Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 165: How “Sexual Expectations” Affect Your Relationship’s Potential...

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

When it comes to sex, some of us have very specific ideas about what it should be like in a relationship. There’s the “sexual destiny” mindset, which says that sex should be amazing from the start and is entirely about natural chemistry. Then there’s the “sexual growth” mindset, which says that sex can improve over time and couples can work out sexual differences. In this episode, Matt and Stephen discuss the difference between these mindsets and what they mean for a potential relationship. --- Let's Create Magic in Your Life, Together. Join Me In-Person for the Return of The Matthew Hussey Retreat (May 30th - June 5th) → http://www.MHRetreat.com --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- Email us! You can get in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail]

If needing the big show is what's always needed, you know, the dinner, the Live podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and you, Stephen Hussey. Hello there, piggles, peaches, puddings and pears. And speaking of which, Matthew, we've had some emails in. Sorry, speaking of which, Matthew, we've had some emails in. Sorry, speaking of which? Speaking of my introduction, we've had some emails in responding to your call for whether calling our audience pickles is appropriate. Oh, so speaking of pickles. Yes. Okay. And Matt, it's a resounding thumbs up.

What does that mean? Well, Karen, on to the main reason for my email, Matthew. Don't you dare censor Stephen's use of the word pickles to address the audience. I look forward to it now and you need to accept it's just a part of the show. You do you, Stephen. Thank you, Karen. Sorry, this isn't an empowerment thing. Laura says, I love pickles as an innocent and tribal term of endearment shelby leave steven

alone pickles is a term of endearment and makes your followers sound like an intimate group love the pod matthew you rock this is like people sticking up for britney spears what we're what we're both deserving of someone to come to our defence in injustice. I'm just saying the level, the level of hysteria over pickles. Michelle, yes to pickles, yes to your podcast. Now, in the name of balance, I'm going to give the email from the one dissenter. Oh, good. Okay. Thank you for this. It is a man named Dan. When Stephen says pickle, it makes me think of a sleazy family member

who keeps being invited to events, but nobody knows why anymore. I wouldn't go that far with you, Steve. No one would describe me as that. I wouldn't. I'm afraid, Dan. I'm not sure that's necessarily a criticism. Maybe he's just working some stuff out, and Steve actually just caused him

to actually you know work out some of his past trauma because of uh calling him out as a pickle i thought maybe maybe dan's got a very specific family experience with pickles i don't know but helen says yes to pickles love it so i mean the votes are in, Matt. It's an overwhelming yes. We'll keep it for now. Keep it for now. We'll put pickles. We'll keep it for now, but we'll revisit it. Right, okay.

We'll pencil that. One survey isn't enough. We'll keep the results coming in. Reserve the right to change our mind later. Well, Matthew, we also had a lovely email review just before we get on to talking about sexual expectations today. This was a review from Lillian who said, I recently, Matthew, discovered your podcast

and the episode on single shaming really resonated with me. I sometimes feel awkward being the eternal single friend in my group. I try to explain why I don't feel it's my time right now to invest myself in a serious relationship and how content I can be as a single soul. I do believe in the magic of finding a significant other that makes one's spirit grow, but I also enjoy singleness a lot. She says, Matt, I completely love the idea of settling on the way things are right now and making the best of it.

It has given me a new perspective to address things in life. I was particularly inspired by the example you gave on how regardless of how big or small your housing was at the moment, you always cared for it by making it cozy. Last weekend, I was wondering if it was worth redecorating my room this year considering I may be able to move out of my parents home finally yeah by next January.

After hearing this episode I'm now convinced that it's definitely worth it because the latter may or may not happen but in the meantime it's true that in the best case scenario I'll be spending eight more months sleeping in my current bedroom and redecorating it will definitely make this time more comfortable and joyful. It is a silly example, but I perceive it as a way of practicing the settling on philosophy

and giving myself love and attention by investing time in changing my space to better fit my needs. Thanks for a cheerful night listening to your insights on single life. From Lillian. In Mexico, no less. In Mexico.

