Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 116: Advice We Would Give Ourselves 10 Years Ago...(Featuring YOUR responses)

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

Matt and Steve sit down for a live session to talk about YOUR answers to advice you would give yourself from 10 years ago on dating, love and relationships!  --- If you haven't locked in your place for the next Virtual Retreat this September 24-26, then now is the time.   Claiming your place this month will enter you into an exclusive drawing for the chance to receive one of three free tickets to the Virtual Retreat OR the grand prize of an exclusive 1:1 coaching session with me!   Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com to secure your spot.

Hey everyone, it's Stephen Hussey here, just setting up this week's episode. So this was a live stream where Matt and I talked about your answers to the question, what's one piece of advice you would give yourself if you could go back 10 years? What's one piece of advice on dating, love and relationships? And we talked about our own response to that question as well. And wouldn't you know it, people have a lot of advice for their former selves. And the idea of this episode isn't to, you know, indulge in regret and wondering about, you know, missed opportunities or past mistakes. It's more, I think it's instructive or useful sometimes to just go back and think, you know,

what's something I've really learned from all my experiences over the last decade and what's something I want to remember going forward, the important takeaway or lessons from those relationships or dating things I went through. So yeah, I hope you enjoy it. And also I wanted to let you know that we're doing a June retreat giveaway this month and essentially you have a chance to win a free ticket to our next virtual retreat this September 24th to the 26th so if you haven't claimed your ticket yet or you know you want to get on this now is the time because if you claim your place on the program this month you'll be entered into an exclusive draw for the chance to win one of three free tickets to the virtual retreat or the grand prize of an exclusive one-on-one coaching session with Matthew himself. So if you want to make sure you grab this

opportunity, go and book your call with one of our retreat specialists at mhvirtualretreat.com and claim your place and you'll be entered into that competition automatically. And also, just for everyone who gets on board with the retreat this month in June, we have a very special live Q&A that you're going to be booked onto for August as well, where we're going to be answering some of your personal questions and doing that in real time. So if you want to get on board and you know that you really, really want to do this retreat, this is the time to get on board and you know that you really, really want to do this retreat, this is the time to get your place. It is at mhvirtualretreat.com and us and the team and the entire retreat family would love to see you there. All right, on with the show. I'll catch you soon.

All right, well, welcome everyone to the Love Life Podcast. We are snuggled up in London town for, I guess, a little June getaway. In what is, can I say, just a very urban chic East End apartment. Right, we said this could be like they're filming, like, we want dudes apartment for a Seth Rogen movie. We need like dude's generic apartment. I'm just trying to, for the people that can actually see this on camera, I'm trying to just show them a couple of views here. It's like if they shot, you know how Friends was shot in these apartments in New York that clearly like you would have to be a multi-millionaire to own.

And they were in these giant apartments in central Manhattan. Right. Right. It feels like that. If they were to shoot, if they would shoot like people who are like, you know, trying to make it in life in a London apartment that is actually like a really beautiful apartment.

This is. Right. This is where they'd shoot it. It's very nice though, isn't it? It's really nice. I'm having a lovely time. So we talked about what's one piece of advice you would give yourself 10 years ago about love. I think this is always interesting because it tells you what people feel like was the hardest one wisdom they've managed to acquire over the time from

trying and having some bad experiences having some good experiences so i'm going to give you a few matt and i think a couple i might disagree with and i want to hear what you think as well so were these the most liked comments from people who had commented on this post yeah these were some of the most liked the top voted okay um and by the way uh instagram i can see that it might cut out at some point because my phone that i'm running instagram on is gonna die if it cuts out on instagram come over to either facebook or youtube where we're also streaming this live. Stephen back to you. Okay so first one kick us off this is probably for a good reason top voted on Instagram and this is by Frank Shalfas. Simply says take the red flags you see you clearly see seriously take the red flags you clearly see seriously i think everyone can relate to having ignored things to having not known maybe maybe in the first instance

you don't always exactly know it's as big a red flag as it is but you kind of just hope things will get better you hope that this isn't this is just a pattern you can kind of massage out of them because they've got other great qualities that feels like sort of one of the first mistakes you ever make in dating don't you think yes well and also understanding what are the red flags that matter that there's you know we can grow up thinking there's all different versions of a red flag, but what are the red flags that you should actually be paying attention to? People see the green lights as charisma and someone who's got a dazzling spark about them and someone who's witty or someone who's, you know, enthralling.

