Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 177: Think You Have A "Dating Type"? Here's Why That Might Be A Problem

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Do you have a dating type? Have your previous relationships always been with a similar person, in terms of looks, personality or behavioural dynamics? It's easy for us to look at the past and tell ourselves, "This is who I am. This is who I like." And it can affect how we date now simply because of what we're used to. But is it helpful to lock ourselves in on a single kind of person? Or should our tastes be more flexible when finding love? Matt and the team talk about the topic of dating types and how to choose your compass when looking for the right person so that you focus on what really matters in love. --- Join our next Virtual Retreat (November 11th - 13th)! - Claim Your Spot Today at MHVirtualRetreat.com. --- Email us! You can get in touch with the show and give your feedback/thoughts at [e-mail]   ---   Follow Matt on Insta @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen on Insta @stephenhhussey   ---   Download our brand new guide on "How To Define The Relationship" - Go to LeaveLimbo.com and get your FREE copy now.

Welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast, the podcast that shows you how to find the love you want and fall in love with the life you already have, regardless of whether you've found love already. Today's episode is great. Very excited for you to listen to it. We talk about types. Do you have a type? Is there a kind of person you routinely go for? Is that person good for you? Do they typically make you happy? Are they typically even available? Have you ever tried to date outside of your type? Is it a good idea? And if you want to date out of your type to increase your chances of finding love, what does that even look like? Can you be attracted to someone you're not naturally attracted to? These are all the things that we talk about in this episode. We also answer a listener question

at the end of the episode. So stay until the end and enjoy this episode of Love Life. i'm really happy today do you know why why go on we have had so many reviews since the last episode. Oh, I wonder why that is. What are you getting at, Steve? I don't know. There was a sort of somewhat needy cry out for reviews from you last week. Don't call him needy. That's not very nice. Steve's really just, you're just a free rider on this.

You call him Matt needy, but you just but you get all the benefits of all these reviews. I did enjoy reading them. I'm not going to lie. Exactly. Hey, you're welcome. I mean, Loomy Pat says effing fantastic. This was last

Saturday. She said, I'm writing this review because for some reason Matthew is feeling like he's not getting enough reviews on itunes thank you there you go she's she's called me out in the first paragraph i don't know why you had to rumble me out loud like that to everyone just you know just leave the nice review she says first of all the four of you guys yes guys includes audrey we did of course have that discussion. We're trying to find a replacement word for guys,

which we've not done yet. But people did have some comments on that. Yeah, I have one. We'll come back to that. She said, the four of you guys are amazing together. The banter is fantastic. Audrey said something about propaganda at one point, and I almost spit out my coffee from laughing.

Almost. Are you talking about propaganda? I don't know. You were probably giving a bit of propaganda. Well, I know what context. You said propaganda. I can't even remember. Yeah, I can't remember either.

You're on some political rant. I listen to you guys in the car in the morning, at night, and I relate to just about everything that you all slash y'all discuss. In this short time, I've eliminated a few guys in my life, hopefully not killed, who just weren't for me. I learned that they were reaching out to me to get attention for themselves

and I was allowing it because I wanted the attention too, knowing they weren't for me. I don't know what's next. So I'm just going to keep listening and practicing the types of things that I've learned from you. I will grow as a person and I'll have more to offer somebody else when I do meet someone who sees me and wants me in their life I really enjoyed that joke you did yeah well

loomy pat really enjoyed your propaganda joke loomy pat and i you know just on a wavelength yeah yeah yeah wow we should start our own podcast well don't do that i it's it's lovely i mean we've had so many wonderful reviews did you did you have a favorite you wanted to read out i've got one from lucy here lucy 09 who says single unashamed pickle she says to my jams crew thank you your episode on single shaming was very personal and dear to my heart recovering from heartbreak and rebuilding confidence is a struggle especially when you're a little older your kind and inspirational words alleviated my anxieties about still being single and allowed me to realize there's nothing wrong with me and not settling for a partner is okay i am worth an exceptional and loving partner that would never make me question

my worth keep up the amazing work and i look forward to listening weekly as your advice is always spot on and inspirational from this pickle across across the pond thank you she's got pickle and jams in there both the essential food stuffs of this podcast do you know what steven matt has found a song that he keeps playing to me which i i feel like he's probably going to play on this episode well i'm glad you said that audrey because it's already lined up and on my screen i teed you up kids so um i did go looking for a song about pickles. And would you believe there is a song about pickles that has millions of views? I'm hoping, Jameson, that this is just sort of some internet person who operates from the shadows and is just happy that their content is out there as opposed to someone who's going to sue us

for using the pickle song they've created. I think it's fair use as long as we comment on it okay well here we go Did you see that mic point? Oh. It keeps going. I know. Sorry that we have to listen to this the whole way through. 49 seconds is a really long time when you're listening to that song. So that's the whole song.

Tell me that shouldn't be our theme song. That shouldn't be our theme song. That probably should not be our theme song. I mean, I feel a little vindicated here after you were one who is very critical of the pickles sign off and now you are literally trying to build a theme song around it can't beat him join him i can't stop i can't stop the audience from continuing to reference pickles in the reviews so i you know look i know when i'm beat guys isn't this too much chit chat shouldn't we just get into the topic of the episode uh well jameson i know that that is of course a reference uh to a review that we had just the other day oh yeah yeah steve you're you're going to be mad. Come on, let me have it.

Pa-pickle. Pa-pickle, pickle, pickle. Pa-pickle, pa-pickle. I know, it's just been my life. Matt chose a song with no melody whatsoever, just the beat and pickle. If Audrey does an acapella version, we can definitely have

it as like a an interlude song just a transitional song between segments of the episodes are you thinking that there's some sort of abundance of pickle songs out there to choose from that i intentionally chose one without a melody i'm trying to picture when matt just sat there and went googling like during his busy day when he went sat googling pickle songs i can't imagine him actually doing that's my that steve that is my dedication to this podcast and i should say i think we can all learn a lesson from my humility that i was well i was well against the whole pickles thing it drove me mad and then i've i've come around because i've realized people enjoy it so i will relent not only will i relent but i will actually add to the conversation around

pickles i thought matt's definition of humility there was he did something to prepare for the show well i've done that too so so ash 1991 says i've followed mat Matthew Hussey for years. It has been neat to watch his brand evolve and grow over time. And it always seems like he genuinely cares about helping his listeners and viewers, as evidenced by me going out of my way to find the pickle song. I also love how often they are able to release podcasts. My only critique is that the addition of two new people doesn't say who i'm audrey you're definitely one of them you only have two new people well it's you jameson it's me and audrey okay just you can just say it what it is okay my only critique is that the addition of audrey and jameson has seemed to have caused the podcast to lose some of its structure

in the beginning. The podcast often starts with people engaging in small talk right away, leaving the listener somewhat confused as to where things are going. Love listening to the small talk later in the episode, just not right away. Great work though. I've especially enjoyed hearing Matthew's insights into the psychology behind certain maladaptive dating behaviors. Does the pickle songs count as chit chat in the beginning? Because otherwise, if it does, we're, we're screwed. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that that would fall into Ash 1991's definition of. Okay, well, then what do we have on this episode today? Well, well, by this this point I will have already done

some kind of intro to compensate for this comment we'll have we'll have done like a 10 second beginning of the episode here's what we're going to cover but I am very excited today because we're going to talk about a subject that I think affects everybody when they're dating, which is to what extent should we conform to our type in dating? Is having a type overrated? Is deviating from your type something that can increase the size of the dating pool for you? What does that even look like? How much does that involve overcoming your own instincts early in dating? Or will you pay the price for ignoring your type? These are some of the things that we're going to talk about. Very excited to get into this because, of course, it ain't easy to meet someone you really like and really want and see is suitable.

