Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 123: 2021 Half-Time Talk With Matt and Stephen (relationships after covid, dating apps, body confidence, and MORE)

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

The year is half over already...what?? Join us to sit down and chat about: Where love is in 2021 The state of dating apps Body image and confidence Being selective about WHO we want to attract How the pandemic has changed desires for a relationship -- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- If you haven't locked in your place for the next Virtual Retreat this September 24-26, then now is the time.   Claiming your place this month will enter you into an exclusive drawing for the chance to receive one of three free tickets to the Virtual Retreat OR the grand prize of an exclusive 1:1 coaching session with me!   Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com to secure your spot.

well welcome back to the love life podcast with me matthew hussey and of course my wonderful handsome brother stephen hussey welcome back welcome back welcome back welcome back okay we have to stop there or it will cost us royalties. I don't think they're going to be claiming royalties on that. And for anyone who's wondering who might be claiming royalties on that, it is the wonderful Mace, the rapper. Not that you would know it from that short segment, but Steve, it's still a great song, still very catchy. Hello to all of you out

there listening to the love life podcast steve i thought i'd just start with some reviews today because we don't really read reviews out loud on the show and that may give people the impression that we don't read them which i do unlike comments everywhere else where they are there are just thousands of them there There's sort of a manageable level on the podcast where you can dip in and just really enjoy a review every couple of days. I agree. So what have you been, you're in there more than I am these days. So what you've been, what you've been rummaging, what you've been finding? Well, you know, you know, I love a bit of praise, Steve. Sure. Yeah. And you like to read it out on the show. So, you know, go for it.

That's not true. I'm reading out basically for the first time. So here we go. I'll start with, you know, this at random. I'm just picking one here. He's really the best. That's very nice. Is that it? No, it keeps going. I just wanted to get your reaction to that part. I have been listening to Matthew's advice for years and there's just truly no one better out there. His sharp wit, enthusiasm and magnetic personality. This is a really lovely portrayal of me, Stephen. Really keep the listener captivated. But ultimately, his ability to deliver these truths in a way that's almost blunt, yet insightful, humorous and empathetic at the same time is truly a gift there's something very warm and familiar in the way he delivers

am i in love maybe truly worth the listen now do the paragraph he said about me after it i'm gonna be honest with you steve there wasn't a paragraph about you in that one but there are a couple of others. Great podcast, says Marta Maria Wheeler. I can't get enough of Matthew and Steve. It's not just a great dating advice podcast. It's a life coaching seminar. Great podcast for everyone who's willing to dive into self-improvement and become a better, more aware person. I thought this was lovely.

This was about the April 24th episode by Daisy Sweet Pea. What a great name. It's Matthew and Steven. You both helped me forgive a part of me that was destroying me. Thank you so much. I really love that one because when we are beating ourselves up for something we've done, it does slowly but surely erode some of the best parts of us and our confidence and our sense of peace and happiness absolutely well thank you sweet pea i appreciate that and and do leave us do leave us these reviews because they mean they genuinely mean a lot we we do love reading them and and it's um it's really lovely we're putting more effort into the podcast these days aren't we

steve and it is nice to know that there are people out there listening yep certainly are um so what do you what brings us here boss what do you well here's what i thought we could do i thought we could take i thought we could take a little journey in this one where we talk about dating apps for for a minute or two and just get the lie of the land right now like sort of re-establish where people are at right now in dating you know it's it's middle of 2021 the world is opening back up again and people are finding themselves well if the studies are anything to go by there seem to be an awful lot of people who have realized through the pandemic that they want a real relationship they want something serious especially to get them through hard times

god forbid this circles back around again right you don't want to get stuck between in four walls with no person or perhaps even worse the wrong person so you know i i think that's an interesting part of all this is it's made us realize perhaps not only that a lot of us want more substance in our lives and something deeper but how wrong it can go if you make a bad choice about who to go deep with so that's sort of the landscape for some people for other people the landscape is going out there and having a wild bacchanalian festival now that everything's opened up again and they want to go party and and that's fine too so you know i thought it'd be good just to sort of do a bit of a state of unions right now and talk about where people are in dating and then maybe talk about

