Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 147: What Guys Really Think About Your Insecurity

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

Matt and Stephen talk about an email from a listener who feels like he dates women who self-sabotage the relationship with their insecurity.  We discuss what really kills attraction, who is at fault when someone gets insecure, and what it means to feel safe to bring up your fears and vulnerability in a relationship. Also, someone changed Jameson's Netflix username to "Lord Fart"... --- Book your spot on our virtual retreat on March 18th-20th! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey

So Matt, so matt did you actually change my netflix name to lord fart on my account i got a text from my wife with a an image of i don't know what character is from some white haired magician looking man as a profile picture and the name under it said lord fart and my wife says who has access to our netflix account and has changed your username from jameson to lord fart and what did you say to your wife after 45 45 minutes of explaining that it wasn't an ex-girlfriend. You had a massive argument. No, we didn't. But I didn't know. And I was like, oh God, is it my friend Kevin? Is it my old roommate Cassie? Is it, I ran through dozens of people who I've given this password to. Right. Did she? So did she actually think like this is sort of a scorned ex-girlfriend who's trying to

get back at you by changing the picture of your profile on a Netflix account to a character from Cowboy Bebop? Not that I know anything about that, but changing the character, the profile picture and changing your name to Lord Fart. Did she think it was an ex trying to create? To be fair, she did not. But my immediate thought was, is that what she's thinking? I don't know.

It was a big theory of mind sort of hall of mirrors as I was trying to figure it out. Right. And without thinking too much about it, I went in and just changed my password. And then I looked at it one more time. And I saw it. I said, Lord Fart. Oh, that's Matthew Hussey. So it caused quite a stir.

It was a whole evening of excitement. That's wonderful. I mean, it was a whole evening of excitement over at our house too I mean literally me and me and my girlfriend we were in bed and we were we were gonna watch a little show and then do you know what annoyed me it started from being a bit annoyed because it was logged into your netflix and here's the thing we've got two different tvs that we watch in the house and one of them's logged into my netflix and the other one's logged into your netflix and what that means is when we're watching a series and we sort of fall asleep halfway through a show

it means that if we start up again on the other tv it's never in the right place because we're on a different netflix so i got annoyed that it was logged into your account because who wants to log out of a netflix figure out what your password is and log back in again so i just thought right let's log out of jameson's and then it suddenly occurred to us that we had access to your netflix so we thought what sort of mind game can we play and i'll tell you this jay we i say we i i had several more offensive names before Lord Fart, but my girlfriend vetoed all of them. And, uh, I, I had, I, once I got to Lord Fart, she approved it. Well, she's clearly a woman, a woman of exquisite taste.

And what's amazing about this, uh, is, I mean, you did this on some little like Sony controller and everyone knows that is impossible. Like how the amount of effort and patience that takes to scroll to each letter individually. I'll tell you this. It would have been easier to log out of Netflix and log back in again and put in my password. But it was so, once it was about causing some sort of mind game with you, it immediately became immensely enjoyable. And we sat there, I'll tell you this, Jay, we sat there just laughing for a good couple of minutes afterwards, just wondering when you'd come across it. Well, and you know what's the real truth of this that relates to Steve is truthfully, the very first name that came to my mind when I read it

was, how does Steve have access to my Netflix account? So you went, if it's something as childish as Lord Fart, it must be Stephen. He has an amazing ability with nicknames, first of all. Yeah, it's like Oscar Wilde over here. So you said if it's as witty as Lord Fart, it could only be Stephen. He said, babe, if it's this good. And do you know what really tickled us about it?

Is that the rest of your family members also have profiles on your Netflix. So you're rumbled. Everyone's everyone's signing in. He's got one Netflix for a family of 20 and they're all got profiles on there. And I just imagined all of them just going and watch Netflix and just wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Well, thanks for keeping it fresh and exciting over here. What do we got planned

for today, guys? Well, we got a DM. Hold on. Are we seriously in the show? What? Are we seriously in the show? Steve, yes. Oh my God. What? Are we seriously in the show? Steve, yes. Oh, my God.

What? You're not happy with this? Isn't that highbrow enough for you? Sorry, what? This is, for an old Oxonian, this isn't good enough for you. This isn't of the standards of someone who's got a doctorate from Oxford University. I mean, it is interesting. You think how far you've sunk from a doctorate.

You're a doctor from Oxford University who studied political philosophy. Then imagine the people you've been around, Steve. I mean, you have been around some of the upper echelons of society. You've been around the brightest people from all swaths of society, all nationalities, people, some of the most learned people in the world you've studied under and stood side by side with as peers. And here you find yourself on a podcast, the first 10 minutes of which is about me changing Jameson's

jameson's netflix account to lord fart you're right it is interesting it's uh you know it's a diverse crowd i keep yeah yeah well thanks for stooping uh thanks for slumming it with us non-intellectuals for a few minutes no no to grace us with your presence good to see what the other side are doing um what do you think what do you think in today then well we got sent a message in the dms last time i said we got sent a letter steve you called me out on it making sure that everyone knew that no one was penning us actual letters um and uh it's from a man and i read it and i instantly thought this is this is a really interesting message both from the point of view of understanding more about male psychology and also to bring up some really interesting

