Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 168: The BIGGEST Male Insecurities in Dating Revealed…

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Want to know what he's really thinking on a first date? What do men worry about when looking for love? Matt and Stephen asked thousands of men in our audience about their BIGGEST insecurities and the answers were pretty amazing. If you want a real eye-opening window into male fears and his psychology in dating, you're going to love this.  ---  Join our Love Life Club and become a VIP member where you'll get access to live coaching sessions and our community of thousands of amazing women. Go to ASKMH.com and sign up today.  ---  Follow Matt @thematthewhussey  Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey  ---  Email us! You can get in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail]  ---  ►► FREE guide to download: “3 Secrets To Love” → 3SecretsToLove.com 

Hey guys, welcome to the Love Life Podcast. Before I join the mic with Stephen, Audrey and Jameson, I just want to let you all know, I think this is a really, really interesting episode. We talk about a post that we released on Facebook just the other day where we asked men what their biggest insecurities in early dating were. And the answers are surprising. They are truly vulnerable and they make for fascinating listening and discussion. So if you want to understand men on a deeper level, then you're probably ever going to hear another way. And you want to use that to be more successful in dating and frankly, just to understand the male mind more, I think this is going to be a really, really interesting episode for you. And I think it has the potential to bring us men and women a little closer together.

Enjoy. Welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, Jameson Jordan, Stephen Hussey. Hello there. And well, in the background, lurking is Audrey. In Gollum's cave. Stop introducing me like that every time. Well, sorry. It's just just i knew that would draw you out before the podcast audrey i just want to make everyone aware audrey did not it wasn't an intentional thing that audrey be a voice on the podcast each time it was more that audrey is our producer and uh content master content what do we call her she's head of content in our company content jockey i think steve nailed it but we uh we're like you know if audrey if you have a point

you want to make by all means make it and then she gets shy and says no no i'm not going to be i'm not going to say anything i i want to leave it to you guys. But I knew if I used the word lurking, she'd immediately come out to defend herself. So mission accomplished. My ego has something to say about that. Exactly. Well, hello to all of you. Stephen, how are you feeling today? I'm feeling hearty. I'm feeling excited about the retreat coming up, Matthew, that we're all going to be going to for the first time in two years in Florida, nonetheless. So we get a bit of sunshine. Although I will say England is bloody marvellous right now.

So we are getting a lovely English spring here. I'll tell you right now, Steve, the chances of me ever conducting a retreat in England are almost nil. Not going to happen. Almost nil. Not going to happen, folks. No. England is for Christmas. It's not for retreats.

So, yeah, it's coming up a couple of weeks. We're almost there now. Very, very exciting. The doors are pretty much closed, I think, on that retreat. You can always go and check it out if you'd like to, mhretreat.com. But I think it's that time, Steve. I think, you know, it's here. So I can't wait to be out there.

Audrey's coming. Jameson's coming. You'll be there, Steve. Our mum's here. So I can't wait to be out there. Audrey's coming. Jameson's coming. You'll be there, Steve. Our mum's coming. Audrey, your mum's coming. No, she is so excited. It's amazing. I didn't know about that. Yeah, you didn't know Jameson. Now I have a whole new angle on the documentary. When's your mum coming, Jameson? My mum will come to the retreat. When's the third Olympics from now? Why don't you want her there? Oh, I would be absolutely happy for her to be there. But if you, I mean, if Matthew Hussey would go in person and invite her and pull her arm, then she would go.

So you're saying all I have to do is a seven hour drive to Sacramento, knock on the door and invite her. Well, seven hour drive. You have to be there for at least seven meals. And, and, but yeah, after a long weekend of Matthew Hussey persuasion, I think that, I think that you could get her to come to the retreat. Oh, it's a lot of work, isn't retreat? It's a lot of work, isn't it? It's a lot of work. It's the most convincing I think I've ever had to do

for anybody to get them onto the retreat. Well, and by the way, if you did miss the boat on this one, maybe for financial reasons, maybe because logistically you're not in a part of the world where it's easy for you to get to Florida maybe because your job is one that doesn't easily allow a week off especially in the season that we do the retreat I know we have a lot of teachers whose schedules don't line up with the dates that we do the retreat for. We have something else coming up now

that we finally have a date for in November. It does not require you to leave your house. It is far, far more affordable than the in-person retreat in Florida. And it's something that doesn't require you to take time off of work. And it is the virtual retreat that is a three day long event. I guess some people would have to take Friday off Jameson, but that's doable. That's fine. I'll say that if you wanted to get my mom to come to the virtual retreat, all you would need to do is make like a selfie video probably. And that might do it. Got it. Okay. All right. Just a selfie video to get her to the virtual and then we'll upgrade her to the in-person from there. Technically after the virtual, I'll have spent three days with her. That's right. That's right. After the virtual, her confidence is going to be in a place where

