Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 143: Why Our Romantic Partners Annoy Us So Much...

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

A recent article asked: "Is Your Partner The Most Annoying Person In The World?" Matt and Steve look at this question and discuss: - Top most annoying habits in relationships - The mindset shift that increases our love with our partner - What really destroys relationships ---  Join us on our virtual retreat on March 18th-20th! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey  

🎵 🎵 Hello everyone to another Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and me old brother, Stevie Hussey. Hello listeners, luges and lovers, and welcome to the podcast. I'm not sure what a luge, I'm not exactly sure what a luge is, but that's not important. How do you come up with these? I pick a letter and then just say a few words based on that letter. Right. Okay. That sounds like a good strategy for not getting in trouble. I'm shocked that anything would have gone wrong at all with this much prep that we do.

Well, we're back in another Love Life episode. This, of course, is a podcast that is focused not only on helping you find the love you want, but also loving the life you already have. And we're excited to be back in another one of these episodes. You guys have been so lovely, by the way, as this show has really, I think Steve started to find its feet in terms of what it is and the format of it. I mean, it will no doubt evolve and change again. But the comments people have been sending in either to iTunes or to our email podcast at matthewhussey.com have just been really beautiful. So we got an email from Farah who said the Love Life podcast and the School of Greatness podcast are what got me into the whole I listen to podcasts mantra. I love that as a mantra. I listen to podcasts. I think having Stephen co-host the podcast made the podcast extra special, not just because now we get to see a new side of Matthew,

it's because now it's two brothers doing this together. Their connection shines right through. I love their sense of humor together and how they are silly and tease each other. I find their brotherhood is rare and I am honored I get to witness it. Since day one, this podcast was about love. Maybe at first it was about finding love. Then it slowly but surely grew into self-love. This podcast is for everyone. You'll be doing yourself a disservice when you miss out on it. If you want growth, connection, love, vulnerability, answers to your burning questions, a light when it's dark, a good laugh and a whole lot of things I'll let you discover for yourself.

Welcome this podcast into your journey. She also says, Steve, can you believe that this is free? Wait, we made it free? Oh, God. Yeah, it's been free for a while steve oh wow why aren't we doing why aren't we doing more ads for me undies i don't think we should be doing any ads around your undies i don't think anyone wants to know any more than they have to about that crevice me undies is a brand okay okay sorry if you if you're a podcast guy you would know that because they sponsor every podcast sorry um well we don't

have an ad for me undies but we do have something that will change your life more than a pair of underwear and certainly more than a pair of stevens underwear and that i'll change your life more than a pair of underwear and certainly more than a pair of stevens underwear and that will change your life not for the better our virtual retreat is coming up in march do you have tickets yet if you don't you can get them on a holiday special that's going on right now until December the 23rd. And in our virtual retreat holiday special ticket, you get $100 off. You get a ticket to Momentum Week, which is happening in January. And this is going to be a week where,

while everyone else is already breaking their resolutions halfway through the month, we're going to get together every day for a week. On the first day, I'm going to walk you through my daily plan, how I organize my time, how I structure my day to get the most out of it, both in terms of my output and also emotionally. And then once I've been through that process with you, every other day that week, we're going to do a process I call one great hour where we get together for an hour and work on our goals together on video. So it's going to be a really exclusive, intimate group of people that every day for a week get together and work on their new year goals. And that's not even the virtual retreat itself.

Momentum Week is just a week in January that you get as a bonus for joining the virtual retreat in December. You're also going to get a live Q&A with me before the virtual retreat where I can talk you through the program, answer any questions you have, and just coach you in your life before we even get to the program. All of that is available at mhvirtualretreat.com. So go over to mhvirtualretreat.com to get your holiday special ticket to the virtual retreat. well steven we've got a topic for today that i think is quite interesting go on is your partner the most annoying person in the world this was an article in men's health that talked about the fact that a third of people in relationships say their partner is the most annoying person they know.

