Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 149: 4 Questions To Ask Yourself BEFORE You Decide He’s “The One”

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

Does "The One" exist? Maybe there's someone you can't imagine your life without. Or maybe you have someone who seems SO amazing but you have a couple of doubts. There may not be one quick formula for knowing if someone is right for a long-lasting relationship, but here are four questions that you should definitely ask yourself before you dive in deeper... --- Join us on our virtual retreat on March 18th-20th! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey ---    Email us! You can get in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail]

Welcome Welcome to another episode of the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and the spicy sausage that is Stephen Hussey. Matthew, I've got a question for you today, and it isn't, why did you just call me a spicy sausage? Go on. Do you believe in the one? Well, you know I don't. Okay.

So, let's talk about... No, here's talk about. But I know here's the thing. I can't. I can I be can't permit me to be a little sappy, Stephen. Oh, for Lord's sake, please do. I don't believe in the one, but I can't imagine being with anyone other than the person I'm with now. Oh, he saved the day.

No, but that's true. That's the truth. I've, I always found it really easy to answer that question until you just asked it. I don't, here's why I don't believe in the one. And it's very, very important as a distinction because it also applies to finding your dream job um cal newport talks about the passion myth in his book be so good they can't ignore you or so good they can't ignore you i can never remember which one of those it is the second right so good they can't ignore you that's catchy so he talks about the passion myth and the passion myth as he applies it to careers is that we spend far too much time looking for the perfect career instead of understanding

that the perfect career is one that is it has let's say the raw materials to be something that you could enjoy but it doesn't come to you perfectly formed. It's something that, you know, you find something that you can get interested in and then you sculpt your dream career from that point onwards. And I think that that logic has a lot in common with how people should approach their love lives. I think the idea of love at first sight is a very pernicious one. It is, in my opinion, an insult to long-term relationships. It's an insult to the people that build something beautiful over time.

Because how can you have love at first sight? You can have infatuation at first sight. You can have crazy attraction at first sight. You can have projection at first sight. But love at first sight to me is a kind of an absurd absurd idea and by the way it's one it's a story told by the victors people who end up in a long-term relationship and then look back and say it was love at first sight it's easy for them to say it the story turned out to make good on how they initially felt. But you can bet that they may have been in other situations or other points in their life where they felt an immense immediate

attraction for someone and it didn't pan out. So was that love at first sight? You know, to me, the reason that I find the one to be very destructive as an idea is because it undermines what to me is a fundamental truth. That dream relationships aren't found, they're built. They are built through true curiosity about another person, willingness to see them, which can only happen over time, acceptance of who they are, a desire to support them and help them during difficult times, the arguments that happen that only yield a stronger connection at the end of them, and the continued knowledge and refinement of what will make the other person happy and how I can support that, that builds a stunningly beautiful relationship. And someone becomes the one. Don't get me wrong. I believe in the one, but I believe someone becomes the one.

I absolutely agree. I don't believe that you just alight on the one and there you are. You did it. Yeah, I agree. Which is why I wrote this article for questions to ask yourself before you decide someone is the one. Oh, that's interesting so i didn't actually realize we were building to that point and i now fear my answer was slightly longer winded than you had imagined or hoped well that's fine it's a good setup because in the introduction to that article i said i don't think

the one exists i think you choose someone as the one and i think there's no that was a pithier way of saying it there's no 100 perfect person i think there's a feeling of absolute certainty that your partner is the person who makes your life infinitely richer and happier sharing it with them that's beautiful so i wanted to look at could you ask a few key questions to say people always ask is this the right person for me how do i know do i just need to intuitively feel the butterflies or is there something i should think about with this person. And I was inspired by- How many questions do you need to ask, Steve? Four, according to my article. Very good.

Now, there is a book by Mira Kirshenbaum called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. And that was part of the inspiration for this, where Mira Kirshenbaum looks at all these potential questions and you go through one by one and look at, you know, should you be in this relationship or not? And it's more for diagnosing when you're in a relationship and you're struggling with whether to be in or out, you know, what you should ask yourself. And I thought, could I boil this down to like four, like four of the most essential? Because there's big ones we you know that are obvious but

