Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 150: Don't Fight For His Attention, Do These 5 Things Instead...

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

What does it really mean to be high-value? Matt and Steve talk about the top 5 traits that make you attractive for a relationship to *anyone* Instead of focusing on short-term attention, focus on these in the long-term and you won't find yourself playing games to keep someone interested.  --- Join us on our virtual retreat on March 18th-20th! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships... --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey ---  Email us! You can get in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail]

🎵 🎵 How are you everyone? Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and my brother, Stephen Hussey. They call me old squeezy, but just call me Stevie. Hello everyone. Hello Matthew. Do you come up with those ahead of time or is that just, you just shoot from the hip on that lightning fast all right that explains it straight out the old noggin no planning whatsoever yeah i have text messages from steve last night at 4 a.m pitching that to me and you said yes no yeah well we we have a topic for today that uh i'm really looking forward to talking to because I think it's going to help a lot of people in the early stages of seeing somebody.

And it's really about how to stop place with someone where they just see your value and want to try and invest in you without you feeling like you're competing with the world for this person's attention? We, of course, live in a world these days where it feels like dating is just this buffet of people that the person we're seeing could just so easily go back to a dating app and swipe to another person that they have so many options. Steve, we once had it put to us from somebody that they were dating a guy who was also dating another person at the same time. And she asked us how she could win the exclusivity race. And that to me just encapsulated what so many people feel about dating, that it is this

race to be won, that I am striving for somebody's attention. I'm hanging on for dear life in early dating, hoping that it goes somewhere. And so I really wanted to make a show with you today, Steve, about how to stop fighting, how to stop struggling for someone's attention, how to actually sit back more and relax and just show your value in a strong way that makes someone come to you instead of constantly feeling like you're chasing them. Before we go into that, we have our virtual retreat coming up in March, which is a three-day coaching event for your confidence, your life, your relationships, and your goals this year. If you want to spend three days with us being coached live in every part of your life, this is going to be a very powerful event. Go to

mhvirtualretreat.com. We would love to see you there in March with us. So Steve, I want to talk about how to stop trying to fight for someone's attention and instead find yourself in a situation where someone is actually meeting you halfway, where the two of you are trying an equal amount. In order to do that, someone has to actually recognize our value. We've talked in the past about the concept of the high value woman, which is sort of a vernacular we don't really use as much these days. But I know in the past when we've referred to that, people have said, well, what is a high value woman? How do you show yourself to be high value in the early stages of dating so that you're not fighting for someone's attention so that they just see how awesome you are and they dare I say,

try. So I wrote down Steve, five things that I think contribute to someone's perception of our value. And this is not designed to be everything. It's not designed to be completely comprehensive. But I think these are five tremendously important things that show our value when we're seeing someone. And I think this will be a really interesting list for people to go through and ask themselves, which of these am I doing right now? And which am I not? So that almost people can kind of self-diagnose what might be happening right now in the dynamic they've created with someone. So are these the characteristics that make someone desirable for a relationship? Yeah, I think they're not, and not just directly desire.

They absolutely are all things that make them desirable for a relationship. But even before someone is consciously thinking, oh, this makes this person desirable for a relationship. It's just things that make you super desirable in general, things that make someone go, wow, I want to be around this person more. Awesome. So the first one I had of the five was having things that you really enjoy doing independent of that person. Now, in response to this, people may say, yeah, I've got things I enjoy or I've got things that I do, but I mean, enjoy things that you are passionate about, not just things you do when you're not with them, you know, not just going to your job every day. And that can absolutely be one of them. That could be a big one if it is something you're truly passionate about. But I'm not just talking about something you do when they're not around.