some of the perils of of dating apps how does that sound a little halftime talk for 2021 uh i like yeah let's see where people are at get a temperature and um and offer perhaps some some valuable advice as people go into a world where maybe they're still a bit tentative and also battling some of the problems of dating apps which maybe we can start here are that there's so much bloody choice or at least it seems you know it it probably is the worst of all worlds in some people's eyes because it feels like there's not a lot of choice when it comes to choosing like it feels like god everyone's flaky people aren't actually trying it's the minimum possible effort being put in by these people or as we call it the mpi guy minimum possible investment and yet they on the other side seem to have endless choice

and that makes me feel like there's a sea of people i can't possibly compete with in quote winning the dating game so what are your thoughts on that steve on just the fact that people just feel like how do i possibly compete with all the options people seem to have these days yeah i'm trying to think when i am on if i'm using dating apps and i'm out there do i think of competition i certainly think of the fact that people can ignore you very easily and that it's very like people are just not very invested when they match with you. And so it can make you take rejection a lot harder because you feel like, oh, I match with them and then suddenly they stop talking to me. So what did I do wrong? But of course, the truth on the other side might be well they've got loads of other matches

they've got a life maybe they're not spending time on the app maybe they've been they've got other stuff going on in their dating life that's kind of you know causing them to go on other tangents so you kind of you know my strategy for that sort of thing

is to just stop assuming things about people's lives and stop assuming everything is a message about me however well just to pause you there though because i just want to pick up on that point it's interesting if people say well yeah but i have a life but i still when i match with someone i have an attitude of actually seeing where it goes. And I just can't stand this world now where everyone treats interactions so flippantly, you know, I'm actually looking for someone. And so when I match with someone, I put a little investment into that and it just seems like no one else does. What's your, do you think they're just, they're just seeing it wrong or they're just not being

contextual for the platform in the way that they're thinking? Yeah, I think, I think, I mean, they are diagnosing a problem with what dating apps do. And I, I always tell people, I do not have a dog on this fight. I have no reason to promote dating apps specifically. I have no reason. Our business, our company has no reason to rally against them. So it's like I don't have a dog in this fight. I think I'm definitely for if you want to be out there using dating apps.

But herein lies one of the things of, you you know there is a truth about how different people are using them some people are just using them for attention and validation and compliments or they just turn on a profile when they barely pay any attention to it and they swipe on it but they don't really they'd rather sit home and play video games tonight they can't be bothered to actually go on a date and so there is this thing where all this stuff is happening and yes people do have choice like it does it does happen like if i've been actively using them for you know a month or two months or something you might then have a bunch of matches and it is kind of like oh man there's a lot like like how do i even like decide a filter here to decide like

who i'm interested in who i'm not so interested in like it becomes a another job it becomes overwhelming but that's the point i think you've got to realize that if you're on the online dating thing in some sense you are in a bit a little bit of a numbers game where some people are just not in the place right now who are on the app and might seem cool there's just all a thousand reasons why they haven't got time maybe they do have 10 matches before you and they've already arranged a bunch of dates like maybe that's just already happened and you're too late or like all these other stuff maybe they've dated like 10 people right now and they're absolutely burnt out and they think i don't want to use this thing for a while so i do think yeah you might think well i have a

life but i'm still using this thing but you kind of have to meet the person at the right time as well timing is a thing and sometimes you've got to sift through a bit to find the person who's in the right spot that you're in as well that is a part of dating it's not just compatibility do see i'm kind of interested in the like this idea of who should be the first mover or who should be the person who who gives a little more first because in a world where people like Steve even in my own non-dating life I've been going through just in the last couple of weeks what I've been quite enjoying is just saying to myself I'm just gonna in my general interactions and I don't even mean like speaking to people just in in seeing people on the street or walking past people, I'm going to give just 2% more than

normal or 5% more than normal. And so I just treat the world, you know what it was like, Steve, when we first went to like Florida and we just thought sort of, sort of interesting just to be in a place where at least in the sort of resorts we were in that people would just say hello to you. And yeah that was like a it was like oh wow people are really they're really nice and the more you are that way or sorry the more other people are that way the more you kind of start getting into that vibe yourself yeah and it starts making you suddenly you wake up the next morning and you're walking through the hotel and you go hi to someone you don't know you're like hey how's it going because you're like oh that's what's

