Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 125: Sex Life, Penis Size, Becoming A Mature Adult

Episode Date: July 25, 2021

Matt and Steve sit down to talk about what's necessary to be a mature adult, male worries about penis size, and insecurities about ex's... -- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- If you haven't locked in your place for the next Virtual Retreat this September 24-26, then now is the time.   Claiming your place this month will enter you into an exclusive drawing for the chance to receive one of three free tickets to the Virtual Retreat OR the grand prize of an exclusive 1:1 coaching session with me!   Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com to secure your spot.

Hello, I'm Matthew Hussey. Welcome back to the Love Life podcast with me and my brother, Stephen Hussey. Hello, everyone. Matthew, what... Let's just get to it. Go on then, what do you want to do? Well, I just want to skip all that intro crap that people do because I can't stand it on podcasts. Just get to the point. All right, throw it at me

have you seen the series sex life yet on netflix not that you're the target audience but is it even out in the uk sex life it's called it's called called sex life yes no i haven't seen it unlike this podcast it's called love life this show is sex life there's a i was at a party the other night yes i was at a party in la cue all the judgment wow there were a bunch of people there they've just got a new mask mandate coming back this weekend we've all got to wear masks again anyway let's just let's just move on from that. I was at a party and it was for my friend Ryan. He's having a little birthday party and there were a group of women who were talking about show that was not, it was, came out last

year, I want to say, or earlier this year, what was it, Jameson, about the, it was like, it was basically porn, softcore porn story, it wasn't really porn, it was on Netflix, it wasn't porn, but it was just a pornographic story, you know what i mean it was a woman who got kidnapped by a guy but then sort of ended up having lots of sex with him oh it was controversial right yeah it was 365 yeah it was it sort of feels like someone saw 365 the people who made 365 saw 50 shades of gray and thought let's just do a series that appeals to some sort of sexual fantasy. I dare say Steve directed at women because I don't, you know, men evidently from all of the nature of porn online don't need a lot of story. Right. Good point. need a lot of story right uh good point clearly you know but the the on netflix it's you know 365

was just a lot of fantasy to get to the point of these two people that you know she really shouldn't like him he's kidnapped her for god's sakes um but you know he's attractive and he's tall dark and handsome and they have lots of sex well it, it's like the people who, people saw that, a different set of writers saw that, maybe it's the same people, and just thought we'll make a show called Sex Life. And it's about a woman in a marriage. I say this having not seen it.

So I feel like that guy right now who's commenting on something he hasn't seen, but I'm not commenting on the show itself necessarily and the quality of it. Although if the trailers are anything to go by, but no, no, I want your full, I want your full review of this show. You've not seen yet. No, but I heard I was at a party, Stephen, and I heard people talking about it and it was interesting. And it's here.

I'm getting to the dilemma, Steve. There's a show called sex life it from the trailers and i'm just speaking about the trailers is about a woman who's in a marriage where she's got they've got a kid he sort of comes home gives her a you know a quick casual kiss on the cheek and then you know gives lots of his attention to the kid instead. And then says, you know, I'll see you later. I'm going to go and watch the game. Meanwhile, she's got an ex that she's, again, I'm just reading from the description on YouTube now, Steve. She's got a sort of, they didn't say sordid. They said sort of a, she has like an interesting sexual past they didn't use the the adjective

interesting they used something else that was a bit saucy i can't remember what it was but basically it was the insinuation is she's had a mad old time with her ex who's british i think and figures you know right and she's had a pretty wild sex life with him but now she's in this stale old marriage with a kid and i suppose she can't tell him that she's not happy i don't know i don't know why they i suppose maybe she is trying maybe maybe in episodes one two and three she does try and communicate like hey not happy can we can we spend a bit more quality time together can we work on our intimacy maybe the first five episodes steve are about couples therapy she can't tell him she can't tell him all i had the best sex of my life with old

english english fella over there right exactly she can't say that but then english guy comes back into her life i don't know how but he does and all and in a trailer in the they're at dinner together him and her her and her husband and the english guy and his current girlfriend i think which is a weird scenario to be in but she's now at dinner with the and you know anyway it all kicks off that's all I know about the show. So I was, I'm thinking, I'll tell you my first thought, Steve. I keep thinking, you know how like there are great videos out there,

different content creators make videos about like current things and you and I basically never do. We just, you know, we're always talking about timeless concepts, you know? We're like an ancient religion. No, but at least now we've got this new feature, Matthew reacts to YouTube trailers of shows he hasn't seen.

