Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 173: Are These The 7 Essential Questions To Ask Your Partner??

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

We all like to think a great relationship is just about finding the right person. But it's not. It's also about how you communicate with that person. It's about the inner thoughts you share. The way you divide tasks. How you both share your worries. The time you schedule you together. In this episode, Matt, Stephen, Audrey and Jameson sit down to talk through a recent New York Times article by Catherine Pearson that made the case for 7 essential check-in questions to ask your partner. --- Join our next Virtual Retreat! - Claim Your Limited Time Summer Self-Care Discount ($100 OFF the usual price!) for The Virtual Retreat at MHVirtualRetreat.com. Offer ends August 7th! --- Email us! You can get in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail] --- Follow Matt on Insta @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen on Insta @stephenhhussey --- ►► FREE guide to download: “3 Secrets To Love” → 3SecretsToLove.com

You're basically creating a blank space that they can fill in with whatever thing has been on their mind that they haven't been talking about. Welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, Stephen Hussey. Hello everyone. Jameson Jordan. Greetings listeners. And Audrey Lestrat. Hi everyone. Full house today guys jams every card in the pack so we're sort of who coined the name jams for us was it you or was it jameson i think it was you

so jams is a did i really. James is an acronym Jameson Audrey Matthew and Stephen. Which everyone knows because they listened to the previous episode so they already know that. Did we do James in the previous episode?

Yeah it was in the previous episode. Oh I don't think we did. Listeners can tell us who coined it if we did mention it in the previous episode. I hope we didn't do it in the last episode

because I really I just am not remembering things anymore if that's the case. We definitely did didn't we Stephen? the last episode because I really I just am not remembering things I don't remember anymore if that's the case we definitely did didn't we Stephen yeah I think we did well welcome everybody back to another episode now before we jump into today's topic which Stephen and Audrey maybe because I you sprung today's topic on me so maybe you can just give us a little teaser of what today's topic is. And then I want to read an email review from one of our listeners. All right. Well, everyone knows that the last two years have been fraught, difficult for many

reasons for both single and couples alike, Matt. And we want to talk today about a little solution for people who are dating or with someone. And this is advice from none other than the New York Times itself, Matthew, on the seven essential questions you can ask your partner for a relationship check-in. And I think these will apply to a lot of people as well. Whether you're in a relationship or not, I think you're going to get a lot of value out of hearing what these are. So even if you're just seeing someone right now, do you think there's some value in these? Yeah, absolutely. All right. We'll see. Very good. I look forward to them. We have a email review here from Hannah who says, hi, Matthew and everyone. I love an idea or rule that I just recently heard you,

Matthew, say. It was the idea of you and your partner whom you live with getting ready separately when you're going for a date. I love that idea. What a brilliant idea. I feel like this is one of the many techniques you can use to keep the spark and the attraction alive and well in a long-term relationship. Love your content so much. You changed my life in a phenomenal way 10 years ago, and I've loved listening to you ever since. Much love, Hannah. Well, thank you, Hannah. I stand by that rule. Yeah, I agree. I mean, you know, it's not easy in every house. Some people live in a studio. And so you might just have to take turns. One of you goes and gets ready, does the big reveal. And then the other one comes out and does the big reveal. It just forces you to be kind of mindful about that lead up time to the date.

Because so often it's like, okay, we got the dinner reservations at eight. And it's just madness all the way until then but if you like dedicate the time beforehand the date turns into like a much longer calmer experience that's so true that is so true you always do that to me you'll go okay let me see if i can get a reservation okay we have to go in five minutes and i'm in my pajamas i haven't't showered. And you rush out the door. That is so Matthew to do that. Isn't it? It is, isn't it?

That is such a Matt thing. Sorry for getting us a reservation at a lovely restaurant. Well, yeah, but a bit of a heads up would be. If you tell me with 10 minutes notice that you'd like tonight to be a date night, I've got to find a restaurant in LA that's a decent restaurant

in 10 minutes we take what we can get at that stage audrey there's times when i go to when i'm staying at matt's in la and he'll come and knock on my bedroom and he'll go do you want to do a personal training session with me today i go oh yeah cool okay he'll go okay we gotta leave in three minutes. Right. Well, if you want to get started on this. And I'm like having a chill. I'm like laid on bed playing video games or having a nap. And I'm like, what?

I do want to come, but what? He's like, yeah, get your clothes on. We've got to go in three minutes. I know it's difficult when you're in a different gear. Anyone who knows Stephen knows that there is absolutely no point asking him to do something the day before or even hours before, because you will always get the same answer, which is, Audrey, what, Jameson, anyone, what would Stephen say if you asked him a day in advance to do something? Social ball, whatever, just a gym session? Maybe. Oh, I don't know.'t know i i i wanted to catch up on some reading and uh

i yeah i don't think both both tick tick both of correct answers he may also say um i'll let you know um i'm just gonna uh see what i'm doing then so there is absolutely no point telling steven in advance you just ask him 10 minutes before it's happening and then you'll know for sure whether he's coming or not look at look at matthew getting so defensive just because we've called him out on not giving us enough time before social events i do like this segment of the podcast which is just an intervention for matthew like all of us just gang up on right well no next you say, can we go on a date tonight? I'll say, yeah, take as long as you want. We're going to Wendy's.