Very good. That was lovely. That was lovely, Lillian. Thank you so much. Well, Matt, on to the main issue today. Do you have sexual expectations in your relationships are you literally asking me i'm asking you well that's personal

don't we all don't we all don't we all have things that we needs that we expect on some level to satisfy within a relationship? We do indeed. And what I want to bring to your attention is there's an article talking about how our mindset towards sex can completely affect the quality of our happiness and satisfaction in our love lives. There was an episode of Sex and the City where carrie bradshaw had bad sex with a guy a disappointing sex with a guy twice and basically the advice from her friends was dump him from samantha i believe and there's a lecturer called jessica max Maxwell of psychology who went to do a study about how your expectations and compatibility, your expectations about compatibility affect your relationship in sex. towards this of thinking you just have to naturally be compatible or you don't you shouldn't have to do any work to make your sex great it should just fit perfectly she calls this a sexual

destiny mindset and she said that over time those people struggled a lot more to maintain their happiness and satisfaction in a relationship, especially when there were problems down the line, when there were challenges, you have a baby and the sex changes. The people who thought it should just be like magic, it just clicks, it fits together, it's our destiny. Those people struggled more than the people who had a sexual growth mindset. Being the idea that sex can improve over time, that they agreed with statements like the ideal relationship develops gradually over time, challenges and obstacles can make love even stronger.

And those people were more likely to tough it out in the difficult points and to just experience longer term happiness. I think this is really interesting because I have a little conflict on this and in general I agree with that growth mindset but we do know there is a magic to when you feel like, especially sexually, you meet a partner and you feel like, whoa, this is amazing. Like, it feels different. You know when it feels right initially. It's not like, oh, it was the per- no, I don't think anyone's sex with their partner the first time is the best sexual experience they ever have with that partner but they do feel a sense of that felt that something felt really right there

so you are a sexual destiny person no i'm not because matt i would say that the the sex does get better but it only gets better when you are with someone who has a kind of pragmatic mindset towards sex, where it's not always flowers, candles, it's got to be the perfect feeling and the moment. The people who, in my experience, when there's too much of a sense that it always has to be special, it has to be romantic, it kind of doesn't. I think that's the less satisfying course on the relationship. In my experience, it's more when someone's like, you do have to sometimes just please each other or you think about how can we make this better? Or sometimes you're like, I just want to get you off tonight. Like one're like let's just i just want to get you off tonight like one of you's thinking i just want to get you off and do what you know pleases you or turn you on and there's a more pragmatic sense of you know

what's the right sex for this moment or how do we just do this better for you tonight or what's something i can do that's going to please you there's there's more of a give and take a more of a kind of let's make this better together but you are in the camp of when you first have sex with someone you need to feel like there was a bit of a wow factor i think not even a wow factor it just you get this sense of like maybe that's what chemistry with someone is or some feeling of like uh i don't know insatiability or i want more of them i want to be close to them again you kind of feel that that sense of it just it gives you yeah i don't i don't know how to explain it better than it does give you a feeling of like that felt right with that person and you definitely know it you know it when it didn't feel like when

people have had when you've had bad sex like especially the first or second time i think you just you do tend to feel like it wasn't just about that oh that wasn't my favorite kind of sex to have i think you more feel a sense of it just didn't i just didn't feel something with that person but what if you have a what if kissing them feels good but the sex is it doesn't you know it feels off again i'm not saying, even the kissing, right? Sometimes the first kiss you have with someone new is not, you learn each other's kissing style almost, but you feel a sense of like, that gave me a tingle.