normal here and i have been doing that just in my in my everyday life is just going you know what i'm really going to just walk around as a friendlier person than other people and just and just you know we spend so much of our lives not smiling first, because we're worried that someone won't smile back or not saying good morning. Cause we're worried that someone's going to think we're weird. And, you know, I made a conscious effort to be like, no, I'm just going to be that person who's makes the world a little bit of a friendlier place. Now, of course, in that context, other than just giving because it feels good to give, it doesn't have any real implications for me. It's not like I'm likely to see that person again

tomorrow and they're going to suddenly realize, oh, it was that guy who was friendly to me last time. Good morning. Like, it's not that, but in our dating lives, it can have real implications if you're that way. If you decide, you know what, this culture, you know, Jameson often quotes that Mitch Albom quote, that if the culture isn't serving you, you have to be prepared to create your own culture. You have to be brave enough to make a culture that you want to be in. And in a sense, we all do create these mini cultures around us, whether it's the culture we help to create in our family, in our company, in our relationship, or in our dates. We put out energy that can transform the culture of whatever little ecosystem we're operating in. And I think about that because it's easy to say, well, if someone's not trying, don't bother. Like that's kind of an easy response. Oh, well, if you notice someone's not, if you notice someone's kind of not really doing much in the early stages don't bother and and i do kind of

agree with that but with a caveat that people respond we can have an impact in the equation oh yeah you know what i mean it's not we're not it to say that just a blanket statement, don't bother, is to suggest we have no power. That nothing we do influences somebody else. I don't show up to a speech and think in the first five seconds, well, if this crowd's really cold, just don't bother. What I think is, I know I can have a massive influence on this crowd. In 20 minutes, this can be a different crowd based on what I do. Now, that's a different, I'm not comparing that with dating because it's different. We don't want to keep trying with someone who's not giving us much. But I am sort of in favor of deciding an amount of energy that you're happy to give away.

Like decide what amount of energy you're content with giving away and never getting back. And be prepared to give that somewhat without being too discriminating. You know, just give it like this guy i don't know him and he doesn't know me so he can't really hurt me and or she can't really hurt me you know it's not i don't have to think about this in personal terms and and by the way that kind of is why I think sometimes we do ourselves a disservice by constantly waiting for the other person to give first. Because when we do that, we're assuming we matter to this person more than we do right now. It's a bit of a chicken and egg thing. Like someone you mean nothing to isn't going to try very hard.

They may try on the basis that they really want a relationship, but that doesn't mean they're going to try with you. It, you know, that energy still, they have so much to give and they give it in certain directions. And like you say, there's a hundred reasons why someone might not be giving it in this very moment to you. But I kind of feel like you don't know how much energy someone has to give unless you're willing to give up a little energy and to see if that lights them up, to see if that somehow creates a level of momentum and, and it has to be, once there's momentum, it has to be kind of self perpetuating.

It can't be, you have to keep peddling for the electricity to stay on. Right. It has to be like you fire up the generators and now the thing is humming. Yeah. But sometimes to fire up the generators, someone has to give a little and i and i sometimes think that people are so guarded so protected so worried about looking

cool or indifferent that they never give that first five percent of energy that could fire up the generators they never give that five percent of warmth that could create warmth do you know what i mean yeah Yeah, absolutely. I think there's a sense where people think when I get the green light, I will then like wonderful me will appear. And it doesn't really work like that. You do show the best of yourself as you get to know someone,

but people, there's not really a thing in life where someone is like oh when people are nice to me at a party then i'm like charismatic cool person usually that person walks into the party with an energy with a giving spirit with a sense of actually kind of i know this sounds like a corny term but like some people like bring love into a room do you know what I mean they they show up into the room and they're already exuding like love for the people in the room and a good energy and you know good vibes as they would say but and you could see oh they're bringing that and people then respond well to them because that person walked into the party smiling, being friendly. And that person is more likely to get the warm side.