Sounds lovely. No, I've got nothing against Wendy's, Jameson. Now a message from our sponsor, Jack in the Box. Jameson's ideal date location, by the way, for anyone listening, is Taco Bell. And if you want to send through some some i was going to say double decker tacos but i mean taco bell has died a little bit to me ever since really ever since the you know i mean years ago they discontinued the double decker tacos again i think we are shooting ourself in the foot with these future sponsors you say years ago if i counted

the number of times you've recommended taco bell just in the last two years, it's still suggestive of being your favorite restaurant. I'm saying it's a healthy relationship. It wasn't a healthy cutoff that we had. It's still get the... It's like an ex you can't stop going back to even though they've stopped doing the only reason you ever loved them. Those toxic booty calls. Yeah. And they are late night. Whenever you suggest Taco Bell, it's always late night. Jay's like calls yeah and they are late they are late night

whenever you suggest taco bell it is always late night jay's like yeah they've really gone downhill but he's still going to exactly the same amount he is he's one of those guys complains but still eats that dorito cheese filled meat wrap which is the name of their newest creation and you can get it at taco bell no no no that's not there's no setup there but i'll tell you what i will pitch it won't be taco bell but it will be the brand new offer for our virtual retreat which is a very limited time offer the virtual retreat as you all know because you'll all be there, is in November from the 11th to the 13th. Three days of coaching, of me, our team, giving you the blueprint to live your best life. And there's a lot of misconceptions,

Steve, aren't there? That this is a love life retreat? Well, it's not a love life retreat. It's a retreat about loving life, loving yourself, about building the life you want. And if part of that is that you want an incredible love life, you want to find love, or you want to make your relationship amazing, then you can apply it to that. But it can also be applied to your health, your wealth, your passions, starting a new road in life, starting a new business, going in a new direction in your life. Finally, learning how to manage your emotions and be at peace, be happy. It's an enormously valuable program that's been developed over nearly 15 years and is coming up. The last one is in November. And right now we have a special summer self-care package for the virtual retreat. And in that package, you get $100 off the normal ticket price and you get three special bonuses that you will find when you go to mhvirtualretreat.com. And you know what?

I'll just say it while we're here very quickly. One is instant access to a masterclass I did on my daily formula for productivity and time management. The second is an invitation to Momentum Week, where every day we join you for a special accountability session on your goals. And lastly, an exclusive live virtual retreat preparation Q&A, where I'm going to be live with you, helping you through your questions about the program and helping you get the most out of it before it even begins. So those bonuses are available to you

right now if you go and get the Summer Self-Care Special and you can get it at mhvirtualretreat.com. Stephen, take it away. What is this article you found that's going to improve all of our loved lives? So Matt, I was looking at this article because found that's going to improve all of our love lives so matt i was looking at this article because i thought it was really really interesting the idea something people don't really talk about an idea of having a checkup really good questions you can ask your partner that actually diagnose the health the status of your relationship i think there's an idea that relationships just work and if everything's right, if everything's aligned between you, it should just naturally work on autopilot. But the case

made in this article is that couples can get stuck and because of the last two years, a lot of couples have been stuck in isolated survival mode where their relationships are just about managing household tasks, they've forgotten how to managing household tasks they've forgotten how to have fun they've forgotten about spontaneous interactions these sorts of things so this is a way to check in with your partner and see if you've got stuck in old routines and where there's like troubleshooting or where everything's going great maybe you'll ask these questions ago oh this is awesome look at all the things we appreciate about each other very good all right i'm excited about this they're either gonna be a wake-up call or very validating about how great my love life is okay so what do

you think of this one matt question one is what do we like to do together for fun? So hang on, is this, are you asking me to answer this? Is this like, am I being put through a test here? Or is it, are you asking me to say whether this is a good question to ask people? This question talks about how it encourages couples to take out a calendar, look at the past week or month and ask, how many minutes did we spend actually doing something fun

or pleasurable together i really like this question because it we spend our lives on autopilot going from you know business meetings to obligations to chores and it's so easy not to you know we've spoken about this haven't we we're like what's coming up that we're looking forward to like what have we got planned that we're excited about or looking forward to it doesn't have to be I'm not talking about like a week-long vacation somewhere but just even if it's just an evening or something it could be something small, but just what's the thing we're looking forward to right now? Because we work very hard and it's so easy to just ignore that. And so I really believe in this question, how much quality time are you actually getting doing something fun together? That's good. I know we've spoken a lot because we're both big fans of Esther Perel's

work and all the things that we always say with long-term relationships, especially it's important to get that kind of time apart from your partner because desire can grow in those moments that you're apart. But yeah, I mean, it's so easy to just forget that like you still have to have fun together because so much of life can just happen. And it's like, find yourself forget that like you still have to have fun together because so much of life can just happen and it's like find yourself just well we share meals together and we watch tv together but then you just lose like there's everything you can do in the world still out there yeah and one of the things esther talks about that i really love is just that we we take our most charming charismatic energetic selves and we give all of that we, we take our most charming, charismatic, energetic selves,

and we give all of that to everything else in our day and then leave the scraps for this person that we're with. And it's, that's, you know, that's, that's normal in a life where we do have to go and work hard and there are going to be days where that's true. But if it's true for too many days in a row, then it becomes, it becomes disrespectful to your partner that everyone and everything else gets your best energy and not them. So I, I like that. And I think people shouldn't overthink what that means. We went on a hike, didn't we? We we were like we need to do some exercise and we just went on a hike in one of these hikes in LA and it was you know we both kind of were on our way down from the hike and we were like that was quality time we were doing something active it was it wasn't even

like we just sat there talking to each other like we were still doing something else we were getting exercise we were out in nature it ticked a lot of boxes but we actually talked and we weren't looking at our phones on the hike and that made it quality time it made it fun not like I think the idea of fun has to be that we're like zipping around doing something exciting no we would we were just doing a hike but it was its own form of fun and quality time and to piggyback off that point what i like about it is that it forces you to look at areas where you can turn the mundane into the fun so you can say what do we like to do together that's fun well we always used to really enjoy having dinner together and watching a series and