I'm talking about something that you get excited about, something you really enjoy. And it makes you attractive for a number of reasons. One, it's a sign to that person that you're not sitting there waiting around when they're not there. Two, it's just attractive to know that you can be passionate about something. Watching someone get passionate about something is an aphrodisiac. It's something that you, it's, you're watching someone come alive when they talk about something or when they do something. So that's attractive. It can also add an accent to your personality or what they know about you. You know, the fact that someone knows you're really into, uh, uh, rock climbing, or if someone

really knows that knows that you're really into just plants in your house, that you love plants and that's a passion for you and you get really excited about choosing the next one. And that's like a hobby of yours, that it doesn't matter what it is, big or small. It's something that they can identify as a kind of accent to your personality, something that makes you, you. Um, so, and it also of course, unburdens that person from being the only source of your happiness. It, it lets them realize that there's something, you know, Esther Perel talks about the idea of everyone having a secret garden, everyone having a place they can go that's just for them.

And you having a place that you can go, that's just for you. Let someone else know you're not the only source of my happiness. And that when someone recognizes you're happy somewhere else doing something else, it actually gives them the space to think about you, to just observe you, whether it's literally observing you doing something you love, or just knowing that you're at a distance somewhere not having your attention thoughts monopolized by thoughts of of them i remember matt our friend and uh the boxing coach martin snow talked about how you always want to keep a piece of yourself to you and at first that sounds like this holding back thing like oh you're not giving everything to your partner. But he said, always keep keep a piece of yourself, like keep it for you.

And there is something about when you see someone totally engaged, there's something they love that their heart is in. And you see them squeal with excitement over even a book or a thing they love or they're going to that conference i don't know and you see they're just loving it and it's like oh that's that's a special piece of them and you wanna you wanna be a part of that right it's infectious anyone super passionate about anything that they're independently passionate about it rubs off on you you're like that sounds exciting to me as well i want to be a part of that and that doesn't mean that you can't share it you know it's not that it has to be like you're they're not allowed into that world at all it doesn't it can be shared you can share that

passion with them you can even invite them to partake in it with you at some point but it's it's not tied to them. That's the key thing. It's something that is just for you and you would do whether they were around or not. And this idea of passion can be extended to the future as well. When someone sees you really passionate about the future, about specifically your future, I don't mean your future with them. When someone gets to know you and you just are a person that's really excited about your own future and life, that's very, very attractive to be around. And by that, I don't mean that you need a big goal. I think

sometimes people confuse being passionate about life and the future with, oh, it's going to impress someone if I have a really big goal. I actually don't think that's the case. I think big goals, I'm pretty sure I mean this. You'll get the way in which I mean it. I think big goals are overrated. You know, it's much more attractive to me, the idea of someone who's just passionate about what they're doing or passionate about something that, that they, a hobby they enjoy or something that really lights them up than worrying about whether they're super ambitious and have a big goal. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah, for sure. I think that's a big goals are great, but I think it's not some panacea to like, it's not inherently attractive just having uber ambitions. I think that if that's you, that's us really valuable in somebody else's eyes is having autonomy over our emotions. Interesting.

And why do you say that? the idea that we are able to manage our emotions, whether, and this is not the same as being happy all the time, but with someone who takes responsibilities, who takes responsibility for our emotions. If we're not in a good place or if we're feeling stressed or if we're feeling whatever it may be, that there is some ability to self-soothe. Now that doesn't mean, I want to be very clear about this, it doesn't mean that we can't go to someone for support. The whole, I mean, what is a relationship if not a team that where the two people can help support each other we want to be able to go to our partners for support but we don't want to make our partners responsible for every one of our emotions where we're going from being vulnerable about something and wanting their support or even just their conversation, someone to listen to us.

It goes from that to I'm going to be a constant energy that you have to deal with in your life that is making you now responsible for that. I'm asking you to carry my stress for me. I'm asking you to carry my sadness for me. I'm asking you to carry my anxiety for me. Now we go through chapters, right? Like this is in life. We all go through chapters. We go through chapters where We go through chapters where we go through a very difficult period and someone may weather that with us in the right person will weather a difficult period with you. That's what makes them the right person. But we are still focused ourselves on bringing ourselves out of that difficult period. We take responsibility for bringing ourselves out of that difficult period. Or if it's not

a chapter in our life that's difficult, but we happen to struggle with something, even in that case, we take ownership for that. I'm, I know that this is something I suffer from. I know that this is something that I, my kind of, you know, it's something I've struggled with maybe my whole life. It's a, you know, maybe I have chronic anxiety or maybe I have a depression that's chronic maybe, but I i still even when something is chronic i take responsibility for my own emotions yeah and that's very very difficult on certain things don't get me wrong i'm not i don't want to make this sound like it's an easy one because especially if you have chronic emotional pain or chronic physical pain, then it can be an uphill struggle to try to bring your best to a relationship.

