Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 141: BIGGEST Red Flags and Our Relationship Deal-Breakers

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

It's RED FLAG season! The dating world is crazy for red flags, so we decided to sit down and talk through some of the internet's favourite red flag memes and see which ones we agree vs. disagree with! Also, we talk about our biggest AMBER FLAGS - behaviours that make you cautious even if they aren't deal-breakers... --- Join us on our virtual retreat on March 18th-20th! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... (EARLY BIRD SPECIAL OFFER - book your spot before November 30th and get over 30% off the full price! Claim your ticket here) --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey  

What's up everybody, it's Matthew. I'm so excited for you to hear this episode. Steve and I had a ton of fun in this one. We talk all about red flags, which I know is a huge topic for so many of you and is going to avoid so much wasted time and heartbreak for so many people out there dating right now. Really excited for you to listen to this and stay tuned until the very end because we finish on some real bombshell insights that i think you're gonna absolutely love and a special invitation for you so enjoy the episode let's go Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and my brother, Stephen Hussey. Hello, old dingle bats and doodads. It's Stephen Hussey here, old Grandfather Stevie, with

another episode on the wireless. Grandfather Stevie? That is the creepiest, of all the nicknames you've come up with, which generally are adorable, Grandfather Stevie is an odd one it's not very new media is it it's also not very flattering to you why would you choose that one no it's true it's true i go for the self-deprecating comedy sometimes to my detriment people but nonetheless we are. Steve, before we go any further, I do just want to make everyone aware that for only a few more days until the end of the month, there is the early bird promotion on the virtual retreat that is happening in March of 2022. Oh, yes. That means, oh, it's going to be a spicy one, Steve.

We've got three days of immersive coaching for anyone looking to transform their ability to be happy, peaceful, confident, their relationships. Anyone who feels like they're coasting in life or who feels like I don't have enough direction or I'm putting off big decisions or my bad habits ruining my life. I need to take on good ones and finally stick to them.

Or I finally need to figure out my relationship with myself and the stuff that's going on in my life because I just can't seem to be happy or I can't seem to be able to cope with the emotions that I'm feeling every day. I want tools to live a better life. And I see living a better life as constructing a better future for ourselves, but also learning to be more at peace in the present, no matter how our life is today. And the virtual retreat is all about these things. It really is a dynamic and unique coaching experience that happens over three days.

If you really enjoy our work, this is just the pinnacle of what we do. And it's happening in March of 2022. Don't miss it. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com to get your tickets. Feel free to involve your friends and family. It's a virtual event. You can do it from anywhere in the world. And until the end of the month, there's an early bird special on, which means it's the best price it's going to be between now and the event. You also get a special live Q and A with me. You get an audio interview with me and one of my most influential mentors and an opportunity to receive an autographed copy of my book, Get the Guy. All of that when you grab a ticket in November. So go check it out, mhvirtualretreat.com. And now, Stephen, on to the episode. now steve we had a well we read a review didn't we from on itunes from a man named anthony who

really enjoys the podcast and he was very very complimentary of you and i steve and of our work and said that he he really enjoyed listening in and we read his review out loud on the Love Life podcast. And we got an email from Anthony, didn't we, after that? We didn't expect one, but we heard from Anthony. We've only got a follow-up from bloody charming Anthony. So shall I play it for everyone, Matt? Yeah, I haven't heard this yet, so I'm excited. Hello, Matthew. Hello, Stephen. It's Anthony here. You kindly read out my iTunes review. Yeah, I haven't heard this yet, so I'm excited. It was a revelation when I started to come across your podcast. And that episode in particular that you read it out on was a fantastic episode about having regrets and mistakes and getting over it and moving on.

Again, really, really profound stuff. As an addendum to the review I wrote that me and my girlfriend have recently just got back together. We separated in September 2021, a a few months back and we reconnected a couple of weeks ago and reconciled things and while we were talking we realized that I said I've been listening to these Matthew Hussey podcasts and she went oh I know all about him I listen I've been listening to them too and I bought his book a couple of years ago. It was How to Get the Guy. So, yeah, we ended up laughing about it. And we've probably listened to nearly all of the same podcasts

over the last sort of couple of months, as well as watch your YouTube channel, which is excellent as well. So, yeah, it's a good news story, really. We've reconnected. We're in a happier place than we've ever been. I think understanding yourself and understanding the mistakes you make rydyn ni wedi cyd-dysgu, rydyn ni mewn lle gwych na rydym wedi bod o hyd. Rwy'n credu bod ymddygiad â'ch hun a'r ffynniadau rydych chi'n eu gwneud a chael ymddygiad a chymdeithas at eraill, oherwydd mae pobl eraill yn gwneud ffynniadau hefyd,

yw un o'r adnoddau mwyaf bwysig. Rydyn ni wedi cael chemisder, rydyn ni wedi cael cysylltiad, rydyn ni wedi cael cymhwysoedd ac yn ddiweddar, rydyn ni wedi cael ymrwymiad hefyd. Mae'r ddau pwysau bwysig wedi cael eu cyd-dysgu. Nid oes diolch i chi, y bobl a'ch gwaith ydych wedi'i wneud ar y podcast a'ch canolau YouTube. Roeddwn i eisiau dweud diolch. Rydyn ni'n ymwneud â'n dyfodol. Rydyn ni'n parhau i wneud y llistweld â'ch cymdeithas a'ch cyngor. Rwy'n credu ei fod yn

