Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 107: Can you mess it up with the right person?

Episode Date: April 24, 2021

Is it possible to mess it up with the right person? Can you miss your chance if you make the wrong move?  When you make a mistake, the worst feeling in the world is, "what if I had done things differently?" We talk about how to get over your past failures in love and the mindset that will stop you living in regret.  --- Join us on our virtual retreat on March 19-21! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... (EARLY BIRD SPECIAL OFFER - book your spot before April 30th and get 25% off + special exclusive bonuses! Claim your ticket here) --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- Also, we love to hear from you! You can email the show at [e-mail]!       

well we got an email in mat, Matthew, which was from a man, 27, in Denmark. And he says, Hi, if we can do all these things right and wrong in dating, which you address in your advice, how can it be true to say that the right person will also choose you? I was recently dumped by a girl I dated for six weeks and I have been torturing myself ever since trying to figure out if I lost out on her because I failed to implement the advice you give on dating and flirting. Thank you so much for your wonderful work. What a great question we do we know his name or he didn't offer his name or doesn't want to his name is in the subject line but not in the email so i'm going to be

anonymous i feel i feel that gets i feel that gets to the crux of if there's fate or choice in love i believe that this is a paradox to be managed that we do have a choice over how we act how we behave but that we also and and of course what that does is it invites the kind of self-loathing and guilt and anxiety that comes from thinking we blew it. We could have done something different and we blew it. Had we done something different, we would have still had that person now. But then, of course, someone will watch me in another video and say that person if they didn't choose you then then they weren't for you right and people will say well how do you manage those two ideas because if i'd have done something different your your entire your entire advice and what you do is based on this idea that we can change the results we're getting based on changes in our behavior.

And if there's a right person for me, then I can't blow it with them, right? Like, how can I blow it if they're the right person and we match? Then, you know, is it possible to blow it with the one? So going back to a previous relationship, firstly, it would certainly have been true that had you done something different in a relationship that you were in, you would have gotten a different result. Now, the different result may not have been the result you wanted, or it may have. It may have been that that person decided they wanted to stay with you it might be that if you did something different they would have stayed with you for another six months before bailing or you would have prolonged the relationship by

another two years it if you didn't have that argument that you had that day that precipitated the breakup, that argument may have happened a week later, it would have changed something. But assuming it would have changed it to the result you want is not necessarily true, highly unlikely. So that's the first thing. But yes, changes in behavior change the outcome. But the idea that if only I'd have done something different is where the kind of ridiculous notion, this is where, this is where we're torturing ourselves over science fiction. You, you did what you did because that's who you were then.

Like I, I do believe in a kind of determinism. because that's who you were then. Like I, I do believe in a kind of determinism that you were always going to do what you did. Then you, you wishing you'd done something different is you wanting to be another human being. It's, it's your desire to be living in some parallel universe. Because in this universe, that's not what was going to happen. You did what you did.

That based on your brain chemistry, based on your experience, based on your upbringing, based on your inputs in life, societal, environmental, cultural, based on your insecurities, based on your strengths, you did what you did. It's also, by the way, based on your strengths that you were even in that relationship in the first place, right? Not just your weaknesses, but your strengths is what meant you were even in that relationship. So firstly, you can't undo something you wish you'd done differently without also unraveling all of the good things about you that have brought you the good things in your life. We don't get to be a la carte in our wanting to strip away one piece of our DNA that says, I no longer do that thing without changing the whole system. Wishing that we did something different is wishing to be a different person. We don't get to do that. But that experience,

having that experience, having losing someone, going through something becomes a new input in the system that changes us in some way. And that change is what's given us the insight now that makes us say, I would do something different next time. But you don't have that insight without having done certain things. By the way, to the guy that wrote this in, it doesn't mean by the way, don't, don't mistake what I'm saying with the agreement that it was just him that, that created that breakup. It, the, you know, we, we think if I'd have just done, you know, it's like groundhog day, right? When Bill Murray thinks that he's figured out how to get the girl and he keeps trying to replicate the day that she fell for him. And no matter what he does, he keeps going back thinking that by changing something, he's going to be able to program the result and he can't, it doesn't work. He keeps reprograms it again and again and again, hundreds of times and nothing.

He keeps getting the wrong result. We think if we went back and changed the thing that we think was the problem, then we'd get the result we want. And really only changes for him when he has become a completely different person over essentially years within the confines of the movie. He's completely different as a person. Exactly. Because getting someone is not... The things that we talk about, Steve, the big misunderstanding about what we do is that it's just about strategies. It's about becoming an evolved version of yourself. They're congruent. They're not a strategy in isolation. They're a natural extension of the confidence and the self-love and the love for other people that you've developed.

