Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 127: Sex Life Part Two: Choosing between romantic partners + the danger of wanting to heal your partner's trauma

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

Matt and Steve talk about:  - Sex Life (again!) - The fantasy of choosing between two different partners - The danger of wanting to heal someone else's trauma --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- If you haven't locked in your place for the next Virtual Retreat this September 24-26, then now is the time.   Claiming your place this month will enter you into an exclusive drawing for the chance to receive one of three free tickets to the Virtual Retreat OR the grand prize of an exclusive 1:1 coaching session with me!   Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com to secure your spot.

Welcome to another of the Love Life Podcast podcasts with me, Matthew Hussey, and my dear brother, who you all love, Stephen Hussey. Hello, friends and fortunes. Welcome back, everyone. Matthew, what's on your mind today? I will say before we start, Matt, we can delay talking about this if you want, but I have watched three episodes of Sex Life on Netflix and I have some thoughts. Okay. Well, let's talk about that because we've also had some feedback.

We've also had, I want to hear from you, Steve, about what's in the inbox, but we've also had a couple of people who well we had one person specifically review our review of of sex life in in our itunes reviews that is the review uh cubed um but she was in our reviews and she she detailed all the ways that we were wrong well Well, let's hear that. Let's start there and I'll see if I agree. We'll be right on to that. And we've got a lot of great stuff coming up today.

But first, a word from our sponsors. Hi, I'm Matthew Hussey. You may know me from such podcasts as the one you're listening to right now, or such sibling banter as the one that goes on between myself and my brother, Stephen Hussey. Have you ever thought about doing something that could change your life over the course of three days of immersion coaching? Well, that's what we do on our virtual retreat. It is coming up from the 24th to the 26th of this September. And we are so excited about it. Steve, this is going to be our biggest one ever. We've never had so many people. We've had some big retreats, but

we've never had one this big. A lot of people wanting to gear up for their most amazing year ever. And it is going to be the ultimate experience for anyone who is a follower of us, for anyone who loves being part of our family and our coaching and our mentoring. This is the pinnacle experience for training your emotional health, your psychological health, your life

health. What kind of lifestyle are you creating for yourself? Are you creating a beautiful enough life, a big enough life? Are you enjoying enough the life you have? Or do you feel like somehow it's passing you by? Do you still have imposter syndrome despite all of the things that you've achieved in your life? And you want to work out your confidence issues once and for all because, baby, they ain't working themselves out. Are you at a crossroads in your life where you're trying to figure out what's the next direction for me? What do I do with this next chapter? Do I want to leave my current job? Do I want to start a new business? Do I want to stop this whole nonsense of working so hard altogether? Do you want to fix the issues that you see in your love life? Do you feel like your love life

isn't where you want it to be? And you're not taking the necessary steps, not because you don't listen to the podcasts with myself and Steven, not because you don't hear my YouTube videos, but because there's something deeper going on that's preventing you from moving forward in that area. The retreat is the ultimate in dealing with the inner conflicts that prevent the happiness and the peace that we could be experiencing in this life. If you want to go and check that out, go to mhvirtualretreat.com. That link is mhvirtualretreat.com. And you can book an appointment with one of our three retreat specialists. That's right. There aren't tons of them. There's not 100 different people

across the world who know nothing about our program talking to you. There are three. Their names are Emma, Michael, and Charlotte. I am close to all three of these people, just like the rest of our team, which is a family. They know me and my world inside out. They have spoken about this program to people for years, and they are there to help you decide if it's right for you. And at the very least to figure out what this next chapter of your life could be about for you. So even if you don't come to the virtual retreat as a result of that call, just doing the call will be valuable in and of itself. That link again is mhvirtualretreat.com. Before we jump into the episode, I also want to tell you about our Love Life membership. This is a monthly membership where people come to treat it as a gym for their

psychology, their love life, and their love for life. The love life membership is not just about dating and relationship advice. It's about you training your entire life to be one that's attractive and makes you the best, most confident, most happy version of yourself. Unlike the podcast or the YouTube videos, or if you follow us on Instagram and Facebook, this is real live coaching. You're getting your questions answered. We bring people on live if they'd like to come on live and actually go through a demonstration. Even if you don't want to do that because you're a little bit shy and you prefer to be in the background, that's okay. You can watch other people get coached live and you can also send in your questions so that you actually have a shot at getting either myself, my dad, Steve, or my brother, Stephen, to answer them. There's also a treasure trove of existing content in there that isn't anywhere else that does a deep dive into the things that can transform your love life.