It's even harder when we limit our type to a very specific kind of person. Before we get into that, if you haven't already, one of the ways to cut straight to the chase of what you want to solve in your love life is to go to yourdatingsolution.com, which is a tool that we've created where you can literally tell it what your dating problem is, and it will recommend the best solution from my catalog for you. This is the most tailored way to get something you need right now. Go to yourdatingsolution.com to get it i was looking at the calendar today and i was equal parts excited and horrified that the virtual retreat is almost upon us again well i'm delightfully excited well i'm horrified at the fact that it's it's nearly september kind of when you think about it because it's august which means it's next month yeah well i for one couldn't be more delighted that it's around the corner what audrey

you're you're much you know you're new in the last two years to the retreat programs you're a fresh perspective what's what's the retreat to you I'm really curious because it's not an easy thing to talk about and help people understand just how profoundly it impacts people how would you describe it if you were just described if your best friend came to you and was like I'm thinking about coming what would you say to her hmm I think it allows you to almost peel back you know those things that you struggle with day to day they could be kind of confidence related not feeling worthy we all have very similar thoughts that go through our brain all the time you know am I good enough am I this enough it helps you sort of peel back all of the

layers that you think of the problem and actually get to the root of what the problem is does that make sense it almost yeah well that's what I found anyway I was a bit I had no expectations going into it in terms of and what I had high expectations but I didn't really know what it would be like and I just found it to be um it kind of it hit me and in in in parts of myself that I hadn't really quite ever looked at in that way and I think the other thing that it does which is really lovely is it's a really nice kind of environment to just be yourself I think I said this to you after the first one it's sort of you know life is so all

about kind of appearances and ego and looking good and sounding cool and all these different things and the retreat hasn't got any of that nonsense it's just very much who are you and what are you about and let's all just support each other and I think that's it sounds really straightforward but it's actually a very unusual environment to find yourself in and that's one of the things I found most profound about it I think that's I mean that's really sums up so much of what it does for people if you have not experienced it please come and experience it it's happening in November it's the final retreat of the year this one is, so you can do it from home. We're going to have people joining us from Asia, from Australia, from London, from all over America. There's people coming in from all over Europe. You can join by going to mhvirtualretreat.com and book your call

with one of our team who will talk to you this week about what it is, what happens over those three days, and how it can help you with what you're really focused on in your life right now. Go over to mhvirtualretreat.com and get your phone call booked. Do you know something actually that I heard just today with a client who I was uh coaching she said that she's been going to therapy and um her therapist she keeps saying to her therapist all these different things that she's learned through the retreats and her therapist keeps saying how do you know about all this and she keeps saying it's a Matthew Hussey retreat no way yeah and she was she said that her therapist said to her that she basically had come in

with all of this kind of already existing progress and it was really sort of interesting for him to work with someone who had already done so much work without having actually had any therapy, which I thought was interesting. I meant to tell you, but then we jumped straight into recording and I didn't get a chance to.

So that just happened today. Lovely and of course we also have a lot of therapists who come on the retreat as well because we do none of us are above doing this work for ourselves so on to today's topic does having a dating type make sense? For you, dear listener, do you have a type? What is it? I want you to picture it for a moment. Picture the person that you regularly date, the person that you are drawn to. Picture yourself on an app right now, swiping. Who are those people that you swipe right on?

Who are the kinds of people is it a certain aesthetic is it a certain unique appeal is it something in their personality that you're discerning that you think that's the kind of person i always go for who do you go for each time and even if you don't consciously have a type, are there people that you find yourself dating over and over again as a kind of unconscious pattern? If you look at the pattern of the people that you've been with, do they conform to a certain stereotype, either aesthetically or in terms of their personality traits. Stephen, you found an article on this. What did it have to say? Well, it said that more than half, they were surveying Brits,

and they said more than half of Brits have a type that they prefer to date, but a third are in long-term relationships with someone who doesn't fit the bill i thought that was very interesting because it says a lot about the way we go into dating what we think we will want and then what often ends up happening and i think that's the interesting distinction like what what does it mean to have a type and is it helpful? I suppose people at one stage or another, it's not like they consciously go out looking for a certain kind of person necessarily. It's more that they come to find that there is something they find themselves

attracted to over and over again right and that ends up creating a kind of mold and i i think probably for a lot of people that mold becomes sort of self-fulfilling that if you keep dating within that mold then you have more and more reference points for a certain kind of person you have more and more reference points for someone who physically looks like that or for someone who behaves like that and that sort of ends up becoming what you know no doubt for some people there is this sort of early imprint thing there's some early attraction uh imprint that then dictates some of their early decisions around dating but i think that there is there will be some extent to which we keep replaying that scenario over and over again because it starts to just become what we

know. And then we think that that's all we're attracted to because we're not actually really deviating from it, which at a certain point takes actually a little bit of effort to step outside what we know and date someone different. Yeah. and that's why I think there's a difference between what people are attracted to or what's best for them and what you're used to. And I think sometimes your type comes from what you're used to and what you've had. And type can mean looks, you're blonde, brunette, tall, short, thin, large, whatever.

But it can just mean mean it can mean certain behaviors or dynamics that you're used to right it can mean different things like what your type is but i think that people do when they go into dating apps people often superficially have an idea of, I like sporty type. I like a preppy type of person. I don't like people who went to a posh school and, you know, had a silver spoon in their mouths, you know, all their life. People will have certain ideas that they just, they're just all these different mishmash of preferences, prejudices things you're used to and i'm convinced that there's a lot of them that are just a distraction because they're not focused on behavior they're not focused on character they're not character based they're they're a hodgepodge of ideas you've

got in your head but i think you can have a type a personality type as well right meaning um you can be attracted to very differently packaged people who have the same core yes right they look they look very different but they have the same kind of confidence or they have the same kind of humor or yeah or even toxic traits as well you can be attracted to the same toxic one specific toxic trait over and over again and it will just appear in all these different kinds of guys that you know you then go well i don't have a type but what your type is is you know asshole but but some people do say that right you i like i've had conversations with women before who have casually said like i'm attracted to guys who tell me when i should shut up like i've had conversations with women before who have casually said like i'm attracted to guys who

tell me when i should shut up like i've heard a woman say that to me before like i need a guy who's going to tell me when to shut up that that is a kind that's a kind of toxic type right where did i get that recently someone said the exact shut up matt stay on topic that's why i'm attracted to jameson jameson stop hitting on my partner well it will it won't be the same person because i had that conversation with someone in like a bar several years ago and i was like wow that's gonna be interesting oh i it was a client it was a client of mine it was a client of mine who was dating someone who essentially said some version of the same thing that i i really need someone to put me in my place um which is that's interesting and there will be that now what's interesting about that is that that could be someone who