she's going to sign up for the in-person. No problem. Well, in November, from the 11th to the 13th, the virtual retreat is taking place. And for anyone who wants to join us, you can go over to mhvirtualretreat.com. And now is the time to do that because for the month of June only, we have an early bird special offer. This is a little tradition that we've gotten into where essentially, Stephen, the first tickets we release are in many ways the best tickets. They're $200 cheaper than our normal virtual retreat ticket. So it's a deep discount from where it normally is. There are three special bonuses, including a live Q&A with me where you can get your questions answered, an audio interview on mentoring about how you can find mentors in your life if that's what you're looking for right now. And we all should be looking for mentors. And the third bonus is an

autographed copy of our book, which is really exciting. We'll be sending that out to you. Plus any bonuses that we release between now and the virtual retreat, you will get, you will be grandfathered into because you are one of the founding ticket members for this November virtual retreat. So that early bird ticket, if you're going to come to this retreat, get your ticket now. It's the best ticket we have available and it's only for the month of June. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com to get your ticket. All right. Well, Stephen, before we jump into today's topic, do you want to just read us a lovely little review from iTunes from one of our listeners? Yeah, we always love your reviews on iTunes or, of course, the email inbox. And in iTunes, Clara Snow,ara snow 77 says the hussey brothers rock this podcast

great insight emotional intelligence and advice with a great mixture of humor and fun highly recommended whatever your age or dating history fabulous thank you clara that's lovely thank you so much clara and uh feel free to leave us a review on itunes we love reading them uh you can also email us at podcast at matthew hussey dot com well steven we have an interesting topic for today that i think is gonna bring men and women closer and it's based on something we left on our facebook account the matthew hussey i think it's what's our facebook steven is it coach matthew hussey i'm pretty sure it is isn't it it's it is but if you search matthew hussey it's just your name that comes up right you're gonna name of it the name of it is coach matthew hussey which four million fans in steve you'd think i would know

yeah i think you'd have checked that by now do they call them fans on facebook or followers followers right uh you get fans and followers that's the confusing thing yeah yeah god okay well we're we left a post on Facebook which asked about male insecurities and the results were really, really interesting. And I'm actually very, very excited to talk about this today. Stephen, can you give us the exact question that we posed to the men in our audience on Facebook. Yes, and boy, do we know you're out there now because we said, for the men in my audience, what is a common insecurity you feel in early dating? And what I discovered, Matt,

is the men who follow us are bloody sweethearts. How many comments did we get on this post from men steve uh we got over a thousand comments poured in i can't say they were all from men some were from women um were they mostly from men that came in they were they were mostly from men yeah some women were obviously expressing lots of joy about the men what they were expressing and some were just using it to say what they thought men were insecure about or what they had experienced men were insecure about oh so i'm interested in that too okay well look let's start with the men i'm really fascinated to to hear what did the men say in response to this question what makes you insecure in early

dating i'll give you some of the top ranked ones because they were some of the most poignant answers and i want to talk about kind of the bigger themes that came out because there were some themes that came up over and over again so i'll start with one of the top comments that was from david and that said wondering how we compare to our competition slash her previous boyfriends can be a question and this one came up a lot guys saying that they feel competitive or they are just imagining wondering how they compare to other men she has been with before does that seem surprising to you or on the money matt for men no i think that's absolutely on the money and and i don't believe that this

is limited to being a male issue i think this happens on both sides that we all have the potential to get insecure about what kind of standard are we coming up against here? You know, who, who am I competing with that you've already been with? Right. And women can feel that men can feel that. I suppose it's possible that men, men feel it in their own way.

Although I do think it's probably a lot of similarity. If, if a woman thought that the last person you were with was extremely gorgeous, then she might feel insecure about that. If a man knows that you are with someone who is incredibly handsome, he might feel insecure about that. I also think that factoring into that for men is sort of the toughness. How, you know, how tough women aren't thinking how tough was your last uh girlfriend but men are thinking how tough was your there's this

caveman instinct could i take him if i had to like how much does he bench right i don't think women are wondering like well what does he squat or what what does she what did the last girlfriend squat you know there's that whole dimension of just strength and size when you're in a coffee shop and and and your ex walks in and you go oh god my ex just walked in he does not want to see a tatted up mma fighter no no. That's the last thing he wants to see. That's interesting. I don't think instinctively I think about physical stature so much. For you, if he was carrying

a stack of books, you'd really be alarmed. I think that was a low-key flex from Steve for sure because he's like 6'3". Right. Oh, it didn't even really occur to me. Right, but if he was like, if he walked in and got his coffee steve but then he's sort of his his book hold or fell open because it was slightly unzipped and out fell kirkagard

and the complete works of tolstoy but exactly exactly you'd be you you if hitchens letters to a young contrarian fell out you it would or he's some he's some tech tech genius or something right right that would that would alarm you see i i think what i'm getting at is is it so much that i think do men have a specific ego thing where they think, I want to be the best man she's ever known? Is it like a more of a general idea? I think, no, I don't. Well, maybe for some. I don't think all men start with that level of ego. I think there is a kind of man that starts with that level of ego