They're not going to get everyone. Some people are going to be like guarded and closed. But other people are going to be like, oh, hey, this person seems really like open and friendly and I feel good around them. So I'm going to I'm going to gravitate towards them. And dating is the same and like you say people are very i i think it's um totally right when we give the message that you you cut the wrong people off early i just think there's a sense where people people sometimes want someone to bring them everything first before they ever step out or before they give or before they say hey maybe i'm putting myself on the line and sending a message now and saying something i

like about them maybe that's got to be me who does that well the distinction is if you're the one who keeps throwing out energy and not getting it back you then have to be honest with yourself about that yeah there's no shame in taking a risk and it not paying off but if you keep injecting energy into a situation and you keep trying to resuscitate it. And you're the life support of this relationship all the time. Or this, you know, dynamic you have with someone in the early stages. That then is something you have to look at. And, you know, it's then a question of asking not what's wrong with them. Why do they not respond why the question really is

what's happening with you that in spite of not getting the same amount of energy back in spite of not getting equal investment you continue to you know put the um what are they called in medicine when they the when they put the things on your heart to resuscitate you oh the um what do you call them jay defibrillator defibrillator if you're the good very very quick if you there's one of those defibrillators at the top of runyon by the way in a hike in la there's like a steep part as you go up it's it's it's like the the hard way up has a defibrillator at the top wow just in case yeah um but if you're the defibrillator that and and you're constantly having to do that then you have to ask yourself why do i keep doing this what's happening with me that i'm not prepared to lose this person

yeah because that to me is the real day people to me they don't assess we all we all i mean me included we don't assess danger correctly we go into a scenario on an app or even a scenario where we go over to someone and say hi and the idea of being rejected by that person is just death you know someone we go straight back to high school and it's we're being rejected by you know that girl that guy in front of all of our friends and their friends and we're never going to live it down and you know this deep deep fear we have of what it means if we're rejected what it says about our social and sexual status in the tribe and what it means for our ability to you know find love procreate, all of that. I truly believe that that impulse runs deep. But what we have to do is almost start to understand

what the real danger is, which is not a rejection that you get when you first talk to someone and they decide they don't wanna go on a date with you. The real danger is when we keep investing in someone and it's not paying off and that person's giving us just enough to keep us hanging on and and that is the part that i see all the time and that's where real self analysis has to come in and you say, what is happening with me? What is it I am scared of? What, you know, whether it's abandonment, whether it's I'll never find anyone again, whether it's I'm running out of time, whether it's, what is that thing? What is

that thought, that story I'm telling myself that makes it so frightening to lose someone that I will continue to invest energy in a situation where the effort is not equal. Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, that's the key. And it's weird when people even go from migrating to the app to suddenly they're texting a person that they can suddenly have this person was no one in their lives and now they're texting and that person maybe cancelled the date it's like oh they cancelled the date i feel so horrible now why did why what happened like what did i what did i do it's, just because that person is now on your phone, on WhatsApp, or you're texting them, it's become real. And there's become like, you know,

they flaked on you and it means something else. Whereas, you know, if they just didn't swipe you on the app, it wouldn't have meant something. And that's, the key is to change the meaning you ascribe to these situations or reduce the significance with which you are imbuing these situations because that's the thing it makes it so much harder to recover from everything if you

see everything as such a you know big rejection of you as a person and you know that that comes from so much of our need to be validated and our need to you know feel like whatever our identity we are attractive on an incidental note as an there was a study that said that more than half of people would cancel a date due to poor body image uh oh wow and this was amongst like young people but it was talking about uh you know a little study that was done by bumble but the you know especially post-covid a lot of young people felt like they would cancel a date because of like an insecurity about their body so even that that's even like rejecting yourself before you've even gone on the date it's like because i i might not live up to something or this person's better than me and if i don't live up to what they are, then I'm going to be a disappointment.

