Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 158: Men Find THESE Things Irresistible in Women

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

Matt gives some psychological and practical tips on irresistible traits that boost your attraction both in the long-term and courtship stages of dating. --- Download our free "5 Compliments" guide at SayThisToHim.com  --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey ---  Email us! You can get in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail]

Hello everyone and welcome back to the podcast. I am Stephen Hussey and we have some fresh, hot serving of great content from Matthew Hussey today. My brother and co-host of course and you know his face is on the podcast logo so why not let's hear from that guy. Matthew's going to be talking about things that men find irresistible in women and I think you're going to really really enjoy this lots of practical tips in here and psychological insights dare I say also you can go and download our free five compliments guide five compliments that can get any guy to turn his head you can check that out at say this to him.com say this to him dot com and you can go and get your free guide. And I'll leave a link in the description of the podcast as well.

All right. That is it for me. Pickles over to Maddie boy. In this video, I'm going to show you how your dream guy is watching you in moments where you don't even realize it, and those moments are determining whether or not he commits. We mistakenly believe that if we're the right person for our partner, they will choose us. They will commit to us. What we forget is that the way we act with everybody else in their lives is equally important. And in this video, I'm going to show you for three different stages of dating, how the way you act around other people is going to affect his decision

to commit or not. The first stage of dating I want to talk about is the early dating phases. When you're going on the first few dates with someone. What's the defining factor here? Showing that you are capable with strangers. Ladies, you know how unattractive it is when a guy is rude to waiters, when he's not nice to service staff or people in the street that ask him for help that he doesn't have to be nice to. You know how unattractive that is.

Well, it works in reverse. When you're polite to people you don't need to be polite to. He pays attention and sees you for a warm and kind person. You also get massive points if when a guy takes you to a party or somewhere where he knows people, he doesn't feel like he has to babysit you. It's one of the most attractive qualities, isn't it? When we're with someone and they can handle themselves, they can go and talk to people without needing us to be next to them the entire time. The second stage I want to talk about is the phase of dating

where he begins to introduce you to certain important people in his life. So we're getting along a little bit here. He's introducing you to friends, maybe even family, colleagues, his boss, people that he wants to impress, people that he cares about the opinions of. Now with these people, the key at this stage of the relationship is not to over invest in them. You don't want to go into people

pleaser mode where you're trying to do everything to please them. It's more about making sure that he feels comfortable giving them his time. To give you a practical scenario, let's say you're at his friend's birthday. In this moment, there are a couple of crucial mistakes people often make. One is when he's having great conversations with people that he's bonding with and catching up with, instead of recognizing that important bonding time is happening, the person pulls him out of the conversation or interrupts mid-sentence so that they can be attended to again, so that he can be with them. Or halfway through the night they say, I'm tired I want to go home. Instead of either staying to support the person because they know it's an important

moment or an important time with important people for them or saying listen I'm really tired I'm gonna go home but I don't want you to come with me because I want you to have a great time I'll be fine I can call a cab or maybe he calls you a cab but I don't need you to come with me I really want you to have a good time. Not making that person feel guilty for the time they're spending with important people. The heart of this stage of commitment is showing that you're supportive of his relationships. You encourage him to go and spend time with those people. Maybe you even give him ideas of things he could do with those people.

And I'm not saying with you involved. When he wants to have a night with his friends, you encourage him. When he wants to go and see his family, you encourage that. When you show him you're selfless about wanting the best for his relationships with the important people in his life, he sees you as someone that will make him a better person and a loyal teammate. And the third phase of commitment here is what you do when you're actually in the relationship and you now have your own bonds with the people in his life. When he sees that you show an interest

in the people that he cares about. It could be mentioning that you've heard about their hobbies. I heard you love skiing. Tell me more about that. When was the last time you went? It could be passing on a compliment. Like, I heard you're an incredible writer. What stuff do you enjoy writing about the most?

