Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 129: Matt's Challenge From Hell (And What He Learned...)

Episode Date: August 20, 2021

Matt did a big, scary, difficult challenge. It was humbling. It was brutal. And it taught him a lot about friendship, confidence and doing things that scare you... --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- If you haven't locked in your place for the next Virtual Retreat this September 24-26, then now is the time.   Claiming your place this month will enter you into an exclusive drawing for the chance to receive one of three free tickets to the Virtual Retreat OR the grand prize of an exclusive 1:1 coaching session with me!   Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com to secure your spot.

Welcome everybody to another Love Life episode with myself, Matthew Hussey, and my dear, sweet, little, big brother, Stephen Hussey. Hello, chums and chuckles. Welcome to the show. Matthew, I've got a lovely email in from a listener. Go on, Steve. So this is from Sonia, who says, I hope this email finds you well. I'm a regular listener of your podcast on Spotify and I've watched all your YouTube videos, brackets,

since pre-Spotify days. That's quite the claim, Steve. Yeah, I mean, bless you, Sonia. I don't know if that was, I hope that was all goodness, but that's quite a marathon. All right. Don't make it sound that hard. No, just she's a completionist and I respect that.

She says, Matthew, your words have helped me tremendously over the years. I would find myself occasionally bookmarking videos or saving podcasts to listen to them over again. Many times I would nod my head and say, yes, that's right. Allowed in agreement. It's a great feeling. I always liked how assertive and direct you are when you provide your views and advice, yet still give us that space to decide for ourselves. You make us, or at least me, examine my past decisions and relationships, question my expectations, insert different perspectives, which makes me think. And I'm a deep thinker, so I like that. With Stephen hosting too, it brings another male's perspective and pace, create more openness to the topic. I like the realistic examples and stories that

further solidify the points which help involve more listeners. And I can hear it in your voice and tone how much you both truly care about your listeners. So thank you, Matthew and Stephen. You brothers bring us much closer to the conversation. And she inserted a little happy birthday for when it was your birthday. Matt, thank you for all you do for starting all of this from 10 years ago. I can tell you a hardworking man who keeps improving daily. Let's all age like fine wine, she says. Sincerely, Sonia. Well, that is just lovely, Sonia.

Thank you. That is really, really touching. The moment where you said, I often find myself, I think she said many times I find myself nodding in agreement. I thought that was going to be followed up with, you know, the, the opposite side of that. Many times I find myself nodding in agreement. Other times I think what a prick. No, we, we appreciate it. And, and we're Stephenven and i we're having fun together doing this aren't we steve this is dare i say bringing us even closer than we already are which is some feet because we're already pretty bloody close it is i recommend it if you want to talk to someone more

schedule a podcast together and you'll have more conversations that aren't just about daily you know nonsense yeah well maybe maybe air out some of the some family trauma and stuff first before you you go live on the podcast otherwise there's no telling what will come out well i uh steve i would be reading a review right now from itunes but there are no new reviews there are no new itunes reviews since since the last one there hasn't been a new review which means people haven't gone to itunes and they haven't reviewed the podcast people you know matthew loves to go to itunes and read the reviews so you know that about me so if you haven't yet go and leave them pretending it's like a relationship where i keep saying i love flowers but then you never buy them and you and you guys are just sitting there going

but you know you know you know that i love you why do i don I need to get you flowers? And I'm like, but I love flowers. I'm sitting here flowerless. Yeah. You know, when people say I never read the reviews, I don't read the reviews of my films. Matthew goes and reads all the iTunes reviews. So you will get Matthew read your review if you go and leave one. Can I tell you why we read the reviews here? Go on. Because, you know, there are places where we get thousands of reviews.

I read them here because there's a steady trickle. Right. It's very manageable. Isn't that a funny irony? Where there's a steady trickle, I'm like, let's read the review. If we got 10,000 reviews, I'd be like, I'm not reading the reviews anymore. I can't do this. But the fact that there's a nice little trickle of them means i can actually go in and just be like

oh what's what susan said today yeah if susan if susan wanted to just be my pen pal via reviews on itunes that would be the way that would be the way to do it all right well listen steve we've got lots to talk about today but uh first i know you're not from our sponsors oh sorry go on do you like cereal do you crave that sweet sweet childlike taste of the cereal you used to have when you were a kid i don't know where i don't know where this is going. But yes, the cereal is actually healthy. So you can have it guilt free.