wych ac roeddwn i eisiau dweud diolch i chi i'r ddau ohonoch am yr holl waith rydych chi wedi'i wneud mewn gwneud pethau sy'n amhleidyddol iawn yn emosiynol ac mae'n anodd i'w roi ar draws mewn ffordd syml a'n hawdd i'w deall. Rwy'n credu bod yr hyn rydych chi'n ei wneud yn to put across in a simplistic and easy to understand way. And I think what you do brilliantly is exactly that. You're able to articulate complex emotions and give advice on how to handle them and how to improve on them. So well done. Thank you very much and take care.

Whoa. That is so lovely, isn't it? And just wonderful. That was amazing. I was just smiling the whole way through that that was so so cool i i love everything about that message i love what an emotionally articulate man and i think i i'm pretty sure we just got to get him as a co-host in the podcast. It was so articulate. Yeah. It was very good.

And you know what I liked actually about it, Matt? Because you are often super skeptical about getting back with an ex. But what is just so interesting, the thing that makes that work when it works is if both people have independently grown. And so it's just perfect that they've both independently been listening to the podcast and have been on their own journeys and coming back as different people to a different relationship. That's such a good point, Jameson. That's so true. It's too, Pete. So, so often when we think about getting back with an ex, we're willing to grow, but they're not. And that's why it doesn't work is that it's asymmetric in the, the desire to grow. And now you've just got one person who's trying to make changes and trying to support this new, as you say, Jameson, a new relationship, a beautiful new relationship. And one person who is still either stuck in the past

or unwilling to make any changes, unwilling to recognize anything about themselves. And Anthony, I just, I'm so happy that you sent that in. It really, that means so, so much to me. And I'm really glad you're listening. And they both had a breakup and both went to the Bloody Love Life podcast. So that is two people who are going to be all right in life, you know. They go, they have a difficult moment and they're like, I'm going to go and learn some stuff and have a think about it all and see what I can figure out. Yeah, but you know what, Steve, when Anthony said, you know the the podcast that we released where we read his review he said and it was a good one that one i immediately got nervous for about what because i thought oh no i hoped i hope he feels the same way about today's one

i immediately got that i got like you know, you know, what do we call it? Like the, it's like that success validation or that the curse of, you know, if you like success paralysis. I get it sometimes when we make a video and it's a really good video and people love it. And then the next week I'm like, Oh no, people really loved the last one. It's easy when you're coming off the back of a video that people are like, yeah, it was interesting. When you make one that people go, that was amazing. The next week you think, Oh God, this has to be so good. What you got to go for Matt is a philosophy of just, just ignore the

audience all the time. Well, they say that like actually for uh professional athletes the most dangerous thing is when like a rookie comes in and they have a great year this is the most dangerous thing for their entire career because yeah you get that success too easy we have a we have a friend clive allen who is a ex-premiership footballer um i don't know what era that would have been in, Steve. Would it be 70s, 80s? Yeah, yeah, that time. 80s. And he won the golden boot, Jameson.

He scored more goals than anyone in the premiership that year. And I think he was playing for Tottenham at the time. And he said the next season was the worst season of his life. He said because he couldn't impress all he could do was try to live up to how good his last season was and that that just made him that he couldn't come in and surprise anyone he just had to do as well as last time or be worse first album syndrome first album syndrome i just i like to assume our podcast only reaches about five people still that's that's how i keep myself sort of i'm like oh yeah we just turn it on put the mics on a couple of people listen it's fun well let's let's get on to one of the things that we wanted to talk about, which is red flags, Steve.

The old flags. This is a topic that it really doesn't appear to get old to everybody. I have my theory, but why do you think the topic of red flags is one that people seem to endlessly enjoy talking about? Like when we put something on Instagram that says, tell us in the comments, what you think is a red flag early on in dating. Oh my God. The, the, the level of engagement is extraordinary we will get literally thousands of comments from people so what is it do you think steve that so captures people when we start talking about red flags if i was going to put my my hat on, we could say that we all just love a bit of a moan and a complain. And everyone loves a dating horror story. Everyone loves to know the,

the bad things. It's like comedy, right? You want to hear when the person slipped on the banana skin and fell, you don't want to hear what a great day someone had when they went on stage. You want to hear like, give me the juice. So part of it could be like,