what are you trying to say where he's i well no i i don't i i don't i don't think you would be easily threatened steve i also don't think you're the hyper competitive type in that area i really don't but i i do think there is a kind of guy that wants to be, quote, the best you've ever had. I think that there's another kind of guy that recognizes in his insecurity or vulnerability that he's never going to be a certain kind of guy. And that can go one of two ways. It can either make him feel sort of jealous if you are with a guy that's not what he is or he's already given up that fight right it's not he's not trying to be that guy so you were with some stud or whatever and he's like well yeah that's not my lane or you were with some like

wall street guy and he's like i'm i'm i'm an arty guy i'm not trying to get like millions of dollars yeah i think that some sometimes people get insecure because someone has something they don't other times they can make peace with that part and what makes them insecure is someone who's in their lane if you if you get with someone or were with someone who they feel is a direct kind of comparable to them which is kind of why i joked about the book reference but if you if you feel like someone's in your lane it's like if you're if someone was a professor and the last person she dated was someone who's a wall street guy. He might feel nothing. But if suddenly he found out that her ex was an academic, he might be like, well, what line of academia was he in?

Is it? Oh, that Mickey Mouse line of academia. Like he might suddenly feel that. But I think it's really, I think it's really fascinating. And I think it's so, it's so human and it's so primal because it goes to the heart of, am I, am I going to be good enough? If what she's had already is, is something that I can't live up to is something that I don't think that I think threatens my value then am I really going to be worth enough for this person do we want to ask Audrey if women have the same thing uh do women have the same thing yeah of course I think comparing yourself to people is really natural

um I think it's different with women. I think we tend to compare ourselves maybe more physically than anything else, just because we've been told over and over again that that's the thing that men care the most about. Even though a more evolved me knows that that's not entirely true, I think there is still some truth to that.

And I think the insecurity for women is probably more born out of that than anything else yeah can we i i think it would be great email in podcast at matthewhussie.com if there's if you have or had an insecurity about someone your ex dated and let us know what it is we can keep it anonymous if you like but i think it would be fun just to read a couple more stories i really think these help us understand we're not the only one with insecurities when we read these so what's the situation you found yourself in where your insecurities ran wild comparing yourself with someone your your partner had been with or it could be your ex yeah you know something something that i think is uh probably pertinent to both men and women i think that we there is a kind of idyllic version of a woman that men have invented and you know in the novel Gone Girl cool girl that's how she's describing that and you know she's the girl who drinks beer

and walks barefoot and never gets jealous and you know that with the guys and and it's this idea of cool girl and she always you know wants to sleep with him and it's just like this perfect non-neurotic being and I sometimes think that as a woman you and it probably happens the same way with men just their own version of it's almost the kind of ideal woman that has been created and curated by men if you think that someone they've been with is closer to that woman it can be a little bit unsettling because you just think well I have neuroses and I get jealous and I get insecure about things and you know where does that fit in what if it was being written by a bitter man who didn't like

the perfect men that had been a perfect man that had been constructed in women's minds probably an incel screed about what chads are like or something like that probably a lot of things you could already find on reddit to be honest it'd be some guy some guy with a perfectly chiseled jawline who's six foot three he's like don draper in a meeting but also you know the the sensitive guy that talks about his his feelings because it's written by a woman right so this so he's like the perfect combination of these unique traits he's got all the money in the world but he doesn't care about it he's like the perfect combination of these unique traits he's got all the money in the world but he doesn't care about it he's got really high powered career but he can just go on holiday on the drop of a hat just like go jet setting on a whim yeah yeah yeah he's got

like a a world that relies on him but whenever he's in the mood to spontaneously express love which is exactly when you need it he could just take you away for a trip yeah drop everything and just get on the helicopter you know i think it's a really interesting point that audrey made though i don't think that men feel like they're competing with a perfect image of a guy in a woman's head and i think women probably do feel like they're competing with not other women the same way guys feel like they're competing with other guys but women probably do think that they're competing with this strange perfection in a guy's mind the instagram

filter of a woman see i'm i don't know if that's perhaps there was a time where that was more true, but I think Instagram has ruined all that. I think it's made it worse. What do you mean? I'm saying for men, the idea that men aren't comparing themselves to other men. you're now, you know, you're looking at these guys who are out there who seem to be really impressive in their careers or in their businesses, who seem to have these perfect lives, who are incredibly toned and look incredibly masculine, who do something tough in their free time, who, you know, like people are looking at these guys who seem, I think men are now, they do have these very visual representations

of guys who seem to have it all and they're comparing themselves to those guys. Oh, and I think a lot of modern men are more vain as well, physically vain. I actually agree. Men are competing with other guys. Men are also competing with, I guess, the perfect image of a man in those guys' eyes, I suppose. What I'm saying is that I don't think women are as fooled by that. So I think women aren't like, they don't have the perfect man in their head the same way that men have. Okay, so I get what you're saying.