thoughts around attraction and what are the attraction builders in early dating and what are some of the attraction killers in early dating and so i'll read you what this man said steve i'm not going to reveal his name because you know we i want everyone to know when you send in a DM anywhere on Instagram or on social media, I do want everyone to know that we do, those are private as far as I'm concerned. So we're like, Steve, consider us right now like a doctor who's bringing up a case study of a patient, but without in any way naming the patient or any identifying details about the patient well as you alluded to i am a doctor matt so so is this okay with you this is fine it's fine

with me yeah this checks out this doesn't uh this won't get me struck off okay what's we're not breaking the i was gonna say hippocratic but i was looking for a pun in real time, like Hassocratic oath. Go on. Sorry, Steve. So here's what he says. Hey brother, would love to ask you a question as it seems recurring. Women I date often end up being insecure and ask themselves, and ultimately me, why me? And they have fears of me outgrowing them and leaving them. And to me, it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy, since their doubts and insecurities end up causing issues. Whereas had they been confident in us, risk of breakup would be much lower. Since you coach women, what do you say to them so that they put on their crown versus looking for reasons that I'd

abandoned them and self-sabotage. What do you think, Steve? I think this brings up some very interesting issues. Yeah, that's super interesting. I think instinctively, I want to defend this guy in that he can easily sound arrogant with that message of saying, when women date me, they get so insecure and i imagine some people will respond that way but i do think he brings up something very real that people will have experienced which is the feeling that your perception of someone changes according to how confident they are in their value you can have someone that you think is really great and has all wonderful qualities but you will be affected by the things they say about themselves but what about what about the notion that when someone is right for you you should be able to be

who you are and you should be able to just be yourself and if yourself right now is someone who has insecurities which of course we all do if you're someone who has certain anxieties, if you're someone who feels a little unsure in the relationship or needs some reassurance, doesn't that fit into the category of just being yourself? Shouldn't you be able to be those things knowing that if it's the right person, they will be able to handle that and understand that. What do you think? Well, we have discussed this issue of talking about your insecurities. I think frequency really matters. How much you are bringing insecurity to the table.

Everything has a place on the table. There's a lot of furniture in the room of our personalities. There's those things I love. They're my passions. There's the parts where I'm a little arrogant about myself. There's parts where I'm insecure about myself and I wonder if I'm enough. But how big is the piece of furniture that is the insecurity? Is that the centerpiece of the room is that the thing you are putting on the table all the time i think that makes a big difference now the only thing the thing i will say given what the guy says in his message it is possible if i'm looking at it from the other angle that he says they always worry i'm going to abandon them or they worry you know do you want to stay with me or i'm going to outgrow

them or leave them it is possible if a guy is not in the stage of his life where he is really ready to commit on a deeper level, he could be subconsciously giving out signals that he isn't someone who plans to stay put. Because maybe deep down he isn't ready yet. And then they feel

that he's not quite secure. They don't feel secure in the relationship because he might be making them't feel secure in the relationship because he might be making them not feel secure in the relationship and they might be rather intelligently picking up on that. And then he's like, why are you acting insecure? And it becomes a fulfilling prophecy in that way.

So it is possible this guy's not fully ready for commitment yet and is looking for reasons, if you know what i mean well there is a bit of a chicken egg thing in in safety and confidence in early relationships if you know can we say generically that confidence is attractive, confidence is sexy? I think we can. There is something inherently attractive about somebody who has a sense of their worth. And of course, that worth translates to what someone does and doesn't put up with.

That sense of worth translates to how expressive they are willing to be in the relationship, how bold they are willing to be in speaking up about what they believe or what they would like. Or it can even show up in the form of demonstrating interest. It can also show up in the form of reducing interest and attention in someone if you don't feel you're getting what you need out of the situation. But we can say that confidence has a kind of mass appeal. Now, the irony is that the time that we often feel the most confident is when we feel the most safe. So this is the chicken egg part. Because when we're with someone and we feel safe, when we feel certain of the fact that they really like us, that they want it to go somewhere, then our confidence starts to increase. And as our confidence increases,

so does our expressiveness. So does our sex appeal. So does our playfulness. You can always notice when you're too nervous on a date, when you're too nervous with somebody, your playfulness often goes out the window because you're so stuck in your head, worrying, anxious, censoring yourself and everything you say that playfulness is a hard state to get into. And yet that playful, teasing, fun state is one of the most attractive states we can access. Hard to access when you don't feel safe. So if we're with someone that is something they're doing, it might be something they're doing consciously, or it might just be something they are. If it's making us feel unsafe, then it's actually hard to bring our most confident selves to the table. Now, does that mean that it's someone's responsibility to make us feel safe in early

dating so that we can bring our most confident selves to the table? Well, that's problematic, isn't it? Because how can they make you feel safe when they're still learning about you and figuring out how serious this relationship really is? It's hard for someone to make you feel safe when they're still deciding. The two are opposing ideas, aren't they? Yeah. I'm still choosing you, but you're safe. These ideas are in conflict and so that makes it hard for someone to make you feel safe so that you can be confident

so we might say, there's different ways into this as a conversation. You could say, to what extent is the onus on us to bring our most confident selves to the table or to bring a bold, confident us to the table in the early stages. Because if we don't, and this is the part that feels slightly paradoxical, if we don't, they may never get as attracted to us as they could be for them to get sure. If we bring, if we run the experiment of, because look, do we want to be our best on every single day? No, because we want someone who can handle us as different versions of ourselves, right? Now we try to bring our best as many times in early dating, because why would I want to, if I, if I'm seeing you once every two weeks, or if I'm seeing you once every week or twice every week, probably better that I try to save

