Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 166: Are Men Less Attracted to “Intimidating Women”?

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

It’s very common that we hear from women who say “men are intimidated by me!” But what causes this? Is it male insecurity? Do men instinctively get turned off by a woman’s success, income, or assertiveness? In this episode, Matt and Stephen sit down to talk about how this happens, what it means for our dating lives, and the dating dynamics between men and women. --- Email us! You can get in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail]

Welcome, everybody, to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and my brother, Stephen Hussey. Hello, everyone. We're here as well with Jameson Jordan. Hello, Jameson. Hello. Today, we're going to be talking about the subject of whether men are less attracted to successful women. actually ran a really interesting poll on our Instagram in the last few days that got us some really interesting answers to this that we want to discuss today. Before we jump into that, I want to take a moment just to remind everybody that if you haven't been over to the new website yet, howtogettheguy.com, there is, well, firstly, it's beautiful. We've spent a lot of time

and energy revamping the website. And secondly, a lot of people have been getting value out of the tool that's on the website where you can put in your love life challenge and it will let you know which of my content solutions is best fitted to what you're dealing with right now. It will recommend the best one to you. That is on the homepage of howtogettheguy.com. Go check that out. If you haven't already downloaded our free guide, The Nine Texts, that is a great way to amp up the attraction with someone you like by text message. That is completely free and you can download it at 9texts.com. Lastly, are you a member of our Love Life Club yet? Maybe you enjoy the podcasts. Maybe you watch us on YouTube. Maybe you're a part of my Instagram

or Facebook profile. But if you haven't joined the Love Life Club, then you are not part of my Instagram or Facebook profile, but if you haven't joined the Love Life Club, then you are not part of the inner circle coaching that I do for an exclusive group of people who every month join me for live coaching, Q&A. They get to ask me questions. Stephen does sessions too with those members. We have mastermind classes on all sorts of different topics from attraction CPR to how to get over heartbreak to confidence, how to meet men and more. And we have experts each month that join us in that membership for some exclusive interviews. We had Dr. Romani recently. We've had Guy Winch. We've had Lisa Bilyeu.

And we have some really exciting guests coming up. If you are not a part of that club right now, you can join for a 14-day free trial at askmh.com. We want to encourage you to get off of the sidelines and into the game with us on an actual coaching path. That's askmh.com for your free trial. Okay, let's do this. Stephen, maybe we can start with just a lovely little iTunes review since we love reading those.

Yes, please. This one is from Phenomenal who says, this is my go-to self-care podcast, a hot bath, a sheet mask, and an episode of love life. Beyond just the helpful insights though, I need to mention the crush I have developed over the past few months. I came here for Matthew, but I stayed for Stephen. Oh. Now, Stephen, did you pick this one to read out? The question is, did I write this one? And I did not. I did not write this one. I'm really glad you're not writing reviews talking about a crush on yourself. That would be desperate, wouldn't it? No, this is organic and real. It was a review about self-love.

It could have been Stephen, just practicing what he preaches. It was also someone talking about enjoying a hot bath, which is also very much me. So a kindred spirit. Right, right. Well, who knows, Steve?

Well, thank you. Who knows? I'm very honored by that. Let us know what you think of the podcast over iTunes. We do love reading these reviews. Stephen, what are we talking about today? Well, Matt, we thought we would put this to our audience because who knows best on this question

other than women themselves. But we wanted to ask about the topic of, we get a lot of people who tell us that, you know, women write in and say they've been called intimidating or men are intimidated by my success my personality my achievement something and so I want to explore this topic and kind of get some reality like are men intimidated by strong women and so we asked our audience what their opinion is in your opinion are men intimidated by strong women and we asked them to tell us the reasons that men have called

them intimidating in the past and matt we got some very interesting answers and what i think are some themes here and i kind of want us to look at like you know whether it is inevitable that certain people will be intimidated by you, or whether it's something under our control. Very good. So do you want me to start by just giving you, I'll give you what a couple of people said. Yeah, please. And we can kind of comment on the theme. So one theme that came up was talking about men and women's roles or what are perceived sort of traditional roles and so Tammy says honestly men want to be providers because I don't need a man for that they feel intimidated especially since I make a nice income I've had a few back off and state to me that

a woman always wants to date equal or higher her station or income so these men have said that to her. Men are telling her what she wants. I've told them I don't need a man. I want one in my life that's much more valuable. I have other successful female friends who have been single for a long time, and we believe we've priced ourselves out of the market in many areas of our lives for being so goal oriented so some people had this response of saying well men they they don't if they don't feel needed if they don't

feel like they can provide enough they are intimidated by that and they back off men are probably gonna have to get more and more used to this one because there's more and more women earning better paychecks than men. And the statistics show that there will be increasing amounts of female breadwinners in households. There will only be more in years to come. So it's something that's going to have to be dealt with one way or another, right? Yeah. Look, if we were talking to men right now, I do think that we would be saying to men that, you know, if anything, this should be celebrated as, oh, like we, you know, we can be a team in this department.