You're saying that for men, women have the fear that men really have bought into this image of the perfect woman and that she does exist and that's what they're searching for. Oh yeah, I think men are fooled by that a lot. You're saying that women are not fooled by this idea of the perfect man steven i'm curious do you agree with that or do you think that it is still incredibly common for women to have this idea of what a perfect guy or that there is this guy out there that they've been sold that doesn't exist but they do believe in him i think there might be ideals that have been sold in in stories and romances and things

like that that that are like fantasy male characters but in general i would say women do there's a white maybe a wide range of different you can't rely on one woman being into the same thing like some woman thinks Johnny Depp's sort of kooky look is really for her and some woman thinks it's more like Chris Pratt a strapping muscular some like a skinny nerdy rocker guy I think there's a lot of range in what women enjoy so I think in a way there isn't like singular archetype square-jawed Superman there's a lot of women who that's not really their cup of tea so much so I think women have quite uh yeah I don't think they have a singular archetype so much I was going to say Audrey do you think that women still do have too

many fantasies about the kinds of guys that are out there? Or do you think that they're much better at coming to terms with the reality of men than men are the reality of women? I would say my non-educated opinion on it is what you've just said, which is that we have come to terms with the reality of men more. I think women potentially learn quicker how to value certain things in men I don't know

if that's true to everybody but I just I wonder whether men chase attributes that aren't necessarily the attributes that are going to make them happy for a little bit longer because they have perhaps more shallow taste when it comes to to what they're looking for in a woman. Whereas I think women, you know, they want to meet someone eventually who's going to be a good father and a trustworthy husband and a kind person to share their life with. I think they come to that conclusion perhaps a little bit quicker but what I do think is women are able to vocalize these insecurities far easier than men can so you know with your friends if you're the guy you're seeing you see his ex-girlfriend on Instagram you are able to call up your friend and go oh my god

she's beautiful here's a picture of her and talk about it and you're able to call up your friend and go oh my god she's beautiful here's a picture of her and talk about it and you're able to almost air out those insecurities which just takes the wind out of them right whereas I think men don't have that place to do that I mean I don't know maybe maybe you do but like I don't know if they do as much no I think that's an incredibly astute point because men just don't tend to have that kind of a community around them. I mean, men struggle anyway, I think, much more than a woman, it holds water because I do think that women tend to invest in their friendships in a way that men don't. And a lot of guys, even if they have close friendships, they don't necessarily say those kinds of things. That kind of vulnerability is rewarded in some male circles. And I actually think it's gotten better.

I think more men are willing to talk to each other about these kinds of things. But it's still so much worse than women. For a guy to admit that he felt threatened by another man to his friends is a difficult thing to do. Yeah, I don't think most men would say it. They might say it as a joke, but not really. I can imagine it coming out in some really, in a very dramatic way, like a drunken night that turns violent. Instead of just like, well, Audrey, your example of just kind of kind of a, kind of a sweet, straightforward phone call. That's kind of almost a throwaway moment with a guy. It's like, we need to talk, bro. You know? And it's just like a big, a big moment where

it's just like, they're not, if they're going to actually have that little release of vulnerability, it is like a pent up release. Or it's, or it's my, or as you say, it's couched in aggression, you know? Oh oh he's the guys are the guys are prick you know the guys are this the guys are that it's a it it becomes the cover-up for the fear is is the aggression uh in men and that's obviously why men destroy everything yeah yeah it probably does come out in aggression more. So another one here. Putin. Bless you. So another one here.

No, no, no, keep going, Stephen. Another one here from Brandon is interesting. He says. Hey, everybody, Matthew here. Before we continue with the episode, I wanted to make sure you knew about something very special we have going on right now. If you want to graduate from the podcast to an even more intimate relationship with me, I have a way that you can do that in the Love Life Club. If you go to askmh.com right now, you can sign up for a 14-day free trial to this club. This is where we go well beyond the scope

of the podcast into actual coaching. If your love life is a priority for you right now, if working on the patterns that are holding you back in your love life is a priority for you right now, if working on the patterns that are holding you back in your love life or simply improving your confidence is a big goal you have this year, the Love Life Club is where we do that kind of coaching. We have special guests. I coach people in a much more exclusive group than anywhere else that I release content. This isn't just content. It's actual coaching I do with our members, answering questions, doing live demonstrations,

bringing people onto video so that they can actually ask questions. Stephen does the same. He has sessions in that Love Life Club. We have masterclasses that we do. It really is an extraordinary place to be if you want to be on the path to becoming the most confident version of yourself. And if you want to be on the path to finding the kind of relationship you've always wanted. Make sure you go over there before you finish this episode, askmh.com. And now let's get back to it. and now back to the episode

