Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 14: Answering YOUR Questions About Dating In Coronavirus

Episode Date: April 4, 2020

Time for a coronavirus Q&A! Today we're doing something a little different.  We promised we'd read out some listener emails, so it's time to dive into the mailbox and hear about YOUR experiences dating in the time of corona!  Topics include: being alone during a break up, how to love being single, and moving love forward when you can't leave the house.  Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey Follow Matthew @thematthewhussey Download the FREE video training at GetCoreConfidence.com  

Hey there listeners, welcome back to the Love Life Podcast with Matthew Hussey, except we have no Matthew Hussey today. It is only going to be me, Stephen Hussey, because I want to do something I promised on this podcast earlier this week, and that is reading out some of your emails. So earlier in the week we talked about obviously what everyone is talking about, the coronavirus situation and the lockdowns and quarantines and how people are dealing with it and how it's changing dating and I got some amazing emails from you guys so I want to just read a few of them to you and share my thoughts on them. I think it'll be fun to do and bring you all into this lovely podcast community we have. So first email is from Jeanette. Jeanette says, hi Matthew. Well, slash Stephen, I guess I'm here. So I'm going to take

it as hi Stephen. I was just having a conversation with a girlfriend about the exact thing you mentioned in your podcast. How dating right now is actually quite sweet and romantic because we are forced to slow down and only get to know one another. I am truly appreciating it. I've switched over from expecting convos to move forward to a date and expecting them to move toward a FaceTime chat. That's awesome. Adapting the rules. I love it, Jeanette. She says, and the same rules apply. If texts go on indefinitely without talk of a meeting, now via FaceTime, I know they're not serious. It's actually a great way to weed out the powerful thinkers, the ones unfettered and able to keep things moving despite challenging times, which is

myself and so I want the same. Winky face. An additional perk with FaceTime meets is that you can hang up and end the date much sooner than you would in person. Last night I chatted with someone for 20 minutes before I said goodbye because I'd been shooting myself in the head for the past 10 minutes already. In real life I would have still waited and this isn't even mentioning the getting ready and commuting time. This is a huge time saver in the dating game. I love that as well. She finally says, matchmakers and apps having quickly pivoted by doing virtual speed dating and I can't wait to get into some of those next. For now, I'm completely at ease in this new dating climate and believe it could be incredible to emerge from this with an

amazing connection with someone to be consummated once we're all free and clear. Thanks for the great podcast. I believe it shifted some perspectives. That's so cool, Jeanette. The fact that you're already adapting this quickly, I'm sure that puts you leagues ahead of a lot of other people. I mean, a lot of us are just sort of, our head is still spinning and we're trying to figure out what we're doing, but I love the idea that you've made a plan, you're moving forward and even holding up your standards in this environment as well, where it would be very easy to just drop your standards right and take whatever anyone is giving you but the fact that if it's not moving

forward you you know you're not getting to actually chatting seeing them at their face on video having a face time uh yeah i mean you can end up in the exact same loops you could end up dating in the quote real world where you just end up texting back and forth and never going anywhere. So I love it that you see you can actually build a proper connection in this time. And there's going to be some point right when we're going to be back out there again. So this is all really, really good training. And I stand by my statement previously that we are going to get some great love stories come out of this coronavirus situation. OK, another one. Pilar says, hey, they're so cool that we get to contribute to these reflections.

I don't usually do this. I'm more the kind of person who reads, listens, writes and process. But it's pandemic season, so why not? She says, to be perfectly honest with you, this situation hasn't hugely disrupted my life. I was in hibernation mode since the beginning of the year, more or less, deep in self-reflection, trying to get a better hold of my behaviour and responses, particularly regarding my relationships, and I had already decided to be okay with being by myself alone. The pandemic just granted me the perfect setup to go full throttle about it. I already live in a country that's known not to be the most social, Switzerland, so again some changes but nothing extreme.