the worst version of myself for a time when I'm not on the date with you. And that's the only interaction you have with me this week is that time we're on a date. It would be a bad time to bring our worst selves to the table. But over time, as we get to know someone, we don't want to have to be our best every single day. For sure. By the same token, would anyone want any of us if we were our worst every single day? If we run that experiment, think of you, Steve, on your worst day, me on my worst day, Jameson on his worst day. What kind of person would that be to have a relationship with? Would any of us expect someone else to be able to have a happy functioning relationship with us if we were

our worst every day? I don't know a person who could say yes to that. So what that means is when we say the right relationship is one where you can be yourself, that's a little bit of an oversimplification, isn't it? That should come with a parenthetical caveat that is, but yourself has to be a healthy balance between your best and your worst self. Yourself can't be defined as who you are on your worst day every day so what's interesting to me about this is that there is in any relationship even in the best relationships a kind of before and after moment. Before someone likes you enough that you are safe with them. And after someone likes you enough that you're safe with them. Now we can't say to ourselves, my best is only going to come out after I feel safe because they like me enough that I'm secure. We can't do that because if we do that, then they'll never actually get to like us. The chances of them getting to like us enough for us to be secure in the relationship are really slim. We have to draw from a different place in our confidence prior to the time of someone making us feel secure in the relationship itself. In other words, before we're secure in the relationship,

we have to draw from being secure in ourselves. Now, once we cross the line of someone really likes us and they feel sure about us and they feel sure that they really want to give this a good try or that they do want to be in a relationship with us or that they do want to marry us or whatever the stage you're talking about. The effect of someone feeling sure about you only enhances your sense of, oh wow, I can really just be me in this relationship. I feel accepted. I feel like increasingly I can just bring more and more parts of me to this because I truly feel safe in the knowledge that I'm no longer in that stage of dating this person where I am having to think about constantly bringing my best to the table. We have enough connection, not by the way, we should always want to bring our best to the table, but we all know there's a point in a relationship with somebody, or there's a point in, in, in your connection with somebody where the bond between you gets strong enough that it can begin to handle you in all of your variety.

It can handle your different moods. It can handle you on days where you're not, you don't feel good because someone's calculation that they're doing in their head is, well, I don't care that you're not being great today. Like you, I love you. You know, I have chosen you. We're building something. We have an amazing connection. I know how amazing you are the rest of the time. Now, of course, we don't want to have those days every day because that's not fair to our partner. And over time, that will erode what you have built if you do that. But it's not like an impression anymore. Your bad day isn't suddenly going to flip someone's estimation of whether they should be continuing this. The negative change is much slower

because what you've built up is much more grounded and much more rooted and much deeper. So to pull this back, if I take this gentleman's question, I, I see this from a couple of different angles. Everything I've just said is just, I suppose, a kind of framing up of early dating versus once you're deeper into it with somebody. And I do think that in the early stages, we have to make ourselves responsible for our confidence. We cannot, at that point, we can't draw on the certainty someone else has about us. We can draw on the certainty of what value we bring. We can draw on the certainty of what we are looking for. And the knowledge that I'm worthy of a great relationship.

I'm worthy of good treatment. I'm worthy of respect and love. And if what this person is giving me does not live up to what I'm worthy of, then I will leave. That's where my certainty comes from in those stages. It's not you making me feel safe. It's actually the knowledge that I can walk away if you don't make me feel safe over time. I can walk away if I don't feel respected by you. I can walk away if I don't feel like you see me as a wonderful person. And that to me, I look at what some of the people that this guy has dated, uh, have been through. And the, I think to myself, you know, the confident person doesn't say, I'm scared you'll outgrow me. Now, by the way, any of us could say that at some point in our lives, isn't it? There are, we all have those moments. We all have those moments where we're afraid, you know, we're afraid someone's going slow, slow, slow, slow, slow. And now it's a rocket ship and we suddenly get scared.

There's a part, a deep part of us that gets triggered. But if you think of the most confident version of a person, that part doesn't say, I'm afraid you'll outgrow me. That person is simply checking in with their own needs and saying, is this person I'm with who is impressive and has lots going on in their life, who is growing or who is achieving, who seems to be meeting some external indicators of success, is this person still meeting my needs? That's what the confident person says. And the confident person communicates with that person if they feel that in everything

that's going on for that person, their needs are no longer being met. I think that's right. Yeah. I think that's the, it's the difference in the perspective there. The, the unconfident person just gets their reaction to anyone else's success or their partner, you know, expanding in certain ways is just fear of, what does this mean about me? What does it mean about my value? And if you already see yourself as having intrinsic value

and you know, I am a great partner, it's not about what I have or my external markers. I deserve a level of treatment. I deserve a level of treatment. I deserve a level of affection. Like you say, the conversation just becomes, you know, your most confident version of yourself. When you're at your best, when you're loving life, when you feel good in yourself,

you see someone else in your life doing well and you're like, hey, that's great. Good for you. That's how you feel. You don't feel that reactive, instinctive sense of like, oh no, I'm nothing. You just go, hey, awesome. Like I'm having a good time. You and as a result gives less attention to the friendship, you can go and spend more time with the other friends. Yes. In a romantic relationship, we are in some way. We have needs that can only be met by them yes and and so if they are suddenly less available over a period of time that becomes significant then it still becomes about being confident

