Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 130: What REALLY Gets You A Second Date...

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Matt and Steve talk about the art of flirting and the REAL difference between chemistry and connection... --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- If you haven't locked in your place for the next Virtual Retreat this September 24-26, then now is the time.   Claiming your place this month will enter you into an exclusive drawing for the chance to receive one of three free tickets to the Virtual Retreat OR the grand prize of an exclusive 1:1 coaching session with me!   Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com to secure your spot.

How do you get someone to call you for a second date? You have to create chemistry, right? If you have connection with no chemistry, you may not get the call. In fact, it's possibly even likely you won't get the call. If you have chemistry without connection, you'll still get the call. Welcome back to another episode of the Love Life Podcast with myself, Matthew Hussey, and my dear brother, Stephen Hussey. Hello, cherubs. Good to be here. Well, let me just tell you before we get into this episode, we have had a lot of people, Steve, who are booking appointments to speak to our specialists

about the virtual retreat coming up in September. If you haven't got your appointment yet and you want to use half an hour on the phone to one of my specialists to define the next chapter of your life and what it's going to be about and explore the gaps, the internal conflicts, the things that you need to overcome in order to get to that next chapter, go to mhvirtualretreat.com, book your appointment with one of my three specialists, Michael, Emma, and Charlotte, and have a wonderful conversation that's all about you. Also, for anyone who's not a part of this yet, we have an ongoing membership called the Love Life Membership, which is designed to be a gym for your life, a gym for your emotions, a gym for your confidence. You know, we have such an embedded relationship these days with the

idea of joining a gym. That's such a normal, natural thing. And I have thought to myself many times in my life, Steve, if I spent as many hours working on my happiness, my mind, my emotional stability, as I did my body, I would be a much more happy and peaceful person. And that's one of the commitments that I've made to myself in the last couple of years is to literally, I literally do a calculation on how many days do I spend? How many hours a week do I spend on my physical fitness or my physical health? And then I go, what percentage of that time have I spent on my mind this week? That's an amazing point. It's good. Right. And I don't just mean like, that's not working doesn't count or intellectual pursuits don't count that that doesn't

necessarily, that's not necessarily correlated with your mental health. I'm talking about time you actually dedicate to being a more mentally healthy and happy and peaceful human being. And so for anyone out there who wants to increase the hours that they're spending on their own health, their emotional health, their psychological health, their confidence, and not just their love life, but your love for life, you can join with a free 14-day trial membership to our Love Life membership at askmh.com. Go to askmh.com, and you can sign up for free for 14 days. There's webinars with me where I answer specific questions. You do webinars every month live, Steve, in that webinar. Our dad, Steve Hussey does, for those of you that don't know, he's also one of

our coaches. So your access to the whole family on a far more intimate level to improve your life. Go to askmh.com to be a part of that. All right. Well, Steve, we've had a couple of nice reviews from people on iTunes. MG Butters says, smart, genuine, funny, and enjoyable to listen to. I've learned so much and absolutely love you guys. Thanks for great shows. Mass Yoga Girl says, you guys are so awesome. I love your advice and well thought out scenarios that we all encounter. There's always some nugget of wisdom that gives me something to ponder and it all informs whatever relationship I'm in.

Also love how the brothers, that's you and me, Stephen, communicate. I can feel the love. Don't ever stop. Well, thank you for those reviews. Keep leaving them because we do read them and we love them. So go to iTunes to leave us a review when you get the chance. Now, Steve, I had a question for you. How do you create chemistry in addition to connection? A lot of people who go on a first date, finish the date, think that it went well. We had great conversation. It all seemed to be going well. And then I never got the call after the date. What, in your opinion, are the things that you can say or do on a date to create chemistry so that you can actually secure a second date instead of just having a date where there was

great conversation and perhaps connection, but not the fire that makes it, that gives it the momentum to take it to that second or third date well it's well observed that there is a difference there and that's already astute to note that the connection is different to chemistry and some people are great talkers and they're great at opening up and being fun and just talking all night like hey like especially people who go to business networking and stuff they're like talk talk talk chat chat chat I've got loads of thoughts and ideas and opinions but thoughts and ideas and opinions are not what create sexual tension they're not what create a spark a frisson the little the little magic where you feel something

