Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 133: What If He Changes For Someone Else?

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

It's one thing to leave the wrong person, but some people worry: "What if he becomes the RIGHT person for someone else? What if he changes and fixes his flaws and I missed out on the "better" version of him? Matt and Steve talk about where this fear comes from and why it can be so dangerous to live worrying about someone's future potential. --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- If you haven't locked in your place for the next Virtual Retreat this September 24-26, then now is the time.   Claiming your place this month will enter you into an exclusive drawing for the chance to receive one of three free tickets to the Virtual Retreat OR the grand prize of an exclusive 1:1 coaching session with me!   Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com to secure your spot.

Well, we're back with another Love Life podcast. I don't know what episode this is. Steve, do you have any idea what episode it is? Is it episode 357? Sure. We don't number our episodes, okay? We just give them nifty titles. iTunes makes you number your episodes.

Well, it doesn't actually. I just realized it doesn't. I'm looking now. Most people's podcasts I see, it's like, you know, episode 187. They must get a sort of feeling of satisfaction knowing that they've done that many. I find it a bit intimidating seeing they've got 500 episodes. I think, well, I've missed all those. I don't want to see the numbers. I think I'll never catch up. I'll never watch all those Joe Rogan ones now. There's a couple of, there's a review I want to read out, Steve.

In fact, I just want, I'm not reading out any one in particular, just a couple of the most recent. Maybe we'll do one now and one at the end. But there's someone who says, first of all, this is from D, this is from Lisa. She says, first of all, I feel as though I'm sitting in a room hanging out with two buddies. I listen for not only the perspective on life that you provide, but for the laugh out loud exchange between two brothers. Listening to you both smirk, laugh and engage in banter is quite endearing and entertaining. I've followed you for over 10 years and went to an in-person retreat in 2019. How lovely. Literally, you've been instrumental in changing the course of my life. So of course I had to check out the podcast and I'm so glad that I did. I enjoy the heck out of them. You give life advice through humor, empathy, and kindness. Thanks for this podcast and allowing us to laugh and be part of the conversation. Thanks also for consistently being authentic. Appreciate you both.

Thank you, Lisa. That's about the loveliest review I could ever hope for. That is lovely. Thank you so much. Matt, should I read one of our lovely emails? Please. So we've got one from Catherine here. On one of our recent episodes, Matt,

you asked people to share their epiphany they had from the episode, and we had a lot of them. So thank you so much for everyone. I've got back to a bunch of your emails. There were a lot, though, because Matt said it on YouTube. So we had all the YouTube people emailing as well. So, yeah, Catherine says, Hey, Matthew and Stephenven i just watched your video

on how knowing when to leave a relationship and it struck a chord with me so much i had to email at 7 38 a.m when i should be getting ready for work i've been with my boyfriend for over a year and he's always been shy of commitment scared to be official then we get official and he doesn't say i love you because he's not sure and all all the while I'm waiting, holding back because I'm waiting for it to change. I brought it up many times and even said he needs to start therapy for me to continue the relationship. He has grief from losing a parent,

which he never addressed, but he says yes and then never attempts to even Google a forum or anything. Like Stephen said, I'm doing all the work. He's great when I'm upset and really supportive and obviously cares, but I'm realizing that's basic stuff now. It really hit me as soon as I saw the title and you said most people stay longer than they should. But when you relationship or my life clinging on to the hope of what it could be if he changes. Thank you for always providing such helpful and supportive videos. You got me through a breakup back in 2018 and you still continue to give me the talking to I need to build me up and support me.

Take care, Kat. Kat, thank you so much. I'd love to hear how that conversation went email us again and let us know how the conversation went when you had it did anything change this time was there anything different about the way you had the conversation this time did you listen differently this time have you done anything different as a result i'd be curious to know and isn't it funny steve that that idea that you know that there's things she's appreciating about him are should she's recognizing should just be par for the course the things that she's like oh he he cares or he this or he that well i can't remember what exactly she said were his great

qualities but she's come to realize those are just yeah that's that's you know someone we know steve said this to us once she was like i told my mom oh he he he's really nice to me and her mom was like yeah that's how it's supposed to be this isn't this isn't stuff that's an indicator of you know someone who's exceptional this is just stuff that someone shouldn't even get through the door unless they're these things but sometimes we hang around for these qualities as if no one else will have them when they're just the basic stuff of decent people who come to a relationship yeah absolutely um yeah people figure out they take something as luxury when they're not used to it. And then they realize, oh yeah, if I'm going to be with this

person for the rest of my life, I should probably have this. Yeah, exactly. We got a good one from Emily as well, who said, hi, Matthew and Steven. I just want to drop a line to say thank you for the mature way you approach your discussion of jordan peterson's divisive comments suggesting you can never completely grow up until you have children i really appreciate the way you put forward your opinions and alternative viewpoints without labeling peterson negatively or choosing a side of the debate i wish more public figures could tackle controversial issues with such empathy and lack of judgment. It was very refreshing. All the best, Emily. Oh, I love that. I love that comment. Thank you. Thank you for the email on that one.