now it's become something that we do on autopilot and we don't feel connected to when we do it so I think this question forces you to reconnect to the areas where you can inject the fun and actually change the intention when you're doing very as you say you know ordinary things that's so good and I would just say one I would just remind it as you're talking about the hike, the consistency is like so crucial. One of the most heartening things I've seen recently is I just went back to Sacramento for a few days to see my family and my parents have been so consistent with every single morning taking like a walk together and their like wedding anniversaries. I think it's their 45th wedding anniversaries coming up but they've never i've never actually seen them so close because they

consistently do it and sometimes like ah we need the exercise your mom's on me because she's like looking after my health but uh the consistency is really is really huge i love that we do that with coffee yeah we have coffee together every morning i'll say this going on a hike for those of you that are dating and not in a serious relationship i actually think is a great date because it it it is just one of those active things that allows you to kind of focus outwardly while also having quality time together although be careful the kind of hike make sure it's not too tough and you're not kind of you're unable to yeah like skidding around everywhere and the dust like choking on you choose the hike you choose the hike that suits your level

pick a sexy hike all right next question okay question two, who takes out the garbage now? So some of these questions are in light of the pandemic, and it talks about how the pandemic shook up heterosexual couples and how they're dividing tours. Some data suggests there's more egalitarianism in the home after the pandemic. Some suggest that lockdown exacerbated existing gender disparities but galena roads a psychologist says setting aside a time a specific time to talk about the subject of who does what and what roles you want to have going forward plan for it like you would for a

business meeting know what you want to talk about and be as explicit as possible about who's going to do what. What do you think of this? Well, I don't have any problem in theory with the idea of two people coming together to decide who does what, you know, and you can divide it according to, well, I actually don't mind doing the dishes, so it according to, well, I actually don't mind doing the dishes. So I'll do the dishes. I actually don't mind doing the washing. I'll do the washing. I actually don't mind taking the bins out. I'll do that. Or just, we both don't like this. Okay. We'll take turns or whatever. I don't, I think that's a responsible thing to do, especially if you're living with someone because the arguments and the resentment starts

when it feels like there's an uneven distribution of responsibilities, or one person is doing all of the things and one person is just enjoying all of the things being done. I do think that what we have to be careful of is planning for a sort of special meeting where we're going to air all of our grievances about the way things have been going because sometimes it's easy to kind of then just defer all of our grievances until that meeting and not be honest in the moment when something upsets us there's a lee cockerell who used to be the he was a vice president of the parks at disney i think he was um but he was at that level he was managing thousands upon thousands of people and he said i don't believe in employee reviews happening once a year because then you're not actually telling people in the moment what you

think you're saving everything until halfway through the year when all of a sudden you're going to have all of these honest conversations. The reviews should be kind of an ongoing thing. It should be, you did something I didn't like today. Let me reset an expectation. Let me be honest with you about that so that we're constantly adjusting course along the way. So I don't have a problem with delineating who does what, but I think if something's bothering us, saving it for some time when we're going to have a meeting like that is a very easy way to defer honesty. Who does the washing, Matt?

There are things that i do that you don't such as the thing is matthew is a clean matthew is a pretty clean guy so he you're pretty good matt at doing the washing up and stuff aren't you what are these things if i'm not no no if i if i have a phone call yeah the house is tidy by the end of that phone call and you know that so we have to wait for you to have a phone call I like to multitask with those things I I if I've got a good podcast I'll go around tidy do you know what's really funny if I'm on my own I'm the tidiest person in the world but the moment anyone else is in my house and they start like leaving stuff everywhere it's like malcolm gradwell's broken window theory you know i think somewhere

along the way that theory was either disproven or called into some controversy i'm not exactly sure why but there he he always said it was one of the big regrets of his, or he said it was an area that he... Yeah, it's contentious. The idea being that if you, a street where there's already a broken window is one that starts to get worse because people don't take as much care over it if they see that there's already broken windows. Now graffiti appears, now this appears and so on.

I think I'm getting that right, Stephen, am I? Yeah, yeah, essentially, yeah. I don't know why that became contentious, in any case malcolm gladwell's theory holds in this house except i'm incredibly tidy and you're there's no broken window no you get you clothes your clothes get everywhere no that's not true i don't know why you messed up by making this personal i was i was not gonna throw you under the bus for all the terrible things you've done. Which you can't seem to name because there are so few. My impression is most couples don't sit down and divide up the chores unless they're particularly fastidious.

Jameson, who does most of the chores in your house? I think it depends on it. Yeah. I mean, I think it depends completely on the cycles and the work cycles. So I was looking at this and right now I'm doing most of the chores. But like if I'm in the middle of some crazy edit or some shooting where I need to like do a marathon of work for you then then Bianca will pick that up but then also I don't know the thing about this I guess that makes me it's still probably the right the right way to do it but I kind of like just surprising somebody with like I did the chores

because it wasn't on the schedule it wasn't on the thing but like oh you did the dishes when I wasn't looking or you did the laundry when I wasn't thinking about it and you helped me get ahead on this one thing i like to delight in that way yeah it's quite it's a bit like going to dinner with a friend and you know we all like the friend that just picks up the tab and just goes it'll work itself out you know i'm just glad it's just nice to do something for you you know and it's not like well you got it this time and i did it this time. And like, it's it, but then of course, there has to be some, ultimately, I think conversations are important at the point where you go to dinner with the same friend five times in a row and you pay every time that's, that's when there's a conversation that's needed.

But we all know the feeling when we're with someone who's taking advantage of the things we're doing versus with someone where we know, oh, I have a genuine teammate here. You know, I think that we know that feeling. If something is starting to bother you, it's either usually because they're being a bad teammate and taking for granted the things you're doing, or it's that thing that really matters to you doesn't matter to them.