And so there will be many days where you can't bring your best to the relationship. But I do think there is a difference, or there certainly is a difference, between not feeling your best and taking not feeling your best out on the person you're seeing. Yeah, that's so true yeah yeah and self-awareness goes so far as well even just seeing that someone's aware of the effect they're having and you know just just they're in a bad mood you know they're lashing out or even if they're just aware of like they're like sorry i know i'm being i'm being really moody today and that's not cool right i said I'm taking it out on you or I'm feeling this just even knowing like oh they know that that was kind of unreasonable behavior

or they know that that I'm finding it difficult to deal with them right now even self-awareness of your emotions goes a long way because if someone isn't or someone just does is blind to the fact that might be bothersome for you or difficult then you are dealing with a communication problem yeah matt what would you say to the person who's like i'm just an emotional creature matt and i've got to be tamed and i need someone who just gets it and i'm sometimes i'm wild sometimes i'm bursting into tears sometimes i'm going crazy and i need a guy i need someone who can tame that is this now is the person in this story hinting at some sort of um some sort of role in the bedroom they want to play or is this you're just saying literally

they they want someone to sort of tame their emotions because i feel like this would be a subtle way of talking about what you want in the bedroom yeah they're just they're just really not they just really need to communicate a kink they have no it's they're just trying to say look that's i'm all that's what i am i'm all over the place i'm hot and cold it's like the weather and i just need someone who's is anyone really like that i don't know if this person exists this just sounds like steve after three drinks but would you say that is that is that a sign of like you've got to take more responsibility than that you can't just say that that's you're the kind of like you've got to take more responsibility than that you can't

just say that that's you're the kind of person who's an emotional wild card look that that um that quote that we've discussed in the past that was falsely i believe attributed to marilyn monroe that if you can't accept me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best is relevant here because no one's, no one's job is to accept you at your worst too many days in a row that, you know, firstly, your worst can't be so bad that it makes someone else's life intolerable. Right. And second, your worst can't,

you can't be your worst too many days in a row. You can't be hot mess all the time. You don't get to be your worst consistently and expect someone to live for the one day a month you'll be your best um so there is it is important to have someone who accepts you at your worst i believe that i believe we need someone who accepts us at our worst my god i've needed it. But we have to take responsibility for trying to bounce back to our best. We can't make that someone else's job.

And we can't expect to continuously show up as our worst and to be given the benefit of the doubt every time. That's not fair on the other person. And that's not them being a bad teammate. That's us being a bad teammate. You hear that Picasso? I'm not, I'm not, I'm not trying to bring up beef with Picasso.

I just heard he wasn't, I heard he wasn't a peach to be in a relationship with. Let's put it that way. Right. Right. Yeah. But no, he probably didn't hear that steve yeah i don't think you need to worry about that hot takes on picasso here so what's number three matt what's the third thing that makes you high value the third way to demonstrate value is to is to truly see someone okay i steve i have the fundamental belief that in dating if you are able to see someone more clearly than anybody else has which you can only know by truly paying attention to what they say and getting to know them and

asking the questions and paying attention to the detail of how they think you will stand out from anyone that they have previously been with there is in my, nothing more powerful than being with someone who makes you feel seen on a level that you've never felt before. I think that's really true. I remember I used to be more embarrassed about flaws when I was in my 20s and trying to pretend to be perfect. I think because maybe me and people i dated were both immature it's like i would want to hide all my flaws and if they are ever exposed you know i'd feel like oh no it's like embarrassing or i don't want this to come out and it's like the whole model was both try and pretend that you don't have these things right right because that's what you do i guess when you're younger

and you aspire to something and as i get older i realize now the best thing is like yeah if if someone could show like it's okay that you do that sometimes it's okay that you have that neuroticism or that that quirk or that thing that you find a struggle like we can work with that that's cool we'll sometimes we'll do this sometimes i'll tell you when you're doing it it's like that's much more i don't know into that's much more a vision of love to me now than it was when i was younger and immature well it's so calming when someone is like that is it, it's so calming. It creates such peace. You feel so accepted, especially if they show knowledge of those things about you in the way that they kind of treat you or the way that they respond to you.