And it gives you a community alongside it. It's like, Steve, you know how Peloton gets you, you join that membership to get you fit. Well, this is what you join to get your love life and your love for life fit. Absolutely. Something that cannot be missed. There is a 14 day free trial to that membership that you can get at askmh.com. So if you want to go and sign up for free right now for a 14 day free trial membership, where you can join a couple of webinars, try it out, see for yourself what it does for you, and then make a decision if you want to stay on board. You can go and do that at askmh.com. You'll also notice on that page, when you get there, there's a chance for you to actually ask a question that could be featured on the next

webinar. So once you join, you've already asked one of your top questions. Those questions remain anonymous. We don't give away any information and you can remain anonymous too on this membership if you just wish to participate at a distance and get all of the information. All right, Stephen, let's get on with the show. I've got a lot I want to talk about today. Let's start with, well, let's start with your comment here on the show Sex Life, which, you know, we talked about, you know, I had a bit of banter about it. I had never seen it. So I was one of those annoying people that was talking about something they'd never actually seen. What are your thoughts?

You've watched three episodes now. Tell us. Well, tell me what this review says, because I want to see if I agree. It's quite a long review. So I'll just read you. I'll read you a little bit of it. But it's quite interesting. So hi, Matt. She says, I highly recommend you watch it.

It's not pornography. I was being slightly, you know, on the, in the, in the cheek, on the cheek. Why am I struggling with that phrase right now? I have, I was tongue in cheek. Why was I struggling with that very everyday phrase? Ever had that moment? It's not nice when you have it on a live podcast. All right. I highly recommend you watching the movie. It's not pornography. It's now, Steve, it's not a movie, is it?

It's a show. It's a show. Show. So now I'm questioning whether she's actually watched it. She had security and stability with her husband, despite the fact that he was looking physically amazing with a six pack and everything. And he looked like he had it all together, but she felt unwanted because he put her last on his priority list behind his career and their

kids. Now this much I got from the trailer, Steve, he had no time for her. Their relationship lacked chemistry, big time connection and compatibility yeah well those are some of the problems isn't it when we when we choose a certain look and a certain set of criteria that we see on paper without looking for the deeper stuff her ex-lover was an Aussie man not a Brit so there I got that wrong I was going to correct that immediately actually you're both wrong I think he's a Kiwi he mentions being a Ki Kiwi. So he's from New Zealand. Fair enough. Charismatic and magnetic, who knew how to make her feel wanted and desired.

So hot. They had undeniable chemistry and compatibility together. And their connection was off the charts, Stephen. Now, that sounds like the beginning of any heartbreak story when I hear that, because I know that there's a but coming. And guess what, Steve? There is. But he had unhealed childhood trauma regarding his father because his father left him and his mom. By the way, I just want to give a spoiler alert because there's probably a lot of spoilers in the next three minutes. So fast forward five minutes if you don't want these spoilers.

But he had unhealed childhood trauma regarding his father because his father left him and his mom when he was a kid. She kept pushing him to solve it. There's the problem in it. But he was in blaming and victim mentality. You know, men don't like to be told what to do. Oh, there we go. You know, men don't like to be told what to do. Although she was in her psychology PhD program, meaning she knew a lot about human behavior. By the way, this is this all I'm not now I'm not slagging it off because I haven't seen it, but I'm just talking about what I'm hearing in this review. This all sounds like a caricatured version of every situation.

How every woman feels like I'm psychologically evolved, that I emotionally understand people on a level that this buffoon, this lovable, sexy buffoon in front of me doesn't. And I know what's best for him better than he does. Most of the women we talk to don't have psychology PhDs. Some of them do, however, most of them don't, but they still have that feeling like I've done some sort of life psychology PhD and I know better than this idiot who turns me on. So she knew a lot about human behavior after he resolved his trauma issues with his father, which by the way, he had a totally wrong perspective about his father. All those years, the Aussie guy wanted her back, but it was too late because after she got tired of his rollercoaster emotional behavior, she decided to marry this good looking, wealthy guy to have a stable life and kids like most women want.