It's so fascinating because if you take that example, it's it's almost certainly not going to be something they notice. You know, like I mean, literally last night I was having dinner with a friend and he said to me, you know, he was like, oh, you're, you know, I saw a couple of pictures of you from your tour on your Instagram. He said, do you always get in shape for your tour? And I said, well, if I'm going touring, I try and, you know, in the couple of months running up to it, I start taking my training a bit more seriously and i'm going to be on stage if if i feel good on stage it's one less thing to think about right it's like i can truly just focus on and so i understand what people feel on a date because i feel it when i go on stage i think to myself if i if i'm not trying to like hold in my gut while I talk, then it's one less thing for me to have to think about. I can, I can then just go and focus on doing a great job. And I said, but then I said to him,

but Nat right now, I'm like, I'm in okay shape, but I'm not as kind of lean as I normally am. And he looked at me and he was like, I've never seen you looking any different. He's like, you've literally never looked any different to me on any of the times i've seen you and and that just sums it up doesn't it yeah yeah we spend so much time measuring the from what for most of us is a 10 or 20 fluctuation in either direction and thinking that everyone is noticing that fluctuation and the truth is most people genuinely not least of which a person you're meeting for a date they are definitely not noticing yeah and yet it it's so on our mind. And the great tragedy of it is that what's really going to have an impact on that date is not our body difference there. That's, you know, I'm not, you know, I get there's body difference and there's body difference. Like for some of us, when we are truly like a world away from being in shape and that is massively impacting our self-esteem and the way we feel and all of that, then that can be a real thing.

But when it gets and that's but then it becomes not a reason not to date, but it just becomes a path you put yourself on to be healthier. But if we're putting ourselves under a microscope over what we see as a fluctuation in our body that's not that great, but we're canceling a date because of it, we are missing the point, which is that the thing that is going to be most attractive about us is how we carry ourselves, is the energy that we put across and and the most unattractive thing will be all of the ways that we are self-conscious and doubt

ourselves and think that we're not good enough it will not be your body yeah the most unattractive thing will be how much you doubt your own worth i use my past as a way to remind myself it's it's quite irrational if i you know start thinking of a small fluctuation in my body or weight or something and then i realized like a few years ago or maybe five years ago whatever i was in much less good shape and I still had like a lovely girlfriend. I was dating, you know, I could date.

I was having a good time. And I was like, well, I look back then and I wasn't, it wasn't hindering my love life. You know what I mean? But, but now I would consider like,

Oh, I was out of shape then I was in bad shape, but it's like, I had a girlfriend. I was like in love, having a great time. Like, and yeah,

it's just you, you suddenly in your head, it's like and yeah it's just you you suddenly in your head it's like this thing that could hold you back but it didn't really and we project that onto you know when whatever our our insecurity is or our our kind of paradigm is for how attraction works we project onto other people so then we see a celebrity couple and one of them is you know statuesque and in shape and whatever and the other one is not and we go well how did they get them you know how did the one who's out of shape get that person when that other person is so much hotter and whatever and what's funny is we're not describing the dynamic

in their relationship at that point. They don't have that dynamic, which is why they're together. But we're projecting our fear onto that relationship. I believe that because I don't look a certain way, I can't attract someone who looks like that. And that's why we're not in that relationship and that other person is because that's not their excuse that's not what they that's not defining their worth their value and it's a really i you know i i've thought a lot about this even

even within a relationship if you look at what our anxieties and insecurities about ourselves do, is they make us look for immense amounts of reassurance wherever we can get it. You know, so we may get it by posting a hot picture on Instagram and trying to get reassurance that way. Or we may get it by asking our partner to reassure us. You know, can you make me feel good? Can you, do you, you know, how do you feel about me? Do you still feel the same? We look for that reassurance.

And, you know, I heard Seth Godin say, I think in the writing context, but he talked about how reassurance doesn't last. And, and that's such an important thing to remember is that no one's reassurance is going to change the game for us really. Cause it doesn't, it doesn't last. It's you, you get reassured at 11 in the morning and then you need reassuring again at three in the afternoon so and and the part that's gonna the part that hurts us is not you know the thing that we're insecure about is probably not defining your relationship. But the need for constant reassurance might be. And that then is such a crazy irony that it's not the thing we're worried about

that's creating an obstacle between two people or that's hurting two people. It's the need for constant reassurance that we're not giving to ourselves or we're not realizing that none of it even, you know, what is ultimately going to define our value more than anything is how we feel about ourselves, is the certainty that we decide to have and it seems such a abstract thing but that there's there is a certainty that comes from being good at things right that that's when we think of being you know confidence is defined as a feeling of