another one here from brandon uh is interesting he says there's the insecurity he feels is am i reading cues correctly have i communicated my interest in her enough too much am i being myself and not trying to impress is she attracted to me despite me being a bigger guy i think it means the heavier guy that's an interesting one though that i don't those first ones about well hey yeah body insecurities a lot of women don't realize how much men have body insecurities but men just feeling like am i trying too hard or do i need to be doing more to show i like her am i texting too much or too little and i think a lot of women don't realize how much men are worried about whether they're coming on too strong or not

that's so interesting because i think you're totally right, Steve. I think women assume that the moment they receive a text from a man is the only moment they've thought about them and thought to text them. They just never assume that men are playing any sort of game or playing it cool or trying to kind of, you know, navigate everything that they're trying to navigate I honestly think that's that's true I think that's the last place women's minds go when it comes to dating they just assume that they're not interested yeah and I literally had a phone call with a friend recently and he was saying with with a woman he's been in the early dating stage of and he literally said to me he's like I think I think I've blown it though i think i've i'm trying too hard and i think i can feel her like pulling away i think like i've shown he was thinking i've shown too many of my cards basically and i think now like i've lost lost the interest and he was

you know he was insecure about it but he was like, I think I've blown it because I've shown too much interest. Which is, you know, this is, I feel this is a moment where we might actually be able to do something to bring men and women a little closer together. Because firstly, that flies in the face of, you know, it's always a fun comedic moment for people like us to hear some hear a woman say but what does he what does he mean when he says he wants to see me later and it's always like a fun sort of moment to be like um he means he wants to see you later you know like you hear that you hear that kind of joke all the time in any in any dating analysis context um men just, if he texted you, it means he wanted to text you. If he didn't, it means he didn't.

You know, and it's actually a little, it's disingenuous and it's a little patronizing because what it says is women are neurotics and men are straightforward. And here we've got the lovely Brandon, which is so human, what he has written here. And I really respect you and appreciate you, Brandon, for saying this. Am I reading cues correctly? Have I communicated my interest in her enough too much? Am I being myself and not trying to impress? Is she attracted to me despite me being a bigger guy? This is exactly the kind of human confusion and self-doubt and analyzing our actions that what it says to me is we are all concerned that if we do too much, we are all of a sudden going to be unattractive. We're going to be too available. That's going to be seen as a sign that we are low value and we're going to lose any sense of mystery and thereby our power.

And someone is going to find that a turnoff, uh, and they're going to seek excitement elsewhere. So we have that feeling, even though none of us, none of us play games, right? None of us play games. We don't want to meet someone who plays games. We would never play a game. And then all of a sudden we start dating someone and we play games, right? The, the, and we play games. We don't want to meet someone who plays games. We would never play a game. And then all of a sudden we start dating someone and we play games, right? And we play games not because we want to play games. We play games because we want to maintain our power to the extent that we don't get battered in the process, right? So that's where the game playing comes from a place of fear for most people. I don't want to get hurt. So my game is going to protect me from getting hurt or getting rejected too badly. At least if they go cold, it won't be some hard rejection. If I really try and then they reject me, then it's going to be a full-on rejection. What this says to me is that if we want to reduce the amount of game playing that we experience from other people, we have to give them encouragement for the times that they reach

out. We have to express that it was really nice when you reached out to me this morning. I really enjoyed getting that text from you. So now Brandon is no longer in his head going, was that too much this morning? He's thinking, oh, she liked it. I can do that again. I don't need to obsess over whether that was too much. It doesn't mean that she has to now start trying double time to show that it's okay for him to do that. There is a time and a place for that. If you reach out to someone spontaneously, if you give someone a call on the phone, you get this reciprocal effect where they feel like they can do the same. Oh, you picked up the phone to me. I guess I can pick up the phone to you too.

Oh, you sent me a message at a random time of day. I'll feel comfortable doing that tomorrow now or tonight. There is an element of that, but you can also just encourage people for the times that they do it and say that you really enjoyed it. Say that that meant something to you. Say it was really nice to hear from them. Express warmth. And a lot of people, you know, if you've got a guy who's tiptoeing and not doing too much because he's afraid he's going to be too much, and then you've got a woman who's not showing much warmth because she's afraid that that's going to be too much then no one's getting confirmation for anything they're doing and everyone stays in their game playing mindset

yeah it's so true you you just saying like ah i woke up to a morning a lovely morning text from you smiley face like smile kiss or whatever that's just like oh great we're on the same page it does a lot it does a lot to just assuage people's anxiety of coming on too strong um but yeah people will worry about saying after a date like texting and going i had a great time with you people like should i say that is she then gonna think that i'm already too easily won over like is that too much yeah to say that I had a really not I had a really great time it's really tricky in the early stages I don't think that we I think we have to make peace with the fact that we don't have enough to go on early on. And I think that we have to reserve a little judgment in saying, I just don't know what I don't know. What I know

is that if I always value what is actual meaningful connection, then I can't go too far wrong. In other words, if I find myself not getting texts from somebody, not getting their attention, feeling that they're too busy for me. And I see that as a sign of the value of this relationship. That's a problem.