what are like the four real precise ones so see what you think of these now i haven't i haven't seen this article steve in a long time so i'm very curious to see whether i still agree with the questions this is going to be good so what you think of this one first of all do you feel a unique sexual attraction to this person so you know this one i remember reading way back in i think it was like a old steve pavlina article but it was just the fact that look couples get into a lot of trouble if you don't choose someone who turns you on physically, who gives you some feeling of animalistic pull towards them. It's very hard to get that flame going later on. So you want to start with some kind of unique sexual chemistry with that person. Now, Steve, since you originally wrote this article, have your thoughts, have you, are there any caveats you would like to add to this? Any addendums to this point? Is there, have you kind of changed at all in your opinion of how quickly you need to feel this unique sexual attraction? Is it date one? Or if you don't feel it on date one, is that

too soon to know if you have it? I actually have another question for you too, Steve. I just wonder if you can unpack what you mean by unique sexual attraction, which is kind of an interesting phrasing. I think I know what you mean, but I'd love to hear more about what you mean. Yeah. So I think my caveat is, I don't mean that it has to be, oh my God, this is the most sexy person I've ever seen in my entire life. I've never felt this, you know, about anyone. It's not about some game of looking on a hierarchy and try to find, you know, what gets my blood racing the most ever.

Because that's one thing, right? That's lust. That's pure animalistic lust. But I think it needs to be the ember, the thing. You know, it's like sex tends to get better as you go through the relationship. But sexual chemistry is something that kind of needs to be the spark that starts everything you need to sit across the table for them and feel like i want to be close to this person i want to i and there might be some people who are more or less sexual than others

so let's just even call it physical chemistry some kind of you know pull towards this person but it needs to be something that is going to set the flame going do you feel steve that some people don't experience the sexual chemistry that they could with another person on a date not because those two people don't have it but because nerves have gotten in the way because a kind of over uptight feeling of that stuffiness of a first date has got in the way of the kind of loose playful energy that allows sexual chemistry to flourish sure there are environments where you'll be more sexy there are environments where you'll feel more sexy and you'll be your you know more relaxed playful fun self do you feel therefore that if you don't feel it on a first date it's too early to judge

because nerves could have been getting in the way yeah i think a first date alone isn't going to give you all the info which is why if you're too dismissive i think that works against people i think some it's not that if it's not happened by three months you got a problem but first date there can be all kinds of things that mean the person's maybe not on their a game it's like the first time you meet someone you might have thought oh they're nice or they're attractive but i don't really like i met them at a dinner it was kind of stuffy but then say you'll meet them again and you'll notice something else or they'll make a joke or they'll you'll talk about something and you realize oh like i was really interested in them

actually so that does happen i remember i'm not saying it's i'm not saying it's moment one bolt of lightning that's game over i just it has to be there early on there has to be a tug of a pull towards someone i remember tony robbins talking about his wife Sage and how they started out as friends and sort of one day she she teased him and perhaps I guess from the story it sounded like she teased him in a way that perhaps she hadn't teased him before but she like teased him about his perfect hair and his you know like how he was all really well put together and he he recalls how he was like you know he almost gestures as if like a like come here you know like a that response you have when someone teases you and you simultaneously, you know, you want to, you want to like grab them and, and you're so frustrated at them, but it's really sexual tension for the first time. And that, that kind of sexual tension that gets built through teasing and i suppose i'm i'm bringing that example up because

there is interesting to note that there can be dynamics between two people where there is a friendship and because it's been sort of stuck in a certain gear because of maybe the way the relationship started. You don't actually know what you don't know about how the two of you could be together until one person decides to throw a bolt of lightning into the interaction and see what happens. Now, there's no guarantee that when you, you hit that, you know, that moment with a moment of, of lightning, that that's going to turn into real tension between you. But until one person is brave enough to try, it's actually very difficult to know for sure whether you do have a unique sexual chemistry or not.

Yeah, that absolutely happens. And I've ended up, you know, I had a girlfriend once who we were friends for. Oh, here we go. Story time. Here we go. We were friends for like a year before and something changed in the dynamic and we realized we were attracted to each other. So that happens. But what I'm saying is if you've been literally dating this person.

It's like Beauty and the Beast. Something there that wasn't there before. Oh, I thought you were having a go. No, you know this song. Yeah, I didn't capture her and make her live in my castle until she fell in love with me, if that's what you mean.

