Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 16: Everything You Know About Attraction Is Wrong

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

What is the secret that makes a man look into a woman’s eyes and think, “She is the one for me?” It isn’t her looks. It isn’t her masters degree in literature. It isn’t the fact that she had the same favorite pizza place in the city (though that helped…). No, the reason he fell hard for this woman was because of something no one talks about… Maybe it’s happened to you before: You knew you kind of liked a guy, but then he did one special move that made your heart do a triple back flip – now you are crazy about him. How does this happen?? It’s not about fancy tricks, it’s about understanding this secret of deep, lasting attraction... Get Matt's free confidence training at GetCoreConfidence.com 

oh my lord wouldn't you know it it's time for another episode of the Love Life Podcast with me, your proud host, Stephen Hussey. And it is very sunny here in merry old England. The grass is green, the flowers are blooming and spring is finally upon us. and what a time it is for spring to break I hope wherever you're knocking around in the world you're well and what are we doing here today well today we are talking about the big subject of attraction what causes causes it? What keeps it? How do you sustain it? I think that attraction is something that is often oversimplified. We like to think it's just about looks, it's just about visual chemistry, or it's flirting, and that's what attraction is,

and that's what sparks it. And of that is often the beginning that's often the opening move so to speak is I like the look of that person I like the way they smile I like their eyes they have an energy that I find really attractive you know you have an animal response to certain people and that's what chemistry is but there's also a part of attraction that is really underrated and that part is the subtle tiny miniature dare I say micro behaviors that fly under the radar but they are the click the moment where our brain flashes with something that says, whoa, this person is unlike anyone I've ever met. This person is special. I want to be around this person more. I've never met anyone with this quality. Those are the secret, the secret powerful gems that so often people don't

realize are sparking deep attraction in other people. And to make this not abstract, to give you some actual practical examples, I'm going to flick us over to my dear and wise brother, Matthew Hussey, who talks about this subject in the clip coming up. Check it out. Have you ever felt like you weren't pretty enough for the person you want? Or that the person you want is so desirable and so attractive that they have so many options, why would they choose you? I recently asked my Fast Track members, what was a moment with a guy where you realized you were deeply attracted to him? Here's what they said. A mother was pushing her stroller across the street and didn't notice when a blanket fell out. Without hesitation, the guy I was on a date with grabbed it, caught up to her and gave it

back. The guy I was seeing stayed over for the first time. The next morning, I went to make us coffee and when I came back to the bedroom, he had made my bed. Me and a guy were taking a walk one day and he spontaneously asked me, what are two things you're grateful for? It made me so attracted to the positive way he looked at life. I also asked a handful of guys for these moments where they felt deeply attracted to a woman. Here's what a couple of them said. I mentioned a book that meant a lot to me and a week later I found out that she not only had bought a copy but had started reading it for herself. I was speaking on the phone to the woman I was seeing and her friends had just invited her out that night. She told me that she said no

to them because she wanted to stay in and finish a work project that was important to her. I was on a date watching the movie Interstellar and I was trying not to cry during an emotional scene. I looked over to see if she'd noticed me, but her eyes were glued to the screen and she was already crying. I call these moments micro-attractions. The understated moments and behaviors that make us realize someone is the kind of person we might want to spend a life with. And I think this is where the real game

of attraction should be played. This is crucial to understand because we live in a world right now that overvalues all of the wrong things. Money, fame, popularity, how many followers you have on Instagram, all of these things that we think are the barometers for how attractive someone is. But the truth is, when it really comes down to it, for mature, intelligent people, they are looking for a person of character, for a person of integrity, for the type of person who day to day exhibits the qualities that they want to experience in a relationship over a lifetime. So we have to stop ruling ourselves out of the game simply because we think that someone gets a lot of attention or they have a lot of options and start

valuing properly our growth as a person and our character, because I promise you, with the best people, with the most mature and intelligent and emotionally intelligent people, that's where the game is being played. In one of my favorite movies, Vanilla Sky, David Ames, played by Tom Cruise, reflects on the small moments in his life that had giant consequences. He concludes, the little things, there's nothing bigger is there one of the coolest things about this concept of micro attractions is that any of us who have fallen in love with someone before can look back and remember very specific moments very specific characteristics that made someone entirely unique in our minds and the really heartening thing is