And so they don't tidy up because they don't mind mess. It just doesn't. If you didn't tidy up, it's not like they'd be doing it. They really don't mind it and that's the person that is really necessary to have a conversation with um because now you've also got to have a conversation where you say i know this isn't important to you but it is important to me and if i'm important to you i need you to help me with this and when did you first have this conversation with steve oh that's a comment on your messiness steve

well luckily we are not in that kind of relationship so none of us are even allowed in steven's room whenever steve does visit la i do watch the broken windows theory play out perfectly oh it's not the house starts to go mental i i i start just trashing the house myself well it's almost like yeah blame that on me as well matt's been waiting for steve to come just so he could like it's like a substitute teacher he's like ready to just like go absolute mental i don't like these questions i feel like they're really dividing us we used to be jams all right number three how many of these questions have we got seven seven seven all right it's gonna be a three-part episode the way it's going okay question three what is one thing we like about our sex life i think that's a nice question is and what's the intention behind this question, Steve? What they say is this is a sex therapy.

Sex therapy. This is adorable. Tammy Nelson, a sex therapist, believes it's more effective to focus on what's working if you're in a sexual rut. She says you don't change your sex life by saying I hate it when you go to the left. You say I love it when you go to the left you say i love it when you go to the right she encourages people in relationships to name one thing they appreciate about their sex life could be something they did 20 years ago could be a subtle gesture how one partner touches the other's face not sure why they use that example um focusing on those moments can help you reignite erotic energy

dr nelson says so this is this question is happening under the assumption that you are not having a good sex life presumably no it doesn't it doesn't have to be because if even if you were just talking with your partner about things you enjoyed about each other sexually that would be erotic and fun and you'd kind of go oh we really appreciate that we're having like oh we are we had we do have a really good sex life i what i will say with this is in general whether you're in a relationship or seeing someone i think to point out the things that you enjoy in the relationship whether they be physical or acts of kindness or just things you really like about them. Why are you looking at me like that? I think that's a really good thing to do. I think it's actually, it reinforces

the other person feeling valued and it also kind of gives you a nice barometer, especially when you're getting to know each other as to what the other person is enjoying about the connection. I think it's lovely. This is one of my strongest beliefs is that people are not specific enough about what they like about their partners or their friends. And people really, really appreciate specificity about what you liked the other day in the bedroom what you found really sexy something they did something you like about them something that turned you on it's just like massively beneficial to every part of the relationship why are you all giggling like school children i'm talking about something i don't know she's laughing because i'm smiling but i was only smiling before just because

it was funny to me that this is now the first point at which audrey has decided not to get personal whoa yeah yeah i it's just she got all shy on this one she was really ready to she's really ready to to uh run her mouth when it came to the washing but all of a sudden now she's gone quiet on the personal front no i said it was nice oh very specific i uh i think look that people's sex lives is one of the most it's one of the areas where the ego is most sensitive and so approaching it from a positive point of view as a way to build on success rather than start from a place of failure is important because we are fragile in that area if we start in with here's what i don't like about what you're doing or i i like, but you've never done it to me. That those are not phrases anyone wants

to hear in that context. So yes, I, I agree with this one. And I think that saying what you really like about your sex life is a great thing to do before talking about something that you would like to try or something you might like to adjust or do differently. So yes, I'm in favor of this one. And this is something that you can probably, even in early dating, right? It's something, it's an easy win to get where it's like, you're starting to learn each other. if something goes well you should sort of celebrate that a little bit and just try to like double down on what's going well i agree that people's best sexual selves come out when they're confident if you're feeling confident then you start to you know if you think about it taking yourself seriously is not a great place to come from in having great sex.

Then you're treading on eggshells. You're trying to, you're like, um, it's like the ultimate act of ego is I take myself really seriously and I don't want to be criticized and I don't want to be seen as bad at this. And now I'm trying to get everything right and you're very fragile in that state. If you're feeling confident, you play. It's one of the reasons that when people take themselves too seriously, they're really bad at flirting. It's not a free place to operate from. So when you're giving someone a compliment in the bedroom, especially in early dating, if you're just starting to be intimate with someone, saying things that build the other person's confidence is actually a way to make them

come out of their shell more, make them more playful, which is all going to add to the experience that the two of you have. It should be in our interests to make the other person feel confident when they are in our presence all right question four question four how have we helped each other through hard times i think look i actually think this question is is great i think it's a really really great question because one of the quickest ways to take our partner for granted is to forget the ways they've been there for us. The same is true, by the way, of family. The same is true of friendships. It's really easy in the moment to take someone for granted and to be like, oh, they're so annoying this week or, oh, I don't like the energy they're bringing me in this moment.

While forgetting that that person may have been with you through some of the most difficult moments of your life you a year ago may have shown up with some really bad energy and they were there for you in a big way and that's really humbling to remember when you have that perspective it's very very humbling who was there for you who put up with you in your most difficult moments? Who put up with you when things were in a really bad way for you? When you were going through something big, that's an important, that's a really, really valuable way not to take your relationship for granted. I suppose what sometimes jars me about the phrasing of these

questions is I think about the practical application of it. So the question was asked, you know, how have we been there for each other in hard times? Was that it? Yeah. I think that, um, how have we helped each other through hard times? So I, when I think of that more naturally in a conversation, I think of saying, you know, what I thought about today is how much you helped me during this time and how much it means to me whenever I think about it. You know, I was going through such a hard time and you were there for me and you showed up for me. And that's something I'll never forget. I hope there's been moments for you where you feel the same about me.