If you, uh, you know, if you're doing something that's a bit of a pattern for you and they acknowledge it and they're like, look, I know, you know, sometimes for you, you get triggered by this because blah, blah, blah. And I understand that. And, and they, and they're not judgmental of that thing. They just show that they understand that about you, that they know that about you. Just having someone who has deep knowledge of us and doesn't use it against us and doesn't use it to tell us that it was a turnoff or that it makes us somehow less attractive now that they know that. Yeah. If they just, if they learn more about us and are still there and still find us

you know uh attractive and still feel drawn to us that is a that is a very powerful thing it's like the difference could you confess a phobia to someone or do you feel like they would either lose respect for you for it or you'd feel embarrassed like could you confess a phobia or something something that really makes you feel scared and vulnerable and then you know be okay about it yeah yeah there's someone once said to me i don't know where he got it from but he once said to me that a a word that that's something we feel when we're with someone especially when we're young and maybe a bit entitled and we're insecure and to try and compensate for that we're trying to find someone else who's perfect and, you know, flawless.

And we don't want them to have anything wrong with them because we find it hideous if they have anything wrong with them or if there's anything about them that's not quite cool and confident. The word he described to, the word he used to describe how we feel was contempt. We learn something about them and it's viewed as weakness.

It's viewed as, you know, as unattractive. And, and certainly I think people on both sides feel, have felt that at some point we've all felt at some point, like we mentioned a weakness or we let a weakness slip intentionally or not some detail about us something we're embarrassed because we're not good at

something we don't think we do well something we're ashamed of and or insecure about and and we did actually feel on some level like there was some contempt there was some there was some judgment about it there was some you maybe they didn't say it they'd have to be a pretty mean and nasty person to actually say it but we felt that we felt that contempt like we've felt that. We've felt that contempt. Like someone's looking at us and seeing us as this person that just became less attractive as a result. And it's a horrible, horrible feeling. The inverse is just as powerful. When there's something that we're ashamed of in ourselves, maybe it's something we judge ourselves a lot for. Maybe it's something that we've struggled to fix.

Maybe it's something we've always secretly worried is going to turn someone off. And what we're met with is total acceptance what is what is that Mr Rogers quote Jay do you remember the the idea that no child is it no child can ever be truly loved or confident unless he or she is accepted for exactly who he or she is. And that, that sentiment is just as true in a relationship. We are all those children who are just so afraid that when someone learns everything there is to learn about us, that the other person is going to run for the hills. They're going to view us with contempt. They're going to find us hideous. They're going to find us disgusting. They're going to find us ugly, flawed, naked, and unappealing.

We all have those things that, you know know and it's why in dating it's one of the reasons we have so many walls up because it's like well you'd you'd like me from dates one to three you know or dates one to ten or even dates one to a hundred but i would never let you truly in on this level because if you really knew me or if you really knew everything about me you would never you would never love me you would never want me i wouldn't be good enough for you yeah that's why the first couple of dates so many of us you you play date guy it's like date first three dates steve yeah it's like a slightly different character is in the office michael scott has a guy called date mike and he just becomes obnoxious and he

wears a backwards kangle that he'd never wear and he starts being like really trying like really being a try hard uh you know person and it's like that's that's before that's before that's the skin you're putting over yourself to protect yourself that's your superhero costume well also that you know i mean that that wonderful scene from uh goodwill hunting where matt damon is with robin williams the the psychotherapist, and Matt Damon is dating that young woman. And he's like, you know, making his case for why he should break it off. And he says, why am I going to keep seeing her? What so I can find out she's not perfect after all?

