Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 121: What Are YOUR Top 2 Non-Negotiables In A Relationship? (w/ Matt and Stephen)

Episode Date: July 3, 2021

Matt and Steve sit down to talk about YOUR responses to "what are your top 2 non-negotiables in a relationship?" Find out which ones we agree and disagree with! --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- Join us on our virtual retreat on September 24th-26th! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and claim your spot to spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... --- We also love to hear from you! You can email the show at [e-mail]

Welcome everyone to the Love Life Podcast. I am Stephen Hussey, joined remotely from LA with Matthew Hussey. I'm sat here in the UK and he's flown off back to his new homeland, the United States. Hello, Matthew. I miss you, Steve, but I really love my house. It's a conflict. It's a conflict. It is. We did spend a good month or so together, so we had a lovely time frolicking in the English sun.

Probably more time than you need with me. You were probably ready for me to go home, weren't you? I'll take what I can get these days. Oh, give me a rat. When I'm there in London, I'm the one who's needy and begging for your time mate so don't give me all that i just i just to make myself available whenever matt's got any free time that is i i tell you right now that is a bull face lie that's not that's true that is a lie do not gaslight me on the love life podcast in front of everybody

i don't have it well um put up with it i will not well maybe gaslighting will be one of your answers for this question matthew because we threw out to our listeners the question what are two of your top non-negotiables in a partner now obviously this list could get very long which is why I kept it to two because I didn't want people to overdo it and I was interested what people would put at the top and there's some interesting answers there's some insightful answers and there's a few recurring ones that I'm interested in what I also want to ask you about is what you think of the idea of non-negotiables of thinking like these are must nots I will have in dating and how much you should be cognizant of them when

you go into dating. Does that sound good? Well, I, there, there have to be things that you say. I just, I suppose we're all nuanced, right? We're certain things. We might be, we might, yeah, I don't know. Life is in the gray areas, isn't it? It's lived in the gray areas. So I don't know. When I think of non-negotiables, a relationship by definition is a lot of negotiating of the kinds of qualities that, you know, we're not necessarily, we don't love that. We didn't sign up for those things, but how much of it can we put up with in order to be in a relationship with this person? I'm curious to know what the top voted non-negotiables were. Because some went for a very positive version of it and the two things they really want, the two good qualities, and some people went for the negative version of like i must not have these okay so what was the top what was the top voted the very top one was actually just just i mean just two very good things communication plus effort um given a lot of the things we hear from women on dating problems,

I think definitely many things would be soothed if there was more, better communication and more effort. I'd say those, those two can be non-negotiables. Yeah. They're vague enough that you can say those are non-negotiables that someone has to communicate and they have to put in effort. Yeah, and I do think those are people's two big bugbears.

I think that does speak to the day we're in where people just feel like people don't make an effort and communication is sporadic and in and out. So that one makes total sense to me. One that came very prominent, and this was repeated by a lot of people. So I mean, it's a bit of a discrimination here, but smoking habits. Smoking was a big one, high for a lot of people. And they mentioned it. Yeah. That seems sort of an anachronism. That seems a bit antiquated now

for people to put as a top one. Because it doesn't feel like there's loads of smokers out there these days, at least not in UK, US, maybe in European countries more so. I've dated people where in the beginning, you know, I was really attracted and then I saw them light up a cigarette and I just went, oh no.

Right. So I think a lot of people have that. I mean, smokers are quite, in the dating realm, it seems quite discriminated against class. I didn't realize it. But yeah, I guess a lot of non-smokers, them, it's just like, I can't do that. if you don't do it it's quite it's quite hard to tolerate isn't it well what a healthy bunch we've all become i actually read that in uk particularly smoking rate has absolutely plummeted there's a lot way way less smokers in the uk uh but how many vapors are there steve those is anyone saying no vapors? That's my non-negotiable? Because if you're saying no vapors, you're potentially narrowing your pool a lot more. Yeah. Well, people are more tolerant of a lovely fruity waft coming from someone. But those vaping shops are not going to survive, my friend. Let me tell you that. There are too many of them. Jessica said integrity and respect.

