Yes. You're very welcome. Wow.

Wow. I think, yeah, the one thing I learned from TIE was from, I actually, have I spoken before about my harrowing TIE memories? I, I don't think you have. Not as a jobbing actor, as an audience member. Oh, I see. Sorry, I thought you were talking about it from the actor's point of view, because it's got to be worse for them.

I don't think I've ever, as with spiders. How are you? I mean, you're going to have to work pretty hard to be being lied to about Palmer Violets, but go ahead. It's not a lie. It was a play about not speeding in your car. And I can't remember anything about the play apart from the person goes to jail and gets boiling water thrown over him. Boiling water? The little, I mean, this actually probably works. This is horrible. It haunts me is that they, he, he says that they put

sugar in it so it would stick to him. And that's absolutely haunted me. That's syrup. That's, that's ridiculous. Why would, why, how, how are they boiling the water in prison? This isn't Goodfellas. What is this some kind of confectionary Goodfellas? Maybe it was the Swizzles factory. Even the Swizzles Matlow prison. What the hell are they? What's going on? He's inventing palmar violets in there. He's making prison palmar violets. And that's how Michael Faraday makes palmar violets in prison. You've got to chop the palmar real fine. And then the other one was about Chernobyl, and that was also horrible.

And yeah. Chernobyl? What's the use of warning kids in Oxfordshire about don't do a Chernobyl? Don't? Well, you never know. Some of these kids might have gone on to manage a power station. Maybe. You never know. Yeah, yours is a bit more disturbing actually.

Yeah. I imagine Tesla did the wham. It's like the really flat one. The wham bar was the one with, it was a flat one. It had little sort of dots of like hard sugary sherbet-y bits in it. And it was in my... Classic Tesla. To my mind, it was also known as the tooth remover.

Oh. Because you bite it and then stretch it out and plink, plink, plink, plink, plink. All your milk teeth coming right out there. That's a cool pound coins worth. I think again, because I did actually do that and a tooth came out and I didn't realize and then I chewed the tooth with my other teeth. Oh, you chewed your own tooth with your teeth. And eagle-eared listeners will realize that has happened to me twice in my life. Oh, like in Lord of the Rings.

I don't know. I've not seen it. Sorry, what? I think I've seen them, but I've not really paid attention to them. I don't really like Lord of the Rings, the Lords of the Rings. Well, neither do I, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen the films dozens of times. What do you- Do you mean the bit when they hide behind the tree? Yes, it's very famous because it's a callback to the older one, I think.

Oh, is it? I liked the- It's a callback to the animation. I like the Book of the Hobbit. I'm not watching that film, thank you. It happens again in The Wilder People, the Taiko Waititi film. And flight of the concords. This is such a good opportunity for a low budget horror film.

Oh yeah. Big slug. Big slug. I think we'd spoil. I don't know whether to call the episode, the high peak slug, but I think that might spoil the reveal. No, I think he, I don't think we want people knowing it's a slug. I think actually it might scare people off because it's too impressive, but I will use

the slug as the graphic to give people a little taste of what's to come. It'll be like Jaws. People will be saying the children have been mauled in the, in the cabbage patch and the mayor will insist on keeping the cabbage patch open because it's the basis of the local economy. It's the Fourth of July weekend. We gotta let the people roam the cabbages. Oh, it's a meat-eating slug. Oh, what? The podcast is just devolving into us remembering scenes from George's previous episodes. devolving into us remembering scenes from George. And previous episodes.

Swizzle's Ass Inn, Swizzle's Matlow. Yes. The perhaps not internationally renowned sweets manufacturer that we were referring to earlier in the episode. That my wife's uncles worked for, by the way, it turns out. Oh, I didn't realize there was a family connection. They had Saturday jobs there at the Swizzle's factory when they were kids. Silly uplay! Massive slugging way! I don't know the accent of doing Yorkshire, sorry. We're getting reported for slugs in sector three? According to

mother-in-law, they used to come back with big football-sized pieces of toffee, sweepings. They weren't allowed to take anything off the line, but if they pick it up off the floor, they can have it. Oh, they can have as much floor food as they want. Exactly, oh yeah. And just to end the episode out, would you like to hear a list of other Swizzles products? Well, yes. Yeah. We're not getting paid by Swizzles, are we? No. All right. Well then read them in a sarcastic voice.