because that can take two forms she could either be she could be very attracted to that kind of person but she could end up going for the opposite because what she really wants is like that kind of person feels like someone who won't put up with her stuff whereas her insecurity has her keep going for safe guys who won't do that do you know what i mean so it's actually quite possible for that person to keep dating people who don't do that because that's the actually getting what she wants in that area is scary because it's like well well, now I've got someone who won't put up with what I do. But I keep dating guys I can walk all over. So I think there's an interesting thing even in this types idea that we might have a type that we're attracted to, but then keep going for people that we think are safe. And thereby we say what our type is,

but we go for the opposite because we go for people that we feel aren't intimidating or can't make us, can't reject us. Also, I think to piggyback off of that, you know, in this article, it talks about when you date similar people and people like your past partners, you run across the same kinds of

disagreements the same number of arguments the same problems because what you're essentially doing is dating the same person over and over again what's interesting is you know why we would look to do that and could it be that we feel safe in those patterns so when we know people's short so a little bit like the better the devil you know if you know someone's shortcomings if you know that you're dating somebody who is this way and this way and this way you you can predict their behavior in a way where you feel safe even if it's not conscious whereas if you date someone that's completely different there's a new set of behavior that you're not used to that you know you then it just sort of irks you a bit because you're not you just don't feel safe in the same way that you do with someone whose behaviors you predict

yeah in in boxing one of the things I got taught was you're not fighting a person you're fighting a style and that when you fight a style enough times, you get used to dealing with that style. And it might be that you keep changing the person in a relationship, but you keep getting the same style. And the attractive thing about that, even if it's uncomfortable or it comes with pain is, as you say, better the devil you know is really a way of saying, I know the style that I'm dealing with here. I know how to counterpunch in this situation.

I know what to anticipate. I can read the moves. And even one step even deeper than that, could it be that, you know, you have your own issues and your own things that you're battling with. And so having someone, for instance, who is really jealous allows you to step back into a position of submission or calming them down or soothing them where you feel needed or you feel like you're constantly the evolved one in the relationship so you get to also serve you know one of your own needs through their shortcomings or kind of more toxic traits so to speak yeah so it's sort of like that other that other side of it which is actually you know you can sit there and go oh I always date assholes but really what you're getting out of dating those kinds of people is the thing you're not speaking about and your type is actually a way of making yourself feel good that's kind of a

the relationship equivalent of the big fish small pond idea is that you keep dating people where you get to feel like the big fish you get to feel like the together one it's so it's kind of the same as the jerry springer effect right i'd rather watch jerry springer because it makes me feel good about you get to feel like the together one. It's kind of the same as the Jerry Springer effect, right? I'd rather watch Jerry Springer because it makes me feel good about, it makes me feel together. I don't want to have to watch a bunch of people who are more evolved than me. That might mean I'd actually have some work to do. That might mean I'd actually have to grow. And I do think that is one of the reasons that people pick a safe type is that I don't actually have to grow. This is non-threatening. This person does not challenge me. And although I complain to everybody, like I always think pay attention to the things

that you complain about a lot, but you keep replaying the same dynamic over and over again anyway because if that's the case you're getting something out of it yeah we talked about that uh existential kink did we talk about that yeah we talked about that idea i can't remember who has the term for it but it's it's like the thing that you go you go like oh when my family always want me to do this it's so annoying and like really it's like you love it you love it that they all want you to do that like you love it or it's like oh i hate that everyone asked me to i hate that everyone asked me to fix stuff around the house and it's like you love that they want you to fix stuff around the house i heard pete holmes talking about a version of this yeah he's mentioned it on

his podcast before ah okay god it's not his term but he's mentioned it before yeah yeah yeah and we have to be really careful of those things well i mean look ultimately it forces us to confront the the question do we really want what we say we want or is what we want to be in this position of relative safety and to complain about it like that actually might be the thing we want more that's what's that's what's really fascinating about it we we often you know you can come from a place of thinking that you're helping someone you know when someone comes to you to complain about something and you think I'm going to help this person, I'm going to help them see that there's a better way forward. And then they're going to take that better way forward. And you don't realize you're just a pawn. Right. Yeah. You're just a, you're, you're all you are is an audience. Yeah. You're not you're not there to help them make a change you are just there to

to be this kind of the part of this theater of no no you don't understand the thing that i want most is to stay exactly where i am and to talk about how bad it is. That's what I want most. I don't, you're mistaking me. You think I want to get out of this relationship. What I want most is to stay in it and complain about it. And that's where we have to get really self-aware about what is it I actually want? Because maybe I don't really want this thing that I keep saying I want. Maybe I am far more comfortable just talking about the thing that I want. Maybe I'm far more comfortable just talking about the fact that my partner doesn't have this, my partner doesn't have that. Because if I wanted and needed those things so badly, then why am I not doing something about it? Yeah. It's like someone who says they have loads of ambitions to make something, create a business, do that. But maybe the actual thing is

they actually don't really want to do that. They just want to feel yeah they want to like sit around and feel entitled or feel angry or feel you know like oh i could do that though and that's not to say that it's not painful for someone i'm not i'm not diminishing someone's experience of a painful situation but it's much easier to have that idea that we deserve better in our heads as a construct or that i'd be happier if i went and got this kind of person as an idea it's much safer to talk about those things from the relative security of a relationship or a situation we know than it is to actually go and play that scenario out it's much easier to talk about a business idea you have than to actually play it out and say well okay go start that business yeah spend the five to ten years it's going to take to make that thing work let that play out it's much easier to

talk about the fact that you had a great idea so that that that's a really interesting point audrey like what are we getting out of it with Complicit with, yeah. And I want to ask you, what do you say to the person who says, well, yes, fine, but I'm just always attracted to this kind of person. I can't help it. Whenever I try and go for something different, it's just not my type. I'm you know because I think what what you can find with if we are to go down this kind of road of um maybe people who exhibit toxic traits in relationships and whatnot you know they tend to come paired with traits like confidence and being very charismatic being very extroverted being very you know sexy charming all of these different things so it's it sometimes isn't people's fault that they're attracted to such people but what do you say to someone who says well I've really

tried to go for you know something that's not my type because I recognize that my type is sometimes a little bit toxic but I'm just not attracted to those people. Pizza. What? That's the sort of stuff you come here for, guys. I think we can wrap this one up there. Go on, Matt. What do you mean? Think about it for a moment.

Well, pizza can't be pizza. Every morning, lunch lunchtime and night if if that's what you ate every meal of the day for the rest of your life it would stop being pizza it what a we would start to probably not feel our best. Get a hard times belly. You get what, yeah, Audrey and I call a hard times belly, which is a belly that I sometimes develop in hard times. Too much information. Well, you brought it up. I didn't.

You can't just make a reference and then I not explain it. I call it the cheese bowl. But it would also, if you ate pizza morning, lunch and dinner, some of the satisfaction of it being pizza would be taken away. It wouldn't be that treat anymore and i think that the person who's mysterious and got that like you know that quality that makes them really exciting it if you if you live with that person all day, every day, I guarantee they're not those things.