enough to communicate i'm extremely happy for you and I support you and I'm proud of you. But I also feel like I'm getting lost in the mix here. I also feel like some of the needs that I have aren't getting, aren't nourished right now. And I want us to talk about it, to figure out how I can support you in what you're doing, but how I can also feel like I am, you know, you're there for me in the ways I need you to be there for me in a relationship. Yeah. If someone is starving you of your needs, it doesn't matter how confident you are that you deserve to be fed they're just not feeding you right right and it doesn't matter how caught you might know

you're worthy of being fed by that person but they're starving you of your needs right now and that's the that's the distinction that everyone has to make is that me having needs is an insecurity. Yes. What I need to make sure is that I am translating that fact to someone in a way that is not about, it's not coming from a fear based place. It's coming from a place of strength here's what i need from you i love that you're doing well i love that you're happy i love that things are taking off for you here's what i need to feel loved in this relationship and to feel like our relationship is also a priority. All right. That's, that's the distinction because if let's, let's go to the male mind for a moment. One of a few things can be happening with this guy. Let's explore them.

What's up guys. I hope you're enjoying today's subject. Before you go any further, I just want to let you know today's content is a lot about what someone is thinking and we have a free guide which shows you why someone who is either fading out of your life, someone whose attention you had but is now kind of pulling away or someone who disappeared altogether may be doing that. It helps you understand the psychology in someone's mind. And of course, understanding that psychology can be key to winning that attention back or doing something different next time. If you want to go and learn more about that, go to whyhe'sgone.com,

where we talk about the big reasons that someone who once gave you attention may have disappeared. Now, of course, this isn't aimed at the situations where someone disappeared for their own reasons. There's always going to be those people. It's aimed at the situations where maybe there's something that you want to take on board that you could work on for next time, or even something you could do about the situation this time. So go to whyhe'sgone.com to learn more about that. It's a completely free guide that you can be reading in the next 60 seconds. It could be that this guy has big ambitions and what he wants is someone who can support those ambitions. What he wants is someone who shows up somebody is kind of in some way dragging their heels, or when he sees that they're saying, I'm scared, you'll outgrow me.

A couple of things happen. On one hand, he thinks to himself, this is going to slow me down and it's going to stop me from achieving everything I want to achieve because I'm really excited about these things I'm doing. And it's going to create a real complication in my life. If there's someone who every step of the way, I have to continuously go out of my way to reassure, to make comfortable and to continuously tell them that I'm not going to leave them. Right. In the process. And I've, I'll confess I've had that fear before as a man. I've had that fear of, I, Oh no, I've, I've got to support someone else now who feels that, you know, who feels constantly afraid that I'm going to outgrow them or I'm going to, you know, get to a level that I'm going to abandon them. And that can be us catastrophize is not the comment in the moment.

It's the trajectory of the life that we project forward with this person, with them doing that over and over again over the years and as he puts it you're not thinking you know in a relationship the danger is that when we say to someone i'm i'm scared or you know and they receive the message that you don't support me you don't want what's best for me every time i i get some modicum of success or progress i'm not going to be met with excitement i'm going to be met with fear we don't hear you're afraid right now in this moment we receive it as you've ruined my life because we're thinking of how this is going to affect us forever not yeah how it's affecting us right now in the moment it's like you're trying to thwart my dreams and and my dream i'm always

going to be slowed down by this i'm always going to have hard conversations around this it's never going to go away and and by the way that's we have to be we all have to be careful of that because that stops us addressing something in the moment yeah it gets complicated because uh you know there's different that people can heal in relationships but then you've got the robert green point of view that no one does anything once you know robert robert green's what i've've heard Robert Green say is if someone does something once, you're not seeing something once that's something they do. Right now, I happen to agree with that and disagree at the same time. I think it's a profoundly important thought in understanding that what you're seeing in someone is likely not an isolated incident. It's a pattern, but patterns can change and people can heal. So we have to be careful. Um,

if, if, if we applied that to every little thing that someone did in early dating, we might actually never get to the point of, of being with anybody. Um, so the, and I suppose what he would say is, no, you just have to make sure that what you're seeing, the patterns you don't like, or the thing you don't like that you've seen is something you could tolerate long-term, uh, and make your peace with. I still think that there's some room for healing in relationships. And that's one of the most beautiful things about a relationship, but back to the male mind, he's thinking you don't support me, and this is always going to be a problem anytime I achieve anything. It's also laborious that I have to reassure you every single time you bring this up.