and I've had this i've had this where i've gone on dates with people and been like that was fun or i had a nice time but there was never a moment there was never a moment where i felt like oh like oh that's that's exciting or you know i'm really intrigued by her or I feel physically, you know, physical pull towards her now. And it is often, which it should be noted is not simply to do with chemistry isn't even to do with how good looking someone is someone you could be sitting opposite someone you think objectively is really good looking or really beautiful, but there's some, there's some, like if you see chemistry as electricity that joins the two of you, there's no electricity joining the two of you. There's just them objectively looking attractive. So what is it? What's that? What do you, what in your, I've got

a couple of things, Steve, to throw in the mix here. But what are the things that you think create that electricity so that it's not just two attractive people sitting opposite each other having nice conversation? I think one thing is there is an undeniable there's an element of risk involved in creating chemistry there's always an element of it doesn't take it doesn't take much to put yourself on the line to give an idea or an opinion a thought and oh i've got this goal and this is what i love but but maybe if you take a risk and notice something about them or you uh give a little you know like even if you said um you have really cute dimples when you smile even that is a risk it's a moment of risk or you you say um you know it's uh i don't know it sounds you sound really cute when you laugh like that or that shirt looks really good on you like even as small as that as just being like um like no i think that shirt looks great on you it's like you know shows your big shoulders like i like it that you do have big shoulders steve thank you matt so do you um so uh family i think i think

like a moment like that registers especially like in a guy's brain a lot of i think we've talked about this before but i think men as a whole are less used to getting like a physical compliment or something that just says oh i noticed that about you and i think it's attractive they're less used to getting that and i think I noticed that about you and I think it's attractive. They're less used to getting that. And I think men register that a lot and they remember it and they remember something you're attracted to about them. But that always takes a moment of, you know, you're like, oh, they noticed me. They are thinking in that way. It's not that you have to be thinking dirty thoughts, but they are thinking in that way they're thinking like this is a date that that's what we're here for we're not just like we're not just messing around being pals here we're thinking

oh i i'm actually into you i'm kind of kind of interested in you and so there's vulnerability there's intrigue there's you know a little bit of a little bit of risk. Those are the seeds that start creating chemistry beyond just we're connecting with either. Now, I want to add, I want to add a layer to that because here's, I actually, as you said, you know, notice something about someone, give a compliment. There are two things. There's something that came up for me. There was two scenarios that I imagined. One was a person who was saying that in a relaxed, calm, confident way. And the other was someone who really quickly said the compliment. Like if you imagine Steve, any chemistry coming from this scenario,

hey, how are you? Oh my God, you look so great in that shirt. How are you doing tonight? Yes, exactly. There's no chemistry. Now, Steve, there is a thing I have noticed over and over again, over the years that we've been doing this. And it doesn't get mentioned enough when flirting is talked about, because of course we're talking about flirting, right? As a way to create chemistry. That's really, if you want to say, how do you get, it's kind of, you could look at it like this. How do you get someone to call you for a second date? You have to create chemistry, right? That if you have connection with no chemistry, you may not get the call. In fact,

it's possibly even likely you won't get the call. If you have chemistry without connection, you'll still get the call. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Chemistry in the beginning can get you through a lot. Even by the way, chemistry has lots and lots of people going on dates and getting closer and closer and closer that shouldn't be, that are ultimately going to absolutely destroy each other's hearts. Right. But if you want to lack of connection, lack of connection, you'll suffer later on lack of chemistry, you'll suffer early on. Yes, exactly. That's exactly. That's a nice way of putting it. Yeah. You're you're yeah. Yeah. That's very nice. Very nice way of putting it. So if you want a second date, you have to create chemistry.

How do you create chemistry? You flirt. And then you get into, okay, what are all the ways that you can flirt? By the way, for anyone who wants to go deeper on flirting, we actually have a free chapter from our program, How to Talk to to men that you can go and download that is specifically on flirting. So if you want to kind of taste of the whole program, how to talk to men through via a chapter that literally gives you specific things to say and do to flirt, go to, um, get the free chapter.com that's completely free. You can just go and enjoy that. Here's what I've noticed, Stephen, that doesn't get talked about enough. Pace. Pace is huge.