I, you know, I'll contribute everything I can. You contribute everything you can. The, but the problem is when men, firstly, firstly, let's just, let's just take a generous interpretation of this. Uh, I would say there are two, two ways to look at this in a, through a compassionate lens from, from the male perspective. One is people know what they grew up with. So there are a lot of men that got brought up by a man and a woman who had traditional roles.

And by traditional, I mean that their mum raised them and their dad, quote, provided. And that's become their model for what each person brings to the relationship. And he's his his foremost role models modeled that dynamic. So he's going off of that. And then, of course, if he also kind of grew up culturally in a society where that was the norm, then he came to learn that a man's value was that he was the provider. So there's part of imprint it's not necessarily him having some innate sexism it's it may manifest itself in a kind of sexism but it's not coming from a badly intentioned place it's coming from the place of i this is the world i know i don't know any different. And if I wasn't providing, then what's my value?

Because I always saw my dad's value as providing. And maybe my mom always taught me that my dad's value was providing from the way that she talked to him. He puts food on this table. He goes out and works every day so that we can have the lives we want. If she reiterated that over and over again, then he learned that his dad's value was that his dad provided for the family. So he doesn't necessarily know any different. That's one thing. For the guys that say, you know, a woman is always looking to date someone who's of equal financial status or higher, there's also a very good chance they've heard that from women. I have heard that from women. And I don't mean on a date. I mean that we have plenty of women who have come to us for coaching

over the years who have said exactly those words. I feel like I need to date someone who is, who I feel like I want to date someone who's in the same financial position as me. And by the way, look, it's hard to discern how many of those women are saying that because they're worried that men who earn less are going to be intimidated versus saying that because they're more attracted to guys who earn the same. But there's a decent proportion of women who are telling themselves, I would be put off by a guy who has debt. I would be put off by a guy who isn't in the same financial situation or better than me. There are women who will be put off by that. So just as a guy learns in his lifetime that there, if he's not socially, if he's not the culturally or societally defined standard of tall

he will learn in his life that there are a decent number of women who quite openly say i don't want a short guy therefore men go into a lot of dates going she's too tall for me which isn't a sexist proposition i would argue from most men it's an insecure one it's a prop the proposition is i don't i've come to know that a lot of women actually don't want a short guy. And so the same could be said of men who are feeling like they have no value in that situation or that women won't want them, that I have learned in my life that women aren't as attracted to guys who earn less money than them. Right. So it's a kind of preemptive defense. Yeah, it's a, I don't want to be rejected.

And therefore, I'm quite early on pointing out that if I come to a date and realize that you earn more money than I do, then I might reject myself now before you decide later down the line that even though you're with me you'd prefer that guy who just came along who just came into your life as a friend or as a colleague or whatever who is in a better position than me in other words I don't want to be in a situation where I feel like my future with you is compromised by the competition.

Yeah. In a situation where I am inevitably going to lose. Yeah, it was quite funny. I was watching that Netflix show, the one, The Ultimatum. And it was about people being frustrated, giving ultimatums about you're not going to marry me. You don't want to commit yet. You don't want kids. And for one woman, she kept going to marry me you don't want to commit yeah you don't want kids and for one

woman she kept going to different guys in the dating show where you date around to see if there's someone else better for you and all the guys kept saying i want to get i want to get my money right or my career right before i like i'm not ready for that yet like i want to be with someone but i i haven't got my like money where I want it to be in my career. So I need to focus on that first. And she was like, Oh, you all say the same thing.

Like, I don't care. Like she was like, I've got, you know, I've got a career. Like, I don't care that you,

your career isn't like fully at the top level yet. You're not a top level executive. Like, let's just get married. Like her, her exasperation was like, every guy says this thing as if he's and it is that are they are the guys saying that's why they couldn't be in a

relationship or that's why they couldn't be married they like had girlfriends and things but in the show they were saying like that's why i'm just not ready yet because i just haven't got where i'm not where i'm at in life yet to settle down and in a way I think that was all like there it was all their insecurity that they were thinking internalized stuff of like I'm if I'm not like playing at a high enough level like I'm at risk here like I need to make sure that I'm safe and you know I'm going to be able to be a good provider and it's it's a fear-based kind of thing let's be clear sometimes it's not just fear-based sometimes and this is the less compassionate lens sometimes it's aspiration based right sometimes it's i'm

going to be able to date someone that i think is of more beauty more status more something if i get to that level financially so the unwillingness to commit is kind of for some of those guys derived from the idea that their stock is going to go up and when their stock is is going to go up they are going to in their mind trade up so i think that there is some of that that plays into it too what i would argue is that someone who takes that approach to life you may abhor the idea of that kind of person, but they inevitably end up paying the price for being that kind of a person. You know, it's funny. It's funny you brought up that show, Steve, because there's a character on the show. Now, I'm not saying I watched it. I mean, can I just say it's a bombshell that both of you have watched this show to me? I didn't know

that you two were watching this show. Well, I have an excuse because I'm married and I can at least pretend to begrudgingly watch it with my wife. I've heard this show is really dark because they take people whose situation is on the rocks and they say the best way to see if you want to actually commit or not is to throw you into a house with another person or with other people. And yes, and stuff happens. Like, it's so dark. Yeah. And they try and sell the premise as a moral one. And it's completely ridiculous. Well, that's reality TV. I mean, they always try and sell the premise as a moral one. It's, it's's that's how they sleep at night so but the other side of this coin