I love that comment. And Matt, we've got one more, which leads me to a question I want to ask you, because this is an interesting follow up. Because that that video about when to quit a relationship got a lot of love and traction on YouTube. And a lot of people have been talking about it and saying how much it affected them. So we had another email from Sue. She talks about a guy she's been with who belittles her. She's sensitive about her height. And he makes these comments

where she feels belittled and condescended to. He also talks about other women in a way that's inappropriate. And she mentions at the end of her email how she feels frustrated that someone else is going to have him and without the BS. And it drives me crazy. So she's trying to let go of this guy. But some people have said, well, I feel annoyed because what if I let go of this guy but she some people have said well i feel annoyed because what if i let go of this person and they change for someone else they're gonna be a better person for someone else and if they just didn't have these couple of annoying traits or traits i'm embarrassed about

or don't like then it would be great and maybe they're going to be that great person for their next partner. Well, that's an enormous, enormous assumption. Because you're saying that that person will have completely evolved into a new human being, a much more enlightened version of themselves by the time they reach the next relationship. And what signal did you get from him that that's true, given that he did all these things? What evidence did he give you for the fact that he's becoming more enlightened? Now, if what you're saying is he's going to find someone he is more afraid of upsetting, or he's going to find someone that I don't know he's more deeply attracted to and is going to behave around them as a result then really what you're saying is this is someone who's well behaved only if they're afraid or if they're around someone that they deem to be of a certain status.

Character is consistent. I don't want to be friends with the person who's really nice to me, but nasty to the next person that they can get less from, or that they decide for whatever reason is not as important or as valuable as me. I don't want that person as a friend. I don't want that person as a business contact. I don't want that person in my life. I can't trust that person because what happens when I'm not as valuable to them? What happens when they're bored of me? What happens when they feel like they've extracted the value that they want from me? Then that person is all of a sudden going to default to their actual true behavior, their true selves. If the only reason he's on his great behavior in his next

relationship is because he's with someone that he decides he really doesn't want to lose, then that's a tremendous shame for her because she's not learning who he really is. You should be pitying the next woman, not envying the next woman. Because if he suddenly goes into the next relationship a better person, it's probably because he wants something, not because he's become a different person. Because you have no evidence for the fact that this man has become so enlightened and now someone's getting the best of him as a result. The best of him, if someone sees it next time, will likely just be a manipulation. And it will be a shame for that

person that they're not seeing who he really is because all they're seeing is the side of him he's presenting in order to get what he wants. Which by the way, there's a good chance he did with you in the beginning. If you remember back, there's a good chance that some of those things you saw that some of the more positive sides of him, you saw in the beginning when he was trying to get something. The rest was what you saw when he was being who he really is. That's someone you want back.

That's someone you envy someone else getting. That's not logic talking. That's your own insecurity talking. That's your, the self-loathing, the masochism talking. That saying, I'm so awful that I just brought out the worst in this person. But when he meets someone who's not awful, they're all of a sudden going to get a wonderful person. And that's just untrue. You can not be right for someone. That doesn't mean that they treat you in a terrible way or in a disrespectful way. It means they leave because you're not right. But your insecurity is telling you that somewhere along the way, you either deserve that behavior or, you know, he was like that around you because you

weren't good enough. And now you're envious of the next woman you think will be good enough, who's going to get great behavior. I don't care how great she is. She's still stuck with someone who behaves in that way. It's just a matter of time before she finds out. You think there's a kind of, there's like a projected imaginary envy. It's like an imaginary envy of something that hasn't even occurred. You are imagining that he's suddenly going to be an angel with the next person. And there's some deep dark part of us that thinks that the reason he's going to be an angel with the next person is because we weren't good enough. But that's the lie. He might like the next person more. That's possible. He might be more

attracted. There might be any number of things that he decides he wants in that next person when he sees them as all shiny and new and exciting and hot. That may be true. Doesn't make him an angel. It doesn't mean you weren't good enough. It means you had someone in front of you who treated you poorly and disrespectfully, which is about them, not you. And you overvalued them in spite of all that and are still overvaluing them now. And like you said, Steve, you're overvaluing, you're valuing some imaginary version of them is a complete hypothetical situation where you're imagining him and this other imaginary person being wonderful in this wonderful, glowing, beautiful relationship full of kindness and empathy and compassion and sensitivity i my god there'd be one hell of a transformation if that's the man you described yeah yeah it's so much it makes me think how much looking at some of these replies you know talking about you know we talk about your why this is one thing

we've talked about on the retreat we talk a big part of the retreat we talk about your why. This is one thing we've talked about on the retreat. We talk a big part of the retreat. We talk about your why. And so much of when people's why is just fear, it always leads to thinking small. It always leads to these protective decisions that lead to us like, I'm fear being alone i can't break up because what if i don't find anyone else what if i break up and he turns out to have been the perfect man and i was an idiot and there's so much of like putting yourself in check with i'm scared of this