Those are all like green lights. But when they see red flags, a lot of us tend to ignore them. And I like to think that sometimes the older we get, the more we start to appreciate what we really want in a person. You know, in the last year, I think people have come to see perhaps more so through the pandemic, especially if they were in a relationship that ended. What were the true red flags? Right. What were the, what, or rather, what were the qualities that showed them to be not a very good person to go through this with? Was it lack of care, lack of empathy, lack of understanding, inability to compromise, to sacrifice? You know, all of those things come out in the early stages so yeah but i do agree

it's a good piece of advice not ignoring the red flags you see early on and i think when we're young we get so excited when there's several green lights that we just sort of boulder through because we might think i've never dated someone who i'm really attracted to before who's intelligent who's got these qualities. So you kind of just get so excited by that. Right. That you think, just ignore the fact they've got toxic jealousy. Just push that to one side because look at me. Play the guitar.

Because look at me. I'm with this sexy person. I'm finally. Yeah. Yeah. They look good in a trilby. I've never dated anyone before that looks good in a trilby hat. To be fair, she was a lovely girl. I love that girlfriend of yours in a trilby. I've never dated anyone before that looks good in a trilby hat. To be fair,

she was a lovely girl. I love that girlfriend of yours, the trilby one. And she did rock a great trilby. We have, and I think this is a good one. Therapy with Shaurya says, you don't have to be perfect

to love or to be loved. You don't have to be perfect. love or to be loved you don't have to be perfect that's great that's great advice that's great advice i think we sometimes see life as just this endless progression of endless process of trying to round all of our edges trying to just like score highly in every category. And at a certain point, you realize like this thing that, oh, I wish this was easy for me. It's easy for my friend or this thing. Other people seem to find this so easy and I find it really hard. And you just, at a certain point, I think in life you go, yeah, but I'm not my friend. I'm not other people. I'm not the person that finds that easy.

It'd be nice if I was. I'm just not. Like that's, it doesn't mean it's not worth improving things. It's just worth understanding that a certain, you know, John, John said to me once, this is a friend of mine in Los Angeles. He said, life gets really great when you basically say, fuck it. This person I am is basically who I am. Like life gets really good at that point.

And I do think it's not an excuse not to grow or not to try and improve yourself. But it is kind of an acceptance of who you are and knowing that that will be enough for someone yeah for sure i think it's sad as well when people stop themselves getting into relationships or they think i haven't got myself to a hundred percent yet so i shouldn't get into a relationship i think that's a mistake i I think you do have to be willing to say, hey, like you say, someone's got to love these parts of me that aren't as lovable.

Yeah. I also love the whole like, oh, you have to be totally okay with yourself for being on your own before you get in a relationship. I'm like, well, then how is half the world in relationships then? Right. So that was one on here that I wanted to bring to you

someone said fix your insecurities first good luck well elaborate sir you're just going to leave them with that yeah imagine that as a quote from a sort of like confidence coach yeah you know you gotta fix your insecurities good luck i i mean to say that firstly insecurities different insecurities come up at different times in life have you ever hit just a new have you ever got to like a new age or just like out of nowhere out of it just what i'm fascinated by the

day that something that has been there for a minute starts like actually turns into an insecurity you know what i mean like everything has a line. We get older. We lose certain things. We gain certain things we don't want. We grow certain things we don't want. Like there's always something changing. That bloody year here, mate. That started. Now I'm in my 30s.

But guess what? Like it didn't bother you when it was a little bit. Didn't bother you when it was a bit more. And then a bit more. And at a certain point you went i'm insecure about this like it's start there's a moment where something that didn't bother you suddenly bothers you sometimes someone will comment like someone will say a comment that you'd never even considered right and you go oh no there there it is a new thing there's a new thing

so that insecurities are like whack-a-mole. Right. Like you just get one, another one comes up and another one comes up. So the idea that you have to eradicate all of your insecurity and be a complete person in every way before you get into a relationship is just, is such a, I find that so disingenuous. Because no one gets to that point before they're in a relationship because everyone's always got something yeah we've all got something but you're working on them and hopefully you find a person who's really great at working on things with who's really enjoyable going through the process of growing with yeah she someone said don't ruin guacamole

please but i wasn't talking about guacamole i was saying whack-a-mole you know that that fairground game where you're whacking the moles with a hammer and another one comes up i wasn't talking about guacamole don't worry now that's safe i safe. I would never make a guacamole reference negatively. Hello to Lauren Ross who says, can you talk about guys ghosting? Need we say more about ghosting? I think if someone ghosts you, move as quickly to the next person as possible.

Do not wait for closure. It's overrated. Claire Madrell says we should stream on Twitch. You'd like that, wouldn't you? I'd love to stream on Twitch. You'd play Death Stranding which is a reference

99% of this audience is not going to get. I play a lot of games, okay? And we'd sit there and talk about dating advice while you play your little game.