Respect comes up a lot. And I feel that, you know, it's interesting. I've written articles about respect because I think it's such a broad, like everyone just immediately nods heads and agrees with it. But I actually do think it's one of the first things that goes when people take people for granted. And it can start in very little ways. But I think a lot of people don't always know how to show a partner respect. They demand it for themselves and they don't want to be respected. But there's so many little things that can show disrespect in like the way you talk about a

partner when they're in the presence of other people, maybe the way you slightly jab at them or put them down or a way you don't really respect their priorities and you don't really like prioritize them as well being like, oh, that's important to you. We should make time for that. Or that, you know, I know that I want to respect that that's important to you. I do feel actually that's one of those things that said so much, it sounds bland, but it does go, it goes quickly in a relationship. Well, I think the biggest area where we don't tend to respect each other is in our differences. People have a really low tolerance for the differences between each other, and they don't respect those.

Difference in opinion, difference in the way someone wants to spend their time, a difference in what someone is interested in, a difference in how someone else reacts to a situation and i suppose a lot of relationships work in proportion to the ability of the people in it to make space for the differences between them yeah and um i've yeah i i i think i think so many people are in relationships that end not because anyone was wrong but because they just couldn't respect the differences between each other oh yeah yeah and and taking each other for granted i think there's a form of disrespect there where people people just start to get used to something and then just take the other person for granted and don't really give them the same level

of respect they gave at the beginning. I think that's one of those pitfalls to be really, really careful with. A good thing to do is look at the person you're with and think about something that an ex used to do that used to drive you insane or make your blood boil or create arguments or toxicity that the current person doesn't do that just isn't even an issue in your current relationship right you will immediately be more grateful for the relationship you're in that's interesting um so going on the other the the theme we talked about the old bailey that's their handle on instagram just says non-smoker and single so very low very low threshold there uh that's a pretty low bar although apparently all the smokers are going to be the single ones because no one's

dating them. Right. Right. So that's because their stock has actually gone up is what you're saying. The non-smokers are looking pretty sexy right now. This is a good one. Sarah Ann said, growth mindset and castle builder builder which refers to those of you who don't know to a great Matthew Hussey hall of fame analogy that you want someone who is gonna build a castle

with you be someone who's the castle is the relationship the beautiful thing you're building you want someone who's gonna be there actually building that thing with you, planning it out, showing up, saying, hey, I'm on your team. Let's do this together. So I like that growth mindset and the castle builder. See, what I hear from that is someone who's active slash proactive, not someone who is just coasting. And a lot of relationships are one or both people are really just coasting. They're not building. To me, building is when you ask, what do we want to create together? Where do we want to go together? What do we want to make? That's to me, the exciting, a truly exciting thing about a relationship is that you get to make a world. You get to make

a reality. You get to create a culture that's unique to your relationship. What's the culture of our relationship? What are we building together? It it's world building it's a world of two that's why it's a shame when so much of modern relationships it always seems like it's like who's who's gonna get more priority and i you know it's them getting priority and not me and like the fun thing is when you both decide like how are we gonna spend money together on things we love what like trips do we love where do we want to live where how do we gonna spend money together on things we love what like trips do we love where do we want to live where how do we want to live our lives day to day like that should be fun it shouldn't be this like battle for whose whose needs are getting met now like who's winning

on that front or whose career is more important i feel there's a lot of that in relationship and maybe uh frankly today almost a little bit of an over emphasis on independence that's interesting we we've we i think we've come to sort of fetishize independence right to the point where it's it you know, you see, I saw an Instagram quote recently, which was, you know, it was about basically being independent so that you don't, it basically seemed to amount to be so independent that none of your happiness derives from your relationship right right and it's like at that point what's the point right why do it

like it's if you get to the point where you're so your happiness bars and everything that you are is so maxed out that you have absolutely no need for this limp thing that's presenting itself to you. And at that point you should go for it. I just look at it like there's, you know, interdependence is a real thing. I don't think there's any shame in saying I derive a tremendous amount of happiness from my partner and what we are building together. I just want to make sure I'm in a situation where they are contributing to that relationship with the same zeal that I am, that they're also building with me. And of course that, yes, it's healthy to make sure this isn't the only source of your happiness or your identity. But I do think that there's a real focus these days on, you know,

