Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 104: "He STILL Doesn't Want Kids After 8 Years. What Should I Do?"

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

What if you're with the "perfect" partner, they treat you wonderfully, but they're always putting off wanting kids? In this episode, Matt and Steve talk about how to do what's really right for you, and dealing with the fight between your head and your heart. --- Join us on our virtual retreat on March 19-21! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... (EARLY BIRD SPECIAL OFFER - book your spot before April 30th and get 25% off + special exclusive bonuses! Claim your ticket here) --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- Also, we love to hear from you! You can email the show at [e-mail]! 

Welcome back to the Love Life podcast with your favorite two boys, Matthew and Stephen. Matt, I wanted to bring this email to you today because it's on a big kind of heavy topic, but I know it's one that so many people out there who are listening and watching, many people will relate to it. So this is from, I'm going to, she put her name at the end of the email, but she signed off anonymous. So I'm going to respect that. So this is from an anonymous emailer. She says, I've been with my guy for nine years. He's a great guy and he treats me well, but deathly afraid of commitment. His parents are divorced. I'm okay with not getting married, but really want a child. I'm 37 and he's 46, so our clock is ticking. We've been on and off because of the commitment issue,

but last year he agreed to have a kid together. Now he's backpedaling because he says he's getting too old. He's a young looking guy still and just very afraid to dive in. He still wants to use condoms or pull out. How do I get him to try it? You leave the relationship is what you do next. The PS she adds at the end is I told him I have to start looking elsewhere if I want to start a family. He knows he does. I think she means he knows he does want something, but he's just afraid to take the steps forward. Should I start looking elsewhere? I've even considered in vitro.

I really want to build a family, but he is dragging along and it never feels certain. He's the love of my life, but I really want to be a mother. Please help. She leaves. And this guy, she's saying he's the love of her life yeah if it's essential for her to have children to fulfill the blueprint she wants to have in her

life and that's more important then she leaves because the evidence suggests she can't have both this is look the answer isn't the same at every age there are age ranges where someone could say not something not the same thing because nine years is nine years. Did I hear that right? She said nine years. So nine years is nine years at any age, right? That's a long time to be with someone. Now, if you started a nine-year relationship at 21 and then you got to 30 and someone was still saying, I want a family, but I'm just, I just don't want to do it with you yet. You know, I still feel like there's more that we need to do and whatever, but like, it's you and me, like we're doing this and I'm definitely

want a family. Then, then if you trust that person and you trust that they're not just telling you what you want to hear, that's a, that's a calculated risk to say I'm going to stay with this person who's telling me they want this but that they would rather do it at 33 with me or 35 than do it right now and even then we know like there there could be fertility problems at any age and the likelihood of that increases with age. But if she's 37 and she's with a guy in his mid-40s who is still not sure what he wants, which is absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with someone being in their 40s and saying, I don't know what I want. But imposing it on somebody else

is where it becomes a problem. Imposing your uncertainty on somebody else in a way that could cost them their dream is a problem. And it will, anonymous, cost you your dream. And you have two things that you really want.

You want a family of your own. And I'm not saying anybody, I'm saying you. You want a family of your own. And you want this guy. And I would argue that the evidence is stacked against you having, being able to have both. And this person has for nine years flip-flopped and said, they're ready. They're not ready.

They're ready. They're not ready. I'm going to be ready next year. Now this year comes around, still not ready. This person, if what are you going to do in five years, if you can't any longer have children and this person has run out the clock on your time, which by the way, is never this person running out the clock on your time. You, in this case where you have information, someone's not lied in a sense he's missed. He's lied perhaps in the context of the last 12 months in saying, I want this and then backpedaling. And maybe he didn't even lie. Maybe he thought he did, but then he didn't again. And so on. Maybe in his mind, it's not even a lie. It's just a change of heart, but he's given you the information you need.

He's given you the information to know that either he is deathly afraid and doesn't want to make that commitment or that he can't be relied upon to follow through with that commitment, even in the moments where he thinks he wants it. And if he's 46 and feeling that now, what evidence do you have for the fact that this man is going to be any different at 50? And he might be different at 50. He might be. Four years time, he might be different at 50. He might be four years time. He might be different, but that's four years of running out the clock for yourself biologically. Can you take that risk? And the only question that matters really is can, will you be happy if you stay with this man and you never get to have kids because that's probable will you be happy if you stay with this man and you never get to have

kids the information if that's the case that you can't be happy, if you decide I can't be happy that I am, I know I'm going to resent this man for the rest of my life. If that's the case, then you can't be there. If you're saying ultimately, I'd rather have the man than the kids. That's different. That's awareness. That's children would be nice. But ultimately, actually, what I want more is to be with this man. And having children is secondary to me. I can be happy without that. But I don't want to lose this person because him and I are really happy.

And that's the future I want. That's different. That's a different calculation. But it doesn't sound like that's true. From the nature of your question, it doesn't sound like that's true. It sounds like having children is a fundamental part of your blueprint that you would like to have in your lifetime and that you have currently abdicated responsibility for making that happen in your life by delegating it to somebody else where you've completely lost control over the outcome. And by the way, it brings up other questions. If you leave him now, what do you do about having

kids? Do you meet someone in time? Maybe you don't. Are you going to have them on your own? Is it that important to you? Maybe it is. If so, you don't rely on a man at all to help you achieve that goal. You do it because that's what you want to do. And you say to yourself, the hardships of being a single mother are something I'm willing to endure because this is something that's that important to me. But these are the kinds of fundamental questions you need to ask yourself. They're big questions. I'm not making light of how big these questions are. They are big questions. But they're the essential questions right now.