That to me opens up that conversation in a more organic way. Yeah, I agree. I'm glad you pointed that out because yeah, even the way you just said it, it almost seems like a little bit hardcore, you know, like it has to be like a big come to Jesus moment or something. But I think what this is really getting at

or the part of this that resonates with me is just the storytelling factor. So it's like you're actually just solidifying your history. So you can even be just an almost innocuous story like, oh my gosh, do you remember when we missed that flight that one time? And it's just you can start out very lighthearted about talking about something from your past. But just to kind of like, if you get the opportunity to solidify a story or to tie a bow

on it with like a compliment and just say like, we did that together. We got through it. I think that's that building of your story. That's the thing that really, and that's another thing where I think people lose it in a long-term relationship like this, but early dating, we've talked about this before. Like if you can build your story early on with somebody you're going to stand out to them and this is like actually this is this is pointing towards a really important part of building a relationship i think and by the way i want to say this for anyone who that building your story concept is something jameson and I talked a lot about in the creation of a program we have called the Momentum Texts because we created this program that was all about basically from the moment you

meet someone how do you get so much momentum with them that it actually leads somewhere real that it actually leads to a relationship because all we saw today or so much of what we saw today was just casual situations that didn't go anywhere people kind of never got enough momentum to get past the first date or the third date or the seeing each other phase they never got enough momentum to get to a relationship so we create a program full of text messages that can be conversations too they don't have to be texts, but they literally take, they give you momentum in the situation you're in with somebody so that it actually leads somewhere. And there's a whole section on how to build your story through text messages,

which is really, really powerful. So for anyone who hasn't got the momentum text, I cannot recommend that highly enough. I wasn't even planning on mentioning that today. But what you just said, Jameson, probably a lot of people are thinking, how do I actually apply that? And we talk about that in this program. dot com you can get that program and by the way i think it's literally the cheapest program we have it's like seven dollars so go and get it um it's really really powerful and it's so so practical cheaper than one gallon of gas we've never been able to say that before that is a that is a first framing it like good. Well, Stephen, what is question number five? Okay, well, this will be the most controversial question, and that is, are we still on the same page about monogamy? Oof.

Yeah. Do you feel like there might be an issue if you're having to ask that question? Surely that's a bit of a prerequisite if you're already in a relationship with someone. Well, what does the article say about this, Steve? I'm really curious. So one of the psychologists, Dr. Nelson, talks about how monogamy means many things to many people. And she encourages her clients to regularly update their monogamy agreements by discussing what forms of attachment they find acceptable outside of their main relationship and if any have changed. So example, even be specific beyond even sexual fidelity. What about online

conversations? What about things like pornography? What about flirting with a friend what about having lunch with an ex i guess my view on those things matt is that those things tend to come up all through a relationship and you're probably pretty clear mostly on where your partner stands on these but i guess the argument of this article would be that you can check in with these things and see if i don't know your views have been updated on one of them oh yeah i'm really not sure about this one because the it seems to me as you just suggested that this seems to be an indication that you guys haven't talked enough in general that you haven't gotten to know each other at the depth or intimacy that you should you know we do sometimes people find themselves in situations where they suddenly realize out of nowhere that them and their partner had different ideas on monogamy but even then you know if

there's an affair involved if that person truly had a different idea on monogamy then they would have been more open about it right it's almost like that's the reason they're keeping their affair secret is because they do have they do kind of they are carrying or still fat like putting forward the same idea of monogamy that you have they're just not telling you about the fact that they're having their cake and eating it you know i think on things if you're getting into a relationship with someone, it's usually because you've talked about what you both want and you both find yourself excited about the same idea of actually giving it a go with one person. Now, and I'm working this through in real time because I'm just trying to think if I, you know, is there validity to what's being said in that question. With things like porn, having lunch with an ex, those to me are the kinds of things that in healthy communication can be talked about.

They're not off the table. And usually when things like that are off the table is because one person is willing to avoid the subject or be dishonest and or because one person in the relationship created a lot of judgment around something so someone didn't feel like they could even bring up the fact that they watch porn because they feel like they're with a partner that would judge them really harshly for that. And so now it doesn't feel like it's a conversation that can be on the table. To me, it's almost a bit of a catch-22 because if you're having to have a conversation where you see what, you know,

do we still have the same ideas on monogamy and it involves all of these extra things that don't just involve actual kind of physical infidelity, but talking to someone, going to lunch with someone, porn or whatever. If you're having to have that conversation, it almost feels like there's a lot that you haven't talked about. And if you haven't talked about it, that suggests that you don't have the kind of communication that makes those things easy to talk about. So it's hard for me to imagine that

suddenly there's now going to be a really productive conversation about all of these things but if you do have a relationship where you can openly talk about things then it would be less likely that you need that conversation in the first place i think what's more i suppose pertinent to that question is in early dating being able to find out so quickly enough that you are on the same page about monogamy so if you know your partner watching porn is something that really really bothers you you you tell them that you tell them that early on and you work out a way where you know either they don't do it or they do it less or whatever um same with you know what what is what is the line with you know the way that you conduct yourself online? Do you think it's okay to like other people's pictures? Do you think it's okay to

message other people? What is cheating to you? I think that's an interesting question that you, anyone should ask their partner in the early stages, or you don't even have to ask, you can just state, these are my values, and this is what I want from someone to ask you can just state these are my values and this is what I want from someone and you can just allow the other person to fall in line with those values because ultimately if you say to someone for me cheating is anything you wouldn't like me to do or you wouldn't I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing you wouldn't be comfortable with me seeing, then the other person can sort of use their imagination as to what that is.

