Loremen Podcast - Xmas Pig 2024 with Maso!

Episode Date: December 21, 2024

It is the second pig of Xmas Pig! We are joined by Maso of  @WeeklyPlanetPodcast  and @mrsundaymovies  for a very peculiar Jesus-based story. One of those teen bad-boy Jesus tales, you know. The odd ones... With a bonus bit of local Charlbury Fitch folklore. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by HelloFresh. Be honest, between meetings, workout classes, and the kids' clubs, who's got time to cook? That's where HelloFresh comes in. No matter how busy you get, HelloFresh makes it easy to get a home-cooked meal on the table. With flavor-packed recipes like crispy chicken parmigiana, you'll be filling your kitchen with the cozy aromas of a homemade meal in no time. Visit HelloFresh.ca and use code SPOTIFY for your exclusive offer. At New Balance, we believe if you run, you're a runner, however you choose to do it.

Because when you're not worried about doing things the right way, you're free to discover your way. And that's what running is all about. Run your way at newbalance.com slash running. So Lorefolk, it's Christmas pig time again. Yay! The jingling of pigs, I hear. It's the jingling of little pigs. Is that the sound of trotters on the roof?

What's that? What's that I can smell? Ooh, is it Christmas pig? I smell bacon, folks. Must be Christmas pig and nothing else. No, we don't eat the pigs at Christmas. The pigs carry the spirit of the season. Oh.

Do they? If I ate the pig, I would carry the spirit of the season with me. Otherwise I'm just carrying pigs around. It's a bit barbaric. Well, I've just been, I've just been carrying live pigs this whole time. And I'm horrified to discover you guys have been eating them. It's, have you been carrying in one of them like baby carriers, like on your front and it's a papoose, a pig papoose. I am a normal guy with a sack full of piglets.

Christmas. Rumbling the streets saying Christmas pig to pass us by. Christmas pig, old lady, I offer a piglet. PS, don't eat it. It's not for eating. Not for eating, for spirit, for Christmas spirit. It's for Christmas spirit. Well, it is Christmas pig time. Listener, if you need an explanation for what Christmas pig means, then I mean, you're probably

in the majority. In a nutshell, we did a Christmas special talking about Jesus. It was that time when he put all the demons into the pig. So we're told some more pig stories and organically the concept of a Christmas pig was born. So now every Christmas we tell pig related folklore stories. It was a really bad choice because surprisingly there aren't that many. There are so few. And I'm really running out.

We're really, really scraping the bottom of that pig barrel. You went to a media consultant and you paid them £10,000 and they said, keep going with this riff. It cannot fail. Let's keep it moving. It's scientifically proven that riffs get less funny and then more funny. So within the next two years, I think we could see it coming back up to front. Just push through. You're going to watch your listenership crater, but then it's going to pick right back up again.

Don't even worry about it. We don't need the people who we lose. That's right. Cast aside like small pigs to an old lady. Don't even worry about it. We don't need the people who we lose. That's right. Cast aside like small pigs to an old lady. No, don't eat them. Don't eat the former listeners of Lumen. Whose voice is that I hear, James? Is that a deputy law person on this Christmas pig? Yes, it's only Blooming Maceau. Hello. AKA Nick Mason. And it seems like just moments ago that you were on a full episode.

But it was, but it was ages ago. It was two or three weeks. Two to three weeks. It doesn't feel like that long. I've just been sitting here by my microphone and my, my internet connection, just waiting to talk about pigs. And it's lucky you guys swung by. Well, I mean, I really, speaking of scraping the pig barrel, I thought

we were going to have to talk a lot. I don't know how I was going to spin this out into an episode, but I thought we were going to have to talk about the Chalbury Fitch, which is a small town, nearish me that I know quite well, called Chalbury, used to offer a side of bacon to the person that could prove that they had minded their own business the most over the last year. And if you could do that, you would get a side of bacon. What a hard thing to prove. Yeah.

And it's a, I realized as well, it's a real like, it's a trick, it's a trick question because you can't claim that prize because by definition of claiming that prize, it means you know what everyone else has been up to and how much they've been mining their own business. Will Barron And you know about the competition also. Like if you were really hardcore mining your own business, you never would have even looked at the notice board to see that was even a competition. Jason Vale Yeah, you wouldn't have heard about the pig offer.

Yeah. Yeah. Because you can't say, I didn't tell anyone that I saw the vicar and Mrs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you can't say I didn't tell anyone that I saw the vicar and Mrs. Johnson. You can't cause then that's the moment you reveal the secret that you kept or ignored. You've stopped minding your business. Did you know any notable winners of this? I don't think anyone ever won. I genuinely don't think anyone because of that, the sort of the inbuilt obsolescence of the award. Yeah.