Oh my God, let me tell you this terrible guy. I'm there. Maybe we also just people loss aversion, right? give me the juice so part of it could be like oh my god let me tell you this terrible guy i met maybe we also just people loss aversion right we talked about that before we're always trying to avoid the worst and people are like i want to avoid the bad i want to avoid the worst people people are gonna mess me around waste my time uh break my heart tell me how to get rid of them quickly so i don't do it again. Now I feel like you're going to give me a completely different reason. No, I think, well, look, we all know that

our most precious resource is time. And there are two things we get really afraid of. One is time and the other is pain. Time, because we know it's an incredibly limited resource we have and pain because it's you know no one wants to live a life in pain and when we ignore red flags or when we don't see them to begin with we're wasting time because we can get into a relationship with someone spend months or years of our lives with the wrong person, and then find that we have to leave and start again in our dating life. So it can be extremely costly in terms of time. And in terms of pain, it can cause us so much pain to ignore red flags or to not notice them and then be in a relationship with someone who

causes us suffering, who makes us feel anxious because of the way that they treat us. Someone who makes us sad or depressed or miserable, someone who makes us feel unsafe. This is a horrible state to be in. And I think that we get very scared because if we, if we don't see the red flags or if we ignore them, what happens is we get past the threshold of feeling really connected to someone. We get past the point of tipping over into love and then leaving becomes like trying to move a mountain. I can say, I can walk away from a first date far easier than I can walk away from a situation where I've got six months of history with you and we're connected and I've invested time and energy in you. And of course there's the, the sunk cost, uh, effect at work, the, the idea that I've already invested this time and energy in you.

And so I kind of need to make that pay off now. And we're already here. And I don't want to go back to having to date a stranger again and go out on dates and be back on an app. So now with more time with someone, our desire to avoid dealing with the red flags or walking away gets higher and higher and higher because we're just like, I don't want to leave this situation now. So I think that people can kind of resonate with the idea that if I was able to spot red flags sooner, maybe I could make some key decisions about whether to stick around before I was so emotionally invested and it got so hard to leave.

And that's why when Anthony talks about the four stages of a relationship that you and I talk about, you know, there are four really important stages of a relationship. There's admiration, which we could also call attraction, but that's basically just noticing someone that you really like. Then there's mutual attraction. That's when the person you decide you like also likes you back and you realize, oh, we actually have chemistry, a connection. You can't have chemistry with someone who doesn't have chemistry with you. You can't have a connection with someone who doesn't have a connection with you. So the second stage is when you're not just admiring someone or attracted to them,

is when you're mutually attracted to each other. The third stage, as Anthony rightly pointed out, is commitment. That's when you're not just attracted to each other. There's not just chemistry and connection. You're actually saying yes to each other. Yes, I want to be with you. Perhaps to the exclusion of the rest of the world. I want to be in a monogamous relationship with you. And the other person says, I would like the same. So now you have a commitment.

And of course, there are different types of relationships. And as long as you're committing to the same thing, that's fine. But commitment is saying yes to each other. You've had the conversation and you've said yes. And the fourth stage is compatibility. Compatibility is us seeing that we can actually make each other happy. That we're not just attracted to each other, saying yes to each other. We're also right for each other. We make a good team. There are some people that are attracted to each other, we're also right for each other. We make a good team. There are some people that are attracted to each other and say yes to each other and make a horrible team. They make each other miserable. And most of us who have been on this planet for a few years have

experienced a relationship where we said yes to each other, but we weren't compatible. And so what I'm interested in with this subject, Steve, is that if we could help people spot red flags sooner, then we could take what we see as the fourth stage, compatibility, and we can actually bring it forward to the very early stage of mutual attraction and connection. So that all the while, while you're evaluating your attraction for each other, you're also evaluating your compatibility and paying attention to it. And if we can do that, then we can save ourselves from so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak because we'll have not waited to confirm all of those ways that we're going to make each other miserable. We're actually seeing the trajectory of a potential relationship before it's actually had to go there and spend all the time and energy and emotional investment getting there in the first place. And of course, if you can do that, you know, I often say, if you want to write,

if you want to find the right person faster, you have to say no to the wrong person quicker. Yes, absolutely. And that you can only say no with confidence if you can spot and deal with red flags with confidence. So, Stephen, what are your thoughts on what constitutes a red flag? Because I think a lot of people do struggle with this. What is red flag behavior. And by the way, I want to distinguish something here. There's sometimes we don't work out with someone, not because there are red flags, but because of pure, you know, lack of compatibility. No one's doing anything right or wrong. You're just different people and that's okay. But Steve, what do you see when people think of red flags, which they think as sort of early omens, early bad omens as to what this person's behavior is or could be. What do you think they're talking about? Well, here's the question I have on this. When we get a red flag, are they personal or are they universal? Like, are they just universal red flags that everyone should heed? Or is it something we decide for ourselves? I suspect a mix of both.

So you're saying, so you're making a distinction between things that everyone should avoid and things that are just wrong for you given your preferences. Right. Absolutely. And I suspect there's a mix of the two in there. And some people, that's why you've got to go through a few relationships to realize, oh my God, if I see that again, I cannot deal with someone who lives in an apartment that messy. I cannot deal with someone who, you know, has that kind of time management or someone who is disrespectful to other people or whatever. You'll see those things. But yeah, I guess, I guess, right. We'll start like, you've got like highest of the high,

which would be if someone is like massively disrespecting you. And obviously they're unfaithful. You can't trust anything that they say they're going to do. You can't trust their actions match their words. You catch them telling habitual lies. You know, these things are all going to be true for everyone

because there are some features, let's say bugs of human beings where it's like, if you don't have that, if you don't have that if you don't have that feature fixed then you're gonna be toxic for anyone to be in a relationship yeah so if you can't be trusted yes you're always gonna you're a walking red flag it's kind of like you know we could say a universal red flag is the and i think this is one of the, perhaps the most important, I have two, Steve, that I just

