Love Life with Matthew Hussey - 18: What Made You Fall In Love With Him? (Micro-attractions pt. 2)

Episode Date: April 19, 2020

A couple of episodes ago we asked you: What are the moments that made you fall in love in the past? We call these moments micro-attractions. Yes, you can find someone sexy. You can like the same movies. But it's those little behaviours that totally fly under-the-radar that make us say, "Holy crap! I've never met anyone like this before!" So, Steve dived into the inbox and looked at YOUR stories of the moments that made you fall head over heels and discuss what this tells us about long-term attraction.  --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey   

Hey there podcast listener out there, yes you, I'm talking to you. It is Stephen Hussey here, host of the Love Life podcast, back with another episode for you today on what is for me a balmy, lovely spring evening here in Essex in England where I live. And I want to talk today, I want to follow up today on an episode we did, the one before last, where we talked about micro-attractions. The concept, the idea that often the thing that makes us fall head over heels in love with someone are the tiny, under the radar, the behaviours that are often subtle but only we see and we notice it and something clicks in our brain and we think, God, this person is amazing. They're unlike anyone I've ever met. And so I asked you,

send me examples of your times you noticed these micro attractions in your own life with people you've fallen in love with. And you guys did send some emails in. so I want to read some of them today and have a look at what those amazing moments were for you. Our first email is from Elizabeth. Elizabeth says hey there I was listening to the episode about micro attractions I met a guy in Ibiza last summer and we totally hit it off spent the night together and found out later that weekend that he has a young son the fact that someone can have fun and be carefree and also be a loving dad was so attractive we still talk even though he lives in Barcelona Spain and I live in Chicago USA who knows what the future holds uh I love that Elizabeth um the the idea of seeing someone who has this part of their life

you don't know about but you know you it's revealed to you gradually and you see wow he has this loving relationship with a young son uh but he can kind of also have fun relax let loose uh yeah that's a that's a unique combination um another one here from laura who says my favorite micro moment was when he asked if i was hungry and i said no but he ordered a mild curry even though he likes spicy food brackets i don't do spice because he knew i'd be jealous of him eating when he got back and that way I could eat with him that made me feel so loved um that's a great one Laura uh the I I mean I always love it in a relationship an important thing for me is thoughtfulness and just if someone does one of those little things where you realize they didn't have to at all but they just thought of

you in that moment and they know you and they get you and they're like have to at all, but they just thought of you in that moment and they know you and they get you and they're like, I knew you'd want some of these when you got back. I knew you'd be hungry. So I bought you this or I grabbed you this from the shop when, when I went out to get groceries. Um, yeah, that stuff's adorable. I agree. Uh, another here from Karen who said, uh, I want to email you about guys about the micro attraction moments I had with my boyfriend. Let me tell you, I did not think we'd get this far on our first couple of dates. I really thought this guy was scamming me somehow because it seemed way too good to be true. Whether it's how he looks or the way he does it or the things he does or the way he thinks,

it was perfectly in line with my values and how I'd picture my boyfriend or even husband. Too young to say it but there it is. He's sweet and gentle and I could just see how involved and committed he was from day one. I still have those moments of micro attractions with him where he says or does something without realizing that make me think there is nobody like him. He wasn't scared of telling his family about me or meeting mine. He isn't and was never scared about talking of the future, even though he will be moving to Germany where he's from in a couple of months. He wasn't scared of planning a trip, even though we had been together for only two months. It's like he knew we were going to make it.