And Robin Williams says to him to him well maybe you're still perfect in other words maybe what you're really doing by breaking it off is preserving the perfect image she has of you because you're so terrified that if she really knew who you were if she really saw who was there behind the tough charismatic clever guy that she would find you all of a sudden unappealing yeah that all of that beauty would be shattered it's kind of what that whole movie's about i guess right it's him hiding exactly and and so coming back to this point number three it makes us unbelievably valuable to somebody else knowing that what we want is total acceptance It's what we crave in life. If we can give that gift to somebody else,

it is a gift that they will, most people have never experienced in their life. Maybe they got it from their parents, maybe from their family, if they're really close to their family but but most people in their romantic lives have not necessarily experienced it on that level to find it is it might be the best thing in life when you can give that to somebody else what are they going to do go find like let me go find somebody else who I don't know will ever accept me when I've got someone in front of me who accepts me for exactly who I am, which isn't the same as like settling for their bad behavior all the time. Please don't get me

wrong here. When there are things wrong in the relationship or when they're doing things that are below your standards of how you want to be treated, that's different. Those are conversations. It's not your job to accept those things. I'm talking about a deep acceptance of who they is as a human being with their flaws and all of their good points and all of their complications. And at the same time, set a standard where you say, I love you for who you are, but this is what I expect if we're to be together. Mr. Rogers said, when we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is. The, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be. Which brings me on to the last two points here.

What's up guys? Before we continue with the episode, I just wanted to give you a little midway freebie. Uh, for those of you who right now are finding that you're either going on dates and struggling to flirt and create chemistry and connection that leads to a second date, or maybe you're seeing someone right now and you just want some fun new ways to flirt and create even more attraction with them. We have a program called How to Talk to Men, which has an entire chapter on how to flirt, giving you very specific and practical examples. And you don't even have to get the whole program today. You can literally just go and enjoy this chapter. We're gifting it to you absolutely free. So go check that out at getthefreechapter.com. You can download that

in the next 60 seconds. And maybe you're already doing a couple of these things, but maybe there's just one thing on that list of practical things in that chapter that you've not done before, or that you would never think to do that ends up being a really fun way that you use to flirt for the rest of your life and create attraction. Go check it out. I'm a big believer that in any book or program, if you get one new thing that can help you, it's worth reading for that one thing. So that's it. Get the free chapter dot com. And now back to me and Steven. Okay. So number four, what's number four? Now, Steve, number four in what makes us valuable in somebody else's eyes is really going to combine the two things I've just said. One of the things that makes us really valuable to someone is stability. The stability we bring to their lives. Now, there's two ways that we can bring stability.

One of them is more obvious. The less is a bit more counterintuitive. We can bring stability by showing up for that person and caring about them, genuinely caring about them, genuinely wanting the best for them, genuinely accepting who they are and showing kindness and love towards them. Now, again, I'm not saying if someone is blowing hot and cold constantly, it's not about showing up even when they're being cold. But that's what brings me on to the second point. The second way to bring stability outside of how you care for someone is the standards and the expectations you have of them. One of the mistakes, Steve, that as you well know, so many people make in early dating is letting people get away with murder because they like them. They don't have rules for that person because they think that rules will rock the boat. If I start saying I'm not okay with something or I don't

like that, I didn't like when you said that, I didn't like when you did that, that I am going to create conflict. I am going to be seen as high maintenance. I am going to potentially drive this person away. And I don't want to put a wedge between us, especially when I'm trying to foster a connection. So what any waves. Now, if you think about it, parents often make the same mistakes, right? They, they want to create stability by loving their child, but it's more counterintuitive to have standards and expectations as a way to create that stability because it rocks the boat. A child doesn't thank their parent for giving them rules, for giving them a bedtime, for sending them to school, for making sure that they do their homework for letting them know what's okay and what's not okay