Funnily enough I find myself very comfortable with the stability that this situation has brought me. I use quotation marks she says because of course there is nothing stable about it. Dating apps are sleeping right now on my phone and I don't feel the need to be proactive in this area. I have no energy to spare for it. Why? Well I had a huge realization a few months ago that made me take a good look at my life and how I was deciding to pass my time. I was chasing this dream, this ideal relationship like it was the ultimate goal. That being in a couple was better than being alone, always. Now I see how wrong I was about that but it was so deeply rooted in me that turning off that anxiety has been a daily exercise ever since and I'm still

working on it but it's getting easier and easier every day and somehow this global slowing down has helped me a lot come to terms with it. What has been most surprising to me is to hear more people in relationships and with families that are struggling, that fight, that are sad or stressed but these are all people I thought were happy, married or with partners they love, and yet they are miserable at times. I would have thought that having company would have helped most of them while being at home, but it doesn't seem to be the case for all. As an observant, I am amazed. I sympathize, but I'm still amazed. In short, during this single period of my life,

I am seeing my glass not half full, but fully full. I love that. Not seeing the glass half full, but fully full. That's a great phrase, Pilar. She says, I'm enjoying my work. I'm reading, doing yoga, going on walks, which we can still do, thankfully, playing with my cat, watching movies, and it's good. I don't know if it's the same for more people. I certainly don't hear anybody saying they are doing okay right now. My friends and my family keep asking how I am and I keep saying the same because it's true. I am okay. And I feel very humbly lucky about it because I can see that it's rare. I am finally reaching a state of peace with myself, which just happened to be in the middle of a pandemic.

It's how things are turning out for me. I wish more people were okay as well. So thank you and your team for allowing platforms to read, reflect and share. Keep up the nice work and stay healthy. Pilar, thank you. That is such a thoughtful, fascinating email. And I thank you for taking the time to write in because it's so great to hear that someone, I think being single right now can be a magnified experience where the current situation can really hold up a light to people thinking,

wow, I'm in my flat or my apartment and I don't have anyone and other people seem to be isolating with their boyfriends and girlfriends or husbands and wives and what does that mean for me and it's easy for that to become this you know self-chastising spiral as if you your job was to get a relationship before a global pandemic hit just in case and you know I I'm a big believer that being single can be unbelievably fulfilling, nourishing, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally.

You can have amazing people around you. You can have an amazing dating life and you're still single and you don't want a relationship, but you're enjoying just being out there, meeting people, having experiences. I completely agree with you where I defy the societal narrative that says you must always be moving from single into a relationship I think that's very very poisonous and you know we know relationships can be amazing and finding a partner you love can be wonderful and life-affirming but I don't I completely disagree with this idea that one state is inherently better than the other, and you must always be moving towards a relationship.

I think that causes people to make many bad choices. And like you said, there are people in those relationships now stuck at home together and realizing they ain't loving it so much. So it doesn't mean you're going to be happy because you have a partner in this situation. And I love that you're going to be happy because you have a partner in this situation. And I love that you're managing, you know, we know there are many people who have it hard and it can be difficult and we don't know how long we're going to be doing this isolate, you know, social lockdown for, but you know, the fact that you're getting through it and you're fulfilling yourself and you're okay,

I'm really happy to hear it. So thank you. Okay, final one. Let's go to an email from Daniela. Daniela says, Dear Matthew and Stephen, you included my name, Daniela, which I already like. So you're in my good books there. She says,

I was listening to your podcast episode, Love in Time of Corona, and I thought I'd tell you my story. I was seeing someone for a few weeks and everything was going absolutely great. To make the long story short the lockdown situation started and that's exactly the day when he decided to tell me over video call that he doesn't see this becoming a relationship and he is too scared of relationships and he never had one. Great. But here I am in my rented room in london sharing a flat so with little physical space to myself apart from my rented room having to stay indoors and

having to deal with this breakup yeah that sucks daniella i'm sorry to hear that she says i and normally i would do things to help myself get over this like spending time with friends keeping busy with work I'm a freelancer so I have most of my work at home I'm guessing you mean she says being out and about and trying to be my best health while healing from this but now I'm trapped between four walls with no work and all of this time to think and think and think about this guy and go over everything again and again and again I have no idea how to best handle this situation as the circumstances seem so against me. How do I turn all of these minuses in a little bit of positive to get me through this without any additional unnecessary hurt? Thank you for all you do.

Yeah, my heart goes out to you on this,iela because this you know there's no beating around the bush this is a horrible time to feel that pain that withdrawal of affection of company of having someone there and someone you were excited about you know you said you're seeing them a few weeks and you're you're feeling great about it um you know the fortunate thing is that you know you said you're seeing them a few weeks and you're you're feeling great about it um you know the fortunate thing is that you know this isn't a at least it's in like a five-year relationship where suddenly someone broke up with you at this moment um so this one won't take you as long to get over but nevertheless i know what it's like when you started to get really into someone and started to build the idea of them in your head and you guys together.

