Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 103: "What If We Have Different Love Languages?" (+ how to talk about being dumped)

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

Join us on our virtual retreat on March 19-21! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... (EARLY BIRD SPECIAL OFFER - book your spot before April 30th and get 25% off + special exclusive bonuses! Claim your ticket here) -- Today Matt and Steve sit down to answer a listener who ask whether her partner can become more affectionate. Can you change someone's love language? Plus Matt goes on a rant about how to talk about your past heartbreaks with a new partner... --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- Also, we love to hear from you! You can email the show at [e-mail]! 

Positive reinforcement is like psychology 101, but it's unbelievably powerful and important and underused. People just go, oh, they did what I wanted or they did what I expected. Good. You know, that's what I need. But you have to show love in the moments when you're feeling love. Hello everyone and welcome back to the Love Life Podcast. I am Stephen Hussey joined in the studio by my dear brother and wunderkind, Matthew Hussey. How are you, sir? I'm good, Steve. I'm excited to be back. I'm loving that we're doing these podcasts together as well, weekly.

That's very sweet of you. Is that because of me or just because you like someone else to take a bit of the shoulder, a bit of the work for you i just like the fact that we you know there aren't many places that people can just have us together having a chat answering a couple of questions and you know just uh it's it's more free form and it's i like it i do like the the model that we have here it's better than social media it's intentional yeah it's for us really isn't it it's for me and you to catch up that's no no you and i can do that anytime this is about giving people answers uh if you enjoy this as you're listening in uh we'd love if you'd subscribe and leave us a review we've got we've had some lovely reviews recently steve i was reading the most recent ones and they're really, really nice. We have. So thank you very much.

And thank you for subscribing. Oh, before I start, Steve, or before you start, I want to let everyone know real quick that link that I've put on the bottom of the Facebook and Instagram lives, mhvirtualretreat.com. The reason I've put that

is because we just did our virtual retreat. We have one more date this year so that there's still a chance not to, even if you miss the one in March, there's a chance not to miss the virtual retreat this year. The last one that's happening is happening from September the 24th to the 26th. Um, and there's an early bird special on right now where you can come and join us on the entire virtual retreat for 25% off the original ticket price. Um, and you also get a Q and a with me thrown in, you get a chance to receive a signed book. Uh, and, um, you're also going to get an exclusive interview that I did on how to find mentors in your life. So if you're looking for

mentors this year, and that's important to you, which who wouldn't want to do that? That's one of the bonuses you get. And that's only available until the last, until the 30th of April. So go to that link, check it out. That's the last virtual retreat of the year. And this is the cheapest that you'll get that virtual retreat for by doing it now. We wanted to, it's the first time we've ever done it, Steve. We've never done an early bird pricing for our retreats. And for the first time ever, people are actually being rewarded for signing up early.

So there you go. If you want to come spend three days transforming your life with us, go to mhvirtualretreat.com. And once again, I've said it many many times now this is not a love life retreat it's not about your dating life it's for anyone who wants to level up their entire life so there you go yeah and i'm always one of those people who knows i'm going to go to something forgets to do the early bird thing and And I think, damn, I knew I was going to do that six months ago. Should have just done it straight away. Yeah. And also I am a big believer in the fact that when you book something in, especially when it's personal growth related,

first, there's a sort of pressure valve in that, that you go, oh, like I've booked in something that's going to guarantee progress this year. It's now, it's almost like not even in my hands anymore. I thought, I think about that when I go one of my masterminds with my guy group, I'm always like, well, if that's booked in, then I'm going to do some amazing stuff this year. It's not, I'm just along for the ride now. So I think even just booking it in is an interesting act for your year. It signifies that it's already in hand. Right, Steve? Well, let's do it. Okay.

Well, Matthew, I know you love our listener emails. So I want to give you a question from a listener today. This is from Regina or Regina. I'm not sure how you pronounce that. Regina. I think it's Regina. And by the way, where are these emails being sent to Steve?