And instead, what I have to do is say, the only thing that's really going to have value to me is somebody who is clearly trying now that doesn't mean that i want to add a little bit of nuance step one of handling ourselves the right way in a way that protects us and shows self-love is is just mirror? Mirror, mirror somebody else's level of trying. So their level of phone calls or texts or whatever they do, mirror that. Now, if you do that, then you're not going to end up in a situation where you're investing way more than another person. But there is a more sophisticated and I would argue a braver approach, which is to

strategically give a little more in moments and to see how that plays out this is braver because it requires a little vulnerability for us to actually try a bit harder than another person is it shows leadership and it shows frankly a as long as it's not coming from a place of insecurity but strength it actually shows a very loving human being it shows someone who's open to the world and who believes in their ability to lead not just to follow because if you only mirror then you're only ever following you're always following the energy of the situation, the energy of the person, their level of vulnerability, their level of warmth, their level of bravery.

And that's a recipe for playing it safe. I don't believe that it's a solid recipe for creating the maximum opportunities. And I don't think it's the best strategy for seeing the best in other people. Because in a lot of situations, people require a little leadership. So if we want our early dating life to be really fruitful, I believe that there are moments where we have to step out of mirroring and take an actual step. And Stephen, you have a great phrase for wouldn't normally, when this dynamic is only happening on a certain level of messaging, but then I send one more than maybe the dynamic, than is normal to the dynamic right now. voice note. It can be subtle steps forward that the other person isn't taking. But when I do that, what I'm really doing is setting up another situation to be mirrored. What I'm saying is,

I've been mirroring you so far. Now I'm going to do a little bit more and I'm going to see if you mirror the extra bit of effort I've put in. Where we get ourselves into trouble is if someone doesn't mirror us when we do that, but then we continue to invest at that new level. That's what gets us into trouble with people who are either playing around with us, quite prepared to use us, and are happy just to take all of our energy without giving the same back. So it's a combination of continuing to expand our lives, even though we've met someone that we think is awesome. Because meeting someone you think is awesome doesn't mean you met someone who's great for you. It just means you met someone who's awesome or who you think is awesome. Combining that with strategically giving a little more than they did and seeing if it leads anywhere

productive or if their level of effort stays where it is, in which case that becomes a signal to redirect your effort in another direction, regardless of what the reason is. Because if at the point where you try a little harder, nothing interesting happens, who cares whether they're playing games or they're really busy and important. They both amount to the same thing, which is someone who's not actually that interested in making space for something more right now. I think something that's really interesting from these over a thousand comments that we read is just that there are people who are not going to take your heart and your wellness seriously in both genders

male or female and I think that we as women are so quick to other men in the way that they feel. But ultimately, if you are a sensitive man, you will suffer at the hands of people in the same way that if you are a sensitive woman, it just so happens that women potentially have more access to their sensitivity. And maybe also look for different things at different moments in their lives but i do think that we have a lot more in common than we realize i 100 agree with that and the final sort of theme that came up in these was men you know and as well i think you know there's always a lot of talk about women having a blueprint for their life and the expectations, but we got quite a lot here about male expectations.

Joe said, being judged, insecure about being judged by my prior choices in life by the person I'm dating, not understanding that me and others are in the same boat and trying to push forward and rebuild credit, make the right decisions and become the man that we should have been years prior. And there was another one similarly from Byron who talked about, you know, the fact that he didn't have his own place, his own car, feeling inadequate and feeling like I'm going to be judged on that or I don't provide enough security. So that as well of men feeling like they have expectations. What's interesting is he goes on to say, even though a good portion of women I meet lack one or both as well,

meaning a lot of women I meet also lack their own place, their own car. But what's interesting about that is the male insecurity that that matters more on my side than it does on hers. Right. If I haven't got to a place in my life where I'm successful, where I can take care of myself, where I've got good credit, where I'm in a stable position, that will be judged more harshly by women than it would by me if it were the other way around. Yeah. And men feel much worse about that as they get older as well. I think it becomes worse if they feel like they don't have those things. Yes. There's also Julius here who says says will she be able to understand the emotions or the side of me that people don't usually see or i don't usually let let out i think this is one of the biggest ones that that we've not really touched on which is men being terrified that if they let out the real them it's not going to be

enough and most men have gone through their whole lives putting on some kind of front some kind of tough exterior to cover up for the ways that they don't feel they match up. And they cover it up in all sorts of ways. Some men make a ton of money. Some men become the tough guy. Some men become the guy who knows everybody and is friends with everybody. Some men become really learned and academic. There are all these different ways that they cover up for their inadequacy or what they feel is their inadequacy. And what I believe is the ultimate experience for any man is meeting someone who truly accepts him for who he is, who sees beneath all of that, and really does love him for who he is as a person with all of his vulnerabilities.