Well, there are places on the internet you can buy that cereal, but you can't buy it here because we don't sell cereal, guys. So what the hell are you all thinking? If, however, you would like to improve your life dramatically via some kind of non-serial based route, we have a couple of things that might be able to help. A virtual retreat, Stephen, in September from the 24th to the 26th. Have you got your ticket yet?

More to the point. Have you even done the phone call where you could speak to one of our team and learn more about it and yourself at the same time? 30 minutes where you just talk about you. Just talk about yourself. What do you want? Where do you want to go? What is it you want to make happen in your life? Have you even done that phone call, Stephen? No, you haven't. No, I haven't. No, I haven't. And there are three people that you could be speaking to. And they're called Charlotte, Emma, and Michael.

And what these people do is all day, they just speak to people about what their goals are, where they want to go, what's holding them back. And if it feels right, they help you get to the virtual retreat in September, which is going to be a game changer for so many people. So if you want to spend three days with myself, with Stephen, with my father, with Jameson, with our entire team working on your entire life. No, it's not a dating retreat. People always ask me, Matt, tell me more about your dating retreat.

We don't run a dating retreat. This isn't Love Island. This isn't a Netflix show. We help people with every part of their lives holistically to be the most attractive, peaceful, confident, in control person they can be in their life so that they can enjoy their life. And if by extension, that means attracting an amazing person to enjoy it with, then that's great. But it ain't just going to help you with that baby. It's going to help you with lots of things. The virtual retreat is coming up in September from the 24th to the 26th. If you would like to book your appointment to talk about it, go to mhvirtualretreat.com. In other news, we also have a membership that you can be a part of if you want more of me and Steve every month, but not in a capacity where we're just talking and riffing.

In an actual coaching capacity where we answer live questions, do live coaching demonstrations, get into the weeds of your life and what you want to work on. We do that in the Love Life Club. This club is a place where people go to get psychologically and emotionally fit in their life so that they can bring the best them to their love life and create the the highest possible love for life that they can because my god is life too short not to enjoy it even when you're on the path to where you want to go still single and looking but want to enjoy life more now while you look increase your love for life that love life club has a 14 day free trial meaning you can sign up today, try it for 14 days, come join us on a couple of live coaching webinars and see if you like it before you actually have to commit. You

can cancel at any time free of charge in those 14 days. So come give it a go. To sign up for your 14-day free trial, go to askmh.com. now, let's begin, Stephen. Well, Matthew, I feel like I need to ask about your ongoing recovery. Because I know I've seen you hobbling into the studio today. Just hauling yourself into your chair carefully like a granddad. And I'm wondering what's, what's going on with old Matt. Well, I'll tell you, Steve, this is actually the best I've been walking all week. I,

for a lot of people they know I recently did the it's called hell on the hill. It's a challenge at Jesse Itzler's house in Connecticut. Do I, we might need to bleep that part out. It's, it's a, we'll bleep that part out where I said what it, where I said what kind of place he lives in and where. But it's a, it's a, it's a, what, how do you even describe this? This is, there is a big hill outside Jesse Itzler's house. Jesse Itzler is a guy that came to the Wim Hof Retreat in Poland with me. Steve, you know, back when I did the Wim Hof Retreat in Poland, which my God, we could do a whole other episode on, but that was us me and a group of guys some amazing guys it's a superhuman type guys all went to poland to do pursuits in the snow and the ice that were i mean designed to freeze

our balls off and see what we had in us basically um so that's what we did. But since then, I've had this amazing tribe of guys, Steve, that every time they get together, you sort of can't say no, because you know, it's going to be interesting. You know, you're going to get so much from it. And even if it's something you don't want to do, you still say yes, because you just know that the time together is going to be worth it. Well, this was one of those things. It's a race where you have to go up and down this giant hill a hundred times. It takes four hours to complete. So it's like the length of a marathon. And by the way, it's not like it really takes an hour, but they give you four just for the people that, you know, need to take their time. It takes four hours at a good pace. If you're not a great, like if you're not going a good pace that whole time, you're done. You're not going anywhere.

You're never going to finish. And I'll tell you, Steve, I was doing it with our friend lewis house i was doing it with jesse it's slow i was doing it with mitch like all these amazing guys that came to poland with us i wasn't ready i was not prepared for this i mean these are guys, you know, your group of sort of Superman friends, if I can call it that. And you know, Steve, I'm a fit person. I work out. I've boxed for a long time.