Mr. Chews.? No. All right. Well then read them in a sarcastic voice. Mr. Tewes. Rubbish. Rainbow dust. Heteronormative. Fun gums. Fruity pops. Climpies. That isn't real.

Climpies. Climpies. Climpies. Climpies. And my final favourite, banana skids. Climbs and my final favorite banana skids. I think I saw them play when I was at university. Are they supporting not Johnny Ball?

Johnny Ball! Hey, you didn't explain this! Because his show was called Johnny Ball explains it all. You know that and you know, the summer I haircut is a similar thing. It's like, it's basically you shave yourself into male pattern baldness. Just to make it seem like it was your idea. I just think this, these haircuts were invented by an insecure man who was balding and then he was like, actually, this is one of the best haircuts ever when you don insecure man who was balding. And then he was like, actually, this is one of the best haircuts ever when you don't have any hair on top.

This is the most wise and most powerful of haircuts. It's beautiful and it's honorable. And it shows you're good at karate and all sorts of stuff. Keep it long at the back though. Come on. We still want to show ourselves in some way. I don't know if this is relevant. My partner, Rachel, we were in the conversation yesterday. She didn't know that baldness only affects the top of your head. She thought people wear beard bald as well. But why every bald man you know has a massive beard. And she's like, I don't know. I guess maybe if you're Yeah, that's my backup plan. Because I don't know, I don't know if my hair is long for this world, but at least I know

that this, like this is a test run for when I go bald in one to three years. That's just a little pension. You're going to go for an ultimate comb over. I could comb it up and out like this, but then it would, then it would reveal I have no chin. Cause that's, you know, that know, that's where it actually is. Oh, I assume you had an absolutely gigantic chin. Yeah, I mean, yeah, mine's on my way out

and I am constructing my backup plans. I'm getting into caps, trying to make it seem organic. Like, oh, he's always been into caps. Maybe you should get into being a monk. He's always been a samurai. He's always been into being a samurai. Did you, I mean, are you the kind of person into being a monk. He's always been a samurai. He's always been into being a samurai. Did you, I mean, are you the kind of person

who would have katanas and Japanese swords on your wall as a teenager, James? Or are you prepared to admit that? They didn't exist, we were too, yeah. No, I would have loved them, but no. But no, I would have loved them. You know, this is definitely for the bonus, but Hannah's dad used to sell martial arts equipment and he knows how to use nunchucks.

He gave the kids a nunchuck demonstration last summer. To me, because nunchucks were regarded as the most dangerous thing a child could see when I was a kid. They were literally illegal for children to see them in this country. One thing I do know about the UK, that the teenage mutant ninja turtles, they were the hero turtles, and Michelangelo traditionally had the nunchucks,

but he was not allowed in the UK. He had a flute or something, I don't know. He just didn't contribute to the team. He was the party dude. He was just on vibes. That's right. I'm glad that's the one thing you know about the UK. If we're remembered for nothing else as we drift into obscurity, it should be over sensitivity to hero turtle antics. Sorry,

ninja antics. I can't call them ninja turtles. It sounds wrong. It's like not calling a bridge P-Royd bridge. I used to have a wallet on a chain. Did you? I did. And it was in my trousers that were stolen when I went for a night swim on holiday. With your dad? A late night swim jog.

A late night triathlon. Yeah. And I just always imagined the robbers running away with my trousers and the wallet falling out and I'm going, oh no, drop the wallet. Oh, it's alright, it's on the chain. Yes, that's very convenient. I've never used a bechained wallet since. The new metal chain wallet helps a thief.

I was a later boy. I said, see you later, boy. To your own trouser and wallet. To my own, to the people that robbed my clothes. Do you think that they wanted the trousers then rather than your wallet? Oh, maybe, yeah, maybe it's the other way around. They grabbed the wallet and they're like, ooh. I do not think that maybe they wanted the wallet, but because it was attached to the trousers, they had to take the trousers too. Ooh, some brown baggy cords. Aren't we lucky?