but those standards and structures are actually what makes a child feel safe yeah it's actually what gives the child a sense of stability yeah the child may think they want free reign but if they had free reign they'd feel completely unstable they wouldn't feel safe a 21 year old if you imagine a 21 year old guy who who's like who you leave to his own devices you can do whatever you want and you imagine the kind of guy that sits playing video games, eat like crisp packets everywhere. The place is a mess. He's getting filthier by the day. He's not showering. He's not shaving. And all the while he's saying, I just, you know, this is the life. I can do whatever I want. I'm not answerable to anybody. No one's telling me what to do, where I've got to be. I do what I want, when I want. Well, we both know that there's a point

at which the novelty of that wears off and his self-esteem starts getting affected because he's not proud of himself. In this moment, he feels like his potential is being wasted. He's not self-actualized and he'll start to resent the whole situation for turning him into the worst version of himself. Now, of course he's doing it to himself, but it won't be something that ultimately he'll develop a resentful relationship with that situation. Not one where he thinks, I just want to keep coming back to this. And if someone be a mentor, a teacher, a parent, a friend actually started letting him know how to be better, started introducing structure into his life, pushed him to be better, called him out on it. And that, and suddenly he's not going to, he's not going to feel good when he goes to the gym.

He's not going to feel, it's not going gonna be pleasant having to tidy that room and do all of those things it's not none of it's gonna be easy showering shaving it's all a hassle but it results in a man who's actually starting to realize oh i'm becoming more of someone i'm proud of i'm becoming more of someone i want to be now i'm not and i can't say this plainly enough saying that it's any woman's job on this planet to come along and clean a guy up and turn him into the you know man he should have been when he's a layabout waste of space. I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that if someone doesn't express their opinions, express what's okay and what's not okay, give us boundaries for what's acceptable or not, point out when we've done something that's

crossed those boundaries, give us clear expectations about what they want. That actually start, it doesn't just affect that person. It doesn't just affect her value because the guy in that situation sees, you know, this person's not confident enough to ask for what they want. That's not very attractive. You know, they must be a very insecure person to let me get away with all of this and to have no boundaries. It's not just unattractive in that sense. It creates an unstable situation because you don't really know who that person is. You don't know what they, they, they're not something that's, you know, how to navigate

around in where you know, what's right and what's wrong. And you don't, it doesn't turn you into the best version of yourself because you're now the person that, that can get away with anything you want. And that doesn't mean that it's right that you do. It doesn't mean that you're not to blame for doing disrespectful things. It doesn't mean that you're not to blame for messing someone around, but it, it means that you can easily find yourself in a position of not self-actualizing, not becoming the best kind of man that you can be. When someone, if someone's to provide true stability, the yin and the yang of that is showing up for someone

in the most loving, loving kind and compassionate way possible and having standards and expectations and rules for what you want and what's okay and what's not okay yeah that you loving someone is predicated on that person meeting those standards yeah and it can be through even the most simple actions you take if someone if if if you you know they didn't make a plan with you and the weekend comes and you told them you need to know the plan and they never did they never called they never did anything and then they're like saturday day they're like hey where are you and you know even if you're like i went out because you didn't call like you didn't i told you i wanted you to tell me

the plan but you didn't so i've made plans even that alone is like oh person has boundaries person has expectations i have to actually take this person's time seriously and again like you say you're not you're not you're not like mothering someone or anything you're just saying you don't make plans of me i make plans with other people that's just that's how i respond or i send a text saying it's not cool you cancelled at the last minute you know those sorts of things. And I have this phrase, Matt, that I use that I think is really great for this, which is you can, of course, be liked and be respected at the same time. But if there is a choice between either being liked in a moment or being respected,

choose being respected because it will get you more uh attraction every time it will get you more of someone seeing your value rather than if it's between the two and you go well i just want to be liked but don't worry about respecting myself in that moment you've eroded something then but you go for the respect and then you raise your value very good well the last one the last way to raise your value in someone's eyes is the way that you argue with someone i disagree is that good it was it was fine i respected steve more for a second you respected him more yeah that was pretty powerful well you've got jameson's vote except i i then failed because