Do you know what I mean? I'm not precious in that area. No, no, you work out. You're not a big cardio man. think that's fair no i'm not um but but these are a group of these are like your your man friends that you've made and you you know you love your little man bonding time and i do i couldn't be happier for you and they're all very you know kind of semi-thrill-seeking athletic manly competitive men and this is the kind of thing where any any guy in that group is going to feel like he's got to keep up fitness wise so did you sort of go were you sort of bowling in thinking well I've done

the Wim Hof now I've proven my metal this is running up a hill i can you know i can just style that out were you were you prepared for what was coming well you know i thought steve i was like i you know i box a couple of times a week i do jujitsu i've got like i'm in i i'm i'm in decent enough shape i'm in pretty good nick and you know someone even said someone even said before the hill, cause they know I'm a boxer. Someone said to me, Matt, and he, this is one of the like ultra marathon runners. How, I don't know exactly Jameson, how far to ultra marathon runners run? It's like a hundred miles, right? Something like that. Yeah. It's wild. I've heard, I've heard you

say it's a hundred in a day, which I still can't wrap my mind around yeah well jesse it's no no one of his uh feets is he was known for running a hundred miles in a day and one of his super one of his ultra runner friends said to me before the race matt let's just remember you're not getting punched in the face. So whatever it is, this is, it ain't as hard as what you do all the time. It's not, this isn't getting punched in the face. No one's punching you in the face as you're going up and down the hill. Well, Steve, it bloody well felt like they were. They may as well have been punching me in the face because this thing was so much harder than I could have ever realized. And by the way, I'll tell you this, here's my journey there, right? I get on the plane.

I've already underestimated what's coming. I'm so casual that I realize I forgot my running shoes. Oh, I've got a morning in Manhattan before going out to the house where it's happening. Could have gone to pick up a pair of running shoes, but thought I've got quite a lot of work to do. You know, I'll just wear my Air Force Ones. So my clumpy, heavy, flat footed Nike Air Force Ones were what I decided would be okay to scale this hill a hundred times. And I got there, Steve, and people looked at me like I was either the dumbest man on the hill or was being paid a fortune by Nike and I'll tell you which one it was I didn't I don't have any money in my pocket after that hill and no one was filming it so it wouldn't have been really been a big thing oh no they were filming it they were filming it but but i i'll tell you this steve if nike were filming it from the point of view of trying to show what their air force ones could do they wouldn't use the

footage they'd say look we'll we'll pay you because we've got a contract but we can't air this this is this is bad for our brand use that shot of matt crying and crying with his shirt off in his air force ones holding holding his swollen feet steve i have i don't think i've ever done something that physically demanding or painful in my life so So what is it? Is it the incline? It's not because the distance isn't long, right? Is it, is it just the incline? It's like going up steps for hours. Well, it's the incline and the, and the decline. Cause the decline is just roughing up your knees the whole time. You're, you're, it's just pounding. And you know how going downhill is hard on your knees. So every time you're you're it's just pounding and you know how going downhill is

hard on your knees so every time you're going down your calves and your knees are getting destroyed and it got to I'll tell you I was on pace with a bunch of people until about lap 50 and then the people I was going around with started disappearing. And I just, at 50, I thought I had this moment. Steve, you've done a marathon, haven't you? I've done one marathon. Right. I don't know if you had this moment on the marathon, but I had a marathon. I had a moment around lap 50 where I thought thought, oh my God, this is like, I don't know how I'm going to do this.

I have 50 laps to go and I'm all, my, my, my body is already shot. Not, not to mention I wasn't on pace. I was not on pace to finish in the four hours. That was the terrifying part. I realized that I wasn't going fast enough to finish the race in time. So I was going to have to do the second 50 laps faster than I did the first 50. Oh, God. Four hours is longer than I thought that was as well. The hundred laps, the hundred hill.

Four hours at a good click going up and down the hill. And I, I mean, Steve, you know me, I burn easily. I was either dowsing myself in, in sunscreen at the top of the hill. Every time I went, did a lap or at the bottom of the hill, there were people that could see my, there was all sorts of people on hand to try and help you at the bottom of the hill, my legs, they could see my legs had completely locked up. Like I was carrying them around, like they were just two stumps that I was dragging. They weren't moving properly. They

weren't bending. If I made one wrong move, you know, that excruciating cramp that makes you feel like if the definition of hell must be this feeling forever yeah i i they saw that and they were just chucking salt water down my neck trying to get like trying to uncramp my legs for me so that i could keep going it was a horror show and then in the last, and then in the last fifth, in the last, no, it was the last eight laps, I got to lap 92 and Mitch and Lewis could see that I was cutting it so fine to be able to finish in the time limit. So they started coming around with me on the downhill part, holding my arms and my back. So that, because by this point, by the way, my knees were shot. Like I couldn't, my knees were done. I was like, if I keep going down this hill forward, I'm going to screw up my knees big time.