It's also nice sometimes if you take an opportunity to invite the family or the friends of your significant other to do something, even when you know he's not around. So if he's on holiday or if he's not around for the day and you went shopping with his mom or you just had a fun phone conversation with his sister. Now, you have to be a little careful with this, obviously, because if you do it too soon, it looks like you're intruding on his personal space and if you're doing it with the wrong people, people that he doesn't value that much in his family, he might find it a slight betrayal that you're going behind his back and having relationships with people. But when he

does have friends and family that he loves to pieces and you show that you have your own little relationship with them, a guy can get a huge kick out of that. Why does all of this work, by the way? Firstly, most of us care about the opinions of the people we know and love. The people that existed before this new partner came into our lives. So much as we may not like that their opinions are influenced by other people, that's the truth. Being great with the other people in their lives and at least putting in effort, even if it doesn't pan out

because we can't get on with everybody, but at least trying is something that our partner sees. But secondly, let's step back for a moment. When you commit to somebody in life, you're not just committing to that person, you're committing to their relationship with the rest of the world. Because you know that you're going to be close enough to them that the way they treat everybody else is also going to have an impact on you.

So when we see somebody behaving with other people the way we always imagined our dream partner would, the decision to commit becomes that much clearer. When you want a guy to commit, don't just focus on the way you are with him. Focus on the way you are with everybody else. Because trust me, he's watching. What are four of the primary traits that men are really looking for in a woman? Now obviously this is subjective, obviously not every man follows these four as their top four, but I think this is a pretty good stab at it. Number one, playfulness. Playfulness is one of the most attractive traits because life is hard enough without being with someone who is serious all the time.

So we look for that in our partner. That could be somebody who when a great song comes on, they start dancing in a funny way or in a silly way or in just a cute way. It could be somebody who when they look at you in that moment, they say, if you don't kiss me right now, I'm going to die. The second one is sexiness.

Sexy is not somebody who has to be overtly sexual. It's somebody who shows their sexual side. You can show it by moving in a sexy way. You can do it by showing somebody that you desire them. It can be by a look that you give somebody. You can give a guy a little cheeky look across the table that says I'm undressing you right now with my eyes and you don't even know it and now he picks up on something but you don't actually have to say that that's what you're doing when he says what you can go what I wasn't I

was just looking at you and in that moment there's some tension. Or you can interpret a look he gives you. And when he looks at you a certain way, if it's sort of manly and strong and there's something seductive about it, you could look at him and be like, you can't look at me like that. Not in public. Don't do that.

That's bad. And then look away, turn away. Get him out of your sight because it's too much for you. Just in that moment, he feels that sexual tension and he sees that you have a sexual side. Number three, nurturing. The person who makes you feel both loved and looked after. That's the person who, when they see you yawn,

doesn't like slap you on the arm and say, wake up, it's still early. It's the person who, when you yawn, says, long day, babe. Let me, come here, give me a cuddle. Now, number four is independence. When you are independent, when you have your own life, your own hobbies, things you enjoy doing,

things you enjoy learning about, and you have your own strength of mind independent of him, that's what keeps him attracted. That's what keeps his desire level high. Now, this may sound intimidating, but you don't need to be all of these four traits at the same time. The key is to be the right amount of it at the appropriate time. And if somebody sees that over the course of a day or a week, you can be all of these different parts of you, they see a multifaceted human being that they never want to let go of. Now, if you enjoyed this video and you want even more specific and practical advice, I have five things that you can say to a guy that get him massively attracted to you and

in a way that's unique to you. Check it out, it's at SayThisToHim.com. I will link it up here and see you in the next video. There's a woman who sent something in that I think we've all been able to relate to at some point. So here goes. My boyfriend is around hot women a lot. He's also super hot. How do I come across as high value

without getting jealous or insecure? This is really common. We meet someone, we're attracted to them, but we're also worried once we have them that we're now going to lose them. It's actually one of the, in a way, the great tragedies of so many relationships is that we think that the battle is getting them, but once we've got them, all of a sudden a whole new set of insecurities arise. Will they abandon me? Will they find someone better? Will they find someone prettier? Are they too good looking for me? Will they realise that I'm not enough for them at some point and leave me? You feel yourself getting jealous, over analysing. All of these things happen

when you meet someone you really like if you're not in a strong place when you meet them. Now there's a few problems here. Firstly, we have to stop playing the comparison game between ourselves and other people. There will always be someone who is objectively hotter than us. You know, in the magazine sense of the word. There'll always be someone