Netflix trailers. Anyway, oh, I've got cramp in my ribs right now. How do you carry on a podcast when you've got cramp? This is all good for the viewer. So imagine that happened. I did Jay Shetty's podcast last week. Imagine that happened on Jay Shetty's podcast in the middle of it. No, saved it for us though.

Saved it for us. So listen, I'm at this party and there's a group of women and they're talking about the show Sex Life. And one of them points out, like, what, she couldn't just tell her husband, you know, hey, can we work on our sex before she went gallivanting off with Mr. British? But there's this, I suppose, I don't think infamous is the right word, but there's this i suppose not i don't i don't think infamous is the right word but there's

a there's a renowned scene now that they were talking about where the guy's in the shower and he's just got an enormous penis uh which i was surprised they showed which i suppose it shows the inherent sexism in movies and tv which guy though who do you think steve right do you think it was the bullring husband no it's old big ben isn't it right very good so they've played you know so they've added to this fantasy this this this pornography is essentially what it is right it's pornography of the mind actually i suppose one at the point at which you're just showing an enormous penis in the shower it might be starting to cross over into just just pornography well no see there's the inherent sexism again because we see women's parts on tv and movies

all the time don't we anyway i heard this and there was guys at the party it was quite funny because there was a guy at the party who was like i i immediately went this is no joke the guy said i immediately went and googled that actor's shoe size he goes because i wanted to know if it was real firstly as if like there just always is a car like you know for sure from someone's feet size what it is and if he was like a size seven he'd have gone oh phew like thank god and that google has accurate feet sizes for all actors is suspicious as well right yeah we can't even trust wikipedia on my height they wikipedia had my height wrong for years they're not exactly going to get my shoe size right yeah you're five foot three according to wikipedia i was five seven for years and i'm not everyone all right i'm 5 11 i could say six foot but i'm an honest man yeah that is honest

i always i steve i thought it would be good for someone on a dating app. If you were 5'11 as a man and if I was a man, which I am, and I was on a dating app, if you put, you know, 5'11 and then somewhere on the thing you could put, you know, why you should date me. Well, you know, I'm honest because I said I was 5'11. That's good. That's good. It's good, isn't it? If I was 5'11, I'd use that. Wow. What a little dig. That is not a dig.

What a dig. So here's my dilemma. Do I have to watch this show so that we can make a video on it? Sorry. Okay. Do we have to watch the show? What, what's the,

what were the women saying about the fact that were they like, Oh, British man is so hunky. You'd want to go and have a romp with your ex or were they, it sounds like they were on the side of fidelity and commitment and figuring out your relationship. One of them was, was like a bit annoyed that she hadn't just had more of a conversation with her husband um first but that wouldn't have that

wouldn't have really played to the fantasy i suppose is months of months of couples therapy trying to work it out talking about the feelings you've been having this thing sounds as well very provo very designed to provoke the sort of angry male community who feel like you know they're always writing these sort of hate articles that like women are unfaith only as faithful as their options and oh there's some like sexy guy and as soon as he shows up as soon as she's he's higher value and uh has a big old boy down there then then she's off so it's kind of uh right it's quite you know i steve i always remember it's funny how you look at things and you go this is god not to get too not to get too philosophical or sound too old but it's like there's so much of what we read and see creates insecurities

do you know what i mean it might be in the value of entertainment it might be in the way of an article i remember when i was when i was a kid i was like 11 years old just sort of nearing that age where you started to worry about things one of them your penis size and i remember the day i started worrying about penis size really i was reading yeah i remember it i was reading an article in fhm do you remember there was that band that girl band mystique yeah it was a in in the uk they were an old garage band yeah and for those of you that don't know in the uk there was a garage was like two-step it it was kind of a sort of sped up something between hip-hop and drum and bass on the register and i used to dj that sound a lot and i