So I thought, you know, you always have that. There's that conflict. I once heard The Rock tell a story about like about wrestling when he he'd massively injured his back in the middle of a fight. And he tells an inspirational story of continuing on and finishing the fight. And I sort of I remember reading the comments for it. And there was one person that was like, yeah, finish a fake fight to prove to everyone that you can finish when you're risking long-term back injury in the process. That seems like a good idea. And I remember thinking that is true. That's a valid perspective. Like, I don't know if the inspirational story is the one where you stop because screw pride, let's protect your back or the one where you carry on and potentially injure yourself for life because you wanted to prove to everyone you could, you know, like it's, that's always about, and I, I, my knees were shot and I was like,

is it worth it to screw up my knees for the sake of finishing this thing, but I found the solution and the solution was going down the hill backwards. So I started every time I had to go down the hill, I started going backwards, which is dangerous because if you take a tumble down the hill, that's a different kind of problem. So because I wasn't on pace, I was having to go so fast down the hill backwards. Like I was having to do a bit of a sprint backwards to make it in time. So the lads had to hold me so that I didn't trip and go rolling down the hill and could go really fast. And there were times where I was going too fast for them to hold me. So they weren't able to go fast enough to keep up with me as I was going down backwards. It was, and Steve, I'll tell you this.

It made me feel like I was back in high school and I was 11 years old. Because when I was 11 years old, I remember doing a race for swimming. It wasn't, and I don 11 years old because when I was 11 years old, I remember doing a race for swimming. It wasn't, and I don't want to make anyone think that I'm some incredible swimmer here. Like I was on the swim team in, in, in England. I don't know if it's like this in America in our school, we had houses like Harry Potter. You know, we had different houses you belong to. I was, we, you and I were in North House, weren't we, Steve?

Yeah. Well, North House was having to do a swimming race against, what were the other houses, North? It was literally North, South, East, West. Was it? But there were a couple of extra ones, weren't there? Sorry, not half, Weald. Weald?

Oh, there was half. Wasn't there another one, like Quibbley no that was in our in our old school there was quennell and laurence and bayman well we were in north house and we were i was north house we had to basically they needed swimmers for the race so they just grabbed the nearest people in the end i was in this swimming race doing breaststroke. Well, I tell you, Steve, I'm actually not bad at front crawl, but my breaststroke, if I was trying to get away from something in the ocean, I'm dead. That's it. If they said you could get away, you could only escape this thing through breaststroke. I'd just say, just eat me. I was in this swimming pool, Steve,

and racing against the other kids. everyone had finished. I had about two laps to go. And it was just me in the pool, swimming on my own in a race. Imagine that. Just I'm having a race where I'm the only one in the pool. So this reminded me of that. I haven't felt that feeling Steve, since I was 11 years old. Like I said, I walk into a boxing gym. I feel capable. I know what I'm doing. I got on that hill and, and I was amongst the last to finish that race. And I had this really weird feeling where I, I had this very strange mix of emotions. I was a bit embarrassed. I felt a bit of shame, like I can't believe I've I cannot believe that I am struggling this hard.

And I was looking at all the people at the top of the hill who had done their hundred laps already. And think and being like, you know, that immediate feeling of I'm not as good as everybody else. And then at the same time, I've got my friends helping me down the hill who have already done their hundred laps, who are helping me as I'm running backwards down this hill in order to make time, which was one of the most beautiful acts of friendship of my entire

life. Like I, at the end of that race, I felt, I felt emotional. Like I got teared up. I choked because I couldn't, it was such a, a beautiful act of love that they wanted to help me finish. And, and I remember at the end, everyone cheering me on. And it was such a, it was such a funny feeling, Steve, because feeling Steve because I'll tell you this in any other context everyone cheering me on for being the last person to finish would would be my nightmare like you know it wouldn't it wouldn't be it wouldn't be a movie moment for me it would be my nightmare yeah it would i'd feel it would be like the ultimate in in feeling patronized it's like attention for the wrong reason exactly everyone looking at you and and let me tell you this was so weird i i actually i I had a moment where my brain, my pride was doing that to me and then it stopped. And here's why it stopped. I, I had a moment of complete acceptance where I just went,