That was great. Even if you're like, oh, that person uses way too much tongue. I don't like that much tongue. You kind of then learn each other's style more. The same is true of sex i think yes but i'm saying even if you know the sex wasn't the mind-blowing or the particular thing you like you do tend to feel that there was a like oh there was some spark flying there something felt great we had a natural chemistry together it might be like i loved their smell or it felt good or whatever even if it wasn't like oh that was the best thing that was my favorite thing ever the thing that most turned me on you do feel some kind of natural

chemistry with that person well i think that you can feel chemistry with someone but then get to the bedroom and feel like it somehow wasn't what you thought it would be or it was it felt off in not in a kind of really um not off in a scary way or anything like that, but it just felt... Like a bit awkward or the first time? Awkward or your styles were mismatched and therefore there is a kind of, I don't know, a disappointment or a feeling of maybe we're not compatible in this department.

But I do think that the initial sex isn't or isn't always a very good indicator of that i think that you can feel chemistry with someone go to bed think that oh that felt not right right but that can actually move quite a distance from where it originally was. I agree. I do agree with that. I guess I'm talking more about some primal feeling of almost like pheromones or something.

You feel a pull towards that person or you just, you know know you really want to be physically close to them there's a you know i mean just just there's something beyond just i think they're physically attractive there's like a sense of that felt really good when we kissed or you know but i i agree with you the the actual distance it can go can be vast in terms of the gap between when the relationship started and months in i do think that takes a very specific mindset that's the part where i really agree with what um jessica maxwell says is that you do need you need that pragmatic sense of, we're going to work this together, almost. We're going to figure each other out. I suppose it's hard to have that in the beginning, right? When

you don't know each other that well, that's kind of the we'll get it right thing is, it feels more like almost a relationship conversation than an early dating conversation but don't you think a little bit you can sometimes even feel early really early on even the first time you have sex with someone you can even feel really early on that they they want to turn you on and you want to turn them on. You can almost tell the difference between a selfish lover or a passive lover and someone who's very much like, no, I know it's the first couple of times,

but they're still putting in effort and you're trying to please them. Although a lot of people, I think we sometimes forget how much nerves plays a part in the first time two people have sex so in the first time yeah the there's you know there's a lot of you both just trying to make it not not not do anything bad or embarrassing or wrong right you know and even yeah a lack of comfort that can especially for women make it difficult for them to just relax and enjoy it you know actually be comfortable with some in an intimate space with someone in that way and so i think that we don't we don't really get a sense of each the same way that on a date we don't get we only get a sense of someone

but we don't actually necessarily see their true colors or we don't see their most playful side we don't see them at their most with a real sense of abandon we don't we just don't see their most playful side we don't see them at their most with a real sense of abandon we don't we just don't see that very human stuff and i think sex is the same that we don't the idea of going to bed with someone for the first one or two times and saying we know them sexually is is kind of absurd because you're not going to tell your fantasies and you're you know you're not going to like explore a lot sexually are you or you're just yeah or even if you you know people have different you know uh boundaries on the first time together but even if you're very liberal in what you're willing to do in that first

occasion with someone there's still there's still no intimacy yeah or or there's unlikely to be the intimacy that's going to be there later on yeah there's still a sense of tiptoeing around each other or you know you're you're really getting to know each other there's a connection that hasn't been built yet and that's not to say there's sex where there's immediate fireworks and there's huge comfort and wow wasn't that amazing and you know that felt so natural and that felt so there's that sex but there's also there's also so much room for awkward sex to begin with so much room for i don't know what you like you don't know what i like we wouldn't even care to tell each other what we like right now because that would somehow feel inappropriate or it would feel like i'm

revealing too much about myself or i'm literally bringing my last relationship into this first time with you or you know so and there's like a like a game of chicken like i'm not going to be too vulnerable and you know see who's more vulnerable first or like you're not you're not going to like go revealing everything yeah so i i do think i i think we probably do judge these things way too harshly early on and we don't give things space to to evolve um and it can be you know that that's as much about getting to know each other as any other part of being with someone like learning someone's each other's habits and deciding what you, how to work and live together sort of thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's why we would put sex in a special category of that's supposed to just be great. But the rest of us takes time to get to know each other and get comfortable and so on.