want to throw out there at this stage that I think are, ignore these at your peril level red flags. One of them is someone who doesn't stick to their word. And I don't just mean that on the big stuff, you know, everyone's capable of breaking their word. If we take our words to be in a more generic sense, whatever we say, we're going to do. And in fact, let me adjust it to say that it is somewhat, Does someone do what they say they're going to? Because that to me implies the big stuff, you know, I won't cheat on you, or the small stuff, I will pick up the milk today because you haven't got time. Now, there will always be times where we don't do what we say we're going to do, which by the way, is what makes it so unbelievably beautiful and valuable. It makes it such a green light, if we could use that as the opposite of a red flag.

When someone does something like that, when someone is a person of their word, when someone does what they say they're going to do, that is one of the most powerful relationship qualities. And if you have someone who does what they say they're going to do, you should be, you should be valuing that at the highest level because it's not necessarily common in people in general. And it's a real, it shows character and it shows a lack of character when we don't do that. But, and here's the caveat that leads to the second one. So that's the first one, not doing what you say you're going to do. None of us in life have a perfect track record of doing what we say we're going to do.

None of us. But the second big red flag is someone who can't apologize. If you can't apologize universally, this is a relationship destroyer. Yeah. And the reason that they're two very important things to go hand in hand is what you want is someone who endeavors to do what they say they're going to do and takes that very, very seriously. red flag behaviors like gaslight you over it, tell you you're being crazy, tell you you're being high maintenance, lie about it, you know, just ignore it. Or even just like make excuses. Like it's funny you say it because I, in a bit, I'm going to give you some popular ones I've seen on Twitter and, you know, the red flag meme. But one of them I did see was someone who can never accept

when they've made a mistake or hurt someone's feelings. Like me? I couldn't hurt that person. I didn't mean to hurt their feelings. I didn't, you know, it's like really defensive whenever it's like,

oh, that person's really upset. So I didn't upset them. By the way, I love the idea of like Twitter being a place we're going to be lectured on what red flags are in people. Yeah, by the way i love the idea of like twitter being a place we're going to be lectured on what red flags are oh by people yeah by the way a lot of the mother low i mean it is the it is the mecca of all red flag behavior goes on on twitter and and they're gonna and they're gonna tell us what red flag behavior is take a look at yourselves on twitter first sorry steve can we

tweet that or is that i wouldn't let's keep that one to instagram instagram's a much nicer place isn't it twitter's very uh twitter's very venomous yeah well toxic mate it's toxic um well what would be for be interesting to do matt because this red flag meme has like sort of run away with it's sort of been one of the memes of dare i say 2021 uh lots of people always firing in these they even do the little red flag there's an emoji for it now and they do a bunch of red flags and it's like when this happens um i think it'd be fun. Now, is that kind of post-COVID thing? Is that like people just saw a lot of really bad behavior during COVID and now all of a sudden that's produced an interest in red flag behavior

and spotting it early? Jameson, what do you think of that? I was trying to find some cod psychological explanation for why now. Jameson, what's your theory? I think that it's been a really great couple of years to just sit back and judge everyone so go ahead gentlemen judge away over to you steven so i thought it'd be fun to read you some red flags matt and then maybe we could talk about some of our amber flags that might be like ones that are make you go not sure about this person it's not quite a red

it's not hard no but you're like i'm not so sure now okay so i think that's fun because i think some people just say red flag for everything but actually sometimes it's like oh it's a it's a slight warning should we do should we do this as like overrated underrated but on what people say are red flags yeah a bit like that i mean some of these are some of these are ridiculous okay but but yeah go on well then let's see um okay so this is this is a very popular one but it's people who are rude to service workers it's on put can't stand it yes okay i i agree with that appropriately rated yeah i i you've got to pay attention to how people treat those who they feel can do nothing for them um yeah yeah it's a jet it's waiters it always seems the focus always seems to be waiters.

I do feel like we should be talking, you know, let's talk about, let's include everyone in the mix. Um, but I, it's always, you know, there's a very, very defensive about waiters in particular, but I do, I do agree. Anyone who doesn't, anyone who you think I don't need anything from this person, if that, if you're rude or mean to that person or dismissive of that person, then that, that tells you a lot about what you need to know, because you may one day be someone they decide they don't need and be on the receiving end of that kind of behavior. So yeah, I agree with that one. I think, I think a nice, I think a nice, uh, way to look at it is, like, I don't know if you're going to need the person again, but to me, it's just like, will you ever see this person again? And so that's like a nice litmus test. Like,

if someone just treats that person they're never going to see again, like, okay, well, I can just be as mean as I want to be. It's sort of like you get to see that person in their natural environment. There's just no more future here. What kind of energy do they leave that person with? Do they leave them with a negative energy or do they just have a default positive interaction? What about if someone tries too hard with the waiter?

