Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 109: When you and your partner have different standards...

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

What do you do when you're dating someone, but you're worried they don't appreciate the effort you make? And will they step up their standards when you move in together, or are they going to stay the same forever? Join Matt and Stephen to talk all about standards! --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- Also, we love to hear from you! You can email the show at [e-mail]! 

All righty, well, hello everyone and welcome back to the love life podcast i'm stephen hussey i got my brother matthew hussey in the studio you may have heard of him he's from youtube you know that funny old place on the internet where people do pranks and weird things he's one of those guys uh but one of the nice ones so mat Matthew I got a question in from Jessica. Can I just say Steve, I'm wearing a nice plaid shirt today which admittedly is more of a full sort of set of colours than leading into summer but you haven't said a word about it. Right. And I know people can't see that,

but still you haven't even, you didn't even acknowledge it before we went live on the podcast. And I try, this is me. This is me. I'm at home right now. This is me making an effort. I didn't, this isn't,

I didn't get dressed to go somewhere. I got dressed for you. I was in my pajamas five minutes before. Jeremy will tell you. I was in my pajamas five minutes before, Jeremy will tell you, I was in my pajamas, mate, when Jeremy showed up. I was in a baggy pajama shirt. It's got holes in it. I went and got a coffee, Steve, in my pajamas before getting dressed for you. That means that I didn't get dressed for the world. went out in literally at Steve it was a baggy shirt 10 times too big for me with holes in it and and and pajama bottoms they're not they couldn't even pass as sweatpants that you'd wear to the gym they're quite clearly things that you should

only wear in and around the bed but But that's how people dress in LA. That's the thing, isn't it? You kind of look like you don't try when you just, when you go out to get a coffee, you have to look like celebrity on a day off where it's like there's holes in everything. I've got my cap pulled over my eyes and I just want to grab a smoothie

and a breakfast bunny bowl and head home. That's the sort of vibe. Let me correct you. Let me correct you because the people you're seeing going in and out of those coffee shops in LA, I guarantee you there isn't a hole in their clothing that's not bought and paid for. They are meant to be there in those holes. Fair enough.

Well, your little jacket looks, your little spring shirt, it's very light for you. Like you don't usually wear such bright sun reflective colours. And it looks like, you look like a sweet boy someone would take home to mum, like their parents. And their parents would think, oh, he's a well-turned-out, you know, he's a well-turned-out you know he's a well-turned-out fine young man that's the vibe you've gone for well uh ddom28 on instagram is actually saying

can we stay on topic which i think is my fault for taking us out of it so steve sorry you had a question for me today so we have a question from Jessica who says, Hi, Matt and Steve. I'd like your input on some strange feelings that I've been having that I'm not really sure what to do with. Your shirt, Matthew, makes me feel... No, I'm joking. She didn't say that. I met my boyfriend last year after I moved back home due to COVID. It's pretty clear we're a match

and I've been so impressed with him and the way he treats me. He never makes me feel like my feelings are invalid and even though sometimes it may take repetition, he hears and cares about any concerns I have. Here's the thing, he asked me to move in, which I eventually know will happen, but because of the pandemic we live home with our parents right now. His mum insists on cooking and cleaning. He takes full advantage of this even though he may want to cook and clean for himself because she makes it difficult to help her. I feel like I need to see what he'd be like without his mother cooking and cleaning for him because there have been a few times when I cooked for him and he didn't seem appreciative at all and I had to remind him I did something special for him.

I don't know how it's possible for me to see this through. Because in order for us to move in together, he's basically building a house. I think our values in this area may be too different because I was raised without anyone cooking or cleaning for me. So she basically says, I've talked to him about this he's aware of how i feel but i'm not exactly sure what to do or what else even needs to be talked about any insights you have would be greatly appreciated was this from did i what who is this from does she want to be mentioned yeah this is from jessica i think that comes down it comes down to the crux of someone has different values from you they treat their home cooking cleaning in a different way than you do

