Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 101: If He's Not Chasing, Why Are You Investing?

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

"Get serious about people who treat you as serious.   Some people advise taking a chance on the unknown. Others think that’s crazy. I don’t think it is.   What is undeniably crazy though is taking a chance with your heart on someone you already know isn’t bothered about giving you theirs."   --- Ready for a Fresh Start in Your Love Life? Download Your FREE Guide to Learn the 3 Simple Secrets . . .  http://www.3SecretsToLove.com​  --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey

I'm not being pessimistic. I am just, I'm not prepared to like expend my excitement all the time in those ways. It's life is enough for me. Like what's happening right now is enough for me. I don't need for this thing that this person who just called or sent an email, I don't need for that to be the thing that's like giving me my reason to be today. Hello, everyone. Hello, Matthew Hussey. Well, Matt, I'll cut to the chase, as it were, because the other day I was doing a Facebook Live based on a blog I did called, If He's Not Chasing, Why Are You Investing? This is a very common phenomenon where you get some you have a great day you have an intimate moment you have something with a person a guy it feels great you've had a bit

of texting and now you've got you've reached a little bit of that hook point and so what happens at this point is the brain goes into a kind of overdrive where every single action that person takes now is extensively analyzed, broken down. And every single action they take, but even the most minor positive action, is assumed to be an important signal and even if you know that there's that distinction in in economics about signal versus noise noise is just messy data that doesn't mean anything but you can assume it's a signal and a guy just reaching out because you know he didn't talk to you in days but he just sent a little emoji someone will then go and pour over that and go what did it mean he sent the emoji then uh what what does he really want and really there's not there's not really anything to actually analyze there the bigger macro the bigger picture is clear but the way

i've likened this and people really liked this analogy is that it's like you are putting your ear up trying to crack a safe and figure it out and if I could just get the combination right but you can already see in the safe and the safe has nothing in there but you're sitting there trying to crack it and open it thinking that when I look inside something's going to be different and this is what happens I think I think that people get a lot there's a there's a weird point in dating where our brain then is on the we're hooked into this person and so now we just endlessly analyze their actions instead of acting acting? Yes. Well, this is part of the, this is the problem with having sold yourself on someone before, uh, it's before there's anything there. The, you know,

we do this, not just in our relationships. we do this in all sorts of different ways. We do it in business too. I, it used, I don't, you know, when TV shows come to us now asking us to go and be on a TV show, rarely do we say yes,

unless it's particularly interesting. But back in the day when we thought the idea of being on TV was quite exciting, the danger of, you know, you get a call from a producer who says, we think you want, we want you on the show. You immediately run and you tell everyone in the company, we got a call from this producer and we think that they want us on this show. And everyone starts talking about it. And then the next day you get on a call and someone says, so, you know what, any news from the show? And you're like, no, I haven't heard anything yet. And you're all the while you're getting yourself worked up about it. And then if two weeks from now, the show sends a message,

you go, everybody, the producers just sent a message. They think that they might want us on, you know, where they haven't said any, there's nothing new, but they reached out again and everyone goes, oh my God, that's really exciting. And I, I've made a habit in business of, I mean, people think that sometimes maybe they even think I'm a little boring for it, but I don't get excited about opportunities. Really? I, I get, I think what is, is fun. You know, when someone, when I get a really kind of big offer for something, you know, Steve, I, the first thing I'll say is if someone says, what was that email about? Or what was that phone call about? I'll be like, oh, it's so-and-so they want us to go and do this thing. And someone will be like, that's amazing. And I'll be like, yeah, I mean, we'll see. We'll see. And it's not, people think I'm being pessimistic. I'm not. I'm not being pessimistic.