That takes time. And going back and simply changing a strategy doesn't mean you'd get the result that you wanted. And it doesn't mean that was everything that was wrong in the first place. She could have broken up with him for any number of reasons that he doesn't know about that would involve a fundamental change in his being, which he wouldn't be willing or able to do. Yeah. So we have to accept that I'm only having this feeling of, of, of guilt or self-loathing or wishing I could change something. I'm only having that now

because it happened. I wouldn't have this insight now that makes me want to change and be able to do something different and go back. I'm only having that insight now because that thing happened. I don't get the insight without the heartbreak. Yeah. I can't. And you might say, yeah, but Matt, I knew, I knew even then I was like, if I keep being jealous like this, if I keep being controlling like this, I'm going to lose this person. I knew that then this isn't new information. I knew it then and I still did it. Yeah. You didn't know it enough. You knew then logically you even knew emotionally, but not enough, not enough to make you go, I'm never doing this again because I can't bear to be this way anymore. There's a certain point in life where we

personally get to a point of saying, I can't bear to be a certain way anymore. I'm not, I'm unprepared, unwilling, unable to live a certain way anymore. And there's truth to that idea that people change when they're ready, not when they think it's a good idea. And ready doesn't mean I'm ready to change now. Ready means I'm, I cannot be this way anymore. Yeah. And, and you can lose someone by doing something. You even knew it would cost you this person. If you kept doing it you knew they came home you decided to to be controlling or go on a jealous tirade or say something and you knew a part of you knew even when you did it this i know that i doing this is going to create even more problems in my relationship it's going to make someone

think i'm i'm too much or it's going to, you knew, but you weren't ready to change it. Yeah. It's like your body hasn't caught up to your brain yet. You can like know how to do a great tennis serve, but you're not ready. You haven't, you haven't actually learned and mastered it yet. You're still figuring it out. And it's like, like going back and being like, man, when I screwed up when I was 21 with

that first, you know, that first serious girlfriend, or if I wasn't that insecure mess, it's like you were a different person then. And you had to go through so much evolving, so many'm going to change is usually a result of our heartbreaks. And I'm not just talking in love. I'm talking in any part of life. Our hearts break in many different ways in our lifetimes. Sometimes we get to a point where something we've been doing to our body physically creates a trauma for us, or it makes us have to go through some disease, some physical problem that wakes us up and makes us go, oh my God, never again. I can't live like this anymore. And there's a kind of heartbreak that has led to that. There's the heartbreak of I've

hurt myself. There's a heartbreak of my body doesn't work the way that I want it to anymore as a result of what I've been doing to it. There's the heart, there's a loss there. There's a, you know, the heartbreak comes in many different ways in life. And, and sometimes the heartbreak is just that, you know, you can get an existential heartbreak where you go, I've, you know, you can achieve and do all the things you think we're going to make you happy in life. And none of them worked. And you got to a place of heartbreak. You were heartbroken. We may not think of it like this, but it's a kind of heartbreak, a kind of existential heartbreak. I thought all of this would make me happy. I thought if I made enough money, I thought if I outran my problems from childhood by achieving, I thought if I could

just make myself popular enough in the second phase of my life or the third phase of my life, if I could make everyone love me, I thought that would work. And none of it did. And now you're heartbroken. You're heartbroken. And that makes you look for something else. It makes you say, I need something else in my life. I need to do something else. I've got to do things differently. I've got to go on a different path to find some new level of meaning, find peace somewhere else. It's not in these things. I'm heartbroken. You're heartbroken. But you don't get to that heartbreak without having done those things. It's the heartbreak that precipitates the change and wishing that you'd made the change

before the heartbreak is like wishing that two plus two equaled five. It wasn't going to happen that way. You needed this to get to that. And so I say to this guy, you're wishing that your email to us, it's not that changes in your behavior for 14 years, I've talked about behavioral changes that can lead to more attraction, more relationships, better relationships, better relationship with yourself. It's not that those things aren't true. It's not that you can't make a change in the system that changes your outcome. That's true. But whether you're capable of making that change in that very moment is dependent on all of the dominoes that went before that in your life that led to this moment and whether your

brain, your mind, the way you think, the way you're set up to make decisions or act is ready for that next domino or maybe it's not. But by the way, even when Steve, people come across us, and I know I'm getting real, like this is a bit heady, but when someone meets us and comes across our work, that's a new, that's a change in the system. That's an input into the system that they may not have had if they didn't stumble across that YouTube video. So the very fact that they do, you know, like Steve, it's like when someone says to us, I wish I discovered you 20 years ago. Right. I wish you'd, I wish I'd seen your videos 10 years ago. And you know, I wish I'd been doing this differently all along. You got the input when you did, you couldn't control that.