If you look at the pace of flirting, it's not fast. Yeah. If you look at the pace of flirting, it's not fast. Yeah. If you take what is sexy and speed it up, it's no longer sexy. That's so true. If you imagine any sexy situation on fast forward, it's no longer sexy. It immediately loses its sex appeal. And actually, the more it speeds up, the more it goes to comical. So on a date, what I noticed universally in people who aren't good at flirting is that their speed is too high and their speed is too high because of something that's going on internally.

When you're trying to, if you imagine when you're trying to even forget flirting for a moment, if you're telling a story and you rush the story, the story can easily lose emphasis. But when you ask yourself, why am I rushing through this story right now at this dinner table? It's because you're afraid. It's because you're afraid that this story isn't going to land. You're afraid that people are going to think it's too boring. You're afraid that people aren't going to listen. You're afraid that you're going to look silly as you're telling it. And so what you do to compensate for all of that is you speed up. And by speeding up, you're kind of saying that the indirect message is, my story is not worth your time, so I'm just going to rush through it. The great irony,

of course, is that in rushing through a story, the story loses all of its effect anyway, because certain jokes, certain moments in a story need to breathe, need that pregnant pause before the punchline, need people to be able to imagine, need people to be able to invest. The more you rush through it, the more it doesn't even feel like a story anymore. It just feels like information you're throwing at somebody. That's the kind of a lesson for impact. But if you translate that to flirting, the same thing happens. There's a subtle message we're telling ourselves and then indirectly communicating to somebody else that I don't feel comfortable in myself or my own skin i don't feel sexy and so anything that could create tension i'm not gonna allow to breathe long enough to create tension because i don't believe in my ability to create tension yeah so i'm gonna rush through these moments it's a nervous energy yeah

and and you can literally you can think about it on dates you've been on you can think about it just hypothetically that any time someone is not creating chemistry and not good at flirting it's because there's a there's a hi how are you there's a you know uh oh you look really great tonight so what have you what have you been up to oh that's so cool even even when they answer your question even when they're reacting to what you're saying, it's very quick. You know, before you've even finished a sentence, that person is jumping in. Oh my God, that's so cool. Have you ever been telling, have you ever been saying something where you're excited about letting it breathe and you're telling a story and halfway through

a sentence, someone says, that's so cool. Oh, nice. Oh, cool. So, And you're telling a story and halfway through a sentence, someone says, that's so cool. Oh, nice. Oh, cool. So, and you're like, wait, I didn't even, I didn't even, I'm not even there yet. Like I haven't even got through this sentence yet. And they're already eager to keep, because there's a, there's a pace that they're trying to go at that's driven by their uncomfortableness with the situations, their discomfort in the situation, their insecurity, their awkwardness, their lack of belief in their ability to be sexy. Reverse that now and look at every situation that tension, real sexual tension occurs. There is a pace. There is a slower, more, it's heightened.

It's someone, it can be, you know, sometimes we get preoccupied with what you say to create tension and chemistry, but actually it's more about just observing someone. You know, when you're telling a story and you can see that someone's half listening to your story, but they're half observing you. They're half just looking at you. We've all had that look from someone where you feel turned on by the fact that it's quite clear from someone's eyes that they are both listening to you and not listening. And the not listening part in any other context would be insulting. But in this context, it's not because you know, they're observing you from a place of admiring how hot they think you are in this moment. Yeah. Yeah. They can see you talk, especially they can see you talking about something passionately and that's a great time to do it by the way when someone's talking about

something passionately or saying something insightful watching them and listening them but watching just a little harder for a few seconds than you're listening and letting them feel that you're watching them and then it's sometimes that moment where they finish speaking and you laugh a little bit to yourself and look away. You know, it's that moment where you're communicating something you just did. Did something to me. Yeah. And, and when you give someone a compliment, it's not throwing it away in that way where it's like, it's sometimes, sometimes you throw away compliments. Don't get me wrong. Right. It's, it's, you know, it's kind of like Jameson, Jameson walk in and I, I might be like,

dude, you look great today. And like, give him a hug and be like oh you know i love like that that shirt looks great man and i might throw it away but if you're trying to create chemistry then you want to almost show that you've been impacted a little bit by something i'm not just observing something about you but it's actually had some kind of an impact on me it's kind of it's more like a wow you look you look great yeah someone feels like oh i did i don't just look great it's had an effect on them yeah it'd be even if you've been like working out even if you're working out and someone like touched your chest and was like, like, Oh wow. Like that feels good. You know, even if it's like mildly playful, but mildly there's something it's like, Oh no, they actually like that more than just like, Oh nice.