But you are a beast. You identify with that part. and make her live in my castle until she fell in love with me if that's what you mean but but you are a beast you identify with that my chest you didn't say but i'm not a beast sorry but my point is my point is some people message us saying like i've been dating this guy for several months and don't feel that chemistry with him that's when you're in bad territory yeah i think that's safe to say if you're actually dating that person and not feeling the chemistry chemistry the flame isn't gonna suddenly suddenly appear right um number two do you find it easy or difficult to get your needs met in a relationship it doesn't mean you always get your needs met in a relationship? It doesn't mean you always get your needs met, but how difficult is it to get your fundamental needs met? Whether it's for intimacy,

respect, emotional connection, intellectual stimulation, sexual, fun fun these things are you know we all have certain things we consider fundamental needs some things we're like that's nice and desirable but it's not fundamental but your fundamental needs does that only happen once a month or is it something you can get met without a big complication an argument a discussion i think that's a big determinant of whether you're with the right person or not that's a good one i like that especially when they're your core needs when they're things that are really really important to you if you're someone who's very affectionate and you're with someone who doesn't want to hold your hand walking down the street because they just or they they want to sleep on opposite sides of the bed they don't actually enjoy a cuddle or a spoon in a movie

then that's that's going to be hard it's not going to stop being hard for you right later down the line if it's one of your core needs is physical touch and it's not at all important to the person you're with, that is always going to be a point of conflict and resentment and hurt. Right. I agreed. So next question is. Hey guys, it's Matthew. Before you continue with the video, I wanted to ask if there is someone in your life that has started pulling away. Maybe it's someone you like, you felt it was promising, but then you felt their energy change. Maybe they started taking longer to text back or you felt them get a little bit cold. If you want to know what to do about this, I have this question from people thousands of times a month.

And I'm going to be doing a two-hour attraction CPR masterclass for my private community, my members, this month that you can be a part of if you'd like to become a member. This is going to be a deep dive into the reasons why someone pulls away and what you can practically do about it to bring the attraction back. And the good news is if you're not a member right now, we have a 14 day free trial offer. So if you want to sign up and enjoy the attraction CPR masterclass for free, you can do that. And then if you want to cancel, you can cancel or continue being a member and join us for the journey. Go to askmh.com for that 14 day free trial and all of the details of the attraction masterclass and see in the description below for that link. I will see you very soon on that masterclass. Is their lifestyle compatible with yours? Do you feel okay with how they spend their free time

now i think of this as not some judgmental oh i don't like your hobbies i think of it more as like your actual lifestyle like your time are you with a workaholic are you with someone who really wants to spend a life uh being nomadic and traveling all the time are you with someone who loves getting drunk at night and partying or they want to you know have a bottle of wine every night and socialize all the time or whatever like literally how you your compatibility how your lives fit together in terms of what you like to do and how you like to spend your time i don't think you need them to be the same but you need to say am i happy with the way they carve out their time? Does it work for me? What do you think?

I'm trying to conceptualize, you know, let's say you, let's say you know that your partner's really happy when they're playing golf, but you have no interest whatsoever in that activity. the very idea of it bores you to death totally fine fine not a problem would you though describe that as a difference in life's in what if they love to play golf every day i think this is where you you decide you what are you does it compromise your needs if they play golf every day?

If they play golf for three hours every day and you're at work, maybe it affects nothing. If it affects, hey, we never spend any time together on a weekend because you play golf all day and that's a real problem for me, you've got a conversation. I think it's whether the lifestyle fits into yours. You might love that someone's ambitious and works really hard, but if their work means that you haven't taken a vacation in five years and they have no interest in it, and that's a big thing you want to spend time,

you know, seeing the world together or doing fun things, problem. Hmm. I think that what was an interesting, I think the phenomenon of people getting to a certain point in life where they've been used to living it a certain way and they lack compromise once they get to a relationship. That's something I see a lot is if you've been single for a long time and doing your own thing, then you haven't been used to meshing your life with somebody else's.

For sure. And there's a lot of potential conflict and compatibility issues that can come up there. And really, I think one of the things that defines whether you can be compatible or not is your willingness to, to make changes to certain ways that you spend your time or live your life based on the fact that you now find yourself in a new paradigm, one where you are part of a unit with somebody else and if you've been used to not being a unit then you can get quite

quite uh your ways can be become very set yeah you become very selfish and you don't even realize that you don't even realize that you are selfish you don't even realize that you have ways but meeting someone can make you realize like oh this is that i have all these habits i didn't even realize i have oh i have all of these ways of spending my time i didn't even realize would affect somebody else. And I think that one of the greatest determinants of whether two people can work together is whether they find themselves malleable enough and they find their lifestyles malleable enough to create space for somebody else or whether there is such rigidity in the way that they want to live their life that there's not really much space for

another person and their ways yeah yeah absolutely lack of compatibility can either take the form of we're very different people and we like to do different things or it can take the form of we're very different people and we like to do different things, or it can take the form of we have very different ideas about how much we're willing to adjust in order to accommodate somebody else in our life. You know, if you think about a great, a great parent, a great parent is one that has some malleability and can adjust to the fact that there's now a new person in their life that they're responsible for and have to take care of and nurture and, and help grow. A bad parent is often, well, I don't think this is the only definition of a bad parent by any stretch but one version of a bad parent is one that is unwilling to compromise their life