Yeah, like they're just really oh that's interesting like they really over ingratiate themselves with anyone they speak to who's yeah yeah yeah is that a red flag is that sort of that it's just like a los angelino flag that might be the amber that might be the amber one that's like a slight i'm up i'm up turning one eyebrow at that and i'm not sure if they're trying too hard to be friends with everyone we encounter you go narcissist is this so like is this someone who needs everyone to love them i i've you know there are people i've met in my life that, that I've, you know, they, they meet me and charm the pants off me. And I'm just like, you know, that person, when you leave them, you're like, oh yeah, they're such a cool guy.

Oh, so nice. And he, that like, they made you feel so good. And then, and then if you were to spend like more than a couple of hours with them in different environments you can literally spot them doing it with the next person and the next person and the next person and then you just go oh i didn't i don't feel as special anymore this is well i thought that was your number one yeah exactly no i i do think when someone's trying too hard to charm everybody that's a red flag to me okay how about this one uh when they like pineapple on pizza no that come on have you if you can't have your pizza the way you want it then what has this world come to fair enough there's like there's a lot of

suffering in life pizza is one of the few times that you get to escape the realities of everyday existence and just lose yourself in cheese and dough and sauce and whatever the hell you want like if you don't there's a it's a red flag if you're judging people that hard on their pizza. Shame on you. You know, you're actually onto something there, Matt. I think there was a study. I heard this on a different podcast. The study came up and there's like a psychologist and a philosopher talking about a ridiculous

study about how people that eat more adventurous foods are seen to be more sexually attractive or at least more sexually experienced or in they're into more weird sexual stuff really so sort of like that weird prudish i want to judge the food there is kind of an element of like oh well in the bedroom they're probably pretty judgy as well interesting so i thought you were going to say that people who have pineapple on pizza were probably good in bed because pineapple doesn't belong on pizza. Well, if they are open to it, the pineapple, who knows? Oh, I see. So you can use the pineapple. It's become the pineapple test. See if they will eat. I mean, I don't think you should judge people for their pizza um

that being said my girlfriend likes pineapple on her pizza and i won't touch it she i will not we will put it we'll go halves she will have her toppings on her side they will not straight you know like an office desk where you just you're like get your papers off of my desk with someone next to you that's how i am with my pizza get that stray bit of pineapple off my slice eat your pineapple i won't judge you but keep it away from me next one um hating all their exes stories about how they've been victimized by everyone oh that's a good one that's a good one that's classic yeah it's like it was just like people who hate everybody in general you know like when you meet someone who's just like just so curmudgeonly that everyone just that person lacks empathy they don't they've stopped identifying with other people at all and, and created an exception out of themselves. And, uh, when someone does that with their exes,

it's the same thing. It's that there seems to be this inability to realize that you, you seem to, one of two things is true. Either they're not as bad as you say they are, and you're the problem or you keep choosing really shitty people in which case you're still the problem right yeah but you enjoy complaining about everyone all the time that you've dated but maybe that this energy should be put into making a different choice than continuing to choose the same people and then complaining about them that smacks to me of someone who's addicted to the same story so another one this is from netflix themselves matt

they got in on the fun and they said when they press skip skip intro on the first episode so they don't even listen to the theme song once or the intro of a show what they just skip they skip intro straight away kind of piece of shit does that i think i mean i would think that it's monstrous if you don't listen to a show's theme song at least the first time but i often want to hear it every time i think there's something wrong with you do you think do you think that netflix just made like a caricature caricature monster version no one really does that this is a straw man red flag the straw man red flags that netflix made to just be completely self-serving with their marketing department tweeting out this nonsense

oh that's good we're victims of sensationalist media right now this is why we have you in the room you always read always seeing behind the smoke reading between the lines i do think it's actually it's worth noting though the people that aren't in full season one i think for a full season one you should be watching that intro do you know why I like the intro? And I think this says something about the way that I approach life. Yeah, yeah. This says you're a great guy.

Go on. I didn't say that it said I was a great guy. I just, Stephen, I think if I can... No, this is really going to say a lot about you. Go on. If I can be so self-referential, i think that in this is some kind of little secret to life and and yes i'm claiming it as my own i watch the intro with the theme music because to me when we truly want to enjoy something in life it starts by getting connected to it. It's the same when I go and do a speech. I can have all of the words. I can have all of the knowledge of what I'm going to say.

But you know, and Jameson knows that anytime I'm about to get on stage, I'll always have a moment where I either say to myself or one of you, why is this important again? Why do I need to do this? Why do I need to say this? And that moment is essential to giving a good speech or making a great video is why is this important? In other words, I need to get connected to it in order to do a good job. And anytime that it takes me a while to warm up, whether it's a webinar or a video or whatever, is because I didn't start connected. But when someone says, well, you were a little slow in the beginning, but then, oh my God, you were fire, it's because somewhere along the way, I got connected and then it flowed differently. And when I watch the theme song or the music, the buildup to whatever show it is, that's just two minutes of me really sitting into the experience of what I'm about to watch and going, oh yeah, I'm here for this. This is what I'm doing for

the next half hour i'm excited i'm getting connected the only one you're allowed to skip is the morning show which is about three minutes long so that might be the only one you can permit but it's a fun little tune i still i still watched the game of thrones must have the record for the longest theme song ever and i still i sat through it each time that was one of the great theme songs um okay another one um men who call it cute when you say you're going to do something any competent adult could do like put furniture together or change your own oil throw those men in the trash we can't really answer this one matt because i guess we haven't experienced that but the idea of someone the idea of someone condescending