i'm scared of this and and your result becomes inertia it just becomes just close up stay the same i could make a bad move here so i'll do nothing i'll just sit in this situation and i just i mean i feel like the flip is when you start leading and there's not like a non-corny way to say this but it's almost like yeah your decisions have to be about like what's the what's the loving move next like what's the move that shows the most faith in myself um the most self-love the most belief in my ability to you know get what i need ultimately but i feel like that's just something we easily forget because we make the the you know god to us is the keeping of this relationship that becomes the god that we worship that becomes the outcome

that we that we live to to create is that we keep this person that we love we keep this person that we think highly of and we'll do anything keep that person and now in the meantime we run roughshod over all of our standards and all of the things that that are important to us and our own needs the kind of relationship we actually want to be in. All of these things become secondary to keeping someone. And it's, look, Steve, this is not an easy switch to make because we have to, it actually requires some faith. It requires some faith that if I. Make my outcome the standard. That I would like to have for the relationship.

Instead of. Having the outcome be keep this person at any cost. Then. The standard is is what I'm using to define my success. And it not only makes you more attractive, you have to have faith that actually living by that standard of what a truly beautiful relationship is to you is going to be more attractive, is going to make you stand out more. And that a relationship that can't be a beautiful relationship by your standards isn't worth keeping. You have to have faith that it's actually better to let go of something that, that cannot, cannot coexist with your vision of a beautiful relationship. You have to have a, you have to have faith that if you lose that thing, it's better. Because it won't make you happy.

Keeping someone who's making you unhappy can't make you happy. And that's the illusion. The illusion is, this person's not making me happy, but I really love them. And if I can just keep them, I'll be happy. And it doesn't work like that because it's not working like that right now. You're already unhappy. You already feel bad. Your confidence is eroded.

Your anxiety is, you know, in fifth gear. Your feelings of being mad at yourself or not respecting yourself because you don't actually voice your needs are going through the roof. Keeping someone who's making you unhappy can't make you happy just because you keep them. And so the new God in your life has to be your standard. And I don't mean your standard in terms of what I will and won't put up with. You know, I mean your standard for love. Your standard for beauty. Your standard for a kind and lovely relationship

of teamwork and communication, that has to be the new outcome that we work towards and live to. And that's the thing that ultimately is going to A, give us the best possible shot at creating the relationship we want with a person, or B, allow us to let go, because we're honest with ourselves that this thing really isn't making us happy. Matt, speaking of building faith in yourself, there is something very special we have next week that is perhaps, very possibly, very probably the absolute best way to start doing that. What is it called, sir? It's called the virtual retreat, Stephen. Dear Stephen, the virtual retreat for anyone who doesn't know is going on next weekend

from the 24th to the 26th of September. Or you might be listening to this late and it's already happened, in which case, sad. But if you are listening to this in time, there's still time. Registration closes on September the 19th. So join us on the virtual retreat by going to mhvirtualretreat.com to go sign up to our three-day life transformation event. I cannot stress this enough, guys. Our stuff does not work itself out. Time does not heal all action can heal all if we actually put energy and attention to our demons our insecurities the things holding us back in life our lack of decision our inability to take action on certain things that would make a huge difference if we did these things don't just change on their own we have to to actually apply energy there. Some people,

most people go to their graves with all of the same hang-ups, all of the same insecurities, all of the same obstacles in their life. And if we want to live more peaceful, more happy lives, we've got to get in there and do the work. And that's what this program is about. So go to mhvirtualretreat.com to book an appointment with one of my team to talk do the work. And that's what this program is about. So go to mhvirtualretreat.com to book an appointment with one of my team to talk about the program. And by the way, for anyone who wants to be an ongoing member of our Love Life Club, this is the place where I answer questions. Stephen and I coach people live. We bring people on video. We have an audience who sits there and watches us coach people.

You can send in your questions. And it doesn't have to be about dating. It can be about your life in general. But if you want to be a part of this Love Life Club, go to askmh.com. If you go there, you have a chance to ask your question. And that could be answered on one of the upcoming webinars. You'll also get a chance to join us for a 14 day free trial to the Love Life membership. That's all for now. Stephen, thank you so much for another episode of Love Life. Thank you matthewhussy.com if you want to get in touch with the show and we will do our best to read as many out as we can get back to some you know

build this little community we've got here uh but i really appreciate all the lovely comments we get in the emails really really means a lot and we do read all of them matthew boy i'm gonna go and probably watch some more movie trailers now maybe an actual movie itself you know and come and talk about it on here because that's what you do in 2021 what are you doing 2021 wait are we not still in lockdown because i thought are we actually allowed out of house now because i've been i haven't left you right exactly i think it's time you left the house oh god we can leave ghosty, Steve. Run, Steven.

I better tell the mail. I better get that mail. Thank you, everyone. We'll see you real soon. Bye-bye. I'm looking for love.