certainty there's a there's a confidence and a certainty that comes from being good at things. I am confident on stage partly because I am good at it, because I've done a lot of hours of practice there. So that competence breeds confidence. But that, firstly, competence isn't a guarantee of confidence. Right. I I've had moments of, you know, moments of doubt where I see so many people making videos and making podcasts. You know, the year of COVID was like the year of everyone who didn't have a podcast suddenly creating a podcast. And there's almost like for all of us, there's so much content now that we've kind of overeat

to the point of being sick and just being like, I can't, you know, it's too much. We're saturated. And as a creator, I think that you can draw an analogy between this and dating, you know, as a creator, it can do that same thing where you think, why bother? Why make this podcast? It's just another two people talking. You and me, it's just another two voices in the world. I don't want that to be a review on iTunes. You don't want that to be our slogan.

Just another two voices. By the way, that could be the slogan for every podcast. Here, another fucking interview. You know the score. Two people talking about their backstory. Someone's got a book. Tune the fuck in. Every time Steve, a podcast starts with... I know what you're going to say.

My hottest interview tip don't even ask them where they were born no one cares oh well there's that don't ask where they're born or where they grew up no no one cares at all just jump straight to what they're doing i often feel like that about people's backstory though well yeah that's what i mean like the whole backstory the origin is just born is very factual but you know when someone says like how did you so where did it all begin when everyone's when someone says that in an interview i just go oh jesus like i just want to fast forward half an hour to the point where someone actually starts giving advice or makes a point and i and i

shouldn't say that because i'm doing a very big podcast today i'm on a very major podcast and i think it's quite likely that it's going to start with so where did it all begin for you and i'll just have to say just let's fast forward this part if you want to if you want to get to the point where i'm actually making a point uh skip skip 15 minutes from now but i my point is that in a world of endless content it can leave you feeling like even though like i've been broadcasting in some context you know with a radio tv on stage for 15 years, I feel competent. And yet even then, if you're not careful, you can not feel confident because you can say, well, why me? Like, what do I have to bring in a world where so many people are talking? And I think that that can be true in dating as well you can feel competent at

certain things at certain parts of relationships you can feel like you have a good job you can feel like you're a good person you can feel like you you know you're nice looking and and still have a sense of I just don't feel confident because I'm looking at everybody else and going, well, there's so many of people who are great like me, even if you feel great. And therefore, what am I adding? And I believe that there's, I suppose, two answers to that question. There's probably more, but these are the two that strike me immediately. One is that, and this is a weird, again, this is abstract, but it just happens to be true. Just being certain,

just deciding I'm going to be certain of my value immediately puts you on a different level to most other people who don't do that. Yeah, I agree. Just deciding I have value and i'm going to respect that value for no other reason than just saying you know you don't have to have a logical reason for it other than just i want the best for myself literally you can decide again you have to get to this stage internally but you can decide i'm a cool person to be around. That's a decision. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm a cool person to be around. Or I just, I, even if other people don't like being around me, I get me and I like me. Yeah, absolutely. You know, because you're not going to be at every party. You're not going to feel cool by as defined by other people's perception, because some people you're going to go to a party and it's not going to be your party. It's not going to be your crowd. You're to go to a party and it's not going to be your party. It's not going to be your crowd. You're going to go on dates and it's not going to be your person.

And that person's not going to be impressed by you. And they're not going to find you charming and attractive and funny and all of that. And it's not going to be your crowd. And you can't define yourself in relation to that. But what you can say is, I've gotten close enough to me that I actually, there's things that I like about me. There's things that I like myself. And that certainty

is really valuable. That certainty is going to elevate you all on its own. So that's one of the things that can make you feel confident. And the other thing is to say, going back to what I just said, somewhere is my audience. I don't have to attract everybody else's audience. Whether I'm on a dating app and thinking, God, there's so much competition here, how would I ever compete? Or whether you're in business and you're thinking, or making content and you're thinking, how can I ever compete with all of the other creators out there? How am I ever going to capture their audience when what they do is they do so well?