You look strong. Yeah, exactly. That, that delivery of, Oh nice. You look strong is exactly the antithesis of creating chemistry. Right. Yeah. I can't believe you've been withholding the shirt chemistry compliment for so long, Matthew. I did. I acknowledged your car on the way in. I said, your car looks great out there.

Straight to the toys. But you really threw it away. I did throw it away. I did throw it away i did throw it away and i i but i compliment you quite a lot but that usually that's because you and i'd show up to the day wearing the same thing so i'm sort of complimenting myself in the process can i just say that whenever we're wearing the same thing it looks really good on you oh thanks man it means a lot well boys um i i'm feeling like third well i i will say if i it when you think of dates that went well first dates there are often bits beyond the obvious where it might have been literally a moment of five second silence and you knew you were both just looking at each other's eyes and you smiled together.

And that's in that moment, you know, we're both flirting with we're feeling something more than just chatting here. But it has to be slow enough to catch. And I've I've been on dates in my past where I've gotten off the date and thought that was really nice conversation, but I honestly have no idea if this person even likes me. And I don't mean likes me. I'm like, no, I'm not finishing the date thinking. I don't know if they think I'm a nice guy. I'm finishing the date thinking, I don't know if this person found me attractive and beyond that, whether this person found me hot, because there's a difference. Yeah. Right. Hot implies desire. Attractive implies admiration or appreciation. So I finished dates going, I don't know if this person finds me hot.

And, and that obviously is the part that kind of, you know, you, it's a key ingredient in deciding whether to continue or not. And the crazy part is some of the dates where I have felt most like there was zero chemistry and I didn't feel in any way like this person had any desire for me. And I'm not talking about, you know, someone being really overtly sexual. I'm literally just talking about feeling and energy from someone like we've been talking about. And then the next day that person texts and says, Hey, I'd love to see you again. And I'm like, what? Yeah. How is that possible? I did not get that from the day at all, but that's just shows a major disconnect between what someone what's going on in someone's mind and what they're conveying. And it's a lesson to all of us. What's going on in my mind versus what I'm actually conveying to this other person, because the result I'm going to get is going to be Steve, because I raced through that. And I think that's a very important thing to say.

The result that we get is going to be based on what we're conveying, not what's in our mind. And by the way, that's true when I'm on stage, public speaking, that's true on a date. It's true in a friendship. It's true in a family relationship. It's true everywhere a friendship. It's true in a family relationship. It's true everywhere in our lives. You know, for a moment, divorce yourself from what you're thinking. Ask yourself what you're actually conveying. Okay, Steve, last thing. We've got two minutes. I just want your answer to this question before we go because it's relevant. Do you think that chemistry can grow over time if it's not

there at first? Can you take it into your own hands to try to make it happen? Or are you stuck with the chemistry you have in the early stages? You know, it might have been our friend Guy Winch who said this. I think he, I'm paraphrasing, he said something like, you know, the flame of a relationship takes work to keep burning at the best of times. But so you really at the beginning need those embers to be firing because you need something that's giving it the fuel that's going to make it continue. So I will say I have heard of people literally being friends for a year and I've heard women say, I didn't think of him in that way. And we spent a lot of time together and I saw him differently. I really fell for him. Something changed. So that transition, something can grow that wasn't there initially. Something can change. Something there that wasn't there initially it can something can change something there that wasn't there before beauty and the beast right but i don't know that might be because steve from

beauty and the beast i know i know my disney um just i just wanted people to know that wasn't just a random there's a song that uses exactly that line steve and there's something there that wasn't there before and i suppose how could it have been there before? Look at the man. And Disney, you will get your royalties. Don't worry about that. They will not get any royalties. They will not.