and she feels like it hasn't really been tested to see what he does and is he gonna just let her do all of that like he did his mum well i see i agree that on one level this question is about values but on another level this question is really about relationships relationships that jump to a stage where two people don't have all the information that they might want or need in order to move to that stage. Right. We don't know if they have different values yet, because as she rightly points out, she hasn't seen him in that environment. You know, she, he might be far better than she thinks he'll be once he's in that environment. We've all had that experience of, you know, you're sort of, there's a, an apathy, perhaps a little bit of an ignorance sometimes that comes from

a family situation where you take things for granted. And then you're quite a different person when you move out on your own. You know it brings out a different side to you he might be worse than she thinks he's gonna be he might be you know an entitled coddled little nightmare little lord fauntleroy when she gets him on his own so we don't know that yet that's the point how long have they been seeing each other um she says she met him last year after she moved back home due to covid right so look obviously there's been a lot of people who met during covid and then kind of ended up moving in together just because it was either that or don't see each other. And so they were thrown into these situations where it was an unnatural rate

of progress for a relationship. To some extent, you, you might say this is, this is fast, right? They met last year. They've only experienced living at home with his parents and she doesn't know what he'll be like outside of that. In a normal situation, she would have her own place and he would have his own place and they would see how it evolved from there, right? You spend a couple of nights at each other's, you see how that person is when they're in your space. Do they pick up after themselves? Do they help you make the bed in the morning? Are they a good teammate in your

environment? And what do they expect of you when you're in theirs? And from there, you can start to figure out whether living together feels right. You graduate from two nights a week to three nights a week before you know it. They've got a toothbrush at your house. You've got one at theirs. You know, you don't have to pack a bag as much. So it starts to graduate in organic ways. What she's really worried about is that this can't progress right now or doesn't seem to be able to progress in an organic way. So one way to look at that is to say, if first you could say, okay, let's have it progress in a more organic way. I'll get my own place, you get yours, and we'll see how that plays out. Or at least one of us gets our own place and you can still go back to your parents some nights and come stay at mine some other nights. That more organic now it may be that behind this is

a kind of financial situation plus maybe some hurt feelings if they don't decide as the next step to move in together but there might be some financial reasons that they're in right now. I, I think you have to start, if you're going to move at a pace, that's not organic, then you should at least have some pressure relieving conversations. So don't sign a two year lease. Maybe don't even sign a one year lease, sign a six month lease and be like, look, why don't we a two-year lease. Maybe don't even sign a one-year lease. Sign a six-month lease and be like, look, why don't we just try it?

No one's holding anyone to anything right now. You know, it's not that we don't go back to living separately after this. Why don't we just give it a try for a few months and just see how we get on? Like my preference, if finances weren't a problem at all, I would say to them, go rent an Airbnb for a month. Like don't even go straight into a lease. Literally rent an Airbnb, go live somewhere for 30 days together.

And just say like, you don't have to say, let's do this because I don't know how much of a nightmare you're going to be just yet. And I want to test. You just say, look, we've not done this before. It's exciting, but we also haven't had a chance to have our own space before. So why don't we just like rent a place for 30 days, go rent it for a month and just see you know like let's let's have some fun with it like and you can even pitch it as like let's enjoy the novelty of it a lot more like you know because maybe we want to live here for this month and try somewhere different for another month somewhere a bit further out of town or whatever like let's not throw ourselves into this right now let's let's get a space together and have some fun with that and see what we want to do

at the end of that period or if you want to do it for two months do it for two months but i would be a fan of like i'm a big fan of the mini experiment it's the same to me as if you move country if you anyone who says i want to go and live in italy go try it for a month like don't the idea of like upending i'm going to sell my home and go go move to italy because i have some idea in my mind of the fantasy of being in italy go be there for a month like rent a place for. Yes, it's going to cost a little more to rent a place for a month, but it's a lot less expensive than going and buying a house or going and signing a 12 month lease for something that two months in you realize was a horrific mistake.

Yeah. You want some ways of pulling the parachute on an idea, especially the bigger the plan, the bigger the change, have more measures in place so that you can pull back if it doesn't. If you roll the dice and it comes up a one or a two, be like, okay, we've got a plan B for this. Yeah. Yeah. You can take more serious steps, but have lighter conversations about them.