Well, I think we're learning that. Well, we're not learning, Steve. I mean, we bloody well know it's not the only thing most people want is a good looking, wealthy guy to have a stable life and kids. It definitely isn't the only thing most people want is a good looking wealthy guy to have a stable life and kids. It definitely isn't the only thing someone wants. Yeah. A little bit more. So should I say my piece or does she?

Well, let me keep going for a moment. It's actually quite it's quite interesting hearing all of this. So her husband wanted to know what she saw in her ex lover that he didn't have. So this is, he's another buffoon. He's like, what don't I have? I'm not giving you any attention. What don't I have? What's he? I never give you any of my love or attention. You're always last on the list what does he have that I don't okay well we'll park that because I'm going to question that but let's let's park that all right very good so basically he didn't know what he was doing wrong despite not giving her

any attention she says which I found interesting that he actually chased the guy which I found interesting her husband wanted to know what she saw in her ex-lover that he didn't have yeah so he starts following the guy oh he's not following the guy okay that chased is misleading sounds like he also got turned on by him it's a love triangle in every sense of the word and so then uh but it wasn't the size of his penis like most men think well just for the record i never thought it was about the size of the other bloke's penis matt it was matt it was they show it in episode three it was absurd no i know i'm just saying like i put that down to just there's a a writer in the writer's room at the production company who's just thinking this is gonna get us publicity for the show so i'm

not i don't think that this really like the what lured her back was just a huge penis no but um it wasn't the size of the penis like most men think i don't even think most men think that but let's keep going it was about connection and compatibility don't they it didn't sound like it was about compatibility um when it's about insecurities men think immediately about the size of their penis i don't know if that's true i don't i think we think about the fact i think we think about everything i everything. I haven't got any money. I'm not funny. Other blokes are funnier than I am.

They're more interesting than I am. They're more intelligent than I am. Yeah, they're taller. They're more famous. They're whatever. And he's probably got a bigger penis. So women think about size of their breasts. Her words, not mine.

But it's not about body parts. Size is about connection. No matter how much she tried to connect with her husband, it didn't work. We cannot force connection, period. Although she was longing to feel a wanted and desired woman by trying to recreate what she had with her ex-lover. She chose to remain with her husband because she couldn't bear the thought of losing her two kids and the emotional stability they had together. I guess sometimes we cannot have it all. I urge you to watch the movie. I think it's a TV show. It's going to change your perspective about women's desire and what matters to us most. When young, we seek adventure and excitement. When more mature, we seek safety, stability, love, and peace. Regarding when having kids, we become more mature. In fact, she goes on to talk about, you know, when you have kids, you experience a kind of

unconditional love that maybe you haven't had before. And that's one of the draws of having children and people often change after having had kids. So that was from Abundance Angel, which by the way, thank you. Thank you for, thank you for laying it out. Thank you for your commentary on the episode. We're really happy that you decided to write in. We appreciate it. Stephen, what do you think? First of all, that is an extremely long iTunes review. So I cannot believe that was in an iTunes review. She's reviewed sex life on our show. On iTunes. On iTunes. So I, you know, well, what do you think? Well, it's's that's a nice framing of of the dilemma of the show and and um I can't tell what side abundance is on there I guess she's sort of

saying she empathizes with the main character Billy who decides to go on this dalliance uh from her husband now I've only seen three episodes so I'm not going to review the whole show um let's get it out the way there is some this this show ticks every cliche box you could imagine of fantasy you know fantasy uh love triangle geared towards women it's trying to frame up the oh there's two extremely gorgeous men on the table and just so the comparison between them doesn't get too difficult, they're both obscenely rich and successful. So we don't want them to be like, we don't like women watching it going, well, her husband's really successful, so she should just be with him

because he's got this beautiful. Yeah, you want to make it a level playing field financially. So it's not like he's just the loser with the giant car. Right. The bad boy Aussie who's already really handsome anyway. Not Aussie, Kiwi. Kiwi. God, oh, God.