I am just, I'm not prepared to like expend my excitement all the time in those ways. Life is enough for me. Like what's happening right now is enough for me. I don't need for this thing that this person who just called or sent an email, I don't need for that to be the thing that's like giving me my reason to be today. And what I'll do instead is I'll say, it's just really, you know, like, Oh, such and such a company, this major company just came and asked us to do some, a partnership with them. I put no stock in the idea that that's going to happen. Zero. All I do is I'll say like, if it's you or dad or whatever, I'll be like,

you know what's just really nice? It's just really flattering that they're even considering us for that. That's just cool. I don't know if anything's going to come of it, but it's just, by the way, how awesome is it for where we are in our company right now that that kind of a company is even wanting to do a partnership with us, is even entertaining the idea. That's super cool. That shows how far we've come. Whether it happens or not is irrelevant to me. But the fact that they sent an email asking is just a really interesting example of a really interesting reference point for how we are, how we come across to the world. That speaks highly of us that they were interested at all. So the win to me is what's happened. It's not what's going to happen.

And I don't get myself excited about everything that could happen because it's, to me, a waste of energy. It takes me out of this moment right now where I am. And I see this in dating all the time. Instead of just being like, I had a great date last night. It was a really cool date. And everyone's like, and the friends are all like, oh my God, tell me everything about it. And you're like, I always want to be like, everyone chill the fuck out. Like they had a great date last night. Let it just be a great date. Just say like the next time you have a great day, just be like, we had a really nice time. You know, if nothing, whatever else happens, it was a really nice time and let it unfold. Yeah. Don't create the story with the people around you before anything's even happened

because now you start to get excited about things that aren't worthy of your excitement that are dangerous to get excited about because now now you can't even be surprised you are literally living in a place where in order for you to be happy, what this person does has to now live up to what you've got in your head. Just for it to be on a level with what everyone like you and your friends have done. And friends are the worst for it because they, I don't like, if I tell people about business opportunities, they're always like, oh my God, that's so amazing. Congratulations, man. I'm like, don't celebrate something I don't even have. It's not even real. But you're already giving me the accolade.

You're already giving me the credit for it. And it's not even happened. I don't want that validation. I don't want it. It's like, that's why I don't, Steve, you know, I don't bring things to team meetings every week that are going on and like opportunities that are just kind of floating in the air right now where people are hitting me up. I don't come to a team meeting and say, guys, you'll never guess who contacted us last week. Most of the time, the team hear about

something when it's like in the bag. And I'm like, oh, by the way, I'm going on this major show tomorrow, or we're doing this major partnership with such and such, and the contracts were already signed. And everyone's like, what? How do we not know about this? And I'm like, because I wasn't excited about it until now. Until the ink was dry, just wasn't excited about it. So I didn't bother to tell you about it. And I just think people should treat their dating lives like that a little more. Because otherwise we are just getting each other amped up over nothing. And all the friends swarm around and you get the one lazy text from him.

And then the friend's like, he text, let's have a look at it. What did it mean? And again, you're safe cracking now. You're trying to like figure out the code. It might, that text might have meant nothing. It might've been like the laziest, most rubbish text. But now you're all in safe cracker mode, like let's try and figure him out.

And yeah, like you say, again, you're analyzing instead of actually zooming out and being like, is he investing here? Is there a real thing here? Is there something solid I can actually hold on to? Now, by the way, in the comments, because we're obviously streaming this live right now as well on Instagram,

Plammy says, yeah, but can you not be happy? I am happy. That's the thing. It's not that, like, can't you just let yourself be happy about this opportunity i don't need this opportunity to be happy that's the point i don't need what that plammy and i love you because you're always coming commenting on our stuff and you're a trooper and i know you're asking it from an interesting place big Big love, Plammy. Big love, Plammy. But what you're really asking is, can't you let yourself get excited?

Because it's not happiness. Happiness doesn't come from an opportunity. That's not happiness, right? If that's what happiness is, then we're screwed. Because the moment that guy, that business opportunity, that thing goes away, what are we going to be sad? So it's not that it's not the opportunity can't make us happy. Now, if you say, well, can't you allow yourself to get excited? Do you have to like, I can see the argument for like, do you have to strip the romance out of it? And again, I know people might get bored of me making like a business analogy, but, but it's so real to me because it's so relevant.