this is as good as I can do today. This is not, this is not people cheering me on for half trying. This is, this is whatever I am today. This is where I am. Yeah. The hill don't, the hill don't lie. No, no. Do you know what's funny? Someone literally said the, the inverse of that. Someone said, someone said at the end of the race, like, and this was one of the super athletes, but he was just like, man, the hill was honest today. He literally used that language. The hill and but I that's as good as I was that day and that's as much as I'd prepared and that's that was me having given my all and so it was very freeing because instead of thinking I should have been this, or I could have been that, I just thought it doesn't matter. None of it matters. None of the judgment of myself matters because this is as good as I am right now. Now, the fact that if I do that again next year, which

let's face it, I almost certainly will. And the fact that I'll prepare differently for that and that I will, I actually will prepare for that full stop is a different thing. I can be better at that. I can learn more about what it takes to actually be good at endurance sports, which have never been my thing, but that's as good as I was on that day. And I think that it was a real good lesson because Steve, you know, we've talked about our publisher, Karen Rinaldi's concept of suck at something, you know, Karen Rinaldi has that idea that you should be prepared to suck at something, that a beautiful life can come from not just doing things you're good at, but being okay with sucking at something, whether it's because you're just not good at it and never will be,

but you enjoy doing it anyway, or whether it's because you're at the start of your road on something and you have to be prepared to suck at something in order to get better. Sucking at something is important. It's a very freeing philosophy right i needed that philosophy on the hill that it's it's okay for me to to suck at this like that's okay and it it made me realize for myself god how many areas am i still how many areas of my life am I still resisting, sucking at something that would open up my life if I stopped resisting not being good at that thing? It's the resisting not being good at something that stops us from doing it in the first place when you think of public speaking it's the resisting the resistance of being bad at it is what stops us from doing it because no one's gonna you know it's not like you're standing in the in the you're standing

on stage in the theater and someone's going to take a shot at you yeah you know no one's coming to the no one's coming to assassinate you it's just you public speaking the resistance to being bad at it is what stops you doing it whether it's the gym how many people don't go to the gym because they're out of shape i mean think about that there's a lot of people who don't go to the gym because they're out of shape? I mean, think about that. There's a lot of people who don't go to the gym because they're out of shape. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And, and that's a resistance to being bad at something, you know, on some level, it's also a fear of discomfort or a fear of pain, but, but it's also that feeling of I'm going to be bad at

this. Yeah. People who don't do the gym the gym often have a very strange aversion to even being in the gym working out. They think there's going to be a spotlight effect and it's going to really show them up like, oh God, if I walk into a gym, what am I going to look like? And it is this ultimate fear of being bad at something. I'm not as good as other people. But the thing is, the thing we all have to remember is there are areas where we're pro. Right?

In your job, you may be a pro. Or you may be a pro when it comes to kindness. You might be a pro when it comes to kindness. You might be a pro when it comes to empathy. Like if someone came to you with a problem, you're a pro at sitting and connecting with them and listening, which is why everyone comes to you to talk about their problems, because you're like a Jedi master when it comes to helping people with their problems. Or maybe you're a pro at time management. We all have our area where we excel. We all have an area we do really well.

We don't need to be a pro in every area. And the more you can tell yourself, look, I know who I am. I, you know, it's nice to have areas of our lives where we are, you know, our, our competence in an area is visible from the outside. People can see it. People acknowledge it. That's nice. But if we're needing that in every area, we're going to live very small lives. Our lives will contract. They will not expand because you can't be that in every area. And a big part of what we talk about, you know, a big part of the love life philosophy, both here with the love life podcast and in our love life members club, a big part of that philosophy is life expansion. It's expanding out your life, the people that you know, the experiences you have, the emotions you experience,

the things that you add to the portfolio of your life. And you cannot do that if you're not prepared to go into something and be a complete amateur. And I'm not even talking from the point of view of, of getting good at something. I'm saying that even if you never get good, even if all you do is embrace new experiences, because you're comfortable with who you are and what you're good at, and you're willing to do something just for the experience of it, just to learn more about yourself. That day on the hill, I learned about myself. I learned how I pushed through. Like

that was that for me was an unbelievably hard race that I pushed through that breeds confidence because it wasn't that I, I, I did a good job compared to everyone else, but I genuinely did the best I could do. And that's pride comes from that. That's real pride. I also experienced genuine, beautiful love from other people in the process because at the point of complete exhaustion, at the point of having nothing more to give, my pride went away. My pride disappeared and all that was left was I'm grateful for the support because I really want to finish this race. The combination of hard times and love melted away all the nonsense of ego and, oh, I shouldn't be taking this help. Oh, I shouldn't need this help. I should be better at this. I should be as good as everybody else. All of that melted away