which i'm getting at is like yes there's a lot of these guys that that don't feel like getting married until they feel like they've earned enough and they're ready financially secure to like kind of be in charge of the family but there was a character on the show, Alexis, who as she went and she gave her boyfriend the ultimatum and then she went out to date these other guys, she kept pretty much just announcing to everybody, like, well, I just want to make away the show, but that whole speech she gave was ended up being a little bit skin deep. Like as soon as as soon as she realized that she might not be meeting somebody who was down for that or who is like making more money, she defaulted pretty back to to her previous relationship. I don't know how to dance around it without giving away the show. But that's part of the cynicism that gets created in some men is that some men have developed

a cynical view of women because they've either seen or experienced something like that. And they've decided that, well, A, when my stock goes up because I make more money, I'm going to be able to attract a better mate. And B, as long as I don't make that money, I'm not safe. Because if your worldview is that of attracting someone based on your financial status, it hits you both ways. You feel powerful if you have money and as a result, you think you can get a mate. If you don't have money, you think that you're vulnerable and that someone won't love you but that's because you've

put your value and money in the first place so it your whole relationship with money is one of of power and and that for a lot of guys is it affects women because women who get with guys can find that these men have massive insecurity around the fact that they make money or it affects other women because some of those guys leave once they make a lot of money so it has a massive effect on women one way or the other. But it's all derived from a male relationship with money that is one of power. And it's one that sadly is reinforced by some women. So Matt, you make an interesting point about power and money. I think it might not be quite as cynical as power. It might just be more attraction and status. You know, like, I just think there is, there is sort of a reason that the whole Cinderella story is like a woman

lead character and not a man lead character. Like I just think, is it, whether it's culture or biology or what, like what, what men, what makes men attractive to a lot of women is status. Money gets status, fame gets status, just being cool gets status and i do think that on a on a formula of attraction i just wonder if there's a sort of asymmetry between the status of a man having more to do with the attractiveness of a man of that man the status of a woman having to do with the attractiveness of that woman well i look i yes i think's true. I'm not saying that men thinking that money means power and power can be defined as the power to attract people. But I'm not saying that men associating money with power

isn't completely unfounded. With an entire group of people, it is. It's absolutely founded. Men's experience has been that they are more attractive to more women, they're attractive to more women if they're in a solid financial position. And, and look, there's, that's not, it's not like the world is divided into women who care and women who don't care like it's not life isn't that simple there's people who make it the only thing that matters there's people that don't care at all and and there's also women that find themselves in the much i I would argue, the very normal and human position of it's not the only way I make

my decision, but it's nice to know that someone is able to contribute on that level. And it's also fun to be with someone where you can just go on dates. You don't have to think about whether you can or you can't do something. You can just go on vacay.'t have to think about whether you can or you can't do something you can just go on vacay like there's a there's a sense of freedom and fantasy and excitement that comes with options in life and being with someone who is successful creates options and so there is a natural i I don't, whenever someone kind of, uh, denigrates women for being attracted to successful guys, I always find that to be, I, I, I always have a bit of a problem with that. Cause I'm like, well, wouldn't you be too? If I was a woman,

I'd probably be more attracted to people who had some level of success if for no other reason than what it indicated. If someone's success was a result of determination, if it was a result of ingenuity, if it was a result of someone being a good problem solver, if it was a result of someone who had discipline, if it was a result of someone who was responsible, like these are attractive qualities in a person. Now, if the only way you define success is how much money someone has in a bank account, that's a problem, right? Someone could be an incredibly successful professor who doesn't make a lot of money, but that's the fact that they are where they are is still the result of many years of hard work and discipline and passion and all of these attractive qualities. But in a lot of cases, that success does go hand in hand with money.

And that doesn't mean you're wrong for being attracted to it. Where we tend to get more cynical about people is when we see that the only lens for what constitutes success is money. And of course, there are women like that and men know that. And the women who value money on that level and the men who value their power with money on that level tend to find each other and they tend to make each other quite unhappy. I think a really interesting philosophical question that you just made quite distinct for me, at least, is like like is that those really beautiful attractive qualities you just listed determination discipline passion is there an unfair asymmetry where i guess gets to the crux of this question about intimidating women is it that those qualities are seen as more

attractive in a man than they are seen in a woman is that is that that those qualities are seen as more attractive in a man than they are seen in a woman? Is that what people that are complaining about the dating scene for women and coming across to intimidating to men, is that really what they're complaining about? Whereas like actually men saying they're intimidated by me is a euphemism for my great qualities aren't being valued the same way that they would be if I was a man. They just don't count for as much. Yeah. Or anything. Yeah. I think there's some, I don't know if it's cultural, but I do think there might be some truth to that or it's just like, uh, there might be an asymmetry there. It just might not be quite fair with the way a lot of men are are valuing women