So, yeah, I'm glad we didn't try for a whole episode. Yeah. So it seems like a seems like a real dig at the person who who minded their own business the absolute least like that. And they would have known and they would have seen that sign on the notice board and they would have been like, oh, I'm going to spread some rumors about you, Barman. But fortunately, we didn't have to settle with that because that is, as you've heard listeners, about two minutes of content.

What happened was I googled Jesus and the pigs and I found a new Jesus and pigs related story. We've got another story from the big JC. From the big JC whose birthday it is. He happened to share his birthday with Christmas Pig. What a coincidence. From Jesus Christ ultimate pig serial killer. Well, Alistair.

So this is from the Holcomb Bible. The Holcomb Bible. The Holcomb Bible. The Bible. Or how is that spelled? Yes. I've got some parables for you, brother. I'm in Hulk Hables for you, brother.

Hogan's Bible. Yeah. That's more macho man, Randy Savage. Also, it sounds like hokum, a word that means nonsense. Have I been done? Maybe I've been done, but that's the spirit of Christmas pig, isn't it? In plain sight, but okay. Let's hear it from the Holcomb Bible.

But the Holcomb Bible, yes, which does sound like Holcomb. It was an illustrated collection of biblical and most importantly for this, apocryphal stories. That's where the good stuff is, the apocryphal. We're talking bad boy, teen Jesus. The B-sides, not quite good enough for the album. Yeah, but the purists love it. Yeah, that's true.

Stripped back acoustic demo version of his later miracles. That's right, Taylor's version. This was dated to being around 1350, was written or created in the decades leading up to 1350 for use by an unidentified Dominican friar. There is even a picture of the friar on the opening page talking to a scribe. It's basically a comic book. There's a speech bubble. So, wait, he commissioned the book and the first page of the book is a picture of him commissioning the book.

Yeah. It says, now, the speech bubble's coming out of his mouth and in Norman French he's saying, now, do it well and thoroughly, for it will be shown to important people. I would be furious if I commissioned a book and then the first page was a sarcastic drawing of me being a bit pedantic about it. The scribe has a reply even in it, and the scribe has a little speech bubble that says, I will do so truly if God grants me to live. Never will you see such another book. Well, no, because that's a really weird way to start a book. It's distinguished itself

from other Bibles by the inclusion of that drawing. The next page is there is an illustration of a wheel of fortune. I'm guessing a biblical thing rather than the game show. But there's no way to be sure, is there? There's no way to be sure. So we can't know. I couldn't because I tried to went on a website. I tried to go on the... Please Google, can I went? Well that was your first mistake, I think, trying to went on a website. I tried to have went on website.

I tried to went on the British Library one and it was down due to a cyber attack. It has been for years. Oh, for years. Yes. Oh, no, you don't know the story. I don't know the story of the British library cyber attack. Yeah. Huge disaster for information and they've lost everything.

So much online stuff doesn't exist anymore because of the massive cyber attack that the British Library went. Because they were blackmailed and they didn't... Really? You know, where it's like, you know, you've got to give us all this money. And so whether it was just people trying to get money out of the British Library and not realizing, of course, that the British Library doesn't negotiate with terrorists. Or have any money. Or whether it was a hostile government just attacking a British institution.

I don't know. But yeah, really, really bad stuff. And also, this is breaking news for the listener and Maseo, and will now very much sound like a humble brag. Were we contacted by the British Museum? Was it the British Museum? No, it's the British Library. The British Library, yes.

Yeah, we are of cultural and historic value. Yeah, we're in the British Library, Mayso. You're in the British Library, Mayso. My goodness. I've got an email, which I presumed was some sort of phishing thing. And yeah, someone has included the Lawmen podcast in the British Library's archive. I think so. Or we have really opened ourselves up to a cyber attack on us by answering that

email. One or the other. I like to think we're of cultural significance. I think there are probably students out there and instead of they're like, hmm, could I, I've got to do this thing on British mythology, this assignment. I could read these books, these fusty old books. But instead... No kids, we make mythology fun. Jason- That's exactly right. Hey kids, you want to get edutained? Mason- But you have to also remember the British Library has literally every book there. They don't have a particularly high bar for quality. They just catalog everything they can.

Jason- That's one of those. Okay, right, right, right. Mason- They're not like, this is way better than off menu. We'll have this. That's one of those. Okay. Right. Right. Right. Not like this is way better than off menu. We'll have this. But there's no judgment. The email did say, I went to listen to your website on Google. Come on. So anyway, back to the Holcombe Bible. It is split up into four chapters. Boom.

One, Genesis, the good bits. That's a classic one. Yep. The creation to the flood. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a classic one. Yep. The creation to the flood. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Two, the genealogies of Mary and Jesus via two Jesse trees. And it turns out a Jesse tree is a drawing of like a, it's a family tree, but it's drawn as though it were a real tree with people standing on the branches of that tree. And at the top, Jesse, the body Ventura. Yes. I've been practicing my match of mine impression. I didn't think it would come into play in a podcast about team Jesus, but looking back, I should have known. So three is the life of Christ.