in the face of me trying my best and being grateful for the help along the way, because I knew I needed help. And I think that the more we can start to understand that about our lives that ego can ego and pride and comparison and judgments about ourselves can melt away in the face of us just genuinely doing our best today to get through to deal with our problems to deal with our problems because that's the our problems. Because that's the thing, when we're comparing ourselves to somebody else, we're not factoring in their problems versus ours or what they've been through versus what we've been through. On that day, comparing myself to other people is stupid, really. Other people might have trained more. Other people might be

built differently. Other people might have done 10 of these might be built differently other people might have done 10 of these races and they knew what was coming you know other people might be athletes who have focused on that their whole lives other people have different psychology there's all manner of things that mean that comparison is is just silly because when you're actually just doing your best, all the comparison in the world won't make you better because you're doing your best. By definition, the comparison is completely redundant. And if we in our day-to-day can focus on doing our, the specific word, our best. If we can focus on doing that and then simply just be grateful for any help we can get along the way.

Because pride in that sense is silly. Right. because pride in that sense is silly right it it's you know henry fraser steve who came to he was one of our interviews in the love life club yeah this is a tetraplegic guy who is the most beautiful human being when he was, I think he was 18 or 19 at the time. He went on his first trip alone with a group of guys. He dove into the ocean. He wasn't diving off of a cliff. He was literally wading into the ocean and choose and dove in, but didn't realize that there was a sandbank in front of him and dove head first into the sandbank and immediately became paralyzed from the neck down i think he's now in his i think he's

around 30 years old um and you know his latest book which unfortunately i can't remember the the name of um but his second book, he literally goes through the daily routine that he has. And the daily routine that he has is one of constant help. It's one of someone helping him to get out of bed, someone helping him to the bathroom. When he paints, because he paints with, he can't use his hands. He paints with his mouth. When he paints, he puts a brush, a paintbrush in his mouth and paints with his mouth. Someone has to help him get into a position where he can sit there with a

paintbrush and then paint for the next couple of hours. There is literally nothing in his life, relatively speaking, that he can do. Even the things he does to achieve, there's nothing he can do without help. Well, that doesn't take away from any of the pride of him doing his best every second of the day. And by the way, it's the same with everybody. Everyone needs help, whether they admit it or not. Everyone needs help to get through their day. Everybody. And so we almost should be less worried about asking for help, less worried about taking help, less worried about seeking out help.

I'm more concerned with what help can I get just to help me be the best I can be. It's why I applaud anybody who chooses to do therapy or anybody who chooses to come to one of our programs or come to the virtual retreat or hire a coach. I applaud people who do that from an, not from a place of, you know, we all know there's kind of a seminar junkie type. That's a different thing. That's someone who's addicted to help, but doesn't actually do anything with that help. Right. But I'm talking about people who genuinely reach out to say, I can be better. I want to be better. What can I know or what help can I get in order to help raise me to better? That's a beautiful thing. And I'll say this, Steve, I got one other insight from this thing that I just wanted to

share with everybody. There were a lot of people at this thing. mean there's 80 100 people a lot of people i you know me steve i i love people but i get a bit exhausted socializing well on day one i was exhausted socializing i got there at 2 p.m the race didn't start till the day after we were all staying over and it was a day of just socializing with everyone there well after three or four hours of small talk with everybody I was like I had that feeling of I need to I feel like I need to go to my room and just decompress for a minute because you know people again people I think misunderstand introvert versus extrovert it's not that introvert means you're bad at socializing. It just means you find it draining. And you have a recovery time that's different from an extrovert in that situation.

Well, I was pretty drained. But here's what I've learned about doing events like this. And any event, for anyone who's got events coming up or anyone who's, who's going to be around people and feels kind of exhausted from that. I, there are a couple of key things I've learned that I go into those situations with. One of them is to have the energy going in that I want people to have with me. So if I want warmth, if I want openness, if I want people to have, if I want people to go deeper with me in the small talk, I have to bring that to the table. So I don't sit there going, God, I wish more people would

come over and introduce themselves because that would make me more comfortable. Or that would mean I wasn't stranded in this room on my own right now. I literally think to myself, what I, I need to be the thing that I want other people to be. So if I'm grabbing my lunch and there's four people at a table over there, I need to be the one to go over and be like, Hey guys, mind if I come sit with you? Yeah. And I have to be that. The second thing is the more work, and by work, I just mean the more effort you put in to know people early in the event, the easier the end of the event is. And not just the easier, the more fun it is. Because you have put in the groundwork that means later on or tomorrow, these people won't be strangers. A lot of what we want, especially people who are introverts, but in general,