you for anything you're capable of doing well steve is cute that you think i've never experienced that because i have very good all right i did have i remember telling someone that what i did for a living and they went oh that's so cute oh i hate that i hate that stuff there we go as well it is it is a terrible terrible low low quickly we've made him angry no no i quickly we've made steve angry with that one you you were all oh i don't know it doesn't really happen to us that's a that must be something we can't relate to i literally said it and immediately i just see you saw red now i'm going yeah we men get that all the time we're getting condescended you know how seriously i take my work and someone said oh that's really cute and i immediately had no

interest it just was like oh god this is such an inappropriate response to something that's really important to me. And, uh, and I, it's, it's, it's all about reading the room. Uh, and I, I suppose that's interesting as a spin, as a distinction. I think that's interesting that to hear men do it over things that women do that are just everyday normal things, but there's that patronizing. It's cute that you're doing something that a human would do right yeah exactly um yeah oh it's cute you can open up the front of your car that sort of thing and change the oil i think i have a different interpretation of this tweet than you guys i just don't i kind of just call b on it. Because first of all, when's the last time you changed your oil, Matthew?

Oh, I can see where you're going. I think that this, I think that this woman's probably super competent at a lot of really cool stuff. And I guarantee that a guy was probably like, oh my God, you did it. You did that yourself. That's, that's awesome. And she's probably, I mean, listen to the last part of her tweet. Throw those men in the trash.

This is an angry person. I'm a little bit to the last part of her tweet. Throw those men in the trash. This is an angry person. I'm a little bit, I'm skeptical of this tweet. I think this is an example of the toxic Twitter you were talking about. Damn, he's turned it around. How interesting. Look at how defensive Jay is as a man being called out, called out by one person and he immediately gets defensive i mean he might as well be waving a giant red flag over his head right now

no can i just say that if i hurt you steve it wasn't my fault and i'm not sorry um this brilliant all right um let's move on from that one. Um, when conversations have to absolutely be about them, otherwise it's boring or unimportant. I mean, yes, obviously obvious red flag. If someone's not curious about you, especially by the way, in the dating phase, do you know what I mean? Because if, if they're not curious about you, even during the time when it could get them in your pants, then he knows his zodiac sign, it's a red flag, or when he doesn't know his zodiac sign, it's a red flag. I thought that was a funny, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I think it's fine for a man to know his zodiac sign. I think that if he brings it up as a topic of conversation, you should not trust that man. And you should immediately stand up and leave the date and block his number. And if he tries to reach you another way and says on Instagram, hey um i don't know what happened but my text messages are no longer going through to you you call the police or you say i thought you're an aries you should have known not to talk like that in front of me

steve let me tell you something When a guy brings up star signs, that's not about those interesting star signs. So you see it as pure... He's a liar. He's a pure tactic. He's a pure strategist. He's a piece of shit liar. Yeah, I didn't hear that first, folks. He is a liar, Steve.

Steve, do you know how many times in my life, in my life in my life i have been one of my male friends old or new and in the middle of our activity together as men he said what star sign are you bud how many times does that happen how many times do you think zero steve fucking zero what's your stars and do you know how many times i've been on a hike with a man and halfway through that hike i did something i said a certain thing i said oh my uh my house is so messy right now and they went what star sign are you do you know how many times they took one of the things i said and then used it as a way to pivot to what star sign i am and how that behavior was so quintessentially capricorn Do you know how many times, Steve? Oh, got to be a few, hasn't it?

How many? Absolutely fucking zero, mate. Zero again. Knew it. There you go. So when a guy is on a date with you and he starts pulling out all of that horoscope knowledge, proceed at your peril.

This is a man who has got a devious mind. The Lex Luthor of astrology. Yeah, fair enough. Poor Shane. Fair enough. Well, that's good. I think we covered some ground there. I want to ask you about a few amber flags, Matt.

And if you agree, these are like, hmm. And these are ones I've sort of wrote down. Go on. Well, I sort of wrote them down, you know, kind of imbibed from what other people think, you know, of wrote down. Go on. Well, I sort of wrote them down, you know, kind of imbibed from what other people think, you know, got some down. But so here are some amber flags. Someone too comfortable

with offering criticism early on. This is one I thought up. That's what, yeah. I'll move more quickly through these, but yeah, that's one to talk about. That's a conversation. I don't feel, I don't, I feel judged by you or I don't, I don't feel like you're accepting me. Um, that's a con that's a conversation. Yeah. Um, someone who now this is a careful one, but someone who doesn't have any friends, or we could say a woman who has no female friends or a

man who has no friends interesting um yeah i would say that's it's an amber flag because some people are lonerish so that's why i'm thinking it's a i don't know i'd say if someone has no friends, that might be a red flag. That might be a red flag. Someone who has never had a long-term relationship and they're past 35. I think that's an Amber. I'm going to go Amber because i think that's a conversation right so you're great you're agreeing with me yeah yeah um if you have very different religious or spiritual beliefs um and for that's amber that's a good amber because that's that requires significant conversation but but it's not insurmountable.