mystique was like one of the commercial garage bands and there was the main woman from mystique she was really beautiful and i used to fancy her quite a lot and i just remember a cop and we were i was reading fhm which you know i was too young to be reading fhm it was the 90s it was the 90s lads mag era the 90s early 2000 lads mags and that was sort of one of the one of the sort of cleaner ones but saucy a little bit saucy but you could still read some sauce in there as a kid yeah yeah they had sex tips yeah exactly like yeah which uh every 11 year old needs obviously but though you know i went there for my i went there for my sauce and i there was a little article with her it was just like an interview with the lead singer of mystique and they asked her like does penis size matter

right now this is a moment where she's gonna leave an imprint on me i think she's gorgeous i fancy her a lot you know i dj her music what's she gonna say this is the ultimate verdict and she she goes she goes by the way to i can't remember her name but apology if she's a pod if she's a listener of this podcast which steve i'll tell you this is more than possible these days because rebel wilson put out a story this morning about how she loved our last podcast together. Shout out to Rebel. She absolutely loved it. Yeah.

You should get Rebel on here, Steve. That'd be brilliant. Yeah. Well, she's a listener. So Rebel, if you're listening to this, this is me putting public pressure on you to come join us i so you know it's possible that the lead singer from mystique is listening to this but it um it did have an impact because here's what she said she said well if it's not big enough i literally remember the words of this steve it's a great it's a great art it's a great piece it's a great piece

she said if it's not big enough how are you ever going to reach those how are you ever going to get to those hard to reach places she made it she made it sound like some sort of cavernous cave of wonders some sort of uh all sorts of different tunnels you could go down some sort of online adventure game how are you if it's not big enough how are you going to get to those hard to reach places? By the way, she may have never said that. I've been misquoted in many a magazine and newspaper. So it's possible she said it doesn't matter.

And that the writer then took that to mean what they wrote. But this was what came across. And it stuck with me for through those teenage years that's that's how easily as insecurity can be born you by the way think about that now like that was me at 11 from an fhm article think of kids now with instagram disaster yeah think of like if i was imagine i was 11 watching sex life i'm not hearing it from the lead singer of mystique i'm seeing a guy with a third leg in the shower like boogie nights and i'm thinking good lord well i suppose i suppose boys are getting that anyway from porn aren't they when

they're watching porn where are we in this podcast my point is your point is what body insecurities stay with you well my i suppose my point is that these shows are great as stories they're great as like like they're like um you know they are like that cheap magazine or a comic book that you're reading just for some sort of fantasy story yeah they're probably not they're probably not something we should take many lessons from. I saw, do you know what, why I, I'll tell you why I started this three hours ago as an anecdote was because I was thinking, do I have to watch this show so that we make a video on it? Cause I think a lot of people who have seen it would really like us to make a

video on it, but I don't want to have to watch the show. And probably now no one else does either. Uh, well look, I I'll take it on myself to watch the show if you want and feed you some thoughts for as long as I can be bothered to watch the show. Well, thanks, Steve. It's.

Yeah. Can I say one other thing? Yeah. I'm interested in your opinion on this. I was changed. Oh, go on. You say your. I was just going to say.

I was just going to say on this. I was changed. Oh, go on. You say, I was just going to say, I was just going to say on this topic, I do. I see Instagram a little bit that way. You're talking about as well, where I, I treat that. A lot of people say that Instagram and things makes them feel insecure. You've got guys with like rippling six packs.

You got women who look like glamor models and they're kind of everywhere. Right. But I treat that as like a pulpy comic book, silly magazine. Like that's how I see it as like a cartoon thing. I know they're real people, but I just like, these are people doing like an extreme version of a kind of play acting and they're really like disproportionately mutated like they're just focusing completely on their body and airbrushing it changing it and i kind of

that's my way of putting myself at a remove from it i'm like this is silly cartoon comic book version of beauty and i kind of treat it as all a bit of a silly game that's that's a that's a good way of looking at it like it's it's like a comic book it's just these ridiculous accentuated things that's it that's a really good way of putting it yeah i mean it's like accentuated both by the attention they're given in someone's profile if every other picture is a picture of his six-pack abs and also accentuated both by the attention they're given in someone's profile if every other picture is a picture of his six-pack abs and also accentuated quite literally through the filters and and tools they now have to be able to do it yeah and it's like i i i want burritos in my life you know i