I suppose, a lot of what we want is to feel like the people in the room aren't strangers. We want to feel like we're comfortable, comfortable enough to relax, comfortable enough to just be ourselves, comfortable enough to not feel like we have to entertain constantly. And the root to that is actually is effort. The root to that is connecting with people so that you don't feel that an hour from now, so that you don't feel that tomorrow. And I always have to remind myself early on that at anything, whether it's a party, whether it's an event, the more I connect with people now, the more I'm not going to have any of these feelings or I'm going to dramatically reduce these feelings a few hours from now or the next day. And every time I'm leaving something like this, you know, by day three, when I left, I felt very different. I felt, you know, comfortable.

I felt like, oh, half of these, I didn't know everyone, of course, but I was like, I knew enough people to be like, oh, so-and-so. Oh, let's stay in touch. Oh, let's do that. Whatever. You know, it's easier. And now, of course, on Instagram, I'm getting DMs from all of these people that I met that weekend who since have realized how bloody impressive I am outside of the hill, I'm getting all of these DMS from people, um, who are connecting with me. And I like, I can't wait to see you next year. I can't like, you know, it's so good to meet you till next time I'm now in contact with those people. And the more I follow up on those relationships, the more those relationships will already be fostered for next time. So we have to not use our either fear of a situation and social anxiety, if you have that, or just simple introversion and feeling like, oh my God, this is exhausting. We have to not use that as an excuse to avoid the work of connecting with people because the great paradox is that connecting with people is the answer.

Truly connecting with people is the answer because that then diffuses all of those feelings that I, if in the case of social anxiety, make you feel like, uh, Oh my God, I I'm uncomfortable. I'm scared of this situation because it becomes known to you. Or in the case of introversion is the thing that allows you to actually have more energy in the situation because you're not using all of your energy to entertain or to be on your guard or to, you can actually relax. The reason, one of the reasons why introverts don't mind hanging out with just one or two close friends is because they're not having to pour their energy into the situation in the same way they can just be. Well, the more you connect early on in a social situation the more you can spend the second half of the situation

just being instead of doing yeah so a lot a lot a lot i took away from from that event and i and i'll finish with this i i remember many times in the run-up to it thinking oh god do I have to do this do I have to go am I really doing this I felt myself feeling that a lot in the run-up to it and man is it rare in my life that I get to the end of something like that and think I shouldn't have done this yeah that's the funny thing it's it's always the stuff that imprints in your memory because it was dramatic and that you feel was important worthwhile time to take out and i had it with the marathon i've had it with things where i decided to do a course i wasn't sure about, and there's loads of people there.

And then like, you know, like you say, when I decide, oh, I can't just wait for everyone to talk to me here. I've got to like get involved and put myself there. It's always, always benefited me. And I think that there is some deep lesson there about our status quo bias. We are always biased towards what already is, and it can blind us to what's out there and what's possible if we dip our toes. So you really have to fight your status quo bias. And I think this is one of the ways to shake the box, as it were, and rearrange the pieces. And it's the bits where you could be embarrassed it's the

bits where you could do something dumb it's the bits where you might not be as hot shit as you thought you were in certain areas but that's where you're you're gonna find all these interesting nuggets by digging around there your brain just kind of goes on to overdrive in it. It's like you, you go back to being this, you know, you look at kids, especially like young kids, you know, when they're like two, three, four, five, and you, you, it's almost like you can literally see their brains wiring themselves and soaking up information and learning like our nephew, Samuel, when we're around him, if you, if you say a new style of joke, like I did this joke around Samuel where I would just like, I'd pretend I needed to get somewhere,

but that he was directly in my path. He's like, well, how old is he? Like three, four, three, I'd pretend I kept needing to go somewhere, but he was directly in my way. So every time I'd be like, Oh, excuse me, Samuel, I go get through, excuse me, excuse me. And I'd like move him out the way. And then as soon as I walked past him, I turn around and do the same thing again, and walk back towards him. I'd be like, oh, sorry, excuse me, Samuel. I just got to get through. Sorry. Excuse me. And I'd move him out the way again. And I watched him, I did it like five or six times and I watched him just watching me as I was doing it. He like went quiet and he was watching me do it. And I could

see he was learning a new style of joke. Like he was learning, oh, this is a different game. Yeah. This is different. Huh? What's this? It's like his brain was, what was, wait, what is this? It's not real. He doesn't really need to get somewhere. So what is this it's like his brain was what was wait what is this it's not real he doesn't really need to get somewhere so what is this oh it's a some kind of a game he's playing and then and then a few minutes later he goes oh excuse me uncle Matthew excuse me and started moving me out the way to walk somewhere that that to me is how we want to be as adults, where it's, it's like you insert yourself into situations in life or other people's minds and stories, skills, whatever places where your brain is, is sort of having to stop for a moment and figure out, wait, okay, what's this new game?