It's the most intimate thing you can do with somebody so i do i do think that it takes time and i do think i you know or it can take time it can also go nowhere but if you really like someone if you're having a great time with them and the only thing that's making you question it is the sex, that might just come down to communication. If it paints a picture that's the same as everywhere else, then okay. But if that's the one thing that's holding you back, and you know you do find the person attractive,

but the sex just feels a little off, then that's communication. That's educating someone bit by bit on what you like and learning about them. And it's amazing the extent to which people respond to direction. If you tell someone what you're into or the pace that you like or the pressure that you like or that this there's so much that people are willing to learn and be like oh okay i didn't realize you know we we do get it wrong yeah we do we get it massively wrong in this area but we can learn each other. And I think that what's more interesting than how great of a lover someone is at the time you meet them, or how compatible it feels right off the bat when you're both supposed to be mind readers, is how well does this person respond to direction? How well does this person listen when I talk about what i'd like them to do

or the way i'd like to do it that is going to be a far more important barometer of the compatibility of the relationship than how great it is from the get-go and that's true well into a relationship right it It's the ability to communicate. That is going to be the thing that defines how great it can be. Is do I feel safe to talk and to say things that I would like to happen? Whether they're fantasies, whether they're things I would like you to do differently. Of course, we have to approach these things in a tactful way. But do I feel safe? Do I feel I'm in a relationship or in a dynamic where there's a kind of space to do that and are you someone who can hear those things are you someone who can respond

to those things that is going to be where the strength of the relationship and the sex comes from yeah i think responsiveness strength of responsiveness is such a crucial thing in sex, in relationships, in understanding your needs. Like not just hearing it, but being like, oh, I'm going to try that then next time because they seem to enjoy that. Or that was something they said they really liked. Like, you know, it's like if your partner says, oh, I love it when you bring me me flowers like just even being responsive and noting noting what you're actually hearing from someone that combined with like say say in sex like being open-minded and not immediately like judging someone's needs and kind of being open to being like well maybe their needs are a bit different to mine you know just understanding that

you know maybe there's something they love that is normally not my thing or you know within reason but thinking oh they love that so we'll do that and other times it's all about you and it's like giving someone a massage and sometimes you're the one who gets massaged you know like you know or someone likes a massage and you don't and so you just you just go oh okay then i'll give them a massage just because i don't like a massage it doesn't mean i can't give one so it's those things are really important and not judging someone else for what they like for what right they're into or what they'd like you to do it the moment someone you can overcome so much difference if the two of you can in an enjoyable

or fun or playful way talk about the things that you'd like to do together yeah and you don't have to share all the same ideas of what's sexy or what's hot you have to be curious what's really required for a great sex life is curiosity about each other right curiosity and not judging yeah if you can be genuinely curious about what will turn someone on about what they like about what would be something that they would like to try if you could be genuinely curious about that and create a space for someone where they don't feel judged for saying those things the that will someone will see you as an an incredibly difficult person to lose. Because what you find then is not, oh, I found the ultimate compatible partner sexually

who came to me just pre-made to be compatible with me. What you learn is, oh my God, I have someone who's committed to my sexual pleasure. Right. oh my god i have someone who's committed to my sexual pleasure right i have someone who's committed to what would make me excited and turned on and it's almost having more of an outcome basis instead of like the process like me and jay if i can put you on the spot are you mic'd jay if I can put you on the spot, are you mic'd? Jay, if I can put you on the spot, we talked a bit about this, about letting go of the idea that the leading up to sex always has to be this perfect dance. That's right, yeah.