That's to me, just the wrong way of looking at it. That, you will always feel insecure by comparison because there'll always be someone who's just got some wild ability that you don't have. You know, I think I'm a wonderful public speaker, but then I look at like Bo Burnham and the guy can just make songs. I'm like, well, I can't do that. Like, that's just, that's not my ability. I can't do that.

So there's no point comparing myself there because there's just an ability, a skillset that he's built that I haven't built, but it doesn't matter because I'm not trying to get Bo Burnham's audience. I'm trying to get my audience. Some of them might be the same people. They might like us both for different reasons or the same deeper reason, right? Oh, they're both authentic people. They both bring a real rawness to their work or whatever. Now, all of a sudden, it's not about competing on ability. It's about the fact that you have an energy that shines

that's deeper than abilities. But it's just deciding I have my audience out there and that's who I, I ultimately who I want to find. Not I need to be attractive to everybody. And if we can get into the habit of saying, it's okay if someone likes me, they might just, they just might not be my audience. That's okay. That's very, very freeing. Because otherwise, I'm going to go on TV the next time I go on TV. And if someone says, this guy, blah, blah, you know, I can't stand this guy, whatever. It's like, okay, not my audience. That's perfectly okay. There's tons of people that I think are absolute, like just the, some of the most gifted, amazing,

charming, talented people in this world. And then you hear someone go, yeah, I don't like them. And you go, well, if that's the case, then why, what is it I am worried about? What I'm trying to have the whole world as my audience. Even if you're trying to have 99% of the world as your audience, there's a kind of an arrogance to that. You don't need everyone or even the majority of people to be your audience. You need a tiny, tiny, tiny minority of people to be your audience. And that's where confidence can come from, is that I like me and I have a sense of certainty that I have that my audience is out there and for it doesn't actually matter how many people don't like me

what matters is I find the people that I can connect with that don't require me to be something other than myself in order to connect with them look for the people who dig what you're bringing already and and it's it's yeah i i remember when i was younger and a lot of guys probably do this as well like you know they're always trying to attract a kind of woman or a person they think is really high status or you know the most attractive or whatever without ever questioning whether that person is there as your thing quote audience at all probably a lot of the times they're like that person doesn't get me at all they're nothing like me but you've built a thing in your head where their validation their approval really matters

but you're picking the wrong audience by the way if you if you are attracting everybody you're a liar yeah you're a liar like and i don't mean you're lying about lots of people being attracted to you i mean you're lying to all of those people. Yeah. Because they can't all be attracted. Like, they can think they're attracted to you, but they don't know you. And, you know, it's a real, I'm not saying that everyone, I can't stand the whole thing these days of basically, practically everyone's a narcissist by today's standards of what constitutes a narcissist but it is certainly a narcissistic behavioral trait that we all have in us on some level to to try so hard to get people to like you when you meet them that you cease to be you when you meet them. You're not portraying yourself.

Like Jameson, what was the thing you said to me earlier? Who was the guy you were talking about who said I was basically lying in the beginning? From Gone Girl. Oh, from Gone Girl, when like Ben Affleck's character is talking about who he portrayed himself to be in the beginning of the relationship.

And he basically says, I was a con artist. And that's such an interesting idea because dating, the early stages of dating is rife with con artists. And the con artists are us. Like it's not just everybody else. It's us. It's us when we go. And because we're so worried that we can't compete with everybody else, because we're so worried that the person we're on a date

with can have anyone they want or at the very least has lots of options and we're trying to stand out, it's because of that need to be liked. It's because of our desire to achieve the end goal of attracting someone into a relationship that we go on a date and everything we do is a departure from our authentic selves. We start playing a role. We start being who they want us to be or who we think they want us to be. And in the process, we do a con job on them. We're being a con artist and we're so worried. What if I'd go on a date? How do I know if someone's lying to me? How do I know if they're being honest about themselves? All the while, we may not be being honest with this person about who we are. know so you start dating someone and and you know you they they like partying so you go to all

of these parties and events and and try and play ball and you're like i'm having a great time or whatever and then you know the moment you're six months into the relationship you're kind of a like you've hated parties all along but you've you've been pretending that you like all of that and now all of a sudden you find yourself in a situation where you're just like no i don't want to go right right why is that because you're you're for a while you wanted someone to feel like that was something you enjoyed doing and by the way it's not necessarily a conscious thing it's something we all do in the early stages when we want to attract someone. But in the beginning, we can slip into that con artist mode unconsciously. And it's because we are trying to attract someone at any cost and even at the cost of attracting the wrong audience. And then all of a sudden you find yourself in a relationship where you've attracted the wrong audience.