Right. They can't be. It's a sort of thing, the Friday night pizza effect happens because it feels like a cheat meal, right? But that person, in order to actually feel good sustainably we need to have some kind of sustainable diet which doesn't mean being with someone who's never pizza you want to be with someone who can be pizza sometimes but that's not that, that's not like a state that you just live in with someone every second of the day.

So I often think that we've mistaken people who have created an artificial sense of how exciting they are with people who are just great people to be with it there are i've said it before reliably the people i find the most dazzling and the most charming in the first 15 minutes are generally people i don't like two weeks later. Almost reliably, I can set my watch to it. If I loved that person, like I don't just mean I came away going, oh, this seemed like a really great guy or a really good individual or seemed like a kind and well put together person if i come away from

someone after 10 minutes and i'm like wow that person was so great then i can set my watch to me thinking that that person is a bit of a tool later on and and that's because people who come across like that, that tends to be something they've honed in their lives. It, I would argue that the more secure in myself I've become, the less dazzling I've become in the first five minutes of conversation. Whoa. I do not think I am as kind of charming or charismatic as I used to be. I agree with that.

I feel the same way. I disagree. So I just wanted to make sure you stayed confident and charming on the episode. You just wanted to... I was trying to produce you. As your brother, Matt, what I think you're getting at

is you don't try as hard anymore. But in a good way you're not you're not so so aggressively trying to ingratiate yourself to charm someone new guys i have a i have a comment from our youtube page that is very relevant to this point you're making matt okay All right. So this comment is from someone who says, her name is Bebe. So I want to tell you guys because I do feel like we're a little community. Tonight, I was on a third date with a guy whose personality isn't my type,

but I feel calm and myself around him. I also didn't feel a lot of chemistry initially, but it's grown because I've always thought of him as handsome and cute. I found myself making a couple little corny jokes and he seemed to appreciate them well tonight we kissed i like that he didn't pressure me to kiss him this entire time oh my gosh i lost my balance after our kiss i know that's just chemistry but i'm glad it's there i'm really trying not to overthink things now and spiral off, but enjoy my time with him. Just had to share that. Wonderful. I think it's really,

it's encouraging, but I also think it's okay to have a type. It's okay to like be attracted to things. What I would, what I would suggest that people do is ask themselves, is your having a type, is your being attracted to people, is it closing you off from more people, or is it opening you up to more people? Because I think there's a way, we have a lot of people that comment that say, I'm just, I never attracted to anybody. Those guys could do, they could do well to have a type to try to figure out like what is it I like about other humans you know and so I just think do you ever believe anyone though when they say they're not attracted to anyone well I think it goes back

to exactly what you were saying before was they're playing it safe correct they don't want to put themselves out there but I think that it takes I guess there's two sides of it. I do think sometimes we get, you know, I always joke that, like, humans are my favorite animals. Like, I really like people. You got to, like, start to really try to like people a little bit. And I just think a lot of people find it safe to just be very critical. Not my type. Not my thing. I don't like that he does that.

I don't like that she looks like this and uh i think humans are pretty awesome well i i think that when we get too far into our type it becomes a form of it almost becomes a form of self-hatred that we we start looking for a specific magical kind of person often that is very different from how we see ourselves who we in some way see as kind of aspirational and anyone who shows the kind of human qualities that that we have is kind of icky and gross because you're like i i'm trying to get away from me and your type becomes the kind of unobtainable the unattainable i should say and and you're

right jay i mean it becomes safe it becomes safe to say that's my type especially when your type is someone that is ever elusive it's to me it's no different when i meet gay men who are like i only ever like straight men i'm like what kind of self-hating bullshit is this like i only like people who don't like me i it would it's so firstly it's so safe yeah because it removes me from the game i would argue they were probably in the game in that moment with you so that's a possibility no no they're just testing the waters to see how i also think you'd be surprised at the amount of straight men who just kind of go for it. Yeah, but you know, I think that there is something, look, again, it's like people who say, it's like people who find themselves going after married people.

There is something safe about this. In a way, I'm removing myself from the game. I don't have to actually compete if i'm competing in the single market then i have competition right whereas if you're just off the market but i like you then there's no real competition and and i think that's a big reason why people end up continuously chasing after things that feel elusive. may relate to, which is when they find themselves really enjoying being around someone who isn't their type or isn't typical for them. And they're drawn to that person, but they find themselves questioning themselves because they've created this very specific blueprint and they're like oh but this isn't my type oh this isn't what i normally go for and that's playing into their decisions right now on a kind of on an analytical level they're putting up a barrier when actually

what they're experiencing and what they're feeling and bb who left that comment what she kind of described is oh i felt drawn to this person had i allowed my kind of logical mind to put up a barrier it could have it could have said this person isn't the kind of guy that i normally go for but instead she said said, I'm feeling something. So let me explore that. And that to me is where there's a lot of potential outside of your type. It's not by finding someone that you don't find attractive at all in any way, shape or form and saying, let me just stick it out and see what happens it's more about paying attention to feelings you have in directions you don't normally go in yes and seeing where those feelings take you yeah and and that can be someone's character it can be certain way they behave with you a dynamic but that's why I think yes it can be super helpful right if you are like you're a

sporty hiking mountain climbing you know gym junkie whatever it's totally makes sense if you are like I'm gonna go to physical things or I'm gonna meet people there because I would love someone who can share that with me that that totally makes sense. And it's great to think about your pool and to put yourself in those scenarios. I really, really agree with that. I think it's just that it shouldn't, A, it shouldn't be a restriction and B, it's like you would be surprised

how many things that might be peripheral even outside of the thing you thought was so crucial. You know, I've got friends who uh one of my closest friends one of them's an atheist and art and atheist and one of them's uh very christian but like it doesn't affect their marriage they have a great marriage you know it maybe in a in a world before they were married they they might have thought, oh, I can't marry someone who has opposite beliefs to me. But that turned out not being the most important thing. So it's fine if you have your big thing or that certain thing is a deal breaker to you. But I think like you're saying, Matt, some openness to like, I might be surprised by someone here it might be more about our dynamic that's unique and special than it is about they

checked these 10 things i thought i needed in a partner you actually took the next subject out of my mouth steven i was gonna ask you what do you say to somebody who says, I want to date somebody who is of the same faith as me. That's really important to me. And my type, so to speak, is somebody who shares my same religious beliefs. What do you say to those people? I think there's probably a difference between a type and a rule that we've set up. So a type would be someone that we find ourselves drawn to for whatever reason. Physically, there's kind of some attraction imprint

early on in our lives that led us down a certain path with a certain kind of aesthetic. Or there's personality traits that we find ourselves drawn to, either because we saw them in our parents, either for better or worse. It could be that there's a trauma bond happening that keeps happening with every person we're with. Those, to me, are types.