i wasn't true to myself because i actually did agree so so i've blown it. Blown it, haven't I? For the sake of comedy. You have absolutely no value, Stephen. Go on. If you take the last point that part of what creates value for yourself and stability for somebody else and also makes them value the relationship because it's making them into the best version of themselves is standards and expectations. Then if you do that, there will be inevitably times where there's friction. There'll be times where you say something you didn't like and they get defensive. You say something you'd like more of or a way that you're disappointed or hurt or upset and they get frustrated or they get angry or they go on the attack even. And it's, I think one of the superpowers, one of the underrated superpowers

of what gets someone attracted as in the stages where someone is assessing whether they'd like to go further with you is arguing better. If someone feels that the way that you argue, the way that you engage with them over things that are difficult or create friction brings more peace, reduces the volatility. You know, some people, when they argue, they create extra volatility. Now there's already a little emotional volatility when you and someone else are having a disagreement or a conversation or not entirely seeing eye to eye. There is natural volatility and that's okay. You can't improve a relationship unless you're willing to endure some volatility along the way. But we amplify the volatility when we start getting very angry, when we start saying nasty things, when an argument becomes toxic, when we get our ego involved in a really big way, and there's a huge breakdown in communication, then we're showing someone that

this relationship doesn't equal more peace. It's less. Now, somebody else may be a terrible arguer too, right? It's not to say that they're doing a great job and you're not bringing peace. But here's what I think is really interesting. Even if you're so great at handling conflict in a way that reduces that volatility instead of amplifying it and somebody else is bad at it, your good highlights their bad. And I know early in my relationship, she was actually better than me when it came to certain types of conflict. And the ways that she was better highlighted the ways I was bad. And what was sobering about that, but great, was that I recognized in that, oh, I've got growth to do. I need to work on this because I can be better. And she modeled for me what better looked like in the way that she handled those difficult moments with love and kindness and compassion.

She modeled that. And I then got to see, oh, that's how it can be. And I also felt safe because I went, oh, I'm used to situations. And anyone who's been in, in difficult relationships has also experienced this. I've been used to situations where arguments get, get more heated or where I feel like I'm not, where I feel like when I have an argument, I'm in danger, where I feel like I'm liable to now for something very hurtful to happen. But when she didn't go to a hurtful place, when she didn't go on the attack, when she didn't get nasty or aggressive or say something mean or score points,

I recognized that I wasn't doing a great job. And I felt safe to do a better job because I knew I was with someone who wasn't going to hurt me if I started to come with more kindness and more compassion. Right, right. And for me, you know, I mean, I really believe that when you know that you're with someone who communicates in a way that you would like to communicate, because if you get really good at this stuff, the truth is

that there's always going to be people that come to us and say, yeah, but Matt, what about the other person? What about them? They need to learn this. And yes, they do. And if you get good at this stuff, unfortunately, you're going to come across more and more people who are worse at it than you. But we teach people how to love by the way that we love. And that doesn't mean that we should keep giving our love to someone who doesn't, who takes it for granted. But sometimes we're with someone who we can tell as we're modeling what really healthy communication looks like we can see them absorbing it maybe not in that exact moment but you kind of see them processing like oh wow this is a different kind of person than i've been with before this person doesn't make life more difficult for me.

This person brings me peace. This person doesn't express contempt or disgust when I reveal weakness or when I say something about myself that's kind of more vulnerable than ever. This person brings love and acceptance. And when you feel like the ultimate way to bring value is to bring peace to someone's life. And when someone feels that, they get an environment where they feel safe to grow and become a better version of themselves. And when you find that, especially, in fact, this is true of everybody. I'm not even going to say especially for men. When a human being, when a person realizes that being with you gives me the best possible chance at being the hero of my story gives me the being with you is bringing out the hero in me that's someone you don't want to let go of because through them, you realize I'm going