in the dating well and jameson to corroborate that we have a woman who actually said uh something similar where she said i have an executive level finance career a master's degree and i've raised eight children as a single parent doing foster care while building that career and putting myself through college i've been told i'm intimidating because of my passion and ambition guys seem intimidated by my education and career even though i come from poverty and respect blue collar work one of my guy friends says it's my level of independence that makes me intimidating that my ambition and accomplishments are like a mirror that guys look into and see what they are really made of well i mean i'm just gonna say it you've done a lot of shit oh that's a that is a you've done a lot in your life i'm intimidated but i guess um yeah

that's the crux i think that the the the distinction we have to make is that you i want to be careful how i say this because there is firstly if you've if you've done let's take this stage by stage on a human level if you've done a lot of things in your life you are intimidating to a decent number of people man or woman right there's i've been told i'm intimidating plenty in my life and that's that i've been told that by women so that's not a that's that's not exclusive to the dynamic of men being attracted to women it can also happen in in reverse too humans that have done a lot are intimidating i would submit it to you, um, madam who wrote in that if you were a man and said you'd done all of that, you'd still be intimidating. You're just a very, that is a strong, determined,

robust person who has done everything you've done. So let's start there because I think that takes some of the charged nature of this conversation out of it. Okay. Then you have the question of, but is it more intimidating if a woman is those things than a man, if a woman has done a lot of stuff, if she's earned money, if she's self-sufficient and so on. And I think there is a point to be made as Jameson said that, um, some of the things that count on a high level as a man don't count in the same way as a woman.

The, now man don't count in the same way as a woman. Now, I'm not entirely sure that that point is, if you take, say, discipline as one of the traits that is attractive, I'm not sure that you could say that discipline isn't attractive in women, but I think that there's an argument to be made that the way discipline shows up is, is attractive in different ways, depending on men or women. So you could potentially make an argument that the discipline that makes a man go to work every day and build a business is attractive, but it's not as attractive the other way around to a lot of men. You could say though, that if a woman wasn't disciplined about looking after herself or about if she was completely disorganized in her life, if you went to her place and it was chaos

then there would be something unattractive about that i know everything i'm saying right now sounds highly sexist but that's kind of what we're talking about right that is what we're talking about the sexism that these traits the way that men find them attractive or a lot of men i think that everyone can understand the context of this particular episode that we're talking about generalizations that that a lot of men might find discipline attractive if it shows up in other ways but they might be intimidated if that discipline shows up in his lane so to speak because his lane lane, if he's, say, an entrepreneur, is that's how he feels significant. That's how he feels special. And if you are showing discipline or drive or determination or ingenuity in his lane, then he's more likely to be intimidated and therefore less attracted.

Because I don't, you know, it's like, this is kind of scary to me and I don't know how to handle it. So I do think that is a factor. Now, let's just paint a more rosy picture of this i actually think that men i have an optimistic view of the way that men are shifting i won't speak to how fast they're shifting but i do think that men have shifted to some extent and are shifting in the sense that I think that the number of men who would say you're in my lane will have decreased. I think a lot more men look at someone who's killing it and are like, whoa, that's awesome and attractive. And, and maybe it is a little scary, but not in the

sense that it's not attractive. It's just scary in the sense that, oh shit, I've like got to, I'm going to have to be on my game in order to keep you because, you know, you're, you have a hell of a lot going for you. So I do think to that extent that more and more men see their person as a teammate. And I do think more and more people as an equal and a teammate, I should say. And I do think that more and more people are evolving to the point of being able to, they don't see things through that kind of stereotypical, historical, conservative lens of this is what a woman is supposed to bring and this is what I'm supposed to bring. I do think there are less of those men. of guys who wouldn't ever deem themselves to be sexist, but are competitive if they think that someone is either in their lane or if they think that the way that you're showing up

and achieving in your life has robbed me of what I thought I could bring to the table. And therefore, I feel intensely vulnerable because I don't know if I'm going to be enough for you if you take away this special weapon that I have. This special move, I think, is a nicer way of putting it. I thought I had this special move to attract people. And this special move doesn't mean a lot to you

because you have it too. And you don't need that from me. So therefore, what am I? What's my worth outside of this? Well, I think there's definitely guys like that. But I contend, I went to a prestigious university, Matt, and I've said this before to you, but all the guys I know from there who were good friends have you know highfalutin degrees PhDs they went for very intelligent successful women there wasn't this

idea of like oh I don't want someone like that they you know quite hearteningly they're with also competent attractive intelligent people like it's not like most successful people want to be around people who they feel are playing at a high level as well you are however talking there about highly educated people sure who are at Oxford university because they really value intellect. And therefore in order to connect are probably looking for someone of equal or greater intellect so that they can feel like they're really connecting with someone and it's likely that the kinds of people that have that level of intellect are doing interesting things in their life yeah true true i'm just saying it by default of just trying to find someone they can connect with they are coming across women who are doing interesting things.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I'm just saying that those guys you'd consider successful, there's the myth that like successful guys wouldn't be attracted to someone successful or something like that. But I tend to find that, I don't know, successful people do tend to want successful partners well i certainly think that if you if you have a guy who's successful and genuinely confident and i don't mean the kind of confidence that's derived from being successful if they are confident in themselves and have high self-worth then they are far less likely to be threatened by somebody else who has achieved or is achieving or is doing things, uh, or has her own money. It's, it's less likely to be something that has some impact on them because their worth