And I think, well, I think what's interesting about what you said, Matt, about curiosity is I would just try to couple that with a bit of energy or like a little bit of intensity into it where it's like when you're starting off with somebody there's just naturally going to be you know what you want the movie version of this is there's just naturally that energy and that intensity and that's nice when it happens naturally you know and I think well we we can talk about this later but it's just like Hollywood and wherever like makes that you know and I think well we we can talk about this later but it's just like Hollywood and wherever like makes that you know a bit hard to live up to Hollywood porn hub everything makes

that difficult to live up to but what's interesting about what you're saying Steve is um that sort of like outcome dependency more like if you if you take that energy and you just kind of like you try to you try to maintain it later on in a relationship for something long term i think that that really helps because you can you can at least set aside you know that that's actually going to be something that requires a bit of work a bit of effort to have that energy that maybe you had early on right and if you set aside like okay i'm gonna have a plan for this it might not be like if you set aside like okay I'm gonna have a plan for this. It might not be like the most naturally occurring energy but I'm gonna like set aside some

effort and the effort is gonna be…it doesn't necessarily have to be like this long drawn out involves candles or whatever. It could just be like oh I'm gonna turn off the tv and focus on you now I'm gonna like you you know just like it doesn't have to be this long bit of foreplay but it could be like all right um let's let's almost this doesn't sound romantic but let's mark this off the list let's get this consistently done because otherwise a week can go by a month can go by yeah we were saying like if every time you think we have to go to dinner dress up we have to do a thing and then we come home and have like passionate sex it's like you

are then making it something that is not a sustainable way to fit this into your relationship like sometimes it will be fast sometimes it might be 10 minutes before you both go out sometimes it's like one of us is just horny tonight and you know we we get someone off or something and it is like the more you allow for the fact that there'll be different kinds there'll be romantic one encounters and there might be some that are a bit more like let's just do this tonight yeah i mean i people certainly don't i think enough treats sex as a just a wildly different set of experiences you know it it can be fast food it can be a gourmet meal right it can be shake shack it can be a 12 course tasting menu you know like it's it really can be

it can be noodles on the side of the street or it can be you having an all-you-can-eat buffet for the whole night it it could be anything that you want it to be and i think sex becomes kind of almost a very literal thing all the time where people can be like it's like oh okay are we gonna have sex tonight instead of like i don't know like it's sometimes it can be sometimes the mood should be let's just take off our clothes and get under the covers and just see what happens you know and maybe nothing or maybe something or maybe like you just start feeling each other up and it's like it just lives there and it's fun and it just lives in that space it you know sometimes it's admitting i am so exhausted and still horny at the same time and i don't know what to do i have nothing but i'm horny

you know and it's like what is it what happens when you say that does anything maybe maybe something different happens or maybe it's like the laziest but kind of fun thing like let's just have all right we let's have sex but i we can't i it has to be unbelievably lazy and you say that you state it instead of it needing to be like a big like i've got to do this big thing now just own it it. Own what it is. Let's just have a really, can we have sex and just make it insanely lazy? Cause I've got nothing to give right now.

You know, I'm revealing too much. Now the problem, the problem is if it's one thing, if it, if it, if that lazy sex is what it always is, that's a problem.

If needing the big show is what's always needed, you know, the dinner, the candles, the thing, the romantic music, the lighting, the, what if it needs to be that every time, then sex is just intimidating. It just becomes this daunting thing that you never get around to because it requires too much. It always has to be penetration. That's a lot. If every time there's foreplay, it has to lead to penetration, then that's a thought, right? Because now, by the way, oh, she's on her period or she doesn't feel like doing that but she wouldn't mind having fun in other ways or you don't or she just doesn't feel like that tonight or he doesn't feel like that tonight it's but it might be open to something else like it's there's there's just

sex is such a it's such a multi-faceted thing and it can be such wildly different things. Totally. And I do think that a lot of our issues come from a kind of stasis. Stasis can be having the same kind of sex all the time, or the same rituals for sex all the time, the same rehearsal, the same or the same dress rehearsal, the same foreplay, the same time it takes, the same time of day, the same place. That kind of stasis is often what makes it problematic.