We'll do a little Twitch channel. Alright, we'll see if Harry comes comes back to us what's what's next what's the next piece of advice that people said they'd give to themselves 10 years ago okay um we have what about wait just before that the person has said the advice i'd give myself is to get rid of your own insecurities before getting into a relationship. What would be the advice that we would get? Like if we could convert that advice into something that I feel good about, I suppose I would say find, find someone who's an awesome teammate to work on yourself with and i would say you know

look we want to get to a we we ideally want to get to a point with ourself where our insecurities and our neurosis isn't so bad that we sabotage relationships before they can even begin. But I also think that a big part of that advice is find a teammate who's really wonderful at going on the journey of healing with. Yeah. Someone who soothes you, not someone who aggravates all of the worst tendencies you have. Yeah, yeah. All right.

What's next? Next one is Veronica, who says, intense love does not mean real love. Do not let the chemicals in your brain get you stuck in relationships based on sexual attraction. And similarly... It's a good one. Krista said, you don't fall in and out of love, you fall in and out of lust. Love is a choice. A choice to honour, protect, enjoy, serve. Choose wisely.

So two questions there. Two ones there saying that don't fall in lust. Saying that essentially that chemical attraction is overrated. Yeah. I think that's probably true. I think that's probably true. I think it's certainly dangerous. But it's the first bar you need, right? Well, a lot of people would never sign the old contract, the old love contract that is marriage without all those chemicals.

Yeah, you need the old chemicals to get you high at the beginning and get you going like, hey, I want to move in with this person. But people get married after several years. You can sort of trust that, can't you? Yes. The people who get married after six months, high on love fumes, they're the ones that you hope the contract's going to keep them going right because right now there's an intoxicated sort of free song of emotion

that is carrying them i do i i think that the old chemical thing is important in the beginning but i do think that we overrate it and i do think that it blinds us to the things that actually make for a great long-term partner yeah it does and I've always said if you see your relationship as you know a beautiful painting the half of that painting is the chemistry oh my god we like the same things it's so exciting they're so sexy I'm so attracted to them i want to tear their clothes off but the whole other half is how do they treat you do you both have a sort of long-term plan that you share together that you want to go down together are you both tolerant of each other's flaws and that's like the other half that a lot of people just kind of brush aside because validation is nice because feeling loved and feeling like you're having great sex is nice and how's the conversation that's an important one sometimes you even have

good conversation and they're bad and it's it's lust it's you're having good conversation you're like oh it's exciting but oh the other half of the time it's really toxic we have arguments and they get annoyed over nothing and they're jealous and they're needy and there's you know all this stuff but you might be like oh it's really really fun spending an evening together yeah and i think that even when someone is jealous or needy or whatever those are even things that can be worked out if other values are there if care is there if if you know if teamwork is there if two people really love each other and want to help each other heal and grow that those things can be overcome if two people um are committed to a vision of what they want their relationship to be if they're willing to make sacrifices like all of

those things are the things that are extremely important because you can overcome an incredible amount if you have those things yeah but if you don't great sex fun conversation and enjoying spending time together will not get you through all of the sort of traumas that you're bringing to the table together yeah for sure I uh if I was gonna give myself one I can say give myself one, I would go back it wasn't even that I was so desperate for the validation that I would just, you know, please my partner all the time, but it was more like I felt a sense of guilt or something. If I felt like I want to just do this for me, I want this time for myself, or this is something I want to do i don't want to do that um you know and kind of i would i would maybe because i'm quite empathetic i would feel bad if i felt like

oh they're not getting their way on this i want to make sure they're happy and i would kind of take on that role of almost being responsible for their happiness and if if I went back, I think I would tell myself, you're not responsible for someone else's happiness and you need to, you know, put yourself first at certain times. I think I'd tell myself that. That's a good one. But I think there's a loving way to do that. You can still make someone feel safe if you explain i think sometimes we do we it's possible to you people please but then when you do something for yourself you don't do

it in the right way yeah like you just go a bit cold on someone that day because you don't want to see them or you you want to see your friends or you want to get some alone time but you don't really communicate that you want alone time you don't communicate you're just like oh i need some space or time i'd like just just leave me alone so you come at it in a grumpy and resentful way or you don't even communicate it until the last minute because you're afraid of the response right yeah and then at the very last minute you say, I was thinking of spending today without you. And that's when someone's like, but, oh, okay.

And they're caught off guard by it. Right. Whereas if a couple of days ago you said, Hey, I'm thinking like on Thursday, I just want to, a night to myself. Cause I,

I need to like, you know, I've been feeling like I've been getting behind on stuff or I feel like I'm, you know, I haven't had a lot of time just to kind of be with my thoughts. And that time is always really important to me. And I can't wait to see you on Friday, but I just, I need that time for myself. Cause I feel like I haven't had much of it recently. And I know if I don't get it, I'm not, I then don't, I'm not able to bring my best.