isn't derived from that. And then again, we're talking about security, right? We're talking about, are you successful and your relationship with money and success is that it gives you power and therefore you don't want to find someone of equal power. You want to find someone who you can control with that money and success? Or are you successful and your worth is derived from who you are and what you have to offer as a person, not your success? If you're very comfortable in yourself, then you're probably going to be attracted to someone who, well, I don't even think it means you'll be attracted to someone who's successful. I think it just means that you'll be attracted, you won't be intimidated if you do end up being attracted to someone who's successful. But if you are that way, then you're not necessarily going to be attracted to someone just because they're successful. You're going to just be

attracted to someone who you think has really amazing character and is a great person to be with. True, true. And you can find those guys who aren't stereotypically successful. You can find guys who are ultra comfortable in themselves. They don't derive their worth from money. And so when they meet someone who's successful, a woman might be disappointed to find that that guy isn't overly kind of bowled over by what she's achieved. He's not intimidated, but he's also not, you know, it's not the most amazing thing about her to him. And therefore, that woman may find that this thing that she thought was a lot of her power is not really relevant to that guy i agree just to switch over on this topic one thing you have said matthew is taught i remember you gave a talk about uh independence and the idea that

is independence something as a quality that can still be attractive? Because I think there's a view that, you know, and this comes out in some of the comments we also got where one of our readers said, it's actually been my friends telling me I've not been in my feminine energy enough that I'm too strong and independent to attract a partner. She says, I see a strong person, a very feminine trait, as I've had to be an independent parent to protect and provide for my child. So I think, and you talked about this once, is the idea there's a conflict between independence and femininity, or independence is perceived by certain men as aggression. Like you're just showing you don't

need a man, and you don't need a man for anything, so you're too independent. And I, you know, I can't be with someone like that. So in a way, there's men's vulnerability and flaws there of like, they want to feel important, and then the negative side is they want to feel their ego, big puffed up man. But the other side of that is, men also just want to feel their ego big puffed up man but the other side of that is men also just want to feel like they fulfill something and men get insecure right like men men do have insecurity of like well if she tells me she doesn't need a man then what am i very very common misconception when people equate being being successful having achieved a lot being strong with being an island.

And they develop a kind of a badge of honor around that. That the story becomes, I intimidate people because I'm so strong, when actually the story is you, you drive people away because they, they don't see the multifaceted energy that they need in order to be mindful that an energy that is useful to us in one area of our lives may not be useful to us in another area of our lives. as a kind of extreme scenario, your most aggressive, stressed out, focused energy that you have in a big meeting this week. And then you take that to Friday night dinner with your friends. You have a problem. You're not going to be a good dinner guest. We all know that there is a different gear that we have to switch into in order

to go and have dinner with our friends and be good company. Well, there's no difference between that and going from work to a date. There's no difference between going, doing that when it comes to going from a date to the bedroom, right? There's a different energy you have in the first hour of a date than the energy you have when you go to bed with someone, right? It would not be appropriate to bring the latter energy to the first hour of a date when you're getting to know someone. So we are, we're all aware when it's pointed out like that, that we have to have different energy for different parts of our lives. And some of us do it quite well, actually, in some areas, you know. We do it quite well when switching from work to being with our kids.

But then we make excuses when it comes to a date. So you might have a woman who's saying, but I'm so used to being, you know, this hard-headed, tough person at work that when I go on a date, I don't know how to switch it up. But what's interesting is if you ask them, do they do that with their kids? They're like, oh, no, I'm a big softie when I'm around my kids. And they are somehow able to magically switch it up then. Or when they're with their best friend, a sillier side of them comes out. So they are able to switch it up in some ways. But there's something about a date that apparently that tough, independent, I don't need anybody, I'm a strong person Energy is the only thing that's seen. And that to me is quite

revealing because what it suggests is I'm more afraid in this scenario than I am when I'm with my kids or with my best friend. And therefore in an, in a kind of act of covering up my fears, the walls go up. And I blame that on the fact that I have to be strong in other areas of my life. But actually, it's not strength. It's fear that's coming across. It's that you feel in control in these other areas of your life. When you go to work, you feel in control. When you're around your kids, you feel in control. When you're around your best friend, you feel in control. Not like you're controlling the situation, but you don't

feel threatened. You don't feel scared. You don't feel like rejection could happen happen and then how would you take that and so i think for a lot of people it's easier frankly to say well they didn't call me because i'm too strong-headed and too you know i'm too independent and i have, you know, they're intimidated. It's actually easier to say that than I brought all of myself to this date and I was vulnerable and I opened myself up and I got rejected. That's harder. So I think for a lot of people they strategically don't switch gears in a certain area that scares them the most and for those people that say well i kind of am one energy my whole my whole life you know because that's what's necessary i i'm tough in these environments because that's what's necessary that there may be some truth to the fact that you