making sure everything that's great about your life comes from yourself. Yeah. And some people love to, you know, their badges, their scout badges of accomplishments. And it's like, I've got my career. I've got my friends. I got my, I do this every week. And this is my yoga time. And this is my thing. And you know, if someone wants to, you know, like, then they're like, well, I don't even know if I need a person. Cause I've got all these things. It's like, well, I don't know, maybe do you need a person? It sounds like you're not even that bothered about it, but you're talking about a relationship. So is a relationship for you, scout badge like well i just need someone so that that that box is ticked because that's not going to work people don't people don't want to be that they want to be

in something where you you intertwine you build together not i'm doing all this amazing stuff and you can just pop along for the ride yeah and i think that that the the problem with that mindset is it kind of dating starts with this this dynamic of let's see who cares the least yeah let's see who tries the least and the one who tries the least wins and whose life is more important who's got more capital in the bank of their life? And it's like, well, look at how big and important my life is and all my cool stuff. of their life within the context of dating you and someone who's secure enough to just come to a situation to, to both invest on an even footing and to try and to make yourself vulnerable in the process that that's hard, but it takes, it does take a secure person to do that. It takes a secure person to admit that, wow, I've gotten so close to

you at this stage that losing you would be really hard for me. It actually takes a secure person to admit that, say, wow, I've got a lot on the line with you because you make me really happy. And if I lost you, I'd cope, but it would be really, really hard that that takes a certain amount of security to be honest with yourself or someone else about that but god do it and you know i feel like one of the things we should be looking for in a relationship is someone who is willing to come to the table with a kind of directness and and where we're not trying to figure each other out all the time where we're not trying to, you know, figure out who's playing what game and, you know, what their angle is, but it, it's sort of simple, not, not easy, easy is confusing as a word because sometimes things, sometimes things are hard in the sense that, you know, someone's really busy right now,

or that they, you know, you're long distance at the moment and that's hard, or that you're going through something in your life and that's making it hard. There's plenty of things that can make a situation hard, but it doesn't have to be complex if two people demonstrate that they do like each other and that they want to keep seeing each other. That part can be simple, even if it's not easy. Yeah. Yeah. People say the right thing is easy.

I don't know about that, but I know that the right thing shouldn't feel really complicated. Yeah. Very true. I got a couple more and then we'll uh we'll wrap up uh a couple of funny ones uh so oh well uh chow vendu says sense of humor must like eminem i mean that's fair enough um that's a non-negotiable so non-negotiable you got like Eminem fair enough not the candy the Detroit based rapper the Georgia Georgia Edelston I feel like she's being deliberately provocative but she did get she did get likes I think she's trying to troll incels here but she put a big eggplant emoji

and a lot of dollar emoji. I like that you've taken the most generous interpretation of that which is that she's just trolling incels she might be not being literal she might be being honest but um yeah it's just i feel like that's a great a great provocateur response uh george well we'd all like a big eggplant steve sure and we've all uh uh, we've, we've all bought the, uh, you know, we've all fallen for those, for those, um, sales pitches. So, uh, but no, good luck with that, Georgia. Um, fair play. Uh, we've got the house of rosie who says vegan and ambitious and the reason i want to bring that one to you matt is when you have one that is something like that you know will be now let's say narrow down your pool more significantly do you think some of those are going to be just really important

to people if you're jewish and you want someone who's jewish and shares your culture then it's going to narrow down your pool significantly but you might just think well that's really a top priority for me because of my religion and my culture um what do you think of ones that are like you know i'm a vegan it's a big part of my lifestyle so it's just what i need do you feel that person's missing something or do you think that's like just good self-knowledge because it might be a strong moral position might in it and you might well let's be let's be let's be real you narrow your pool a lot more if you're vegan and you expect someone else to be vegan. You know, that, that is a, that is a,

that's not just going in saying, I want to be accepted for the way I am. That's going in saying someone has to be the way that I am. And that is going to considerably narrow your pool of people. Because someone who is vegan, but can be in a relationship with someone else and respect the fact that that person hasn't made that decision in their lives is going to have plenty of options. And by the way, the same is true in return. You may be a vegan and say, I need to be with someone who respects the fact that I'm a vegan. You know, I don't want to be with someone who's constantly having jabs at me for being a vegan and constantly rolling their eyes all the time. I'm not going to sit there and make a fuss about them wanting to eat meat at dinner time. I just want them to respect the fact that that's not something I want to do.