He knew nothing bad enough could possibly happen that would break us. I was questioning the relationship every day because it was so perfect and I was constantly thinking it would be over any second, but he's truly changed my perception of a perfect relationship. Thank you, Karen. I'm so happy that you have that certainty and someone who, know I think so many people put up with less than certainty and you know there's obviously people may need time to decide they are fully all in on a relationship but I think your case is inspiring for people who think that they have to put up with someone always not being sure of what they want of kind of dilly-dallying around, messing them around. And someone like you proves that you can

when you meet someone who just knows what they want. That's one of my criteria I'm always saying you should look for in the early stages of dating, someone who knows what they want and who wants the same things as you. And once you have that and it just clicks that easily, everything runs so much smoother and you think, God, why did I put up with so much uncertainty before? What the hell was I thinking? Being with someone who didn't know if they want to be with

me and all that crap. Yeah, it's like a breath of fresh air. So I love that you have that certainty from the person you're with and I wish you all the best um another one let's do one more uh and then I want to say something about this micro attractions issue in general so one more from Jeanette who gives a few examples of guys she's dated uh when micro attractions have happened before in her life and she says i fell for anthony when before snowboarding for our third date he was buying gloves for himself and asked me what size i was and what color i wanted as he started to shop for gloves for me as well i fell for russell when we were talking about a triathlon he had raced and when i asked what place he came in he matter of

factly said first and that was normal for him I fell for Aaron when he talked about wanting to plant bulbs in his front yard and spent $200 pouring over a flower catalog meticulously meticulously maximizing his bulb haul for the season I fell for Mickle when in an Ironman triathlon I feel you date very fit strong guys incidentally Jeanette an Ironman triathlon okay Incidentally, Jeanette, an Ironman triathlon. Okay. I fell for Mickey Wynn in an Ironman triathlon. While I and most were dying, he was skipping around chatting with people and literally acting like the mayor of the race all while lifting everyone's spirits. I mean, that's, that's not bloody micro attraction, Jeanette. That's a, that's, you're dating some kind of machine at that point um some guy skipping around in Ironman triathlon I'm actually slightly worried um and finally he says I fell for Vinny when I learned that his parents have passed and he's caring for his sick brother I appreciated his positive disposition even more amidst his circumstances um and Jeanette goes on to say I think it's moments when I see someone's passion

talent or resilience that my heart skips a beat and I feel a wave of admiration that mixes with attraction that feels like love uh that's a wonderful way to put it and uh I wholeheartedly concur Jeanette and I think you know these uh these things are fun to think about because they do make you realize I think there's something inspiring about knowing that attraction isn't skin deep and that when you look back on your own life you know when people attempted to be cynical you actually only have to look back at your own life to realize we fall for people's characters that's really what drives us crazy for someone and makes them amazing.

And then people think, well, if that person's so amazing, how could I replace them? But of course, if you break up with someone or lose them, you'll have new micro attraction, beautiful moments with the next person. There's always something unique and lovable about the person we're with. And noticing them is like that magic moment where you realize,

this is just an energy I want around me. This is someone who makes the world a more bright place when they're around me. Just something they unconsciously do without even thinking about it is incredibly sexy. And it's also just an inspiration to work on our own character because we don't realize the ways that we are having that effect on other people and I think understanding that makes you realize there's no moment that's going unseen like we often think well working on these deeper long-term things well if people are if people are superficial what's the point? Or, you know, again, it's just easy to be negative and cynical about it. But people notice stuff all the time, whether consciously or unconsciously.

People are noting things. And the people we care about, if you want someone who cares about generosity, you want someone who cares about loving, intimacy, even you want someone sexual, whatever it is, they notice, they pick up on the signals that you give out. And if you both click, you're going to notice those things and go, ah, a kindred spirit. Or, you know, if you're an intellectual and you realize, you know, you're both trying to decide if you should go to some party and you realize you'd both rather sit at home and read tonight

and hang out and watch a movie and read books and just do geeky stuff, then you realize, ah, oh my god, I'm so attracted to this person, they'd rather do that as well, and I secretly would rather do that, so I think being as authentic as we can, being vulnerable, actually just putting those sides of ourselves out there, just transmits a signal to the right people and uh i want to pick up on one final interesting question that someone asked on this and this was kind of a little challenge to micro attractions but uh this was from katherine who said i enjoyed your podcast about attraction and certainly realized the power of those little moments when something unexpected makes your heart flip i've experienced these myself in the past however my girlfriends have suggested that micro attractions are not such a good way to judge if a man is boyfriend material i might fall in