There's a sort of unconscious, I just feel drawn to that kind of person. Then there's rules that we set up. And saying, I need to date someone from my religion is a rule that we've set up. I almost see that as slightly different from a type. It's a rule. And just like types narrow down our options, the more rules we have for what someone has to be or who they have to be, the kind of person they have to be in life, what they believe, what they do with their lives, the more rules we set up, the smaller our pool is going to be. And so for years, I've dealt with people who come with some kind of rule around religion or faith. And it's just like any other rule, really. It narrows your pool. And you have to therefore ask yourself, every time you narrow your pool,

your love life's going to get harder to meet someone. So then you have to ask yourself, how worth it is it to me to narrow my pool in this way? How important? Now, I'm not here to make a judgment on that. That's up to people to decide. But what I do encourage people to do is to ask themselves what's behind the rule what's actually behind it you and i when we got together you were my worst nightmare

thank you you're a vegetarian and i don't have anything against vegetarians at all jameson will tell you that there is some part of me that sort of i think probably for you too jay we kind of are similar on this that we we've not been able to bring ourselves to stop eating meat but we sort of do believe that probably we should be vegetarians i believe that if i was a better person i would stop eating me correct and that's sort of the camp i'm in um but that's what's also true is that there's nothing more exciting to me than going to great restaurants with amazing food and eating whatever is the speciality there and the idea of being with someone who can't eat that thing with me and be like isn't this incredible would have been something that I would have said well that's not that's not what I want

and Audrey I'm sure on some level may have thought, well, we'll be more compatible if the person I'm with is a vegetarian, because it means we think the same way in that department. I don't think it was ever a rule for Audrey. Clearly it wasn't, but they're probably, if it was a preference, it might've been listed as a preference. But when we came together, what was clear about both of us, what was clear about you is that you love animals and you also care about the environment and so there were there were deep motivating your decision not to eat meat. And the truth is that even though what we do is different, my beliefs aren't actually that different in terms of what we value. We both value life. We both value animals. We both love animals. And we both care about the environment, but your approach to that has been different,

but we still connect in terms of the values driving us. And so we're able to find a home together in that value system, even though the way we live in that home differs. And I, when I think about, for example, people with religion, I think there's probably a lot of people who actually have extraordinarily similar values to them that get written off because they're either from a different faith or because they're not of a faith at all. Or in some cases, we've had people who I've coached who have said,

it's not enough that they're part of my faith, they need to be really devout. So now you even have a narrowing of a pool within the same faith again i'm not saying what people should here to dictate what rules people should have only that we should consider the possibility that other people have things to teach us and we have things to teach them. And I think one of the great things about a relationship is that when you come to somebody who has different ways of living, that you actually find this, the genesis of something new that comes out of the two of you. There is a kind of one plus one equals three situation that happens where both of you learn something and both of you grow because the relate a relationship does not

need to be an echo chamber but a lot of us when we create rules we act like it does need to be an echo chamber. And that reflects our arrogance that we think we've, what we have decided in life, what we have come to believe is the just, that is the truth. That is the be all end all best way to live. It's the best way to operate in life. That's the best way to think. And all I need is to find somebody else who's also discovered all of these best ways of living and thinking. It's an incredible arrogance. And you might just be on that dating app

and just see one thing in the profile, right? That goes vegetarian and you go, oof, I'm not a vegetarian. Yeah. Swipe left, like instantly gone. You know, these are the heuristics that people make very fast decisions on. But that's the crazy part is that

that Audrey's a vegetarian is annoying to me. Still now. But what is driving that is... Guilt. What is driving that is absolutely one of the things I love most about audrey so that's an interesting conundrum isn't it but but that trait that's driving her the kindness and the compassion and the love that's driving that decision for her that makes my life so much better. Yeah. And so you have to,

like being obsessed with these things on the surface, instead of understanding that the very trait that produced that thing that you think is not for you might be the thing that benefits you most in the relationship. And I think this may be potentially off topic, but I think this is such a good point that I want to just shine a light on it because sometimes we forget that the things that we resent our partners the most for or the things that we don't like in people can be the sort of

flip side of the coin for the things that's going to make that are going to make your life much better and a lot of the times we under values or even resent certain characteristics but what we don't realize is whilst discarding those we're discarding all of the great things we're actually looking for in people. Yes. And I think that's a really important thing to remember. Whenever somebody does something and you go, oh God, they got a bit annoyed about this, they're a bit sensitive, they're a bit sad, you know, you tie it to all of the ways that they're sensitive. Are they sensitive to your feelings as well as their own feelings?

Are they sensitive to other people in the world and do they care about things? Is them being sensitive actually them being empathetic and therefore having that in abundance in all areas of life and does that make your life better right and that and that's that's it's really that's a great point because then what you can find is you might date someone where you initially see their sensitivity is not sexy right and you go oh god they're so sensitive and blah blah and that that part of you it's like the teenager on the playground at school is like where's the where's the danny zucco in all of this you know where's the bold like slick back struts in in his leather jacket that guy that guy's sexy and i love matt's interpretation of

what women's types are actually like that's what i was thinking about in high school you know i think of danny zucco is just having that incredible like put on swagger, you know, but the, but you then have to run that experiment. You have to go, okay, like Audrey said, what actually do I get with this sensitivity that makes my life so much better and makes for a much better relationship? And what did the opposite of this look like in my last five relationships? What did the people who had no sensitivity, how did that play out for me the last five times? So you have to run the experiment all the way through. That thing that I keep going for, what happens? And even if my initial response to this is not as exciting, how does that play out? Yeah. If I actually give it more thought and let it run to its natural, um, kind of terminal velocity. So now I want to, I want to just take a step back for a moment because I,

I just want to put a bow on this and say this, that I don't want this conversation to be construed as us saying, I don't want it to be construed as kind of some sort of preachy go for better human beings and stop going for people that you're attracted to firstly it would be incredibly sad if you couldn't find a marriage between the two and if you can't find a marriage between the two that is suggestive of some kind of being led by some kind of trauma as opposed to something that's actually good for you long term. But it's not saying go for people that you're not in any way attracted to. It's be very wary of A, the instinct to keep going for the same thing. Because half the time, the reason we think we're attracted to the same

thing over and over is because that's the thing we keep doing. We keep reinforcing that pattern over and over. And so you've just convinced yourself that that's the only reality that's available to you. And attraction is so weird. And it's so in many ways sort of unknowable that the idea that you have figured out the only kind of person that you can be attracted to is so it's so ridiculous it's nonsense you have a bias from your ex sometimes as well right like you're trying to either rewrite that relationship or you think i really love them so that's the kind of person of course

and if you had a very emotional experience with someone of that kind and that your brain links up, we know that the brain creates long-term memories out of the most emotionally heightened experiences. So when you have a relationship that there were massive spikes of emotion, then your brain wires that up as important.

That was important. Remember that it was important. And we're just not aware of how many other experiences are available to us in the realms of infinite possibility of relationships we could have and types of people we could be attracted to and the types of people, the vast array, the diversity of people that could wow us, we cannot give ourselves too much credit that we have just figured out exactly what it is we want and need. So that's the first thing. And the second thing is knowing that, go into your dating life with a sense of curiosity, with a sense of openness to being surprised. Hmm, this is interesting. This person's actually, I feel really good around this person.