So now he could be thinking, this is really a lot of work that I have to constantly reassure you. And if you take the Seth Godin approach to reassurance, I'm quoting a lot of people today, Jameson. If you take the Seth Godin approach to reassurance, it's that reassurance doesn't work. It's never enough. So you, one cannot base their own confidence on reassurance because reassurance doesn't work. Uh, you, you get reassured, you feel good for an hour and then you need more reassurance. Uh, and instinctively we can get that feeling when someone we're with needs reassurance, is that there's more reassurance that's going to be needed again and again and again, right? Which that creates that catastrophizing again. Now, add in a third thing. So we have, you're never going to support me based on the way you're treating me right now. This is going to be a lot of work to constantly reassure you. And lastly, you are at your sexiest when you're confident and right now you're not being confident. so now what he's saying is in this moment when they do what he's saying is when the women i date

do that it's a turnoff i want them to as he put it put on their crown and be this person that i got attracted to in the first place or perhaps if we wanted to be a bit more cynical this person i imagined this person to be i want them to be that but they're not being that well and look like men men well when men and women we want to feel like we're with someone who is desirable and if you communicate you don't feel desirable or you feel lesser it can implant a thought in someone's head of thinking well i thought they were a catch but they seem to think that maybe they're not a catch and there's this quote it's by an anonymous person i think but it says if you only place a small value upon yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price. Right. And if you, you know, not that people are

a number, but it's like, if you are tagging yourself as I'm lowering what I think my value is, then someone else might think, well, maybe they're telling me that they think I'm way, I'm too good for them. And they're saying that all the time. And, you know, that becomes perception, right? Perception becomes reality. And we want to feel like we're with someone. It's not that we want to feel like we're with someone it's it's not that we want to feel like we're with a perfectly confident supremely totally adjusted person like you say someone can bring you stuff and say that really hurt me when you said that or i felt really uncomfortable that made me feel you know i felt that was really uh upsetting but if you think fundamentally this person feels like deep down they feel like they're worth a lot and they're gonna you see that in the way they act that's what you pay attention to now

i want to address these three things that that go through you know his mind in this moment when she says, I'm worried you're going to outgrow me. And that what that's telegraphing is I somehow feel like you're, I'm not good enough for you or that I'm not going to hold your attention or that when you've achieved this next level of success, you're going to want someone else who's not me. That's what he might be thinking. But let's talk about what someone who's ready for a real relationship does in those moments.

Because this is where either this gentleman or anyone in his shoes has to take responsibility. You have to start from the point of view of saying, okay, someone is feeling something. All I know is how that's manifesting itself right now. I don't know where it's coming from and I don't know what the intention behind it is. So when I immediately go, if this gentleman immediately goes to, I don't feel supported, that doesn't mean that her intention is not to support him. It might just mean she's scared.

Now, we have to explore why she's scared. It's possible she's scared because she's been in a situation in the past where someone she was with, she supported to an incredible degree, and then all of a sudden they broke up with her once they got successful by some external standard it might be that she's scared because he's already showing signs that there are other things that are much more important than her and is not making her feel like she's in any way a priority. Absolutely.

That's why I say people can subconsciously pick up on those signals. That's right. because in everything that he has telegraphed to her, what he has shown is that what he values most in life is success by external standards. And if you show someone that that's the thing you value the most, that creates an inherent insecurity. Not because somebody is insecure necessarily, but because they see that what you value isn't something that they can achieve. In other words, if you value the prettiest person in the room, if that's ultimately where you place the most value, I've already lost. Whether today or next week or three years from now, I've already lost whether today or next week or three years from now I've already lost

because you will find someone with better symmetry than me mm-hmm so if that's what I know you value the most I've lost if what you value the most in life is always, always outdoing yourself, always achieving the next level. And I see you apply that to everything in your life. Then I, what I see is that for you getting to the next level might not just be something that's true for your business. It might be true for the people in your life. And maybe I even see that in the way that you are with relationships. Maybe I see that the friends you had yesterday are no longer interesting to you. You've replaced them all with people with money or more success or more connections or people at fancier parties. And so what I'm

learning from you is that it's not about me supporting you. It's about me keeping up with you in all of the ways you think someone should. And I'm never going to keep up with you in all of those ways because that also assumes that we have the same definition of what success is he also might be the type who values his value might be unrealistic it might be someone can't bring me any drama or problems ever And so you're never going to live up to that because the moment you have a problem or an issue, a worry, an insecurity, he goes, oh my God, drama, problems. Let's go through these one by one because what you said is very interesting, but I think it relates to the third category. So one by one, if this gentleman is ready for a relationship Let's see how the each of these would be addressed He suddenly gets in his mind the fear not fear. Number one. You're not supporting me

Now he has to get to the bottom of her intentions so that's a conversation it's not a cut and run moment It's a let me understand more about where this is coming from for you. So you feel you're worried you'll outgrow me. Oh my God, that's absolutely not true. Because it's not about my, my commercial success. Doesn't change anything about your value in my life. Because your value to me doesn't come from that. This is why part of the confidence on her part is understanding what unique value she brings. If you haven't understood in a relationship your unique value,

you will think that someone is just going to outgrow you if they achieve anything. Because what you're thinking is, my value, it just exists in relation to where they are now. But it's not that. If you know going in, here's my unique value. I am incredibly thoughtful. I am incredibly kind. I am someone who is a wonderful lover. I am someone who goes out of my way for the people I love. I am incredibly loyal. I am great in conversation. You know, I'm always going to be money. That doesn't change your value. that everyone understands that life and human value are only external success or because you believe that the things that are valuable are only external success? And so that's become an insecurity for you. So what he can do in this moment, what she can do

is show, I know my value is much more interesting than just whether I keep up with you on an external achievement level. What he can do is show her that's true. Show her that he values her for much more interesting and complex reasons than whether she keeps up with him commercially, financially, in terms of external achievement. The second thing that goes through his head when I said he's worried that he's going to have to constantly reassure is he can be honest with her and saying, I want to go out of my way to make you, I want you to know how attracted to you I am. And by the way, you know, and by the way, just to, just to jump back one step into column, into the first one, if he's worried, she's not supporting him. He can say to her, Hey, I'm, I'm, I want you to know that your value doesn't come from that for me. I, I really care about you or like you or love you for much more complex reasons than what you're making it about. Me being more successful doesn't make you less valuable to me, my God.