now based on another person having entered it so and i think the same can be true of a of a relationship yeah i think it's safe though to assume like take someone on their priorities as you see them if you know what i mean they can definitely maybe accommodate certain things but if you really dislike the way they spend their time and you know it's going to be a point of contention you're probably setting yourself up for frustration. And that's why compatibility for me really is being accommodating. It really is being like, I'm okay with what this person does and likes doing,

and I'm not going to be the person who's like, oh, I want you to not spend time doing that. That's why I don't want you to do that. That's probably not going to work. It's probably better if you can accept what they prioritize now, which is why you got to be really careful with what you're getting into. Well, I think a distinction that you've made there or that needs to be made is the difference between not wanting to spend your time the same way they want to spend a decent proportion of theirs which i don't necessarily think is a problem no and not genuinely having

genuinely having a problem with the way they spend their time having a real lack of respect for how they spend their time. Right. That's that to me is, you know, you don't have to like that your partner likes golf. You just have to, if you, if you truly think that that says something about them,

you don't like, if you, if you cannot respect that, that's how they like to spend their time, then that is revealing of a difference in values, not just a difference in the way that you spend your time. Yes. All right. And, um, and as, uh, as Warren Buffett said, uh, if you, uh, remember how difficult it is to change yourself, you realize how hopeless it is to try and change someone else. Absolutely. Couldn't agree with that statement more. Well, question number four. Number four, do you both want the same things in your future

and have the same vision for the next five, 10, 15 years? Now, this comes with the caveat that I don't think everyone has a 10-year plan for their life that isn't how we tend to think most of us but if the idea of having some shared vision with someone for that period scares the living daylights out of you that's probably a problem you want to at least be able to see not let's make a plan for everything that's going to happen in the next 20 years but do we feel like we're in similar stages of our life do we feel like we have the same views on maybe in the next 10 years

marriage, kids, whatever that might be for you. It's got to be something where you see yourselves as on the same page. Steve, I was listening to the Sam Harris podcast recently, and there was an episode about time. And they, he was talking with a time management expert or I should actually backtrack on that. The guy actually has an issue with a lot of time management literature. I'm not sure he wouldn't call himself a time management expert, but he wrote a book on time called 4,000 weeks. And he described the difference between being and doing and how when we're raising kids, we have to enjoy the moment with our kids. We can't just think, I'm just raising my five-year-old right now to be a respectable teenager, or I'm just raising my 15 year old right now to be a respectable,

hardworking adult. Because if you do that, you're always just living in the future of, of what they're going to be. You're never actually enjoying what they are. Uh, you're not enjoying the being, you're just enjoying the doing for some end, or you're just doing the doing for some end result. And, and the end result is always a receding horizon because every time you get there, there's some other thing that they need to become after that. You're never living in the moment. And when I was listening to this, I thought about this in the context of relationships and it relates to what you just said, because what you're talking about here is that whilst you can be enjoying someone's company right now, and you can be enjoying the chemistry you have with them right now, it's dangerous

to be doing so if you have wildly different ideas about what a well-lived future is. Because the being with someone right now is getting you very, very invested. You're spending time and energy with someone and going further and further down a path with someone that of course is denying you the ability to go down a path with someone that of course is denying you the ability to go down that path with somebody else. And so there is an opportunity cost and is going to land you in a massive heartbreak later. If, as it turns out, that person meant it when they said, I don't want kids or I don't want marriage, or I want to spend my life traveling from country to country every two months and

never want to settle down anywhere. And so I, you know, Steve, when I listened to that episode, I kind of, I had this question in my mind, which I think I've just resolved in listening to you. The question in my mind was, you know, what do you say to people who, because we've all, everyone's had that situation where, you know, that there might be issues in the future, but you're enjoying something with someone now. And you ask a friend and a friend says to you, you say, what should I do? And a friend says to you, well,, what should I do? And a friend says to you, well, are you having fun? Are you enjoying it? And you say, yeah. And they go, then do it. What's the big deal? Stop overanalyzing it. If you're having fun and if your heart feels good, then just do it. Now, you could say from either a romantic perspective or even interestingly you could