These trouser thieves have really looked out. By the way, Alistair, did you do that sort of mad stuff at school? Maypole dancing and that? Dance around a pylon? No, I don't associate maypoles with the North of England at all. I don't remember ever seeing a maypole in my childhood. Did you ever have a lesson at school called country dancing? I think we did line dancing in PE. Like the Americans? Yeah, in the American thing, yeah. We didn't do any traditional English dancing. At the peak of Cotton-Eyed Joe?

Yeah, we literally danced to Cotton-Eyed Joe, yes. Of course you do, it was the only song to line dance to. And I'll never forget the lyrics. Yeah, I did a Cotton-Eyed Joe, a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Cotton-Eyed Joe. I don't know if that's a sync issue, but that is one of the most terrifying noises. It's like, if you ever, you know, on a capture, if you ever clicked, like have an audio version of a capture, you know, when you like got to put the letters that are in there, there

is a version, if you click the audio, that's what it sounds like. It's like five people speaking at once, singing, got a night to Joe, the remix, not the original. The original is quite a sad country song because it's about sexually transmitted diseases. Is it? Oh, yeah. That's what that is. That's why he would have been married long time ago if it hadn't been. It hadn't rotted. I understand. Yeah. I understand. But the remix is about sexually transmitted diseases, but yeah, let's all get one. Yes. The nineties. Did you have any country dancing lessons? May so. Are there any traditional Aussie dances? I know there is one, isn't there? It's that Tina Turner one. It's the nut bush. That's correct. We all dance to the nut bush

for some reason. I've personally never done it. I'm quite proud that I've never gotten on the dance floor for that. It involves the knees, doesn't it? Yes. And then you dance for a little bit. Everybody gets, it's similar to a line dance. Everybody gets out on the dance floor in a sort of a grid and everybody sort of dances and does some various moves and everybody then suddenly turns 90 degrees to one side and then they all dance that way and then they turn around.

Yeah, but it's, I bet there's a Wikipedia page for it or a series of investigative videos, but I don't know why it's that song. A folding idea is deep dive. Yes, exactly. And I don't understand who developed it. I mean, it must have been a school thing, right? Like it's a teacher in the 70s or the 80s or whatever that song came out and they needed something for the kids to do. And then they just did that. And then it's just now it's adults doing that. So I don't know. I think the thing with line dancing and all that kind of dancing is you don't have to dance with someone else. So sort of homophobic cowboy types can have a little dance in a log cabin without anything getting to, you know, looking anyone in the eye, having any human contact whatsoever.

And obviously, you know, in schools, it's advantageous to not have the kids actually touching each other. so we line dance. I didn't know that Cotton Eye Joe was about sexually transmitted diseases, but you've reminded me because there's a whole line of songs like Streets of Laredo and St. James Infirmary back to a ballad, I think, called The Unfortunate Rake, which are all about, which are all ostensibly about someone who has who is dying or has died. But the implication is they've died because of the syphilis and the person who is singing is sad because that means they've probably got syphilis. The sifo, the sifo, it's one of the worst things

you can get. Yeah, they take the old sifo out of the songs. There's no cure. Yeah, I believe. I don't know. Because in the streets of Laredo, it's a There's no cure. Yeah. I believe. I don't know. Because in the streets of Laredo, it's a cowboy wrapped up in white linen, I think, which was the treatment. A white Mercury, I think, was the treatment for Cifo. Yes, Mercury. I remember hearing about that.

Yeah. Yeah. The original lyrics for the Men at Work song, Land Down Under, they made a man from Brussels and he's six foot four and he's full of Cifo. But they had to change that. He's riddled with... Riddled with gonorrhea. But gonorrhea doesn't rhyme with anything.

One for every Castle Main X. Oh nice. The Castle Main's X. Do you even have... Is that really an Australian brand or is that like? I know, I think it does exist. Yeah, that's real. You don't seem pleased.

I'm sure you guys know, but Foster's, that's, I mean, it's a real beer, but nobody drinks that. That's not real. What? I can't, really? But the adverts, they're all set in Australia. Are we being miss-sold lager? Have I been miss-sold lager? Have I been miss-sold lager in the mid 2020s?