Okay. That's a good one. Which includes the enunciation to the Ascension. The enunciation is when that priest said, stop mumbling kid. That's my traditional Annunciation joke for the year. You're welcome. And four is The Last Things, which are the 15 signs which precede the second coming of The Last Judgment.

I should do a little plug. Four Last Things is a really good point and click adventure game by Joe Richardson. Oh yes. He's made three of three point and click adventure games repurposing Renaissance religious art in a vaguely sort of Gilliam-esque, Python-esque way. Quite short, really, really funny games. Hilarious to play with friends. Death of the Reprobate, Four Last Things, and I can't remember the name of the other one.

But still, what a great plug that was, apart from the fact that I forgot the name of it. But really, if you listen to this podcast, you're bound to find these games entertaining. In danger of presumably doing the jokes that this guy's done, but in a worse way, do you want a quick rundown of the 15? This is like a clickbait article. Do you want to know the 15 last things that are the sign of the apocalypse? Yes. Yeah, which one will shock us? Doctors don't want you to know.

Vickers don't want you to know these 15 signs of the apocalypse. Hot singles in your area. Number one sign of the apocalypse. There's so many hot singles. The singles are too hot. Blazingly hot. Boom. One, waters above mountains. Yeah, Izingly hot. Boom. One, waters above mountains.

Yeah, I would notice that. Two, waters sink so low they cannot be seen anymore. Three, waters return to their original position. Wait, wait, number three is just normal waters. If you slept through the first two, you wouldn't really be aware. Yeah, it's just standard water. Okay. Well, that covers all the bases, doesn't it?

Yeah, just... Have you seen any water recently? Regardless of the height, the end of the world is coming. The next one, number four is all sea animals gather on the surface of the water and bellow unintelligibly. I mean, we've seen that. We've seen Moudang, the angry pygmy hippo. She's getting out there and- I haven't seen the angry pygmy hippo. She's always screaming and biting. I think that's a pretty, pretty good sign.

Yeah. James, the internet loves Mudang, the angry bitey, pig me hippo. Haven't you went on twitter.com and found? I've not went on and found it. The hippo? Wow. I haven't went on that website. I'm sure in a couple of years, I will be at the level where it's like, it's got the word

pig in it. So it's coming in Christmas pig says pig me, it's going in. So we'll cover that in a couple of years. Right, number five, another water one. The waters will burn from east to west. Number six, the plants and trees fill with dew and blood. Mason- I would have just skipped over the dew and mentioned the blood. Toby- Yeah, it's pretty standard dew. You can't tell. Number seven, the earth is divided into two parts, like the musical Wicked or the last Harry Potter book. Eight, all buildings are destroyed.

We're definitely noticing this, right? Yeah. I don't think anybody at this point doesn't know that the apocalypse is upon them. And if you didn't, you'd went on Twitter and see number nine, the stones fight each other. Okay. All right. Now, I'm presuming, given the date this was written, that is not referring to the rolling stones. This is talking about rocks fighting each other somehow.

I don't know how they're fighting. They'd just be colliding. Now, is this a case of, is it a 15 out of 15 situation? Do we have to see all of them? Or is it like, just like, I think this go with these, these happen and then the next one and then the next one. Oh, it's okay. It's in order.

All right. Next one, number 10. Great earthquakes occur. I think I've read that wrong. Sorry. I put a comma in. Oh, great. All those earthquakes occur.

That's just great. It was a dot for an eye on the line below. Great earthquakes occur. No, great earthquakes occur. Number 11, all mountains and valleys levelled. So now the earth's just a perfect geoid sphere. Just a flat surface. Number 12, men come out of their hiding but can no longer understand each other.

It's hard to work out where they were hiding considering all the buildings were destroyed several signs ago. And cave-wise. No caves. Everything's flat. 13. Stars and constellations fall out of the sky. 14.

Bones of the dead come out of their graves. 15. All men die. Earth burns with water. 16. Well, we're still doing them. I don't think we even need to know what happens several steps after all the people have died. Yes. But 16 years judgment day.