Now I'm telling myself they're not my normal type and therefore they must be a friend, not something more. But why am I telling myself that? What's that based on? Is it really based on the fact that I couldn't be attracted to this person or that I'm just not letting myself be attracted to this person, or I'm just not giving this person the time of day? Where am I holding myself back as opposed to I couldn't be attracted? And some of the time, the only way to know that is to actually give something more of a chance that you wouldn't normally give a chance. Not because you feel nothing and you're just having wild stabs in the dark,

but because you actually do feel something. A little flame that might actually be worth breathing some oxygen into, that might actually be worth giving a little more time to catch fire. Like Bebe. Like Bebe. She didn't, she wasn't there because she felt nothing. She was there because she felt something curious and she followed that curiosity. But that is humility.

And importantly, she said, but I feel calm in myself around him. Bebe's really been watching a lot of our videos. Well, that's a great sign of a healthy relationship, right? You feel calm and you feel yourself around them and you feel like you can be yourself. The reason Bebe feels like herself around him is because along the way, he's made her feel that she can be. He's made her feel accepted in that way. So she's not trying to pretend to be something else to get his attraction. And that's a sign of a really healthy relationship. And I honestly think as well, the more you, the more we grow, the more we realize what happiness actually looks

like, the more healthy relationships start to look really attractive. I agree. So I want to do a question because each week I want to do a question from one of our listeners before we do that. And I also want to read a few more reviews as well. I want to, Stephen, maybe there's a couple of emails we want to read that have come in. We've been, by the way, we've been getting a lot of great emails to podcast at matthewhussey.com as well some really great emails coming in and they're coming in thick and fast right now i'll tell you this steven how many how many listeners did we just cross over into how many downloads did we get this month well for the month of july we crossed the milestone of 1 million downloads matt pickle pickle pickle pickle if we didn't end up putting the pickle song at the beginning that's going to make no sense that we said that but yeah thank

you everyone hitting uh hitting a million is fantastic we're over the moon about how many of you are responding to the show and uh yeah it's just it's just really awesome is there anyone out there that is a sort of some sort of some kind of music producer or songwriter that could maybe just create us a little riff uh for jams because we've had pickles already out there someone's already claimed that territory if there's anyone that can put a beat together on their computer really kind of knows what they're doing and just wants to do a little pro bono work you're um you're asking a lot of people you're like give me reviews give me a song i think there would be nothing better than a little some sort of little jams jingle that actually came from one of our community that

would be amazing if send it if you've got anything like that send it to podcast at matthew hussey.com if you know anyone uh obviously they they're not going to do it for free unless they're a fan of the podcast so get them onto the podcast first and then a month later let them know that we also would like a jingle but that that would be great also at that email address could you let us know i'm interested if you've ever dated someone outside your type and how it went so just in regards to this discussion if you've ever dated someone out your type and been pleasantly surprised unpleasantly surprised uh let us know i'd love to hear we'll read those

on the next episode also if you want to send in a voice note to our email address, we would love to hear it. Oh, that's right. We wanted to get some voice notes going. If you've got like, just drop us, you know, hit record on your phone. Not like no five minute. No, no, like 30 seconds. In order for it to even fit in an email, I think it's got to be quite, quite short. But yeah, if you want to want to have a chance to have your voice featured on the podcast, your question,

your voice, part of this community, actually audible, tangible in it with us. That would be nice. And we'll play you out loud in the same manner that we played the pickle song out loud. Jameson, you just made me want to send in a voice note. That was very convincing. I loved it. Before we go any further in the podcast, is there someone that is not in your life anymore that you feel is not in your life, not because it was a necessary ending, but because there was something that happened

that either broke you up or there was a misunderstanding or there was just something that you feel was down to a lack of communication. And you really do feel like the two of you have a shot at being great together. I am always loathe to tell people to get back with an ex because I think nine times out of ten is probably the wrong move but I also appreciate that there are many people who I mean how many couples do we know even between us who at one point broke up and then ended up together a lot a lot happens it's real life so when people say it ended for a reason, it's always a bit like, well, tell that to tell that to your mom and dad who are happy now, who at one stage broke up, you know,

like you never know in life. If there is someone in your life that you would like to rekindle with, we have a free guide at rekindletherightway.com that shows you how to do it in a healthy way. No tricks, no doing things that wouldn't be good for you, no manipulation, just you putting your best foot forward with someone and giving them a chance to do the same. If there is a shot at rekindling with this person in a healthy way, this is how you do it. To unlock your free video training on rekindling a relationship, go to rekindletherightway.com. Before we get to that last question, Audrey, from one of our listeners, we had a couple of emails that came into podcast at matthewhussey.com. Sarah Mills says, first off, love Audrey on here for the female point of view. Such a great addition to the podcast.

Today's episode on how to get over the one that wasn't really the one was like an arrow to my heart bubble that I so needed to break the spell. Valuing chemistry more than character, that resonated with me so much. It's hard because feelings don't make sense in a rational way. And when you're in over your head, you can't see these facts i keep asking myself why i can't let go because when we were together it felt so good yet so many wrongs in the character column i just might be able to turn a corner now guys much love from true north of canada i really really love that i love the heart bubble i never really that before, but it paints quite a picture, an arrow to the heart bubble. Yeah.

I just love the fact that she found it useful and it's actually helped in moving on because sometimes we get stuck on people and it's so difficult to shift in any meaningful way. Yeah. So I really love that. Yovana says, Hi, Jams crew. I just want to say that after binge listening to 110 of your podcast episodes, very specific, I feel like now I have a new group of intelligent friends who always know what to say. I feel so much more confident in the fact that I ended a friendship with my ex and I'm truly looking forward to having my single time as a time for my greatest growth. Thank you so much for being a time for my greatest growth thank you so much

for being a part of my journey also having audrey on the podcast makes me the happiest pickle do tell her that please much love yvonne q pickle song pickle pickle pickle pickle pickle pickle i'm really honored she binge watched 100 episodes that that is 110 steven thank you i'm really honored she binge watched 100 episodes. That is amazing. 110, Stephen. Thank you. I'm really glad you're choosing emails that are saying nice things about me. Thank you. Well, this one, of course, jumps in to Stephen's defense.

This is from Daniel, who says, First of all, I can with certainty say it was 1000% Stephen who came up with jams. Just wanted to get that settled it was a couple of episodes ago and to be honest when he first broke it out no one was really feeling it I mean Daniel's really

calling us all out here I'm a man ahead of my time Daniel I'm a man ahead of my time to be honest when he broke it out no one was really feeling it but I'm glad it stuck because you guys together have such a great chemistry it's wild to think because for so long it was just matthew and now i can't imagine the podcast without any one of you it's just a shame that pickles peaches

and pears had to be the sacrificial lamb to make room for jams don't forget your roots steven anyway i'm in hollywood california oh he's nearby daniel's nearby somewhere he's in the vicinity i like daniel a lot well he sounds kind of like an agent trying to like swoop in and take steve away from everybody he does he's like an ari gold character and he's sort of saying that steven's names are unappreciated that he should be getting more love for them it's a shame that a new band name came in and took over he's a evil band manager i'll be in touch daniel he says anyway i'm in hollywood californ, and I've been listening to every episode for over a year now.