say from a mindfulness perspective if you are enjoying it now then don't obsess over the future be in the moment and enjoy what it is now and a lot of people get into relationships and get their heart very tied up with someone in the short term who may not be great for them in the long term or may have wildly different goals in the long term. So does that mean that you should get out of a situation that you're enjoying right now just because you may not end up in the same place in the future. And I think the rule that we have to set for ourselves is I have to enjoy what I'm doing in the moment now. Unless what I'm doing is going to create massive future pain for me. In other words, if the moment I'm enjoying now is going to be responsible for many, many unhappy moments in the future that I can avoid today by not doing this thing now, that's something we have to listen to. And, and what you're saying in question number four which is

what was the exact wording of it do you both want the same things in your future and see yourself being able to give the same amount to the relationship in 5 10 15 years right what you're saying is don't be so busy enjoying the chemistry and the fun and the attraction now that you ignore a massive amount of pain that's coming. That's going to be really, it's an act of, what do I want to say? It's an act of recklessness and ignorance towards a future you. If we take the view that we should do things today that are, that our future self will benefit from, will thank us for one of the things that's going to be a very cruel thing to do to our future self, because every, all throughout our lives, we go through many different us, right? Many, many different use over the course of your life. It's a cruel act to a future you to do something that feels good today. That's going to cause her a ton of pain and ignoring the fact that somebody sees a wildly different future than the one that would make you happy ignoring the fact that somebody isn't willing to give what

you are willing to give or isn't even willing to admit that they want to sign up to all of that it may be something that feels good today but it's something that's incredibly cruel to a future you so we should mindfully enjoy whatever relationship we're in right now but but paying attention to whether the relationship we're in right now is one that shares a trajectory, shares the trajectory we see for ourselves. Very good. Stephen, that's a great article. I have to say it holds up. Holds up.

Very good. One of the old times. Now, if you would like to go out and meet the person that has all these things and you want to kickstart your love life into a place of action maybe you feel like you're a little passive in your love life right now you feel like you want to get things moving there are three habits that you can practice that will put you on the path to finding love faster. And you can go and find out what they are in our free guide, the three love habits at three love habits.com. Go check it out and let us know what you think. Also, if you haven't got a ticket yet to the

virtual retreat is coming up in March from the 18th to the 20th. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com to go and find out more about that. And lastly, if you are not a member right now of our Love Life Club, this is the club where Stephen, me, our entire tribe of women, of members, but much more exclusive than the size of the audience on YouTube or the podcast or Instagram, Facebook. It's a much more intimate group of people who are taking really seriously making progress in their love lives,

finding someone, understanding how to truly attract someone, understanding how to make it work long-term so that when they find someone, they can hold onto that beautiful relationship and build it over the long-term. This is where we do it. The Love Life Club is where we do it. And we invite you to join us if you're not already a member by going to askmh.com. When you go there, you'll have two things you can do. One, you can ask a question that you would like me to answer on one of my upcoming members webinars, because of course, in the membership, we have private Q&As where you can get on and ask your question. You even have the shot of being coached by me live if that's something you'd like to do.

You'll also have the opportunity to sign up on that page, askmh.com, for a 14-day free trial membership, meaning you can literally try out being a member for 14 days. And if you don't absolutely love it, you can cancel at any time. No questions asked. So go to ask mh.com to learn more about that and join risk-free as a new love life member. I really hope that you'll be there and I'll see you on one of our next members sessions. Now, Stephen, before we go, I just want to read a review from JS from iTunes. And of course, any of you can leave a review on iTunes for us. We are reading all of these. So please go leave us a review. It lights up Stephen and I's day. Anytime we go on there and we see a new little review from one of our lovely

listeners. This one's from JS. Hi, Matthew and Stephen. I love your podcast so much. You both have such an amazing ability to offer insight and advice in such an articulate way. You break down really complex issues and offer simple and effective ways to approach them in a really empowering way. Thank you. Well, thank you to you, JS. It means an awful lot to us. We also had an email in that. Go for it. Let's hear it, Stephen. Hi all. If someone could please pass my info along to steve i don't read books but i do eat in the bath long-time listeners will know my bath habits of taking a lot of food

and drink into the bath she said also i've been a silent fan of the show for years and loving it even more now jameson is on best cat now i suppose you would say that cat has successfully answered question three for you of is he the one what lifestyle spend right a lot of my time in the bath do they respect and are they okay with how you spend your free time. And there you go, Steve, another fellow bath muncher. It'd have to be separate baths though. So I need some privacy so we can FaceTime. Already creating stipulations.

Well, thanks everyone. Thanks for lovely emails and we will see you real soon. Cheers, guys. See you real soon. Cheers, guys. See you next time.