You've been miss-sold lager. Yeah. That's exactly right. Furious I was. When you were naming the different stones, and you were saying the King and the Knights, I was going to say Dave,, Dozy, Biki, Mick and Titch. And then I was wondering why are they in my mind? And it's because I did a

gig at the Reading Hexagon and one of the other things that was playing there was the sensational 60s experience. And there's just something slightly sad about the sign because it promises Dozy, Biki, Mick andIntich. That's not all of them. Toby I've heard people say those words all in a row. Will That is really the extent of my knowledge. But seeing it without all the names, I don't know if it's a death, is it a breakup? I don't know enough about the band. Are they real? Are they real people or are they puppets?

I think they're real, they're not like Clangers, James. Yeah, they're real people with feelings. Hopefully don't listen to this podcast. Yeah, we probably, I probably won't go into what I thought they were then. I thought they were like Trumpton or something. I think you've confused Dave Dee, Dozy, Biki, Mick and Titch with Hugh Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub. Right. Okay. I mean, you can see why, right? Is that your fault? No, it's not. It's not. Who can blame you? Imagine if Hugh Pugh left, got a solo career, doing whatever it was he did in Trump's time. Was he a fireman?

We'd become a freelance firefighter. Is he disrupting the firefighting industry? Thank you for correctly using the politically correct term firefighter, not fireman. No, honestly, that's... I was raised on fireman Sam back in the unenlightened days. I think he's still called Fireman Sam. It's not his surname. The name's Sam, Fireman Sam. No, that'll be his first name. The name's Fireman Sam Fireman. Is Fireman Sam called Sam Fireman? If you know, please write in.

Yes. It's because we live on the same street as a fire station and the kids were big into fire engines and so on were big into fire engines and so on. Yep. So I also know it in Japanese as well, but also... What's fireman Sam in Japanese? Oh, I don't know that. I just know a fire engine is a Shaw Borscher. So we'd call it... I pronounce that badly. I can never remember how to pronounce it badly. Joe, in the end, could you make that better Japanese pronunciation, please? So we live near the Shaw-Borsher house. And there's a mixture of firefighters, summer male, summer women. Summer male and summer women. That's how you use those words.

Yep, that's how we would say that probably. Yeah, summer men, summer women. If you want to be accurate, which I do, you've got to say firefighters. And rightly so. And you should treat firefighters with respect in just the same way you would the fairy folk. Or are they the mines where people dig up alarms? Oh yes. They're probably not that. dig up alarms.

Oh, yes. They're probably not that. No, like a rich seam of, it's quite difficult. I imagine it's quite difficult to excavate alarms because if you attack anything with a pickaxe, you're very likely to break the glass. Hmm. Yeah. And you've, you've used that alarm. The deeper you get, they start out digital and then further down, they

become like tees maids And then below that, your classic cartoon, one with the legs and the two little bells, yeah. And below that is just the emotional feeling of alarm. Yeah, oh yeah. You've just got to the original source. I thought they might be Sonic Minds though. You know, there's that weapon, the sound gun that makes you poo yourself. From the Hedgehog. Oh wait, no. When you said Sonic Minds. No, you've distracted me completely with the weapon that makes you poo yourself. Yeah, I don't think that's in Sonic the Hedgehog the video game. I don't remember him. I haven't played them all. I know they go downhill. Curse you Robotnik slash Mr. Egg, or whatever it is that you're called these days.

Eggman. Whatever it is those awful teens call you. Eggman? That's a terrible name compared to Dr. Robotnik. I don't think I've ever seen Sonic the Hedgehog poo himself, no matter what Robotnik threw at him. No matter how long you left the controller. Although maybe when he's going...

After you've defeated him, maybe that's what's happening to Eggman. Just as before all those animals jump out. Yeah, where were the animals? Had he eaten them? I can only assume yes. The reason we don't notice him pooing is the sounds of the explosions. Cover it. Oh yeah.

Maybe. It's, I was, you know, those guns do exist though, don't they? I think. I, I was gonna say I've heard of them, but I think maybe from you, it feels like, I mean, putting yourself seems like a reasonable response to being threatened by any weapon. And it's like a specific frequency. Right. The poop frequency. Yes. I think it is called brown noise. It's called brown noise.