He's a Kiwi. The bad boy Kiwi. You corrected me on that. I know, I know. But they're saying they can't go, well, he's a bad boy, but he's down and they can't they can't go well he's a bad boy but he's down and out it's like no he's a bad boy he's also matt an important enough record producer to get on the cover of rolling stone so a record producer on the cover of rolling stone so he's really up there um you know he's like a scooter brawn or something um and so sort of like twilight it's sort of like

twilight where bella is both with the hottest vampire and the hottest werewolf right it's like what like she's the only one in the world who's dating these two supernatural freaks can't even share them around and uh her husband's like this super successful finance guy, but he's not just soulless in finance, Matt. He runs impact investing funds because he could have presumably had multiple millions at JP Morgan, I think it's mentioned, but he basically turned it down to do still highly lucrative, given their house, but much more ethical impact investing to invest in good, you know,

good important things. We don't know what sort of size mortgage they had. No, no. But they have a live-in nanny, I think two. There's two nannies at some point that we see in the show. So anyway, I think the only – there's lots of problems in the show there is some extremely unsubtle voiceover narration that literally tells you every thought the character has while we're already seeing it on the screen so it's completely unnecessary and you know it's like our breast

pumping is really frustrating but we can see that because you look miserable while you're wearing a breast pump and you know and they get her to do the exact voiceover it's really really unusual because the voiceover sounds exactly like the voiceover in Gone Girl and they clearly watch that. And you know how much that annoyed me Steve I found that I enjoyed Gone Girl as a movie but I just found the voiceover incredibly affected. Right. Right. And Gone Girl. Yeah. Gone Girl's great. But yeah, that that part is like the kind of part that you really notice. And they have almost do an impression of the same voice. So that's right. But but yeah, basically, I don't do that narration over the the the shower scene with the penis.

She's narrating over loads of scenes. It's all the time. But got it. But yeah, I think that's just the guy's bit. But but yeah, basically, I've seen a lot of women criticizing the part of the show of her decisions. And some people have said, oh, this is a great sort of sort of you know it's not i don't think it's a great show i mean let me just get that out there it's silly the writing is cliched etc um but i think some people are saying well it's good we're seeing for once like a woman having to deal with the decision of cheating and it's not just like mad men and it's not just like don draper is cheating on his wife and we're all kind of oh god he's so

broken inside you know it's the woman doing it that now so i get that but obviously now a lot of people are judging well you know is do i feel like i empathize with this character and the only thing is the husband tries really hard actually as soon she, I mean, he is handsome and seems like a lovely guy. There's not a catch there. He's like this good-hearted guy. He's not some wimp. He's like a strong guy, successful. Everyone loves him.

And when he reads her diary and sees she's been writing about old Kiwi fella that she loved before. And she's saying, oh, I'm fantasizing about him so much because bloody kids is annoying and, you know, not as fun. Like she had a bit of a wild life before. Which we already knew about because she's narrated it. Yeah. And her husband knows nothing about any of her wild past. And that's part of the thing. He's not been in on that at all. But she has said, oh, the sex with him was great when we first got together.

So the husband can have great sex. And then like the first time he's watching the game, he's a bit like busy. But then they do, when he reads the diary and goes, oh my God, she's been fantasizing about another man. He immediately starts to like do some wild shit for her to like take her to like sneak into this rich guy's pool and they like have a have a fun night they're doing like crazy stuff getting in trouble which is a weird thing to do when you're a rich guy with

a pool i know and they drive it away from the police and everything and they're in with just a towel around them so she's had a mental wild night like the old days but i think i think it just so and he's done that just because he's read her diary about some other guy and so it's probably by the way about the best response you could possibly hope for from someone reading that right and and so i'm not saying the life with him is obviously what what she she's obviously feeling unsatisfied. But it's like, well, this guy started trying quite quickly and clearly wants to fix this issue. They never have a conversation where she goes, so I have been feeling sexually unfulfilled. Can we, you know, talk about that a bit? It's just, oh, he did try.