So a third of people in a relationship consider their other half to be the most annoying person they know because of their infuriating habits. The average loved up Brit spends up to a fifth of their day each day feeling frustrated with their significant other because of snoring, passing wind, loudness, messiness and rudeness. Equivalent to almost five hours of pure unbridled irritation per day now so you're so far i'm interested to hear this is brits i don't know if the passing wind thing is a british thing or if that's like if that crosses borders if they did it for americans so this maybe if it was americans it would be the number one most annoying thing they're saying all of these well that's your experience of americans i don't know what you're saying but um but five hours they're saying that adds up to of all those things

not five hours of passing wind just five hours of bad habits but considering you're asleep you're asleep for about eight hours so five hours is a lot of your day that seems a bit i i suppose if you just assemble all the times. I don't know. That seems too much. It does sound like a lot to me, Steve. Like five hours. It also lists other vexing traits as talking through TV shows. Okay.

Bad with money. Using their phone mid-conversation. That is an annoying one. Leaving clothes on the bedroom floor that's you steven yeah leaving crumbs on the kitchen side also you okay fair enough what are you my partner are you steve in one form or another i've been your partner since i was three years old or two i suppose i've dealt with your crumbs on the side and the final the final one says never listens and that's you so if we're going to start on each other well sorry i threw i was happy to throw you under the bus on a couple of very easygoing ones

clothes on the bedroom floor which we all know is a fucking understatement when it comes to you we've all seen your bedroom mate hey we haven't all seen it no it's it's well good and that and that's a good thing for you steve because it might change a couple of opinions if people saw the bombite that was your room. Yeah, but when... The cups in there. Some old fucking tangerine peel from a bath in 2017. Yeah, but you're talking about Bachelor Steve. When I have a girlfriend, I'm like a drill sergeant. I'm cleaning that up before they all come over. All right.

So you won't do it for the rest of us? But... But you do it for your lady. But for the woman I love, I'll clean up those tangerine beers. You're making me sound like a monster. No, I'm not. My point was, I was throwing you under the bus on kitchen crumbs, and you said I never listen.

That's a damning one. And sometimes you use your phone mid-conversation that i thought that when i said it's a bad one i literally thought of myself but look none of us are perfect well it's been it's been uh enlightening hasn't it this i'm glad i'm glad we did this one glad we did this topic um of those surveyed 41 say they said they wouldn't change their partner's annoying habits because it's what makes them them. I like the idea that they spend five hours a day of cumulative time being wound up by it, but they say I wouldn't change it. I just can't imagine you, Ben, without your snoring and breaking wind. I just can't even, i can't even picture life

without it it's you your your gas is what makes you you it's part of what i love about you i i wouldn't i'll tell you what gary i wouldn't change it for a world but i but i can't bloody stand it uh you stink i wouldn't change it and have a shower once in a while you stink well i i see i think that we all think we have it worse than we do i'm not talking about genuinely abusive traits we can take that off the table i'm talking about the these types of things that have been listed here. I think a lot of us, or maybe it's not that we think we have it worse than we do. We think we have it so much worse relative to somebody else because familiarity breeds contempt.

That is where that phrase comes from it's much easier to glorify what else is out there while you're with someone experiencing their long-standing habits that you get to see because you're comfortable together and you spend a lot of time together and then compare that to the superficial veneer of somebody else's practiced good manners that come out day to day with strangers or with you know steve you know i bet i i've seen you i've seen you with friends you see once every couple of months you're absolutely charming right thank you very much you are you're an absolute delight to be around when you see you every couple of months but you know when you when you're together with you every day i'm not saying you're not lovely

but it's a different side of you why is this all about having a go at me i don't i just it's not i'm just i'm using you as an example okay so i'm a difficult daily person to be around i well i think i am too i think i'm i think i'm quite difficult i'm pretty easy going i think people would i think people would have no idea how difficult i can be oh they certainly don't no they certainly don't. No, they certainly don't. And so my point is that you don't, you know, you think you have it so bad with these things, but, you know, you trade them for another person. You're going to get another set of annoying habits.