Yeah, so things can change, but I don't think you start a relationship. That might be a friendship that develops in something else, but I don't think you start a relationship and hope or talking about gambling you don't gamble on maybe i'll feel more sexually attracted to this person in six months and and i'll change my view i think that's that's just like a gamble that's just like a gamble that's not worth taking because you might never change like who's to say you would ever feel sexually attracted could have worked as a story the other way around because she essentially had to fall in love with him while he was still the beast right and even then she

fell in love with him because there was different something else came out that she didn't see it beside of him yeah yeah right but i'm saying do you think that people would accept the story if she was the beast and he was having to fall in love with her before she turned into a beautiful princess oh you're opening can of worms there um but but but it's interesting i wonder if there's been a story like that. Shrek, but they were both beasts. I was going to say Shrek, but the point was he liked her as an ogre.

Yeah, he was an ogre. He was an ogre too. We need a version of Shrek where Prince Charming falls for the ogre. Yeah, it's begging to be written. But that's the point, isn't it? Would people accept that story? And would they not accept that story? Because culturally, people have this understanding that men are just inherently more shallow than women.

That's a good place. I feel like we should get some comments on that. Because that's, you know, we can talk about that another time. But do we think that it just is true that men are more shallow than women and that the beauty and the beast story would never have worked if beauty was the beast? I feel like there must have been one. Shallow Hal doesn't work, but he did accept her in the end for who she really was. But at the beginning, he fell for her when she...

You're saying same thing, why? No, no, it's the same. Shallow Hal is the same thing as Shrek. Oh, because they're both not... So, yeah, I guess you just pinpointed some gender problem in society it's interesting hey it's interesting hey steve we started the conversation but wait how does that relate to you and the friends thing and uh the other thing that's just a separate point me and the friends thing to chemistry developing over time and do you do you think because you cited an example of women who can develop chemistry

with someone over time the more they get to know them right i think that can i think you're in the beast story i i'm saying does it happen the other way around i think that i think it can happen the other way around i'm not saying the woman looks like an ogre but i'm saying i think that does happen the other way around where someone a guy sees something in a in a woman he didn't initially uh feel that way about but but do you think chemistry is essential at the beginning do you think it's just like i think that there are stages i think there are stages before which you can't necessarily know if they're if there's no potential for chemistry so for example before sleeping together sometimes sleeping together does actually give you a different a different idea of the chemistry

yeah yeah between you because you can look at someone and they not be physically be your type but then by and it doesn't even have to be sleeping together it could be kissing or whatever but sometimes you have physical contact with someone and there's something about their like their pressure their their taste the sensation the the it's like the smell there's something about there's this cocktail of things that is very hard to break down specifically, but is there and we feel it, that means we wouldn't have picked them off of an app. We may not have even realized it on the date, but there is something there. And so I think that sometimes when we write people off as we don't have any chemistry with them, it's actually too soon to know. I think if you've been through multiple stages with people and you don't feel anything, you've even had some physical connection or lack of connection.

You know, you've had contact that and there's nothing. Then I think you start to really build a picture of this isn't you know that it might be futile to keep doing this yeah so what what you're talking about there i would define as having chemistry it's just that you are totally right you have to at least allow to get to that stage to see you can't tell from a picture if you have chemistry you can't tell from one conversation but you know sometimes you can't even tell from a friendship dynamic with someone. You can have been someone's friend for a long time, but you, neither of you ever brought that other side of yourselves to the, to the situation. So it's hard to know if there's

chemistry because you've never seen that side of each other. It's when you show that side of yourself and they show that side of themselves, if there's still nothing, then I think it starts to become more futile. Right, Steve, we got to go because guess what? I'm on the Girls Got To Eat podcast next. Well, this guy's got to eat, so I'm going to get out of here as well. Well, go enjoy that. I'm going to go and do this other podcast. Thank you so much, Stephen, as always. Thank you to all of you listening. Leave us a review on iTunes. And if you haven't joined the 30-day challenge yet to build your confidence, go to mhchallenge.com, sign up for free and begin the process of 30 days to improving your confidence.

We'll see you there. And of course, in the next episode of Love Life. See you later i see the blog sites got a new wife shorty got a new book yeah love beautiful