with a more perfect symmetry in their face. There'll always be someone with that body that looks more like it should be playing the lead in a movie. The problem with focusing on, is my partner too hot for me? Are they going to find someone prettier than me? Are they going to leave me for that person? Is that it puts all of our focus on things that are outside of our control instead of what's inside our control. You're putting your focus on how your partner's feelings might change or them going to a party tonight where there might be good-looking people there. You

can't control these factors and by the way the moment you start trying to control those factors you already lose. You're already essentially damaging your relationship. When you tell someone they can't do something you can't go there because that sort of person is gonna be there. I don't want you talking to that person. What we have to be doing is instead of trying to control things that we can't control,

focus on the influence that we can have with how great we are. So you can't control someone's behavior, but you can influence their behavior. And the greatest way to influence someone's behavior is to be great. Ultimately, the answer to every relationship question is to be great, to be better, to focus on better communication, to focus on becoming more interesting as a person,

to focus on growing as a person, to focus on becoming more confident, to living a richer, fuller life. And the person that holds on to their partner is the person that isn't trying to cling on they're the person that just focuses on creating this incredible world that someone else gets to be a part of the people that I've been most into in my life haven't necessarily been the best-looking people they've been the people that as a package represented something to me that was irreplaceable maybe Maybe it was the way their mind worked and I found the way their mind worked to be so sexy. It might

have been their take on situations or their wit, the way they went about life, their level of loyalty, their level of kindness, their level of sex appeal which by the way often has nothing to do with someone's symmetry in their beauty. It has to do with the way they carry themselves. We also have to remember that love tends to win. You can become attracted to someone in a moment of infatuation, but love,

the love between two people who have built a bond, who really look out for each other, that feeling usually wins. Now that's not to say that people don't make mistakes, people slip up, they cheat, and that's a discussion for another time, what causes cheating, but we know that even if it's not actual cheating,

there are moments where people have a wandering eye or they might feel lust for somebody. But love wins. Love is a different thing. Love is that connection between two people that really means something because two people have fallen in love with what each other represent and what they bring to each other's lives and the package that they are, not a feature. People fall in love with packages, not features. If you focus on becoming the rounded package, the person that really brings it in every area, and then you lose your partner to somebody

else, they decide that they want to go with somebody who looks different or gives them something different, in a way at least you can sleep at night knowing that you gave your all instead of focusing your time on trying to protect your relationship from people that you perceive to be hotter Than you you can sleep knowing you really did give it your all I think the biggest tragedy is when people don't give their all because they give in to insecurity and jealousy and drama That's when relationships really lose the focus should not be on looks, on winning a battle you can't win, it should be on how much value you bring to the table and ultimately that's going to define your relationship.

Brian? Hey. You don't remember me, do you? No, from Sean's party. Caitlin. Ah, the name shame. The moment where you say, you don't remember my name, do you? Now, I know why people do it. They're sort of insecure, they're feeling vulnerable, they want to be remembered but they're worried

that they're not memorable. So they go up to someone and in some passive aggressive attempt to take power back and put the other person on the back foot they say you don't remember me do you? The problem is instead of aiding attraction it becomes a turn-off because the person who says it just comes off as petty and insecure. Instead, this will get you further. Oh, hey, it's Caitlin. We met at Sean's party, right? Hey. Yeah, you and your friend took off early. How have you been? Oh my God, so busy. Work is crazy right now. So much is going on.

Super tired and busy. Yeah, it's busy. Yeah. No, it's crazy. Alright, yeah, yeah, gotta go. Gotta go. Yep, alright. Just give me two seconds James so let me finish this message.

Anastasia? Yeah? Yeah, can I get a coffee, mate? So tired. I cannot keep going without my coffee. The problem with saying I'm so busy is that it says one of two things. Either I don't have anything interesting to say, or I validate myself and feel important

based on how busy I am. So quick tip, when someone asks you how are you or what have you been up to, instead of trying to sum up the last three months of your life in two sentences, which is nearly impossible, simply root yourself in the present and talk about something that just happened. Hey. Yeah, you and your friend took off early.

How have you been? Really good. My friend's still in town and I just took her to her first yoga class. That's awesome. You look great. Oh God, no. I look disgusting right now. Self-deprecating is endearing. It's charming. Self-defecating is when, well, you take somebody else's compliment and you pull down your pants and take a big old poop all over it. It is possible to maintain your humble charm and accept a compliment at the same time.