love because of some little thing that some man does but perhaps i should stop myself can you Can you please weigh in on this? So that's an interesting little challenge, Catherine. And I take your point on that in that there's definitely a problem if people extrapolate one single moment and decide to base their entire opinion of a guy on that. You know, there's a person they're dating there was one moment and we use it as as ultimate evidence that they're this amazing unique special person when in reality they may have 50 other things that are massive red flags but we cling on to when he was so generous he loves animals when i saw the way he was with his kids or when i saw you know that caring thing he did or how how much he's ambitious like me and loves his work and you know whatever it is you can easily take something that is one of your triggers and extrapolate that out way too far

and when we talk about micro attractions being this wonderful thing um it's hopefully ideally well it should be in conjunction with you know the fundamentals the fundamentals being do they respect you and your time and your emotions do they show you the kind of intimacy you need do they show they want the same things as you in the future? Do you have a unique chemistry? Those things are the fundamentals and the micro attractions are almost the thing that pushes you over the edge. That is like the moments when people's character reveals themselves. But you don't want to often go off one thing. You want to look at consistency of character over time. Is this indicative of a way they are in general? And on the other flip side,

you have to look at almost the micro red flags. If they do certain things that make you twinge with a feeling of, ooh, I'm not sure about that, or I'm not sure I like that they acted that way or they suddenly got really cold or they were really uh mean in that moment and you know they disrespected their parents or gossiped about someone you know you want to look at that and be like is that a part of a pattern I should be worried about and you have to look at those behaviors as well so you have to be able to take worried about? And you have to look at those behaviors as well.

So you have to be able to take the good and the bad and actually look at the evidence in front of you. Whereas when you're less secure, when you're less confident, or you're in scarcity mode, you take one amazing thing about them and decide that that says everything about them. That's very dangerous, and that's where I agree with you um so it's not alone on its own a micro attraction is not a good way to judge boyfriend material uh but if you have lots of other great things about them it might be the kind of thing that uh pushes you over the edge and makes you think god this person's amazing and i want to be around them more. So, yes. I think, you know, I think microattractions isn't a technique. It's a thing we talk about because it's interesting.

It's not, in a way, the definition of being good at creating microattractions is being good at developing your character, developing long-term character traits that are attractive to someone and too attractive to the kind of person you want to meet. So there's no trick in it. Um, it just involves paying attention to the kind of qualities you want to have in your life and developing them and showing them, and showing them where possible, so yeah, I love this topic though, and I love hearing about the specific stories, and ways that people fall in love, is always fascinating to me, the things that actually we notice, that we don't articulate so often, because so many people rattle off the cliches but we realize it's uh that's what that that's why we don't fall in love so easily that there are small little things that that turn

us on that spark interest in us and i'm always fascinated to look at you know why are some people um so you know have such a beautiful energy to be around. Why are some people just so attractive to so many people? And, uh, yeah, it's, uh, it's often these magic little moments. So that is it for today. I'm, uh, going to head out. I've rambled on long enough. Uh, thank you for sending all of your emails. You can send me your emails. Let me know what you'd like to talk about in future podcasts, any thoughts, etc., recommendations. And that is it. I'm going to go. My dad is actually cooking tonight. I got a very lovely dinner. I'm going to look forward to that. It's just me me my mum and my dad at the moment all cozied up in a

quarantine uh so yeah i hope you're well wherever you are have a lovely week i'll catch you next week and we'll probably get that matthew hussey guy back on the next episode because he's pretty good and you know i like having him on here from time to time because it is sort of his podcast it's his name on the thing so we should probably get him in again um all right thanks very much have a lovely weekend I'll see you soon