And I think if you don't communicate those things early on and you're not sort of open about those things, then that's when you run into problems down the line. I think when you bring them up, when you bring up your view on something, you give people a chance to respond. Correct. Yeah. They can take that opening or you can say, you know, what do you think about that? And then they get a chance to respond. It's not that I think that the question that's been put forward in this article is, is, um, the intention behind it is bad i just would i think we should all aspire to be in a relationship

where we're constantly staying curious about our partners in ways that mean we don't need this this moment where we come to them and say do you still feel the same way about monogamy which feels like a really sort of a big leap to suddenly ask someone that i would you know that suggests to me that in your sex life you haven't been talking enough of all these questions that one's like the most if you're saying that in real life i told audrey before this was like i want you to look at matt with a straight face and ask him this question and then just see how I respond because it's just so pointed. It's like accusatory, really. It's like, how do you say that? And like, are we? Yeah, it seems like you had a good time last night with your friends. Are we on the same page about monogamy?

It's just like, it's pretty, it's pretty harsh. Or you kind of think that someone is suggesting to you they want an open relationship by asking that question. Well, that's the thing as well. I think if you're no longer on the same page about monogamy, surely it's up to the person who no longer feels like they're on the same page about monogamy to bring it up. Not for the other person who still wants there to be no one else involved in your couple to be like, by the the way can i just double check i i think that there are indirect ways to talk about those things as well i think even just

talking in within your sex life having really open communication using sometimes other couples as a kind of starting point for talking about something you know there are there are couples that you may know or have heard of who have a completely different agreement in their relationship than you do and by bringing them up it's naturally going to invite opinions about that and that's going to naturally bring out some kind of perspective on your own relationship or who you're with and i would think that in some ways that's even a more even if your goal is just to get honesty from someone i would think that that's actually a way to create a more honest conversation is indirectly than coming to someone head-on and saying how do you feel about monogamy

these days which even if someone has been thinking a certain way, it's unlikely for them in that moment to suddenly open up to you. Especially if you haven't been talking about that in the, you know, if you, if the question is necessary in the first place. You know, I do think it's interesting in the realm of online and how things evolve in that department because things like interacting I know I just brought it up but you know liking other people's posts things like that they're kind of modern problems that if you got in your relationship 10 years ago you wouldn't necessarily have had to have those conversations so then your standard for those things might be might need a bit of a check-in because your partner might be doing something that you would actually be uncomfortable with if you knew about it.

But I think that, yeah, exactly. But that becomes a specific issue, right? Hey, does it bother you? You know, I'm, I'm the kind of person on Instagram that likes lots of stuff. Does it bother you if I like other people's photos or if it does if you've if there's someone you're with who has been liking other people's photos and you don't like it then you bring it up as a conversation and say hey you know I noticed this and it kind of it it hurts my feelings or it makes me feel uncomfortable and can we talk about it so it's even then it becomes a conversation about something that's actually happening. I suppose what throws that this question, if it were about something like that would be easier. Like if you came to your partner and said, what are you, how do you feel about porn? What's, what are your views on porn? That's an easier conversation to have and it feels like a much more realistic one than, so are we still on the same page when it comes to monogamy?

That feels like a troublesome question if someone came and asked that in a relationship, especially one that has true intimacy in it already. So that one I think is probably poorly phrased, but I'm curious what you think about number six, because I think this one might actually be nicely phrased. Okay. Okay, number six is, what is something that is worrying you that you haven't told me about yet?

Great question. Why is that a great question? Because it invites, and I could, I find the word worrying, it could be interchangeable with worrying, upsetting, bothering, thinking about, you know, you could insert different words there, but I like the idea that you're, you're create, you're basically creating a blank space that they can fill in with whatever thing has been on their mind that they haven't been talking about, you know? So I look how productive the question is when asked that way, I'd have to think about, but,

and there might be better ways of framing it or phrasing it, but the idea of saying, is there anything that I, you know, if I said to you, is there anything I do that either kind of bothers you or is there anything I do that you feel like I could do better? Is there anything you'd like me to do more of in our relationship? Is there anything you'd like me to do less of? Is there anything that is on your mind a lot that you don't say you know i think creating those those blank spaces for someone to just fill in is just an invitation for for honesty and someone saying what's been on their mind so i quite like it see i didn't know if this question specifically referred to your partner or just saying is there something on your mind that just bothers you lately that you haven't been talking about like share your share your vulnerability share your fears and your worries and um

your you know if that's true if that's true this question is a is an invitation to that information um you can actually get that information i like it because i don't i think it's both i think it's both. I think it's both. And I think for, at least for me, but I think for a lot of guys, any vulnerabilities they have, like it's about money or whatever, they'll keep it to themselves unless you really make a nice safe place

for them to air it, you know? That's so true. Yeah. You need to like plump the cushions, make it all cozy, get, you know, hey, have a margarita and let's just chat and tell me what's on your mind you know that's psychologically that's where you need to be to open up about that stuff if it was you it would be they need to run a bath i'd need to be in the hot tub set down a couple of tangerines for you a la croix in the hot tub cup coffee nice book yeah all that for a little bit of

honesty it's very much mood settings very important for honesty you know what i like about it is that you can and i think this can be applied both in early dating and in relationships is that it opens up a deeper conversation and your partner or the person you're seeing might not have even thought about the thing that was on their mind or worrying them but I think it almost creates an intimate space between you two where then they will start opening up about something and you will hopefully be closer by the end of it it's almost, I'm wondering if there's a way in early dating to ask it about almost someone's view on relationships. Like when you're asking, when you're talking about, you know,

what someone wants or what they want for their life or whatever. And, and they say, you know, maybe they say, say yeah I'm open to a relationship and you say to them is there anything that generally in your life concerns you when getting into a relationship or are there things about having a relationship that you find um like drive you away from them or pull you towards them like what's even even asking someone like what's the number one thing that pulls you towards a relationship and what's the biggest thing that makes you hesitate about relationships um i think that you learn a lot and also that information becomes really useful later it also shows that you are able to have difficult conversations