You look great. Aw, thank you. You just made my day. Right after yoga isn't always my sexiest. So, how's your friend like in the city so far? She's having a really good time. But between us, she's having some issues with her boyfriend right now, so she's not really in a good spot. Oh.

Hear ye, hear ye! The secrets of my friends, all told to me in confidence. The town crier is the person who goes around spreading other people's gossip to the person in front of them either because they don't know anything else to say or because they think it's actually interesting. The problem is all it demonstrates is a lack of loyalty. This man might one day want her to be loyal to him, but all he's learning right now is that when she learns things about him they could just as

easily be passed to the next perfect stranger in front of her. Practice restraint and direct your conversation toward positive things especially when talking about other people because you in turn will appear as an attractive and positive person. Why don't you do it? I don't know how to work. Do the honor. Yeah. Technology. This isn't about having the perfect conversation. In fact, romantic conversations are rarely perfect. They're often messy and a little awkward. What it is about is making the most of the opportunity that's right in front of you. And the truth is, amazing opportunities are all around us.

They're in the coffee shop, they're in the street, they're in the bookshop, they're in the elevator on our way up to our workplace. But most of us aren't good at making the most of the opportunities around us. We don't take those little baby steps to meet people, to flirt with people. Maybe we're out of practice.

Maybe we just don't think that we're good at that. But we all can be. This week, I have a special guest in the form of one of my best friends and cousins, Billy Jennings. Hi, Bill. How you doing, Matt? Billy is one of our retreat coaches, and he is going to help us answer the question today of what four things men really want in the bedroom. Billy, why don't you kick us off? Yeah, it's a great question. Flat screen TV on the wall, 65 inch, Nintendo Switch, little mini fridge full of snacks, bed in the shape of a race car. Did you only want four? I've got loads. I thought I'd do a video on my own today about the four things men really want in the bedroom. So let's begin. Number one, clues. Look, two things tend to be true. One, men want to please. Two, women are rarely the same. Whether it's positions,

pressure, words that you like, you have your own unique formula that turns you on. And unless you give him clues as to how to do that, he probably won't be able to please you as well as he could. And there's an important distinction. Don't talk about something you've enjoyed in the past. Talk about something that would be really hot if he did it. Number two, to feel like it doesn't have to be a saga every time. Now, I'm not saying guys should get away with never trying, never setting a mood, never laying out candles, making it romantic, creating atmosphere. What I am saying is if we tell each other that every time we make love, it has to be this big deal with this big build up and it has to be crazy and amazing with 40 different positions.

We should be mixing it up. Not all sex is penetration. Not all making love is a marathon and not every time has to be the best time. Too many formal dinners become staid and too much fast food becomes cheap. But there's Michelin-star restaurants and there's Shake Shack. And depending on your mood, both of them can be a delight. Number three, he wants to feel hot outside of the bedroom. And I'm not talking about the one time a year where he puts on a tux for a wedding. I'm talking about everyday scenarios. His scruff

looks good today. Tell him you can't wait to get him home. He just looked at you in a way that made you want to jump him when you get home? Tell him. Or in the middle of Starbucks, just grab him inappropriately when no one else is watching. One of the sure ways to make our love lives boring is to compartmentalize the places where we get sexual. Oh, we're in bed now? Let's engage in sexual activity. No, create that tension out there in the world and in random situations. And when you get to the bedroom, that fire will already be there because the foreplay has been happening all day. Number four, he wants for you to like your body. Now look, we all have insecurities, but drawing attention to them constantly isn't sexy.

He didn't even give a second of thought to that phantom back fat that you keep talking about, but now it's all he can think about because you keep putting it in his mind. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to discuss sometimes the things that we wish were different in our bodies or the things that we think about. But sometimes you just have to let your partner admire the work of art without pointing out everything you think is wrong with it. So there you have it. Those are four things men really want in the bedroom.

Bill? Fish tank, lava lamp, giant PEZ dispenser, gumball machine, pool table, snooker table, darts board, water slide that goes down to the kitchen. Can you get a Diet Coke out of the mini fridge, please, mate? Yeah, of course, mate. Pinball machine, giant R2-D2 record player, pet chimpanzee in a baby diaper.