What is this? What do I have to do? How do I navigate this new landscape? What does this mean? Oh, this is different. And as adults, we kind of register it as fear, right? We really register it as, oh, I don't like this newness a different thing i don't like it a different thing you know what i but that's where i i really think that our brains they they go back to being that that childlike brain that if you can if you can resist the urge to shut down and disappear and and run away from that new thing, your brain starts making all these new connections. And you come away.

It's kind of like how, Steve, I could do three different podcasts on that one weekend. I could do three because there's so many things that my brain comes away firing, going lessons about socializing, lessons about pushing through and perseverance and doing a difficult thing, lessons about my body, lessons about, you know, how to deal with cramp, you know, preparation, like funny story about forgetting my shoes like my brain goes crazy and it steve i'll tell you this if i was going on a date tonight i'd be i i would have so much to talk about right and that's that's what if i was going on stage tonight which i am in la this weekend if i was going on stage tonight, which I am in LA this weekend, if I was going on stage, you could just throw me up there.

Yeah. Because that's what living does. Our brain has so much to work with. But most of us are not living in that proactive sense. We are existing within our set groove. You know, we're walking this groove in the ground that we've trodden over and over and over and over again. And you sort of tread it so many times that you end up in a, you know, the groove is so deep, it becomes a

tunnel you can't see anything else and you think that's all there is but the moment you start traversing new ground again it's like you're standing above the ground level again and you see you start to see oh my god there's so much there's so much i don't know there's so much I don't know. There's so much I'm unsure about. There's so many other perspectives outside of my own. Steve, if you and I are living properly, if we're really living, it should make us look back on old videos old content and be like oh god can you look at what steve thought at 24 oh god look at what matt thought at 28 look at what i was saying at 30 i thought that was the thing you know like that the more we're living the more our own perspectives should start to we should start to make more and more distinctions and go, oh, I don't quite think that thing I did before. I don't quite think like that anymore. Or that perspective has evolved. If we're saying always the same things over and over and over again, that's a reflection of a life

that's when we're stuck in our groove. Yeah. Yeah. I always like when someone comes to me and says, Matt, you said something this week that, that seemed to kind of conflict a little with what you've said before. It's like, well, yeah, that's kind of, I mean, I hope so. I hope it doesn't all stay the same. If you can't, if, if nothing I say ever changes, you can't really trust that I'm out there doing what I tell you to do. My credibility as a coach is, is living the kind of life that I'm encouraging other people to live. Doesn't mean having the same life. That's a, that's to me, that's like, you know, I'm, I get so sick of people saying like, whether I'm in a relationship or not, and I am in a relationship right now, you know, but I don't go around talking about that all the time because to me, it's not, I don't, that's, I don't want to be judged on that. Like that feels

like a cheat because that's just about saying we all need to have the same goal or the same life you know we all need to have the same thing no but but we we do need to have a standard where where we're living to the level that we're encouraging other people to live to yeah absolutely learn learn learn get uncomfortable learn and be bad at shit you know that's it's not about learning and being great at everything learn and be learn and suck that's okay too just just do just get out like get out there and and i would encourage everyone like who's listening to this think of something this week or this month that is getting you out there in a different way than

you normally get yourself out there, whether it's in your personal life, whether it's in the kind of conversations you're having, the places you're going, the people you're spending time with, the skills you're playing around with, the books you're reading, just take yourself in a, in a different direction just for the hell of it and see the new connections your brain makes. Well, Steve, let's call it there for today. Uh, I want to say before everyone goes, please leave us a review on iTunes. We do love reading them and, uh, and send us your thoughts on the podcast as well to lovelife at how to get the guy. No, it's lovelife at Matthew Hussey. No, it's neither of them. Podcast at MatthewHussey.com.

You can email him. Send in your emails to podcast at MatthewHussey.com. Give us some feedback on this. Let us know what you thought. Let us know what resonated with you the most. And you could have a chance at getting your email read out on the next episode. Stephen, I love you, brother. Until next time. I love you too. All right. See you later, everyone. Bye-bye. I see the blog sites. Got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo.

Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.