Or stasis can be that we haven't asked each other in a while, like, what's something fun you'd like to do that we haven't done recently or that we haven't done at all? What's something fun you'd like to try? Or we don't know right now, so why don't we just go to a sex store and just see if anything catches our eye? Or let's go to a sex store and like, just see if anything catches our eye or let's go to a sex store and you pick something and I'll pick something. You know, we both have to buy one thing that we haven't got already. Like, let's go, let's go do that. You know,

or it's watching porn together. Cause you've never done that. Or it's like, it's something that just makes it new or makes it takes you in a different direction, makes you think of each other differently. Or it's, you know, what's a, let's talk about a fantasy that we would never do in real life, but let's like roll, let's talk about it and role play it as a fun fantasy that we talk about. You know what's interesting? This article that you brought up, Steve, was called Great Sexpectations, something like that, right? Yes, it was.

But I do think that you're circling in on what's in that, the word in that title that I think is dangerous that people don't realize is the expectation part. And I think that is probably where you can draw a line from what the article is saying about right at the beginning, expectation part and I think that is probably what you can draw a line from what the article saying about right at the beginning having that expectation is dangerous to what you're saying Matt which is like when you get in like a certain groove and that groove creates like an expectation that is dangerous

too because an expectation you're just stuck in your head and what you want is really like a question mark you want to go into the sex store and not know what you're going to get. You want to go…you know, Dr. Ruth I think it was gave a great piece of advice where it was like have sex before you go out to dinner or whatever because that way you're not like oh what am I going to eat too much? Am I going to be too tired when we get back? It's like you need to remove the expectation. You can't even expect to have sex before you are you kind of have?

To like let that question mark live in your relationship, and I think that's a really interesting Line to draw between what the article is saying and what you're saying about something longer-term I have a rule as well if you're horny like if you're both feeling it Have sex horny like if you're both feeling it have sex because you can't guarantee that an hour from now you'll still feel that like if you if you're about to go out and something about getting dressed together or something about the moment you you know you catch them over there naked put half naked putting on their makeup or whatever you like if if you find yourself horny and they're willing have sex carpe diem don't go yeah

carpe we need we need more latin because sees the something i had a friend and she told me once that oh you've got to have sex before you guys go out otherwise like you just you know just takes it off the table all night you're not thinking about it you're not even if you have 10 minutes or five minutes and you're then that's fun like make the fun that you have five minutes right yeah not the ceremony of but we own you know we only have five minutes and we you know we we have to like that's now you are creating an expectation around sex you are putting these parameters around it that it always has to be this now again if it's only ever five minutes that's a problem the contrast is what creates attraction contrast is the same way that we talk about unique pairings in dating. That one of the things that makes people really attractive is when they have unique

pairings of traits that you don't often find together. So if they happen to be, if they're sexy, but they're also funny and they make you laugh, you know, that's a unique pairing. If someone is very confident, but they can also be really um sensitive and vulnerable about their insecurities uh which you know ironically is just another form of confidence really but still when you have someone who's bold but also is willing to admit their flaws that's a unique pairing there are many many many uniqueings, but unique pairings apply in the bedroom as well. Someone who can simultaneously have a all night ceremonial sex session and also that week, you know, have a five minute moment with you is that's a unique pairing. Oh, it can be both. Sometimes it's the five star meal. Other times it's shake shack. Yeah. You can be both.

You don't have to be one thing in this life. That's what's awesome. You don't have to be one thing. You can be many, many different things in your sex life can be many, many different things. And I do think it over time, it just, you know, it, it hardens, doesn't it? It calcifies people. They get stuck and then they convince themselves that there's no more variety to be had. And that's the part I think we always have to challenge. We have to challenge ourselves to say, is it really true that there's no more variety? Or have I just started seeing my partner the same way all the time? And by the way, if I'm seeing them the same way all the time, maybe I need to change something or maybe I need to communicate something different that I'd like to try, or maybe I'd like to communicate something different that I'd like them to do or them to wear or them to speak about,