Okay, this is quite a specific one. I wonder what you think. Someone who can't enjoy something because it wasn't their first choice. What would be an example of that? Like there was the restaurant they really wanted to go to and you got the second best because you know you both couldn't get into that one or the second best activity but they make a thing of like they didn't get the first choice it's like a thing that's a red flag that's a red flag that's a red flag how are you going to enjoy life with that person life is full of second choices i also feel i feel like that's wildly specific steve is this like is this some uh is there some trauma you want to talk about who have you dated that's done that have you tried

to take someone to a restaurant and sold them on it and gone oh still tell you this is i call it they all know me here this is a great this let me tell you this is a great, this, let me tell you, this is a great, they call it Stevie's Joint. It's a great restaurant. I don't say it like Michael Caine, but yeah, go on. Okay, here you go. I call this Stevie's Joint. I walk in, everyone says hello. The food's delicious.

They got this amazing pizza. Oh, I tell you, even if you don't eat pineapple on pizza, you'll eat it on this pizza. They do a pizza, the whole base is pineapple. It's delicious. And you've really sold this pineapple on pizza. You'll eat it on this pizza. They do a pizza. The whole base is pineapple. It's delicious. And you've really sold this pineapple base pizza. And then all of a sudden you rock up and they go, I'm sorry, sir, we don't have a reservation for you.

And you go, don't you know who I am? And they say, I'm sorry, sir. We've never seen you before. And so you have to trundle off to Chipotle or whatever other establishment is nearby. Yeah, if I do that and they give me stick about it. No, and then you go to the next place. Hang on. You go to the next place hang on i'm not i'm just you go to the next place and your date who's been

who's been sold on this pineapple based pizza yeah and this place that's you know you've nicknamed that you've nicknamed stevie's joint yeah they now can't get it out of their mind and they can't enjoy the burrito you've taken them for yeah and they is that what you meant yeah and they give me stick about it and they and they just just subtly just subtly they like seem a bit disappointed the whole day like oh you did say we were going to go to that stevie's place if they bring it up again then i'm annoyed it actually exists this is actually this actually happened this is such a true story and the most what's more is you nailed it i feel like this is exactly what happened this really happened didn't it it i i don't even remember it feels like something that did happen but my point is my point is you've got, I want someone who can enjoy that.

Oh, we didn't do the favorite thing today. We didn't get number one choice every time. Like this time we're doing, oh, we do second best. And I want them to then go with a good attitude. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is obviously self-authored. So I feel like you need to be the one who says whether this is amber or red.

And I'll tell you what, Steve, from everything you've said and how upset you've been over it, I am surprised you put it in the amber category. I want them to enjoy the little things, OK? Well, let's list I know exactly what you mean, Steve, where it's like, you can imagine a really great day at like Disneyland, but one of the rides was closed. Well, one of your favorites, your favorite ride was closed. Are you still not going to enjoy the entire day at Disneyland? That's a problem. That's like a full, I mean, I'm pretty sure that's just a straight up red flag. I agree.

I think we're all agreed on that. Red flag. So how many ambers makes a red? Well, I think... Okay, I'm going to... Because we're going to have to wrap this up, Steve. But I want to finish on something that I think is going to be very valuable for people

as a bit of insight, I suppose. There is a difference between red flags and amber lights. A red flag is something that we should genuinely, you know, it falls under that ignore at your peril category. Now, the dangerous thing about red flags is that often red flags are disguised as exciting or attractive qualities about someone. They're the bad boy. They've got this edge to them. They have a certain amount of spontaneity or excitement, or, you know, they charm everyone on the first date and everyone loves them. And they say all the right things in any given moment. Sometimes red flags can be disguised as exciting qualities. And so we start chasing the wrong thing. That's what's so dangerous about some red flags. However, there are amber lights, which I define as conversations, things that

you should talk about and use as an opportunity to either find a real point of difference that isn't going to work or find a moment of coming together where you go, oh, we can, you feel this way. Oh, that's okay. Then I'll adjust that. Or let's talk about it. Let's come to a place of greater understanding. Amber lights are actually the makings of a relationship. The ability to talk about differences and to use those to become stronger is one of the defining characteristics of strong relationships. Now, what I think is interesting about amber lights is that sometimes they're disguised as red flags. Sometimes, especially when we have our demons, which we all do, we have our insecurities, someone can do something that to us, we, it freaks us out in some way. It feels like this is like that thing that someone once did to me that right now it's not really that thing, but,

but because it's coming in some form that makes me think of that, you know, like it's almost like if I've been cheated on a bunch of times and then this person I'm with is out all night and doesn't text me. Now we might go red flag. That's a red flag. And when we see a red flag, especially when it's related to one of our demons, one of the things that we're scared of, it sends us into fight or flight mode. So fight mode is you finally get hold of them. You finally speak to them and you unleash hell on them for the way that you have just felt and for how afraid you are. You yell at them. You argue with them. You tell them all the ways they're wrong. You judge the behavior or flight. You go cold. You give them the silent treatment or you just stop returning their calls.