haven't got that kind of it's like let them do that thing that's cool you can have the protein shakes for lunch you can have that i quite like it when a woman posts a photo of like the bikini photo of, you know, two, literally the same moment, but just a slightly different pose. Oh yeah, those are good ones. This is how different you can make your ass look in the space of three seconds for a photo and one of them will make the world insecure about their ass and the other one will make us all feel united in our asses and i i i quite like that because it's it is so it makes it so evident how so many of the things we're comparing ourselves to are are not

just it's not just you know an unrealistic expectation for ourselves it's an unrealistic expectation for themselves for the one that posted it that they can't even live up to that three seconds later after the photo is taken sure Sure. I think that's fascinating. Steve, to switch gears, I'm going on the Michaela Peterson podcast today. And I can't wait because Michaela is, I think she's really, really interesting. I think that her story is fascinating. What she's dealt with in her life is fascinating. I am extraordinarily excited about the conversation.

In my research, I watched her, Russell Brand, and her father, Jordan Peterson, all together talking. And they got into the subject of children. And Jordan Peterson said quite a bold statement which as we all know Jordan Peterson is is not known for but he goes he said I don't think that anyone can truly grow up until they have kids what are your thoughts on that statement? Because I heard that and instinctively,

given that I think people don't necessarily realize this about us, but we have spent probably more time with women going through issues around their biological clock and the possibility of not having kids when that was in their blueprint, it was something they wanted more than anything in the world. And maybe they don't get to have them. Maybe they don't meet someone in time. Maybe there are complications they didn't anticipate,

but we have dealt with so many of those issues that when I heard that instinctively, I sort of went, Oh, that's, that's a big statement. But I also completely understand the sentiment of it. I understand where it's coming from. And perhaps someone with kids would say, but Matt, you can't truly understand until you've had kids.

I always love that family guy joke where brian has suddenly realizes he's got a kid and he starts saying to stewie like when you have children you will understand like he'd suddenly become so patronizing annoying to be around because it's like the rest of the world doesn't understand anymore yeah he's trust he's suddenly transferred into a world where there's something he understands that the rest of the world doesn't that doesn't have kids which there is a bit of that i think we should talk about that at some point but what do you think of that statement uh well far be it far be it from me to uh uh venture my opinion against a world-renowned psychologist but um i uh i think your opinion is valid steven sure um i i mean i don't have kids

so that it's a dimension of life that isn't isn't available to me yet i so i can only i can only sort of pontificate i think i'm not sure because i feel like there are there are so many areas of life where if you haven't experienced it yet there's a level of maturity and understanding that is just close to you. Maybe if you've never been, he's talking about growing up and it's like, well, maybe if you've never had a job, you've never really been grown up. Maybe if you've never paid your own taxes, you're not grown up. Maybe if you've never had to support anyone, you know, you've never grown up. And you know, when you're in a relationship, you feel like, oh man, God, before I was in a relationship, you feel like, oh, man, God, before I was in a relationship, I really didn't understand what love actually was or what it is to actually have to manage other people's needs as well as my own. Right. You're used to living your own selfish single life. So I am well prepared to accept that there is a whole sphere of life that is unknown to you until you have kids. And lots

of parents say to you, my God, I never knew how much it really takes. Or they say, I never knew my capacity to love until they had kids. And I'm perfectly prepared to take them on their word for that. Maturity though is a multifaceted thing, isn't it? Because some people never mature in certain ways, even with children. And there's ways they stay completely immature and reckless. And like, you know, kids, I mean, in a negative sense, not having a lovely innocent sense, but in being naive and immature. There's ways that people never mature in all sorts of ways. So I'm kind of reticent. In some ways, it's like, yes, I can totally see that,

but I'm also reticent to put too much weight on that compared to a hundred other ways you can be totally immature and, you know, foolish, if you like, and irresponsible, right? There can be people with children who are extremely irresponsible and incapable so so i i i wouldn't put it on that simple one linear one dimensional thing of maturity i think i i suppose the idea is that you can't ever truly be unselfish if you don't have children. But I, you know, the truth of that idea aside, I suppose where it takes my mind, because this is the world we live in, you know, my lens a lot of the time is,

how would that statement, how would that thought affect people in situations over which they may have no control? There is a kind of, you know, culturally I'm still fascinated by the assumptions that are made about success based on relationship status, marital status, whether you have kids. And it's quite easy.