Yeah. That's why sometimes people probably think, they probably sometimes go back to their exes and they think, oh God, what did I let go there? Because this new person it's bloody nightmare right right yeah and they probably start missing their ex because they think god i let go of a good thing there and i was complaining the tricky part as well is that some of the bad habits that rear their heads or the ones that bother us are part of a continuum that connects to sides of

them we initially got attracted to can you explain that well not to bring it back to you steve but let's take your mess no go on yeah yeah crumb leave leaving crumbs everywhere. What? Go on. Tell me why it's a good thing. Really? Well, well, Steve, you are extremely bright. Okay. You are an intellectual. You are an academic. Your words, not mine. You are, you are a doctor.

That is true and those things about you it's like you you have that sort of sherlock holmes creative genius thing about you where you just you you're bookish you lose yourself in thoughts and ideas and you're concerned with the big things in life you know you are concerned with the big ideas the philosophies the systems that that make things happen and what that means is that your mind really you don't care about that that you know those clothes strewn across your bedroom floor you don't care you're more interested in the book you've been reading that day so that you know that when you meet you and you go god this guy's mind this is a great mind this is i mean this is a mind that is doing some

serious heavy lifting this guy is again your words this is a thinker you know and then you get you get back to your bedroom and you go what's a fucking tangerine peel doing on the floor but again before a woman comes around i clean that up right all i'm saying is you can actually draw a line between the two sometimes the spontaneity that we find exciting in someone exciting in someone is also responsible for the lack of presence we feel when we're with them or the fact that we can't seem to pin them down for plans because they're someone who likes doing things in the moment and they don't like making plans and initially you were attracted to that but now you're actually finding it a bit

frustrating sometimes the fact that you thought someone was incredibly charismatic in the early stages of dating comes back to bite you because you find out they continue to be very charismatic while you're dating them and they give their attention quite freely in every direction so now you feel like this person that had your attention because of their flirtatious nature or their charismatic nature now is the same person who makes you a bit jealous because that energy is something they continue to exude now that you have them. Yeah, that's very true. And so I guess. What's the lesson here? Because you could easily say, well, some things clearly, like you're saying, it is an offshoot of their good qualities. So you either say, well, I really appreciate that, and that's not a person they're ever going to be.

But you could also say, well, there might be easy solves to some bad habits, right? Or bad things. If I just, if I just have a cleaner a few times a week, then the thing you're saying is a problem is gone, isn't it? So you could be like, oh, well, you could just solve that really quickly. If you, uh, if you just shell out a little bit extra for it, you can mitigate some of your bad habits. Well, I think that we have to, I think there's a couple of, within a relationship, and this goes for any relationship. I mean, this is not just romantic.

For any, many people live at home with siblings, parents, children. We're often forced into close proximity with people whose habits frustrate us. There's a couple of things we can do. First, look at, look, it's very easy. If I've known someone for a long time, it's very easy for me to start focusing only on the things that bug me about that person. And to completely take for granted the wonderful traits they have that you just have normalized. Yeah. And the other people would find amazing in that person. The other people would find incredible about your sister, your brother, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your parents,

you know, what are the things they have that you no longer give them credit for, but that doesn't mean that they don't deserve credit. And the other thing is, we should understand what habits of mine don't make me easy to live with, but the person I'm with accepts. Because if we understand that, that can actually breed some compassion towards their things. It often is a lack of self-awareness that makes us so frustrated about things in other people. There's a friend of mine who, you know, in his 30s was talking about how he, you know, he was, he kept ending relationships and starting new ones and ending them and starting new ones. And his mom once said to him, you know, when are you going to settle down? When are you going to find someone? And why do you always lose every person that you're with? Why do you? And he says, you

know, mom, I'm looking for the, I'm just looking for someone who's, who's got it all. You know, I don't feel like I should settle. I want it. I want someone who's, who's got it all. Cause he saw any, anything that was missing in a person as, well, that would be me settling. If I went for that person and his mom said to him, I hate to be the one to break it to you, But you're not perfect. And that's something we would all do well to remember at certain points. When we're thinking of, you know, this is relevant for anyone who's listening to this podcast right now who is in the stage of dating and they are looking for a partner. They're doing the choosing. We often, in a derogatory way, refer to being with someone who doesn't have it all in your eyes as settling. Right? And it's quite a damaging term when you think about it.