We sort of had a good we had a really good night, but I still feel it didn't really quite make me feel so satisfied. We're going to get, we're going to get another review on iTunes and it's going to say all the things, Stephen, you said this didn't have happens in episode four, which you didn't watch. Right. And so that may be the guy, maybe the husband has more problems and uh you know that that gets worse but but um yeah so i think a lot of people are judging well like was there enough to sort of drive her to another guy but maybe we're just seeing a flawed character and she's just not making great decisions a la don draper we don't defend everything don draper does um Maybe she's just making silly decisions and it's all going to end

going, oh, what a crazy path I took that time when my marriage was in a crisis. Or maybe there's a deeper cultural critique, Matt, that is saying maybe the very deep, you know, I like to look for underlying messages in things, secret message the straussian message and maybe the straussian message here is marriage doesn't work for everyone and maybe this woman was societally geared to to lean towards getting married eventually and it was never maybe it's not for everyone and this show is going look she wants to be with the bad boy with the toxic, you know, family relationship. And she wants to have all sorts of fun. And a stable marriage is never going to be satisfying.

I don't know, Matt. Maybe it's criticizing marriage as a whole. The only thing is the bad boy has a lot of, I mean, he does have toxic traits. And I get that he's working on them, but she has a bad interaction with his family and he immediately is like to her, like, go get out. I don't want to talk to you. Like you've seen the real me and my fat, my crappy stepdad. Like he's basically saying to her, like, get the hell out of here.

And you know, I mean, that's not a great start, is it? Well, I just, that's not a great start, is it? Well, I just think that we glorify this idea of changing the guy who's got trauma. And that, I don't think that needs any more glorification. You know, it's not, that's not, listen, Steve, I'm in the weird position of having coached most types. You know, I've coached both genders over 15 years, longer than that now, if you count both genders. I've worked with everybody. And I have empathy across the board. You know, one of the things that I've been criticized for in the past is having too much empathy for guys. And, you know, why you, you know, why don't you just tell women to do this

when a guy like that shows up and so on. But it's because I have a kind of 360 degree empathy. I like, I love people don't always like them. I love them. And, but when a guy has trauma, real or not, it doesn't matter. That's not, that's not your, your life is precious. And you can't stake your life on the changing of somebody else's trauma, because you never know what stage someone is in at dealing with their trauma. They could be at an attention-seeking phase with their trauma. They could be at an excuse-making phase with their trauma, where they're saying they're using their trauma right now and have done with the last 10 women. They're using their trauma as an excuse to do the behaviors that they enjoy doing or that are fun or comfortable. Or maybe they learned one day that when they brought up their trauma, women gave them sympathy.

And so they kept every, every new situation they were in. They realized, ah, trauma is my, my free pass. When I mentioned my trauma and my parents and whatever women go from being angry at me for stuff I've done to being sympathetic. I had no idea. And now they start showing up for me differently. So what's easier, you know, owning my stuff or, or telling people my trauma. And it's not, there's no, there's nothing wrong with revealing parts of yourself and your traumas to people, but that has to be, you revealing them from a place of ownership. And this is something I'm working on. Not I have all of this stuff and I know it's making your life a misery,

but that's my stuff. And you can't, you know, I'm that 50 shades to me kind of did the same thing. It's like, we're glorifying someone sticking on the journey of someone who has massive trauma and makes their life miserable in the meantime on the idea we call it the one day wager steve the idea that one day somebody is going to change if i just give them enough love if i just give them enough support if i just give enough of my life to this person they'll change but the relationship you have with someone is the relationship you have right now. It's not the relationship you will one day have.