When a business opportunity comes through, I don't need to feed off of the excitement of that because there's other really cool things happening. So if that happens, like if someone emails me, I send an email back saying, you know, oh, here's my assistant or whatever. Let me know, you know, let's see if we can figure something out. Once I've done that, I move on in my day to the next thing. I'm not sitting around waiting for that email back from them. Because I'm in an abundant place where I'm like, I've got 10 other exciting projects going on. I've got other things. If this doesn't happen, this is not a big deal to me in my life. I've got other great things happening in my life. Dating should be the same.

If a cute guy messages you or whatever on a dating app, fine. I'm not saying don't feel excited in that moment. I'm not saying be a robot and you get the message and you go, hmm, this is interesting, but it means nothing yet. I'm saying, see the message, get the little rush. By the way, as if I could stop you from getting that. I don't have that kind of power. You're going to get the rush. So I don't, I'm not worried about taking away your rush that you're going to get that. But once you've sent the message back, go get have a great day. You cannot sit there now. Don't now tell the story to four different friends. This guy messaged me on Instagram. This guy messaged me on a dating app today. Oh, have you seen this guy that here? Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. Let's all build the story together. Let's all talk about, let them say, oh my God,

he has a golden retriever he's perfect for you you love golden retrievers oh my and he lives locally oh my god this is you have to tell me what happens with this guy you have to tell me like this is so cool and oh my god he said that thing in the he's wearing that top you know how you love those sweaters this is oh my god i'm so happy this is so exciting and then two days later did you go on a date with mr later, did you go on a date with Mr. Right yet? Did you go on a date with that? You can't compete with the story that all of your friends and your tribe is creating out of this now. Your job is not just to calm you down, it's to chill everyone else out too. Because their stuff will not help you.

The way they feed into the story and amp you up, he can't compete with that. How can he compete with that? Things have to be allowed to happen organically, and they can only happen organically if you're actually here right now. Be on the date you're on. Be on the text you're actually here right now, be on the date you're on. Be on the text you're on. Be on the day of the courtship that you're actually on. Don't be on week four when you just got a message from this person this morning.

Don't be six months from now when you're on date three. Be on the date you're on. Be in the phase of the relationship that you're in. Don't be on Return of the King when you're on the fellowship still. You haven't even left the Shire, Steve. These are Lord of the Rings guys. Keep up. You're on the first book.

You're reading about Buddy Minas Tirith. Oh, that's not until book three. Right? Now, when Sam's leaving the Shire and he's about to go on the quest with Frodo and he stops and he says, if I take one more step, it will be the furthest from home I've ever been. That's a true acknowledgement of where you're at. He's about to take a step that's furthest from home he's ever been.

That's a true acknowledgement of where he's at. So-and-so just asked me to move in with them. If I do this, it will be the biggest commitment I've ever made. That's great. Talk about it in that moment. But talking about it before you've even left the Shire, Steve. No, no, no. You're not going to get the ring to Mordor that way. I mean, you don't have the fellowship for the start. I mean,

so we've said it all guys. I mean, we've said it all. I think we've probably done it. And we, that's an episode. That's a podcast. And that's Tolkien guys. So get reading. Get reading. Well, if you want to, if you want to leave us a review of the podcast we'd appreciate

it you know tell everyone that you liked it tell everyone what what you get out of it it would mean a lot and it makes other people give it take a you know look we live in a world that's just so full of content so full of does the world need another podcast steve no it doesn't but you know maybe it needs more don't start with that no but i'm just saying it's not i we're not trying to contribute to the noise we're trying to be we're trying to do something that's actually worth people's time and attention in their day we don't want to hijack their day we want to add to it and if you feel this has added to your day then help us tell other people leave us a review on itunes and subscribe to the podcast on itunes on spotify on stitcher

matt and we'll see you in the next episode and uh if you want to go if you if you've been you know you want to get back out there spring is here go and download our free guide three secrets to love.com and it'll help you start taking those baby steps to move forward. Hey, also, you Instagram people, why don't you go and follow Stephen at Stephen H. Hussey. You're on Matthew's Instagram. Come and get the whole Hussey set. You can follow Stephen on Instagram at Stephen Hussey with a PH. Stephen H. Hussey.

There you go. Thanks, Steve. Thanks, Steve. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, Matt. And see you soon, Pickles. See you later, everyone.