You don't text them back because you're like, that feels like something just got poked in me that's made me terrified. It's aggravated my trauma. I'm running for the hills. I'm going to get this person away from me because this means danger. The danger with amber lights is that sometimes our own trauma can make those amber lights look like red flags when actually they are an invitation for us to have a conversation, for us to reveal more of ourselves, our wounds, who we are as a person, for us to understand more about somebody else, for us to get better at setting boundaries. Amber lights are an invitation to strengthen the relationship and heal our trauma. But if we go

in straight into fight or flight, because we see it as a red flag, then we may never get the chance to do all of those wonderful things because we'll either scare ourselves off and run away, or we'll scare them off in the early stages with how we just treated them. I am fascinated by this because I think it's kind of easy to list a bunch of red flags and say, yeah, if you see this, run for the hills. But I think the reality of relationships and early dating is that usually or very often we find ourselves in situations where we simply aren't sure. We're not sure of whether something is a genuine red flag. We're not sure if they've done anything wrong or if it's our trauma,

if we're the one being high maintenance, if we're the one who needs to check our ego, if we're the one who's just being overly anxious. We're not sure if we're being over demanding. We're not sure if it's appropriate to say something. We have an argument with someone and we come out of it completely spinning as to whether we just did a good thing or a bad thing. And so I'm fascinated by this distinction between red flags and amber lights. Red flags, ignore at your peril. Amber lights, an invitation to a conversation. And Steve, this is something that's very exciting that's happening right now. For anyone who's listening to this and you're like, that is exactly

what I would love to dive deeper into because I have that problem all the time. I'm second guessing myself. I am. When I like someone, I constantly second guess whether I should ignore a behavior or talk about it. I second guess whether I'm in the wrong or I'm in the right. I question myself. It affects my confidence. Then, you know, I get trampled over or my boundaries get ignored or the person doesn't even know about them. And then I feel shame because I feel like I'm not even sticking up for myself, or I'm not even able to have the conversations that I'd really like to have with someone. If you're feeling like this and you want to do a deep dive into this area of red flags and amber lights. And when you see an amber light, how to go into that conversation that you've just been invited to, how to have it,

how to negotiate it, and how to get the best possible outcome. We're going to be doing this on December the 7th in a two-hour masterclass live with me. And this is happening exclusively for my Love Life members. And if you don't know, our Love Life membership is a unique exclusive club where we have people in a small tribe that I actually coach, that you actually coach, Stephen. It's not just a place where we philosophize. It's a place where we coach people and we work on an actual plan for improving their love life and their life together in tandem. The only way to access this particular training that I'm doing for two hours is to become a member. But the good news is becoming a member is easy because you have a 14-day free trial to come and try it out.

To go and claim your 14-day free trial, if you want to be a part of this, go to askmh.com. You'll get a chance to ask a question as well if you'd like to ask a question and that may feature in one of our upcoming training for members but go to askmh.com and you'll be able to sign up for a 14-day free trial and you can actually be part of this live master class on red flags and amber lights together with me so again that's happening on de the 7th. As long as you become a member before then, you are included in that masterclass. And the value of this training is worth so many times the value of this membership. And you get the chance to come and join for free for 14 days anyway, to give it a try. So go to askmh.com to sign up. And of course, Stephen, as always,

we appreciate your reviews on the podcast. They mean the world to us. And we have a review here from Kig Dalal, which is an easy one to pronounce. She put on iTunes, going to the retreat. I am so excited to take my next steps in becoming the high value woman I am. I have been walking into self-discovery for the last year and a half. After my husband had an affair and passed an STI to me through the affair, I was tormented in my own mind and body. How could anyone love me or be with me now? I know through some deep work there were things I needed to uncover within me and stop chasing men and trying to seek approval and validation from them. I look back and see I compromised who I am. Well, I didn't even know who I was.

Anyway, I came across you and an interview you had with Lisa on Women of Impact. And I was like, whoa, I saw myself in a lot of what you were speaking about. And I knew I needed more of you and your tips and advice. So I read your book. Actually, you read it to me and it was so great and insightful. So next step was I wanted to get into your retreat and there wasn't any available. So I figured maybe it's not the right time. And a week later, boom, you have one coming up in March.

I signed up and I play your podcast now on a weekly play because you have such a way to connect with my heart and you are helping me through transitioning into becoming the woman I know is inside of me. I cannot wait to do this in March. Thank you, Matthew. Well, thank you so much for that wonderful review on iTunes, for enjoying the podcast, and of course, signing up to our live virtual retreat in March, which if you're listening and you want to come and do a three-day coaching program with us, you can do from anywhere in the world. You don't have to travel anywhere.

You can take the entire three-day experience immersively from home on your laptop or phone. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com if you want to go and check that out for yourself. And remember, there's an early bird deal until the end of the month. And if you want to leave us a review on iTunes, we would very much appreciate that. We are reading them. We're going to choose one for every episode. So write us a review. We read every single one of them.

That's right. And they really do bring a smile to our face because it's nice to know that there are people out there enjoying this. So thank you, everyone, for listening. Thank you, Stephen. out there enjoying this. So thank you everyone for listening. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you, brother. Thank you, everyone. And we will see you next time in the Love Life podcast. Take care, guys. Bye.