have to be tough that you have to be thick-skinned at times but i always i always think that that itself is a bit of a, um, I, it, I, I find it not to be as true as people say it is that actually, if anything of 15, if anything 15 years of coaching people in their dating lives has taught me, it's that many of the same attraction principles that apply on a date apply everywhere else too. I think that a lot of people would be more successful at work if they were less of one thing. Those people who say, oh, I just have to be this way for my work, but then it's hard to switch gears. I actually don't believe that. I believe that the key to being attractive, not in the romantic sense, but in the sense of attracting clients or attracting the right kind of a job promotion or trust or

likability, I believe the things that attract that are showing the unique pairings that we talk about in dating, that you can be tough if you need to be, but you can also be playful. You can dig your heels in when you need to, when you really believe in something and you want to be passionately for it. But you can also be sensitive and collaborative and diplomatic and make way for other people's opinions. You know, I don't believe that for women, success does only come from being a certain way. And for men either.

I think that men have this idea that they have to go into the world and be this fierce, aggressive, you know, lion about everything. And I just don't agree with that either. I think you have to have that gear. I think you have to have that place you can go to if you need to. Sometimes people in your world need to be reminded that that can, that energy can come out if it needs, if you need to defend yourself or if you need to fight for what you think is right or stand up for yourself. But I, I don't believe that the men who are just that gear, um, do very well sustainably. I believe that the ones who build the best relationships, the best business, the strongest teams are the ones who are many things. And that's what our

dating life calls on us to be. It calls on us to be many things, right? We may not like that truth. We may want to only play our most comfortable, well-worn role, but it's not the reality. The reality is that deep and lasting attraction comes from a time to show that you are independent. And a great time to show you're independent is when someone is not being consistent with their energy. If someone is not being consistent with their energy or not showing up, that's a great time to show someone that you can be quite happy in your life with or without them. And that you're not going to wait around. That's a great time to show independence. But at the point at which someone gives you a compliment, that's not such a great time to show how independent you are and that you don't need any kind words from anyone. Or when someone tries to do something, a kind favor or help you or do something chivalrous,

that's not the time to show, well, I don't need any of that. Well, no, there's a great time to show that someone can have an effect on you. Why is it that blushing is kind of, there's something adorable about it? It's because it's fun to know that you can have a positive effect on somebody. The blushing emoji is that... Why did Apple make the blushing emoji? Why didn't they just make a smiling emoji? Why not just make a smiling emoji?

You give me a compliment and I send you a smiley face. Why add one that's not blushing? Because you'll notice there's a separate emoji for embarrassed blushing, right? No, there's an adorable, smiling, happy, blushing emoji. Why not just have an embarrassed blushing emoji and a smiling emoji? Why have the one that's happy and blushing?

Because we all have those moments where what we want to communicate to someone is you've given you a little power. And it's not a dangerous amount of power I've given you. It's the power to make me feel good. Now contained within that is the power to make me feel bad as well, right? You can't give one without the other. If you have a relationship with someone, you've given them the power to make you feel good. You've also given them the power to make you feel bad. Whether you choose to sustainably stay in a relationship with someone, you've given them the power to make you feel good. You've also given them the power to make you feel bad. Whether you choose to sustainably stay in a relationship where someone is making you feel bad is up to you. That's where you have the ultimate power. But in the micro, someone has the power to make you feel bad, right? But that's part of it. That's part of the paradox between being an autonomous person with their own independence, but also being part of a relationship where you are interdependent with somebody else, where you do ask for certain needs to be met by that person, where that person does play a role in your life that you don't want to lose,

right? That's what a relationship is. If you don't feel any of those things, then you don't need a relationship. Don't bother with one. But if you're out there dating and you're not prepared to blush, then why is someone going to be prepared to have a relationship with you? Because what you're really saying is, I don't need anything. Well, if you don't need anything,

if you have no needs from me, then why am I here? And where's the satisfaction? Where's the fun? And if I can't impress you that's not fun it's fun when i do some things and you are impressed you're like wow that's like wow i'm impressed by that or that's really amazing that's an amazing achievement that's an amazing thing you did i'm you know just giving someone that it a gift, right? Right. Now, the problem is when you're in a relationship that's one way in that respect, when you're

with someone who needs you to be impressed by them all the time, but it's a one way street, they're not showing they're impressed by you or they don't value what you bring to the table. That's a problem that, you know, that the extreme of that is the relationship with the narcissist, right? The narcissist needs you to constantly reflect back to them how amazing they are and how impressive they are and how bold over you are, but doesn't, doesn't actually value, doesn't find you to be impressive and doesn't find showing that you're impressive to be important. Um, so it's gotta be a two way street, but that's the point. We have to ask ourselves,

am I allowing, am I helping someone feel good around me by the way that I make them feel? Do I make them feel special? Do I give them credit for what they're good at? Do I show them that they have a positive effect on me and thereby they get the sense of enjoyment at knowing they can make me smile, they can make me blush? I mean, what is the bedroom? But knowing that you, knowing you can turn someone on is a, that's an aphrodisiac, right? you can turn someone on and that's that's exciting that's part of the fun of it right not not being ask most most men would you want to be in a relationship or would you want to have sex with someone that didn't wasn't turned on by you but