But that's why it's so essential. Like hopefully as we get older, we get a little more comfortable with portraying ourselves as we really are. Not portraying all of our worst qualities. That's different. You've got to bide your time as you start to like, no one deserves to see up front everything that's wrong with you. They deserve you, like you don't go to a job interview

and say all of the things wrong with you. You go to a job interview and you put your best foot forward. But you try to do it in a way that's still authentic to you, even if it's portraying the best. You're providing a highlight reel, but it's not a different movie. It's just a good trailer from the real movie. You're not inserting clips from a different

movie altogether yeah that's kind of that happens with movies doesn't it sometimes you see something in the trailer you watch the movie you go that scene wasn't even in the movie i was looking forward to that and it never came well i think uh i think we'll wrap it up there ste Steve. This is, you know, let us know how you felt about this one. We genuinely love hearing your feedback. Leave us a review on iTunes and tell us what you think of the podcast. We do read them. It means a lot to us.

And it also helps other people understand what the nature of this podcast is, which I think, Steve, it's safe to say is still sort of, even after all this time, this podcast is sort of discovering what it is. And so we also, what's the email just for people to email into? You can email in your questions or comments to podcast at matthewhussey.com. I think that what would help us guys is as we as we kind of figure out what this podcast is um you emailing and to podcast at matthewhussey.com with what you what kinds of episodes you really like best what are the moments you enjoy most in this podcast is really helpful to us yeah do you like longer episodes? Do you like shorter episodes?

Do you like it when we talk about love life? Do you like it when we talk about stuff outside of your love life, like loving life and how to love life more and how to love yourself more? What do you enjoy when we talk about it? It would mean a lot to us to get that feedback. And by the way, for anyone who has not booked their phone call,

we have three amazing people, Emma, Michael, and Charlotte, who spend their days speaking to people about our virtual retreat that's coming up in September from the 24th to the 26th, assessing. If you book your call, they'll assess your goals with you, what you're trying to achieve in this next chapter of your life, what you think are the barriers to achieving that. And they'll also offer you the opportunity to come and join us in September if that's what you feel is right for you. But even if you don't end up coming to be with us in September, a lot of people tell us that just having that phone call is kind of almost a form of therapy and a form of planning and realization. Because when they do it, they realize more about where they want to go and what it's going to take to get there. And they come off of that call feeling a little wiser, a little more self-aware and a little more ready for the next chapter, even if they don't come and join us on the virtual retreat.

But a reminder, that virtual retreat is something that you can attend from home. It's not an in-person event, although it feels live and dynamic over three days. It's incredibly exciting. It feels like an in-person event, but people are taking it from all over the world where they are. So you do not have to travel for this event. You can do it from home or from your office, wherever you are. So if you want to

go and apply for that phone call, book your call. It's at mhvirtualretreat.com go check it out and hopefully you come and join us or you join us from home on the september virtual retreat which is our big event for the year and our final big event of 2021 come transform the second half of your year with us well steven thank you so much that was a pleasure doing this with you today. Absolute joy as always, brother. And thank you, pickles, peaches, puddings, and pears out there. And we will see you on the next episode of Love Life.

See you soon, guys. It's really great. Do you guys want to do one one more ending so I can do multiple I guess I do multiple episodes and for some reason I don't want to do a hard cut so just like let's leave it there today

what's he saying Matt so just let's leave it there today well okay let me just try one you tell me alright well let's leave it there today and save something steve for the next episode we hope you all come back steven it's been a pleasure thank you sir and we'll see you or at least be speaking to you in the next episode see you soon bye you soon guys bye-bye