Because if you're not asking them, you will be unconscious until it's too late. And then you'll wake up to a reality where it's no longer an option and you will hate him for it. And there's no guarantee, by the way, that that man is even going to, the goal of you wanting children. There's a good chance that's not going anywhere that that will never go away, but there's a good chance that this man won't be in your life in 10 years. So you could end up without the kids or the man you're holding onto the man as if like by not having the kids or by, by relaxing on that whole thing, I'm holding on to the man, but you're not, you've got no guarantee of holding onto him either, especially with the way he's talking. I don't know your mind, but I know from the nature of your question that it sounds like this is an extremely important goal to you. And it sounds like you

really are ignoring the fact that you're with someone right now who's not come around to that goal in nine years is 46 and is dangerously close to running out the time on your biological clock. And it's time to get honest with yourself about that. If nothing else, if you're going to stay with him, be honest about the consequences of staying with him. Do not live in the fantasy land of staying with him is going to mean what you want it to mean. At least be honest about what this is going to cost you. That's all. You've talked before about the one day wager and it's a hell of a lot of chips to put on the table to hope that one day someone will suddenly be a different person they've been for the last nine years yep i wouldn't make that bet

unless like you say you've become truly resigned to the possible outcome. Well, yeah. And I think I know people get in this dilemma because the subject line of this email was literally good guy afraid of commitment. And that is the worst part, right? Is when it's like everyone sees how great he is and everything that's right a complete non-sequitur complete non-sequitur good guy afraid of commitment

you might as well be saying you know likes eggs takes baths every day. Like it, it's not, you're talking like those two things are related and that one is going to allow you to be, to, to ignore the other, which is clearly not, you wouldn't be emailing us this question in the first place. I'm not having a go at the guy. I'm not, this isn't about this podcast. You know, not that it's even always to do with relationships and dating, but it's not about bashing agenda. I don't, I don't have a problem. I'm not one of these people that I really can't stand when people are like, Oh, a man in his forties who still hasn't settled down or whatever. It's like, give me a break. Not everyone has to settle down.

Not everyone has to have a relationship. Not everyone has to be married. Not everyone has to want kids. You're not deficient because you don't want the same thing as everybody else. But the problem occurs when you don't want the same thing as somebody else fundamentally, but you're still stringing them along in life.

And the problem occurs when you know that the person you're still stringing them along in life. And the problem occurs when you know that the person you're with doesn't want, no, doesn't want what you want fundamentally, and you're allowing them to string you along in life because it stops becoming their fault. And it starts becoming our fault for not listening. Yes. Yeah. Once you have the information, now you've got responsibility and your responsibility is to act and not trying to crack a code. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard.

It's hard to let go. It is, but letting go can be the thing that saves your life. Yeah. Well, I don't exactly know how to cap that off, but I know it's really, really important that a lot of people heard that. And I know I can even see in comments now,

just people are familiar with this situation everywhere, all over the world, all the time. You and I have dealt with it for the last decade of, you know, dealing with so many people in this realm of their lives. But you'll get power. You'll get power from it. Once you do it and you can breathe again and you have the space and you've moved through the fog, you'll have unbelievable power.

And guess what, Anonymous? If you leave it and you find yourself waking up into a new chapter of your life, we'll be there for you. We'll be there to start again with you. That's what we're here for. Whether you're in year nine of a relationship and you want to stay there or whether the best thing is for you to leave and you're starting a whole new chapter, we'll be there either way.

You have support around you. And there will be another chapter. This isn't the only episode of your life. There will be another chapter. But if the episode that's happening right now is on repeat, if it's not evolving, if the relationship itself isn't offering you new episodes, then we have to start a new episode outside of the relationship. Either way, a new episode, well, either way, a new episode is available to you.

Life isn't over because a relationship is over. A new episode is coming, but you have to be brave enough to choose a new episode if the relationship you're in isn't offering you anything but reruns. I've just seen a message here from Katie who said, she just pulled the pin on her two and a half year relationship. I want marriage and kids and he doesn't. And that is okay. We would be miserable folding to the other person's desires. Best move I ever made. I want marriage and kids and he doesn't. And that is okay. We would be miserable

folding to the other person's desires. Best move I ever made. I wish him well. And you know what allows you to wish someone well is when you leave on time. All right. We think about arriving on time. Let's talk about leaving on time. When you can wish someone well, it's because you left on time because you didn't allow them to waste your life. And you can walk away and say, they wanted different things than me. They couldn't give me what I wanted. I wished them well. The kind of anger that people stew on for years is the resentment that comes from wasted time because they didn't leave on time. Leave on time. All right. Well, I think we'll wish you all the best anonymous from there and wrap up this episode. But thank you so much everyone for listening.

Really, really glad we got this message out if you want to follow us and subscribe go to itunes spotify stitcher follow the love life podcast we will be here as matthew says to guide you on your next steps whatever they are and uh thanks matt thanks for that it's uh i'm glad we were here to do this. Me too. Great question, Stephen. Amazing co-host as always. And we look forward to seeing you in the next episode of Love Life. Subscribe, leave us a review on iTunes.

Send us your questions into podcast at MatthewHussey.com. And we look forward to the next episode with you guys. Be well. We love you all thanks everyone i see the blog sites got a new wife shorty got a new book yeah love beautiful