I don't think I'm joking. I know brown noise is a thing, but I don't know if it has a physiological effect on a person. You know when someone scrapes a knife on a plate and your maiden aunt goes, oh, that noise goes right through me. Like, not as bad as this mate. It's that, but worse. It could be worse. I think that is just lantern. I know it's spelled Lant Horn, but...

This is why I was removed from the production of Midsummer Night's Dream. Or at least demoted. What did you get demoted from and to? The man in the moon, which is one of his, has some of my favorite lines. When he talks about I'm the man in the moon, this is my lantern, this is my dog. It's just, it's just very funny. It's just very well timed. Yeah.

He just says what we're all thinking. Exactly. I think, I think people thought that the lantern derived from horn, the horn of the lant. Oh, a lant horn, not a thorn. Not a lant thorn. Because the, you know, like the pains in lanterns would, I think, have been made from thin bits of horn at some point. Right.

But that's not the etymology of lantern. And so there was no need to spell it like that. I thought it was because it was a thorn, because you would experience pain if you put your finger in the flame in the same way as if you'd pricked it on a thorn. So there's, those are some of the same words, but said all wrong. That was an unexpected detour into etymology corner. It was. Which I didn't check any of that. So if that's wrong, sorry.

That's your fault. It's on you, the listener. That's partly my fault. Sorry. That's your fault. It's on you, the listener. That's partly my fault. I, like a guy watching a Joker film, identify with Greedy Jack and now base my personality on him. A dangerous but loyal man.

I'm going to get a tattoo and maybe a t-shirt and a Peaky Blinder. But there's going to be a Greedy Jack too, which is going to make you look quite foolish. I haven't seen Joker or Joker 2. I've seen Joker 1, it's very depressing. I don't know, I've just, I've seen Tactical Driver and I've seen King of Comedy. And you're not into comic books? The Batman series from the 60s, which was very entertaining, and Batman the animated series. Do I need to see Joker? No.

I've read the Killing Joke and I didn't like it. No, I mean, it's not even like that one. It's a bit like, it's like, it is, that's the thing. When they do it in comic books, when they make comic books and graphic novels like films, that's interesting because comic books and graphic novels aren't films. But when they make comic books and graphic novels like films, that's interesting because comic books and graphic novels aren't films. But when they make film versions of those things, it's not very interesting because films are already films. So there's not really- No one ever says of a film, oh, it was very cinematic. Yeah, exactly. It was just like a film that. Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit meh. And then apparently, Joker 2 Folly-a-doo,

I've not seen, but apparently. Sorry, I've just not heard anybody pronounce it like that. And I think I never will hear anyone pronounce it like that ever again. And it basically says- Joker 2 Folly-boogaloo. It says to the audience that liked the first film, you got it wrong, you don't understand the film. Yeah, you people are fools that liked the first film, you got it wrong. You don't understand

the film. Yeah. You people are fools for liking the first film. And I think Quentin Tarantino likes it. Oh, well. Because it's a big two fingers up to the film industry or something. I don't know. Anyway, probably put that bit in the bonus joke. Maybe, maybe that's bonus. Do you think FaeFoke have mp3 listening devices?

Yes, I imagine they'd be slightly, slightly out of date. So I imagine they'd probably be listening to it on a classic iPod. Or a Zune. Perhaps some kind of zip disk. Perhaps a zip disc. Would they burn it to a mini disc? Maybe a mini disc. And in fact, that might have been what I was thinking of when I said zip disc. It makes way more sense that you would listen to music on a mini disc player. In the morning, it just leaves. It is an actual Apple with a pair of headphones stuck into it.

Oh yeah, a real apple with an actual little bite out of it. But your headphone... Oh, these apples these days don't even have a headphone port on them. I know. They're just fruit. It's ridiculous. It's really irritating. How are you supposed to charge them?

How are you supposed to listen to them and charge them at the same time? Is it Ribble Valley time. The magazine. I could be live Ripple Valley. Yes. Or it could, I thought it'd be a rebel Valley live, but that sounds like a radio station. It looks like a rebel Valley live, but like a 90s standup DVD.

Yeah. Like rebel. This is rebel Valley's live DVD and that's them there in the sunglasses. This is rebel Valley too hot for TV. Oh, are they a Jethro type? Yeah, yeah, sort of swap a VHS with the other dads. Oh dear, you know what the Tame magazine is called?