And although I haven't even been dating at all due to work being so crazy, obviously with that agent life, there's a lot going on. I'm addicted to your show because of how you break down the psychology of how and why people do things in a modern relationship. I love that every topic is actually relatable and it really makes you stop and think. I know now that when I am ready to start dating again, I'll make better decisions. P.S. Audrey, scientific studies have shown that sleeping in a cold room is proven to provide a much more sound sleep. Matt wins this one. Keep jamming out, guys. Thanks for all you do.

I mean, I really like Daniel. What a great guy. Actually, Daniel and listeners and everybody, I actually wanted to say this at the beginning of the episode, but I got sidetracked. I have to apologize because the statement I made a few episodes back when I said it was impossible to sleep if your feet were cold. I kind of did a bit of digging and I was told this fact a little while ago and I believed it to be true. But it turns out that I was wrong so

I'm sorry that's actually very that's very big of you to admit how how wrong you were yeah thank you it does hurt I mean it doesn't really work in the current uh media environment to admit when you're wrong though so it makes the show look weak i think we have to i think it's quite obvious that we have to do um what the done thing is today and fire audrey let's put out a couple of tweets we will give you the chance um to resign really try and make jams without a vow whoa and now look what Daniel did. He got in here. He got in our heads. He broke up the band.

I'll tell you what word we can make with a vowel that is an A. Pickles. Pickles. How does the song go? Pickle. Per pickle.

Per pickle. Per pickle. Pickle, pickle. Pickle. Unfortunately, though, Stephen, we can't use peaches and pears for that reason. So we will have to stick with pickles. Lastly, Ioana says Barack Obama.

This is, of course, referring to the fact that in a previous episode, we talked about the fact that there isn't a great word for women outside of guys, which we kind of have always found a little awkward. People from Texas have said YAL is a solution for a group of women or a group of men and women mixed. But I don't think that we can get away with YAL. No. And Stephen says Pickles. London. Stephen, Pickles does...

Non-gendered. Pickles is very much non-gendered so that could he is a man ahead of his time iowana says barack obama used folks exactly for that reason to avoid end any gender nuances so he obviously went for the bugs bunny approach but matt we're i don't know that we can get away with folks three uh three of us English. English people can't say folks, can they? Well, folks. Hey, folks. I don't know.

It sounds... It sounds affected, doesn't it? Because it's an America. Americans, I think of it as like them in, you know, Abe Lincoln. He stood on the podium and he's like, well, folks, let me tell you this. There's, you know, something very Americana about that. Barack sounds great saying folks, but I just don't think we're going to be able to pull that off.

Also because you can't pronounce it, clearly. Folks. You're pronouncing the L. You're pronouncing the L in it. I was doing something sort of slightly pronouncing it how Barack would pronounce it. He doesn't say folks like yolks well folks he doesn't say folks folks anyway the search the search continues i uh i audrey well

let's finish with a question today what is our special question of the day that that we're going to answer well christina sent something in which i where did she send that audrey she sent it at podcast at matthew helsey.com and this is our segment called q and audrey everyone if you could pitch in and let us know what you think we should call this little segment where audrey reads a question from the audience uh the front runner right now is Q and Audrey. Yes, let's see if we can come up with different options. It's not bad though, Q and Audrey. If you've got a better one, let us know.

Christina wrote in and said, Hi, I really like this guy and we've dated off and on for about a year, but I wasn't ready for a relationship at first since I had just got out of a three-year relationship and wanted some time to myself. I'm now ready to date this guy and he has some trust issues with me and what we've been through previously. For example, my ex calling and liking my pictures on Instagram. He wanted to look through my phone recently and I said no. He said in order to trust me he would need my login info for my Instagram and Gmail in order to trust me again. I feel like this is an invasion of privacy and a control tactic. Am I in the wrong or is he?

This is giving me doubts on if I really want to be in a relationship with him now. Thanks for your help. So did did she they dated three years ago and she decided not to or no she had just got out of a three-year relationship so she doesn't say when they dated but presumably she came out of this relationship was dating him for a bit but wasn't ready to commit to him and to commit to a relationship she's now had some time to herself come back towards him they've come back into each other's lives and he is saying to her I have trust issues I don't trust you uh because while we were dating last time your ex was calling you and he was liking your pictures on Instagram um so I would like to log in to your Instagram and your Gmail in order to build up the

trust again. I have a lot of thoughts on this, but I'd love your thoughts. I mean, look, my, my top line thoughts are that you should address the issues from the time. So what was it, if you took your moral compass and said, what have I done that I believe was either wrong or hurtful? It's worth exploring that and then addressing those things. For example, if she feels like I am a little in the wrong because I kind of led him on and I didn't actually tell him that I wasn't ready for a relationship. And I kind of let him get more and more invested all the while I was still talking to my ex and having some kind of flirtations there and ultimately I ended up hurting the new guy because I wasn't ready for anything and I didn't really let him know that early on then that's the conversation you address. You say, you come, you sort of come clean on that stuff.

And you say, look, here's the reality. I came out of a relationship and I wasn't ready for something, but I acted poorly with you. I was selfish in the way that I approached our situation. Because rather than admitting up front, I wasn't ready for more. I let things progress to a level that then hurt you. I wasn't in love with my ex or, you know, I wasn't trying to be back with my ex, but I also wasn't in a place where I was able to fully

commit to somebody. And I'm sorry that at the time, I wasn't more honest with you about that. That being said, I've had time to think about what I want. I really find myself now in a place where I can give to a relationship and you're the person I'd like to give that a try with because I really like you. And I did in the beginning, which is why I wanted to get to know you in the first place, albeit at a time when I wasn't ready. However, if we're gonna start from a place of trust,

that has to cut both ways. And you trusting me has to also come with me being able to trust that you respect healthy boundaries and that you respect my privacy and you asking for the login to my social media and to my whatever it was her emails or phone or whatever is is um it's not acceptable to me would, I wouldn't want to have that kind of relationship with anybody. And I certainly wouldn't ask the same of you. If I was going into a relationship with you where I felt there were trust issues, I wouldn't be asking for the logins. I'd be asking myself, do I really trust who this person is as a human? Do I trust their character? Um, and do I really trust who this person is as a human do I trust their character and do I see them do I see my it being worth giving them a shot I wouldn't say I wouldn't

make it conditional on whether I had the logins to their devices and I ask the same of you now I'm telling you the truth about the past i've come clean about where i was at the time and i'm also being honest with you about where i am now if that's not enough for you that's a real shame because i think we could be great and i think that we could have something really special but i also understand but this is a this is a line for me that's being crossed and I don't want to start on the footing of me feeling like my privacy has been invaded. Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I also think ultimately if you choose to get back together with someone, that's not to say if somebody has hurt you in the past,

you're going to have to work through certain things. But if you choose to get back with someone you should choose to trust them again and trusting them doesn't mean having access to their email their social media it means you trust them in spite of the fact that you have no proof that they're not doing anything that's what trust is it's if I have to if I have to check your phone every time in order to trust you then you don't then I don't trust you and if you choose to get back with someone you have to come at it from a place where you are going I trust you enough to see whether or not this is going to go somewhere and whether or not you're going to be good for me and I think if you can't do that, that means that the relationship,

the trust is broken, is too far gone, which can happen. And that's a real shame. But it's also, it's the part where you're saying, which it is a shame, but it's, that does happen sometimes for people. But you have to be self-aware enough to know that if the security you need is to be able to constantly check people's emails and social media and messages in order to feel safe then there's something wrong with the relationship well and there's something i would argue there's something you have to really look at in yourself because if if a healthy person doesn't trust someone they don't say give me access everything. Give me all of your logins. They say, I'm having real issues here going into this relationship because I don't trust you.