you still get to have sex with them most healthy healthy men would find that to be wholly unattractive and not that it would rob them of the enjoyment of sex because they get enjoyment from knowing that they make someone feel something. So we have to ask ourselves, are we giving that gift to somebody? But then we have to ask ourselves, am I getting that gift back from somebody? Am I giving it and am I getting it back? And being brave and courageous in love is being willing to give it first sometimes, not all at once necessarily, but being willing to give some of that first and to see if it's reciprocated. And having standards is not staying anywhere where it's not reciprocated, where you try it out and someone takes you for granted

or someone doesn't show that they think that you're wonderful and impressive and have all of these beautiful qualities or worse, tries to bring you down a peg because they're intimidated by you. They genuinely are intimidated by you. And instead of talking to you about that in a productive way, they look to tear you down. Now, I want to say this because I think it's really important. Between the guys who are never intimidated and the guys who are always intimidated because frankly, they just need to be in a relationship with someone that they can completely control and have power over. There is this huge ocean of men who you will actually have to navigate these things with.

It's not going to be binary. And simply writing anyone off because something has made them insecure is a recipe for canceling out a lot of really great people. Because people do grow in relationships. What you need is someone who's willing to have those conversations with you. I would say that if someone is intimidated, if someone is insecure, what you should look for is whether they can openly have those conversations and whether those conversations that you have with them are productive. Now, that conversation is you asking them what makes them feel good, you asking them what they feel and, and seeing if there are things that you can do that can help them with those feelings that aren't about, uh, that aren't about diluting your own success, that aren't about diluting your own power, but are about lifting them up or reminding them

what's special about them and helping them reconnect with what's special about them, which can be a really beautiful thing to do for somebody. The conversation, the ability to have productive conversations is going to define the relationship, I would argue, more than whether you start from a perfect place of they're completely unintimidated by anything about you or completely secure about everything. Because are you secure about everything? Do you feel like there's no part of you that's going to get insecure in the relationship what defines relationships is the ability to have productive conversations compassionate conversations we're all insecure we all have our demons we all have things we're working on we're all trying to

undo some of the wiring of our childhood of our model growing up that has no place in a healthy future for ourselves or for the people that we love we're all working on those things and so a compassionate lens is not excusing men who behave badly because they're intimidated. It's saying, okay, that someone feels intimidated or insecure doesn't inherently make them a bad person. And it doesn't automatically make this a bad relationship. If we can have these conversations, the result of those conversations is going to determine what kind of relationship this can be. And, you know, we have a friend who I know was in this very situation of his partner earning much more money than he does. And it has been something that they have had to work through together.

He's a wonderful human being. She's a wonderful human being. She's a wonderful human being. And it's been a real journey for him to let go of that feeling that he's somehow not worthy or not attractive or not man enough because she earns more money than him. And he's not even in the same realm as her. That's been a journey for them. To suggest that, well, if he was, like, there's that thing, isn't there, of like, if she had gone and told her friends after two dates or three dates or or a month well he's kind of insecure because of this there will be some friend in there that probably goes oh my god get rid of him like you can't have a guy who's into like who's intimidated

by the fact that you earn more like that and and that would have been quite in this particular case i'm saying it's case by case but that's kind of my whole point in this particular case that would have been quite, in this particular case, I'm saying it's case by case, but that's kind of my whole point. In this particular case, that would have been incredibly lacking in compassion because he's actually a wonderful, wonderful human being wrestling with his own issues of where his worth comes from. And who the fuck isn't? It's the results of our conversations with people that we need to pay attention to. The world is far too filled with immediate judgments of, well, if they did this, that must mean that this is who they are at their core. Ditch them, dump them, enough, bye.

These mindsets are not a recipe for anybody who takes love and relationships seriously. What about dating? I mean, is there one last silver lining or a nice bit of light at the end of the tunnel we can leave people with as far as like their advice, advice you would give them for on a date? How do you make sure that person doesn't feel intimidated? Because look, I think that honestly, the pool of, your pool of people, the same as people that are looking for someone who's very religious or whatever, your pool of people might be smaller. Like there might be certain men that just aren't going to be too intimidated.

But what can we leave people with as far as any kind of nuggets you can give them for being on a date, how to come across well, how to make sure that, you know, there might be some guys that are pushed away, but the right people will stay. Quick advice would be practical advice for a date. Firstly, I'm a, this isn't just the English in me coming out, the British in me coming out, the British in me, but I think that it's elegant

to wear your success and your achievements lightly. And I say that as someone who, you know, I think there is a very British thing of doing this to a fault. And, oh, yeah, it's all luck, really really you know it's just a stroke of good fortune you're so trumpingly befuddled yeah i i there is a kind of british thing that is so lacking in self-assuredness or or being willing to own your successes that I think is, is actually a problem. Um, so I do think you have to have the ability to talk about yourself and your achievements with a sense of pride. But frankly, the more you've achieved, the less I, I don't know about

anybody else, but for me, the less I'd achieved, the more I felt like I needed to scream about my achievements. I remember years ago when I was first starting out, my bio would be the most important part of any speech I gave. You know, I have coached this many people and I've done this and I've done that and I wrote this and da-da-da-da-da. And I'm here to talk to you today about blah, blah, blah. These days when I get on stage, I cannot be asked to give my bio. It's the least important thing to me because I just, I just have, I'm very comfortable in myself and who I am and what I've done with my life and I don't feel that I need to be heavy-handed about what I've achieved in my life. So question yourself. If you feel like on a date, you're leading with all of your achievements, why is that?