I've experienced as a man people who, at certain points in my life when i've been single the assumption is well why aren't you in a relationship and you can feel there's a tone to that question and of course women feel this to an incredible degree uh i i feel it and perhaps you steven feel it, and perhaps you, Stephen, feel it to an incredible degree, I suppose, from a professional pressure that sometimes people put on us. Like you should be in a relationship if you're doing what you're doing, which I don't actually agree with because I front of you and whether you want to be in a relationship as opposed to just the desire to be in any relationship regardless of who it's with so that you can say you're in a relationship i think that a relationship you know should be should be like a kind of a dream career path you you do it because you feel compelled to do it by having found something

that you really love doing as opposed to feeling like you just you know you just should no matter what just choose any any old thing and do it because you feel pressure yeah to go to to an office every day and this is what i reject by the. I reject the over-ascribing of some special status to relationship children. People can choose them things for really, really bad reasons. And that's where I reject the idea that someone is further ahead because they got married and had kids.

It's like some people could have done that in a completely ludicrous, foolish way that suggests complete immaturity. So that's where I reject. I reject the societal idea that there's a continuum of immaturity from single to maturity to children and relationship. I think that's, I have issues with that.

Because I think people make bad choice I think people make bad choices when that is seen as uh just an essential necessary stepping stone or even just it's always applauded yes yeah I look I mean life more simply I think life comes down to choices. Christopher Hitchens said, you know, in life you have to choose your regrets, right? And there's, it's, and whatever you do, you're missing out on something. That's just always true. You know, you're, you're always, if you're single, you're going to be missing out on the experience of, you know, having, you know, you get to the evening and you want to, I don't know, veg out with someone that you don't have to entertain or someone that you really, you love and feel connected to and you just want to watch a movie. Then you might be missing out on that.

You might have a casual thing or something in its place, but it may not, it's not going to be the same. If you're in a relationship or you have kids, then you, it's going to be much harder to, to go around the world and travel or to do other things that you might want to do, or to get the solitude that you might crave at times. Like there's, there is just always going to be something you're missing out on. I, it is, I suppose, an interesting conversation. Perhaps Jordan Peterson would argue that there is just a, in the hierarchy of lives well-lived, that having kids is the kind of the pinnacle of that. But I, I, that's, that's an interesting argument. And I think that there's a... To me, there's peak experiences in life. And having children is a peak experience. It's one of those peak...

It's like one of the most incredible things I believe a human could ever experience in life. But I come from a world, and I suppose from a coaching philosophy, that wherever you are, whatever situation you're in in life, it's about making the absolute most of your situation. It's whether you're single, whether you're in a relationship, whether you're going to have your own biological kids, whether you're going to adopt if you can't have your own biological kids, or even if you can, but you just decide that adoption is more meaningful for you as a kind of narrative, as a story, as a, has more meaning.

I, I believe in making the most of wherever you're at. And sometimes when I hear certain statements, there's a, it's a kind of value statement in itself that says, this is unequivocally the highest thing that you can do. And that there is no other, it's like there is only, it's like saying there's only one path to enlightenment you know there aren't many routes there so yeah i'm i'm kind of fascinated by this

because i i just i worry i worry about the pressure put on people in general i worry about the pressure people feel to be in a relationship. I worry about the, you know, especially women. I worry about the pressure they feel to be in a relationship or the shame that they sometimes feel for not having found someone or the low self-worth and confidence that comes from not having found someone, so much of which is projected onto them by other people. And then if enough people at the dinner table say, how come you're still single? Why haven't you met anyone yet? Or doesn't it, doesn't life feel meaningless without having found a relationship

or having had a family or the more people say that the more it becomes a kind of a brainwashing that you feel compelled to believe. And then you feel deficient in your life. Even if life's going pretty well for you, even if, you know, a relationship could be a month from now around the corner, you could meet someone a month from now or six months from now or a year from now and your life could completely change. And that's great. But I hate the idea that in the meantime, people think that their lives somehow count for less or are worth less because they haven't found that thing. Well, yeah, you can be responsible for others in so many ways, right? And in some ways, that might be one of the things, if I'm speculating that