because when you ask that question you may not get an answer that you like very much. So it also just creates a kind of level of confidence and openness, which I think is very attractive to the other person. But if someone says, oh, you know, for me, I just get I always get scared that in a relationship, you know, things become samey and they, people stop trying. That's useful information because you, I'm not just saying in the future, you know, to remember to try. I'm saying even when you're talking about, when you're creating a vision for the kind of relationship you want, you can make space for that thing and talk about how, you know, for you, you know, I, I always, I think like staying sexy to your partner is really, really important, you know, or always like still when you've known each other for a long time, like focusing on new ways to excite each other or new ways to, to have fun

together or to get dressed up for each other. Like I, you can echo that doesn't have to be in the same conversation, but later on, or of course it has to be something you believe it's not something that you just say because, but if you believe it, then someone gives you information that becomes really valuable because they're telling you what they themselves need as part of a vision they want to buy into so that was number six what's question seven final question final question how can i help you feel more loved i love this question i love this question i think this question. I love this question. I think this question is amazing. She was a bit quick on the gun with that.

Quick on the draw. Too much, wasn't it? I love it. It's my favorite one out of all the seven questions. Because it's true. I think it shows your partner that you really care about their happiness. You're always striving to make them as happy as possible. You're not being complacent.

And it's just lovely what a lovely question you are I feel like you ask me this question sometimes yeah and I always just say nothing you're great but don't you love hearing it I mean don't you think she's asking it because she wants you to kind of ask it yeah I think so i think i know what conversation we're having tonight you ask me that question too do i yeah you do oh yeah that's good how can i make you happier you say to me um i think it's a lovely question some of that question is uh attributed to the great john gottman as well and the gottman institute who do a lot of research on making couples stronger and happier and he has this one of these big ideas is increasing the frequency of positive to negative interactions and that sounds really obvious but like great couples you can almost if you just increase the number of good interactions instead of just like, I don't know, fighting fires and managing complaints.

It's like, how, how can you just add more, add more loving moments into your relationship? Also, I feel that what it, what it says to your partner is your happiness is just as important as my happiness in this relationship because I'm always thinking about I'm not just looking to take from you I'm looking to give back and trying to find ways to make you feel happier so I think it shows an altruism that is ultimately a really really attractive trait in a relationship and I think if you're both doing it with each other it's really good for the relationship health I wouldn't advise it in early dating could be a bit intense yeah that's an intense one for early dating ironically they will get very freaked out if you say how can I make you feel more loved right

now well I thought that was helpful I got a couple of a couple of little nuggets in there i think yeah and i i don't know how formally one can expect people to do these kind of things and i think i think the author of this article to be fair knows that um actually the author is katherine pearson let's give credit where credit's due but i i don't know if one can be expected to do these in a clinical way but i do like the i i like the idea of adding even if it feels a little artificial but you can do it in the most small way like when you're sitting on the couch and you say oh i heard a couple questions that are fun to ask your partner like even just adding an element of like arranged check-in even even in a very informal way. Probably most couples just don't do it nearly enough.

Most couples just take it all for granted. I think adding just a little bit more of that could be very helpful. I think all these questions are an invitation to communicate more. That's all that it is, is they don't feel organic to couples who already know how to communicate well. But I think for some

people who aren't as vulnerable aren't as open and struggle with communication a bit more they are just kind of jumping boards but I think every couple has areas where they're not having conversations and I think anything that gets people to a place of greater intimacy with each other is really valuable and i i think there are always going to be couples that have a conversation today they should have had three months ago yeah or two months ago or you know so it's it they you know i do think that they're valuable for everyone in that respect and our friend friend Ramit Sethi talks about how people just don't, couples don't talk about things like money nearly ever or enough. And even just sitting down and talking about how you feel, your worries, how is the money situation or what do you feel

about our spending now? These things can be really powerful and teach you a lot about your partner you wouldn't know. And they they create intimacy the hard conversations create intimacy well we had an email in to podcast at matthewhussey.com on our recent episode on attachment styles this is from mel she says hi guys i have to say audrey has the sweetest voice she led with that honestly she can tell me what to do and i'll do it oh that's not the email doesn't end there otherwise it would just be an erotic email addressed to audrey honestly she can tell me what to do and I'll do it. Leave a review, done. Send an email, doing it right now. Anyway, I love the episode about attachment styles

and I wanted to share my experience. My fiance is British and I'm from Argentina. So very different cultures to begin with. Anyway, I have a very anxious attachment style and he's avoidant. In the beginning, it was really hard and I thought we wouldn't be able to find the common ground. But with the right amount of communication and understanding, we're doing great. Specifically, because we're in a long distance relationship and we live together for a few months and then spend another few months apart. But we make it work. I used to cry a little when he needed space, but I started doing things in that time that I wouldn't do with him or things that upset him. Like me watching shows that he doesn't like all afternoon. I like the idea of that upsetting him. It's just you watching shows

and he's just upset by it. Like me watching shows that he doesn't like all afternoon or eating half a cake or something. We try to eat healthy together. So now I enjoy it. Love, love the podcast, Mel. I really like that Mel. I really like the idea that you used to get upset when he needed space and now you watch your shows or you eat half a cake which is a very specific amount i love that i eat a whole cake when audrey's not around even when i'm around you eat a whole cake i do both but you don't get upset by it no no no say that you don't do nearly enough to discourage it, in my opinion. So thank you, Mel.