But if you're going and saying, I have to have someone who's like that, that's okay, by the way. There's nothing wrong with that, but that for sure is going to narrow your pool of people. And I'm not saying on that particular issue, because now I know it's sensitive for some people, but I, I do think that it should be said that there are many more opportunities for us in life. If instead of saying, I need a partner, who's the same as me, you say, I need a partner where we mutually respect each other's lifestyles. That, that opens up the world. And by the way, it still narrows your pool

because you still need to find someone who's open enough and, and compassionate enough to accept a difference in the way you live your lives. That still requires two open and respectful and compassionate people, but it at least doesn't stipulate that we have to be the same in those departments. I think there's actually something very attractive about two people who can have very different views on something, but equally respect each other's views. I do think that's incredibly attractive. And I see plenty of couples where that's the case.

And it almost becomes, it actually becomes endearing feature of relationships between certain people when you realize oh my god you guys are completely different here and yet you love and respect each other that's amazing i think that's that's quite special yeah i think some people definitely are a bit stronger on the sort of openness spectrum personality wise i think for some people they just they have very hard moral positions and they you know they're like I can't imagine someone dating someone out of my politics or someone outside of my uh moral views and yeah it's I mean yeah it's it's it's a harder road in some ways it's a harder road because you are you are either going to set yourself up for a lot of debates and angry debates with your partner some people do that or you're going to be just

narrowing down to people who completely share all of your moral views and yeah i i think you're you pays your money and makes your choice on that um well that's a what a line to end on um yeah but if you if you can be open-minded it it can definitely you can definitely make life a little a little easier in that respect but uh but if you've got strong moral positions then you know uh you do you um well i think it's good to think about some of your your hard you know your hard nose i think it's important to i think flexibility matters i do think it matters i think you you just don't you don't want to immediately prematurely reject everyone because you've created an massive laundry list of non-negotiables. I found that approach rarely works for people. I had to hear from people all

the time, like, I met him and he's never the kind of person I would have usually fallen for. But I got to know him and we got married and I've heard that story many, many times. So there's definitely something to being open to people you might not expect it it's just the opposite of that is someone who's kind of an arsehole who just goes around judging everyone all the time for everything you know that's different to them and that's not a pleasant person to be around and it doesn't it doesn't open up the world of options. You remember that bit on Parks and Rec where April is really cold and sarcastic with her friends who are all smarmy and sort of pretentious. And then she kind of falls for Andy,

who's this kind of a bit jocky, a bit bro-y and goofy. And her friends are sarcastically taking the piss out of him when he's helping her with something and then she realizes she's actually kind of like fallen for him and she's like tells them to shut up and she's like oh they're like oh we make fun of people like that they're not like us and but she's realized oh actually I've seen through the fact that he doesn't seem like my type he's a bit more jockey and she's a bit more gothy and, and sarcastic.

And it's like, ah, there, there are a couple who end up falling really in love, but she realizes, oh, he's not, I've stereotyped him as just like a bro.

He jock, but he's not. Yeah. Well, look, if we want to, if we want everything that we are, then we should just date ourselves.

But if you want to expand your world, find someone with some different qualities to you, some different ideas. That's how your life is going to expand through a relationship. Well, thanks, Steve, for today. This has been great. Thanks, bro. Pleasure as always. And you can subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, and Stitcher.

You can email the show podcast at MatthewHussey.com and we will read some of those out next episode. And that's it for today. Thank you, everyone. We appreciate you listening in and we will see you or you will hear us in the next episode. All right. See you soon, Pickles.