You can, I'll repeat that because I think it's very important because it's important for anyone listening to this right now, any stage of a relationship, serious steps don't need to come all the time with really heavy conversations. You can say to someone, Hey, look, no one's signing a contract in blood here we we are really having a good time together this seems to be like growing and it's it's you know like i think what we have is really great and if you agree then I think it would be fun to do this next thing. But, you know, no one's doing anything that they can't leave. Like, if you decide that it's too much for you, or if I decide it's too much for me, that could happen at any time. That's real life. Right? If we think, like, if one of us feels like it's not right at any time we can leave

that's the reality of it by the way whether you acknowledge that or not it's the truth so sometimes by acknowledging it by talking about it like it's okay if someone changes their mind but if we're not like giving it a go then then what's the point? I'm now into a different conversation because it's really about how to progress a little bit in commitment, but that is kind of the same thing, right? It's both the route to more commitment sometimes if you want more commitment, but it's also the route to more measured commitment if you're concerned about the next step. If you want to dip your toe in the water the conversation is useful in both directions because it's a pressure valve it's a pressure

valve and what she needs right now is not a crystal ball that tells her whether he's going to be able to evolve away from being the the you know the adolescent who's taken care of by his mom who doesn't say thank you outside of that situation instead of a crystal ball what she needs is a little a few reference points yeah you need more data it's it's too much of a you don't know what he'll be like in the environment just with you if If it was a more clear cut pattern where you're like, this guy doesn't have a job. He plays video games all day and has no motivation. Should I move in? It's like, he's not going to change because he moves in with you, but here you need data of what it's like living with you. If it's just this one area where it's like, how is it going to be dividing up the responsibilities?

Let's like give him some responsibility and see see if see how it goes but if you already then don't sign a 12-month lease to move in with someone go live with someone for a month somewhere pay a little extra to live in an airbnb together other ways of renting properties are available um this isn't this isn't an advertisement for airbnb but go go rent a place together for a month just do a short term see how you get on and get some get some data and if that goes well you'll have evidence for why you might want to try three months or six months and you can build from there in an organic way uh i love that i think that's great

and you know you gotta um you gotta show people the behavior you want uh but that's conversation for another time uh well thank you very much everyone uh we will see you on the next wonderful wicked whipsaw episode of the love life podcast i am stephen hussey he's matthew hussey go and subscribe to the podcast on itunes spotify all those platforms even stitcher yes you and we will see you next time sees ya i mean there's nothing I could add to that. Yeah, I couldn't finish after that. So, you very much

put a period on that episode. See you later! Give me another option. Sees you later! Bye. The people listening to this, this is how the sausage is made. The people watching on Facebook and Instagram, sometimes I say things again to get it listening to this this is how the sausage is made the people watching on facebook and instagram sometimes i say things again to get it for the audio because i have to cut bits out so you are

really seeing how the sausage is made here and it is dirty it is ugly and and it is horrifying and that's just and that's just stephen's demeanor i right well that's what that's just Stephen's demeanor. Well, that's an episode. That's an episode, yep. People over time have sort of thought, oh, Matt, stop like digging at your brother. I think what they're coming to realise, they're coming to a point of increased empathy with me where they're realising they just hadn't seen the dynamic enough.

Like they thought I wore the trousers in everything, but I think they've just seen who wears the trousers. You called the end of that. Right. That is horse manure, my friend. And you sitting there in your little dad shirt. Oh, Steve, here we go. Oh, here we go.

Yeah. Now you're having a go at the shirt. The real Steve comes out oh my event is I wore a new shirt today can I have a prize and

you know I'm sitting here bringing the questions I'm bringing the questions trying to help you no come on let's let's see the real Steve

because everyone has this impression that I I come in all controlling, and you're like, leave your brother alone, Matt. I just, now you're seeing it. Oh, Steve, I wore a shirt today for the podcast. Well, I brought you some questions, Matt,

that I fielded from social media, and I'm hosting it, and recording it, all right? So, you're going, oh, I've worn a shirt. Oh, oh, Mr. Magnanimous. Here he goes. Right, well, can we do the second episode? Because I'm getting a bit... Yeah, go on then. Let's do another one.