to know as matt says in that clip that there are qualities we have that inflame the same spark in other people that make them swoon and they think god i can't believe how great this person i'm with is and you know to to boil it down what we actually can do to engender this feeling in others is to be more comfortable expressing those idiosyncratic specific sides of ourselves in dating and especially even in the early stages I think there's such a tendency for us to close up and we try very very hard to be cool we try hard to fit in to a particular image of attractiveness that we see and if we do that too much you know we're always bringing our quote game face to a

date right we're trying to be the most charming effusive uh engaging version of ourselves that we can be but there's also a naturalness that we need there's also a kind of sinking into who we are and being unafraid and unapologetic it's uh it's like if someone has certain nerdy traits right we always think i should hide them and not be too upfront about them because someone might get the wrong idea and they might assume i'm really dorky and you know the funny thing is if we are that way if we do have certain interests that are considered dorky by the mainstream you kind of want someone who gets that you want someone who finds that endearing and finds it adorable or fun or is into it too and it's like oh my god i love that as well i love

a japanese manga and anime or you know i also love nerding out on comic books and superhero films or whatever it is for you you know those things can be great powerful connectors that make someone think oh my god this person's perfect for me if you're like an art nerd and you know you love literature or your favorite thing is strolling around a museum whatever it is you're passionate about you know a hobby those things to someone are a dream and even if someone doesn't share them they might think god i love that this person is so passionate about that and when they talk about it they light up and yeah i i think the more we are able it's a confidence thing more than anything um the point about micro attractions it's being comfortable with that

side of ourselves and not trying to conform to a particular image and being unafraid if we are the person on a date who does you know cry at a movie and uh you know we just show that i think the sooner we show those idiosyncrasies the sooner sooner someone quickly knows, we know if this is going to work with that person or not, because they either get us or they don't. So even if they don't get us, you get to filter them out much quicker because you're like, wow, they saw that side of me and didn't respond to it, or I saw a side of them that I wasn't into. So the more you're just very much yourself in those moments and the more you have dates that create those moments, you know, maybe you just mix up the date a bit so that you go walk and hang out and do different things, different energies. If it's dancing, if it's something more quiet, you know, whatever it

is, you mix up that energy and you get to see people in very different scenarios. And that's how you get to express personality. So I think there's so much to learn from this micro attractions point and think about the things that have attracted you to someone in the past even if you wrote down like what were the moments that made me realize that person and I was completely taken with that person and they'd stolen my heart you'll realize oh yes maybe i thought they were attractive physically but actually it was moments it was specific circumstances specific thing they did a one behavior a look um a particular joke or a particular sweet thing they did and that's encouraging because we realize the game isn't just about you know visual attraction

it's not just about superficial thing the actual process of falling for someone is a much deeper richer complex thing and the more we are willing to show that uh the more people we're going to find who get it and respond to it so uh let me know in the email times you've experienced these micro-attractions that made you fall for someone else. Email me at podcast.matthewhussey.com. I'd love to hear a few examples of things that you fell in love with, with someone else. And if you would like to start transforming your confidence today, if you're serious about wanting to be comfortable in your own skin wanting to actually feel self-love so that you feel

comfortable showing who you really are so that you can be yourself in those moments when you're attracted to someone and you don't stiffen up and tighten and lose all your spontaneity you can start right now go and get our free training at getcoreconfidence.com. You're going to see Matt do some free training to actually give you the foundations for core, deep, inner confidence. That's getcoreconfidence.com. Okay, I'm going to head out now on this good Friday and start to enjoy my Easter weekend. It's going to be a bit of a strange one. Obviously, we're still rather housebound in the current situation, but the sun is shining,

and perhaps I'll go for a lovely stroll or a run in the sun this weekend. That would be lovely and get my vitamin, or vitamin for you Americans, vitamin D, and soak it up a little bit okay thank you so much for listening have a wonderful weekend keep healthy and i'll see you soon i see the blog sites got a new wife shorty got a new book yeah love beautiful