Yeah. I think we don't do that because when you're in the irony of people pleaser mode is that you don't actually, when you do want to do a selfish thing, and I mean selfish in the positive sense here, you don't do it in the right way. And I, you know, when you're a people pleaser and someone invites you to a, here's the really funny part. If you're a people pleaser and someone invites you, a friend invites you to a thing this weekend and you don't want to go,

you're actually more likely to ghost them if you don't want to go and you don't intend to go than you are to say no in a classy way. Right. Because if you're not a people pleaser and you love your friend, but you have to be honest that you don't want to go, then you say, hey, I don't feel like doing anything this weekend.

Right. But I love you. Thank you for inviting me. And let's try and do something next week. But when you're a people pleaser, when you're nice. You don't want to have that conversation. No, because you don't. Oh, I am going to upset them. Oh, You don't want to have that conversation. No, because you don't. Oh, I am going to upset them.

Oh, I don't want to say no. That feels rude or whatever. So now you don't even text them back. And instead of being firm, you're an asshole. And I have fallen into that trap before. It's the great irony of being a people pleaser is that when you break or when you can't do anymore, you actually tend to fall into really negative behaviors. Right. As opposed to the ones that make people respect you and like you more.

Yeah, because you have unhealthy relationship with what you perceive as confrontation. Yeah. Which, by the way is like that's why that's why the ghosting thing i don't i'm not saying ghosting is okay it's it's obviously not but it's why ghosting is more complicated than people give it credit for because we all it's not just men who ghost people ghost and they don't just ghost the people the person they were dating we ghost friends for days on end sometimes you know we ghost that person who reached out to us who we don't have a good answer for who asked us for a fate or who who tried to connect with us or tried to offer us an opportunity and we were like i don't really want to do this. And we ghost that person.

Like you, I would say the majority of people ghost at some point, right? It may not be a permanent ghosting, but they ghost until the next time they actually need to speak to that person. And they're like, Oh God, they look at their messages. No, I'm not speaking from experience at all here, Steve. you look at your messages and you're like you suddenly you need to talk to that person and you realize the last message was you having ghosted them like they asked you something or connected with you and you didn't reply at all now you're like oh my god i've got i've got to deal with this first before i could even go into what i want to go into yeah

it's hard in it life um the other one i would tell myself not to make this a therapy session but the other one i would tell myself is to when i'm in it like if you're in actually in love and loving it and you're there like just be open to it and be expressive about it as opposed to i think i was quite guarded and would feel very very always so reticent to say the words i love you and like i've got to wait because I want to know for sure. Or this is, you know, I would be very guarded with my like, you know, words and just expressing it. Because maybe I, maybe subconsciously there was some kind of fear of rejection or something in there. Or feeling like if I put too much on the line, you know, I don't want to like go too far on this. And so I think there was like a self-protective

mechanism there where i think it would have just been easier if i was just expressive about what i was feeling in the moment and didn't put so much on it yeah yeah i like that um i like that i think i would have probably told myself well certainly i i'd have i could write a book on things i needed to hear in my 20s. You'd sit that boy right now. But I suppose I would have said, instead of constantly deliberating over, is this right? Isn't this right? Should you be with this person? Shouldn't you be with this person?

Which is a mode I spent so much time in, was just being on the fence and not really knowing. It sort of relates in a way to what you're saying but to just say you know what just it go go for it give it your all and if it isn't if it's not great then leave but the whole obsessing every day right of whether it's right or not is a trap because you're neither giving it your all nor leaving the relationship you're just you are just in a self-torture a paralysis by analysis and so i i think i would have said to myself just really enjoy where you're at and make the most of it. And if it's not, if it turns out not to be right, that's okay. But don't spend forever in it asking the question and letting the question stop you from just giving your all to it. Yeah.

Because in doing that, I think things never even become what they could become. They never reveal themselves to become what they could become. They never reveal themselves to become what they're not. If they're not like something that is going to be good enough, they don't reveal themselves to be that. And they don't also, the relationship doesn't actualize because it never potentiates into what it's really capable of being because it doesn't get your best attention. I love that Thanks again for listening guys I will see you real soon and don't forget you can email us

the show at podcast.matthewhussey.com with your comments, thoughts, responses, suggestions, anything you want to say there. We read all of them. So podcast.matthewhussey.com and if you don't already, subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, Spotify and Stitcher and don't forget,

if you want to be entered into that free giveaway and get your ticket for the virtual retreat, go to mhvirtualretreat.com and we'll see you there all right pickles peaches puddings and pears take care of yourselves out there and i'll see you real soon bye I see the blog sites. Got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo. Yeah, love beautiful.

I'm looking for love.