And I believe that most men are terrified of ever letting that guy out because they think that the moment that guy comes out is the moment that they lose their appeal, the moment they lose their mystery, the moment they lose that special power they have. Whatever it is. I'm not saying men associate with having a lot of power because i don't think no i probably i don't think most consciously do i think most men associate with

having very little power with not living up to the one percent of guys that they see as the richest most powerful most alpha toughest most handsome men you know people people are quite quick to forget when kind of lumping men all together that there are statistics i forget what the statistics are but the horrifying statistics on dating apps that it's, you know, essentially like 1% of the men on dating apps who are getting 95% of the matches or whatever. And most men by definition this feeling of powerlessness that they they don't match up they don't live up and so guys all develop their front and every's got every guy's got a different one they come in all different shapes and sizes but everyone's got their thing that they use to make themselves feel like they have a seat at the table. But there is a terrifying fear most men have of what if I show up at the table just as me with my true hopes and fears and idiosyncrasies and the things that I think about and the shame that I carry and the regrets and the worries that I'm not enough.

What happens if I show up with all of those? Am I going to be wanted? And most guys believe the answer is no. And so they don't let that guy out. Um, and when I hit Julia say, will she be able to understand the emotions or the side of me that most people don't usually see, or I don't usually let out. I believe that's what he's saying. Dave Hughes says his fear is not being good enough, but interesting enough to be on the short list. Um, which I think is so interesting. Explain that for us. Well, the reason I think this is interesting is that I think I think a lot of women because they assume that men have no emotions and no feelings in the same way that women do they are so happy to mess men

around whom they're not necessarily interested in they forget that they just forget that they have they experience the same problems and challenges in dating that they do right it's what you said a million times people who complain about being ghosted have 100% ghosted people it just didn't matter to them because they didn't like them and they didn't see it as such because in that moment that situation was just uncomfortable and a nuisance and they didn't know how to handle it so they just did what men have gone on to do to them and then they end up sort of feeling incredibly victimized over and I think this idea of having a short list I think women inherently get far more attention than men.

And, you know, the average woman will probably get more attention than the average man, for reasons that we don't necessarily need to go into right now. But that's probably true. And as a result, you know, because people are people, and we're all trying to feel something and make ourselves happy women will have men in the wings that are kind of waiting to see if they'll give them that attention that day or go on a date with them and I think that when the men that you know the sort of the front runner when things don't work out with that person they are more likely to fall back on those people. And they do it in a way where they don't actually think there will be any consequences or any aftermath for those men because they just assume men don't have the same feelings women do. And I think that's what I mean about we're so quick to other men.

And what's really interesting to me reading those comments and hearing you guys talk it's kind of you know rejection is rejection whoever you are however you identify it's the same emotion it's it's so deep rooted within us as pack animals to feel like we want to be accepted and loved and part of something and being rejected can feel like a small death to so many of us and it doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman or whether they're able to emotionally express it that yeah I think men will feel the same way but we just as women I think sometimes I think I think women just forget that they forget that men go through the same experiences and it hurts just as much and I think there's a lot of I think there's a lot of hidden resentment

from women towards men and I think the good guys, the average guy, who's just, you know, like everyone else, looking to find someone and be happy, will be paying the price for all of the resentment that women feel towards men. And that 1% you talk about, who probably do treat women unfairly and disrespectfully and and whatever else

i think there's probably a lot of resentment from men towards women as well especially the kind of men who don't identify with getting much attention or don't identify with even having the ability to mess people around. You know, they don't even relate to that idea. And they are very much just hoping that the next person they date will like them enough not to ditch him for a better looking guy or someone who's got more going on than he has. And I think that's also an important perspective because I think that a lot of the things that guys are accused of, a decent amount of men don't even relate to having that kind of power they relate to being on dating apps and feeling invisible they relate to to not getting any matches let alone getting

on a date i love the idea that uh we we brought audrey on here to to like we thought we were going to bridge some gaps and what we've learned that, oh yes, men and women are the same. They both resent each other equally. But yeah, I mean, if we could build a bridge here, it would just be like, everyone feels out of control all the time. And we just got to, I mean, and really the sort of sad thing I'm hearing is that a lot of these insecurities are founded. Like you are not secure when you're first meeting somebody, when you're dating. It's like, yeah, it's like attraction is a bit of a game, you know. And what I kind of like about your model, Matthew, about like, you know, invest and test, it is kind of like you have the, you sort of have the constraints

of how much communication you're having. Now within those constraints, how attractive can you look? And you can mirror them, like you're saying, but can you lead them a little bit too? Can you like, can you put enough of your attraction cards on the table, not just your vulnerability cards? I like that you brought up the fact that it's more than vulnerability, it's attraction. So that's like, are you busy? Are you doing cool stuff with your friends? Are you, are you sort of telling the story of your life within those constraints that make you attractive enough that that person is actually going to mirror back once you lead them. I would sum it up by saying go through life as a generous person. Approach your life as a generous person. It will not only lead other people, it will absolutely benefit you