These emails are being sent to podcast that Matthew Hussey.com where you can ask us your questions, comment, or, uh, you know, send us something fun. Uh,

so Regina said, uh, in response to you asked a question, asking people to reveal something that made them human. And she said, dear Matthew, I told the guy that I was dumped three times. I presume that's the guy she's seeing. I did not see it as a disadvantage or that it will be a turnoff. I told him being dumped, I realized that I became a stronger person

and that I've learned to love myself first. More power to you, Matthew and Stephen. Then she goes on to talk about love languages. Okay, wait. Wait, before you even go into the next part, let's just talk about that for a second. Okay. Firstly, massively appreciate Regina

taking the advice from the last episode about showing your humanity. I think that's amazing that you're proactive, Regina. But I want to pick up on that because I think there's some distinction we can make. When Regina says she's been dumped three times, i would query whether that's the right kind of humanity to be vocalizing okay that's interesting what do you think of that you're not you're not happy about that well i don't know if it's a helpful detail it's honest i don't know if it's a helpful detail. It's honest. I don't know. I'm processing it in real time. I just, I've been thinking about this. Like what level of self-deprecating is good? And where does it go too far? And you can say, oh, well, it's just honest saying I've been dumped three times. That's just me being honest. And by the way, there are certain people, no doubt, who could pull that off in a way that's just sort of funny.

Like if you've got a natural wit about you and you're able to deliver that with a certain level of like, but you have to deliver that with some confidence. Do you know what I mean? Like you really have to deliver that with some funny, some humor and some confidence. My concern is just how much confidence and humor you'd need to deliver that with. And I think that I, I don't, there are plenty of ways to be honest. The question is, why did we choose that one? You know what I mean? When people say, Oh, it's to be honest. The question is, why did we choose that one? You know what I mean? When people say, oh, it's just being honest. Yeah, but why did you choose that piece of information?

Yeah. Reveal. It's an interesting. There are many ways you could be honest by saying, I like chocolate buttons. But you said, I've been dumped three times. And even the language of that, you know, like I've been dumped. It's not, you do at some point have to acknowledge, and I don't want this, this I'm concerned because I'm concerned that it's going to sound like we're saying two different things. When I say be human, I think that being human is revealing that we're not perfect, that we have things that we're working on, that we do have flaws and that we do make mistakes.

But fallibility is definitely more attractive when you're doing your best and you're coming from a somewhat confident place. We also do have to acknowledge that we are, if you and I went into a store to buy a new fridge and the guy said, this fridge is one you can have a look at. It's been discontinued three times. Three times we decided to drop this one because we deemed it not worthy of the shelves, but I would push you to this fridge.

You need to give me a pretty good reason to buy this one now. That's like when you see a house keep going down in rent on the property site and you're like, why is no one demanding that, that house? Why does no one want to rent this? And they keep dropping the price. Right now it's not, it may not, it may have, it may be that no one has seen the value of this house yet, and that's why it's dropping price. It doesn't mean that the house isn't worth something. It may mean that the people that came to the house didn't appreciate what's truly great about that house. But if you're showing a new person the house, the first thing to say isn't, you know, I tell you what, it's a good job you're here because the last three people that saw this house walked straight out.

That's not, you're already coloring my perception. I want to make my own mind up about this house. And you're coloring my perception by telling me that the last three people had no interest in this house. That's interesting. So don't, so it's, it's not that it's a problem that you've been dumped three times. That's not the big deal. You might ask yourself why you felt the need to say it, because if it's really not a big

deal, then, then is it like, how did it even make it into the conversation as a detail worth mentioning? And also, but recognize that even if it's not a big deal, there are certain things that you can say and certain ways that you say them that color someone's perception, because you're not even saying, you know, there were three situations that didn't work out. You're saying there were three people who dumped me. Like the language itself is emotive. It's charged. No one wants to think of the love of their life being dumped. You might understand that it didn't work out or whatever, but even if you care about someone, you don't want to think of them as being dumped. So language matters. It's not nothing. Language matters. And I would say that that's not,

I don't know that that's the same thing as humanity. There's humanity in it. There's humanity in the emotion that, you know, relationships that didn't work out affected me. There's humanity in that. But, but when you, when you say things in a certain way, you're leading the audience. Yeah. Yeah. And you're priming what they're thinking about. Yes, exactly. You're priming what they're thinking about. You're, you're,

you're immediately putting a word in their head that's associated with a whole bunch of things. Well, what kind of person gets dumped? Why would you dump a person? Why would you disregard a person so easily? Why would you like it? It stopped people almost with no, almost automatically. It starts creating questions around that. So I just think that you got to be really, you there's nothing wrong with humanity. Just be honest with yourself about whether your language and the vivid, those vivid words, how they lead the audience and how they prime them to question your value in ways that you would absolutely not want them to question. Yeah. And we got back to that on our episode on vulnerability, where we said it's about when you share certain things and the timing and you don't put it all out immediately up front. You decide when you want to talk about those things. That's a really interesting point though. I didn't expect we'd go on that sidetrack.