Jason Vale Right. Jason Vale But that's already come out because that's famously terminated too. So yeah, those look out for them. Look out for them in your area. Jason Vale That's good to know. Jason Vale There's another, this story that I'm about to tell about Jesus, don't worry, we have got Jesus and Pig content. This also appears in Neville of Hornby's Hours, which is some sort of illustrated book that this family did to entertain their kids. Another publication around that time is called Prick of Conscience, which is about the end of the world as well. It's a poem about, come on guys,

let's start acting rationally. So these stories were designed to appeal to kids and they're in a comic book format Oh, I've managed to find some illustrations of it outside of the British Library due to the cyber attack So this is the image for the story. It's like a little not quite a comic book It's like a the sort of thing you get when you're a kid where it's like mostly pictures But then there's a very dense writing underneath and this is the story. So you're sitting comfortably. No, yes. I've not been sitting comfortably for an hour. Yeah. My legs are asleep. I think I'm going to go to stand up and I'm just going to fall over, but I'm, let's, let's make this happen. Okay. So what happens was Jesus wants to play with some kids.

Teen Jesus wants to play with some kids, but the kids moms, they don't want Jesus to play with their kids. So they hide their kids in an oven. Terrible idea. Teen Jesus comes in all like, you know, quiffed up hair, biker jacket, you know, what are you preaching about? What are you got? Kind of my bad boy Jesus.

He's like, Oh, where are those kids? And they're like, do I know actually, I don't know where the kids are. His classic catchphrase of teen Jesus, where's those kids? Where's those kids for me to play with? And I don't know, not here. And he's like, well, what's in your oven? And the parents like pigs. Oh, big mistake. This is, I can see where he's getting his ideas from here. And he's like, well, what's in your oven? And the parents are like, pigs. Jason Oh, big mistake. I can see where he's getting

his ideas from here. Alistair And Jesus is like, oh really? Oh really? Pigs, is it? And then he saunters off. The parents open the oven. It's full of pigs. Jason What? Alistair He's turned the kids into pigs. Jason Jesus, too much Jesus. Alistair And there is no follow up on that. Some illustrations of the story have got the parents tearing their hair out, this horrible

idea that their kids have been turned into pigs. There's no... You don't unturn them from pigs as the story ends there. That's slightly better than one where he drowns them on a magic bridge, but it's not that much better. But it is more pig related. In a way, I mean, it's sort of, it's a slightly more wholesome ending than I thought it was going to be. I thought he was going to say, oh, there's pigs in the oven. Why don't you turn the oven on?

Alistair Duggan Yeah, I thought it was going to be crackling pig children. I thought that they were going to turn into pigs, but also get cooked. So, at least the pigs are alive because remember catchphrase of the season, don't eat them. Don't eat those pigs. Don't eat them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And medical science is advancing all the time. And I reckon at some point they'll be able to turn them back into children, I would imagine. If those 2000 year old kid pigs are still with us. And they would be because Jesus would have made them, you know, immortal, tortured pig kids, you know, to, to really, to really, you know, exactly, to really stick the boot into those parents.

You know what I mean? Sorry. 2000 years of suffering in immortal pig kid form. Sorry. You should have let me play with your kids. A normal thing for a man to do, a teen man. Very normal. I think we can assume that they were the same age as him and that that was a very large

oven. And so that is Christmas Pig's story. And so the Christmas Pigs that didn't die. I do have to add a depressing caveat on this story. You don't have to. Just for full disclosure, I did do a little bit of research and medieval times, people in Britain were really horrible to Jewish people and this story kind of got rolled into some anti-Semitic stuff.

I presume the story was just made as an innocent story of Jesus turning some kids into pigs, but people, you started bandying it about for anti-Semitic reasons. What's nice is that nowadays, our natural take on it is Jesus needs to chill out, basically. But in those days, people would have been very bad and wrong about it. So just saying, for any listeners who's hearing it and going, I'm anti-Semitic, I'm not, that's it. The end. I was going really, really well until the end there, James.

I really went, that's it. The end. Oh yeah. I do think, I do think you lost a little bit of confidence towards the end, but no, fair enough. Yeah. We do have to include that caveat. Now you point that out.

And that's actually a great, that's actually a great tactic for receiving any form of criticism, you know, in the world. You may think that I burgled your house, but actually the end. So case closed. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Pig. So Mace, thank you very much. Christmas pig. I hope you'll be celebrating. Christmas pig to you Mace. From the Weekly Planet podcast, where can people find you on that internet that they have? What website can they went to? They can went to the website,

perhaps Spotify.com if that is in fact is a website or any of your podcast platforms and you can find the weekly planet or you can go, you could, sorry, sorry, you can went to the website youtube.com. Thank you. Search for Mr. Sunday movies. If we, if actually we have myself and my friend James, we do a podcast on the Mr. Sunday movies channel. I believe we have a commentary for the movie jingle all the way. If you're looking for more Christmas content.

Oh, very festive. That is a very festive Christmas classic. There you go. It's having a good time. Do type please into Google before you, for any of those other words. It's important. When the AI uprising comes,

they'll remember who was nice to them and who was mean. Absolutely. If you're out there going, you'd better show me Mr. Sunday Movies channel. You're first in line. Yeah, big trouble.