The idea of settling, because it puts a very negative connotation on the idea that you would make your peace with being with someone who hasn't got it all, as if anyone does. instead of having the self-awareness to say, maybe I can come to terms with the fact that I don't have it all, that there are things that are frustrating or annoying about me. There were things that someone will have to, in some way, come to accept about me and therefore i need to be able to do the same in the other direction and that far from settling that's actually a form of accepting it's a kind of maturing it's a kind of growing up in the way that we

see relationships yeah now does that mean that within a relationship we shouldn't find ways to mitigate some of our truly bad habits no i there's a difference between quirks and genuinely bad habits you know i think we have to make a kind of distinction there. It's not, you know, being in a relationship with someone who never does the dishes isn't charming. That's not a, you know, oh, that's just, that's just them. No, that's a shitty teammate. Yeah. And if they show zero effort of something that is of, you know, of a need to you, that's a problem. Exactly. Yeah. And let's be clear.

If you stress something that you need in order to feel appreciated, if you feel like what you have is someone who's not being a team player in the responsibilities of a relationship or of a household or of two people trying to survive together, trying to get through life together and build together. And it's like a company, right? You're running a company together. The two of you are running the company that is you co, right? You and I in a relationship and that company, we want that company to thrive. Well, have I got a really bad partner in that company, we want that company to thrive. Well, have I got a really bad partner in that company who doesn't pull their weight? That's a genuine problem, right? So we have to differentiate between quirks and genuinely poor habits.

And we have to be able to bring up genuine poor habits to say, I need more, or I would appreciate if you helped more in this department, or if you didn't do that as much. And we should look at ourselves and say, what could I do to mitigate some of my worst habits? You know, that to me is part of growth in a relationship. If I do catch myself checking my phone, I have to be self-aware enough to say, actually, this isn't, this isn't a great behavior. And if someone calls me out on this, rather than be defensive, I should be open to hearing why that's not a pleasant thing for somebody else to experience we have to be open to that yeah yeah that initial reaction to criticism is so difficult to fight at first as well if you just leap too defensive i've caught i've just found

myself recently i've started just taking pauses with a criticism. And when I just get level headed, you know, it's like even asking for someone to go, oh, can you give me some constructive feedback on that thing I just did? Even if someone says something negative, you're like, okay, I asked them to say that. So let's just pause a second ago. Okay, that's helpful. Good to know. And just that there's so much in that pause.

It's the hardest thing to do, but it's where all, it's where so much of our growth actually is. And I know there's always a moment where I feel I've moved on sufficiently from a way that I was, that it becomes, um,

easy and even enjoyable to talk about. You know how, when we're is in, in a sense, when we're playing mentor to somebody else on something that we know at one point we had to change, it's kind of like, if I take my doing videos five or 10 years ago,

I'll be able to find things in those videos that I did that I no longer do. They might be little ticks. They might be things that I on reflection when i watch them i'm like oh i you know i don't like when i say things like that or i was doing that because i was insecure or whatever and i've worked them out of my speech i speak more effectively well i can look back now and talk about those things because I have some distance from them, because I've already improved them. And that's when we tend to get comfortable talking about our flaws is once we've already improved them. But if we can instead kind of get comfortable

experiencing them now from the point of view of something we have to change, then we can actually do the work that gets us to the improvement quicker. It's the denial of those things, the protracted denial that makes those things take so long to fix in our lives. You just have to remember that the thing that you're embarrassed to admit about yourself today will one day or can one day be the thing that you look back and help someone else learn on because you go, Oh, I was once, I once did that. And I no longer do that. That day can come sooner if we're able to acknowledge those things now. And let's be clear, in 10 years, I plan to, if you take my speaking as an example, I plan to speak far more effectively in 10 years