And maybe that's partly my fault because I'm overthinking things or I'm letting my demons get carried away. But until I can address those for myself, then going further isn't going to work for me you don't respond to it by saying give me your logins yeah or let's work together to you know let's invest in trying to make me trust you because I recognize that this could be my thing but it's also you know being instigated by something you've done so let's work together to yeah to get to a place where we you know we have that trust and we rebuild together as a team but in a

healthy way rather than from a foundation of checking yeah what i would say to her is make sure you feel you have had a really open clear conversation with him about the areas where you feel you fell short and what you wish you had done differently. And say it plainly and directly because that's what gives credibility to your words today. What you don't want, it's easy when someone doesn't trust you to get into a very, this pattern of what becomes really noisy communication of, I didn't even do this. And you're making a thing out of this and it wasn't even a thing and this and that and you know like there's a kind of like or an over justification is the opposite of that where it's like I'm so sorry and I didn't mean to do this I didn't mean

to do that instead there has to be a point at which you say this this is what happened. This is why it happened that way. And there isn't anything more that I can say about that factually, because that's it. That's the situation. Allowing him to dictate the paradigm of chopping it up a thousand different ways, which by the way, asking for your logins is just another version of that, is I want to just look in your stuff to just chop it up even more ways. Well, that's you buying into their paradigm. That's you allowing them to dictate the rhythm of the communication what i want christina to have is the closure that she communicated clearly and openly and directly and then said that's all there is to say and i'm ready to move on and And if you're not, that's okay.

But I can't, unless you want to just work together to build trust going forward, there's no more I can say about that because I've explained to you everything. But I would argue she's allowed to revisit it. Sorry, he would be allowed to revisit it with her if he feels insecure in moments or triggered in moments I think it's not so much about going you know here's all I have to say about it now let's move on it's about not indulging the worst sides of him and his jealousy because ultimately if you indulge that side of him yes yes I agree with that i agree with that but there's a tone and a manner of communication

that someone who is trying to find more than there is or trying to you know if they're coming from their demons and if they're coming from their own trauma and their fears, then they will try to stoke the fires of that conversation to create more. And you have to kind of be the, the water that's constantly putting that out, not by shutting things down and saying, I'm never talking about this again. But if someone, if someone's getting an agitated tone and saying but what about this

and when you did that and when you know it's like back then i was in this situation i was feeling this and i'm not proud of that i'm not proud of being unclear i'm not proud of not being straight about my intentions or whatever but but that's that's, that's the whole story. And if, if there's healing to be done amongst, between us, that's okay. I'm all for that. But there isn't any more story to tell. That's the part where you have to be, you don't let someone drag you into slicing and dicing the situation in more ways than the situation actually deserves, because then you are, you're allowing their trauma.

You're allowing their demons to set the tone for the conversation. You can, you can communicate with them and help them heal. But what you can't do is get dragged into matching their tone and their manner of communication yeah i would say christina listen back to what matt said in his in your answer like you could transcribe that and it's just perfectly written but also matt's tone was just just right too as far as being the the water on that flame

and don't yeah don't go don't be invited to the demon dinner have your own have your own set the table yourself and let that be the narrative thank you so much Christina and that was another episode of Q and Audrey

which could have been a whole separate podcast. I'm dangerously, we're dangerously long on this episode. Hopefully people won't mind. Let us know. Do you prefer the longer or the shorter episodes? We won't be hurt.

And one of our favorite things actually is reading out the criticisms that you send in. No, Audrey's, they're not Audreyrey's favorite thing i quite enjoy it if you look at uh if you look at audrey's face if you're lucky enough to watch the the video version of the the podcast audrey's face when they're when they're talking about the criticisms it's just priceless she's very wounded whoever whoever wrote in about the chit chat beforehand i was just watching watching Audrey's face during that call.

Can I just read one comment that I just thought, it was from YouTube. It was from our most recent hit video. Jameson, what was our recent hit video that's just absolutely smashing it on YouTube? 13 Subtle Ways to Make Him Want More With You. Absolute gangbusters absolutely smashing it on YouTube. 13 subtle ways to make him want more with you. Absolute gangbusters. So it's killing. There was a comment from Susan E. I think you'll appreciate this, Jay. I haven't read it to you yet. I don't think I have. She said, I like your tips,

but isn't it terrible that relationships are so complicated these days that our every move has to be analyzed? I think if it doesn't just flow naturally with someone, what's the point of bothering with that person? I think the most important thing is just to be yourself. If it's all too hard and we have to think about things and overanalyze everything we say or do, then it's just not the right person. Now, anyone with a sense of irony will enjoy the second half of this comment. So I'll remind you. She said, basically, why does it all have to be this complicated? Why do we have to analyze our every move? And if we do have to think about things and overanalyze everything we say or do, then it just isn't the right person.

She goes on to say, can he make me laugh? Do we have fun together? Are we just able to be ourselves around each other? Are we on the same wavelength most of the time? Is he respectful of me and my beliefs, my needs and my thoughts? Do things just flow naturally, especially in the bedroom? If the answer is yes to all of these questions, then we are probably with the right person. I mean, she's essentially just written another video. It's a comment about not overanalyzing where she's proceeded to list that we could, you could literally turn that into eight ways to know they're the right person.

That's true. I always love when someone says it's not that complicated, just do this. And then when you actually get into it, it's always, there's always stuff to think about there's always stuff to if if it wasn't if there weren't anything to analyze this wouldn't be an area we talk about all day every day we analyze it because our relationships are something we can actually get better at there's something that we can actually improve on how attractive we are is something we can actually improve on. How attractive we are is something we can actually change by the way we have conversations, by the way we show our confidence, by the way that we appreciate somebody else's and anticipate somebody else's needs.

Thank you everyone for joining the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew, Audrey, Jameson and steven also known can't even get to the end of my sentence now it's just people screaming jams and pickle go celebrate go celebrate with jam and a pickle folks no that doesn't make sense see i got it in well done steve in case you did not catch it earlier, the place to go to get your personalized, tailored dating solution based on your love life challenge is to go to yourdatingsolution.com. Thank you so much, everybody out there for listening.

Don't forget to leave us a review on iTunes. It really does mean the world to us. And we've been reading absolutely all of them since the last episode. It really was so lovely that you sent. And we've been reading absolutely all of them since the last episode. It really was so lovely that you sent them when we mentioned it last time. Do send us more. Let us know what you think of the podcast.

And we cannot wait to speak to you in the next episode of Love Life, the podcast where we show you how to find the love you want and love the life you already have. We'll see you next time.