Untamed? No. That's what I call it. No. They call it Tame Out. Tame Out, that's really good. That's really good. It's better than Untamed, which suggests slightly sauciness. No. They call it tame out. Tame out. That's really good. That's really good.

It's better than untamed which suggests slightly sauciness. Yeah, that might be the, yeah, the dogging leaflet. No, tame out, which is good, but does not obviously work in the local accent. Only works if you're a visiting Scotsman. Tame out. Tame out. Yeah, it works. Oh, is that Northern Irish?

Have I gone Northern Irish? I don't know. Well, neither of those places are the places I want to tell you about Alistair. Before we start, James, you might have noticed that I sound like I'm in Clitherow. Yeah, I was going to say there was some sort of clip. It was a bit roomy, bit Clitherow-y. Bit Clitherow-y, bit of echo, bit of Clither. I'm in a hotel room in Clitherow.

James, I know that you only like to read the starts of words. I implore you. I implore you not to do that on this occasion. I'm in Clitherow and I was just doing a little folkloric roundup of Clitherow as I went between the train station and the hotel where I now am. It was an extremely short walk and basically all I found out is that they're putting up a folkloric statue to a mythical dog. But I can't find out where because the magazine live River Valley,

AKA River Valley live, it doesn't have page numbers on it. So I can't work out what I can't find out anything about this dog. I went past a news agents called banana news. What's the latest. That's unfortunately it was closed. So I couldn't be like, come on guys. What's the, what's the latest? So that's, unfortunately it was closed, so I couldn't be like, um, well, come on guys, what's the news? These are the bananas.

What about the spider eggs? Are they spider eggs all the way through the middle? Are they real spider eggs? There's black bits, can you eat them? Is that safe? Which is the correct way to open it? We don't know. I've, an internet video told me I've been opening bananas wrong,

but I didn't click it. So now I just live with doubt. Oh, I can tell you how wrong you are. Have I, is this a Shake Shave life hack? I think it's a chimpanzee life hack, to be honest. You know, you think you'd grab the handle. Yes. And pull back.

The banana handle. The banana handle, no. Not only would I think that, that is what I do, James. You invert it and you get to the nipple end. You pinch that nipple. We're still talking about banana here. Just come and it all comes apart. We're still talking about bananas.

It sounds terrible. Yeah. So that was well, I didn't expect you to actually have banana news. Great stuff. Well done. Did did it did it did it did it. That but played on a banana. But that would have been...

For the benefit of the listener, I don't actually have a banana. That was just my impression of what it would sound like to hit a banana. That's good. And in about an hour, it would also be there in Braille, not Braille, just dots, just sort of smudges. Wow. Yeah. A spy could leave a message, couldn't they, by scratching it into a banana? And when you check the room, it's not there, but then it emerges. Yes.

At a later time. Wow. There's a butchers called cowman's butchers, which raises questions. Yeah. That you don't want raised. I mean, the listener probably doesn't know because I never mentioned it, but I'm a vegan. But I would say if you go to a butchers, you probably want to be confident that a human, not a cow man, is serving you and the human is serving cow and not the other way around.

Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah. Very much so. Or the worst superhero. Cow man. Cow man. All the powers of a cow, speed of a cow, height of a cow.

The ability for people around him to tell whether it's going to rain soon. Because they famously sit down when they're going to rain. Yeah. Villains can hear him coming because he's got that bell. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And of course his catchphrase, moo. Yep. Yeah, really good catchphrase.

But like he says it as he flies off. So it's like, moo. Oh, it gets the Doppler effect. Oh, yes. Yeah. I've got a 3D mic. I've got a perspective mic for the first time. I can actually move in three dimensions in this podcast. Finally, of course, I made it to my hotel, which is a converted mill and is the home of mill fest, which is a name that

you do really need to pause while saying mill fest mill fest. I don't know if they ran the name mill fest past anyone before they got the banners printed, but no, wow. It's happening. It's happening now. So we're in, I'm in the middle of Millfest. Would that be good or bad for the SEO? I don't know.

I mean, you're already in Clitherow. I mean, the idea that any of this is getting through a work blocker. I've really revealed myself as being a freelancer there. I have no idea what the name of the thing that stops you looking at naughty stuff at work is called. A work blocker is what I called that. Not getting fired. Not getting fired.