The input came into your life when it did. And that's now introduced a change in the system when it has, but wishing that, that you'd have had this sooner is like, again, it's like wishing for a change in the laws of physics, that guy emailing us saying, Matt, I, I, you know, what he's at the crux of his question is this. You say that if we do things differently, we will get a different result. And I love the empowerment that comes from that. However, in this case, me believing that equates to me hating myself. Because what it means is I could have done something different and therefore I am at fault for the loss of the love in my life or the love of my life. So believing what you say that we have agency is the same thing as hating myself for not being proactive with that agency

and not doing what I could have. And what I am saying to you, sir, is that you have agency, but the agency you now have, the heightened level of agency you now have, could only for you in your life have come from this situation that has arisen. And you wishing that you could have done something different is you wishing for a different universe. Because the one way you're emailing us now saying this only happens with that sequence of events. Well, I think we've solved not only his romantic issue, but perhaps his views on determinism and existentialism, fate and luck.

I feel we've solved free will here. I know, I realise we've covered a lot of yeah heady episode but hopefully it lands i really hope it lands because i believe that in there is the key to to self-forgiveness yeah One of the worst feelings in the world is when we torture ourselves over things we could have done differently. And one of the great gifts that I'm able to give myself in my more sober and wise moments is to know that younger Matthew, and by that, I mean, Matthew from six months ago, a year ago, three years ago, he did what he was always going to do. And that there isn't a world where he did something different. If it is, it's not our world. This Matthew did what he was going to do. So the self-loathing has to be let go of because

I was never going to do something different. That's what I was going to do because that's what I did. So it doesn't mean it didn't cost me. It doesn't mean that there's not pain in my life as a result of things I've done. It's just that I wasn't going to do something different. So I can, I have the pain, but torturing myself for it is, is, you know, it's to wish for a different, a different universal together. And it's, it's also a lack of acknowledgement of the treasure that that pain has brought me and will bring me in my life as a result of the response I'm now having. That guy who wrote that email in, to wish, he is about to gain a whole lot of treasure in his life. As a result of that breakup, sending us this email, hearing all of this today and all of the decisions he's going to make as a result of that, all of the things he's going to do,

what he'll pass on to other people, what he'll do in his life, all of those things is treasure that could only have arisen out of that. And so his desire to go and change that is actually a desire to be a more ignorant person because he wouldn't be having this insight right now. And all of the treasure that would have come out of that insight would never come to him without it. So it's not just wishing for a different universe. It's wishing for a more ignorant version of ourselves and take heart in knowing that if you did do something different and you kept a more ignorant version of yourself,

you'd be just as liable to make the same mistakes a year on in your life anyway, or six months on or whatever. Those mistakes would still be there in waiting for you because you wouldn't have got the wisdom that comes from making them yeah make your mistakes early man and turn them into lessons and uh you're well on your way you're 27 take make all the mistakes now and uh and uh take the wisdom from it all right um well thank you so much everyone for joining and uh well please like and subscribe to the podcast on itunes spotify stitcher love life podcast you're listening to it right now but do go if you aren't already do go to itunes and subscribe and if you're feeling really lovely leave us a review um because it helps us get

noticed can i just say as well if you this this could be a fun little thing i really do right now the podcast is important to us and it's something that i feel like steve people are getting a different side of us in the podcast um they you know, you know, it's, it's not, it's not mechanical. I hope people can hear and see that we're bringing a very, we're doing what we always do, right. Bringing just ourselves to this medium. And I know that there are so many podcasts out there. You could be listening to, we want to make it worth your while to listen to this one. And, um, and so when you do leave us a review on iTunes, it genuinely, like I went yesterday and I read those reviews and the new ones mean so much to me when I get one from literally yesterday or today, it means so much to me. If you, um, I,

I'm going to do this on this podcast. I don't know if we'll be able to do this again, but if you, uh, if you leave a review today on the iTunes podcast, letting us know what you think of it and you screenshot that review and send it to me on Instagram, uh, in the DMS, I'm going to respond to those. Uh, even if it's just to say, hi, I'm going to be responding personally, um, because I truly appreciate it. I love reading them and it's nice to say hi, I'm going to be responding personally because I truly appreciate it. I love reading them and it's nice to have that point of contact with my listeners. So yeah, if you leave a review on iTunes and screenshot that and send it to me in the DMs on Instagram, I'll shoot you a message back. Thank you so much, everybody. Oh oh and my instagram is at the matthew hussey and if you want to leave

a review that involves steve feel free to screenshot it and send it in the dms to steven at steven hussey on instagram steve is your instagram at steven h hussey or at steven hussey yeah at steven h hussey but you'll find it if you search Stephen Hussey Instagram. It's not a bigger one, is there, mate? Not yet. Not a bigger Stephen Hussey. All right. Thank you, everyone.

We'll see you next time. All right. Thanks, guys. I see the blog sites. Wookiee Wook got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo. Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.