than I do today. I still look at the way I speak today, and I use this as an example just because speaking is something I think a lot about because it's probably the most fundamental, one of the two or three most fundamental skills in what you and I do, Stephen, is the ability to speak well. But I can look at my speech even today and I'm constantly looking at it going, what are my bad speaking habits? What are the things, you know, if I swear, if I curse, it's not that I have some huge problem with cursing, but if I curse in a sentence where I go, that was, that was just,

it didn't add anything. It was unnecessary. And it comes to think of it, I only said it because I actually wasn't, I didn't have enough belief in that moment in the point I was making, making an impact. So then I swore in front of it because I, I felt like it needed, I needed somehow to grab people's attention with it. In other words, that curse word in that moment was a reflection of the fact that I wasn't believe I wasn't trusting enough in the the ability of the point to make itself without that yeah sometimes I I use too many words and I afterwards I look at it and I go wow I need to learn to be more economical with my words so

I'm always looking at these things and I just think the more we can get comfortable looking at our bad habits and in real time start to make some of those changes, the more we're just going to be amazing as a human being. And the more we're going to be irreplaceable as a partner. Because most people in love are not doing that. Very true. You know what this makes me think of, Matt, is the, I think it's some of the first advice I ever heard from you. I think somebody asked you like, what's your one best piece of relationship advice? And you said, never stop impressing your partner. And I've been, I've been married for like almost three years. And I think there's like a slight addendum to that too,

which is never stop being impressed by your partner. Like never stop seeing those things that, those little things that they're doing as they get to know you. When you're doing all these things, you're working very, you're working with mastery as you become a better speaker. And I think it would suck if I never noticed, because we've been working together for a long time. If I never noticed that you were getting better, it'd be easy to just sit back and say like, okay, yeah, Matt's always been a great speaker. And you can start to take it for granted. But yeah, man have been improving and the same with my relationship with my wife

like i still you need to like be you need to be mindful about paying attention to those great things that person does for you and you have to hope that that person is also doing that for you as well giving you that kind of uh space to grow and and giving you that kind of attention to those little actions and giving you credit well the credit thing and thank you for that jameson that's really lovely i the the credit thing is it matters because as you say it's not just for our benefit that we continue to recognize what's great about our partners. It's so that they can keep connecting to the, to the reward of doing it, of being that thing more. We do, you know, if you think about the good habits we do, part of what drives us in our good habits is the reward. If I make a,

if I go to the gym, I feel good at the end of it. There's a feeling that I want to get at the end of going to the gym, which is that good, that little euphoric feeling of that release of ah i worked out it if we write for an hour we're looking for that feeling of ah i wrote for an hour i feel good i did that difficult thing we complete habits to get the reward at the end of it well are we still giving our partner the the reward from our side yeah for doing those good habits do we still make them feel good for doing those things and i think jameson you just hit on why relationships can deteriorate over time or why they can become stagnant or why over time it can feel like people are trying less. It's because I'm not, you know, when I go on a date and I feel someone reflect back at me, what's impressive about me, that's, that's something that makes you go, oh, that felt good.

You got a hit for being that thing. Yeah, it's that glow. And it's the same when someone gives you some interest or attention. Like if you have a friend who never asks you questions anymore about yourself, you start to notice, like, they don't ever pay any attention to me anymore. They don't ever notice the things I'm doing or care. And that stuff registers with us over time. That's what erodes a relationship

yeah yeah i would go as far as to say i don't even think this is a stretch to say it has to be one of the causes of so many affairs is the desire to be impressive again. The desire to be seen in a new light again. To be seen for the first time again. To dazzle for the first time. And it is, you know, it's why I say relationships are for heroes. Relationships are for heroes because one of the hardest things about a relationship is that it is hard to remain as exciting to your partner as the rest of the world is. Because on one level, you could argue, how do you compete? How do you continue to compete with the world of mystery

when you become over time a completely known quantity? Taking the risk that someone is going to be with you and stay with you, despite the fact that you are becoming a completely known quantity to them and the rest of the world remains this mysterious, exciting thing, is a brave act. It's a heroic act. It takes guts. Because you know what doesn't take guts? Living on the outside all the time. Living on the outside, dipping into someone's life, being mysterious, being exciting, and then disappearing. That doesn't take guts.