Is it a VPN? No, it's not a VPN. I don't know. And now I'm in the hotel room and it's got inspirational quotes from Shakespeare written all over the walls. I think it's from Shakespeare. He stayed there. They're all written in like handwriting.

And do you think he stayed there? The ones they've chosen, it really has a serial killer's lair vibe about it. Be not afraid of greatness. So wise, so young. They say never do live long. Wow. Words without thoughts, never to heaven go. Very sinister.

That is very sinister. And for what I can see of your room, it's quite sort of plain white wall. Yeah, that wall is just white. So they've all just got Shakespeare scribbles on this side. Wow. Do you think he was incarcerated there or something? Maybe he, maybe he came from Milfest. I don't know.

Who is the Milfest? Maybe that inspired the merry wives of Windsor. We don't know. The merry Milfs of Windsor. It's probably true he didn't write that one. What's good, because it's on Rightmove, it gives you the option to calculate your monthly mortgage payments. Okay.

If we, I did look it up, Alistair, if we went in on it. Yeah, you and me. The pair of us. Might have to tighten our belts a little bit, not as many snacks and treats when we're out and about. Yeah. Coffee's. We would have to cut back on our smashed avocados.

If we could, if we could scrape together a deposit of 80,000 pounds and we did go for the lengthy repayment period of 40 years, It would simply cost us 19 grand a month. Okay. That's a bargain. Yeah. Oh, but we'd also have to pay £415,250 in stamp duties. What? Yeah.

I don't even know what that is. That's a bit of money you have to pay in order to buy a house. I don't get it. It seems like a's a bit of money you have to pay in order to buy a house. I don't get it. It seems like a scam. It's council tax band H. Wow. The annoying thing about council tax is, and sorry to be once again, a 40 year old guy on a podcast, but like council tax band H, they probably pay twice the council tax I pay.

Like council tax bands have not, they haven't really changed that much as the house prices have massively increased. The top band of council tax is just paying, it's nothing to them. I mean, admittedly, nobody lives there at the moment. So whoever lives there will be nothing to them. I think it is. Well, it's on the market, but I think it was owned by someone recently. I did see an article in the in the PIRBEC Explorer. Council tax band H, £2,612. A year? A year. That's like, that's nothing. That's nothing to them. How ridiculous is that? They've got to pay, they've got to find £9000 a month.

I pay £1000 a year in council tax. I have one room. How can a castle be twice that? James, you're not going to enjoy that at all. You're not going to enjoy joining her. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are.

I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are.

I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. I know you are. One room. How can a castle be twice that? James, you're not going to enjoy that at all. You're not going to enjoy joining an old 70s colonel's voice. Wait, but he's not from America. So I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Bluster. My if I'm directing this, my word to you is bluster.

Yeah, James. Yeah. I think he's like that V vis character, like major, major misunderstanding or whatever he is. That's what I'm picturing. Mm hmm. Skin, the temperature of a roast ham just coming out of an oven glazed. He's got he's got that netting on him. Yeah. Sometimes I say, again, I'm a vegan. I don't really know these things.

He's got a lot of times he's got clothes studded into his forehead lines. People are just scooping up the various sort of fans and pouring them back over the top of it and then popping him back in. You're saying these are basted. I don't know what that verb is, James. I am a vegan. You can't baste any vegan food. What can the guinea fowl defend you against?

It turns out foxes. I didn't even know that. Oh, oh, sorry. I realized from context that makes sense. But what does what can a peacock do to a fox? Is the peacock a guinea fowl? Dazzle it. Isn't it?

Is it? I did not. Well, this is Bird Corner. No, surely not. I'm just Googling that. That's going to wobble the mic. Sorry. All right. They're not the same. I just assumed they were. They, this is Bird Corner. No, surely not. I'm just Googling that. That's going to wobble the mic. Sorry. All right.

They're not the same. I just assumed they were. They are quite flashy though. They're not peacock flashy. Nothing's peacock flashy. No, not even all peacocks. Hashtag not all peacocks. I pee with peacocks.