And by the way, one more thing, even saying I've had my heart broken is different from I've been dumped. Yes. They're the same thing. But saying I've had my heart broken is more human than saying I got dumped, which comes with this association of a worthless thing gets dumped. Yeah. And I'm powerless and it just happened to me.

Yeah. I got my heart broken is who doesn't we like, we've all been in things that didn't work out where someone decided that they didn't want to be with us for whatever reason. Like we've, everyone's been through that motor. Nearly everyone has been through that, but that's not the same thing as I've been dumped three times.

That's like saying, here, look at me, the garbage bag. Like that's not the same thing as I've been dumped three times. That's like saying, here, look at me, the garbage bag. But you know what I mean? It's like you're directing the language into a place where someone could be forgiven for going, oh, why is that then? When you say you've got your heart broken, people don't go why what happened you you know like you go oh you got your heart broke yeah me too you know like we've all been through that i keep getting dumped now you're asking someone to say well why yeah be careful with language now regina says she asked a question can you make a video about love language if you have a different language to somebody how reasonable is it for somebody to expect

what if he's not normally the way you do things if his love language is acts of service can i tell him to be more vocal and affirm my qualities so presumably she likes being praised i imagine that's her words of affirmation is her love language um i thought this was an interesting one to throw at you because it comes down to that question of can you what if someone doesn't meet your needs naturally in their behavior i think that relationships are about compromise. And I think that sometimes we can, a little bit of an adjustment to the middle can go a long way in a relationship. I don't think if you're with someone

who truly is so divorced from your love languages that they would have to change by 80% for you to feel loved. That's a problem. You're going to constantly run into issues and any effort they make is probably not going to feel enough. And they're also going to feel hopeless because they can't get close to where you want them to be. So I do think to some extent, we have to find people that our love language is an alien to them, but it may be that we could use 10% more of them, you know, acting on that love language. And when that happens, it can make a big 10% shift can make a big difference in a relationship. Communicating, I really love when you do this is it, it makes me feel loved or it turns me on, or it's exciting to me when you do this, or even just having a reaction when someone does something, you know,

like giving them a real reaction, something that, that starts, they start to associate with a sense of fun for them or a sense of excitement for them. Cause they go, when I do this, I really love, I may not love doing it. I may not understand as much. I may not understand why they love it so much. Cause I don't need this, but I love, I love the reaction and I love how it makes them feel. But to do that, you do have to communicate how something makes you feel. You do have to communicate that it's a lovely thing when they do it. Yeah, positive reinforcement is like psychology 101, but it's unbelievably powerful and important and underused. People just go, oh, they did what I wanted or they did what I expected. Good. You know, that's what I need.

But you have to show love in the moments when you're feeling love. And also pay attention to what love language could you be nourishing for them that they might want more of. I think that's important too, is understanding. I mean, we should mention what the love languages are. I forget them sometimes. There's acts of service. There's quality time. There's touch, words of affirmation.

Gifts. Gifts, yeah. So, you know, if you understand what your partners are or what your partner really appreciates, then you can start to find out how you can do more of that. And then they recognize that this isn't a one-way street where you're just asking for something. You're also trying to give them what they need.

And I've said it before, it's very easy. The easiest thing in the world is to give somebody what you want. There's two things that are really easy. Give someone what you want. And because you want it, you're probably used to it and well-versed in that language, so you know how to give it. Or giving them what is easy for you to give them. So, you know, some of us, it's really easy to give affection because we're affectionate, but we're not so, you know, our words don't come so freely or quality time

doesn't come so easily. And it's easy to keep giving the thing that's easy for us to give. And the cliche would be like, you know, someone who's got a lot of money can spend money on people and that's how they give. And because it's easy for them to do that, it's, that doesn't mean it's what they need. It just means what it's easy for you to give. So we have to look at not just giving what we want to give, or sorry, not just giving what we would want given to us, because that's just projecting, and not just giving what's comfortable for us to give, but giving what we may not even want, but we know they need, and giving them what they're actually calling for instead of what's easy for us to give them.