That's great. And for anyone who hasn't listened to the attachment episode, that's been a popular one, definitely go back and check that out. Now, I wanted to finish today on a little question from one of our listeners that arrived in the inbox. Again, that inbox is podcast at matthewhussey.com. But before we go into that, there is a free guide that if you haven't downloaded it yet, will help your love life that we wrote called the three secrets to love. And if you go

to threesecretstolove.com, you can be reading that guide 60 seconds from now. It gives you three habits that if you adopt them in your love life will make you more confident, will expand the number of opportunities you get and make you much more likely to meet the love of your life sooner rather than later. That is at threesecretstolove.com. Please go download that guide. The smallest of shifts daily in our lives can transform how quickly we find love. And this guide shows you three specific shifts you can make to do that. 3secretstolove.com. Okay, we had a question from one of our listeners.

She's asked to remain anonymous, so I will keep this anonymous. Again, the email address for this is podcastatmatthewhussey.com if you want to send in your story or question. I've been seeing a guy casually for over two months. We are both in our late 30s. He recently divorced about a year ago. For some reason, coincidentally, I seem to have a lot of qualities similar to his ex-wife, from notable characteristics to small things. We have the same career and profession. We are strong women. We're good mothers and so on. Down to the T of tiny things like tattoos on our bodies. And he has mentioned it each time an attribute matches his

ex. So now I feel like, does he see me for me or am I a reminder of his ex-wife? I know he liked me before he got to know me, but sometimes I feel like a shadow of his past. What do you think? Well, look, I think that firstly, the part that I have the biggest problem with is not that you have things in common with his ex. I mean, if you say you're both strong women, I don't think it's a mark against him that he likes strong women if you say we're both good mothers i don't think that should be a mark against him that he thinks having a being with a good mother is something that's attractive um the tattoos on your bodies okay so be it you know is that one of the core reasons he's attracted to you? I don't know.

But is it a crime if he likes tattoos? No. The part that bothers me is him mentioning it each time that there's some attribute that is similar to something his ex had. That's actually, to me, more alarming than you noticing that you have similarities with his ex. Because the truth is what I would like you to be focused on is being so great that the memory of the ex fades away. That just being with you, that you are undeniably your own entity, your own person, your own experience. Because the more you focus on his ex, the more you end up kind of subconsciously becoming kind of in your own mind, if you're a copy of that, then you're no longer focused on creating the relationship that you're in with him and aggressively creating the relationship you're in with him. I suppose you've said you've been seeing a guy casually for over two months,

so you're not in a relationship right now. But my point is, it's your job to separate yourself, to be something different, to be your own person, to stop looking in the backwards mirror at his ex and to just think, what experience do I want to create with someone? How do I want to show up? And if you show up powerfully and with impact and with confidence, then you're already going to start to separate yourself. And it's going to be harder for them to make that comparison because they're going to go, oh my God, this person's nothing like my ex. They have this and they have that and they have that. My ex never used to be like that. My ex never used to do this. And my ex didn't have this much character or this much strength or this much integrity or whatever it may be. They'll start

to see you as your own person. But the more you're looking in the rearview mirror at their ex, the more you're making yourself the same person because you're focusing on it. You're living there with him. So you've got to go into create mode. You've got to be pioneering, not looking backwards, and looking at what you have in common with this person. The part that you should talk to him about is when he says, oh, that's just like my ex, just give him a little nudge and say, hey, you're not like, you know, whether or not I have similarities, I don't need to hear about them. Your ex is your ex. So it's not something I need to hear, you know, I'm my own

person. So you need to see me as the person that I am, which by the way is extraordinary. You know, you have to put him in that mindset and make him know, let him know that him bringing up his ex is not exactly sexy talk to you. You know, I don't, I, I appreciate sometimes your ex might come into your mind, but, and I know your divorce was recent, but it's not something that I want to be a focus on our, on our dates. I appreciate that was a chapter of your life, but it's not something that I want, especially in the context you're bringing it up, which is making comparisons. I would rather you didn't do it in that context. Is that okay? Because I'm my own person and I want you to see me as my own person. As has become customary, Stephen, do you want to take us out on an iTunes review? And remember, we really appreciate it when you leave us a review on iTunes.

Audrey, you were reading them earlier, weren't you? I was, yeah. You came over to me and you were like, look at this lovely one. Yeah, I did. It's true. I do. I love them. I love them.

We love reading them. And they help spread the word about this podcast. So please, if you do nothing else today, go over to iTunes and leave us a review on the podcast. Maybe put a little story up on Instagram, letting people know that we have a podcast on Facebook or wherever it is you post things. We really appreciate it. Stephen, what does this reviewer have to say? This is from BarraDebs94 who says i open a podcast this podcast has literally changed my life i can't thank you enough as a gay person i have always struggled with relationships and especially with my relationship with myself you guys help me a

lot dealing with things i called your podcast an eye-opener because listening to it changes a lot of things in a good way listening to you is jaw-dropping almost everything you say makes sense and makes me feel like omg that is so true well i will say baradebs not everything matt says makes sense but that's another story well he or she said almost okay um baradebs carries on my favorite that was very david brent my paradebs carries on my favorite quote from your podcast is anyone who can't hold space for your vulnerability is not the right person and it's from my favorite episode too i've listened to the if you've ever felt not good enough for a relationship I've listened to that episode at least six times it's changed the way I approach relationships I have listened to every single episode and can't wait to listen to more thank you for existing

thank you for helping me and many other people become better people more self-aware and being able to enjoy being vulnerable which is a thing that me as a man have been avoiding my entire life. Thank you. I love that. Thank you for existing, Baradebs. Yeah, thank you so much. What a lovely, lovely review. Yeah, it's so nice. Wow. Thank you.

What a great way to leave this episode. Well, thank you to all of you for listening. Don't forget that until August the 7th, the summer self-care special tickets for the virtual retreat are available. $100 off and three very special bonuses. Go over to mhvirtualretreat.com to learn more and book your appointment with one of our specialists. And we'll see you in the next episode. Thank you, everyone.