because it will open more doors. People will be more receptive to be, don't be generous to the point where it poisons the well. In other words, if you continue to be generous to someone who does not have good intentions towards you or who is consistently not reciprocating, that will start to create a toxic situation and it will poison the well. And the well is all you have to draw from for future generosity. So you can't poison the well. That's the one rule you always have to have. And being in a situation where someone is taking and you're giving, and that's the one rule you always have to have and being in a situation where

someone is taking and you're giving and that's the dynamic is poisoning the well but that shouldn't stop you from being brave enough to be generous with your energy before that point before you know it's so important for men to understand the suffering of women and for women to understand the suffering of men and understand that the challenges are there on both sides and they're different but i think if you meet someone who as a woman you know you definitely meet in life in general men who are dismissive of the challenges of women and because they don't understand they almost say well I don't think that's a problem I don't think that's an issue and you just sit there as a woman going you have no idea how infuriating is this conversation and I think the same thing happens for men women just have these preconceived flippant ideas about them and I think going into

any situation in any relationship where you can empathize with the struggles of being the other gender will get you a really long way because if a man feels understood and he doesn't feel demonized and shamed he just feels understood as a man with his shortcomings as a man and his strong points as a man that's that's how people feel comfortable and feel seen. And eventually that's how love happens. And I think the same thing needs to happen the other way around. The struggle that exists for men exists for women the other way and vice versa. And I think the sooner we can start empathizing with that in one another, the more honest connections will be formed. I totally agree.

I don't have much to add to that. She that bridge after all thank you audrey mr jefferson build that bridge that's i'm conflating a lot of things there because you are way too many again a lot of a lot of history conflated there a lot i was just trying to contest you calling me Gollum in my cave earlier today, Stephen. I've come out of my cave. This was great. And what a great, great ending note. I want to ask you to leave us a review on iTunes. Let us know what you thought of this episode.

Let us know what it thought of this episode. Let us know what it brought up for you and how you enjoyed it. Feel free to send us an email, podcast at matthewhussey.com. Is there anything you felt we left out of this episode that you want us to continue with in another episode? Podcast at matthewhussey.com. and don't forget also to check out our new website if you haven't already howtogettheguy.com there's a fun little tool on the home page where you can put in the thing that you're struggling with right now and it will recommend you the best content

program that we have ever created for what you're going through right now. That's at howtogettheguy.com. Now, there may be some men listening to this episode. I want you all to know that firstly, we appreciate you being here. But secondly, what I'm about to say is as relevant to you as it is to all of the women here. In November, we have our virtual retreat coming up from the 11th to the 13th. I mentioned it at the beginning of the episode. And it's something that is very much gender neutral in its appeal. I believe that practically all of our advice is actually gender neutral in its appeal, but a lot of men are complaining over time that we don't have programs specifically designed for them. Well, the good news about the

virtual retreat is that it applies to everybody. That's right. Anyone can come and get the most out of this for three days. If you value us as coaches, if you like my style of coaching, then the virtual retreat is a time when you can spend three immersive days with me working on your entire life. The patterns that hold you back, the confidence you want to have now and in the future, the goals you want to work towards, your ability to handle your emotions on a daily basis, and just simply living a better life, a life that you're proud of. We're going to be doing all of this on the virtual retreat. And right now we have an early bird offer, like I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, where you get those three special bonuses and a big discount for getting your ticket now in the month of June. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com

to find out more and grab your ticket. Now, Stephen, before we end, can we just have one final review that's come in via email this time to podcast at matthewhussey.com yes we have a lovely review from joanna who says steven and matt she's putting me first in the list there so fair enough joanna thank you she says i've been listening and reading every word you've ever said but this last episode really touched me i entered a relationship at age 21 and stayed with the same person for 14 years. We were married and I thought my life was set. It was one thing I didn't have to worry about. Two years ago we got divorced and your wisdom really and truly has been one of the most if not

the critical aspects of my recovery. I am now single and trying to adjust still to this new life. However it's because of you and your work that I've started to make the best of my life Wow. really helped me rebuild myself and my life. Don't ever stop what you're doing, Joanna. Wow. Well, hey, Joanna, it sounds like that time is a very long way off. Yes.

So we don't want to be in your thoughts on your deathbed for a long, long time, but we are very much enjoying being in your life right now so thank you thank you thank you for that stunningly beautiful note feel free to email us any questions stories of using our advice uh comment on the episodes or just anything you want to let the four of us, me, Jameis and Stephen and Audrey know by email podcast at matthewhussey.com. Thank you to you guys and lady for being here. We so appreciate you all and thank you all for listening. We'll speak to you next time.