It's a real blow when that person rejects us. And in this moment, you have to do things to be extra, extra kind and good to yourself. You need to go for kindness to yourself, things that actually take care of you instead of things that are destructive. Don't follow what I call the hangover model of breakups where you indulge and you can give yourself your night or two indulgence, like have your pizza or can you even get pizza now? I don't know. But have your junk food, sit in front of the couch, like be lazy, you can be a slob, you can feel shitty about yourself,

you can watch whatever TV you wanna watch. But you have to find a point where you're gonna decide to start making choices that build you back up again. So don't prod the wound. Don't spend all your day thinking about getting in touch with him and looking at photos and trying to analyze it with your friends. You can have your period of that, but you have to spend your day on other things that nourish you as well.

Anything that takes you out of that, anything that takes you into growth, into learning, into where your curiosity lies, those things are going to start to edge you out of that anything that takes you into growth into learning into where your curiosity lies those things are going to start to edge you out of this scenario make you see there's other perspective there's other things there's other worlds to dive into i think it's really important because when you feel that moment of heartbreak it feels like your world shrinks and your world shrinks into this situation and that's all you can see. It's like every direction you look, it's just, you're in this pit of, you know, everything's dark and, oh no, this person's rejects me. What does it say about me? You're thinking about them all the time. You can't eat, whatever, you can't sleep. But when you start diverting your mind to other problems

to work on, other things, other growth activities, even if it's writing right now, whatever it is, you say you're a freelancer, okay, you can take on some responsibility, you can, you know, start looking at clients you could get right now or pitch clients right now, you know, you can spend time with your friends, you can actually have hangouts, you can find little, you know, download that house party app everyone's using and have a chat with your friends on there and do something where you all just watch a movie like even just having that little bubble around you right now of other people that you just kind of feed into your life it will just remind you oh there's more out there it's not just me alone in

my flat the world closing in you're gonna see oh there's there's life going on beyond this um so it's really really important and you look for friends who support you as well don't look for ones who just let you revel indulge in it look for friends who bring you back to fun who will take you somewhere positive and friends who are not even related to this situation are great to reach out to at this time because they have another perspective as well and they're not attached to the person or the situation or you so you can usually just get a much more objective perspective from them so try those things um take it day by day don't rush

yourself don't don't beat yourself up for feeling bad uh allow for it but also allow that you're just going to get just one percent better each day you're just going to take care of yourself a little bit more each day you're going to make choices that are healthy for you whether it's food nutritious things good things for your brain positive films music whatever it is you need just to tap into another state and creation as well if you if you create you're going to also open up new parts of your brain as a way to turn a negative force into something constructive these are all ways you'll start to build up your confidence again and look even if you have to get on the dating apps right now like you know just even just to

have some conversations you don't have to lead anywhere. But maybe you just remind yourself there's other people you can talk to, you can flirt with. There's connections you can make. So, you know, just even lightly, you know, you have your moment. And then just allow yourself to just gently get the ball rolling again. And it'll get worse at first. And then each day it'll start to get better and better. And your confidence will rise because you're doing good things for yourself.

And you'll start to feel great in yourself. And that's when you'll be like, hey, maybe I don't need someone who doesn't want a relationship with me. Or who's too scared for a relationship. Maybe that's not good enough for what I'm looking for right now. I need need to raise my game I need to look for someone who's certain of what they want that's when you'll make a great choice for the next person okay that went on a little longer than expected but I've really really enjoyed reading your emails and I promised to read some out so I wanted to honor that and so thank you thank you for reaching out and keep sending in your emails to podcast at matthewhussy.com on whatever you want things you want us to talk about in the show questions your coronavirus experiences whatever's

going on uh I'd love to hear from you and that is it I'm here still with my family. We are all isolating together without Matt because he's in LA, of course. But we will be back very soon. And hopefully I'll get Matt on here for one soon for a live conversation. So we'll try and make that happen very soon. All right. Go have a wonderful weekend. Take care of yourself. Stay healthy.

Wash your hands. all that good stuff. I'll see you soon.