you know, let's speak about the unspeakable, you know, what's the unspeakable. Let's speak about something that feels unspeakable. We may never do it, but let's talk about it let's talk about the the taboo let's talk about the thing that will never be on the table but but let's talk let's have a fantasy about it you know like it's all those things that make us remind us that there's so much variety to be had even within uh a relationship over the long term and and in some ways more variety can be had if you feel safe to do to to try all manner of things that you wouldn't do on a one-night stand or with someone that you were just casually seeing you couldn't say those things or you it would feel strange to let someone into your world to that extent pr Proust said, the journey of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes,

but in seeing with new eyes. And that's what this is, right? Every time we mix it up, every time we do something different, it's, and again, mixing it up isn't reading a new edition of Cosmo and saying, oh, this is Cosmopolitan's January position. Let's mix it up with a new position. Like it, that's stupid. That's like the, that's the Cosmo version of mixing it up. It's the cookie cutter way of, yeah. Mixing it up doesn't have to be so literal. Yeah. Mixing it up can just be the time of day. It could just, like you said, it could be before

you go out instead of after you go out. It can be talking about something you don't normally talk about. It can be just asking questions again, actually asking questions. And, and if anything, you know, we started this episode by talking about, should the sex be great in the beginning? And if it's not great in the beginning, does that make that person wrong for you? If if to me if all of this teaches us anything it's that you learn each other you learn each other and as you learn each other things get better and better and better it should be more scary to lose someone as time goes on because you've what you'd be losing at that stage is someone who know like knows you inside out someone who knows what you like knows all the

things you wouldn't dare tell anyone else knows the the you, they know the hidden passageways of your sexual mind. They know the things that there's such intimate details and they're things that, you know, they've come to truly be the, they're the mechanic for your body, you know, like that, that it should be more scary to lose someone later than in the beginning because of what they know and how they know to please you and that's a sign that you've communicated and if anyone's saying but it wasn't wonderful there wasn't amazing you know it in the beginning we didn't have that unbelievable fit well how much have you communicated at that stage yeah and that's where the work comes in that's why they said the sexual destiny mindset says if sexual partners are meant to be together sex will be

easy and wonderful and it's clear right from the start how good a couple's sex life will be and both of those statements don't take into account fact you learn and you have to put in a bit of effort. As it is with every part of a relationship and the measure of a relationship. Yes, chemistry is real. There's certainly an intangible aspect to love. Let's not discount that. There is this difficult to figure out thing between two people that I feel this kind of animal attraction

towards you or you towards me, or we feel a kind of, there is that energy between us on some level, you know, and that's, but even that isn't one thing, you know, that's not not that means different things for different people and it comes in different forms you know for some people it's just i look at you and there's something about you that just drives me crazy for other people it's i get close to you and we kiss and i feel it or we you know i smell you and i feel it or you, there's something about the way you hold me that makes me feel it. It's different things for different people. And I don't, it's not for one couple to judge another couple's chemistry or for movies to dictate what that chemistry looks like. Chemistry is a, is a intangible and sort of mysterious thing. But so much of it can be nurtured and can be grown through how well two people get to know each other.

And if it doesn't get better, if communicating well doesn't put it on an amazing trajectory, that's a problem. But if it does, then what you have is actually more exciting than someone who came preordained for you, pre-made for you. What you have is a relationship that is going to be a living, breathing organism that just keeps getting better and better. Well, thank you to all of you for listening to this. As always, don't forget to go and check out our free guide, The Nine Texts. If you want nine fun ways to flirt and create attraction by

text, that's at ninetexts.com. Come check out the new website if you haven't already. That's howtogettheguy.com. There is a free tool there right now that you can literally go and input your love life challenge on the homepage and it will recommend the best content solution from all of our content that will work for you right now. So go check that out. And don't forget to leave us a review on iTunes. If you get the chance, it would mean the world to us. Thank you so much for listening.

Thank you to you, Stephen, and you, Jameson. And we will see you next time. See you soon. Bye. Thank you.