to become the best version of myself. And it's why I get it. I get when women come to us and they say, why don't you, why don't you speak to men? Well, firstly, I hope there's lots of men listening to this podcast. And if there are lots of men listening to this podcast, rest assured, there's not a single thing I've said here that doesn't apply to you too. But one of the frustrating things to me is when someone comes along and says, you should be telling other people how to, how to do all of this because I come across people and they're not doing it. And I feel like they're so missing the point because I, when you do all of these things that I've talked about, being, having things that make you independent, um, having autonomy over your emotions, truly seeing and accepting someone for

who they are, understanding that the stability creates value, stability coming from both the way that you love and show up for them, also what you expect from them and arguing with someone better than the people from their past. people who are on that level first, who are seriously looking for a relationship and recognize that in you, they found amazing fundamentals that, you know, a great relationship isn't about someone being perfect about someone. It's about someone having great fundamentals, what they will realize someone, anyone who's smart and intelligent and evolved and looking for a relationship will see if you do all of these things will see that you have unbelievable fundamentals but in anyone who hasn't mastered these things themselves and who has we're all somewhere on the spectrum but you know for someone who has the potential to evolve

and grow, when you come along on your, the, your, these things, you'll find them start to, um, metamorphosize in front of you. You'll, you will see that I'm not talking about three years from now. They'll, I'm not talking about dating someone for their potential. I'm saying that you'll see someone adapt in real time to the standard that you're setting for all of these things. And when they feel that they'll realize, my God, this relationship is going to, this relationship is calling on me to be the best I can be. This relationship is turning me into the man I knew I could become or the woman that I knew I could become. And I want more of it, even selfishly. I just want more of this because I know that there's so much growth and healing to be done in this relationship with this person. And that is why fighting for someone's attention is a losing game.

Slowing down, calming down, and from a very grounded and centered place, doing these five things is the only way to create a worthwhile relationship and to allow someone to truly see your value don't fight for attention show your value exactly if you want to learn how to do these things because you may be listening to us going, that's amazing. How do I argue better? How do I show my boundaries? How do I communicate what I'm not okay with in the way that you said? How do I have autonomy over my emotions? Because it sounds so easy, but actually in practice, I really struggle with that. And I end up putting it on the person that I'm with. How do I find those things that I'm passionate about and show this person those things in a really attractive way? you haven't joined yet, there is no better time because we have a 14 day free trial for you to come and just try out being a member for two weeks, absolutely free. Um, and stay on if you love it.

And if you don't love it, you can jump off with no hassle at all. Um, so go check that out at askmh.com. We have webinars coming up with me and with Stephen live where we'll be coaching you in your love life. So that's much more immersive than what we do on the podcast. What we do on the podcast is philosophize a bit, talk about different subjects. The membership is where we actually coach you both through a treasure trove of videos that we have for every stage of your love life, but also through live training every month with myself and with Stephen. And before we go, Steve, we had a review here on iTunes from Dandy Moon, which is a fantastic name. I think that's my favorite one

so far. It sounds like a fashionable ale, a Dandy Moon, please, my favorite one so far it sounds like a fashionable ale a dandy moon please barkeep i thought it sounded like an anime um dandy moon says uh subject grateful heart thank you for being the voices of calm and reason when everything else feels like it's spinning out of control love life life has inspired me, had me in tears and put the biggest smile on my face. I always find myself nodding along and saying that finally makes sense. Better late than never onwards and upwards. Cheers boys. Thank you, dandy moon. And if you'd like to leave us a review, if you're a listener right now, it really does mean a lot to us. And frankly, it helps other people find the podcast when you leave reviews.

And it, you know, I never, when I, when I go on Airbnb to book a place, I don't care about the review from six months ago. That doesn't make me book a place. I want to know what did someone experience yesterday when they stayed there? So I believe the similar psychology happens with podcasts. The review you leave today is the one that matters the most because it tells people how we are today, not how good we were six months ago. So leave us a review.

It really does mean a lot on iTunes. And if you'd like to email into the podcast, a question for me and Steve, or a story, or just your thoughts in general on the podcast, email us podcast at matthewhussey.com. And please, please keep your email to a reasonable length. We appreciate you guys. And we'll speak to you soon. Thanks everyone. Bye-bye. Bye.