Jordan Peterson is talking about there, where one move to maturity is being responsible for others outside of yourself. And you can do that in many ways. But I'm more like emotionally libertarian, where I think people can make sacrifice and take responsibility in many, many different ways in life. You broke up there, Steve. What did you say? You're more... Oh, sorry. I said personality-wise, I'm more libertarian in the way that I see people's choices in that people can make sacrifice and take responsibility in many different paths in life. And clearly, marriage and kids is one of the most obvious and most clear ways to do that. But I think there are other ways to do that. And also to go back on what you said, you said about how, yeah, I think you

and I through years of coaching as well, have just seen so many people who have been self-torturing thinking they should stay with the wrong guy because of family pressure, because of religious pressure, because of outside judgment and stay with the wrong person and they feel guilt and shame. And that's where I think, man, this belief could be dangerous if people just think they failed because they are not moving towards that right now. And that's my fear of people just being shoved into relationships and responsibilities that are wrong for them.

Yeah. I think whatever chapter of your life you're in, whether you just got your heart broken, you're going through divorce, you find yourself enjoying being single. You find yourself out there dating. Someone just broke your trust. You know, whatever situation, or you're listening to this and you're in a long-term relationship and you have children, it truly is about waking up every day and saying, imagine I was starting life now. Like my, imagine I woke up into this world today as a brand new human being. It's like kind of that movie soul where the little souls come down and they inhabit a baby, uh, you know, an actual body, and then they begin living their life. Well, what if you

were a soul that came down and inhabited this body that you have today, this morning, and inherited the life that you just woke up into today, as opposed to having created it because sometimes it's the having created it that comes with all the baggage i the situation i'm in today the situation i woke up into i created i am responsible for and that comes with all the regret the regret the self-loathing the baggage of i you know i'm a piece of shit i i'm where I am today because I didn't do this or because I made that mistake or because I stayed with this person too long or because I was too afraid.

And I think that it's a great thought experiment to say, if I came down out of this world as a soul and inherited my body and my life today, inherited instead of created, what then would I do with it? What game would I play with this life that I've just inherited? What challenge would I set myself? What would I do if my only mission was someone said, hey, you just inherited this life and this body. You've got 20 years or 30 years or 40 years to have the best time ever, to make the most of it, to do the best you can with whatever you have this morning on this day.

What would you do? And you see that as the game. That's a really different scenario. And I actually think that that is the game. I actually think that is the game because you today isn't the you that you were 10 years ago that created today. You today is a new version of you who inherited this life that the old you created. So now's your chance to see what the new you can do with that. But if we get stuck in the past and where our lives should have been by this point,

that constant being stuck in what my life was supposed to be, that is a trap. You're not, our lives are never where they're supposed to be, that is a trap. Our lives are never where they're supposed to be. They're where they are. And we should wake up in today and look at where we are, not where we think we're supposed to be and say, now what do I do with this? Okay, I woke up into this body now what well i think we did it for today i in six minutes i've got to go and jump on a michaela peterson podcast which i can't wait for i'm so excited about this for anyone listening um we have a 30-day confidence challenge that we are running right now that thousands of people have already been through as a practical blueprint for measurably improving their confidence in 30 short

days. And the idea of this is not to transform everything about your life in 30 days. It's just what would happen if you for 30 days took practical measures to improve your confidence? What would then happen to the rest of the year as a result of the momentum you built from those 30 days? And so what I've done is created five very specific challenges that we're all doing together that are designed to pinpoint the areas of maximum leverage for your confidence. And they're not really difficult missions. They are totally realistic, manageable missions. That's the whole point of this. It's not to scare you. It's to give you momentum. It's to build confidence. So there's five really practical challenges, missions, that we're doing over 30 days together.

And then we're going to measure our progress at the end of those 30 days. It's going to be insanely fun. The people that have already been through it have had some really interesting, real, practical, measurable results from it. And to go and register for that completely free. This isn't something we're charging for. You can go to mhchallenge.com and sign up. So come join us for that. And as always, you'll hear us in the next podcast. We can't wait. Thank you, Stephen. Thanks, Pickles, Peaches,

Puddings and Pears. This is Matthew and Stephen signing out.