Because it has nothing to do with that. I love you for these reasons that don't change when something happens in my life. I still need that in my life just as much when I become, when I get more or have more or whatever. I still need what you bring to my life just as much as ever. But when you say that, sometimes it feels like I get a bit nervous because I feel like you're not supporting me and your support means a lot to me because we're teammates. Like we're one team. I don't want us to be two people who in some weird way are competing with each other. You and me are a team. We're doing, you know, as far as I'm concerned, we're on this path together. Right? So that's how he can help her.

Now in the second one, he's, he's worried he's going to have to constantly reassure her. Well, firstly, reassuring isn't such a bad thing. Reassuring someone you care about is not an evil. And secondly, he can say to her, Hey, I absolutely, when you're feeling, when you're not feeling like the, you know, the most confident version of yourself or when you're questioning yourself, I don't, I don't want for me to be the only thing that makes you feel good because I know how wonderful you are, but I want you to know how wonderful you are. I want you to believe that. And, and I think it's important in addition to me telling you that, that you do the things that you need to do to feel great, you know, and I'll support you by, if there's something that's helped me over time, if it's a book or

a podcast or something that's helped me, I want to support you by like, I want you to check that out too. Here's a book I've read that really helped me in this area. Here's something I did. Here's someone I saw for help. I want to support you in that but I I want that to be a team effort I want your confidence to be a team effort not just something that that is up to me to give you because it's about both of us making you feel as confident as can be and then the the third one, when he says, you know, when he alludes to the fact that it's not attractive, that over time will be true.

If it's too burdensome, too much. If he does number one and number two in everything I just said, and she keeps doing it over time, then that will be unattractive. And frankly, it can get to the point where it's her not other by bringing our best to the table. And if I'm only sourcing my best through you, then I'm actually not honoring my side of the bargain in this relationship. So over time, it will become attractive. However, however, from his side, and this is true of all of us, men and women, and I want, you know, if this gentleman is listening, I want you to understand, my friend, that everything I'm saying here, I really appreciate what you sent in because I think it's somewhere we've all been in some way like every one of us has had an experience like this in some way or frankly we've been on the receiving end of it where we've been the ones feeling insecure and afraid that someone's going to outgrow us so i want to say thank you for for giving us this topic of discussion because

it's super important uh and none of what i'm saying here is said with any judgment, just love. When you allude to it being unattractive, one of the things we all have to do in that moment, because it's possible for all of us. All of us can be in a situation where someone revealing something that could be perceived as weakness has an impact on attraction. And some of us don't experience that today in our relationship, but you could have experienced it in the past. What we have to do in that moment is practice a little humility and remind ourselves that while I am at best seeing this weakness as unattractive or at worst harboring contempt for someone for this weakness. I need to remind myself that if I'm truly being my most vulnerable self, there's a whole lot of weakness in me. There is a whole lot I am self-conscious about. There is a whole lot that if I were to truly be honest

with this person and risk being seen, that I would hope and need them to accept about me. That I myself am going to have to do a lot of healing in the right relationship. And I hope that in my healing, someone sticks around for me. I hope that when I reveal a weakness, when I reveal an insecurity, when I come home having had nothing but a winning streak for the last three months, and then all of a sudden I get a dreadful rejection or a knock to my reputation

or something that's shameful or something that's hurtful or something that makes me insecure. I hope that this person doesn't use it as ammunition to suddenly view me as less, that they just view it as an opportunity to receive me in all my complexity and and to work with me on on healing that's what a real relationship is we're going to need that from somebody else so we need to be very careful about the ways that we immediately perceive somebody else's insecurity as weakness and as unattractive. God forbid they do the same thing to us. So that's the compassionate part of it is showing up for them in the way that we would hope they would show up for us if we were to truly be vulnerable about something we're insecure about because men i got i gotta tell you like we're not good at this part when we don't like weakness in

somebody else a lot of that is just how it shows just how uncomfortable we are with weakness in ourselves we are not good at this it is not a skill set of our gender, a natural one anyway. We are not good at talking about something that makes us feel, you know, Steve, I'll give you an example. This is a little honest, a little raw, and it makes me uncomfortable to say it, but you know, I was with my girlfriend recently and there was an Instagram video that she put up of us when we were out and it was like a, I guess it was a nine or a 10 second video. And, uh, she had cut it at like five or six seconds in.

And I got, when I saw it, it was like a really nice video that she'd put up on her stories on Instagram. But I thought when she put it up, she cut it because I looked kind of dorky at the end of the video. And I was like, maybe she just felt like I looked a bit stupid at the end of the video. Like that went through my head. It was like old shit. Right. It's like,

it was like some, I don't know where it came from. It was like some throwback moment. It was like, I felt like I was in school again and, and had that fear of, oh, I didn't feel cool in that moment. And I remember in that moment saying to her, how come you cut the video? And she said, oh, I just thought it was better shorter. And I said, uh, okay. And I didn't say anything else. That's such a passive aggressive Matthew.