It's the one you have now. And, you know, it's interesting because that review on iTunes, I had a similar thing happen when I was on a radio show and I criticized 50 shades for its message and someone who was a big fan of 50 shades a woman who was a big fan of 50 shades got quite defensive about it and about their connection and what they had together and what he was having to work what she was helping him work through and it it's, to me, it's this very, it's this beyond cliche narrative of the woman helping the guy overcome his trauma. In the meantime, just martyring herself to his trauma. And, and that is, that is not, that cannot be no, none of us would give that as a recipe to someone we love any woman we love, whether it's your sister, whether it's your daughter, whether it's your mom, who you find, you know, your mom's single again, after a divorce

from your dad, and she's back out there. Who among us would prescribe that as a narrative we would want them to follow as a story we would want them to embark on? Oh yeah. It's my mom who I'm really, I've really wanted to meet a great guy. Guy shows up. Who's got five years of deep trauma to go through where she's going to make her life hell. Yeah. Choose that one. Yeah. Who's going to say that? None of us would choose it for a, for a person we love. And yet we frequently choose it for ourselves. So what does that tell you? It tells you that you're the, anytime you're defending the idea of sticking around for someone who is making your life miserable because of their trauma, it says it's about

your confidence or your lack of love for yourself. It's not about whether you actually think this is a good idea or not, because if it was someone you truly loved outside of yourself, you would not recommend this. You'd tell them to get out now. So that's, I think at the heart of, that's at the heart of so much of what I, I worry about with stuff like this is that it does just, it glorifies the very thing that we have spent 15 years helping people to avoid and making them confident enough to realize they should avoid. And we meet the woman who is at the end of a five or a 10 or a 20 or a 30 year journey of having given her time to that kind of person. Many of whom, and perhaps even arguably most of whom don't actually change. Most don't ever have the big turnaround moment.

Right. And you go ask yourself, if, if you stuck with someone for 10 years, if you were with someone for 10 years, a total, and it was miserable for nine years, but in year nine, or just as year 10 was coming up, they changed and you had a great last year with them. Is that calculation worth it to you, even if that happens? And that may not even happen. They may not even change in the 11th hour or the 10th hour. They may not.

So you may have just wrote it out with someone who never is going to change. So it's dangerous stuff. We think we're playing with romance, but we're playing with our time. We think we're playing with romance, but we're playing with our time. And time doesn't give a fuck about your romance. Time does not, it has no generosity towards you in that respect. It will let you do your thing, waste me all you want. I ain't coming back. You ain't getting a free pass. There's no second chance. Once we lose today, today is gone. Once we lose this year, this year is gone. There is no begging,

bartering, or blackmail that can get you back this year. So consider that when you find yourself justifying why you keep giving time to someone who, albeit for legitimate trauma, is making your life miserable. Well, Steve, I feel like I have more to say, but is that an episode? Should we cut there and then do another? Because I had all sorts of other things I came to talk about today. And somehow we've done a part two of the show Sex Life, which I've never seen. But you basically have seen it once you know the premise of every Love love triangle show.

You know what's happening. You know the dynamics in place. You know the temptations. Well, look, we'll be back. I've got much more to talk about. We'll be back on the next episode. This has been fun anyway. And I want to say to any of you who have not joined the 30 day confidence challenge,

come join us in that challenge is completely free. And it's something that will measurably improve your confidence in 30 days. The link for that is mhchallenge.com mhchallenge.com. Come join us there. And, uh, and remember if you haven't right now booked your appointment for the virtual retreat that's coming up in September, book your appointment now at mhvirtualretreat.com that's mhvirtualretreat.com. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. So you don't miss any episodes and as always feel free to go and leave us a review on itunes because clearly we're reading them uh and we really enjoy them and they mean a lot to us thank you steve thank you very much and uh you know uh i'll i may watch a

few more episodes but we we probably won't do another in-depth review i think it's fair i'll tell you now steve there won't be a part three this is it now there won't be a part three watch the rest all you like that's for you son yeah we're not we're not advertising netflix shows anymore if you by the way if there are any shows you want us to check out and review or if there are any things that you think matt and steve should have an opinion on this. That would be fun. Send it to podcast at Matthew Hussey dot com. That is podcast at Matthew Hussey dot com. Send us an email there and let us know what you thought of the show. Stephen, where next episode we're reading those emails because we haven't read any this episode. I don't know what's going on. As far as I know, we're left out in the

cold and no one's even emailed us. But I don't believe that's true. Next episode, I don't know what's going on. As far as I know, we're left out in the cold and no one's even emailed us, but I don't believe that's true. Next episode, I want to know what have people been saying? All right. Podcast at Matthew Hussey.com. Send us your emails and we'll see you real soon. I'm looking for love.