And I say that because it's got to be a two-way street. We've got to be, at the same time as communicating better about what we need from somebody else, listening better to what they need from us. Yeah, yeah. And I think to go to one of her questions, can you change the love language of your partner? I think that's asking too much, right? I don't think you can change what someone loves. I think it's not that someone always loves like one or two things, right? There's people who like, you know, I like affection and words of affirmation, but it's all, you know, a surprise is wonderful

or a lovely, thoughtful thing. So there's other things people can appreciate, but I don't think you can, if you have a preferred way to receive love, it's not like that's going to suddenly disappear, I don't think. No, I mean, look, sometimes there are love languages that have been dormant in us for a while. It's not that we don't care about them. It's just that we haven't had them in a long time or in some cases ever. So someone who hasn't had a lot of

affection in their lives doesn't necessarily mean that it's not one of their love languages, but they may not be used to it. When we have people come on our retreat program, you know, and you know, back in the, well, back when we had our in-person retreats, there would be people who would show up at the beginning of the retreat and they weren't huggers. And then by the end of it, they're hugging everybody. And they're like, I wasn't a hugger. And now I can't get enough. I've seen that dozens of times, dozens of times.

So that's someone who had lost connection with a certain love language not because it's not who they are but because you know they were undernourished in that area or hadn't practiced it so I do think that you can tease out people's

love for a love language if you start to show them the positive side of it again yeah you know, love for a love language if you start to show them the positive side of it again. Yeah. Well, that's super useful and practical. I hope that helped Regina. And if he's not normally affectionate, you've got to educate him. You've got to show what you love when he does it, even a tiny, tiny percentage when he's vocal and affirms your qualities. You've got to show what you love when he does it, even a tiny, tiny percentage when he's vocal and affirms your qualities. You've got to be like, you know what? I love it when you say those things to me. It's so, it, I just smile. It makes me smile all day when you send that text

or when you said those words in front of our friends about me, it made me feel so connected and showed how you appreciate me and you know I'd love to hear you say those things it really means a lot so just educate someone people don't always know and you have to show people how to love you how to be a good friend to you um it's part it's part of the challenge of relationships and one last thing on this, there are some people who stay in relationships for a long time, always wishing that their partner were essentially someone else in the way that they behaved. And sometimes the answer is to bring them a little closer to the middle through the way that you educate them about your needs and you teach them how to love through the way that you love them. Sometimes it's saying my

partner may never be this, but I'm not going to rely only on my partner for this. My needs are going to be met by a tribe, not by one person acting as a tribe. And that there's words of affirmation I can get from, from friends or from people around me, mentors, you know, whatever it may be. There's, there's things we get from a tribe that sometimes we place an over-reliance on one person to meet all of our needs. And lastly, if you truly don't think someone is up to meeting your needs and the part of the tribe that they represent is not delivering for you in the way that you would like, then there's always the possibility that this isn't the right person. Um, but, uh, and I want to say, Regina, I feel like I feel a bit bad cause I, you know, Regina's emailed in with a thing saying, you know, I did what you said.

I did the humanity thing and I told him I got dumped three times. But and I wasn't having to go, Regina. I actually love that you were doing that challenge. But these are what I actually love that you brought us that example. Cause this is where distinctions get made is you try things and then we can make further distinctions on a better way to be. So, uh, thanks for,

thanks for bringing your email and being courageous in telling us your story and giving us your question. You've made a great episode of the love life podcast. And we hope to hear from you again for anyone else who wants to email in Steve, where should they go? Go to podcast at matthewhussey.com or more accurately, send an email to podcast at matthewhussey.com and I'll rummage through them. All right. Thanks everyone. Go subscribe to the podcast Love Life at, well, Love Life is the name of the podcast, Love Life with Matthew Hussey. That is on iTunes. Subscribe and leave us a review. All right. Thanks, everyone. Bye-bye. I'm looking for love.