Okay. That you just said that. Right. Well, that's, that's pretty accurate to how it sounded. And I, and I just left it. And I stewed on it. Like I, I had this feeling in my stomach. And in my head, I was like, oh, she did think that she did think I looked kind of stupid, but she just didn't, she didn't want to say that to me. So she just said that she

felt like it was better shorter. And I, I stewed on this until later in the day. Like I put it, I put it to one side. I didn't, I didn't have a terrible day focusing on that, but I just kind of like, I couldn't bring myself to be honest and just say, I feel like you cut that video. Cause I looked kind of stupid in it because in my head, there's still old and you know she is always the one of the ways that i've healed in this relationship is that i used to fear being vulnerable on that level and clearly i'm still working on it right but i used to truly like never want to be vulnerable on a level like that because i was just afraid why i'm going to be less attractive this is going to make me sound less attractive less sure of myself this is going to make me feel seem less bold

and that's going to make me less attractive and one of the things that she has done for me in this relationship is every every time i have been vulnerable it has only made our relationship stronger there's never been a hint of and now i now i like you less now i'm less attracted to you. Now I see you as less of a man. There's never been a hint of that. It's just, everything has just revealed more about her or me in a beautiful way. And that's been unbelievably healing for me as a man but I had a moment of like a you know like the the demon came back right you know I shouldn't say that that's too you know that's that's not I don't want to say that and so I just stewed on it and I got quiet and she knew something was wrong but I couldn't say what was wrong because I didn't know how to say that.

And you know, that horrible feeling of with every minute that passes, there's more and more distance between the moment for saying it casually is over. It's now, now it's now, if you say it half an hour, an hour later, it's really a thing because you're like, someone's like, wait, you've been thinking about this for an hour. Yeah. And if you leave it a day, God forbid the moment for being like, Oh, you're going to the moment for right. As it happens being like, you're going to think this is so silly. I thought I looked a little dorky in that video and that's why you cut it. Yeah. That moment has passed. the not a big deal window was closed correct so now i definitely can't say anything now what now it's ridiculous now it's absurd that i'm

mentioning this hours later so i just did what men do i buried it steven i buried it deep until that evening get out the old shovel and start digging the day passes and um ah there you are childhood humiliation from school what were you doing in that pit? I haven't dug up this pit for ages. Oh. So at the end of the day, and I can't even remember. Oh, that was it. We got to the end of the day and I had it had been one of those days Steve where from the moment you wake up it seems destined to be a shitty day

I woke up I had a headache when I woke up I woke up a little later than i wanted to i felt like i was already behind in my day we then had that argument about the video except she didn't even know we'd had an argument it just happened all in my head and then there were a series of other things that happened in the day but But put it this way, the day didn't get much better. And then towards the end of the day, I ended up talking about the fact that I'd had a shitty day. And she was so loving about my shitty day, and so kind, and so compassionate. And then she said something to me along the lines of, you know, whenever I get to know you more, or whenever i learn more about you i just love you

more and this it was like this little part of me started like from the depths came up and went you should say that thing from this morning i weaved my pants once at school no that was the wrong trauma i said the wrong one no wait something else so i i thought just say it just say the thing from this morning she said it she said she loves you more the more you know when she knows things and she you're open it only makes her love you more it was like a little like this voice inside screaming just say it and i said you want to hear something ridiculous i said you know this morning when I asked you about the video and she had this sort of look on her face as if to say, I knew there was more to this. I knew that this, this had to have been more because she knows me. She knows that I was just completely quiet.

And I went, well, in truth, I, you know, I was kind of hurt that, you know, I felt like you cut off the video because I looked kind of stupid in the end of the video and it turns out that there was a thing that she didn't like about herself in the video and so she had cut it short because there was something she didn't like about herself. Right. I had been stewing about the fact that I thought like, you know, what's the, if you really track it, like those demons in our mind, it's the, you know, I looked stupid in that video. And cause I look stupid, you had to cut me, cut that bit off. And you cut that bit off because deep down, you don't accept every part of me. You just accept the cool part of me. And I'll never be that guy all of the time. So really what's happening is

you're not accepting me and you really don't love me in my entirety. And that means that one day it means that I'm inherently unlovable in my entirety and one day you could leave me because you realize that i'm just not everything that i'm supposed to be just another monday and so it turns out it was just about something she didn't like for herself in that video. And so she cut it. But none of that is the point.

The point is, when that happened, it was the best like she was so loving and so kind and by the way here's what she didn't do she didn't say baby that's so silly oh my god That's so adorable and cute. It was such a cute, adorable, weak little man. She didn't do that. She said, I love you so much. Everything I learn about you just makes you more attractive to me. And I had that feeling of complete safety, the feeling that the women that this gentleman has been dating are craving, right? That desire for safety, that desire to be truly accepted, because that's what they want. The women that are dating that man what they want to feel is i'm enough for you that you accept me

and that what i am who i am is enough and that it's not going to become not enough because of something that happens in your life i am safe that's the feeling and that's the feeling we all want and by the way that's the feeling. And that's the feeling we all want. And by the way, that's the feeling he wants. And so part of, I believe what happens to us as men is that we find it really hard to accept weakness in ourselves. And we find it even harder to reveal it. And there's all sorts of reasons we can, things we can attribute that to,

which is a cause for a whole other love life episode. But men find it extraordinarily difficult as in general to reveal those kinds of deep wounds and things they struggle with and ways they don't feel enough and when you deny those parts of yourself it can have the awful effect of reducing our compassion for those things in other people. Because when we accept those things about ourself, and then we find ourselves with somebody else who demonstrates that kind of a flaw or insecurity, we can find love for those parts because you can think, oh, that's just like how I feel in other moments. And by the way, the way you feel it and how you feel it may not be about the same thing as I feel it about in me. It might be something different, but I can draw a line between the ways you sometimes don't feel enough in the way that