Because all I'm relying on for your interest is my mystery. My scarcity. my excitement. Being the person, if you're in a relationship and you have an affair with me, that doesn't take any guts by me. It's easy to be exciting on the outside of a relationship and come in and make someone inside a relationship feel that you're dazzling and exciting and amazing. Because you only have to be there for five minutes. Right? It's like somebody, it's like, you know, Steve, we have nephews, right?

What happens with nephews and nieces? We go home. We get to play with the nephews and nieces for five minutes and they seem like the greatest thing ever. But if we're with them for three hours, you start to go, okay, this is a lot. This is a lot of work. You know, you see the moms and dads of kids

and you're like, oh my God, they're so amazing. They're so adorable. And you love them because you're with them for an hour. And they're like, try being here tonight. Try still being here next week. It's tough. Right? It's easy for my kids to come and make you think they're the most exciting, charming thing in the world for five minutes. right being that's why parenting is heroic right because you don't leave you you stay and you stay through all of the difficult stuff you stay through the bad habits you stay through all of that realness and um and i think that that's one of the most beautiful things about a relationship is that you build something over time that is more exciting than mystery. You build something that is beautiful. You're building beauty. You're in a way you're

valuing beauty over mystery. Yeah. Right. And, and the more you add to it and, and the more you come to accept each other and see each other and bring out the best in each other, the more you're building the beauty of the relationship and valuing that over the mystery and i think that people pay a price in life in general and i know in my past i've paid a price for it for valuing mystery over beauty over true beauty yeah you pay a price for that because you're chasing a drug and you're chasing a drug that can never live up to its promise. We all have to decide whether what we want is a real relationship or a perfect mystery. I love that you guys took this sort of ridiculous practically sarcastic study and turned it into like some of the deepest content I've heard you say before that's our Matthew and and I can see

the beauty in that boy after all these years Matt I still think you're a lovely man well Steve let me just let me just correct you there because as Farah Farah says, it's not a case of that's our Matthew, it's that's our Matthew and Stephen. You, as she says, have made this podcast something more than it was before. And these are the kinds of conversations I think people come for, is you and me discussing these things. While you are here, I want to encourage you, dear listener, to go to the website, askmh.com. Do you have a love life question for me? Is there something going on in your life right now that you would like to ask me about? Do you want to go one step further and not just ask me that question, but be coached by me? Do you want to be part of an intimate circle of people every month that I am coaching in their lives? Now, part of this coaching is in your love life and part of it is

in your love for life. But if you value me as a mentor, if you want to come on a much more practical journey with me than just watching me in a video or listening to me on a podcast, where we actually get to know each other more and you get to be part of an exclusive club of people working on their lives, you can join my Love Life Club. This is a place where I'm coaching people every month in live Q&As. We're part of a community together.

I bring in special guests, friends of mine that I know can teach you something too. And there's all sorts of really amazing masterclasses coming up in the next six months that you get a chance to sign up for the Love Life Club on a free 14 day trial, meaning you can join, try out the webinars, ask a question, be part of the experience, get two weeks of coaching absolutely free while you decide whether to continue. This is a place you can come to genuinely make progress.

And I invite you at the very least to come and try it for yourself. If you don't love it, you can cancel at any time in those 14 days. I think you're going to love it. Go to askmh.com to become a member today for free. And I'll see you in our first members webinar. All right, Steve. Well, before we go, I just want to read a quick review on iTunes from M who says, Matt and Steven, your podcast is not only free therapy, but it has me thinking in such depths. With each new episode, I feel like I grow more as a person. Your podcast simply makes life easier. You have such a kind and intellectual way with your words. If you guys don't have me talking along with you, then you have me laughing out loud on my walks home or in the gym. I

appreciate your work. Thank you so much, Em, and to anyone else out there who is thinking of leaving a review, or if you're just having a nice thought about the podcast, please come leave it as a review on iTunes. We are reading them, and each episode, we'll read a new one to show our appreciation for you our listeners we love you guys we appreciate you and steven i appreciate you i love you i love you too brother we'll see you in the next episode Outro Music