Why is it that after one date, someone is coming away with a real sense of how much money you make? Or a real sense of how high up you are in your company? Or a real sense of how much you've done in your life. Why is someone coming away from a date like that? I actually think that someone should come away from a date feeling like they've connected with you, not feeling like they know your list of your resume and what you've achieved. So I'm a believer in focus on connecting, not impressing with how many things you've achieved. Because that's probably more for your ego than it is to really connect with that person.

And I've always found it's the underlying traits too, right? It's never the trophy case. It's like that you've achieved a certain amount of success or whatever you can connect with someone who hasn't achieved anything but they still have a true curiosity underneath them and that same curiosity is what made you luck out and you got that one break in your career that one time and you know the true I think true compatibility always comes to those underlying traits. And you can find somebody who is going to hopefully have that insight as well and not be too impressed by your trophies, but also impressed by your underlying traits.

Yes, not take them too seriously, but value the things that must be behind those achievements um and and the other thing is the second piece of advice i would say is be generous with your praise of somebody else be generous of what you find wonderful and impressive about the other person no no one ever goes wrong by being generous with praise. Right. And lastly, if someone casually says something that seems to imply that you're intimidating or that someone is insecure by what you've achieved, just use that as an opportunity to highlight, well, I mean,

thank you, but I actually find what you've done to be just as interesting. You know, maybe someone took a different path than you. You could have achieved massive financial success and somebody else decided to be a monk you know and you're like well you've i find it immensely impressive what you've done or the way you've handled this situation in your life and that that to me is is that to me is just as impressive and i think that's i'm sure i could learn a lot from someone like you in that area. That, that's a wonderful way to approach that. Instead of approaching it from the point of view of here we go again, another person who's intimidated by me, another person, instead, just show them that the way that they have interpreted all of this is not how you see it. And you might actually find that someone drops that paradigm when they realize that it's not the paradigm that you operate on. They may have said it from a place of worrying that you operate on that paradigm,

but then they come to realize that you're a different kind of person altogether than the people that they've encountered in the past. And that might make you the most special person they've come across. Well, I want to invite everybody to let us know what they think of this episode over iTunes. We would love to hear from you we have one email review actually that came in steven to podcast at matthew hussey dot com um what uh what did they have to say steve they said this is from km he said dear matt steven and jameson i have been viewing and listening to your content for a few years now. You've helped me get through some difficult times,

not just regarding my love life, but life as a whole. Thank you for putting out quality content that actually helps. On to the main reason for my email. Matthew, don't you dare censor Stephen's use of the word pickles to address the audience. I look forward to it now and you need to accept that it's just a part of the show now you do you steven love km okay so so now i know for a fact that it's not the team who's picking these it's you these are team picks you've started you've started the podcast with a giant compliment to you and you've ended the podcast on someone agreeing with your point of view that we should keep pickles.

So this is this is rigged at this stage. This is what's coming in the inbox, Matt. I can't I don't know what to tell you. Right. Well, you've spoken. You know what? I think I'd like a little more of a random lucky dip when it comes to picking out what we read from the inbox because this all just seems a bit too convenient the pickles are making themselves known loud and proud and uh i thank you guys i'm you know i've backed you the whole way um we're gonna keep this train rolling well if you haven't already make sure you get over to 9texts.com to download that guide that gives you nine specific texts you can use to flirt and attract someone in your life, whether they're brand new or you've been seeing them for a little while.

Also, don't forget to sign up for your free 14-day trial to our membership. It's an amazing place to be right now. So much effort is going into this thing. I can't tell you, Jameson, I mean, it's been nonstop, hasn't it? The value we've been bringing to our members. The way we've upped the game of the webinars and just the content you're bringing to people, having Audrey's help. It's just like this whole big, massive content that we're just delivering at a much bigger scale. It's insane.

It's one of the best. If your love life, your confidence, and your just enjoyment of life is a priority to you right now, I'd be hard-pressed to find a better place to be than what we're doing in this love life club. So go and claim that free trial. Askmh.com is the link to go to. That's askmh, A-S-K-M for Matthew H.com. And lastly, don't forget to head over to the website, HowToGetTheGuy.com, where you can input your love life problem on the homepage, and it will throw up the best content solution for you that

can help you with your situation. Thank you so much for your lovely words on the podcast recently, everyone. They do mean the world to us. We are having a lot of fun making this and it's even more fun knowing that there are so many people out there enjoying this and the numbers are crazy right now on the podcast. We have a massive increase in the number of listeners every week. Please, again, help us share the love by going over to iTunes and leaving us a review, and we'll see you next time. Thank you, Jameson. Thank you, Stephen. Thanks, everyone.

Appreciate you guys, and thanks for listening. Take care. you