That's what we have a verb peacocking. Don't we? There's no verb guinea fowling. That's true. It's got an antechamber, which they Well, we have a verb peacocking, don't we? There's no verb guinea fowling showing off. It's got an antechamber, which they have misspelled on the floor plan. You've made a mistake there, Savvles. Unless it is an antechamber. Unless it's an antechamber.

What is it? That's the outdoors. Yeah, that's just an antechamber. That's a garden. It's the outside. Consistent consistently misspelling antechamber. I just cannot stand estate agents. You basically don't have a job. You don't have to do anything.

Houses sell themselves. And you could at least learn the names of the rooms in a house. Admittedly, most houses don't have an anti-chamber. Yeah, it's not a normal one that they'd come up, they'd need to come up with. They've learned that. They've learned it's an E there. Yeah, you've learned. normal one that they'd come up, they'd need to come up with. They've learned that. They've learned it's an E there. Yeah, you've learned. Oh, I got confused.

They've got a garage and log store, a label, then it says garage and log store. And there's another room that says Apple store. I thought, there's no way they've got one of their own. Of course, they mean for storing apples. Yeah, it wouldn't be a real one. It's really small. It's like, it's like a meter square. You can only have one nerd in there at a time.

You could barely fit a genius. That's what they call them. Yes. Three potting sheds. Wow. Going to be putting an offer in. Yeah, maybe. Yes, maybe considering the spectral tenants, I feel like they ought to knock a few grand off.

Yeah, or at least chip in. It's a bit like the sitcom ghosts in there with the amount of ghosts. It's very like the sitcom ghosts is an ensemble cast of ghosts. Oh wait, the energy performance rating is very poor. It's an E. So I'm going to pass. That's because of all the cold spots. You've got to heat it. You've got to keep it heated. Band H, I'm so furious about how cheap council tax is. This mansion, they've got an Apple store.

But they couldn't if they're in Scotland or something. I don't know. There's a law. There's a law in Scotland. You can't do that. House buying rules in Scotland or something. I don't know. There's a law. There's a law in Scotland. You can't do that. House buying rules in Scotland are both fair and weird. Yes. That's because you can buy air in Scotland, can't you? We must have talked about this on the podcast before. Is that a pun on the town now? No. No. All the flats in England are leasehold, aren't they? Because you can't own part of a building. Right. But in Scotland, you can own part of a building. I don't know if it's... In Scotland, if you own the third floor flat of a building, say, and then they knock that building down, you still own the

bit in the air where your flat used to be. And so if anyone wants to build a three-story building through your... You'd be like, oh, ouch, sorry, that's my air. Really? So you're gonna have to buy it from me if you want to build something there. What if it's really windy? You own all that wind, but as soon as it leaves, that's someone else's wind. Wow. That's great. Whereas in England, that isn't the case, just because we're a less whimsical nation.

That is both fair and weird. Fair and weird. Yeah, it's like hard but fair. Sort of, sort of London gangsters. Scottish gangsters, fair but weird. Well, I don't know if they're fair, but they are weird. What are you doing on your holiday, James? I am doing my thank you cards from Christmas. I can't believe that you've got so many presents yourself writing thank you cards in mid-January.

I'm just very bad at admin. Check out this guy's presents, Liz, no? Wow! I'm very grateful, but bad at admin. And we'll be back next week with a series six and we, oh, it's a spicy one. If you are really, really missing us, you can check out me on the podcast, Rural Concerns. Rural Concerns. And Alistair, they can check you out on the podcast. Eleanor and Alistair read that with me and Eleanor Morton reading classic kids books and they're being a little bit sarcastic about them.

It's really fun. I really enjoy it. Oh, thanks, James. It's lovely. Right then. So see you next week for the new series. Folk, I forgot. I forgot to remind you to come see us in Leicester and Alistair's gone now, so I'm

going to have to do it all myself. But basically we're doing Lawmen Live as part of the Leicester Comedy Festival on the 9th of February 2025. At 2.30pm at the Big Difference and tickets are on sale on the internet. We'll put a link in the blurby bit, you know the little righty bit underneath when you click play on the thing there's a bit of writing in there will be a link to take you to the place to buy your ticket to come see the lawmen live so that you can do that if you want. Thank you very much. It's GMT, right? The meanest time.