I sometimes don't feel enough. They may be completely different areas, but I can see, I can see me in you. And, and when you recognize that, and when you're able to, to have love for that part of yourself, because for all of, for all of what I've just said in, in that story, I of my life with that Matthew. That is a Matthew. I can tell you many more stories about from high school and moments where I was embarrassed or ashamed or scared or humiliated or didn't feel enough on a profound excruciating level that no one would have known about because it was all in my head. It was all internal and I never spoke about it, but, but I can love that, that kid. I can love that, that teenager. I can love that, that little boy. And that's who paid me a visit the other day.

And loving that, that boy in me is the key to loving that little girl in my girlfriend when she pays her a visit or for any of us in our partner, when our partner's wounds pay them a visit, we can love that person, that part of them, because we've learned to love it in ourselves. So I'm not saying all of this as a way to say that our job is always to heal the person we're dating. I'm not saying that. If we are with someone who, despite our compassion, despite our good communication, despite our acceptance,

takes no responsibility for accepting themselves or for loving themselves or for building themselves, then you now have a relationship that is imbalanced. Not because one person is worth more than the other, but because one person is willing to take responsibility for how they feel and the other one isn't. And that's a relationship where ultimately, if you know you're in one like that and someone's not taking responsibility over time for how they feel then you may have to leave because loving yourself is not compromising your quality of life to an unacceptable degree because of somebody else's refusal to take responsibility for their own confidence and their own emotions. But what we want to do, if we're to be, if we're to call ourselves people who are seriously looking for a relationship, if we want that label, then we have to earn it. Not by looking for the unicorn, not by looking for someone who's

perfect because we're not, but by recognizing that when someone has trauma, insecurity, when they have their moments, just as we do, we can communicate well. We can understand more about their intentions. We can lift them up and we can show compassion for those things. And then we can stand back and watch if the relationship improves as a result of all of that. If it doesn't improve as a result of all of that, that's a different story. But what we don't want to be is the people walking through life saying that every failed relationship was someone else's fault when we didn't show up

in the right way to those moments. Because then we'll never know. We'll never know what that person could have been with the right love and with the right communication. Thank you again to the man who sent that in i i actually hope that this episode encourages more men to write in i will always respect your privacy i will always keep you anonymous if you choose to if you don't mind you can always tell us and we'll read out your name, but we'll always respect and keep your confidentiality if you would like that. But it's a real gift when you write in and tell us

your stories or things you're thinking about or things that are affecting you, because we have these days an audience of men and women, but we certainly have a lot of women who would like to understand more about how guys think, how they make decisions, how they're affected by various situations. And we don't often get the sincerity or the vulnerability from men in everyday life, but we can have it here. And that can educate all of us. And we'll just finish out by reading a little review from iTunes. This person, and by the way, we really, really appreciate when you leave us a review on iTunes. So please, if you do nothing else, when you leave this episode, leave us a review on iTunes,

and you may have a shot at us reading it out at the end of an episode. Either way, we read them all. Oh, I'll give this one a little read, Matt, because I actually dug this out from, I thought we'd go a bit different. I dug this out from France iTunes. Oh, very good. Well, of course, the reviews are geo-located, so you don't always see the reviews from other countries, but that could be a good thing to do. We'll do like reviews around the world. I thought i'd have a little look at other countries so this is from bernardine 79 who said good moments listening to you hi matthew hi steven i discovered you a few weeks ago and since then i'm listening to your podcast in the car on my way to work in the morning it's always a pleasure to listen to you both and very useful the more i listen to you the more i am considering joining one of the retreats i am sure

you have many ways to help a lot of people with their lives and relationships i am a strong woman i handle everything on my own and very independent but somehow love life is a disaster i keep holding on to the wrong guys also you made me laugh with this race you did, Matt. Remember when we talked about your race a hundred times up a hill like a mad person. I really hope you feel better now and can walk properly. Stop resisting not being good at that thing. I like doing that. Thank you, Bernadine. Appreciate that a lot. Thanks, Bernadine. Lovely review. And if like Bernardine, you are considering coming to our retreat, we have a virtual retreat that is coming up in March from the 18th to the 20th. That's a three-day immersive coaching experience. I'll be there live every day

for those three days coaching you. You can do it from home, which is awesome. You don't have to get on a plane and travel anywhere. Spend three days with us, transforming your confidence and your life, not just your love life, but every part of your life. Uh, and Steven, of course, we'll be there too. So go to mhvirtualretreat.com to learn more about that and get all of the details. And if you'd like to speak to one of our team, there's a place on that page where you can book a call with one of our retreat specialists who can talk to you about your goals, what you want this next chapter of your life to be about, what are your obstacles to getting to that place and answer any questions you have about the program to see if it's right for you. That link is mhvirtualretreat.com. I really hope you join

us because it is going to be the event of the year for us. Thank you so much, guys. Thank you, Stephen. We'll see you in the next episode. Thanks all.